Despair

I just feel so fat, worthless, ugly, and undeserving of anything. Especially food.

xxxxAimiexxxx

I got everything I liked doing taken away from me and I went to hospital, I didn't like it but I was only in for a week while they monitored me but I learned that I needed a rest and to concentrate on getting better.

I realised the uni course I was on wasn't for me, and I'm going to look for a job when I am better as I don't know what career I want!!

But when I put on weight I will be able to buy clothes again and go shopping, my friends are really supportive though and I get to see them quite a bit.

I get frustrated that it will be a year or so till I can do everything again but I understand it takes time now and I can never go back to how I was, as I want  a life that isn't anorexic.

I hope that helps, things will change in the end, but you don't want to be really ill xxx

Hi,

I am sorry that you are feeling that way *hugs*. I know how it feels to feel like that, so i am here to support you and help you through your difficult time. I am also having a difficult time at the moment with my eating, but you just have to try and focus on the good points in your life, and aim towards making them better.

Try and allow yourself a little treat every now and then of food that you enjoy - tell yourself that you deserve it - because you do deserve it :)

Talk to people who you trust about what is going on for you at the moment, and confide in them, because talking about your problems really helps.

How are things going?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Thanks emma, sounds like you had a rough time of it. I hope the time passes quickly for you and you will be able to do everything you want to soon. How did you manage to only spend a week in hospital?

I have to go get weighed by the nurse today. At the doctors surgery. I'm really nervous because my scales at home say I have lost weight. I feel kind of happy, but then I feel really scared because I'm not allowed to lose anymore weight. xxxxAimiexxxx

How old are you Aimie, u said ur still in school?

I only went for a week as my weight was really low so my bmi was dangerous and they wanted to tube feed me as when you start re feeding your bloods can go wrong so I had to be monitored, I didn't get tube fed though and I put on weight so they let me come home and my mum took over, she agreed with the doctors that she would weigh me and cook my meals.

I have to put weight on every week and I don't like being weighed but I do want to get better so much, hope your feeling better xx

heya hunni,

hunni u need to use tht fact tht everyfin u ebjoy has been taken away as a target cos once u put on enuf then u will get it bak, plz dont giv up keep tryin to put on n ull get it all bak agen.

hunni try not to dwell on bad stuff, u must get bored of the ovious fings to do at home so i dont reali no wot else u cud do but try n fing abt all the stuff u can do once ur betta n wot u wanna do wiv ur future n how to get there ur gunna need to eat.

hunni u so so do deserve gud fings especially food, hunni u deserve it more than antone wivout an ED cos they can enjoy it anyway, but u deserve it more cos its takin away ur life not havin it. hunni u deserve food

hunni wot did the scales say at the gps? hunni i no the gud feelin from losin weight but u need to try n c weight loss as evil n somefin thtll kill u n weight gain as a life saver. hunni if ur still losin n u r stickin to ur meal plan then mayb u need one wiv more cals cos there was no way u cud lose weight while stickin to the one i was put on. hunni i hope u havnt lost weight, i wanna c u beatin this. hunni do it for ur family i no u dont wanna put them thru this

im prayin for u lots hunni

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Thanks Dani, emma, and lillies.

On Tuesday I went for my weekly weigh-in. I hadn't put on any weight, but hadn't lost any either. Then yesterday (wednesday) the psychiatric nurse from hospital called. She told my mum she had made a referal to the * centre. I will be meeting with them, and going to view the hospital in *. I am so nervous. I really, really don't want to go into hospital. Because I feel I can't get better without my mum around. I cried loads because I have tried so hard, and not gained any weight. So I have to try and gain some weight for Monday, so that I do not have to be admitted.

Emma- You asked how old I am? I am 15 years old and in year 10. Not a very good time to be missing out on work because of all the GCSEs.

I'm so sorry I've been really like depressing lately. It just feels like everything is getting worse, and that things will never get better, ever. I just keep feeling really depressed, and don't know who else to turn to.

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

hunni if u do hav to b admitted then im sure itll b for the best n tht it will help u. hunni im sure u will still b able to recovor wivout ur mum. ur lucky to want ur mum around, ive neva bin close to mine n the ED made it worse n i still hate her for how she handled it.

hunni it must b so hard for u to struggle thru this tryin so hard yet not bein able to do enuf. hunni im asumin ur still on ur meal plan n if ur stickin to it u mite need to hav some xtra.

 fings will start to get betta hunni n i hope itll b soon, but mayb hospital cud help u to turn this around n hunni i no u dont want to n i understand how scared u feel cos i felt the same but i neva even got as close as u r.

hunni im honestly always here for u if u wanna talk abt anyfin or rant or woteva i no how depressed ana can mak u but hunni it does get betta :) hunni ill b prayin loads n i reali hope u can put on some weight

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

You will be able to get better without your mum, for a long time I depended on my mum to eat and felt I couldn't eat when she wasn't there, so when I went to uni I couldn't cope and had to come home.

Then I went to hospital and she wasn't there, I had to eat without her, I had no choice and for the first time I felt I was eating for me, not to please anyone else but because I wanted to live and actually live a life.

When I left hospital my mum did choose what I ate as I was too ill to, but now I have a little bit of control. I do like her to be around when I eat but I try and do it myself so I can be much more independant and then I feel better as I have eaten on my own, and it is a step closer for me to getting better. xxxx

Hi,

Do you live in england or wales? How are you doing?

I'm really sorry to hear about you being upset about going to hospital, but it might be the thing that helps you to get better and starts you on the road to recovery. I know how scary hospital seems, but i got admitted to an ED unit,. and i found the staff there so helpful and understanding, and in the end i settled in there and stopped feeling so depressed.

If you want any information on an ED unit then just ask, and i will be happy to give it to you,

let me know how your weigh-in goes,

-xxx- lillies

Hello,

I live in England. I am doing okay. I didn't manage to get to my weigh-in today, and when my mum tried to organise another appointment, she got an unhelpful, rude receptionist. So I haven't got an appointment for this week :S

How was it on the ED unit? I mean, did they force you to eat loads? Were the people there caring. Were you allowed to get out of bed? Sorry for asking so many questions. I just want to know as much as I can, just in case I have to go.

Thanks for being supportive everyone.

xxxxAimiexxxx

Hi,

I'm sorry about the receptionist. The receptionist at my vets is also unhelpful and rude :(

On the ED unit it was okay. You eat three meals and three snacks a day, and you are weighed in the morning twice a week. After a meal you have to go on rest so that you can't make yourself sick or exercise, and when you do this you have to be supervised, which is normally sitting down with other people. They didn't force me to eat loads, i just had to eat nutritous meals with the right balance of vitamins and minerals. The staff there were very nice, and i could talk to a lot of them about my problems, and they were very understanding and they helped me through difficult times. You were allowed to get out of bed, you weren't allowed to stay in bed. I went on lots of trips to BBQ's, beaches, historic places, i had different kinds of therapy, such as family therapy, drama, art, confidence group, psychotherapy, occupational therapy. I was very busy. Breakfast was at 8.am and bedtime was at 11.pm, and lunch was at 12.30pm and dinner was at 5.00pm, although that varies depending on each unit, but the meals are always spaced out. I got to know a lot of really nice patients there, and not a single patient was nasty to me - and i was there for three months.

How are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

I had the appointment with J and a lady from the Sussex Centre. I had lost a little bit of weight, but not too much. I need to put on the stuff I lost back on for next Wednesday though. The Sussex centre lady said that she wants to use hospital as a really last last resort. Because she things it will be better for me to be treated at home and try to get better at home.

I have been given a bigger eating plan. Well, I'm just expected to eat a little bit more than what I have been eating. A bit more added to my dinner portion size, and something in between my lunch and nutritional drink thing. I know it's going to be really hard, because I can feel the anorexia inside me building up. It is so angry with me and keeps making me feel guilty and bad. I know it's going to be hard, but I'm sure that if I try really really hard, and have the support from my mum then I should be able to do it.

I'm a bit scared, but hopefully I will get there. Here is where things start to get really hard. I am going to need all my strength to fight this, and as much support from you guys as I can get. Right, the fight against anorexia nervosa has reached turning point. It's gooing to get harder, am I strong enough to battle to freedom? Am I strong enough to recover?

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

im glad ur hav still got chance to recover at home :) plz try extra hard to make to most of it so u can recover at home. hunni just remember if u do hav to go to hospital its cos they no it helps ppl to recover but they no u will prefer to do it at home if u can.

hunni its a shame u had lsot weight. hunni ur nu meal plan shud help u to put on some weight.

hunni it will b hard but ur doin so well n i totally understand how u hav ana jsut shoutin at u constantly n makin u feel bad. last wk ana started to take a hold on me agen n it got hard for me but last nite he healed me agen :D hunni u hav the support of ur mum soemfin i neva had so tht shud reali help u.

hunni jsut rememeber tht ana is pure evil everyfin she says is a fat lie n if she makes u feel bad then ur doin well, hunni she will want to fite bak but hunni u r stronger n u hav support from ppl ana is only powerful when no one else nos cos she lives off lies n secrets. hunni if ana tries to tear u down tell her u will beat her cos u can.

hunni God is wiv u all the way thru this even if it doesnt feel lyk he is thts jsut satan tellin u he isnt gunna help u but hunni he will. hunni im gunna by wiv u all the way n im always here to help u as much as i can. hunni this is a turnin point make the most of it n start i fite bak for ur life. when its gets hard fink of all the fings u miss n aim to get them bak. maybe pal nsomefin special to do wiv friends once uve beat this.

hunni U R strong enuf to battle n U R strong enuf to recover n u will hunni neva eva giv in ur gunna win this :D

always here for u n prayin lots for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx 

Oh my goodness Danielle, that reply you gave me made me feel so happy :)

I have been struggling alot to cope today, and last night. And you post made me feel so happy, like I mean something, like I'm meant to be here, you have given me the strength to fight another day!

I've been struggling today becasue I have had to increase my eating. I hate the anorexia inside me. Why doesn't it just give up? My mum has just been acting really stressy around me, and has been snapping at me, so I've spent the majority of the day sitting on the floor in my bedroom trying to figure out what I've done wrong. Last night I was at my most lowest point ever. I seriously thought I was going to die. I was hoping that I would go to sleep and not wake up in the morning. But now I feel a little better. Do any of you find you get more depressed around night time like at bedtime. That's the main time I feel depressed, hopeless, worthless etc.

Thank you for your supportive words Dani, you are truly amazing. And I'm glad God healed you. Your meant to be here on this earth, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Sorry if anyone else's posts have come through by the time this posts, I will reply to those later!

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

hunni im so glad it helped u, it msde me day to no i made a difference n im helpin u to beat this :D hunni u do mean somefin so many ppl care abt u. i cae for u a lot n i dont even no u in person, only form talkin on here so imagine how much ur friends n family care for u. hunni i so gald im givin u the strengh to fite this :D

hunni i hate ana too so thts y u hav to beat it. hunni i no ur meant to b here n i jsut got this feelin tht God is gunna use u for somefin special, n thts y the ana wont giv up, it's satan tryin to rin Gods plan to make sure u no good to him, but u will b hunni. i no God was somefin special palnned for my future n wants to use me n he will use ur experiences of this to help others, lyk im alreadi doin cos if i neva suffered i wudnt b helpin u.

hunni i no its so hard to increase eatin but for all the reasons uve sed above n all the reasons ive told u before u need to keep strong n keep fittin ana cos u will beat her.

hunni its lykly u havnt done anyfin, its probs jsut stress or somefin else in her life or shes jsut tired, dont blame urself, its not ur fault. my mum was reali stressy last wknd n kept, snappin n shoutin at ppl esecially my dad.

hunni i do tend more around tht tym too, mayb its cos ur tried n more lykly to believ to the lies. hunni i want u no tht ur not hopeless or worthless n they n anyfin else ana tells u r all lies. hunni i believe tht my ana was a direct attack from satan n the ana itself was a demon, i dunno if tht fits in wiv ur beliefs but i feel it may b the same wiv u. hunni its cos God wants to use us hunni n satan doesnt want it to happen, but we hav God on r side n we hav the holy spirit livin in us n 'we can do all fings thru christ hu strenghens us' tell ana tht when she trys to tear u down n tell her to leave u alone n tht u refuse to listen to her lies.

im glad God healed me too :D hunni thank u so much for all the encouragement, uve made me feel so much betta.  i also hav some soul survivor music which i listen to regually n it reali heps. (i dunno if uve eva heard of or bin to soul survivor, if u havnt its u massive christiian camp for young ppl, there r some awesome worship songs n i recommened gettin some if u dont alreadi, if u put soul survivor into itunes u can find some or try a christian bookshop)

hunni ill b prayin loads for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hello all,

The anorexia is so strong right now. it keeps taking over my mind and trying to control me again. I knew eating more was going to be hard, but not this bad. I keep being told by ana that I am eating far too much, and that I'm going to turn really fat really quickly. That I am so undeserving and unworthy of any food.

I feel so bad. Feeling so guilty for eating. But I know it will be harder in hospital. They will expect me to eat way way more! I hope ana shuts up soon.Then it can leave me alone. Then I can be happy again.

 :(

xxxxAimiexxxx

P.S thank you once again Dani, whenever I see a post from you, I seem to cheer up! Just when everything seems to have got the worst it can go, I see a post from you and I smile again.

I was thinking of just letting ana seep through all my body, seep through all my mind and thoughts. But NO!!! I cannot let her win. I will be strong. I have God on my side. Hopefully he can heal me too. Sure, maybe it's strong now, but I'm sure I can force it down for a while, get it while it's weak. As time has progressed, I've found that the anorexia is more of a she than anything else. At first she was an it. But now I think I'll call her a she. If that makes sense?

Keep fidhting everyone!!

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

hunni i no how strong it can seem but hunni u r strong too n ur stronger, always rememebr tht, it has no authority ova u n it has to b ur choice wot u do, ana lives off lies n if u can learn to remember everyfin ana says to u is a lie itlll help.

hunni u hav to try n remember tht u dont hav to listen to the  thoughts u hav

i struggle wiv this n i can get attached to ana deep down n then tht part of me doesnt want her to go so she wont but u shud try hunni to command her to stup up n leave u n tell her u dont beleive her lies n tht u wont do as she says.

hunni u dont eat tomuch, its more lykly to b too little, hunni ur not gunna get fat at all let alone quickly n ur deffinatly not undeservin or unworthy of food. hunni ur the opposite u deserve food so much,  i can eat freely all the tym but u struggle to eat enuf to keep ur body goin n hunni u r wothry of food n as much as u want. hunni u c tht all the stuff ana has told u is a ie n its the total opposite of wot she sed.

hunni if u ignoe ana then she will b weaker n u prove to urself tht u dont hav to do wot she says.

hunni im so glad ive made u smile n tht im helpin u thru this ni no the difference it makes to hav this support. hunni it cheers me up tho tht i make a difference n if i can help u thru this hard tym it makes the tym i spent so worthwhile.

hunni well done ur so strong to say tht. hunni neva giv in to ana, i allowed her to seep thru me n thru all my thoughts n hunni it makes it so much worse, neva eva do it. hunni God is n always will b on ur side n he will neva leave u. pray abt it n i will to.

hunni well done for stayin positive, hunni u can force it away.

hunni u will no tht i call ana a she, its cos a ot of ppl find it helpful to create a picture for ana tht reminds u she isnt part of  she is separtate n tht ahe is evil. i created a girl  tht was someone i wanted to look lyk, tho tht wasnt helpful but i gav her black hair cos a friend of mine tht had started to mistreat me n ended up bullyin me but i stayed friends cos i didnt hav many n i hated bein alone. so thts how i sumed up ana, someone hu promised freindship but mistreated me n i felt i cudnt leave her. hunni just mak sure u dont get attached to wot eva u create as i did, it doesnt hav to b human either.

hunni sorri if ive bin a bin ramblely today, glad u findin it helpful tho :D ill keep prayin, pray abt healin

stay strong beautiful ur doin reali well

Danielle xxx

Hey dani,

Don't be sorry for rambling!! I love your posts, the longer the better! It gives me something to do, makes me feels good about myself, pushes ana down. It makes her feel inferior, because she can't say horrid things to me when I'm reading nice things about me. Because then I will know she is lying.

I went to my weaekly weigh-in today. Even though I have increased my eating, bad news. I have managed to lose a bit of weight. I'm soooo frustrated because I've been trying like really really hard. I want to stab the scales and shout!! So feeling a bit annoyed and a bit like a failure :(

Going to see a psychiatrist doctor at the hospital tomorrow, wish me luck!

Love yew all :) Kepp strong, keep fighting.

(P.S thanks for praying for me Dani, the one good thing about having anorexia nervosa is that it has brought me closer to God. I pray more and talk to him more now. And I just feel so much closer to him.)

xxxxAimiexxxx

Hi,

How are you doing?

I hope your appiointment at the doctors goes okay!

Try and stick to your meal plan if you can. I know its hard, but just tell yourself that you can do it *hugs*

I feel as though my ED sometimes wins the situations i find myself in, and i hate myself for it, because all i want to do is enjoy what i am eating, but i can't because i'm too scared that what i am eating will make me fat :(

I also tend to feel worse of a nightime - i'm not sure why

Please try and stay positive, and remember that you are such an amazing, supportive, inspirational person who has a good future ahead for themselves.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hello,

I went to see the psychiatric doctor with my mum today. I really didn't get on well with her though. But I stayed calm. She wanted to put me on anti-depressants. My mum said she didnt want me on them, but the doctor was persistant and wrote out a perscription for me. No way am I going to take them. I have seen what they have done to my gran and my mum. I don't want to end up like them. I'm so nervous because a lady from the * is coming round my house tomorrow. She wants me to be at * but I'm only at *. I am trying so hard with eating, but it seems I'm not getting anywhere. It seems my mum tellls me she's pleased with how I am doing, and she knows I'm really trying. She says that sort of stuff to me. But then when she speaks to anyone else she says how I should be eating so much more. It makes me really angry. She's telling people I need to be eating more. But I have just had an increase in my eating plan. Is nothing going to satisfy her? She drives me crazy!!

Speak to you all soon. Stay strong (unlike me).

xxxxAimiexxxx

I know I musn't give into ana, but I'm so tempted. It seems the easy way out....

Hi,

Psychiatrists can be scary, but they are there to help, and i'm sure it didn't go as badly as you think. Maybe it was just because you were nervous? It is best to be honest with them and talk about how you feel. I know what you mean about anti-depressants though, because my psych. kept on and on and on at me for two hours until he said he wouldn't treat me (this was the one in the hospital i stayed at) if i didn't take them, so i had to take them, and this was a year ago, and i am STILL on them, and i've only got a bit better. I hate the things, but they do work for some people, but it is completely up to you if you take them or not.

A lot of the above might get edited so if it makes no sense then i am sorry.

How are you doing today?

Please don't give in to ana - i know it is tempting, but you must keep fighting, and we are all here to support you *hugs*

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Thanks lillies, and danielle,

Before I had a chance to adjust to my new eating plan (a few days) I have been given even more to eat. The lady from the ******* came round yesterday, and increased my eating. This is seriously the most hardest that I have found it all through the beginning of recovery. I physically cannot fit all the food in. Every night I am going to bed feeling as if i'm about to be sick. But if I don't eat what they tell me to I will be sent to hospital where they will force feed me. It's so not fair. They're not giving my body enough time to adjust to the food I'm having. They just keep adding it. I can't fit it all in! It's the most horrible feeling in the world. But I have to keep going.

Stay strong

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

sorri ive not bin on for a few days iv just bin reali busy. ill start replyin to the first post since i was alst here n work thru.

gud glad u lyk it cos this is gunna b a long one, lucky u :) im plzd tht im helpin u. hunni im glad it helps u feel stronger than ana n tht u can no shes lyin. now u need to no tht even if ur not on here tht woteva n i mean everyfin she says is a big fat lie n u shud ignore everyfin she says.

hunni ur not a failiure tho i understand how annoyin it must b. hunni i no how hard this is to suddenly eat do much n hunni u cope wiv it bett than did. hunni i dunno y ur not puttin on weight. but dont eva giv up hunni u will get there.

c hunni God is incharge n he is alreadi workin thru this wiv u, he can turn the worst situations into kl fings :D hunni hes gunna use this to help u, its great u feel closer to him n r prayin more n stuff :D

hunni its a shame u didnt get on wiv her. hunni i fink it shud b ur choice if u wanna go on them or not. i neva had so i dont reali hav an opinion but i no they help some ppl more than others.

hunni ur mum is probs sayin tht cos she doesnt want u to feel lyk ur not doin well n she can c ur tryin reali hard n ur doin reali well n ur r hunni, ur doin great :) but its jsut she nos tht compared to other ppl ur not eatin as much as u shud but hunni itll tak tym to get there. but she wont want to say tht in front f u in case it puts u down shell wanna say encouragin stuff. hunni my mum drives me crazy too, i understand.

hunni u r strong n ur doin reali reali well hunni, i understand how hard this is. hunni i no u jsut wanna giv in n its seems lyk the easy option but u no if u do ull b atmited n force fed n itll b harder to beat. hunni when u feel tempted to giv in pray tht god will keep u strong by his spirit n tht he will protect u.

hunni i no how hard this is n tht u were still tryin to eat more as it was but hunni they jsut need to get some more weight on u. hunni i no it feels lyk u cant evn fit anymore in u but hunni its another lie, u can do it n hunni i totally understand how u feel. i went from 1/2 meals a day to 6 n i hated the feelin of any food in me n i reali struggled but u hav to work thru this n no u will come out the other end free of this n noin tht god is gunna use this for his kingdom.

hunni *big hugs* ur doin so well n copin great considerin n hunni i r strong n well done for not lettin ana tak ova n for stayin postive n keepin goin. hunni God is alreadi usin this n he will continue to for yrs to come but he can only do tht if u beat it but hes gunna keep helpin u thru this. stay strong in him hunni, ill pray loads

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya all,

Dani- you are a real sweetheart! You always have something to say about what I've written, and it's always encouraging and useful. I don't know what I'd do without you! I seriously can't thank you enough.

I'm doing alright. Not too great, but things could be worse. I'm trying really hard to stick to the eating. Even though I just want to pick up the food or whatever and chuck it across the room! My family's not being too helpful today. My mum and my dad had an arguement, and my sister refused to go to school. Now my mum's in bed, my dad has left the house, and my sister has the tv turned up really loud. If only I had an internet connection in my bedroom!! Oh well.

Feeling a bit more positive today. I'm not really as scared as I was about hospital. I kind of see it as: hospital is there to help. If I don't managed to gain weight for tuesday then they have no other alternative than to send me to hospital. Whether I like it or not! Hospital isn't as bad as I think. It is just ana pushing everything out of perpotion (again!).

Stick to it everyone. I know you can!!

xxxxAimiexxxx

P.S hope you're okay danielle? And lillies?

heya hunni,

thank u hunni, uve cheered me up :)

hunni well done for stayin positive i no this is hard  it doesnt help when ur family r bein annoyin, i get tht a lot too. i lyk live in my room apart from watchin tv, i only got internet up here last wk so now i can do this in my room as well.

hunni hospital is there to help n im sure it wont b as bad as u fink but it is a bak up plan n it wud b betta if can recover at home. mayb if u do still wanna b at home ask if u can try outpaient for a bit so u still get to go home if thts wot ud prefer.

i had bin gud but yesterday while i was eatin a boy in my form sed stop eatin tht u fat somefin n i no he was only teasin n hes a nice boy n didnt actually mean it n i was fine to start wiv but then satan strtd twistin it round in my head n by the tym i got bak from skool n basiclly comfort ate durin the evenin but did manage to not s/h. n woke up fine today n was fine at skool but got home n got depressed agen n hav comfort ate agen n reali wanna  s/h.

so yeah enuf abt me well done hunni ur copin so well :D ill keep prayin for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I'm sorry about all the food you have to eat, but please remember that the food will help you to get better, and as it is nutritous it will give you the right vitamins and minerals, and this will help you to feel better in yourself.

I'm really depressed today - i never saw my CPN. If you want to know why, look on the posts that i have posted earlier, because it is too long-winded to keep explaining it, and everytime i explain it i feel like crying :(

I am becoming addicted to exercise again now and i am starting to restrict my eating because i am so fed up of being stuck in this horrible fat suit.

I went to hospital and it isn't as bad as you think, everyone is there to help you and you get to talk to similar people who have been through the same kind of things, so please remember that as well.

how are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hello all,

Went to the nurse for my weekly weigh-in. Even though i've been eating more food, more calories, I haven't put on any weight. Frustrating. Really frustrating! I have an appointment with the sussex centre woman tomorrow. She is coming round to my house. She wants me to have put on weight, but I havent. Even though I am following her eating plan! Oh my goodness. Am I a freak of nature or something? Eating all this stuff and failing to gain weight. I hate eating so much! It just makes me feel, I might as well not eat, then there would be a reason for me not putting on any weight. What do I do? I am going to be expected to eat even more now. (the lady will most probably increase my food intake). And I can't cope with that. I feel so sick when I eat. It's so hard to finish everything that I am given. But I am finishing it. And where is it getting me? All this fighting, all this eating, all this trying, and for what? To see the scales read the same low low weight every week.

Sorry I have had like a huge rant, just feeling a bit you know. Urggggggggg!!!

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

sorri but i cant reali fink of how to reply but wanted to anyway

hunni i reali dont no y u havnt put anyfin on but u havnt lost anyfin rite? thts gud :D hunni i understand tht eatin on a meal plan when ur ana n it must b so so hard for u to not be gettin anyfin out of it yet but hunni keep goin n u will get there.

hunni u do so well n hunni ur strong agenst this. hunni let her no tht ur eatin everyfin n tht ur tryin reali reli hard n beatin ana. hunni ur welcome to a rant if u need one. always here for u n ill pray loads for u. let me no how 2moz goes

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx 

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you are failing to put on weight - i know how frustrating that must be for you when you are trying so hard *hugs*

please try not to get too depressed about it  you are trying and that is all that matters.

How are you doing today?

I'm not doing too good.....had some bad news :(

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hello,

Thank you for you're replies. Always helpful :)

Things went okay yesterday. Well lets just say she doesn't want to take me into hospital yet. She gave me one more tiny thing to add to my eating plan. But she said I am doing well. Wich was good because I thoguht she wouldn't believe I was eating all she told me to.

Generally I'm doing okay. But I keep feeling really really sick. Like I'm actually about to throw up. It really horrible. I have such a fear of being sick. And if I do end up being sick i'm going to lose weight :S

What was your bad news Lillies? :(

Ana got really strong the other day and I don't know why. IAll the old thoughts and feelings came flooding back while I was in bed. It was horrible. I wanted to go back to starving myself. Loving the feeling you can get from it. I wanted to start exercising again. Jogging in my bedroom like I used to. I wanted to sneak into the kitchen and take some laxative without my mum knowing like I have done before. But I managed to stop myself. But it was really hard. I don't know how I did it!

I'm excited because it's my mum's birthday on Saturday :D She will be 33! And I'm 15! There aren't many years between us! The only thing that worries me is she wants to go out for a meal :S And she wants a big chocolate birthday cake. Uh oh. What am I to do?

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

im reali glad it went well for u yest :D hunni im glad she understands ur tryin hard n is lettin u keep goin as u r. n its gud she hasnt changed ur eatin too much.

hunni i hope u stop feelin sick soon, but if u dont u shud ask ur mum to tak u to the doctors.  hunni i no i hav had tummy aches tht made me feel reali sick when satan was attackin me recently. hunni it cud b ana tryin to put u off eatin or jsut makin u feel bad. hunni if it is a from ana u hav to no tht it isnt a reali stomach ache n it doesnt exist n cant make u sick.

hunni im so so proud of u for not givin in :D. i no how hard tht is so u did so well for no givin in :D hunni i hav a feelin tht its jsut ana tryin so hard to get u bak into ur old ways n u need to keep strong n urdoin reali well. hunni u could try prayin in the mornin n evenin for Gods protection.

does it help tht ur mums not tht much older than u? ur probs closer cos of it. hunni i no goin out is scary but ask where ur gunna go beforehand n look at the menu n plan wit ull eat. it helps to no in advance so u can b ready. hunni ur mum will understand if u dont want much but mayb try n hav a bit.

hunni ill pray for u n ur protection n u could pray as well.

stay strong beautiful ur doin so well :D

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I'm glad that you don't have to go into hospital. That is really good and it shows that you are trying very hard - well done.

My feelings are all messed up. I feel so numb and alone.

My bad news was that i can't talk about something that happened to me when i am younger for *years, so that means i won't get better for at least * years. I can't say what it is though. I can't describe how i feel. I couldn't come on here for two/three days because i was too upset.

sorry i am not being very helpful today,

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

Hello, everyone

Well, my mum's birthday didn't go too well yesterday. I didn't have to eat any *, and I didn't go out to dinner. But that was my dad's fault. He had a go at my mum. I couldn't believe him. On her birthday! He didn't buy her a birthday * either. I felt really sorry for my mum. And I didn't manage to eat my required amount of calories. I have this strange feeling inside me. I know it's the anorexia.  I don't want the feeling of food inside me. But I still do have all the stars that fly infront of my eyes when I get up from sitting down most of the time. That I have damaged myself, so I can't even get up without feeling ill.  I don't seem to care about the consequences of not eating. But I can't because my mum is so closely watching everything I eat.

Help!!

xxxxAimiexxxx

P.S

Lillies I hope things get better for you soon. It sounds as if things are very hard for you at the moment.

Dani yuo are so kind, I don't deserve you.

heya hunni,

hunni im glad u didnt hav to go out for dinner cos it can b hard but im sorri to hear ur dad spoilt ur mums bday.

hunni uve bin doin so well plz dont slip bak n start not eatin enuf. hunni u need to eat ur required amount cos otherwise ull neva put on weight n ull end up in hospital n possible force fed if u cant eat urself. hunni i no wot it feels lyk to not want the food in u n i no its reali hard wen ur on a meal plan but hunni u can do it. i did n ur a lot stronger than me. hunni the feelin is ana, hunni someone wivout an ED only notices when there empty or hav eatin far to much not if they jsut hav some food in u.

hunni if u r gettin stars in ur eyes wen u sit up then ur reali need to put on wieght cos fings lyk tht r signs tht ur body is reali reali weak n not copin n u need to mak sure ur gettin food inside u.

hunni i no u dont want ur mum watchin u eat ut atm u need it cos otherwise u cud easily kill urself. especially if u dont care abt wot ur doin to urself. hunni i bet u do deep deep doen its jsut ana wont let u care. hunni do u honestly want to starve ur body so much tht it can not work any longer n jsut has to totally giv up on u n u lose ur life. hunni tht may seem a bit harsh but hunni this is serious n if u were not supervised thts wot wud happen.

hunni i wish i cud actually help u but i cant so this will hav to do n hunni im gunna pray for u loads. hunni u do deserve me u do deserve help n u do deserve to get betta n u do deserve ur life bak

stay strong hunni

Danielle xxx

Hello,

Oh my goodness. Went for my weekly weigh-in.  How does this work? I feel as if I am eating all day long, and have nothing to show for it. If I lose any more I will be admitted and I want to do this by myself. Help?!

xxxxAimiexxxx

Hello again,

Forgot to say. Me and my mum talked to the nurse today again about me feeling sick, and weighing everything up we decided that I might have a slight dairy/* intolerance. That's why I have been feeling sick and having bad stomach pains. So we are trying today without any *, *  * etc. Using * * instead to see if I do have a small intolerance.

xxxxAimiexxxx

I kept feeling sick and sometimes I still do if I get worried about eating a lot, but when I had lots of * I would feel sick so I tried * and I really like it!! And like to drink it so even if I am not intolerant I find a food that I like more than *xxx

hello,

thanks dani for your post, you're so sweet. I wish I new you in real life. You have been a better friend then any of the ones I go to school with. I think ana is just trying to take over my body because she knows I am trying so hard to fight her. Hopefully she'll give up soon though. I will get through this, I wont let her win. I wont let her take my life like she has to so other people. I will stay strong. For the sake of me and my family.

I was listening to music the other day and it made me think of if I died and what music would be played at my funeral. It made me really sad because I realised I'm most probably not far off death. It would be horrible if I died. It would make so many people unhappy. So I will keep fighting, to stay alive and to have my life back.

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

its honestly ok hunni, i wish i nu u too, ur a great friend to me too n i wish i cud help u betta .

hunni wen u start doin well fittin agenst ana then she often tries  to tak control agen but im glad ur determind to beat her :D hunni wen u starts makin u fink ana fings tell her to shut up n tht u refuse to listen to her n tht she has no control

hunni im so glad ur guna keep fittin to beat this n u so eserve ur life bak :D n u will get there one day :D

goin bak to yesterdays posts:

hunni ive run out of fings to say as to y ur not puttin on, if u eat all ur spose to then u shud put on, sorri im confused too.  hunni i no hospital seems scary but at the end of the day they r there to help u n yeah i understand u wanna do it alone n thts the betta way to do it but hospital will help u if u cant manage alone.

hunni mayb u cant put on wieght cos ur body is reactin badly to a certain food n tries to get rid of all food as qiuck as possible. i dunno its jsut a guess

anyway im prayin lots for u hunni

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hi,

Sorry i haven't been on in a while, but i had to sort things out in my head.

How are you doing?

Maybe you are doing too much exercise (which you shouldn't be doing, but i know you can't help it if you are doing it) because that would cause you to not put on weight.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Heya all :)

I got got this get well soon card posted through my door last night. It was signed by all the people at my church group. It was so sweet. I just wanted to cry because I havent felt so happy and so loved in soooooo long! It has given me even more of a reason to fight. I so want to go back to my church group and I might be able to go to church on SUNDAY!!!! I'm excited :D

I will fight stupid anorexia. And if she fights back I will fight harder. I have to do this. For the sake of me and everyone who loves me. I want to be back performing, spreading the word of God through dance and drama with my church group. And if I try really really hard then I'm sure I can do it.

I WILL WIN!!!!!!

xxxxAimiexxxx

P.S keep fighting everyone. I know we have our bad days, but don't dwell on them, think about all the good times in your life, and think about all the good things that are yet to happen :)

heya hunni,

im reali glad tht cheered u up :D it was reali nice of them. hunni im reali glad it has encouraged u n givin a reason for u to fite :D hunni im reali glad u mite b able to go to church on sunday n this sunday is a kl sunday cos im gettin baptised :D hunni im sure everyone at ur church will b reali plzd to c u n i hope itll encoursge u to beat this so u can keep goin

hunni om reali glad ur so positive abt this n hunni u will fite harder cos ur gunna do this. its reali kl tht u do spread Gods word thru dance n drama it sounds great. im not a confident or loud person so i dont lyk drama but it sound reali kl

HUNNI U WILL WIN :D

stay strong beautiful ur doin so well but im still gunna pray for u

Danielle xxx

Hello everyone,

heya hunni,

hunni i totally understand how u feel. i only used to jsut hav a drink in the mornin for lyk ova a yr before i became ana n then wen i went on my meal plan i suddenly had to start havin breaky alone wiv my other 2 meals n 3 snacks so i totally understand

hunni tell ur self tht it wont mak u sick or ill cos its jsut food n its medicine n will help u get betta. hunni if u expect it to mak u feel bad it will. n if if u dont expect it to it still cud but hunni u will soon get used to it, ur body will probs b plzd to get some food for breaky.

hunni u can use tht fact tht its ur biggest worry to ur advantage cos once uve ovacome it ull no tht thts the biggest problem out the way so the others will b easier.

hunni they still expect u to eat cos they need u too to get betta. hunni ur lucky is bein incresed graudually, i went from my ana eatin of hardly anyfin to a meal plan of 3 meals n 6 snacks n i cudnt cope, i was puttin on so much n s/hed a lot for it. luckily after 3 days on it God healed me n i was able to eat it fine.

hunni the reason they seem to b ignorin u is cos firstly they csnt do anyfin abt it n also they probs fink its jsut ana puttin up a fite n they rnt allowed to giv in to her. but hunni i understand how u feel

hunni im sorri but theonly advice i can giv is to pray for God to help u. unfortunatly ur gunnahav to eat  n accept tht it will tak tym for u to get used to it.

hunni ur welcome to come n ramble n rant anytym u need it n ur not borin me, u deserve the help forom ppl on here, i no how hard this is. hunni u need to pray tht God will help u n comfort u thru this n ill pray too.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

thanks,

I just finding everything so hard to handle. I want to get better, but I can't help listening to the voice and the thoughts and the feelings. On one hand I want to fight, stay strong, get my life back etc. But on the other hand I don't. But I will try my hardest to block out the badness. But it seems to seep through everyhing. I will pray to God.

Dani- I hope your baptism went amazingly today and brought you closer to God. When/if I get better I would love to be bapised too. Let me know how it went :)

xxxxAimiexxxx

Hi,

How is everyone?

I'm sorry that you have got to eat something in the morning. Just think that it will help you to get better and it will give you energy for the rest of the day.

I'm really pleased that you might get to be able to go to church today. If you did go, how did it go? I hope you had a nice time. You deserve to go after all the hard work you are putting in *hugs*

take care,

-xxx- lillies

heya hunni,

hunni i no u want to do as ur spose to n i no how hard tht is wen ur in this postion, ive bin there but hunni u hav to keep fittin n i promise tht one day it will get easier for u.

hunni i no its so so hard to not listen to those thoughts  feelins but hunni remember tht nothin u fink or feel is true hunni its all one massive lie out to distroy ur life n hunni u cant let tht happen. wen u hav a thought.feelin from ana say u no its a lie n u dont believe it n ur no tht opposite is the truth.

hunni the real u is the part tht wants ur life bak n thte part wantin to giv in is ana herself hunni i hope the real u is stronger. prayin is a great idea, always remeber God hears n will answer if it is the rite tym. im prayin lots too

did u get to go to church yesterday? anyway yeah my baptism went reali well, i luvd it, it was lyk so kl . it has n will bring me closer to God its jsut hard to feel it atm cos satan is tryin to mak fings hard cos he doesnt lyk the fact ive jsut got baptised. n i hav bin reali depresssed since last nite n i comfort ate a lot today which makes me feel fat n now i wanna s/h but im tryin not to. but it is worth it n im so glad i did it, it is seriously one of the best feelin ive eva had, it was awesome . hunni u will get betta n u will no wen the tym is rite for baptism, u will get there hunni. if there is anyfin else u wud lyk to no abt it id b happy to help

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hello,

I think I'm being controlled by the anorexia. It's awful. All my choices, and everything I do, the anorexia seems to have so much influence over it. It is  controlling me. And I let it. Because I can't bear not to. People, like my mum say well what's the worst that could happen if you ate something extra. I never have an answer to this because I don't know. I don't want to know. If I stop it controlling me then what is the worst that could happen? I'm scared of that. Because I'm scared that there will be a really bad consequence. I do want to be in control over my thoughts and my actions. But I can't. Why does the anorexia have to be in contol. I can't even describe it.

Any advice on how to deal with this? I thought I was in control but I'm not. I'm still counting calories, and still want to be really thin. I can't always see how everyone else sees me. Why does the anorexia do this to me?

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

hunni unfortunatly i cant help u much wiv this n its somefin i always struggled wiv but hunni u can do it, my advice remember its all lies, go agenst it the more u disobey it the weakr it gets n also pray loads n loads.

hunni i no how hard it is to just leit it n it always seems the easy way out but its not cos it jsut gets stronger n then its even harder. hunni honestly the worst thts gunna happen if u eat extra u tht ana will say ur fat n hunni its a lie anyway. u need to fink wots the worst tht cud happen if i do do as ana says n my honest n realistic answer is tht u will die. hunni which i worse, bein told a lie or stravin urself to death.

hunni i promise there isnt a bad consequence for disobeyin ana but there r lots from obeyin her. hunni i no how bad u want to b incontrol n i no tht its so so hard but hunni u jsut hav to fite, b a rebal n disobey ana, n pray lots cos God will help u.

hunni do u ha anyone u can fone/txt wen it gets hard, to u hav contact wiv any church leaders u feel comfortable talkin to or jsut a friend/ family member or even a proffessional anyone? i no it helps me

hunni i no u still want to b thin so do i n then i hav to remind yslef i m thin even wen it doesnt feel lyk it. im comfort eatin a lot atm n its not normally healthy stuff which makes me feel guilty n fat but i try to remember tht i am thin. hunni ur ED will neva let u fink ur thin not evenif u were diein. the only way to b thin is to eat n get rid of this ED n thtn n only then u will b thin. hunni honestly the more u giv in the stronger it gets n tht fatter u become, hunni fink abt it wen u started this did u feel thtis fat?

hunni ask other ppl how they c u to remind urself how thin n beautiful u reali r. hunni ana wont let u c it cos then u wudnt mind eatin n then shed lose her hold on u hunni she is jsut fittin to remain in control n hunni rememebr the other day wen u sed ud fite bak harder its wot u need to do now n wen u feel lyk u cant pray n ask the holy spirit to help u.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

You're right danielle. If I really think about it hard and try to push ana away, I see that there is nothing she can do to me if I disobey her. Well, nothing as bad as her killing me if I do obey her. And I feel if I can beat her. Then she can't hurt anyone else. But if I let her defeat me. If I lose control and she kills me, then she can move onto someone else. That's how I feel anyway. So I have to beat her in order to keep her from hurting anyone else. And I imagine how sad my mum and sister would be if I died, and all my friends, and even you guys. Everyone who knows me would have a piece of them missing if I died. So I can't. I won't die. I have to do this. Even if it's hard.

Danielle, you're right again! If I think back to ages ago. I didn't see or feel as fat. And before the anorexia I was happy, healthy, I could eat and eat and eat and not put on weight. I have a really petite build. I look back in photos. I don't look ill, I can't see all my bones. Well I can see some of them, because I still look skinny, but it doesn't make me look ill and sick. It makes me look like I've got a fabulous figure. And ana has ruined that. From what other people say I look very pale, ill, and too skinny.

xxxxAimiexxxx