sophstar

hey thanks for that..really sweet of you hun.

I'm not doing too great...and I have a load of uni work to do and I'm stressing soo much!! I'm so down...my doctors have upped my doseage of anti-depressants....and i'm b.p everyday.

I'm so sick of fighting it all. everything..i'm so sick of it....so i guess i'm not being kind to myself.

How are you doing hun???? Hope you're ok...you seem to be doing good :)

Take care sweetie..thanks again love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey hunni!!

so sorry it has taken me such a long time to reply!!

awww hunni, I hope things have started to look up for you?? how are you finding the new dosage of anti-depressants??

don't give up sweetie you can beat this!! I have every faith in you hunni!!

things haven't been too great. I haven't managed to go a day without bingeing for over a week and had gained weight at my last weigh-in.

am finding the number of rehearsals I have and the workload quite stressfull too. I tried one of my costumes on this morning and it was quite tight and I am really really self-conscious about my weight gain and having to show my legs and shoulders on stage as I have to wear a strapless cocktail dress at one point.

always here for you sweetie

*hugs* take care,

ly tons hunni!!!

lexy -xxx-

Aw hun...i'm so sorry to hear that. But it's ok...I bet you look absolutely stunning in you're costume!!

I'm doing better....I'm trying to eat well this week cos I'm going out on friday night and I want to try to look ok.

It;s hard to not binge...like I have a goal but I'm finding it so difficult :(

I understand what you mean hun...but you are doing so well..Dont' give up!! Are the number of rehearsals distracting you at all?

I love acting...because you can be someone else. So even if you feel self-conscious hun...just think...they cannot judge Lexy....but only you're character..because for that time..you are someone else. Therefore...if they think negatively of you...it is not you...but your character.

Take care hunni...let me know how you are doing :)

<3

xxxxxxxxxxx

hey hunni!!

I've been doing a little better this week - have managed three full days without bingeing, and have managed not to binge so far today.

rehearsals are a little distracting as I don't seem to have any time to do anything other than lesson, rehearsals and appointments so am getting quite stressed out about the amount of work I have to do.

am rehearsing with mics tonight and it's quite scary!! have managed to grab a few minutes whilst not on stage to try and get some work done and post a few messages on the board.

am not looking forward to being at school until 8.

how are things going for you right now?? glad to hear that things are looking up a little for you sweetie!!!

ly tons!!

*hugs*

lexy -xxx-

I met someone last night...and he told me that i was perfection...it was weird...like I've craved for that for so long..but I didnt know what to say.

We're keeping in touch. I'm just a little scared bout it..and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't believe him.

But hun....thats great bout you!! You';re doing sooo well..I wish I could see your show...you're gonna be great cos you have worked so hard for it!! :D

But I;m doing good..just need to get my head round the stuff the guy said to me...I felt like crying you know?!

Take care hun

Here if you need me :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

awww hunni, that's fantastic news!!!

I'm soo glad that you have finally got something that you havette deserved for soo long - happiness!!

it doesn't matter that you didn't know what to say sweetie, silence is sometimes the best thing you can say. I don't think I'd know what to say if someone ever said that to me either!

hope the tears were tears of happiness as they should be!!

things have gone backwards a bit and have had 3 days of pretty bad binges and am finding things quite stressful at home. broke down last night after having two rough days where I have felt really ill, and ended up in floods of tears after my concert. am not looking forward to next week knowing how little time I have to do anything.

let me know how things go hunni,

always here,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun...i'm meeting the guy 2moro...I had a bad day yday and a little binge today. I'm soooo mad at myself...how can I be 'perfection' when I'm so disgusting!!

Aw hun..I';m sorry things arent too great at home right now, but we are always here if you need to have a chat about it ok?

I'm like that too...I'm always trying to fill up my day with something just to distract me...except it doesnt usually work :(

Take care hun..let me know how you are and how you're doing soon

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetie,

I'm doing absolutely awful. my dress broke at rehearsal today .I . My friends tried so hard to make me think that it was becausde the dress on the zip was faulty, bless them, but I know that it wasn't as I had binged right before rehearsal .I'm so worried as I have nothing to wear for that scene in the play now and it is on thursday. : (

home's just not great as everyone is so stressed, mainly because of me and my ed and depression, and because I'm meant to eat five times a day and my mum is supposed to tell me in the morning what time dinner is going to be ready but it never happens and she gets really cross with me when I ask her. I know that it sounds really stupid lol.

you are not disgusting hunni!! I know that you will not believe me when I say that as I feel the same a lot of the time and nothing anyone says makes me feel any better, but we can beat this!!

let me know how it goes with the guy sweetie!!! hope it all goes well!

I'm really not sure I can get through this week : (

stay strong hunni and take care,

lexy -xxx-

Oh hunni!!

*hugs*

It's ok...so you may have possibly put on a little weight? THATS OK HUN!! Because you are still stunningly beautiful..and the people who go to see you at the play are not gonna be wondering why the hell your dress has ripped...they are gonna be thinking about what an amazing actress you are!

Why is your mum getting angry? If she is supposed to let you know when dinner is and I understand if she may forget because of other stuff going on...why would she get mad at you for asking? TBH hun..you are doing so well in the fact that you are sticking to what you have been asked to do by askinhg your mum about the times...so please dont worry about your mum being angry. She is probably worried about wether she is doing it right...supporting you enough etc.

The guy...hun im not feeling it. I feel so self-conscious and uncomfortable...and i dont think im over my ex yet to go into another relationship. But i think this guy really likes me and Im not into him...I feel so horrible cos I really dont wanna hurt him.

You can get through this week hun...in fact,,since you've just read my post..you already have!! :)

Take Care sweetie...keep in touch

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

hey hunni,

you have to do what feels right for you, not anybody else!! at the end of the day if he cares for you that much then the main thing he will want if for you to be happy, no matter what the means on his part.

I managed, but I don't know how lol. my therapist wants to up my anti-depressants.

my friends have been really supportive, and when I got upset the other day one of my friends said that she just wanted to give me some of her happiness, bless her. another one of my friends is adamant that she is going to sew my dress for me and we are going to go somewhere I can wear it lol.

stay true to your feelings sweetie and try not to worry too much,

love always!!

lexy -xxx-

soz, realised after I had posted the above message that I didn't say why my mum was angry with me.

I think that it is just because she is worried that she's not doing the right things to support me. we ended up having a bit of an argument on thursday morning before I went to school as she thinks that I am making myself sick/taking laxatives because I have been getting chest pains and stomach cramps. I told her I wasn't doing either, but she didn't seem to believe meand that made me quite cross.

hope you're still doing okay sweetie??

lexy -xxx-

Aw I know what you mean about the argument with your mum...I used to have that but now I just tell her everything so it doesn't matter anymore :)

I'm doing good...I've been put on a meal plan. My dietitian wants me to eat more!! :(

It's quite scary...some of the things I have to do...but I havent got a time limit to it so I may be able to do it.

I'm gonna talk to the guy and say  just wanna be friends. Truthfully...I'm not over my ex yet. And I'm really hurting from it still

I'm sooo pleased that your costume is getting fixed. And you're friends were beiing supportive :) That souns great hun. And dont worry...I've had my anti-depressants upped too. It's going ok with them so hopefully they are helping.

How are you doing atm hun??

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I've done something sooo stupid today hunni!!

I feel so confused. I took laxatives for the first time today - they haven't done much, but I don't know. I don't want to stop taking them, and I don't want to tell anyone about it, but I don't know why.

they haven't upped my anti-depressants yet but I really want them to hurry up. I keep hoping that my doctor will ring to say that my therapist has faxed him and asked him for an appointment.

I'm seeing a different nurse for my weigh-in on thursday as well and I'm really scared. I don't want to talk to her about anything as I don't know her.

I guess your dietician is only trying to do what they think is best for you and what they think you will find easiest. I was asked to go on a meal plan but my mum won't do it. in some ways she has been really supportive, but in others she really hasn't, but I guess that is understandable after what I have put her through tbh.

hope all goes well with the guy sweetie. let me know?

so sorry to hear that you're still hurting over you ex hunni. if you ever need to talk you know where I am.

sorry this is such a negative post hun,

love always,

lexy -xxx-

Oh hunni :(

Ok so lets think about this...you took laxatives for the first time today. Do you know why? Do you think maybe it was because your mum had mentioned about it a couple of days ago? Because she wouldnt believe you when you told her you weren't?

My sister was an anorexic. She took laxatives and we only found out on the night in which I was performing in a dance performance. I got in the car afterwards and everyone was silent. I was hoping for a bit of praise for doing my dancing...btu I didn't push it cos I knew something was wrong. That night was terrible.

I guess I'm maybe trying to get you to see that taking the laxatives again will hurt your family. But I dont want you to feel guilty. The thing is hun...you've realised it was a bad idea. And to do that takes more strength than to stop taking them. But since you have had the strength to do that...maybe you could muster any other strength you have.

You are a strong and beautiful woman. You don't need those laxatives. Bet the don't make you feel too good eh hun?

I hate the meal plan....I followed it yday and I ate sooo much. I feel so fat...it's disgusting and theres a chance I could see my ex today!!! ARG! I miss him sooo much.

I know what you mean with the weigh-in...my doctor weighs me like every month..i hate it...and the worst thing is i know him well. So if i make a fuss or anything..I just can't you know hun?

Don't worry bout your weigh-in...you might find that the nurse is really sweet and supportive :)

I wish my mum had said no to an meal plan for me. In family therapy they all decided that I have these targets...to reach in my own time. I agreed with that...but not a meal plan. But now i have about 4/5 targets to complete. I can't do them all..I'm gonna get so fat.

This post is pretty negative too hun eh!?

Talk soon sweetie...take care

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

tbh I didn't feel too bad yesterday, but have taken twice as many today and I have been feeling pretty rough this afternoon.

I think it was because my mum had mentioned them and hadn't believed me when I said I hadn't been taking them, but I don't really understand why that made me actually take them = /.

I'm sure that most people would not think that what you ate yesterday was a lot sweetie, it is just your ed telling you that. however much you didn't like it you still managed to do it and you should feel sooo proud!!!

you are an amazing person hunni, and I know that it is hard, but try not to let your ex get to you, just remember 'make your own recovery the first priority in your life.'

doing this will allow you to enjoy life to the full sweetie - something that we all deserve!!

stay strong hunni!!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun...sorry for the late reply.

I've been to Germany for a few days...nightmare food wise but it was nice to get away.

But now I'm back to the meal plan :(

I didn't want to come home. I have to face uni work...I have to face not being with my ex...it's so stupid!! I just can't get him out of my head...and he dumped me more than 4 months ago!

Im a little down right now..I don't know why. I'm just so sick and tired of missing my ex..of the stupid meal plan. I dont want to go out with friends and stuff..you know?

How are you doing with the laxatives hun? Are you still taking them?

take care sweetie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetie,

other than food wise did you enjoy germany??

how's the meal plan going hunni??

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down sweetie *hugs*

I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to go out with friends hunni. I was meant to be going to a friends last friday night and ended up backing out at the last minute as I was too scared to go.

my mum knows about them now aswell as she asked me yesterday and I physically can't lie. she said that she had had a feeling that I was either making myself sick or taking laxatives and so I told her.

I've been with my dad all day today and so have had to eat lunch and a  dinner, and I just feel so fat.

hope you're okay sweetie,

let me know how things are going,

lexy -xxx-

Aw hunni....that was so brave of you! I'm so proud of you for telling your mum.

It's the ed making you feel fat sweetie...you've done so well today hun!!

I'm doing ok..I'm trying to look up...cheer up a little

But I'm still hating the meal plan...i feel so fat cos of it. It's horrible. I did purge once when I was on holiday...i had to hun...i ate loads...but I'm trying not to.

take care love...let me know how you are :)

xxxxxxxx

Aw hunni....that was so brave of you! I'm so proud of you for telling your mum.

It's the ed making you feel fat sweetie...you've done so well today hun!!

I'm doing ok..I'm trying to look up...cheer up a little

But I'm still hating the meal plan...It's horrible.

take care love...let me know how you are :)

xxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

I had put on weight at my weigh-in this morning =( I feel so disgusting and I ended up bingeing because of it.

I told the nurse about the laxatives as well as I kind of know that they can't really help me if they don't know exactly what they are dealing with.

hunni, you may have purged once, but look at how many days you didn't purge!!

I know you don't like the meal plan but you are doing so well with it sweetie! it won't last forever hun!

I met up with an old friend this afternoon and we did some catching up, and I've got people coming over to watch a few films saturday evening which should be good.

hope you're okay??

take care,

always here for you hunni,

lexy -xxx-

Aw hun...I know how awful it is..to put on weight and then binge because you feel so bad about it.

But thats ok...thats normal..and I'm so proud of you for making sure the nurse knew about the laxatives!! it's so hard to do that..to tell people and I know you were upset about putting on a little weight. And it doesn't matter that you put on weight hun....you are so beautiful as you are.

I'm meant to be going to a party on weds (don't really want to go) and then next friday I'm going to a club :(

take care hun...let me know how your weekend goes

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

awww sweetheart,

why don't you want to go on wednesday hunni?

I've had a pretty rubbish day today =(.

have just been feeling so down and have been pretty horrible to my mum and now feel really guilty. I haven't binged, but I just feel unable to cope.

I don't know hun ... I seem to be going backwards. I'm not sticking to eating x times a day as I'm supposed to. My aim is no longer to recover, but to lose weight as I feel fat. It's all I've been able to think about all day and I just can't get the thoughts out of my head.

I'm feeling phsyically weak which I guess is having an impact on my mentality as well.

oh well - guess I've just had a bad day and hopefully tomorrow will be better. am at work all day and then have friends over in the evening to watch a few films so I have quite a lot of distractions in place.

sorry for the long negative post sweetheart,

always here for you hunni,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Aw hun...I just...theres gonna be a buffet there :(

And on Friday night...I'm going out with my friends...but my ex is gonna be there and so is that new guy...oh and my ex's best mate said the because I didn't sleep with my ex, he's gonna go so he can sleep with me!!! I have so much on my  mind right now...I want to be thin for friday...I want my ex to see me looking amazing...I have to!! I haven't been sleeping well either...and sticking to my meal plan? not really..more like restricting again. My parents aren't pushing me which does help a little...but then I hate seeing the disappointment on their faces when the see what I'm doing.

Seems we are at the same spot right now hun...I think I'm going backwards to. I haven't binged in several weeks which is great...but I'm going back to the state I was before the binging begun.

Hope you had fun with your mates hunni. Maybe..and I do't know if this will help...but maybe you could stop yourself. Like when you think  'i feel so fat, i need to be thin' maybe try and say to yourself 'no...this is not me...i will eat what is in front of me' maybe pinch yourself when you have the 'feeling fat' thoughts...and then you will begin to associate those thoughts with pain. Only if you want to try it hun....but gently ok

I've been feeling weak too....having dizzy spells and stuff. We are a pair arent we hun!

Can I ask...are you still taking the laxatives hun? Theres no wrong or right answer...I don't judge sweetie. I just want to know how you are getting on

Don't apologise for the negative post hun...mine has been the same.

Take care

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey

sorry to butt in ur convo but i see how hard u both findin it n u 2 wer great to me so mayb i can try help u 2

lexy hows the show stuff goin?

sophstar - if u really feel uncomfortable goin to the buffet fing dunt go - if u feel it wil b safer to not go - dunt put urself fru summit ur not redy for its not worth u will feel comfortable wid it one day i promis if nows not the tym dunt go - u wont b lettin ppl down im sure they will prefer u to b in a safer place?

to both of u ther is soo much to fight for this time last year i was in similar position just revertin in to myself all i did was food obsessed flittin from b/p to restricting anf feelin so rubbish and fat but trust me ur not its just the illness makin u feel it u r worth so much mor

lexy laxatives wont help u hun its a myth but i guess u kno tht n its mentally u feel it helps u . am i ryt finkin as ur mum assumed u wer doin it u fort well u will? i may  hav read it wrong sorry

all i can say is ur parents will worry its natural and they wont kno how u feel but they fink by sayin wat they do n forcin u 2 eat certain fings will help u and unfortunately trust will disappere but u will re gain it all

eatin healthy wont make u fat i hav lernt tht

sophstar bout ur ex - fink real hard - wat do u want from him? do u want him bk? wat makes u feel u need him why do u want to make him see u lookin a certain way? i say all this cus i was hung up on a ex and i did everythin to try n show him i still existed but i now kno it was only cus i wanted sum1 to tel me i looked good n tell me all my effort wat i fort was makin me thinner n prettier ( ididnt start it for tht reason) but i wanted him 2 say i looked good sort of confirmation tht i wasnt tryin to change my body whilst hatin it in vain - i waited n eaited n all the comment i got from him was tht i looked sick and needed sum fat on me

hmmm im blabberin sorry

i wish i culd magic away ur pain for u

u r both such strong ppl

everytime u feel weak and like the voices r takin over mayb take time out put on a song th tmakes u feel better and just fink wat u want from life and write pros and cons for fighting ur ED

i read my diary this mornin it was wat i wrote a yr ago n i wrote a pro n con list and now im livin the good parts to get rid of it i dunt wana go bk to the depths of despair. it aint easy n u need help n let out y u feel as u do but wen u start to make steps forward only good wil come of it even wen slip ups hapen

p.s weldun to both of u for the hard work u hav put in to get urself better

ive rambled on im sorry i just feel at a loss on wat to say to help u both

take care im here if u eva wana tlk xxxx 

Sophstar - oh sweetheart!!!

hope you're okay? I know how horrible it is as I have been restricting as well sweetie.

I've been going out more, but feel so close to tears a lot of the time. not sure how to cope really.

I had a family therapy session today and, although I know that I have been hiding things from my family my stepdad said he felt as though my eating was getting better as I was having less binges and was eating consistently throughout the day, but he just doesn't know that it isn't like that at all.

I don't know. think I might try and talk to my mum this evening, although my aunt and cousin are here for the night so it might be difficult =/

I'm not taking the laxatives, but only because I can't afford them which makes me feel a little guilty tbh as i know I should want to not take them.

let me know how you're doing sweetheart,

lollypop - thank you sweetheart

the shows finished now but went really well thanks! last night was a sell out which was good!!

I know that laxatives don't work - I've found that out as I put on weight when I took them!

yeh, that's the gist of it. I thought that if my mum thought I was taking them then I might as well be if that makes sense.

I think my mum is just finding it difficult as she is depressed as well and my aunt is staying with us most weekends as she's homeless and things are just a little stressful tbh.

hope you're still doing well sweetheart!!

take care both of you,

lexy -xxx-

glad it went well

u just keep strong n look after urself

i fink tlkin to ur mum n tryin to b fully open is a gd idea - sorry its such a stressful situatuon for ya but hun ur aunty isnt ur responsibilty n even if ur mum has her own problems shes stil ther for ya

im still doin gr8 ta

always here for ya xxxxxx

Lollipop-Thankyou hun.

You know, I don't know what I want from my ex. I guess when you are like us, you crave the love of another, and the only person I can see that will provide it is him right now.

I've talked to the guy doing the buffet. He's gonna have some 'safe' food there for me....plus I will eat my dinner before I go so I should be full. I think I will be okay though...being in a binge state in front of friends is terrifying and I don't want them to see me like that.

Never apologise...butting into our convo...you're helping us out...feel free to post again...I really appreciate it.

Lexy-Hey hun

I know what you mean about going out....I'm always comparing myself to everyone else and I get so mad at me and the way I am because of it. I'm usually close to tears too.

Aw sweetie...family therapy...I hate it. *hug* It's always horrible and like your stepdad, my dad just doesn't get it. And then he questions the closeness I have with my mum. It's so frustrating.

Don't feel guilty about the fact you are not taking laxatives  Maybe this time away from them will give you some space to think how you feel without them.

And it's great that you are gonna talk to your mum....let me know how it goes hunni!

Both of you-keep going....we will beat this, take care.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lollypop - hey sweetheart,

glad you're still doing well sweetie!! keep up the good work! =D

I know that she is still there for me. I guess I just don't want her to worry more than she has to as she is a worry guts!

sophstar - thank you sweetheart,

family therapy really is difficult - I'm dreading when I have to take my real dad in as they have talked about me taking him in already, but I just don't know if I feel I could to be honest.

I spoke to my mum and she didn't say much but just that I was trying and that was all I could do - things weren't going to  be perfect straight away. today she has asked me if I have eaten after all my meals, but not in a patronising way if that makes sense?

let me know how everything is going sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

AW thats great about your mum hun *hugs*

If you don't feel that you can take your real dad into family therapy then tell them that. They are there to support you and if you don't feel comfortable with something then they shouldn't push you.

Maybe a little more time and then you will be ready for him to join your family therapy sessions?

I'm ok I guess....I had that buffet thing last night. All this stuf in front of me. But I drank more than I should have which made me just want to sleep and ignore the food.

I feel so fat today hun. Tomorrow night I might see my ex....I'm so scared hun. It still hurts and I'm still hanging on and it's so stupid.

Lollypop was right...that I shouldn't be trying to look thin for him...I shouldn't be hanging on :( But I can't help it

Arg and I have a funeral to go to today....don't worry..it's just a close family friend. I'm only really going cos my whole family is and it looks bad if i don't go. Plus I kinda wanna pay my respects. I'm just terrified they will have food afterwards.

take care hun....glad you talked to your mum :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

I hope so hun.

I'm feeling really fat as well sweetie =(.

how did the funeral go today sweetheart??

My therapist was supposed to be ringing me yesterday as well but she didn't for some reason =(

let me know how things are going.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Oh hun....I know...I feel horrible...I haven't binged in days, weeks even. But the meal plan...oh I hate it.

The funeral was ok...they had a buffet though...freaked me out a bit.

Maybe you should ring your therapist and talk to her, see why she didnt ring you?

take care sweetie

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

awww sweetheart!! *big hugs*

glad the funeral went okay.

unfortunately my therapist is on holiday for the easter break which is why she said she would ring me so that we still kept in touch during the break as I haven't been seeing her for that long, so I don't have a number on which I can contact her.

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

honey...help...i've binged

my friend tryed to commit suicude at the weekend. Not cos of me....but he has tons of problems of his own

I'm stressing about my driving test, uni....and my flipping ex...i'm still hanging on waiting for him to spell it out to me!!

and i got to tell my mum when she gets home :'(

hope you're okay sweetie...im sorry for the message...sorry 

take care

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sweetheart!!!!

*hugs* are you okay??

please don't apologise sweetheart!

look how long you have gone without bingeing sweetheart!! you've done so well!

I've had a pretty bumpy ride over the past few weeks, but reading your post I don't think I can say right now. there's more important things to talk about.

do you know what happened with your friend sweetheart?? have you spoken to him since??

let me know how you are,

stay strong sweetheart,

take care,

thinking of you,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun

He's ok...he's doing alot better. I havent b/p since tues..so im hopefully getting back on track

You said you were having a bumpy ride?? Please tell me hun...don't ever push what you need to say away just because I'm having a bad day *hug*

Let me know how you are sweetie...I wanna make sure that you're ok

thanks gorgeous

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

well done for not bingeing sweetheart! how did it go telling your mum?

okay here goes ....

I shall apologise now as this is going to be one long rant!

we'll start with the more general moaning lol. I feel like I'm being used as a messenger for my friends as they have fallen out big time over some stupid guy, but keeping asking me to tell each other what the other person has said about them. I have actually turned round and said I'm quite happy for them to talk to me, but I'm not going to tell them what the other person has said, if anything, as they wouldn't expect me to do that to them!

I've been restricting a lot again and have lost weight. One of my friends was really upset the other day because someone they know has just been taken into the clinic that I nearly ended up in, and although it did really hit home and I, myself wanted to burst into tears for them, it seems to have made things worse for me.

My best friend turned round to me the other day when I told her about the fact that I am going on a meal plan (as of sat ) that 'you're just going to pretend that everything's fine to those around you whilst you slowly starve yourself to death.'

take care sweetheart,

let me know how you are doing,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun...aw I'm so sorry you're having touble with your mates :(

Good luck with your meal plan hun....maybe talk to your best mate and say that her remark hurt you...because that is really unfair to say that. It is gonna be scary for you and the last thing you need is someone telling you they don't have faith in you.

Tell her you are gonna try...explain to her that some days it is too hard but you will try. Cos I know you want to....you wouldnt be here otherwise.

I'm doing ok...just haviing trouble with my ex. He isn't sure whether he wants to get back with me or not. And it's hurting so much cos I really like him still. we are both attracted to each other...but he is just playing games with my emotions....and i really dont need it :(

Take care love...tell me how the meal plan goes

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

not starting meal plan until tuesday now as she missed my appointment.

awww, bless you sweetheart!! does he realise how you feel??

I've been asked on a date sweetie! nothing is set in concrete, but I'm scared! lol

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Aw hunni...thats great!! Don't be scared..just be you. Show him how beautiful you are :)

Will be thinking of you on Tuesday hun

Well...yes he does. We had this huge convo last night. He said he wants a mainly physical relationship. I don't know hun. But I'm still hanging on...I think we may meet up and try to sort it out. Hopefully then I can move on...or maybe it can work? I don't know

Take care sweetie

Let me kow how your date goes

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

let me know how it goes and whether you do manage to sort things out. I guess you won't really know until you try it unfortunately.

thanks sweetheart, not looking forward to tuseday at all!!

I shall keep you informed of the date when it happens lol.

take care sweetheart,

*hugs*

lexy -xxx-

\Hey hun

I'm still waiting :(

I'm not getting on with my meal plan and i had a bad day yday :(

Good luck today sweetie....I will be thinking of you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

awww sweetheart!!! *hugs*

how come you had a bad day sweetheart?? why you not getting on with your meal plan??

meal plan has been scrapped. I told her I wasn't motivated enough to do it and she said that there was no point then. I feel like I've been left in the lurch a little bit, but hey it's my own fault.

went out with the guy on sunday and had a really nice time. he walked me home as well as it was raining and he didn't want me to get wet.  we're going to go see a show together some time in the summer as well

I got really upset when talking to one of my friends today and he looked really concerned bless him!

let me know how things are going, #thinking of you sweetheart!!!

*big hugs*

lexy -xxx-

Aw thats soooo sweet hunni!! :D

I'm so pleased for you...really I am!!

I dunno why I had a bad day....I can't even remember it!! My meal plan...I guess Im not really keeping to it. Like i have to have extra in the morning but Im so full anyways I dont want to! I manage to do one of the targets for it...have balanced meals throughout. But I can't do the rest.

Thats true about the meal plan...dont do what Im doing and feel like a failure because of it. You need to do it when you are ready. I thought I was coping better with it...but in all honesty...the control I thought I had with it....the craving to be thin takes over it comepletely.

Take Care sweetie...let me know what happend with the guy ;)

*hugs*

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bless you sweetheart!

hopefully things will get better soon eh?

I feel soo fat at the moment sweetheart.

I feel really negative at the moment so sorry this is such a short post.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Sorry for the late reply hun *hugs*

I feel fat too love...I'm negative too...but please, never apologise for a short post. I'm here for you when you need to talk so even if you feel crappy then please tell me.

I had to write a letter to my Dad. About how i feel about the fact he left us. And I have done. We spent the morning together and chatted about it. I feel a bit better...but I did come home and have a mini binge so not so great.

My ex is still deciding what he wants from me. I can't take it any longer. He's been too late and i'm gone. If he suggests anything I will tell him i can't do it. He is hurting me too much.

I have so much going on right now. My head feels like it;s going to explode. I swear my depression is creeping back on me.

How are you doing hun? Let me know how you are....cos I worry bout you. Probably like you worry about me

Take care sweetie

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

no worries!

sorry to hear that things are still so difficult with your ex sweetie.  of course I worry about you sweetheart!! I hope you're okay??

I've had a stressful day at work and so cannot wait for the guy to come round and watch a film to relax and unwind (hopefully). although my mum is on my back about dinner at the moment as she wants to make sure I have eaten before she goes out because she knows I won't eat otherwise.

I've just been finding that I'm losing my best friend due to the things that I have been doing recently and I feel soooo guilty. she has said that she can't be there for me anymore because I won't do what I need to do to get better, and I can feel her frustration and it's almost unbearable to know how much I have hurt her.

really glad you managed to have a good time with your dad this morning sweetheart.

I'm sooo stressed out due to exams that start on monday and the fact that I have missed loads of appointments, on top of everything with my friend. also making final plans to go on holiday with a few friends and, just arrrrgghh!!

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun....aw I had a bad day yday :(

It was weird cos I just snapped and binged and then purged...it was awful.

I'm meeting with my ex today too. I saw him on Saturday and asked him what is going on with us. He kept saying 'i dont know'. He told me to stop waiting around. So all the flirty texts he sent...waste of money were they? I don;t know. I still like him tons. I hope I don't completely crumble when I see him :(

He was the one who suggested it. He said on Saturday it made him seem like he didn't give a **** bout it all. And he did sound like that.  At least now we can just sort it so I can move on and get over him....silly thing is...I don't want to. I feel so safe with him, he made me so happy when we were together.

How things with you hun? Hows the guy??

I know what you mean about being stressed out. I've got exams and uni essays. And I have my driving test next week. Plus all this social stuff...most of the time I just wanna crawl into my bed and hide from the whole world. :(

Let me know how you are hunni

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

you sound as though you need a special hug hunni!! *hugs*

let me know how it goes on saturday sweetie.

things are awful. I've lost my best friend. I've put on weight. my mood has been its lowest in a long time. I'm physically exhausted. I feel like I can't cope.

-xxx-

Aw hun....*hugs*

I'm so sorry bout your best friend. Can you talk to her about it?

It's awful to put on weight..I know it is hun. But you are so beautiful, and amazing. I know it's horrible and makes you feel horrible....but it's ok hun.

I'm sorry that I can't be much help to you right now...but I am thinking of you...and here for you.

Take care hun

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

thank you =)

I have spoken to her but it made things worse I think.

I feel like I just want to burst into tears for no reason and am really struggling trying to think positively about myself at the moment.

let me know how you are doing hunni,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun

Aw hun...you should think positively, because you are a beautiful and kind young woman. I bet your friend is missing you hun...and she will realise...I promise

How things with the guy??

I'm doing good hunni...I met someone new too. He likes me for who I am...has for ages but I was so blind I didnt see it. He makes me feel really happy :)

Take care gorgeous...keep smiling

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

awww sweetheart!! that's fantastic news!!

things are going well with the guy.

had a rough couple of days the past couple of days, have hardly got out of bed, and didn't manage to get to college yesterday (monday), but managed it today and am feeling a little more positive.

my friend is coming round at some point this evening to give me something but she said she needs to explain it, and that I might not like it, so I'm a little worried about it.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hunni...how did it go with your friend??

I'm ok hun...im doing well atm.

Im sorry you had a rough couple of days :( But remember...you are a beautiful, loving woman and you will beat this. You deserve to get out of that bed and live your life...honestly hun you do

Let me know how you are sweetie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

glad to hear you are doing well gorgeous =)

okay I guess - she gave me a letter, but now I have to put on such a face because if I don't I know that I will really hurt her =(

I had to eat dinner at hers tonight, and I genuinely didn't like what we had, but obviously had to eat it as otherwise it would have just caused an argument =(

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Aw hun...you can only do your best. You know, most of the time I eat something that terrifies me...usually for other people...never for myself

I think that if we did eat it for our own enjoyment we would be one step closer to beating our ed...but we will get there I promise :)

Why do you think you will hurt her hunni?

Take care beautiful

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

I don't know.

this weekend has been awful =(

tears, panic attacks, awful binges, migraines etc.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Aw sweetheart...you can tell me about it if it helps?

Don't worry bout me...how are thinsg now hunni???

PLease let me know how you are sweetie...I'm worried bout you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

please tell me about you ... I want to make sure you are okay =)

I don't know what to say really lol.

today has been just as bad.

just feel drained,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hunni..I'm doing ok.

I'm kinda caught up in a love triangle right now...it's so stupid. My best mates ex, the guy I'm dating, and my ex....they all like me. And it's freaking me out. I like the guy I'm dating he's so amazing...but my best mates ex keeps saying how great I am and I hate that. Cos I don't see it and it's hard enough to hear it from my bf. And then my ex says its hurting him...but i waited months for him! I feel horrible bout it all...I hate hurting them :(

I was meant to have a review at the clinic today but they never wrote it down that I was coming. I'm so angry...I missed a uni lecture for it too and I havent seen them for ages. I have a docs appointment 2moro and he talks a load of c*** anyways cos he doesnt get it!!

So yeah...apart from that and uni work...I'm fine hun really :)

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now hunni...just remember I am here for you if wanna talk about it ok??

Take care beautiful

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx