This is going to sound daft!

Hun, you don't sound daft at all!

You are so brave to face up to those bullies.

Maybe you don't have to eat all of the 3 courses. You could just eat 1 or 2 of them. That way the bullies haven't won because they will see you fighting this illness.

Also you could sit with the people that you trust the most. You will probably be on tables so that might make things easier, as then not everybody will be able to see you. Also ana may make you believe that everyone is watching you but it may not actually be the case. People might be wrapped up in themselves and having a good time, and so may not be so watchful as you think. Also you might be surprised and they will be pleased to see you...probably looking more healthy!

Maybe you could just think to yourself that you are gonna be strong. You are gonna show these bullies that they have not won! I think that by you just showing up to the prom will prove to them that they have not made you a weak person. 

Have you brought your dress yet? If you have what colour is it? Enjoy yourself hun, let me no how it goes! GOOD LUCK!

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

it doesn't sound daft at all!

you're so brave for deciding to go, it's really amazing! they are not going to think you're a failure at all, if you do find it difficult then they will recognise that you're going through a tough time and shouldn't judge you for it, they should respect how far you've come!

maybe you could prepare yourself for the meal somehow and find a way to push aside the fear just for that night to show everyone how well you're doing and how strong you are. that's really vague sorry! but if you ever need any support i'm right here :)

take care xox 

Thanks so much for your message of support its really lifted me.

Yeah I got my dress its black and white colour. Its lovely.I just need to get my shoes.

My friends said they are going to look out for me so thats a relief I suppose.I have never been this brave before but I feel in order to move on I will have to do this.

I know they cant hurt me while I am there. I am really going to go there and show them me. I might do as you suggest though and just see about having one or two courses. I know the first one is soup I think then vegitarian lasagne and then cake or ice cream I think so I might just see what I can manage.Eating any of that will show them that I have improved.

Thanks roxy!

Thanks for your lovely message of support.

I know what u mean about pushing fear aside for one night i guess i just got to prepare myself.

The people there were not that nice to me and physically and mentally bullied me so thats why it means so much to me to prove myslef to them so I can have closure I guess.

Thanks again!

Jenny

thats ok!

ooohh, your dress sounds nice. Its gonna be such a hardship going shoe shopping!!  (shopping is my favourite thing in the whole world!)

Its good that your friends are gonna look out for you, that will make things easier im sure. And as you said nothing can happen to you while you are there, just stay positive with it all and show them the great person you have become!

The thing is obviously in the ideal world, you would want to go there and eat all three courses but what i have learnt is not everything can be perfect. You don't want to push yourself too much, and you need to think how far you have come from the last time you saw those horrible bullies. The courses sound ok, particulary the soup and just eat what you can manage. What ever you eat you should be so proud of yourself!

Just hold your head up high and remember you have done nothing wrong. They are the ones who should feel ashamed NOT you! Please just have a good time and show them!!

Hope your ok

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Thanks I am gonna do just that!

Thanks again for your support.

How are you?

Jenny

Please do, your worth so much more than those bullies!

Im not too good to be honest...

Just there doesn't seem to be a way out of it all, you know? Wish i could just have a day off from it, oh that would be so good! O well i dont wanna depress you, hope your still doing ok

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

I am sorry to hear you are not doing so well.

I totally understand what u mean its always in your mind and it VERY tiring.

Dont be daft your not deppresing me you helped me and I want to do the same for you.

Thanks for all your support!

Let me know how ur doing!

Love Jennyxxx

Thanks...

I went through a really bad patch a couple of days ago but i am feeling a little bit better now. I'm back at school now so i like having a routine back, although it does mean im not eating lunch anymore, so i suppose thats not good.

Hope your ok too,

Love Roxy

P.s. Have you got your shoes for your prom yet?

Glad to hear your getting a little better but I know what u mean about the lunch thing I was the same.

Yeah I got my shoes now they are lovely there are black and siver they are great.

I am quite nervous though but its something I feel I have to do in order to move on you know?

have u ever been to a prom?

Jennyx

Ooo, your shoes sound lovely! I bet your gonna look gorgeous , are you taking anyone?

Yer i went to my year 11 prom last year, mine was terrible though. This was mainly because i fell out with one of my best friends a few weeks before and it was really awkward...but im sure yours will be fine.

I totally no what you mean about it is something you have to do to move on, and i think your such a strong person to go. I personally think it is important for you to do because even though it may feel hard at the time you will be so proud of yourself after! And you should be proud of yourself, and im proud of you too! (wow thats alot of prouds!!)

Hope your ok hun,

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Hey Roxy!

How are you?

Sorry its taken me a few days to reply been a bit off!

Thanks so much for your support.I love my shoes and dress and I am getting my hair and makeup done too.

I am sorry to hear that your prom was horrible but I bet u were proud of yourself too! Are you and your friend friends again?

I am really really nervous about going now but I am just trying my hardest to keep calm.

I went into ashton the other day and there was a girl there pointing at me and saying to her mum its that girl with anorexia.It hurts but you know I am going to show them.

I am not taking anyone no. I would have asked if my really good friend to come. I thought that we might have developed into a relationship but I found out that he likes this other girl and that hit hard.I started risticting my diet again hense why I have not been too good.But getting back on track now!

You should be really proud of yourself too your a wonderful person too!!!!!!!

Hope your ok hun,

Love Jennyxxxx

Hi Jenny,

Don't worry, it is very hard to reply when your not feeling too good. I find i just can't think what to say no matter how hard i try!

It must have been very hard for you to take that girl pointing at you. I wish people would just mind their own business and just let you get on with it, it makes it so much harder when people comment like that. But i think people just do it out of not understanding this illness, i don't think they always mean to be horrible.

No, unfortunately i am not friends with her again but i suppose i just have to move on. But yer your right i was proud of myself for going, i wasn't going to let her stop me. Everyone has just as much right to go as everybody else, so i just went and ignored her. I cant deny it was hard but i believe i am a stronger person now, and i no i can face her and not feel ashamed of who i am!

Hun your worth a trillion times more than any boy! Please don't let him make you go backwards in recovery. At least you still have him as a friend so try and think on the bright side. I think relationships are too complicated and guys are too much hassle! I didn't take anyone to prom and it wasn't as bad as i thought. Everyone just mingles and they don't really stay as couples. Plus you'll be single so you can keep an eye out for anyone else that takes your fancy!

I really really hope your ok and that you are able to get back on top of things,

Take care,

Love Roxy xxxxxxxxx

Hi Roxy!

Thanks so much for your support.

I am a bit better now but I am still hurting so much. I just want to get over him. But your right.I just feel like I want him so much and I have never felt like this before and the only way to control this is by not eating and I just feel torn.However like you say its just getting over this and moving on.Everything happens for a reason right? I looked round my new collage the other day it looks nice and I am going to train to be a nurse.

I am getting back on track now with my eating its just my emotions that arn't.

Anyway hun how are you?

Thanks so much you are really helping me recover and keep strong its so nice talking to someone who understands!

I am so sorry your not friends with that friend again but to be honest hun you desurve better friends than that!

Have u been doing anything nice?

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hun, it is so hard with guys and that and i don't think they realise the effect they have on us girls! But think of it like this - controlling your eating will not get him back. Please don't harm yourself for a boy, it may seem like he's worth it but he really isn't. Somewhere out there will be the perfect guy for you, it may take a while to find him but you will. You've got your whole life ahead of you to find someone, but you need to be healthy and happy first. So concentrate on getting yourself better and then everything else will follow!

I am glad you are getting yourself back on track with your eating and this will give you so much more confidence for your prom. Your emotions will slot back into place in a while, you just got to give them time to adjust to everything and then they will be better.

Im not too good tbh, i am feeling so so down and nothing seems to be going right  o well. I am doing nothing nice atm, just waiting for my next appointment the whole time. Thats my life just waiting around while things get worse.

Anyway, sorry for the negativity, i hope your ok, i hope your feeling better about this boy,

Take Care,

Love Roxy xxxxxxxxxx

Hey,I am so sorry you are not feeling good babe is there anything that I can help you with or if there is anything you want to talk about just tell me.

You have been so much support to me that I I want to help you.

I know totally how you feel about waiting.I stayed in for nearly 3 months while nurses came to my house I was almost on bed rest.It was horrible.But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know it does'nt feel like this right now but trust me.

Thanks so much for your support I cant tell you how much it means to me to have someone I can be totally honest too.I am getting back there with the eating.I had a slight problem but now i can get back to my regualr diet plan thankgoodness.

As far as the boy I am still really hurting.I hope you dont think I am pathetic.He keeps like giving me signals and he tells me he does'nt like this other girl.We had a great time the other day we had a soil fight and we were just genurally had a laugh.I spend ages on MSN chatting to him and stuff and it really just messes with my head.I dont know if he truly understands how I feel.He says nice stuff to me all the time and it just messes me up cos I dont know how he feels anymore but am too shy to do anything.Do u know what I should do? I hope you dont think I am daft! I should'nt be offloading my problems onto you when you got your own! But apart from that I am good.

Please let me know how your doing!

Hope your doing ok!

Stay Strong,

Jennyxxxxx

Hun, i don't think your daft or patheitc at all!

Seriously i no exactly what it is like to be hung up over a boy. They have some strange hold over you that you think can never be broken, but it will. Guys have a habit of giving out mixed signals and it is really hard to work out how they truely feel.

I no this is the last thing you want me to say to you, but i think the best way to sort it out is to talk to him about it. It will be so hard for you but then, what ever the answer you will be able to get on with your life. Perhaps if you don't want to do it face to face you could do it over msn, and just ask him straight....'do you like me?' I don't no whether he know's what you are going through, but if he does im sure he will understand how his mixed signals are not helping things.

If he says 'no' then you will probably be heart broken, but at least you will no. Asking him whether he likes you will not change how he feels about you so it might be better just to get a straight answer. And if he says 'yes' it will be great and you can move on with him, together.

Hun, it honestly feels so good to talk to someone else about their problems, and being totally selfish it gets my mind of my own! Things really arn't very good, i am at a very low point and i hope things pick up soon. I saw my CPN today and i just feel like i a letting everyone down because i am not changing at all. Things are actually getting worse. It feels like i am being controlled by someone outside of my own body and i can't stop them from dragging me down and killing me. I feel totally helpless.

Anyway, how are you today? let me no how you get on

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Hey,

Thanks so much for your advice.

I know you are right and over MSN will proberly be better and I guess it is better to know for sure.I just don't want to look like an idiot but I guess I can't carry on like this. I see him around my school and my heart punds out of my chest and I dont feel he really knows how I feel because I am always hiding my feelings for him because I dont want to look daft.I am pretty sure he does'nt know how I feel. When I heard he liked his girl through friends I felt distraught and knew I had to do something.But I know your right I have to sought this out I have never ever felt this strongly for someone before and its scary. I have told him I was anorexic and he was really nice about it.He was not bothered and says I am amazing.He has had depression too so knows how it feels to be low.Oh well I will just have to sought it once and for all.

Hun,u must not feel bad its not your fault at all the way you are feeling.You are not letting anyone down I am sure you are doing your best and eating disorders are VERY VERY powerful and can take over a person.I know you are a great person and you sound really amazing but eating disorders take over people.I felt exactly the same I felt like there was two people in my body.I felt like there was me and anorexia.My counseller got me to name anorexia so I could separate the illness from myself.Life is a aconstant battle I know. But one day I just decided I could either fight this illness which is sooooooo hard but you can do it or I could surrender my self and cause my self soo much harm that could be unreparable.I think though that only when you feel ready will you be able to do this.For a long time I was just not ready and quite happy in my anorexia,staving world. But hun think are you truly happy and you sound like your not but I know that it is soo hard to fight and wish I could help you but you have to o it yourself and everyone is supporting you. I am not even fully recovererd now there are days when I will starve myself and some days i will eat it really does fluctuate and I still struggle every day with anorexia but I can see slowly I am making progress and hun you can do it.

Hun I am here whenever you need me,I am here every step of the way.You are worth SOOOOOOO much more than a life of an eating disorder.

I am ok today. Feel ok. I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Please let me know how you are,

Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I no that it is so hard to tell a boy how you feel out of fear of looking stupid, but hun you can't help who you like! You need to deal with the situation at hand and the only real way to get it sorted is to tell him how you feel. Maybe plan what you are going to say to him before you write it, so you can make sure you put it well. Also perhaps you could just start quite gently and say that you like him. Then see how he reacts and you can go from there. Make sure hun that you don't lose him as a friend though because they could make things worse, just think carefully what you are going to say to him, and im sure it will be fine! You never no the outcome of the conversation, you are obviously going to think the worse, and to be honest i think that is a good thing because at least then you are prepared for it, but it might go well. Either way at least you will be able to get on and look to the furture!

I think the problem i have atm, is that a greater part of me doesn't want to get better. I cannot tell you how unhappy i am, but i still don't want things to change. I dont really get it. Things are just getting worse for me. I have become dependent on laxatives, s/h, and the binge/purge cycle is happening so many times. I cannot actually think back to a day where i didn't binge. And the problem is, even though i am purging i am putting on weight and that is making me feel even worse, and so i binge again. I hate it, and cant get myself to stop. How long have you been suffering from ana from? God it feels like a lifetime for me

Sorry, im really not feeling great at the moment, but i hope your ok, keep in touch,

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Hiya,

Thanks for your message! Yeah I will have to sort it out with this boy and thanks so much for your advice I dont know what I would have done without you.I saw him today and have spoke several times to him but can never get the words out but I will think I will do what you say and think about what I am going to say.

I am so sorry to hear you are not good! When I was in the really really bad grips of anorexia I was deppressed too hun and did'nt want  to get better its weird how these eating disorders have a weird control over you. If I can help in anyway or chat about anything let me know.Even though we hve different eating disorders I still know just how your feeling right now and I wish I could help in some way! I have been suffering with anorexia for about 5 years but it really started to get a grip of me in the last 2 years and got worse from there.How long you had your eating disorder for?

I am getting better now and It feels great but its still really hard I feel like I am waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me.Felling good is not something I am used to.I suffer from OCD and Deppression too.

Wishing you the best hun,keep in touch.

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thats ok. Its good that you are talking to this boy, maybe just turn the conversation around to feelings and that and see what happens. I wish i could actually be there with you in person to support you, but you need to know that i will be there with you by mind. (weird i no, but i have been thinking about you alot - I support you completely and i just hope everything turns out for the best!) What ever you decide to do, i am right behind you, so dont ever think your alone

Well i have had my ED for about 2 maybe 3 years now. Its hard to put an exact time to it because it really did sneak up on me. I think i have had thoughts and that way before but i never really acted upon them, but in these last few years it has just got worse and worse and worse. I suppose that highlights how important it is to get help as soon as possible to stop the thoughts from developing into actions, or to stop the actions getting too serious.

To be honest i think that all ED's are the same, just they have different outcomes, if you get what i mean? They have such a hold over you. Even though our ED's have different names, i know we can undestand what each other is going through. I think it is great that we can come on here and have people truely understand about the hell we are in, cause well nobody in my life understands at all.

Omg, i no exactly what you mean about how feeling good is not something you are used to. Even when i am starting to feel good, i think hang on a second, something is not right and i kind of make myself down again. It is like i cant allow myself to feel happy. Do you no what i mean?

Yer i too suffer from depression and i s/h, but i dont think i have OCD. I think it is quite uncommon to find someone who is only suffering from an ED.

How are you doing today?

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Hiya,

Thanks so much Roxy your support means so much I wish you could be here too but I totally know what you mean and I am here to support you totally too! I leave my school on Friday so really have to tell him before I leave and I hope we can still meet up and stuff but I dont want to come across as desperate! I just feel very very stongly for him!

I totally understand what u mean about eating disorders creeping up on you. Mine started really when I started high school and I began resricting intake and then just gradually got worse really.

Yeah I know what u mean eating disorders are simualr just different ways of expressing themselves.What really frustrates me is that some people think eating disorders come from vanity and because you want to be like the latest celebs and thats rarely the case. I was totally unhappy with life and controling my food and exercise made me feel better even though I was deppressed.Bit confusing I know!

Nobody arounds me either understands I get really frustrated sometimes because people have so many reasons to why they think I am doing this and I feel like saying "you just dont understand" Its really hard u feel very alone.But this site is fantastic and has helped me so much!

Yeah definatly I understand it feels really odd to be happy but my phycotherapist says that it is quite normal to feel like this and that is does take quite a while to feel normal again.I am very slowly begining to accept that I can be happy but it is still VERY hard!

I did'nt know that it was uncommon for people just to have an ED.

I am good today thanks I went shopping this morning with my Mum and bought some really nice things so that has really cheered me up but I am a bit sad because I am leaving my school soon and scared about leaving this boy,having nothing to do,going to collage and just what might happen when I have nothing to do.Also got the Prom on wednesday so thats playing on my mind too. But apart from that I am good I got some nice things too look forward too.Do u like shopping?

Hun I hope you are ok today! Let me know how u are?

Do u know what u are doing in the summer?

 Stay strong,

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxx

I remember last year i was quite scared about leaving school and going to college but it wasn't as bad as i had thought. I was worried that i wouldn't no what to do over the looooong summer but to be honest it goes so quickly and you are always able to find something to do. Just try not to sit around the house and if you find yourself bored just get out of the house, even if its just to sit out in the park in the sunshine! (i remember i got into the habit of just sitting around the house and that just made everything worse)

No i haven't got anything planned for the summer but i might book a last minute holiday just to get away for a bit...i don't no who i would go with tho :-(

Im really not good today, haven't eaten and got home and mum has been food shopping, so that means lots of binge food. Just eaten loads and been sick so feel such a failure.  I hate myself so much, i cannot describe to you how much i hate myself. I just want to cry

Sorry hun, but i hope your ok.

Love Roxy xxxxx

Btw, please dont worry bout the prom and the boy, i no that everything will be fine. (sorry if this is short but i cant think of what to write, really sorry but i just can't think) xxxxxx

hello babes [:
noo you don't sound daft at all. i don't really know what you should do .. but i just wanted to say, even thoughh i don't know you, i'm really proud of you for standing up to the bullies.
Lots of love
NeonStarJunkie
xxxxxxxx

Hey Roxy!

I am so sorry to hear your not too good hun!

I now its hard to know what to say when you feel like rubbish but hun you are certainly not a faliure eating disorders are very crafty and its not your fault.

Thanks for your advice about holidays I think ur right that keeping busy is the key!

Thanks I hope everything is ok too!

I am fine today I am just a bit tired!

Hope your ok soon hun,

Please keep it touch,

Jennyxxxxxxx

Hey roxy!

U any better today?

I think u can tell by my post on the forum I have'nt had the best day today but getting there!

How are you hun?

Love Jennyxx

Hiya hun!

Thanks so much!

How are you?

Love Jennyxx

Hi Jenny,

I have just read your other post and i am so sorry that you are feeling down at the moment. Please remember though that it is usual to have good days and bad days in recovery so therefore i do not think you are going backwards at all! It is understandable that you are feeling down because of your prom tomorrow but it is important that you realise that this is the reason you are feeling bad today. You are likely to be feeling very worried and stressed about your prom and so this is being converted into you having a low mood and feeling fustrated with life. You are not going backwards, if you believe this then you will...but i no that you are strong enough to carry on moving forwards. The ED is trying to take control again but you are not going to let it are you?

I wish i could make this boy understand that you like him but i suppose that life is not that easy. At least you still have him as a friend, i no it is not the same but at least it is something. Yes things could be alot better between you and him, but at least they are not any worse. I no that you can only see the negatives but please just try and stay positive about this situation.

GOOD LUCK for the prom tomorrow, i will be thinking of you, i promise i will! I no i have said this before but you do not have to eat all three courses, even eating one of them will show everybody how far you have come. You are not letting anyone down. Just go and knock them dead with how gorgeous you will be looking and keep you chin up. You may not have got this boy but at least you still have your life, one that is becoming successful and happy! Don't give up, please, i am always here for you.

Let me no how it goes

Lots of love Roxy xxxxxxxxx *hugs*

Hiya Roxy!

Thanks for your message! Yeah I am just going to manage what I can and overcoming what I have been through is enough you are right.I am just an all or nothing kind of person u know what I mean? I have been thinking LOADS about you too how are you doing? I was worried cos the other day you were quite low!

I wish you could make this boy know too he really does'nt know and I feel that until he knows I can leave it alone.I really cant tell him but I am trying to drop hints.Maybe I could get a friend to talk to him and see what he thinks of me? I really wish you were here to help me with it cos I trust you.

No I'm not gonna let my ED control me again I have worked too hard for this to take over me again but its hard as I am sure you know!

Gonna get a good nights sleep tonight and wake up again feeling hopefully better.

We are going to Ashton this weeked me and this boy which I am looking forward too I just wish he knew.U must be sick of me going on about this lol!

Hope your ok Hun,

Let me know how u are,

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

soz i meant cant leave it alone -my head messed up tonight lol! (paragraph 2)

Hope ur ok hun!!!!

xxxxx

hey,

Im so sorry i haven't replied but we had a problem with the interent. I have been thinking about you and i really hope you did not think that i had left you. I really am sorry, i have been able to read your posts but i havn't been able to reply to them, it has nearly killed me. I can't believe how much i have come to rely on you all.

How did your prom go? Are you pleased that it is over now, and how is everything with this boy? i have so many things to ask you and to catch up on! Please let me know whats been happening with you.

I love your attitude about the whole ED and control thing....you go girl! I know that you are going to overcome this once and for all and you are not going to look backwards once you have recovered fully!

I am not sick at all about you talking about this boy, i just really hope it all turns out ok.

I am ok at the moment, i have been better i have been worse. Just really tired, not been sleeping well at the moment. Plus i have put on so much weight and i feel so disgusting. And now i am nearly 'overweight'  cause i have been binging so much. But i can't stop myself.

I really hope your ok,

Lots of love Roxy xxxxxxx

Hey Roxy,

I am so pleased to hear from you hun I have been so worried ! I have been thinking about you loads wishing I could check u were ok but glad u are! But I know u would'nt just ignore me hun I know that! The interenet is daft sometimes!

I am glad things are ok for you but I know what its like to not sleep its a total pain!!! I am so sorry you feel discusting at the moment nobody dererves to feel this way! U are an amazing person and have been amazing support to me and many others on BEAT and I have got a feeling that everything is going to work out for you in the end cos I can see your such a deturmind person.

Thankyou for the complement I hope so too I have worked really really hard on getting this far and I have got some great people in my life now and I need to move away from my ED even though its hard at times!

I hope you dont think I am a failure but I did'nt go to the prom when It came down to the crunch my parents said "Jenny u dont have to do this" and I just thought I am a really scared so going to give it a miss! However the day after it was the leavers breakfast where everyone went in in there school uniform for breakfast so after failing the prom I decided to do this!Just putting on the uniform was scary it reminded me of the bullying!I was supposed to be meeting my friend outside but she was late and then I saw one of the bullys so I hid behind the bus shelter!When I finally made my way in everyone just stared at me and did'nt say anything after 20 minutes I could'nt do more even though my friend had turned up so I left.I ran outside and started crying desperatly trying to get home but my taxi was'nt coming for half and hour and I really wanted to get home so I tryed walking but it was too far I was really really scared but lucky one of my friends dads found me and took me home! That was the only really bad part of my week really! My eating went a little down but I have had the flu and stress does'nt help! My parents have been getting on my back again but they dont seem to realise that I want to stay better!

As far as the boy is concerned things have gone great this week.We went out on Saturday  we had a great Laugh we stayed out for 4 hours and honestly Roxy I have never laughed so much!!!!! We had an amazing time and I am going out with him on Tuesday and next weekend too and we are even planning a trip to manchester!He wrote in my leavers book this "jenny,I am so glad I met u I think it was by fate! U are a real good laugh and so much fun and I know that your collage will be a better place with you in it" It really made me warm by what he had said! I am trying not to get my hopes up and just play things cool!

Still got the flu a bit at the moment though lol!!!I will let u know how tomorrow goes!I have got an appontment with my dr tomorrow too as well!!!!!

How are you hun?

Hope you are ok!

Sorry for the long ramble just so much to tell u lol!!

Loads of Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Jenny, you have made me so happy and have brought a huge smile to my face!

I am so pleased for you about this boy! It sounds like you had a great time and you really deserve it. Arhh what he wrote in your leavers book is so sweet. He does sound nice, and he seems to treat you well so its good. I cannot tell you how much i want this to work for you. I think it would really give you a boost and help you so much. I like your whole 'playing things cool' i think that is a good idea, just incase, i mean you really don't want to get your hopes up to be let down again.

I do not think you are a failure at all, if anything i think you are stronger because you managed to go to the breakfast. That was an amazing thing to do and i am so proud of you. It must have been very hard for you, and i know it didn't go very well but at least you went and you tried. Hun those bullies are so pathetic and small people and they do not deserve to be in your life. I wish i could have been with you when you were crying, just to comfort you and show you how big your achievment was. I think people just stare out of curiosity, they don't realise how much it can affect a person.

Just think though, when you go to college it will be a fresh start. New friends, new teachers, new lessons. I think it will be good for you, you can put everything behind you and move on with your life.

Im still ok. I feel really s*** today though. Eating has increased, weight has increased, cutting has increased, laxatives have increased! so yer, everythings going great

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow as well. For some reason i am really nervous about it. I suppose its because i always feel so down once i have seen somebody as they always seem to highlight how much further i still need to go. Good luck with your appointment though!

I'm so pleased i can talk to you again, im so sorry i made you worried about me, i swear i dont no what i would do if the interent went down again. I was so desperate to try and let you know i was ok but there was nothing i could do, anyway its all ok now. I promise if i was ever to leave you, i would let you know. I really care about you so i really will try not to.

Thank you for making me feel happy,

Lots of love Roxy xxxxxxxxx

P.s i hope the flu gets better!

Ah hun I am glad I made u smile!!! Its so nice how u are pleased for me I cant tell u how nice that is!

Ah its not ur fault the internet went down I am just happy u are ok! I really care about u too!!!

Thankyou for making me feel about the breakfast and prom thing you made me feel so much better but although that upset me none of it really seemed to matter when I was out with the boy! He says how special and how I am so strong! I really want this to work too but I think it is a case of taking things slowly and seeing how things go! I read somewhere that relationships are more likely to be succseful if the partners start off as friends and if it does'nt work out I will be heartbroken but I guess I will just have to get over it I suppose!

I am so sorry your not feeling good! Please let me know how your appontment with ur CPN goes! I wish you all the best with it and u know you can always talk to me if u need to chat about anything and I will always do my best to help u! I know u feel that you have a long way to go hun but honeslty I do believe you can do it and u have to start somewhere and when u get out of this dreadful cycle you will be an amazingly strong person!! Do u think that since seeing your CPN you have improved?

Thanks I hope the flu gets better too but I am feeling a bit better already!

Thanks for the reply and I am glad I made u happy,

Loads of Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxx

PS:GOOD LUCK!

I'm glad you made me happy too!

Yer, i too have heard that relationships work better when you are friends first. I think its because you can build a relationship on a friendship better as you know more about each other, etc.

I know that i can chat to you about anything and i am so grateful for that! I feel so alone at school but when i come on here i don't feel alone anymore. I love this site  !!

To be honest i really don't no whether i have improved. I don't think i have at all, but i suppose i am being sick slightly less but thats mainly because of my parents. I feel that my thoughts have got even more fixed since seeing her. She is trying to change my thoughts, but i am becoming really resistant to change.

I feel really bad on them, because i think they are getting really fed up with me. I was saying to butterflies that i think i should just stop the help so they don't have to put up with me anymore, it would be alot easier and then i wouldn't be letting anyone down. You should have seen my GP's face when she found out that i had O/D. It sent a chill down my spine and i just felt so dissapointed with myself, i have let them down.

Anyway i just hope things get better soon. Im glad your flu has got a bit better already. Typical, getting the flu in the summer!!

Lots of love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Hun,Please dont stop the treatment I spent ages battling against my DR's too but I promice one day everything will become clear and I know it does'nt sound like much now but things I promice will sort themselves out hun! Its the DR's job to look after you I am sure that they are not frusrated with u they proberly just dont like seeing that you are so upset!

 Please stay strong!!!!! I know just how ur feeling right now and it really makes me upset to know u are feeling like this I wish there was something I could do to make it better but just give it time and stay strong!

I had a great night tonight with the lad we walked my dog and they we just like went and sat on a field and listened to music! I cant tell u just how great I feel right now! We were out for like 2 hours and are meeting up again soon! My flu is a bit better now thanks although I have passed it on to him lol!!!

Hun,Please stay strong and I hope you are ok!!!

Loads of Love Jennyxxxxxx

Lol, im so pleased for you. I'm so glad that you are coming out the other end of this nightmare.

I no i need to stop resisting treatment but i just cant. I just sit there with my CPN nodding in agreement but inside im just like 'what ever!' I cannot allow myself to give this up, no matter how much it is hurting me i can't leave it behind. Im sure you've been there too, but i just hope that i can have a happy life like yours without this. I can't see it happening though

Please don't be upset about how i am feeling, im just really sorry to be putting a dampener on your life.

Oh, how did your appointment go at the doctors the other day?

I hope you have continued good luck with the guy!!

Lots of love

Roxy xxxxxxxxxx

Hey Roxy,

Course you did'nt dampen my day! I know your gonna be alright hun your an amazingly strong person and I cant wait for the day when you see that! Its all gonna work out and I know u want to get better its just your ED holding u back! I thought life without my ED would be misrable and horrid but hun its 10 times better and u trust me dont u so please believe me!But hun be honest with yourself are you happy right now???????????

My appontment went well thankyou just the usual but it was good.Yeah my good luck is still going thankyou no more news as yet but seeing him this weekend!Will let u know how it goes.

Let me know how u are,

Jennyxxxxxx

Hun, of course i trust you, and i totally believe what you are saying i just can't relate it to me, if you get what i mean?

I have had an ok day today, i spoke with a friend at school (someone who i don't hang round with) and she made me feel alot better about things. Even though she doesn't no everything....and having said that i cant decide whether to tell her or not. I trust her, just its like more people knowing and more eyes watching me and pitying me. Im confused about life! 

Im babysitting tonight, i really can't be bothered but i suppose its money.

Sorry i don't really know what else to write,

Hope you are ok, and deff let me no what happens with the guy

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Hey Roxy,

Course I know what u mean! I trust you too! I know its hard honestly I do and I am so sorry you are struggling but i am ALWAYS here for you and really love chatting to you! Glad u had an ok day today! As far as telling your friend its up to you.When my school got told I got a lot of people feeling sorry for me which I did'nt like but I also got a lot of support too.But if u trust her then its up to you.Ed's are nothing to be ashamed of people people react differently to when you tell them! Let me know what u decide!

Hope baby sitting goes ok!

I am ok a little fed up today but I am sure I will be back on form tomorrow I have days like this sometimes.I feel fat and fed up and had a little disagreement with the guy but I am sure its nothing but when I dont feel right I blow things out of proportion and little things seem massive.I am sure it will be ok and I am seeing him at weekend and I am a meeting his parents which I am nervous about cos even though we are not going out his parents think we are. I think this weekend could make us cos we will have to stick together. If I am talking a load of rubbish tell me but my head isn't with it lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am also planning to go for another walk and to manchester with him soon as well.I just hope are litle disagreement was nothing serious I am sure it was'nt!!!!!

Hope your ok hun,

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey roxy,

Just had to fill you in on what has been happening!

Last night I had a little diagreement with the lad but we made friends again and I was talking about how everyone at out school thinks we are going out and how this has happened.He said it was because he told everyone that we go shopping and things and they got the wrong end of the stick.He then went on to say " you would'nt go out with me anyway" so I said " u dont know that" but I dont think he believed me. He then said "but we are just friends arn't we jenny so just ignore them" so I went "I only thought we were just friends yeah" and he went " Yeah we are just friends" and we left it at that.My head is so muddled and yours is proberly too lol.But he has been texting me today as he is away and I am going to his house tomorrow! I just wonder does he really like me or not?? I am hoping that over the next few days I will find out. I sit here thinking about him most of the time and yet he has no idea.I wish the rumours were true and we were together and u are the only person who I am totally honest about my feelings for him and I needed to talk to you.I have been playing this sinaro in my head all night and day and we are getting closer its so hard when u want something and its so close to you but you feel u cant have it.Do u understand? When I am around him I just play things really cool and I am really nice but these feelings I am feeling seem to be pushed back cos I dont want to make a fool of myself! Roxy,I am so messed up!!!

Apart from that I went shopping today with my friends round ashton it was Lovely even though my mind was preoccupied on him! We had a Lovely time! I have let myself down food wise today though really bad and I know its wrong! My dad is trying to take control of my life again and he cant seem to realise his little girl is growing up!!!!

So sorry for going on but I needed to talk to you and I hope your ok! Please let me know how u are and how ur babysitting went?????

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey, im really sorry i didn't get back to you yesterday, just it was a really busy day for me and i didnt have a chance.

Hunni, i completely understand how you are feeling. I know it must be very hard for you cause you don't really know where you stand with him. Your not messed up at all....you just a little confused and that happens to everyone at some point (particulary when guys are involved!!)

Im pleased that you sorted out your little disagreement, but remember these sort of things happen with all friendships/relationships so try not to worry about it too much.

Ok, from what i can see and from what you have told me, im gonna say that i think he does like you, but that he is scared of you rejecting him. Maybe he doesn't want to risk ruining your friendship by taking things further into a relationship. It seems like he was trying to turn the conversation round into feelings etc and maybe he was trying to test the water with you and see how you reacted.

Hun, you are not going to make a fool out of yourself if you tell him how you feel. He does seem really nice and understanding and i honestly think he feels the same as you. And if he doesn't the worst that could happen is that you would just stay as friends. Yer it may be a little embarrasing but at least you will know.

As you said i think this weekend will be the decider with you both! If the converstation like you had the other day comes up again, please tell him how you feel. You did so well with what you said before, but maybe try and go just that step further. I honestly think he likes you. If all the people at your school think your going out then there must be something special between you both. There must be a connection that everyone can see otherwise they wouldn't say it.

Im really sorry if i have got the wrong impression with it all and have got your hopes up, cause the whole situation is quite confusing!!!

Try not to worry about having one bad day food wise. It is just one day out of so many, you just need to try and get back on track today. Is there anyway you could talk to your dad about how he is making you feel?

It means so much to me that you trust me enough to tell me truely how you are feeling. Things really arn't going well for me with friends at the moment, and it means alot that someone trusts me.

Babysitting went so badly. It was so stressful and they wound me up so much. I don't have alot of patience at the moment, and i was so tired that evening and i really didn't feel like looking after them. But obviously i had to go, and they just upset me so much. I mean why can't they just go to sleep at night time?? When i had put them to bed i just sat downstairs and cried. Its pathetic i no, but i can't even look after children thats how useless i am.

I think i am seeing my friend tonight. I still can't decide whether to tell her. I might just see where the convo goes, but i will probably end up telling her cause things always just slip out of my mouth when i get emotional.

GOOD LUCK with the guy hun, please let me know how it goes. I so wish i could talk to you in person, but i suppose this will have to do.

I really do wish you tonnes of luck for today!!

Lots of love Roxy xxxxxxxxxx

Hey,

Firstly you are not pathetic at all!!!! Looking after kids is really stressful I know all about that.I wish I could have been there when u were upset to support u!

I am sorry things with your friends are not going too good at the minute but you have ALWAYS got a friend in me! I think if u trust your friend u should tell her but its up to you!!!

On another bad day with food today I dont know whats going on.Its not cos I want to be skinny or loose weight anymore I just dont want to eat!It makes me feel better by not eating. Its like a way of dealing with all my emotions at the minute.I dont know I am so confused.

I know I go on about him but Roxy my heart hurts that much! I know why they say " Love sickness " now .It really does hurt! Have u ever felt like this?

I saw him today and I just dont think he feels the same and now I sit here with mascara streaming down my face and I feel without him I cant carry on! Staying strong is hard.Maybe I just need to make my feelings known and then accept the answer and move on!Easier said than done lol! I am seeing him again tomorrow so we will see tomorrow when we are away from his sister! I just need a hug of someone and someone to tell me its ok and I wish that could be him! Oh he is like a blessing but at the same time a curse! I just so wish it could work! I bet I sound pathetic like some girl wining after a lad but its not like that.

I hope your ok hun and sorry I am not much help today! Please stay strong and I am always always here for u!

Let me know how u are,

Love Jennyxxx

In a way its kind of funny, cause the kids had know idea what effect they were having on me. They were just messing around as kids do, and i couldn't handle it. I should have been able to though cause apparantly im good with kids

I didn't tell my friend in the end. I was going to but backed out at the last minute. Im sort of glad now though cause i suppose i wasn't 100% sure about telling her in the first place. Maybe i still will...we will have to wait and see.

It means alot that you actually want to be my friend, that is very unusual!

I don't think i have ever had love sickness as bad as you, but i did have a boyfriend once who i really really like (it wasn't quite love!) but then we split up because we didn't have the time to see each other. I still think about him now and this relationship was 2 years ago! So yer i kind of know how much it hurts to really like someone...or love someone?

Hun, no matter what happens, you can carry on without him. You have lived without him for what about 16 years? and you can continue your life without him. It may be a little hard at first to get used to, but you can do it. Think how much you have overcome already!

Only he knows at the moment how he feels about you, so you have got to go to him to get that answer. It will be hard, but i will always be here for you what ever happens.

Im ok today, i have already written this to butterflies but i thought i would tell you as well. I saw my GP today and i lied to her saying that i felt btter when i actually dont. I just wanted them to relax around me a bit more and not be so worried that i was gonna o/d the whole time. I know its bad because now it has given me more of an opportunity but i couldn't stop the words 'im fine' coming out.

I hope your ok to, good luck tomorrow

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Hey hun,

I am sorry to hear you lied to your Gp you know that u should have told the truth but these stupid eating disorders are hard I know! Hun I would really advise u to be honest!

Its totally your choice whether you wanted to tell your friend and its really good that your thinking about whether this is the right thing to do.

I am sure you are really really good with kids but you have a lot on your plate at the minute and when we are stressed we struggle to deal with things its only natural!

Your friendship means a great deal to me hun and I am sure loads of people want to be your friend.

I am feeling pretty good today I am sorry my last few messages have been quite low I am not normally like that! I am sure I will be fine just need to stay strong!!

I hope you feel better soon,

Love Jennyxxxxx

Hey,

I don't think your last posts have been negative, particularly compared to what i write to you! Im so glad your feeling better though

Jenny i have really messed up, on chat tonight we were talking and i said that the conversation was upseting me and then they all started to blame themselves and now i feel so bad and guilty. I should have known before i wrote it that it might affect them, but i just didnt think. I am such an idiot, i hate myself  

Sorry, i just feel so lost tonight, im not good at all. Take care, Will write a better reply tomorrow

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Hun,

Dont feel bad at all! What were they talking about? If it was upsetting u I am sure that they would have rather u told them than let it upset u! Please dont feel bad everyone on this site understands and I am sure that they will be glad u told them! You are not a idiot at all you are one of the most caring people I have even spoken too!

Hun I really hope you feel better soon please please!

I had a Lovely night tonight! I went out with the lad and we had a massive leaf fight lol and we both went for a Lovely walk in the countryside oh roxy I cant tell u what a great time I have had!!

Please let me know how u are hun,

Love Jennyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Roxy,

I hope you dont mind but I have got something playing on my mind and I need to talk to someone about it and I feel that I can only talk to you!

Well you know how I have had an amazing night with this lad I feel we are getting really close he even tried taking my hand! But there is one thing I am worried about well he goes away for a 4 day trip and we are not officialy going out I am scared that when he goes there he is going to find someone better than me and go out with them. He has lots of female friends to choose from so why would he want me? I am really scared of him going! Am I being racional or is this me being insecure?</