brand new year, brand new chapter... to twinkling

Hey hun,

As usual… has taken me ages to reply lol :-P… but I'm guessing I don’t need to apologise for the fiftieth time hehe

So, finally getting ½ hour to sit down and reply to u! Seems like ages since we spoke / typed lol. I agree… new year = new post… lets see what we can do with ourselves this year :-P

Being back at uni is hard… was a lot of stress at first… but things are a bit better after today. Basically, I had 2 assignments and an exam to do. One assignment was due in today, the other one was due in next thurs and I have an exam next thurs. However, I saw my uni counsellor yesterday and she said she would write me a letter so that I could get allowances/extensions etc. So, I went to see my tutor today and ive got an extension til next thurs on the bit of work that was due today, then ive got an extension until the week after next for the bit due in next week.  Then – I don’t have to sit my exam!!! This has taken A LOT of pressure off me :-) .. really think its going to stop me being so stressed out with all the work I have at the moment. I still have to sit the exam, but im going to be doing it in the summer when people do their resits… so I have until August til this exam now :-).

Glad u had a good time at xmas… and santa brought you what u wanted. I just got loads of little things… clothes, make up, jewellery etc… the usual things lol. Ooooh, I got a lush dressing gown – it’s a pink one aww! :-P. I didn’t go away with my family because they didn’t ask me to – im guessing they just presumed that I wouldn’t want to… although the offer would have been nice :-S. They annoy me sometimes with things like that… they don’t tell me anything anymore – I didn’t even know where they were going on holiday or when they were going and I only found out coz someone in the dance school told me :-(… that’s the type of relationship I have with my mum now :-( :-S. Same about xmas dinner… I coped ok with it – just felt awful afterwards. I allowed myself things that I wouldn’t normally have thinking it was ok, but the thoughts after were :-(. BUT they were only feelings and as horrible as they were at the time.. they DID pass :-). I totally see what u mean about the meal being  pointless lol :-P

I just went to the dance school for new year…. Was a party on there. I didn’t drink, felt cr*p and put on my happy face. Got back home, had a small drink and went to bed. Oooh, we lead exciting lives hehe :-P

My xmas break has been a bit cr*p to be completely honest. Mood has dropped completely… have really **** days when I cant even get out of bed and don’t see the point in anything. Hows the flu?? Hope ur starting to feel better! Hows things going with ur mum? Its not fault that she got ill… everyone always gets ill around this time of the year. Ive had a throat infection/cold etc … im better now tho :-). Ive had the ‘treating the place as a hotel’ argument before with my step dad when I still lived at home. That was one of the many things that he did that makes me not go back and live at my dance teachers house instead. Your right, its in the past, but things in the past need to be spoken about to ‘deal’ with them so its good that u have written it down here :-).

How are revising and ur assignments going? Resists are sh*t, but at the end of the day, they are there for a reason so if u do NEED to do one, then its ok :-). I definitely needed more hours and more days lol… everyone is back at uni now and we only got to go out together once in the full time we were off from uni :-(. Hopefully we will get to see each other soon though. I love my mates at uni, but I miss my friends from home so much. Seeing them over xmas made me realise this even more :-(.

I haven’t been for a run again lol… that was my one and only run :-P hehe

Know what u mean about being in two minds about whether going to counselling. I was like that, but in the end I thought ‘what have I got to lose?’. Talking to someone and trying to deal with things cant be any worse than not talking about them and just trying to push them to one side. Pushing feelings to one side doesn’t get rid of them… it only hides them and when we are feeling vulnerable, they come back to us :-( *hugs*. I think eating probs etc are a control blanket… that’s exactly what an ED is for… it keeps us ‘safe’ from the reality of the outside world….makes us so ‘into’ our own worlds that we think everything is better, but it isn’t… again, we are focusing on one thing that we have control of so we don’t have to think about everything else.

“…. Have problems seeing that there is something wrong with me and trying to make up excuses….”….  Yes this is the ED talking…. There IS something wrong hun and u cant get through it. Just keep battling on… and never give in to the thoughts that make u feel like u have to do ‘things’ their way.

If I were u, then I would talk to ur module tutor about exams… as I have found out… people don’t know if u don’t talk. If you talk, then they can help u and offer u the support and guidance that you need.

Things with me and my man …. I split up with him on new years day :-(. For the reasons as before… I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t and was getting awkward for both of us coz I couldn’t be open and he wanted to help me in something he knew nothing about. He seemed to think that if I was having a bad day, I was upset over something… eg, I lost my phone or something of mine broke. Do you see what I mean? He thought he could make it all better and I hated having to tell him that he couldn’t… :-(

Yer I managed to get a few nights in the flat on my own which was good… well kind of lol. Was good to have some time on my own, but I found it quite lonely… don’t know what I would do without the internet etc lol

Things aren’t going too bad… but not good either. I went to docs the other day, am on sleeping tablets now… sleep is bad. I cant sleep and then I am constantly tired during the day because I don’t get much sleep at night :-(. I have to go back to see the GP in two weeks to see how things are going… review meds and feelings etc hmm. I'm coping, just not moving forward which I was pre-xmas :-S

How are things going with u? I hope ur ok *Hugs*

Thinking of u too xxxxxxxxxx

oooh... that was long lol

xxxxx

hey laura. oohh not so much time between replying this time - go me, but it is because I have finished writing both my essays apart from reference list and cutting it down to the word limit so feel I deserve a bit of a break. Please stop apologise for any delay in replying - it really doesn't matter to me as I'm the same! anyway.. how are you?

I'm glad things are easier for you at uni and that some of the pressure has been taken off  you. Unfortunately i can't say the same for me. I went and spoke to my module tutor (the one that knows about the ed and has given me open door) on friday about counselling and ended up crying about my exams and now all i do when i think about them is cry. Not sure if I have told you this so apologises if im repeating myself but basically i have four exams the week after next so basically an exam a day which is bad enough in itself but we got our times for practical exams last friday and mine is the very last exam on the friday so the stress going to be dragged out rather than being able to have an early exam and get it out the way :( also i can't get mitigating circumstances for my exams because i can't go to a doctor or counsellor and i need a supporting letter. :( also that tutor that i have an open door policy with is away for the next two weeks on jury service when i have essay deadlines and exams :( im sure i will make it through by myself though. really struggling at the moment and didn't really want to come back after christmas but don't think I would ever drop out. hows uni and assignments going for you? 

im glad you had a good christmas and got lots of nice things. sorry to hear about your relationship with your family and the fact that you dont talk much. and there was me moaning about mine. glad the christmas dinner thoughts passed.

we do indeed lead exciting lives! i never go out anymore, partly due to the amount of work i have to do but i think also because of my ed. have a feeling the last time i properly went out was the very beginning of freshers week for my housemate's birthday, but that was a very good night :-) i thought uni was a time to have fun :s

hows your mood now? feeling any better? mines really up and down. went to see my course leader last tuesday and she commented on how i was looking more relaxed and happier than i was at the end of last term and then a few days later im feeling really down and have crying episodes. I thought I was over the flu but my lungs aren't so sure. went for a well needed run yesterday and it hurt my lungs. think i need new lungs - i'll add to the list of new things that my body needs - ankles, feet... im glad you're all better from cold and throat infection

Revision not going too well - too much to learn and will be a miracle if i pass everything, especially my NMS exam. We were revising in class the other day with our tutor asking questions like they will in the practical exam and i had to go out the room for a few minutes because i thought that if i stayed i would end up crying. i know i should talk to someone about exams but with my module tutor away for the next 2 weeks i dont think i can. she advised me to talk to my course leader but i dont feel i can. also last year when i was worried about exams i went to see someone at uni and they were just like "you'll be fine" which doesn't help.

havent made a decision about counselling. been talking it over with module tutor (really should find a way of shortening writing that) and she doesn't want to rush me and thinks i should only do it when im ready otherwise it may not work. i did send an email to the helpline though so i suppose that is a step in the right direction. one of the problems i have which i only realized recently is that i have a problem vocalising my problem and how i feel. i cant physically say the words. even when i opened up to my tutor i didnt physically say the words she fished around to try and work out the problem, said ed and i nodded. but i have to be able to physically say it to the counsellor if i go, dont i? i won't have anyone else there to say it for me.

sorry to hear you and your guy split up. are you ok hun? but may be for the best if things werent right and were getting awkward.

hows the sleeping going? my sleep was getting better but recently its got worse and haven't got to sleep until really late. don't think its bad enough to warrant going to the doctor though, its cope-able and my doctor is rubbish and probably wouldnt do anything. i was going to go see my doctor over christmas break about my periods but my mum didn't want him messing about with it and told me to monitor it and if it carries on i should go see her specialist, also period appeared once i was back home. saying that this months hasnt appeared yet and is late again - hopefully its just the stress of assignments and essays.

remember that i am always here for you hun to help to cope and deal with things. and i hope they starting moving forwards again soon.

have i covered how things are going with me? feel i have been very me me me me in this post.

hope everything is ok in the life of you *big hug*

take care.

loads of love and hugs *hug*

Angel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey!!

Hows uni going? Ive just started again today…. Lectures were ok but one of them was really boring. Didn’t really like the lady who was lecturing, she was like really quiet and you had to actually pay attention the whole time to understand what she was saying and I really cant do this lol

I managed to get my assignments handed in ok in the end after getting my extensions. Without them I don’t think I would have managed to get it all done :-S. How did your exams go in the end? I hope u managed to cope ok or they gave you some support for them *hugs*. How ru managing after xmas? I know this time is the worst for a lot of people after the mad rush of everything being related to food all xmas and new year :-(

Have you been out anymore recently? I went out on Saturday night… ive not been so drunk in ages! I had a fab night so im glad that I managed to make myself go out in the end. Was a very crazy night… but I made it into bed. Haha… was a very good night, but suffered for it yesterday (and today actually… am still feeling bit rough lol :-P)

My mood is still really up and down. One minute I can be really hyperactive and the next I can be sat in tears for no apparent reason :-S. Bit strange and I think the major ups and downs make it harder than being ‘stable’ in the middle because I never know what kind of mood im going to wake up in :-(.

Are you any further forward in your decision for counselling yet? I'm still seeing the uni counsellor but ive also been to my gp when I got quite low a few weeks ago. Ive got an appt on Friday with the counsellor in the surgery so im hoping that will help. I got told today that it is a man but im hoping that either I feel ok talking to him, or I get a choice to see the lady who also works there.

If your find it hard saying the words, have you ever thought of writing it down? I write a lot down when I feel like im not going to be able to say the words there and then when talking to my gp etc. I actually quite frequently write things down and just give it to my gp/counsellor to read. I find it easier than having to just say it out loud as soon as I walk in. It kind of breaks the ice a little bit I think :-).

Yer im ok from when me and my BF split up. I do really miss him but at the same time I know its not going to work with the kind of mind set im in at the moment.  Also, he asked about S/H scars a few times and it kinda got awkward. I didn’t want to tell him coz I didn’t know what he would have thought of me. Id love to get back together with him but I really need to sort myself out first I think :-(.

Sleeping is abit better than it was. Its just after 12 now and im hoping to be in bed for about 1 ish… *fingers crossed*.

Things aren’t going to bad here I guess.  Ill see how it goes with the new counsellor on Friday… see what they can offer etc. I'm also seeing my GP every month just so she can check how im doing. I feel abit more ‘safe’ now… know that I have people who are looking out for me. I did get to the point when I thought ‘I can do anything and there is no one there to stop me’… those thoughts kind of scared me abit :-S

Hows things going with u?

*hugs* x million :-)

x x x x x x

Hey laura. Good to hear from you and you sound a lot happier and better. How are you?

No, still no further in the counselling decision. And at the moment with things not being as bad and being more manageable, I don’t feel like I deserve or have a reason for counselling. A lot of people have said to write things down as I cant say them, and I think I can email for an appointment so that’s an option.  Really don’t know what im going to do. How did your counselling with the new person go? I’m really glad that you have people looking out for you, I was worried about you.

glad your ok about the split, i believe in fate and about things happening for a reason so maybe in the future...

thing with me arent too bad thanks. readjusting to being back at uni, even though i only had a week away and well see what happens this semester. i know the next 6 weeks are going to be hard work, they are launching our assignments this week (good isnt is, first week back and here a few assignments for you! lovely uni!) but at least this time i know i have someone to go to if the stress gets too much to deal with and hey, maybe i'll get round to making that counselling decision.

how everything with you?

loads of love and hugs *hugs*

Hey,

I know u always say not to apologise... but i am sorry this time because ive spoken to u in about 6 weeks :blushes:... sorry :(

Things in uni have been mad and ive had so much work to do... and had to spend time dancing, working to earn money etc, that i really dont feel like i have stopped recently :(. I am very ready for the easter hols now... only next week to go and then i can have 3 weeks off :)

Have u had ur cheerleading competition yet? If so how did it go? If not... good luck :)

How are things going socially? U managed to get out anymore? To be honest, lately ive not been out much at all - just dont have the motivation to go out :(

Anything happened in terms of counselling for u? Ive 'yet again' been discharged from a cousellor at the GP place... *sighs*.. guess thats just life. He wasnt ED specialist and said that he couldnt help me in the way that i needed help :(. Ive had a bad start to this week...:( need to try to get things (my head) back on track.

Hows uni going for u? Workload ok? :-S Did u manage to get all ur assingments finished and handed in ok?

Thinking of u

x x x

hey laura. great to hear from you, although still no need to apologise as im just as bad and I know how uni can be. quite a lot has happened since i last spoke to you so bear with me and apologises if this ends up as a really long message

how is all your uni work going? did you have a good easter?

uni's been a manic for me as well and i havent had a break since january. im now on clinical placement but have managed to screw things up. I got taken home by my visiting tutor (this is a tutor from uni that comes out to see you whilst you are on placement to see how things are going) halfway through my second week for exhaustion and stress (although i wont admit that i was/am). i then had to spend the rest of that week resting - something that i dont do. now im not being assessed for this placement so im going to have to redo it and im on reduced hours which means that i can only go into the hospital (where my placement is) on certain, prearranged, days.  this placement ends at the end of this week and then im due to start another placement after the bank holiday weekend but thats being changed too, im not sure where I am going to be yet - probably at the local hospital but im going to be on reduced hours still and as uni havent recieved confirmation that i'll be able to go where they want me to instead of starting on tuesday i've got into uni for a meeting with my course leader to talk about whats going to happen and hopefully i'll be able to start on the thursday. to be honest, i hate all that has happened, uni seem to have taken complete control of it all and i just have to put up with it. i dont want reduced hours and to be eased into placement, i dont really care if i was exhausted and stress, just throw me into it, if i was meant to do this i'll cope. the fact that none of this is in my control, then impacts on the eating aspect. when i was on placement i was managing to eat ok, now this has happened i fear things will slip.  also has im having to redo placements that wont be until the end of third year so i found out today that i wont be graduating on time with all my friends - to just add to everything

ive also had to have extensions on top of the extension that i already had for my essays. so whereas everyone else handed them in before placement, im still writing mine. so all in all i havent exactly had the easiest of semesters this semester.

i need end up making a decision about counselling and started going just before easter. i do find this counsellor the easiest to talk to out of all the counsellors ive seen over the years but recently ive been struggling with it and not sure if i want to continue. im not really sure why i am going and want i what out of it and im wondering if all the stress and anxiety that i go through before the sessions is worth it. my course leader knows that im having counselling and keeps going on about how important it is and how its more important than my clinical placement but i beg to differ, how is going through a load of pain and hurt (counselling) more important than something that i am truely passionate about (clinical placement)?? whats happening with your counselling? is there any way that you can get referred to an ed specialist? surely your gp adn the counsellor that discharged you must know of somewhere.

yeah i have had my cheerleading competition, thanks. it was in march. we came 4th (out of more than 4 teams! lol) which we were really pleased with as it was our first competition. im not cheerleading at the moment though because of the times of training and i havent been able to make them because ive been at the hospital on placement.

in terms of going out socially i havent been out since february. partly cuz i havent wanted to or had the motivation and my housemates havent been going out cuz of uni work. i think i said in my last message out the next time i was going out was for my housemates birthday which was actually the last time i went out, so long ago! but i did go out once before that. it was right at the beginning of the semester and it was only me and one of my housemates that were back at uni because the other two were on reading week and their semester hadnt started. my housemate wanted to go out and although i didnt really feel upto it i didnt want her going out by herself so i ended up going out. it was a fairly good night actually and i ended up doing that dancing with a guy when im sober thing that i do. we swapped numbers and met up a couple of times during the week. he then disappeared abroad as he has family abroad and originally he said it was for a month but its been about 3 now! he wanted to keep in touch whilst he was away so we're been emailing each other but thats about it really.  i dont know whats going to happen with it as i dont know what i want and i dont want to be used like i was last year, plus i struggle to see how someone can like me and cant help but think that when he finds out the real me he'll run a mile. what about you? have you been out much recently?

how is uni all going? and the eating side of things?

hope everything is ok with you - thinking of you.

love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx