For Butterflies and Dani

Heya,

Found it.

I have to disagree. I think they do care about you. Do you want to explain more?

Stay in there. Keep going. You can do this.

Hugs

xxx

heya hunni,

hunni i also disagree, hunni they do luv u itd just sometyms ppl fall out. hunni i luv u n i care abt u or else i wudnt b rittin this for u

i no this is spose to b abt u but i jsut wanna let u no abt my cr*p day cos i need to let it out, well basiclly i had an amazin baptism day yest but in the evenin as the adrenilin wore off n my hyperness wore off i got seriously depressed n still am, its bin made worse bythe fact i no im not seein my youth worker all wk n by the fact i guy i reali fancy/luv is in italy n i dunno wen ill nxt c him but i havnt seen him for a wk 2moz n wont c him  til sunday at the ealiest. so i hav comfort ate loads today which meands i feel reali fat n im havin to try n not s/h :(

hunni im sorri tht ive havnt sed anyfin halpful n hav jsut got on abt my cr*p day, sorri

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hi,

Thanks for replying on this post :)

I'm sorry you had an awful day *hugs*. I hope that the boy you fancy/love comes back soon, and please try not to self-harm, because it only takes the pain away for a few minutes (or a minute in my case), and then when the pain comes back, you feel worse than before, so please, please don't *double hugs*

Butterflies - *hugs* I feel that nobody cares about me because my mum told me to 'shut up and keep out of it' when i asked my little sister to stop moaning, and she really shouted at me. At the moment we keep arguing over the slightest thing, every day, and she keeps picking at me all the time. Then she gets angry and has a go at me for not wanting to get better, and that really upsets me as well.

I've had an awful day. I feel so depressed and a bit angry as well. People have been so nasty to me at school today, and i couldn't concentrate on eating because people kept saying stuff to me. I feel like crying but the tears won't come out.

I've just self-harmed as well, so i am contradicting myself saying all that stuff to you dani, but i am trying to help as best as i can, even though my head is in a mess at the moment.

I saw my school nurse on monday, and we have got to sort out when i am seeing her and my cpn in the holidays. We had a really good talk about everything, although i ran out of time to say everything that i had to say, and i am seeing her next week.

Hope you both feel better than me,

-xxx- lillies

heya,

Thats good about being able to talk about things. Sorry going to have to leave this to danni to help and support I am to tired and upset. Don't want to cope anyone.

Hope you both are ok

xxx

heya hunni,

AJ (tht guy) is bak friday so i will c him sunday :D tho itll b nearly 2wks from wen i last saw him then :( but ill get to c him :D uve probs guessed im excited cos i reali miss him tho its betta now i no its only a few more days:D i hated not noin wen id nxt get to c him. anyway enuf abt him or ill go on for eva

i want to say thx for wot u sed abt s/h i actually did read this yest i jsut cudnt reply. i was abt to s/h wen ur post came thru n wot u sed reali helped n i put it off. unfortunatly satan has bin turnin everyfin inside out n started sayin tht its worth it to b happy for tht one minute, ive nothin else. n i beleived him cos id bin so badly depressed for lyk 3/4 days n i jsut wanted tht glimps of happiness agen so i s/hed n as soon as i saw my blood i felt so much betta n cdnt stop so had to fone my youth worker so i cud stop. but the fing is i neva felt worse agen after which i weird cos i normally do, tho i no y its cos satan wads makin me depressed n cos i obeyed him he let me feel betta but now verytym i get depressed he can s/h n ill let u feel betta so now im trapped :( but i feel so much betta n havnt comfort ate all day :)

hunni ur mum is only angry tht u dont seem to want to get betta its jsut it hurts her to c u lyk this. n she doesnt understand how u feel n how u jsut cant get betta lyk ovanite which i wot she wants is i probs angry tht ur not betta ova nite n will fink ur not even tryin but hunni i no u cant get betta ova nite n tht u r tryin its jsut so hard for u n tht ur doin reali well. hunni she is probs worried alot abt u n stressed or tired or both n thts y shes gettin angry atm.

hugs hunni im sorri ppl r bein mean agen is it still happenin or hav u bin ok last few days? hunni i no its so hard to cope wiv ppl bein mean n even harder tryin to fix ur eatin at the same tym.

i often feel lyk i hav no tears anymore even wen i reali wanna cry tho on tues i actually did cry for ages n had to rng a firend to calm me down.

hunni ur doin reali well to help me wiv helpin me as well as goin thru wot u r . n i no its so easy to giv advice but so ahrd to follow it n hunni i dont mind if u contracdict, i do too. sometyms ppl giv betta advice wen theyve bin thru the same.

hunni im glad u hav had a gud chat wiv ur cpn n its great ur gunna b able to c them thru ur hols. how r u doin today hun?

stay strong beautiful, im prayin for u

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I feel so depressed and angry today. I have taken it out (verbally) on my little sister and my mum, and my mum says that i keep winding my little sister up, but i can't help it. I have to let my emotions out somehow, and i know it is wrong of me to do this, but my little sister gets me wound up in the first place by saying things like 'you're really fat' and 'nobody likes you'.

I texted my school nurse on tuesday and i asked her if she was in school before monday, because i really really needed to talk to her, and she never even answered me. I know that she is busy and stuff, but she could've at least answered me :(. I wanted to talk to her about the bullying because it has been bad all week.

I self-harmed again today, in school. I don't think anyone saw, it was just something i felt i had to do. My eating has also been really bad today. I ate *, and i chucked my lunch away for something healthier, which i worked out later on was actually less healthier than what i chucked away :(

How are you both doing?

I haven't seen my cpn this week. She didn't want to see me. Must think i am coping, which i'm really not :(.

Butterflies, are you okay? I'm really sorry you feel tired and upset. I feel like that as well,. but you must keep fighting, and please remember, everyone on these boards is here for you.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

I do not want to fight anymore. I have a job that makes me even more tired...canna concentrate annd always want to sleep. I need to just forget I exist.

Sweety, you are doing really well you are strong and amazing. I am really sorry about the bulling it can't help matters. Also your nurse will reply soon. She may have meant to reply but been unable to.

Strange that your cpn didn't want to see you...maybe you should tell her how you are feeling and what you are doing. Use her. You are lucky to have her.

take care

hope you are ok?

hug

xxx

heya hunni,

hunni, its gud u r tryin to let ur emotions out even if its means annoyin ur sis but hunni its so much betta for u to do tht than s/h. hunni u hav to remember tht ur sis only says those fings to wind u up n doesnt mean it at all, she is lookin for attention n a reaction from u, if u try to jsut ignore then she will get bored of it, thts wot i hav had to learn abt my bros.

hunni im reali sorri tht skool has bin bad this wk. hunni my youth worker often doesnt reply to me if tht makes u feel any betta. i dont no y she didnt tho, mayb she forgot she hadnt

awww hugs hunni if u s/hed in skool u must hav felt bad. hunni im sure u hav but hav u n ur skool nurse worked thru other copin methods?

hunni does ur nurse no tht ur strugglin wiv eatin atm? hunni u no tht itll only mak u feel worse if u dont eat rite plz try n at least get tht bit of u sorted

im gud today thx, had a gud day yest wiv a freinds shoppin, n spendin all my monet then my parents tool us to c narnia n then to dinner cos i had a kl day :D

hunni mayb ur CPN wanted to c how well u cud cope wivout seein her.

hunni im always here for ya n ill pray lots for u

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I'm sorry you feel like that *hugs*. I'm sure everything will work out in the end though.

I want to forget i exist too. I hate myself so much it is impossible to hate myself more than i do.

I am really not strong and amazing - you're that, not me.

I am seeing my school nurse tomorrow. I need to talk to her about the bullying because it is really bad and i keep getting things thrown at me all the time :( *cries* I feel like waiting in the corridor for her to get to the school, that is how badly i want to see her, that is how much i need to talk.

Just sent an e-mail to the samaritans. It was the most depressing e-mail i have ever i sent i think.

My cpn doesn't care about me - it is just her job. I think my school nurse cares a bit though, because she phones me and stuff and she lets me see her for ages sometimes.

I am not doing very well. I feel really messed up.

 I feel like I don't want any food at the moment.

-xxx- lillies

heya hunni,

hunni u r strong n ur an amazin person dont let ur ED tak tht from u

hunni im reali sorri tht bullyins bad atm, i no how hard it is ive bin there hunni, i understand n i no how horrible it is n im sorri tht its happenin to a luvly person lyk u but hunni one day itll stop, one day u wont hav to b scared anymore, live for tht day hunni, it will come n it cud b soon u neva no. i no u cudnt c her yest but did u c her today or will it b 2moz

hunni its great u can use samaritans n they wont mind u bein depressin its wont theyre there for n if it help u let ur emotinos out thts great

hunni ur skool nurse does care i can tell tht.

hunni im sorri u feel messed up atm, hunni i no u dont want food u will feel betta n will feel less messed up n more able to cope thru everyfin else.

stay strong beautiful n ill pray for ya loads

Danielle xxx

Hugs sweetheart.

You are a strong person.

I am so sorry about the bullies that is just **** I think that maybe you need to stand up straight and pretend you don't care...maybe eveb retaliate actually do not do that.Oh I am so sorry hunny I really do not know what to say.

Take Care

xxx

Hi,

I saw my school nurse, and i was in such a state. I was refusing food and water, and when i'd finished talking to her, she asked me to stay with her and sit with her while she did some paperwork, and then she had to go back home, so i went back to sixth form. Part of the reason i didn't eat or drink was because of my tonsilitus, but the other part was because i want to lose weight. I told her about my head being messed up and about my mum not understanding, and she said that she understood and she was really nice about everything and i felt as though i could talk about a lot of stuff with her, although not everything. I told her the bad parts of the bullying and she said she didn't know what to do and that her contacts at the bullying charities hadn;t been any help, and she looked defeated. I feel defeated as well now, even more than i did already :(

I think i've lost weight, because  i have restricted recently  which would equal weight loss, but to be honest, i really don't care. I actually do not give a damn if they stick me in hospital because i waste away through not eating.Suits me fine.

The bullying is so bad. I can't get away from it. If i told you what they did, then you would be like gasping and shocked because it is so awful, even my school nurse who deals with bullying on a daily occurence was gasping and said it was disgusting :(

how is everyone?

stay strong, not like me

-xxx- lillies

heya hunni,

hunni ive read ur other post i understand tht ur ill n dont feel up to bein on here much.

hunni i no ur ill n u dont wanna est much but u do need to keep eatin n u definatly need to keep ur fluid intake up. im glad u were able to spend tym wiv ur skool nurse n able to talk abt a lot of stuff.

hunni im sorri u both feel defeated by the bullyin situation, they probs hav but hav ur skool talked to the bullys, punished them etc. another thought if its tht bad cud u get the police involved, i no uuve bin bruised before so doesnt tht cud as assult or somefin.

hunni im sorri u feel so bad u dont even care abt bein hospitallsed, r u perpusly tryin to get hospitalsed? cos u told me ud neva do tht.

hunni im so sorri the bullyin is so bad, hav u bin off skool cos ur ill or not? hunni it must b so hard for u to live thru this, especially if it even shoks ur skool nurse. i dont no if beat wud let u say wot they do but if they did i wudnt mind u sayin if u want to let it out.

im not tht gud actually :( im n i feel depressed n having thoughts about s/h  :(

hugs hunni u r strong, ur doin well for someone hu is strugg;in wiv so much at once, all lot betta than i wud

stay strong beautiful, ill pat loads for u

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I am not purposely trying to get hospitalized, but what i am saying is that i don't care if i end up in hospital. At least i would get some peace away from my awful life.

I haven;t been off school ill, no. 

I'm going to my aunt's on saturday,  i don't feel like eating. Food just doesn't appeal to me at all.

I am feeling so depressed, and the really awful thing is that these posts can't be made non-public, so i can't even say what it is that is upsetting me, so nobody can help me. I am going to talk about it with my school nurse tomorrow, but i don't think she will be able to help me.

Please try not to self-harm. I know how hard it is but please remember that it won't help in the long run.

How are you both doing?

-xxx- lillies

heya hun,

im glad ur not purposely tryin but the fact u dont even care isnt gud. i was hopin u mite hav had a break from skool but neva mind, u must break up soon tho, i finish nxt wednesday, cant wait :D

hunni i no food isnt appealin but u hav to try n eatin somefin n i no u dont reali care atm but i do n i dont want u to b doin this.

hunni im so ur depressed atm, its a shame u dont wanna say on here yeah it wud b betta if we cud chose to mak it private or public. did u speak to ur skool nurse today, has it helped?

sorri hunni but  i got so so dpressed ended up cryin my eyes out n cudnt stop myself for s/hin :( the fing is ive put myself in teh mind set tht it will make me feel betta so it does. n i no tht itll get worse but i feel lyk i dont care :(

stay strong beautiful, ill pray lots

Danielle xxxx

hugs hun.

so sorry you are feeling like this. I hope that u will continue to talk.

Take care.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like you have to self-harm, but i can understand why you do it and i know how hard it is to stop, but please try not to, as it will leave scars, and someone told me that if you hold an ice cube in your hand, that gets rid of the urge to self-harm, so you could try that. Also, my school nurse told me that if you flick your skin, it leaves a bruise, but doesn't actually scar you, so that might work as well. The flicking really hurts, because i've tried it.

I ate way too much yesterday and today, and i have put all the weight i took ages loosing back on. I am so upset at myself and at my weakness.

I've hardly spoken today to anyone. I'm too depressed to open my mouth. I can't even look my mum in the eye because it means having to respond to her. I had to go on a 'family' walk earlier on and i ended up walking off on my own because i couldn't handle the situation, but then i don't like being at home on my own because i get paranoid.

I saw my school nurse, and i was so depressed that i didn't say much, and she kept getting people wanting to see her or speak to her on the phone, so i only managed to speak to her properly for about five minutes, which i think isn't very fair. I just had no emotion in me at all, and i still don't. She was offish with me and kept snapping at me, which upset me, but i think she was stressed.

how are you both doing?

-xxx- lillies

heya hunni,

i hav tried ice before n it did help.. ill try the flickin one too. i cud try the red pen fing cos thts more lykly to help. i s/hed  recently :(  i reali dont want to b n i no try not to but ive just bin gettin depressed n im in the mind set tht itll help  so wen i do i feel happy agen, which is difficult to get round :(

hunni i no u arnt plzd tht uve put on but i am cos i dont lyk u stravin urself. hav u actually put on or do u jsut feel lyk u hav? hunni i no u feel weak but its ur ED wantin u to lose n ur body wantin to eat n tht fact tht u listenin to ur body n not ur ED shows tht ur very strong, so well done

hun im sorri ur so depressed, i hate family situations too, i dont wanna b there n b a part of it n it jsut makes it worse, there no point in tryin to b a family wen u dont feel lyk one.

hunni its a shame u didnt talk much to her, wen r u nxt gunna c her? hunni im sure she was jsut stressed, its nothin to do wiv u

im doin betta today thx hun

stay strong beautiful, im prayin for u

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I'm really sorry that you self-harmed...i don't know what to say, apart from i know how hard it is to stop.

I self harmed today as well. I kept scratching at my neck until it hurt, and then someone walked in so i had to stop. I feel so awful today. I haven't felt this bad in ages. The bullying has been so so bad today, the worst it has ever been. I got locked out again because someone managed to get the key to the sixth form door and they locked me out. Then i had stuff thrown at me and i was hurt in every way, physically, mentally, verbally, and i went and sat by the big river across the road from the sixth form and started to cry, but the tears wouldn't come out. I curled up in a ball on the ground, feeling so incredibly depressed, and i had tears in my eyes, but i couldn't cry. I nearly phoned my school nurse, but i only spoke to her on monday, so i felt stupid having to speak to her so soon. If it is this bad tomorrow, i might phone her because i'm not coping very well. My pencil case got chucked in the rubbish bin. I managed to get it back. I had to go through the bin to get it, and i have a fear of germs because of my OCD, so i was nearly sick doing it.

I'm next seeing my school nurse on 30th July at the clinic.

I'm going to my aunts on saturday and she has scales, so i get to finally find out how much weight i have put on since february.

I don't know if i have put on or not, it just feels as though i have. I will let you know though.

My aunt is really active and she said she has lots of surprises planned for me. She mentioned zip wires. I've always wanted to go on a zip wire.

I have no emotion inside me at all, except sadness. When people were being nasty to me, i felt no anger, just this extreme sadness that swallowed me up and took me in its hold. I can't describe how i feel.

How are you doing?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

I do not know what to say.

sorry.  It will get better...well done for going on the walk though.

heya hunni,

hun im so so sorri u feel so bad n tht the bullys hav bin so bad :( im sorri tht all i can do is pray for u, it hurts me tht i cant do anyfin else for u hunni, i wish i cud :( hunni dont feel bad abt only jsut speakin to her, if ur tht bad u shud speak to her. rng her 2mox if u havnt already. hunni i no wot it feels lyk to go to cry n then nothin omes out n u can feel the tears but they just dont come n all u can do is curl up to console urself but it doesnt work, i no how tht feels. hunni well done for gettin round ur OCD to do tht, i no its so hard to go agenst ur OCD.

how come ur not seein her til then? make sure u rng her if finks r bad for u. u must finish skool soon for the summer n then hopefully ull feel betta

hunni i no u probs will anyway but u no u shud try not to weight urself if u can. b prepared for all outcomes n dont punish urself for wot eva it says. hunni remember if u hav put on thts gud n it doesnt mak u fat, promise

zip wires r so kl, if u get the chance do it. i hope u hav fun wot eva she has planned :D

hunni i understand how u feel wen ppl bully u tht u dont reali feel anyfin cept sadness, neva anger just sadness, lyk u discribed, i felt lyk tht wen i used to b bullied

i was fine yest, got depressed ealier but someone (either my youth worker or my friend hu i was txtin) must hav prayed for me cos i feel reali gud now n it doesnt jsut happen

stay strong beautiful, ill pray loads especially abt the bullyin

Danielle xxxx 

Damm just managed to delete everything.

Sweety, talk to your nurse find her and give the evidence of the bullies to her.  Summer will be easier. You will only have to deal with your dreaded ED but it will be easier coz you will not have to face the bullies ever day as well.

I am always here.

Thought I would let you two know that I am feeling a lot better and I am sorry for not really being around for you guys much lately. I feel really bad about it and selfish but I feel ok now.  Saw GP today and I feel a little more positive as she still has not given up on me or finding me help.  Also found out am allergic to that plaster spray??? A pain in the...as my side looks a little deformed. lol. 

Danni how is it for you?  Have you spoken to that boy again??? How is it going with him.  Most importantly how are you? HOw are you coping.

LOve you guys

Take care

xxxxxx

Hi,

Finally its the summer holidays. For some reason, i feel more depressed than ever.

I did weigh myself. It was so horrible. I am so disgusted at myself. I feel so fat and heavy. My eating went out of the window the whole time, because my aunt is unconventional. I had to eat that stuff because i was so starving hungry.

I did do the zip wires, 70ft in the air.  There was lots of free-falling involved, and i got wet. The zip wires were good, as you go through the forest and it's really interesting.

I saw my CPN today. She was sceptical when i said that i didn't think i had a future and when i said that i felt worse than ever. She was like 'what's changed now then?' with a look on her face that spoke volumes.

I can't believe i am that heavy. I feel so awful about it. I had this thing about going over a certain weight, which i've still got, and now i am over this weight, and i feel so trapped and horrible. I haven't told anyone that i've weighed myself. I'm too ashamed to, and i don't want them to know :(.

Dani, i'm glad that you are feeling better *hugs*

Butterflies, don't feel bad about that. I sometimes don't come on here as well, so its fine - don't worry *hugs*

How are you both doing?

stay strong

-xxx- lillies

heya hun,

im sorri u feel depressed, i got depressed wen i broke up, even tho id bin longin for it for wks wen it finally came to it cos i will miss ppl. but its now only just ova 2wks til i goto a massive youth christian camp wiv my youth group which i luv n there is an event on in blenheim palace near where i live n walked thru it today n its got me in the mood for campin now n gettin excited :D

hunni im sorri u feel so fat n disgustin but remember its NOT true n its all lies hunni ur a beautiful n thin young woman. hunni eat differently will no u gud. i no u feel this is bad but this tym last yr u were hospitalsied cos ur were gunna die n mayb u havnt come so far mentally but uve come a long way phyisically so u must hav improved mentally as well.

i luv zip wires, did u find it a bit scary u went to jump off tho, but its so kl, dont fink ive eva done one tht high tho. did u hav fun then?

hunni ur CPN is probs dissapionted tht u feel tht way cos its not true, i no u feel bad atm n i no how hard tht is but hun u hav a future n a great one n u wil get thru all this stuff to get to tht future

hunni im sorri u feel so bad abt ur weight atm, but ur thin hunni u jsut cant c tht. hunni i bet the weight u set us unrealistic n under wot u shud b so u shudnt worry, its betta not to set u weight to b under tho i no thts hard, cos weneva u weigh urself u say i hav to b under woteva or i'll punish myself but tht weight u set will b to low n i no it doesnt feel lyk it but its a gud fing tht uveput on. hunni u shud try n tell someone, mayb ur skool nurse or someone hu will help u  thru wot u feel cos of it

i hav probs s/hed twice or so since welast spoke but i havt since tues n its not friday so thts qiute gud i spose. followin a live chat yest i hav written down distractions or fings to do wen i wanna s/h so i hope havin them rittin down will help me n i also had a prayer tym ealier n i feel stronger in God so hopefiully tht will help too :)

stay strong beautiful, im prayin lots for ya

Danielle xxxx

sorry I am exhauseted I am not sure what to say to that.

Your CPN is prob worried about you more than you think hence tthe sceptical face she did not want to give that away.  Please do not leave.

Tc

xxx

Hi,

Butterflies, what do you mean, 'please do not leave'? I am confused, sorry.

I am really sorry that you are so tired - i hope you feel better soon *hugs*

Dani - The zip wires were good, but i wouldn't say that i found it fun, because i don't find anything fun anymore.

B-eat deleted some of my text so some of it might not make sense (about my weight).

I have had such a bad day with my mum today. I nearly swore at her because she upset me that much. She said that i am attention-seeking and a stirrer. So i snapped back and said some stuff i shouldn't have said, and now she is looking all dejected and depressed with her head in her hands, wanting sympathy. She knows how to get attention.

I don't want to come out of my room anymore, because wherever i go, i cause conflict, so i am going to stay in my room all day now and either sleep or read.

I feel so utterly depressed and alone. I cause arguments with everyone. I know it's me. I am a bitter, horrible, selfish, bitter and twisted person who doesn't deserve any happiness or friends.

:(

How are you both doing?

-xxx- lillies

hey hunni,

aww hunni im so sorri tht u cant find fings fun anymore, it must get u down

hunni im sorri tht uve had a bad day, hunni ur mum is probs just stressed or tired but she didnt mean it or if she did she meant it to annoy u cos wot she sed isnt true at all. it probs best if u both try to avoid each other til uve calmed down. i stay in my room alot as well cos i dont lyk beon around my family.

hun im so sorri u feel so alone n depressed but im always here for u hun. hunni i promise tht those feelins r lies from ur ED hunni ur a luvly sweet person n ur definatly not selfish at all n ur not twisted hun, u do deserve so much happiness,  cos u hav to battle thru so much hun, u deserve to b happy n u definatly definatly deserve friends n gud friends hu care for u.

im gud thx, im doin well, havnt s/hed for a while. my family went away for the wknd so tht was great n then yest i went to a fiends hu is the sis of the guy i fancy so tht was kl :D

hunni im always here for u n im gunna keep prayin for u lots

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxxx

Heya,

The do not leave was directed at the comment you made to your CPN.

Things are on the up. I am finally going to see someone in four weeks time...the nearest appointment that both of us could do.

Hows you?

Take care

xxx

Hi,

Dani - tell me about this guy that you fancy - is he nice?

I've made up with my mum now, but she is still going on at me. I was around her quite a lot today, and she said that she doesn't think i need to see my school nurse during the summer holidays, which shows just how little she knows about me. She doesn't realise that seeing my school nurse is actually more important to me that seeing my CPN.

Butterflies - I am glad that you are going to see someone *hugs*. You will finally be able to get the help you need and deserve.

That paragraph above was directed at both of you, i just put them in the wrong order.

I am seeing my school nurse tomorrow. I am not going to tell her that i weighed myself, as it will cause problems.

How are you both doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

heya hun,

yeah, he is nearly 2 yrs older than me (17), he is learin to drive, he plays drums, he is christian lyk me, he is the rite hite, n has brown curly hair, he is adorable (well i fink so), i also fink hes fit n he isnt always tht nice to me n doesnt reali talk unless i do first, so i dont fink he lyks me but one of my friends sed its cos he is shy around me cos he actually does lyk me :S but yeah i luv him lots :D

im gllad ue made up wiv ur mum. its probs just she is tired n stressed, my n my mum et lyk tht, especially durin hols cos we r around each other more. i find my mum totally doesnt understand alot abt me n often gets it all rong

hunni im glad ur seein ur skool nurse n i hope it reali helps but i definatly fink u shud tell her hunni especially as u came bak so upset as to wot they sed, hunni itll help u to fix the problems its caused u.

i was doin great, had lush wknd but recently bin utter c**p, i weighed myself n tho it was my normally weight tht im happy wiv i felt even more fat, n hav had emotions all ova the place n hav s/hed so yeah not great :(

stay strong beautiful, im prayin for u

Danielle xxxx

Heya,

It may seem like she knows very little about you but she prob knows more about you than you think.  Maybe explain about the school nurse thing to her???  It might help her understand and you are letting her get to know you a little bit more.

How are you in yourself though.

Take Care

xxxx

Hi,

Butterflies - How are you? What did you mean by the 'school nurse thing'?

Dani - How are you too? I'm glad that this boy is nice(ish).

I had a right game with seeing my school nurse. Basically she didn't turn up. I waited an hour and a bit hoping she would appear, but no sign. So i was very upset because i needed to tell her something, and so i left a message with the hospital receptionist asking her to call me. Then she rang me this morning, and i saw her at the hospital at  for just under an hour. She did say sorry for not turning up, and i know how hectic her work life is, as her phone is always going off and people are always looking for her, so i forgive her. She left me in a room with scales in on my own for five minutes, so i was so tempted to go on them, but i didn't because i was scared that she would somehow know that i'd been on them.

I was hallucinating again badly today. I saw an old man in the waiting room, and then when i looked again, he was gone.

I'm going to my grandparents' house tomorrow, so if their computer isn't working then i won't be able to come on here, but i will try.

I feel like my stepdad seriously hates me.  It's okay though because the feeling is mutual.

I don't think it's fair that my old psychiatrist hasn't seen me for seven months and i am on medication, and they are supposed to review your medication regularly, so it's like they have just stuck me on these stupid pills and thought 'we'll just leave her on these for ten years or until we can pass her on to someone else'. It's bad of them.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

heya,

im gud today, i seem to be havin one gud today then one bad etc, so yest was bad but i feel gud today, but bit worried abt 2moz now tho

he is a luvly boy, i told one of my skool friends hu doesnt no hu he is so i didnt mind but yeah she finks he isnt always tht nice to me cos even tho i dont fink so tht he lyks me but finks i dont so is shy around me n thts y, i reali hope so. but i mite not c him for ages which i hard for me, cos he is awaay this wknd n i dunno abt the wknd after, reali hope i do c him cos after tht im away for abt 3 wks campin in various places.

hunni its a shme u cudnt c her wen u wanted her but hopefully u were able to tell her today. hunni im sure she just genuinely cudnt make it cos i no she cares abt u n wudnt just forget or somefin. hunni im reali plzd u didnt use the scales, she probs wud b able to tell from ur face, if u had, my youth worker can often tell wen im depressed or there is somefin im not tellin, lyk if she wants to tell mum im s/hin i say i wont tell u if u hav then n she will say but ill b able to tell n she normally can, shed b able to tell from my face if there was somefin lyk tht i wasnt sayin

i dont reali no wot to say abt the hallacinatin, but ill pray it doesnt happen agen cos tht must b freaky.

ok

hunni im sure he doesnt hate u he probs just is tired n sappy or stressed or somefin. i no wot u mean abt hatin parents tho

hunni ths not gud of them n probs not sade eitehr, cant u rng them n say u havnt seen me for ages, they shudnt do tht especially if they hav put u on meds

stay strong beautiful, prayin for u

Danielle xxxx

Heya,

Sorry have been on hol for a week.

I ment tell your mum about how you feel about the school nurse y you feel she is more helpful etc...

Well done for not going on the scales.  I am confused though...why do you see your school nurse at a hospital???? surely she is seen at school...oh I get it. I think that is really good that she will see you out of school hours.  It means she really cares.

How are you both?

Take cae

xxx

Hi,

I am trying to get on here, but my computer's resistor thing is broken, so i am trying to grab moments when nobody is around to use the family computer.

My trip away was a nice break, but now i am home again everything is on top of me.

I did stop self-harming when i was away, but now i have started again :(

I am exercising and restricting my food intake because i feel as though i have to since i found out about my weight, and i also feel the need to rebel against my mum, who i have fallen out with over my brother.

My brother goes to university, and he keeps doing things, like touching food with dirty hands and coughing everywhere and swearing at me, and copying my OCD habits and my mum doesn't think it is a big deal, so i end up arguing with her over it.

How are you both doing?

Right, i called my brother a **** and an ******** and i got really badly told off, and then my brother swore at me later on., when i didn't swear, and he didn't get told off.

I am so sick of all this, and now i haven't even got any privacy to go on the computer.

I feel so depressed and fed up.

Sorry guys

-xxx- lillies

Heya,

I know how you are feeling at the moment. 

Sorry I can't be much supportive. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.

xxxx

heya hun,

im glad u enjoyed ur hol n im reali plzd u didnt s/h while u were away :D but disapointed tht uve started agen :( wot made the difference? hunni i no how hard it is but u hav to try not too. i hav managed to stop now, ive bin for more than 2 wks. ive just got off a christian camp wiv my youth group n even gav my blade to my youth worker while i was there which was a big fing for me n i was plzd i did it

hunni u dont need to b restrictin or exercisin at all n if u hav bin uve probs lost the weight by now. i no the feelin of needin to rebel but u no it makes fings harder

hun im afraid tht thts life n its not fair but there isnt much i can say to tht

hunni im sorri ur feel tht way n i hope u feel betta soon

stay strong beautiful, prayin lots

Danielle xxxx