help?

heya,

you sound like a fab friend for trying to get help with this, you must really care about her.

the thing is though, i would have to say that you can't actually make her better, it's really sad but true. BUT that in no way belittles the importance of support from you that she will definitely need. i think sometimes it's better not to give advice, but just be there to listen, has she spoken to you about any of this?

if she's getting really ill with this i think it's a really good idea to see if she would talk to her GP or a nurse or teacher or someone, tell her you'll be with her every step of the way so she doesn't feel lost and overwhelmed. maybe ask her what she's feeling so that if she finds she can't say anything to the doctor etc then you could try and explain for her.

remind her of her good points and tell her how much you value her as a friend and that you won't give up on her.

this will take a really long time though, so expect a lot of ups and downs and unfortunately, expect a bit of anger from her. this is no reflection on how great you're being, it's a defence mechanism as she will want to keep her behavious the same and secret. change is a scary thing so don't rush it.

i really hope you and your friend are doing ok, i know how upset you must feel but just remember to listen to what she wants to say.

let me know how she's doing (and yourself) and if you need any more advice just say :)

take care xox 

I am so sorry to hear about your friend.It must be so difficult for you to see your friend like this.

Is your friend recieving any treatment for her eating disorder?

You friend may be asking weird at the moment she may be irratable and snappy but please dont take this to heart cos she is poorly.But you sound like a really sensible person who already knows this.

If your friend is not recieving help no matter how much she says that she is ok it would be a good idea to tell someone a teacher maybe?

Please make sure that your friend recieves some help.

She will thank you for it one day maybe not right now but one day.

I am here if u want to chat.

Look forward to hearing from you,

Jennyxx

wow, i wasn't sure if writing here would help at all but that reply really did!

thank you so much!

i, and a few of our other friends, have spoken to her a couple of times, but she recently told us how much better she was getting and that she was 'eating normally now' but i don't feel that is quite the case.

she has admitted in the past to lying to us, and i know that that is completely unlike her, which makes the whole situation even more sad.

thanks again for the advice though, it really is good to know someone out there knows how i feel! =)

hey

i fink its great u wana help ur frend

u hav to realise however its only wen she accepts it to b a real problem tht she will accept help

all u can do is keep being ther for her as much as possible

dunt make eatin anymor stressful for her so dunt force her - however remain eatin a normal balanced diet around her so she knows its an ok normal thing to do - dont change ur ways for her

just be there to listen dont jusge her - or atleast try not and comment too much on her appearance even tho sh emay lookreally ill - i guess wat i found the best help from my frend was for her to offer to be ther for me to offer to go to appointments with me for her to say look i dunt understand but im here if u need to tlk

show her this syt too

and if she refuses to get medical help and she is seriously low weight and in need of medical attention do ur best to get her to see the gp or if worse go strate to AnE then she has to get help

does her family kno - has she actually confided in u its anorexia ? if she hasnt maybe she isnt aware how serious it all is and hasnt accepted it as an illness

god i assume lots im sorry i hope ur frend can get better soon take care xxx

thankyou!

i've spoken to her a couple of times about whether or not this is an eating disorder, and she has denied it time and time again, claiming that it's a 'normal' thing to do when you want to lose weight.

she's not getting treatment because she's completely in denial about the whole thing and i have mentioned to her a number of times about going to her parents or the school nurse; she just doesn't seem interested.

her parents know she isn't eating much, but she lies to get around things... like she'll come out with us in an evening and tell us she ate before she came whilst simultaneously telling her parents that she would eat whilst she was out.

i don't know for a fact that it's anorexia - but i don't think there's anything else it could be tbh... she's showing all of the symptoms and everything like that.

my other friends and i try to be very careful with what we say regarding weight etc. around her, because i know she doesn't agree with the way in which we talk about ourselves.

i'm not sure if i should compliment her on looking nice atm? would this increase her self-esteem thus helping her get over the anorexia or would it make her think she was doing the right thing not eating?

i'm just so scared i'm going to lose her...

thank you all so much though! =)

heya,

i know it's horrible to think how different you THINK she's become but this is not her, it's like there's another person inside her head, dominating her every thought and controlling her every move. she is probably in a really nasty place mentally right now so try not to do anything to put too much pressure on her, it will only make her feel more isolated and like she can't talk to anyone. though you sound like a good friend so i doubt you need to worry much about that.

don't feel that you have to be responsible for acting in the perfect way all the time though, this will have a massive impact on you and if you ever feel like you can't deal with something and are crackin under pressure just take a bit of time out for yourself and get yourself together because you need a break sometimes and also, you will be much better support to her once you're feeling happier yourself.

I totally understand what you are saying and at the moment I would'nt complement your friend on how she looks as it may have the wrong effect.

I am so sorry to hear that you and your friend are going through such a hard time as it can be very difficult on friends and family as much as the sufferer.

Your friend sounds very very stuck in anorexia and I would strong advise that you tell a responsible adult.Anorexia is tricking your friends mind and she needs help please tell a teacher what you have told me.I know she may be angry at first but in the long run you are helping her.

If u need to chat I am here. Please let me know how it goes.

Love Jennyxxx

thanks again lol!

i've tried to accept that it's not my friend who's behaving the way she is, but sometimes it's difficult. she's doing things the 'real' her would never do, and it's such a scary transition to watch.

i'm pretty much trying not to worry about it all the time... but it's so hard! everytime i get a minute i find my mind wandering to her. half of me wants to wash my hands of this whole thing because nothing i've tried has helped, but the other half of me says i need to persevere because otherwise i'm going to lose her, and how would i live with myself then?

what i hate more than how this is making me feel is how all of our other friends seem to have bought her lies about getting better... maybe i'm the only one who can see through them?

i'm going to tell an adult... i know i really should. i've previously told my friend that i will tell someone, even her parents if she doesn't, but i don't think she believes i would follow through with the threat. it's just kinda hard to know how to start a conversation like 'my friend has an eating disorder...'

thanks again!

=)

Hun,I am so sorry that you and your friend are going through such a difficult time.

I would choose a teacher that you trust the most and say to them that you are really worried that your friend has an eating disorder and explain the reasons why you think that like what you have said to me.For example she has lost a lot of weight and is lying to us all about eating when she has'nt.

This must be so hard for you seeing your friend like this I know its difficult but if you can get your friend some help hopefully she will get better.This process is not going to happen overnight and could take a long tim but getting help is the first step.

I can tell how much you think of your friend and I am sure she thinks a lot of you too but right now her head is so messed up with her eating disorder.I wish I had had a friend like you when I was struggling with my eating disorder to help me like you have helped your friend.

The fact that you can see through your friends lies proberly means that you know her best or that you have a further understanding of how an eating disorder works or maybe your friends are just not wanting to get involved because it upsets them too much so would rather think she is telling the truth.

Hun,I think you are being so brave!!!

I am so pleased you are going to tell an adult please do it as soon as possible your friend really needs help and although she may be angry or upset and deny she has a problem this is just her eating disorder talking.

If u dont want the staff to tell her you told them they you could always say u dont want them to tell her you told them and I am sure they would respect that or if u are fine with her knowing it was you then that shows what a great friend you are and she may be upset at first but I PROMICE you she will thank you one day.

Please let me know how you both are,

Keep in touch,

Here whenever you need me,

Jennyxxxx

heyy

u sound like ur a great frend

i fink u shuld tell an adult but mayb fink hard about wat sort of adult - like a parent or teacher a nurse or mayb sum one u trust - i kno myself i would of been very angry and upset if a frend had gon behind my bk and told my parents however i duno it might just b me but i found wen i was in the depths of the eating disorder i was quite selfish in the fact tht i didnt realise the affects it had on close frends n family - lyk to me i was only worried howi felt and the implication of an adult knowin had on me - but i fink wen ur fredn realises and ackknowleges she is ill then she may realise she does need help

but i can imagine in the mean time its painful for u to watch and just becus other frends believ shes eatin wen u dunt i fink mayb suggests tht either u actually feel u can b ther for her or that the other frends just dunt kno how to deal with it and r scared and a common occurance due to tht is frends givin up and walkin away like u say u feel like sum tyms

if u feel she is critical then u must get help - yes ok its not a easy fing to say to sum1 but i remember wen i first asekd for help from a teacher - i couldnt face tellin them wat was my problem so i just said to her look i hav a problem and i need help - so in the end she guessed the problem and got me to see a skl nurse n then tht really helped me. I guess u may hav the whole issue of wen u say u hav a frend who has a problem they may fink ur doin the whole usin a frend fing wen u mean urself - so i fink mayb wen u tell sum1 rather than use the word frend say her name - i duno if im makin sense sorry

its just wen i read posts like urs n see how hard u r findin it and how u really wana help ur frend but dunt feel u can i just wana try n help cus i kno wat hell i pput my own frends fru.

i fink tho if it really gets u down to u must get supprt for urself - ther is nuffin stoppin u goin to a skl nurse or teacher or sum1 n sayin tht u r strugglin with wat to do to help a frend - i kno a frend of mine did tht and she was supported then and given ideas on how to help me

to wat u sed in a earlier post - i would try not and tell her she looks gd becus if shes thin and not eatin right / enough even if she may b at a helfy weigt for now it myt only fuel her disordered thinking on her image and fink well sort of fink her efforst r payin off - i kno myself wen sum1 sed i looked thin and needed to put weight on my reaction in my head was dont b silly and sort of confirmed to my disorderd view wat i was doin was ok

ok im ramblin i tend to ramble i apologise im just not gd at gettin point across

but the nexxt few weeks, months , year and so on could potentially b a v hard time for u both so just keep urself well and get supprt for u if u can - i forget sorry r u stil at skl? cus u culd always ask to see a skol councillor or visit ur local advice service who can help with emotional welbeing

u r doin a great job by noticin and tryin to help her

remember wat lies she tells wat she screams and shouts at you for tryin to help its not really her its the illness and deep down ur frend is still ther

i hav sed too much sorry u take care and keep us updated xxxx

i know it's so distressing to see someone you love changing so much and having such a hard time, but once this illness has gone she will be back to how you know her, she hasn't actually changed and she's probably just as scared of the person she seems to have become as you are.

it's totally understandable to feel so frustrated as nothing you've tried is working, but like i said before, you can't cure her, so maybe you would be less frustrated if you stopped thinking you can/should be doing so and focus your attention on just being there to hold her hand and support her when things get tough, i know that's easier said than done because you would probably do anything to make her happy again but this is a slow process and needs people to be calm :)

it's good that you can see through the lies, it means that even if she can't bring herself to tell you when she hasn't eaten, you will know and can try and help her through it.

i think it is a good idea to tell an adult, well done for being brave :) she will probably be angry at first, and you have to be prepared for that, but she will thank you soon enough, once she realises how much damage she's doing to herself. maybe you could start by saying that your friend is having a few difficulties right now and you think she could be really damaging herself because she's not eating properly but you don't quite know how to deal with it and you want to see her get better.

who are you thinking of telling? a teacher or doctor or parent? if i were you i would try as best you can to make it someone she feels a little more comfortable around, like a teacher she gets along with or her gp if they're good, if she really doesn't get along with them then she'll probably be less likely to accept help from them.

good luck with it, i hope everything works out with telling someone and  hopefully your friend can get some professional help because i know you'd hate to see her live with this for much longer! you're a fab friend and don't forget that you need to take some time for yourself once in a while, eating disorders have a huge impact on everybody in our lives and it's not just the sufferer who needs support sometimes.

take care xox 

once again, thank you for your support! it's quite amazing to think people i don't even know are willing to help me when my own friends turn a blind eye.

i have confided in a close friend of mine about all of this, someone who isn't as much part of the friendship group i'm in with my other friend, so there's no worry about anyone being told anything. she's been really helpful and is going to come with me to talk to someone, because i don't think i'm strong enough to go alone. so basically that's where i'm at in terms of letting people know. =)

i've literally just left school, which is so much of a bummer really because it's 'responsible adults' there who i'd be most comfortable talking to. but don't worry, i will tell someone!

as exams are over etc. we've been at two parties; one yesterday and one this evening. both times my friend didn't eat anything but then went home and didn't eat anything there because she's 'eaten out'. i hate it so much that her parents don't seem to notice anything's wrong...

whilst we're on the subject of exams... she's claiming that all of her ed symptoms - insomnia, stopped periods, dizzy spells - are as a result of exam stress... i'm not sure if she actually genuinely thinks that or if she's just using it as a cover up.

i hate the thought of her being angry with me, but i know that having her angry with me is better than ending up losing her to this. i think when i tell someone i won't ask them to keep me confidential, because tbh she knows our friends well enough to be able to guess it was me anyway.

it's so amazing to have people here to talk to. i don't know if i've mentioned it, but none of our friends have ever had any problems like this (in fact, we all probably eat too much), so it's so hard for anyone to relate to... but here there are people who know exactly how i feel and how she feels and it's a pretty great feeling to know someone out there is in the same position. =) pretty poop that we have to be in these positions, but still.

hmmm, i'm trying so hard to almost block it from my mind and only allow myself to think about it at certain times but it's so difficult! the tiniest thing can make me think of it, and then once the thought's in my head it goes round and round for hours... but don't worry i do try my hardest not to get frustrated and angry about it because i realise that wouldn't help anyone.

thanks again! =)

heya,

were all glad to help :)  its good that you've told a close friend and i think if your friend is stil lying about eating to her parents thn maybe it would be a good idea to tell her parents? otherwise she will keep on damaging herself.

if her periods have stopped then that's a pretty bad sign and you shouold try nd get her to see someone asap, and dizzy spells aren't good either, has she been able to talk any more about this to you?

Its really great that you can see how much more important it is to get her healthy than it is to keep fuelling her ana by not talking about it and not doing anything about it.

i know these problems are really hard o relate to, have you tried showing your other friends sites like this to gelp them understand what she's going through?

You seem to have pretty good coping strategies, your amazing for being so brave and calm, I know its hard to handle sometimes tho and you shouldnt feel guilty for thinking to much or getting frustrated, I know its hard when nothing seems to go right for you or your friend or whoever. Just keep strong and don't let her give up easily.

Take care hun xox

(sorry this is a bit of a useless post, am not feeling my best today...) 

thanks again!

i think i'm going to have to have a word with her parents if it gets much worse tbh. i emailed beat about it the other night and it was suggested that i write my friend a letter to explain how i'm worried about everything, so i'm going to do that. now i just have to figure out where to start... =S

she doesn't really talk about the dizzy spells or anything, we just notice because the colour drains from her and she grabs hold of things to steady herself. or she'll say 'don't worry, i'm just a little dizzy' when it's obvious she's very dizzy.

i think next time i am with most of my friends i will say to them that something needs to be done and that we need to work together to help our friend. atm only one or two of us seem to be bothered by it, which worries me a lot.

thank you lol. =) i guess i've been through stuff in the past which has required me to develop strategies to block everything out. i've just never been in this position before...

sorry to hear you're not feeling your best. =S it may not seem that way from how i've been talking in these posts, but i'm a pretty good listener/advice giver if you ever need to talk. =)

thanks, =)

Heya,

 I've gotta say, dont wait for it to get worse, it already sounds pretty bad, please, if u can, do it asap cos otherwise it'll be harder to get rid of.

The letter idea is a good 1, I know its tricky writing it bt she will be grateful to have someone there for her.

Its a good idea to get all your friends supporting her cos otherwise if you avoid the subject it kinda becomes taboo and she will feel awkward about people talking about her rather than to her face, tho she may feel uncomfortable with that too, I think its best to get it out in the open so she doesnt feel ashamed of it. Espesh if shes still getting dizzy etc, people wont say the wrong thing or whatever... This advice is rubbish lol but I just cant think straight atm, sorry.

Dont forget tho that you need to talk about how ur feeling, dont block everything out, tho that may seem like the best way of dealing with things, figuring out why your feeling bad about things and working on changing it can really make u feel better.

Thanks for being there, I just feel like such a mess it seems like I wont be able to write down how Im feeling so I'll try once I feel better and can think a bit more clearly, this just doesn't feel like its ever gonna go away. Sorry, this cant be giving you much encouragement for your friend, (and I feel such a hypocrite for saying it) but she will get better, as will I, I hope, its just hard to see a way out right now and she may feel the same way, but just reassure her that u are always ther for her and that she will come through it in time, but it will take a while, n she shoudlnt expect to much of herself.

Im rambling now n I dont even know why lol, take care hun n Im always here tho I may not be much help atm. xox 

The others are right, you sound like a reall good friend. Please DONT give up on her though.. it will only worsten things.

I feel really lonely sometimes and that all I do is bother people by having an eating disorder, and it would kill me if they decided to give up on me. I would probably plunge straight into anorexia.

I know its a hard situation, but you are doing the right thing. She will thank you in the long run. *hugs* take care. xx

i hope you start to feel better soon! just remember to stay positive and believe that you can beat this. i know you can do it, just have faith in yourself! =)

i'm going to talk to her tomorrow and i will tell her that i'm going to tell her parents if she doesn't. i have started writing a letter but then i spoke to her about all of this stuff and so i've decided that i'm going to change the letter and not do a 'you're really worrying me... i think you've got an ed' thing, but do a 'you're amazing and one of my best friends ever' making her feel good about herself thing.

sometimes i feel like giving up on her... but i know i never could. i get angry with both of us sometimes, and it's then that i think 'screw this' and can't be bothered anymore, but then i remember how she used to be and i know that it's the anorexia that is making her behave the way she is.

i'm trying to talk about my feelings and everything, so that i don't end up bottling stuff up, but i'm not really the sort of person who likes to admit when things are getting hard for me, y'know? i'd prefer to let people believe that i have everything under control, even when i don't.

thanks again for all the help! if there's anything i can do, even if it's just listening while you talk, don't hesitate to ask. =)

take care everyone, xxx