to lillies258

Hi :)

Thank you for your lovely message. It really helped to cheer me up after i've had such a rough day. *hugs*

I would like to keep in touch with you on here if thats okay? You seem like a really nice person and you helped me a lot on the chat thing yesterday.

I don't really see how anyone could want anything i have. I am just a useless piece of rubbish to be honest, nothing more.

I'm too scared to write what happened today in case anyone recognises me, but it involved my mum phoning up the school and the whole sixth form lying to side with someone. I am really fed up.

sorry for going on,

-xxx- lillies

heya

hun i will talk to u for as long as u want i just wish i could stop the bullys for u

i kno wat its like to b bullied its horrid and u dunt kno who to tell who to trust and feel no1 can help

i sed on chat i dunt fink skools do enuf - i stik by that they dunt do enuf but it dusent mean u shuldnt tell them - atleast uve dun ur part by tellin them and if they dunt do anyfin u can take it further

do u hav any in skool supprt? i had a great skool nurse tht would see me all the time wen i just needed to tlk and get fings off my chest weva it was eating related or not

i can understand u bein worried bout writin wat happened i always get paranoid my family or therapist wuld read wat i put and work otu who i am by tht even tho i dunt use my name

is 6th form wat u want to do now? do u feel bein ther is good for ?

i had to loook it objectively - was carryin on my studies goin to benefit me or was it worth takin a yr out and tryin to get bit better first - i ended up goin bk after a week of quitin as i couldnt hack all the free time but i got extra supprt in place and sat all exams albeit with consideration given from exam board and did ok now on a yr out as i put my health at risk doin a levels as my eatin and purgign went hay wire - so basically hun do u fink its worth it all for now - u could take time out n start sumwer new wer no1 knows u - its drastic i kno n i guess i shuldnt encourage runnin away from the problems wid the bullys but i guess if its makin u so low and makin everythign else is it worth it

so u must hav exams comin up

hows tht all goin?

hunu r not useless u r strong kind and caring

just fink these ppl r ignorant as i sed b4 they bully u mayb for ther own insecurities - fink of it like intelligent ppl r called geeks and piked on for tht - thats becus the bully is jelous they r so clever

mayb these bullies r jelous of u

hmm im all lost i hav had a few drinks as ruff day but i will try n write betta 2moro as im off work for the day xxx

Hi,

I'm going to see my dad tomorrow. I have to go on the train, and i don't like trains after watching the film Unbreakable. That is a good film though, you should see it, although it is a bit scary in parts.

I also have a great school nurse. Maybe, because she is so amazing and has gotten me all this support and is helping me through my problems. She said that she thinks i need more therapy, because i'm not getting any better. I see her once a fortnight, sometimes once a week when things are going really bad, and i also see a psychiatric nurse in between seeing her. My psychiatrist seems to have forgotten about me.

I'm in sixth form at the moment, yeah. It is going really rubbish, and i think everyone hates me because people either ignore me or are nasty to me :(. God i sound so pathetic. Being there isn't good for me because it is making my ED worse. I think i might have lost weight.

My exams aren't going very well. I am trying to revise for two hours a day - i try to do more and i can't, because i am so tired all the time, and i feel so depressed that all i do is sleep, eat and revise, nothing else.

speak soon,

-xxx- lillies

you dunt sound pathetic at all

as i sed b4 u hav to assess wats best for u skool or health or rather which catalises u bein worse - so is it a help or hindrance?

fings here got a bit messy n ended up in hospital - not really related to my eatingdisorder but more to do with the other thing but my eating disorder made it mor dangerous

im ok now i left without full treatment as i couldnt hak it if my parents found out

i just feel numb at the moment like i duno how to explain but the food isnt an issue which is good but in sumways i wish thats how i coped the past few days as then i wouldnt of ended up in hospital

anyway hun its great u hav a great skool nurse i kno mine was a star and without her support i would of been so much worse atleast u hav her u can rely on and go by wat shes saying - if she finks u need mor help then go for it

just take on wat u can - so if u only feel able to revise a hour do tht and rest the rest of the time then that way u will probably get mor dun as u wont strss so much each time and u will feel better mayb ??

people can b pretty nasty at the best of times but wen they see somethign that scares them and they dont understand - im talkin about ur illness not u as a person they freak out and dont knowwhat to do so i guess a mechanism to hide how they feel turns to bullyin as a way to deflect there own issues mayb?

hmm im ramblin sorry head is a mush 2day havent caught up on sleep yet and feel a bit frazzled

take care let me kno how fings go xxx

p.s hope the train was ok i hate trains to

hope seeing ur dad was ok too xx

Hi,

Sorry i couldn't get on the computer on saturday. It's like half ten at night now and its the first chance i've had to go on my computer all day. I got back off the train at half seven on saturday, and then i ate something, which was horrible because it was something really calorific and then i collapsed in bed feeling really ill. I go like that when i go out shopping. I'm not very good with busy places, and the town was packed because there was a festival on, it was so awful.

It went okay with my dad and his girlfriend. The GF is really nice - i have met her before. My dad gave me £100 to spend because it is my birthday soon. I brought some nice things, including this metal wire shaped heart with beads on it which hangs from a ribbon with a bow (it's pink), a book, a cd, some shoes, etc. I enjoyed spending the money, but my dad seemed preoccupied with something. It was really weird. I got off the train, and my dad looked me up and down, and the smile vanished off his face just for a second, but enough for me to notice. So now i'm thinking: i've either put on masses of weight or i've lost weight. That is worrying me now. :(

I think if i was at home, not at school, i would just be tempted to stay there all the time, and that is where i would spend my life, in my room.

I'm sorry you ended up in hospital - do you want to talk about it? If you do, i'm here for you *hugs*

I think that the people at school think i am a weird freak whose weight fluctuates loads, has no friends and belongs in a psychiatric hospital (someone said that to me once, with a knowing look on their face). I don't know how much they know about me, but they treat me really badly. I can honestly say that i have been bullied for 14 years, and i have never been bullied as badly as i am being bullied now.

Got to go to sleep now :(

hope you're okay,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

sorry, forgot to mention that i found a pattern in my depression today. During the week, mon-fri i feel really depressed, then saturday i feel a bit better through to sunday early afternoon, then after that it slowly comes back on me again ready for monday. I think it is school related. I told this to my mum and she agreed with me.

-xxx- lillies

hey hun

im feelin alot better this eve

it sounds like school is a big issue for u and all ur problems

u yr 12 or 13?

i think ur dad is just very worried and men dont know how to deal with body image aswel do they

sounds like u had a good shoppin trip im tryin to save hehe

its good u like his gf it will make it a whole lot easier i guess

i understand wat u mean by u would stay in ur room i spent a whole summer either walking or in my room as i couldnt face the outside world

i am k i guess things got to me and as i was determined not to let food b my way of controlling my feelings i turned to drink and then the rest followed

i still feel fragile in mind but theres peeks and troughs through the day so one moment things r all happy then next im reaching for a way to stop feeling dus that make sense? i am now going to aim to get my life back on track and live it for me - i have always belived i had to be there for my mum and family i put my life to the back now i live for me n to hell wat they fink

hmmm i can say it now lets see if i can do it haha

hun im so sorry to hear uve been bullied so much i wish i could stop it for u i really do u seem such a lovely person its so wrong they do this to you

hun u r ill its not ur fault and if they bully u cus of it mor stupid them - i cant fink of wat to say on it as its very hard to kno wat ur going fru but im here if u wana tlk bout it all n let it out xxxx

Hi,

I understand what you mean by peaks and troughs. Monday is my worst day, because i have a whole week of school, although i hide this fact from people, and saturday is my worst day, because i'm not at school.

I'm in year 12 - i get no study leave at all. My head of sixth form thinks it is pointless and unneccessary. I don't think it is.

If i drank * then it would probably kill me because of all the medication i am on.

I saw my school nurse today and she told me that she'd spoken to my head of sixth form and told her what she thought of the whole bullying situation. It sounded like they had an argument. Over me. Uh-oh. Basically, my head of sixth form said that i shouldn't be answering the bullies back, so then my school nurse said to my head of sixth form that if the bullies weren't nasty to me in the first place then i wouldn't have to answer them back. I thought that was a fair point. My school nurse seemed pretty fed up with the head of sixth form : / 

Haven't eaten much today, but then i really don't give a damn about my eating anymore. It is just too much effort.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

aw hugs hun i kno they cant do much but to let u kno im here n listenin

ur skool nurse sounds gr8 which is good for u atleast u hav 1 person ther for u on ur side 

ur head of yr seems not so good at all - i fink study leav is a triky subject and depends on the skool ur inbut mayb u could just take a few days sick ??

its such a hard situation ur in u dred skool but its also safe i guess from the pressures on eating ??

hun u must eat and give a dam becus if u dunt skool wil become worse and worse harder n harder so mayb if u keep in mind wat u want - good grades and to do well

too much effort ye - im not suprised its so hard for ya but u hav to keep fighting

xx

sorry if tht became preachy xxx

Hi,

I took a day off sick today - although i was actually ill. I might be going to the doctors next week because i keep feeling ill and light headed all the time. I don't see how it can be weight connected. I think i might have anemia (not enough iron or something) because i feel so tired all of the time.

I feel so guilty saying this, but yesterday afternoon i started self harming again, on my leg. I really couldn't help it. I just wanted something to take this incredible pain i feel away, and for a minute after i did it the pain was gone. I know it's wrong but i can't help it. I'm in a right state. I have all these things wrong with me and i will probably end up being sectioned or something because everyone thinks i am messed up in the head, which i suppose i am.

I find it easier to eat at school in a way, because my mum isn't there moaning at me about not eating enough, but everyone watches me eat, so i have to go and eat in an empty place where nobody can see me, and i hate people seeing me eat anyway, because i think that they think how can such a fat person eat all that food?

I'll be quiet now because i sound really stupid,

-xxx- lillies

hey

i hope ur feelin better

u shuld see the doc it wuld b gd to

i always preferd eatin at skool on my own it was easier lyk u say

try not n feel bad about the s/h i understand  wat ya mean about takin pain away

u r not fat hun

hun ur ill its not ur fault and u need help its not ur fault

u dunt sound stupid at all u sound lost and scared and thts ok

hun just take each day at a time n dunt b too hard on urself

xxx

Hi,

I've been restricting for the past three days.....can't help it....feel so depressed

My dog died today - i am very upset

I'm still self harming. I can't help that either. I sound so stupid, not being able to help anything

Sorry this is so short, but i haven't got the energy to write,

take care,

-xxx- lillies

aw so sorry bout ur dog hun

i cant write much its a mush day here just quit my job and feel so low

u take care xxx

Hi,

I have had a rubbish day as well.

I did my exam....which went not very good because i kept forgetting what the german words meant and i couldn't hear the tape properly. The essay went okay, i wrote just under what the maximum could be, but the reading and writing i know i have just completely messed up :(

I'm sorry to hear about your job, but maybe it was for the best *hugs*

I saw my psychiatric nurse for the first time today on her own. I was feeling really low, and in the end she had to phone my mum because she was concerned about me, and she also phoned my school nurse and she is going to speak to my psychiatrist. My mum is all tense and worrying about me. We went into quite a deep depth about my feelings and stuff towards food, and it made me realise that i have got serious issues with food, but in a way i knew that already. She is really nice though, and i think i am going to get on with her. I am seeing her again next week because of my low mood, and she had the decentcy to ring me just after dinner time (5.00pm) and tell me that she had spoken to my mum and my school nurse, and that my school nurse is concerned about the bullying going on.

I'm missing my dog a lot.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey hun im sure ur exam went better than u fink

i dunt have a clu about german i was out 2nyt n these german ppl stopped us and asked us where summit was i got so confused

thts great tht she has been so helpful

im glad she is lettin all involved kno and its gd u can see how much food affects u

im k iwent out n drunk a bit wid a frend but i need a bit or normality in my life and therefore it was ok prob not the best fing to do afta the week ive had but normality is really helpin me so o well ye quittin is prob a gd idea as the stress got too much for me and i could feel it taking its toll - i had several complaints made agenst me for not being polite - i get so angry and tired wen im stressed i am not polite and am not patient which i have to b in the job i did so best off out of it for now i think

i remember wen i lost my dog it was horrid but just rememebeer how much joy it brought and now although your dogs not with you you still have memories

hope ur k hope ur weekend isnt too bad i dont know what im guna do with mine yet im used to workin all weekend hehe

take care xxxx

Hi,

I hope you had a nice time out having a drink. I have never been out to a club or a dance because i haven't got any friends to go with, and nobody has ever invited me to go anywhere. I have only ever been to one sleepover, and that was only with one person, and it was about three years ago now.

My nan and grandad came today, and my mum kept telling me to 'shake my feathers'. She thinks it is as easy as that, but it really isn;t. I've been in bed all day because i haven't had the energy to do anything apart from sleep.

How are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey

its ahrd for parents to understand i fink i fink in ther mid they r willing u soo much to get betta that maybe if they make it sound easy it will happen - maybe more her tryin to convince herslef its easy to prevent her feelin mor hurt? i kno my mum tryed to switch off from the seriousness and told herslef i would eat everything ok and not be sick - she said if she thought it enough and reminded me enough what i was eating was ok i would think it was - if only tho

i have a job again - they refused my resognation but i sed i owuld only go bk if i had a week hol first so i hav just been chillin n spendin tym wid 2 of my brothers who both moved out so i dont get to spend much time with them

its fun spendin time wid them but it means eatin out alot so that has been a bit of a shakey area but ive managed it and i feel ok i feel alot happier this week i think by quittin my job and then it being my choice what i did after sort of gave me a sense of natural control on my life without using some means to feel control - if that makes sense

i have very few worries at the moment my eating is bk to ok agen and my mood has picked up drastically so in 2 days ive felt happy constantly no dark thoughts so thats good

just tired now as been socialisin alot with a few old friends n family n tht

hows the exams goin?

hun dunt worry too much about not socialisin n not bein invited n tht i have the same i only go out if i do the inviting and if i make the effort to arrange it - n as for sleepovers hun ther over rated haha i hated sleep overs i only went to a few n was neva allowd them at my own house haha

wow ive rambled i hope some of my good mood and energy can makes it way to u hun u sooo deserv it

xxxxxxx

Hi,

Thanks for your nice post. It helped a bit :) *hugs*

I am really upset. I saw my school nurse and told her that i am feeling worse, and everyone thinks it is because of the exams, but i know that it isn't, i know that everything is getting to me, and then i spent 45 minutes telling my school nurse how rubbish i felt and how everything was going wrong for me at the moment, and she didn't even seem to care :(. There were these silences like she wasn't even paying attention. And then, this is what made it all a lot worse, she said that she thinks i have got a little bit better, and i haven't because i feel as awful as ever, and i just spent 45 minutes trying to make her understand that, and she didn't even listen to me enough to pick that up.  She was like 'you are getting better', and it was so frustrating, because nobody understands how i feel - which is more alone than ever. And now i have got to wait until after my exams - which isn't until the 4th June to prove to them all that it isn't my exams causing my depression to get worse to actually get any help and support off them. They all think it is a phase i am going through, but i know it isn't. Nobody listens to me. And she wouldn't tell me what my psychiatric nurse said about me either, which means it was something bad. My psychiatrist hasn't phoned, which means she obviously doesn't give a monkeys about me either. Nobody cares about me at all.

-xxx- lillies

I also forgot to mention that my school nurse thinks that she isn't any help to me, because she said 'it's not so much me as it is *name of psych.nurse*' when she was talking about me getting help, so now i am so scared that she is going to say that i don't need to see her anymore because i am 'getting better' apparentely, even though my psychiatric nurse phoned her up telling her i was suicidal.

aw hun hugs hugs hugs

i so know what you mean when they think your getting better when your not and they think its all to do with exams - my mum is still convinced thats the only reason i became 'ill'.

the most important thing is even tho it doesnt seem like it is that you know its not exams causing it alone - so you know its not going to all get better after exams

unfortunatley its the whole thing about unless you have been through it you dont understand it

as i said in previous post maybe she is saying that to you to maybe try and create a bit of positivity and make you think things are better - sort of trying to trick your mind - not u just your mind - i think its a normal thing to be done - it doesnt help you if it doesnt work but shes only trying - i know it doesnt seem helpfull i hated it when my skl nurse said she thought i looked better therefore i must be doing better - it was hardly ever the case -

maybe see your gp and see if they can ring your psychiatrist -

i care about u

i know its not helpful but my school nurse did remind me lots she wasnt qualified enough to fully help me - maybe urs in in similar position ?

all i can say is im here for you im not to sure what else i can say and fear i have said wrong things alredy

take care and you keep telling them things arnt better - they have to listen eventually

xxx

Hi,

Thanks for your message. This will only be short because i have got to go in a minute - sorry :(

I'm too scared to speak to my GP in case they section me or something for having suicidal thoughts, and i really don't want that to happen because then people will think that i am really crazy and then nobody will listen to me.

I am so stressed. I've got exams coming up and i've got one on thursday which is making me all stressed.

I'm still self harming, which i know isn't good. I've been doing it every day for some time now :(

Maybe when the exams are over and they see i'm not getting any better, they will finally realise that it is other things causing me to be worse, and maybe then they will finally give me some support.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

How are you doing?

I saw my psychiatric nurse yesterday....she wants to have a talk with me and my mum together for some reason, so it has been scheduled for friday 6th june :(. I'm dreading it to be honest, because according to my mum - 'everything is fine'. I did tell her about having to wait until after my exams to prove that it isn't my exams making me feel worse, and she (my p.n) didn't say anything. Then my school nurse walked in and i thought to myself 'this is it, they are going to tell me that they can't do anything for me', but she was with someone else and had walked in by accident, but my p.n wanted to speak to her about me afterwards. I also told my p.n about people watching me and evil spirits watching me, because that is what i think, and she wrote it down. She wrote four pages on what i said, which isn't good.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey hun its gd in a way they wrote all tht cus atleast ther takin note of what u say and not ignorin u

im sure it wil b fine wid ur mum being ther - maybe they just fink it would b best for u

fings here k altho my stress levels hav roketed the past 2 days bein bk at work

but i feel much more positive and hapy as i had therapy on fri n it went well in the end plus spent sum time wid a old frend and some fings she sed helped me alot

u been up2 much on bamk hol wken? u got much planed for half term?

how r the exams goin?

keep strong here for u xxx

Hi,

I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply. Something was nagging at the back of my head that i hadn;t done, and i suddenly remembered that i hadn't updated some of my posts. I am really really sorry.

I'm sorry to hear about your stress levels, how are they now?

My appointment is in two days - i am so nervous.

My mum spoke to me today quite deeply, and she said that my problems make her feel angry, she blames herself, frustrated, sad and confused, because i asked her how it makes her feel, and now i feel so guilty.

I didn't do much in the bank holidays - i just went to stay at my nan and grandads - what did you do? I just spent my time sleeping and revising.

The exams didn't go too well - i know i've failed them. How did yours go? They are all over now though.

I've been binge eating for the past week and a half, and i feel so awful.

I've got a bruise from where someone (one of the bullies) did something to me earlier and it really hurts and it makes me feel so depressed, and everyone who was around found it really funny.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey hun

sorry exams didnt go well for u im sure u dun better than u fink

i finsihed all exams last summer n am on a gap year - well several actualy i dunt really plan on ever goin uni

hun dunt feel awlful about the binging its not ur fault i understand it doesnt feel great etc but remember ur ill u cant control it as yet but u will b able to one day soon i hope and b able to eat well again.

dunt feel guilty about how ur mum feels - one fing gi lernt now is tht we hav no conrol over how r parents r and feel they feel fings becus in ther head fings r different - they feel bad how fings turned out for us etc - ur mum is baound to feel many fings and find it hard but she still loves u wid all her heart and wuldnt change u

thts so horrid of the bullies i wish i culd stop them for u

i worked bank hols wasnt busy tho but extra day pay so its all gd really

ye my stress levels r all ok agen had a bit of a touch n go moment last weekend wen got sum dissapointin news from a frend n i felt so low about it and rubbish and did my usual fing it seems to internalise it and believ i am a bad frend bla bla and tht i deserv to b alone and for a few moments felt so weak emotionally and mentally i could of craked agen n ended up in  a bad way but i held it 2gether and then by nxt mornin got up did a bit of finkin n shoppin spoke to a few ppl n felt much much beter.

physcially not to well at the moment - nothin ED related tho as i hav been eatin well wid no purgin for months wid very little purgin or restrictin so physically at near healthy weight and ok agen it just seems mentally i had alot more to battle than i realised but hey im gettin ther

u keep fightin hun keep strong hope the appointment went well xxxxxxx

Hi,

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better :). How are you doing at the moment?

I'm doing okay thanks, but my depression is starting to come back over me again as the evening wears on :(

I had the meeting with my CPN and my mum, and i hated the whole thing. My CPN said that she is concerned that i will pretend to feel suicidal so that i end up in hospital, and i said that i don't want to be in hospital, but she didn't seem to believe me and i am upset now :(. And she said to my mum to do a scale of 1 to 10 and if i reach 9 or 10 then to call the doctor out.

I saw my school nurse today, which went okay, but she is going part time next year :(

My Bruise is still there.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

tht isnt v nice of ur cpn i fink thts dam ryt wrong sayin tht to u

sorry it didnt go well

i dont understand how they expect ur mum to scale how u r 1 - 10 surely only u kno how u feel - ur mum doesnt kno how u r in ur head at the time

i remember wen my mum had to fill in a questionaire wen i started therapy and it asked about my mood and how they saw me as bein in diff situations  from tht my mum proved that she had no idea how i was or feeling. hmmmm

things here r a bit all over the place . im leavin my job soon to take time out for me as went straight from work into full time work so need me time now and i can hav time off now without it meanin i spend all day everyday b/p like i used to on just days of this time last yr.

will missthe ppl tho buti need to move on

mood a bit over the place but so far stil managin without usin food altho sum negativ image forts bk due to sum clothes i used to wer alot no longer fittin me but i do realistically realise tht size was 2 small but it stil bothers me but im determined to keep happy well try to as my family hav started to notice me distancin myself and get worried wen i leav the room or say im not hungry as they fink im goin bk to old ways im not altho i feel like i could as its so strong tostop

got to go at work at mo n manager can see im on net woops so hope he didnt see the site i was on u take care keep figthin let me kno how fings r goin xx

Hi,

I think it was wrong of her as well. I am going on a rant now, sorry.

Maybe it is good that you have left your job - it will give you time to focus on you again.

I think that all the professionals want me to hate them so that i don't want to see them anymore, so then they don't have to bother with poor, pathetic old me who doesn't give a toss about getting better because it's too much effort and who doesn't want to change. It saves them the bother of having to say to me 'sorry, we can't help you'. They have this look in their eyes when they see me like hopelessness, and they shuffle around and sigh and stuff when i am talking, like i am a worthless thing to listen, to, which i know i am, and the way they look, i just want to scream at them 'Why are you looking at me like that for?'. I mean, my school nurse ages ago said that she thinks i am manipulative, it's like they are trying to push me away. And they also said that they feel that hospital isn't the right thing for me, and i mean, they don't even know what to do with me, they just keep pretending like everything is fine, and when i try and talk to them about my eating, they change the subject! It's like they have blocked out what i say about my eating, it's like they don't give a toss about me and how i feel about food. I mean, i ate way too much food today and i have started putting on noticeable amounts of weight, but do they care? No. They just don't listen. I mean, i was underweight by a little bit a few months ago, i must be in the normal weight range by now surely, but  this is too hard to accept for me. They don't know how i feel about food. About how i feel so drawn to it, about how i think about it all the time, and i can't stop eating it, and i hate myself so so so much for it, and then when i restrict i feel so faint, and i can't win either way because i am just stuck in this circle of restricting, bingeing, restricting etc and it does my head in because i can't eat normally. They don't even weigh me, so i can't even keep track of what i weigh, which is really important. It is only their jobs and they don't really care - my school nurse cares more than my CPN i know that, but they don't even seem to be listening to me when i talk. My mum doesn't understand at all - she thinks i am keeping myself ill because i am scared that if i get better then all my support will go away, and this is one of the reasons, but she thinks it is the only reason when it isn't, and she also thinks that i don't want to get better, which okay, is true, because i am scared of change, but i hate the fact that she thinks everything is so superficial when it isn't, she doesn't understand at all.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey hun hugs to u first

i sooo sooo sooo understand wat ur sayin

my skl nurse sed i was bein manipulativ becus aparently i was askin help off so may ppl it was like i wanted to manipulate everyone in to carin n givin attnetion - it really hurt wen she sed it - she didnt say it to me she sed it to my mum who delibrately put the fone on loud speaker so i could hear - but she did say she fort it was becus my eating was disorderd tht my brain was doin irrational thougts so mayb urs ment tht 2?

i fink mayb hun unfortunately they do tlk in sum ways and say fings like urs has to try n make u help urself mor - n it falls bk to the fact they havent been fru it so they dunt kno how it feels so therfor cant realy help

i dunt kno if im makin sense so i apologise

i never felt tht my eatin has ever been addrressed like i felt it shuld either and never weighed ect but hun mayb its cus at the end of they day its not the food tht is the issu its summit inside ur head tht just makes u use food - if tht makes sense

hun its quite natural to be scared of gettin better becus bein ill in this way is secure - i was terrified of gettin better cus then i wuld lose my way of copin - im not to sure about wat she says about losin supprt cus at end of day u dunt wana b sat ther week after week n tht surely

i never look at my therpaist so dunt see wat faces r pulled but i get the hmmms which sometime annoy me and the look of some of the teachers tht found out wen i was at skool wer horrid n the nurses at hosp but hun just remember they dunt kno how u feel and havent been in ur position and therfor dunt realy kno wat to say to help in sum cases - mayb they fink well if they say summit u will get angry or annoyed so mayb sayin nuffin they feel is better

im not sure im makin sense hun i guess its hard to explain but i totally get y u feel like u r about it all and i did to - but once u start gettin better - n it wil happen u will realise y they approached fings in sum ways and y this n tht was sed n why weight wasnt focused on - these ppl r clever ppl - i used to hate the way my therapist sed fings or didntmention food or weight or tht but now i do realise becus at end of day its the underlyin issues thts the problem the food and eatin is a symptom  and one day i hope soon u will ge t better

i hav to go and ive rambled on im so sorry take care nxt time i write i wil try n b better at writin wat i want xxx

Hi,

I am really depressed today for some main reason.

My mum rang the place where all the cpn's meet and said that i wasn't going to be in school tomorrow, and she asked if someone could tell my cpn to meet me at home, and the lady on the phone said yes, but i heard nothing. Then i rang my school nurse and the cpn place this morning (my mum hafd rang yesterday afternoon luncthime) and my school nurse said that she had managed to speak to my cpn, and that she would rung in 15 mins, but she didn't ring until one, which was three and a half hours after she was supposed to ring, and then she cancelled on me, so i mean, where did the hour that i was supposed to see her in go? She could've got to my house from the school in ten mins, so now i am really upset and i have been crying all day.

how are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

How are you doing?

I've got a meeting with my CPN and my school nurse about the bullying at school tomorrow, and i am really nervous about it because i don't know what they are going to say.

Haven't been getting much sleep lately and i've started self-harming again.

My eating is up and down as well.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey how did meeting go?

i found wen i found it harder to sleep tht readin soon sent me off to sleep or listenin to music - as for s/h just try n sort one fing at a time out - dunt try n stop all behaviours at once

n just persevere with the eating it will get betta i can say tht much at least

things here r ok not the best of weeks but no wer near the worst but i fear the nxt week or so as alone alot but i shall hav to work fru it

i cant giv in now and wont

well let me kno hoe it goes wid the meetin take care

Hi,

You sounded a bit down in your post - is everything okay? *Hugs* You've got to keep trying and not let everything get on top of you.

The meeting went okay i suppose. We decided on a course of action, but i'm not sure when it is going to happen.  I don't want anything to happen though because i feel as though i deserve for all this to happen to me.

I saw my dad and his gf on saturday, and he spent lots of money on her and brought nothing for me. Then he said that i looked well (that really really hurt because i know that if i look well then my weight is up) then he said later on that i was looking 'slightly on the skinny side'. My head is so messed up and i'm sorry but i'm not making much sense.

I am feeling really depressed at the moment, so sorry that i'm not much help.

-xxx- lillies

hey i was v down last week but this week i need to pik it up inorder to get my life bk to sum form of normality and continuity n i fort it all was guna go wrong agen this morning but i got out agen n fort bk so fings feel a bit better here and things arnt so scary i just need to battle on

of course u deserv help and u no way deserv the problems u have no 1 does and u certainly dont deserv it

ur dad - is a man - men dont understand the whole appearance fing aswel - they dont kno how to word things so - wen he sed u looked well - mayb he ment tht u looked better - which is good and dusent mean any negativ fings u feel n in his way he fort if he sed tht to u u myt feel better - it doesnt work like tht much but it culd of - n then wen he told u u wer skinny - tht is his way of saying he is worried for u and his way of lettin u kno he realises and is mayb ther for u

this is all my interpretation of it but mayb it wuld help to see anutha way of lookin at it - i kno wen ppl told me i looked better - at first i fort tht ment i must of got bigger but in reality it ment u look better - as in u may hav smiled once u may hav better skin tht day and ur hair may not look so lifeless - and eventually wen u r in recovery and u are in a place mentaly wer it becomes accepted weigth gain is ok looking well means u r healthy and u hav finally got rid of the demons - yes ther wil b wobbley days but thts human

u just take care of urself keep fightin cus u r worth fighting for n u dunt deserv any of the rubbish

Hi,

How are you doing?

Thanks for your post, i see what you mean now. My dad knows that i have been in hospital and stuff, but he never mentions it and neither do i, and i prefer it that way, because if it was mentioned then it would cause tension.

The thought of beingin recovery makes me so scared and i feel that i can't do it. Everyone keeps commenting on my weight. A year seven girl came up to me today, smiled at me and went in this weird voice 'you're skinny', and then one of my brothers old friends came up behind me and said 'i know, she is thin, but she thinks she's fat'. And i thought 'thanks for announcing to the year seven girl that i have eating issues. And then someone else said that i was 'certainly not fat and not a normal weight', I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on here? Can't these people see i am overweight? I look in the mirror and see my fat, so why can't they? I binge-eat every day practically, so how can i be underweight? Nothing makes any sense.

If my rant above doesn't make any sense that might be because some of it was edited out.

Why do people not see that i am struggling? Is it because they see me eating lots of food, and think that i am over my old anorexic self, or is it because i don't show how i feel, so nobody understands, and they all think i am fine? My mum said today that i seem 'the same, which is okay'. That really *swear worded* me off.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

How are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

Are you okay???

-xxx- lillies

hey sorry not replied sooner been really busy

socialisin in fact- im not used to it - i left skool a yr ago now n ppl then didnt wana kno me now they invyt me out as of the past few weeks n its been good

got lots goin on really which is keepin me busy until i get a new job - still no luk n herd bk from no1 any longer out of work n i fink i will find it harder

my eatin has remained ok - i had 1 week wer i felt v low n it was becomin a thing i fort about purgin agen but didnt do it n afta tht week i hav been much better and my food intake has remained level thankfully cus i dunt fink i can cope with binging at the moment

but ye things ok here feelin much stronger and better and things seem to b ok and buildin bridges with ppl and getitn out more

i fink to this tym last yr n i was a state i had my prom comin up so i wasnt doin to well with eatin n then purging alot and had exmas and stuff n just all round mess not enjoyin life n just not feelin well at all and never then culd i see myself doin so well n bein so happy soo... things do get better

about ur skool nurse dilema - i used to see mine alot - not as close as u r to urs but i saw mine alot in skool but didnt on fone or txt or anyfin. Mine sed to me even tho i had left skool she would still b ther if i needed her - i didnt feel too comfortable in ringin her wen i had problems tho as i didnt feel like i culd but i did wen i had a mega problem n she spoke to me and advised me on wat was best - n tht was 9 months after i left skool soooo.

i think u need to ask her.. say to her look im worried about losin ur supprt - she will kno tht anyway and mayb just fase her support out slightly until u r gettin the level of supprt u need form the adult services - its summit u need to discuss with her tho

hope ur doin ok - i havent had much tym to catch up on how things r for u

i hope fings arnt too bad - hav u managed to show them its not exams makin u worse yet?

xxxxx

Hi,

I'm glad you're getting out with people more. I'm happy for you *hugs*

My mum thinks i am better since my exams finished, but that is because something happened, something my school nurse told me, that has sent my mood and eating completely out of control. My clothes feel smaller. One moment i am nervous, the next i am really really depressed, the next i am hyper from trying to block out what my school nurse told me, and the next minute i am anxious, and when my mum sees my hyper side she thinks i am happy. So she'll be telling everyone how well i am doing, which really gets to me.

I told my school nurse how i feel, and i think she understands. My cpn doesn't. I don't really connect with her at the moment and i dread the sessions because i am scared that she will say something bad. My cpn said that she is going to speak honestly with me about everything, which has scared me because i'm scared she is going to be able to see inside my head.

I keep self-harming. I can't help it.

how are you doing?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

hey i duno if i replied or not this weekend has been a rollercoaster of emotions

i am doing ok some days hav been better than others its been hard keepin control of emotions as lots has happened with frends n home life

it all came to an eruption this mornin at home and a lot of shoutin went on    its not cus of me its anuther family member but we all get drawn into it and it causes a lot of pain cus its been an ongoing problem most of my life with it and i had just got to the point wer i had let go and no longer got so tied up in it n even sed intherapy on fri how i have my life bk and i stil do but this wkend tested out my strenght and not fallin bk to the saftey i had with the bulimia

so testin few days weather been atrotious so i spenbt all wkend in the house in bed lol needed to cathc up on sleep as alot of socialisin had happened last week n im not used to it to say the least

as with frends welhav and i just  i was annoyed but i just accept thtthts how they r and i put up with it

i had great news today  got a new job so so happy as i was so nervous about gettin a new one i even contimplated not even botherin n just stayin home but i found the strenght n got out and handed my cvs out and it was the first place i went haha n its a place i luv n hoepful can make new frends and get a bit mor of a life for myself

now re readin i fink i did post bk mayb its just not filterd fru yet or i sed summit i shuldnt  i dunt fink i did hmmm

hun its scary wen u fink they will see in ur head but thtey cant help unles they kno wats goin on

wat did ur nurse say ? its hard wen they say thigns u may not b redy to hear or they dunt understand fully so say summit out of line but end of day they only wana help u

ryt i hav to go battery guna fail u take care xxxxx

Hi,

I am ill.....not good :(

My school nurse said that she can see how hard things are for me, and she said that she understands how i feel, which i think might be a bit true because she does seem to know how i feel sometimes. I said i was going to write a letter to my psychiatrist when i first meet her to explain how i feel, because i am no good with talking about myself when i first meet people, and she said that that is a really positive thing to do. I don't want it to be positive though because i don't deserve to get better. I said about my head being messed up, and my sentences didn't make any sense, and she let me stay with her while she did some paperwork because i think she was worried about me. I said 'there's no need to worry about me, i'm fine', and she just went 'hmmm' like she didn't believe me. I was refusing to drink a lot  though and i didn't feel like eating so i think that that is what she was worried about.

I'm sorry that everything came to an eruption, but maybe now everything is out in the air, things will be calmer?

I spend a lot of time sleeping as well because i want to forget my misery of a life.

I'm seeing my CPN on friday, which i'm not looking forward to at all. I am supposed to have done a positive thinking thing....which i haven't even started yet, and it's two days away. I am going to be in trouble.

how are you?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

hey im glad u got to see the nurse after monday

its horrid wen they cancel n uve had a bad time of it and u r all set to see them u plan how u wil say stuff n u need ther support n then ther not ther i guess we rely so heavily on them at r worst but we hav to remember they r human to they get sick need days off and hav other things goin on but it doesnt make it easier wen u get canceled on

tht was gd of her lettin u stay wid her

mine was gd like tht i wuld spend whol lunchtimes sat with her and just talk and tht she actually cared and tht helped so much cus altho she wuld tlk to me about my food intake and tht she neva pushed too hard for me to eat wat i wasnt comfortable with we worked on it slowly and wen i had dun just a fraction better she helped me see positives

hun u sooo deserv help u may not see it urself but thts becus ur ill n the ED n depression make u fink tht

y do u fink ur not worth it?

u wont b in trouble wid the cpn she shuld understand its a very hard task to do - everyone struggles to find positives about themselves and with all u hav goin on its harder so dunt worry urself

lots of sleep is good tho becus tht culd help u - i found anyfin tht kept me away from harm was gd so if sleepin 18 hours a day like i did helped then i did it

just take each day as it comes

fings here much better

ye it cleared the air but its all been hushed like we cant mention it which annoyes me cus im sorry but i cant forgiv n forget wat my bro has dun n sed so angry stil but a natural angry not a self depricating internalisation of it so its ok n eating is ok again it did frow me a bit with the stress but then i got good news so i got happier n then had a stressful day today n n felt a slide in my mental strenght but a few hours later and sum shoppin helped n now im all ok

u just hav to persevre n let fings take tym unfortunately it isnt as easy as a few ADs a few counselling sessions n a bit more food it takes time - they always say time is a healer n they r ryt i had to work at it for 2 yrs after i recognised wat i was doin admitted it was a problem n in tht 2 years i tryed soo hard i fell bk but i piked myself up n now am getin ther just take each day at a time and accept the help u need and deserv hun u do deserv it

y dunt u fink u do?

n writin a letter is a great fing to do tht shows u deep down want the help i wrote my mum a letter wen i told her wat i was doin words can speak volumes n they will also read between the lines to ur emotions and ur actions wen ur ther - they r great at readin ur body language so u may say ur ok n fine but they can see ur not - i fink thts y ur nurse could see

anyway u keep strong keep figthin n take care let me kno how fings go wid ur cpn

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi,

I don't think i deserve to get better because well, i'm a rubbish person to just be completely honest.

It went badly with my CPN. She confirmed something for me which is stopping me from getting better, and this thing which is stopping me i can't do anything about, and my school nurse thinks that i won't get much better before this is sorted out.

I'm seeing my school nurse tomorrow. I am going to be in such a state because of this news. I feel numb from it all and i feel in some sort of shock. It is so horrible.

My CPN is so positive all the time and it does my head in. I don't want to be positive, there is no point at all.

I feel so depressed. There is this big whole inside me which sucks all the happiness out of everything and eats away at me all the time.

how are you doing?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

hey

is this thing stoppin u from gett n betta anyfin u could sort of start to try n sort it at all?

u do deserv to b free from the ED u r not a rubbish person

sorry this post will b rubbish im not too good i feel so low the past few days - i shuld of been so happy as had new job - i walked out today i couldnt cope so things not gd here well i am strugglin i havent acted on thoughts yet but i duno i just feel like mush

ta ke care keep strong u will beat this xxx

Hi,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so low, but hopefully things will get better for you as the week goes on. *hugs*

It's really complicated - this thing is. Basically, i can't say what it is because i am too scared, but i have got a choice whether i do what i need to to get better, but it has really bad consequences on me and other people, which i can't cope with. I can't say anymore than that without giving it away.

My eating is so awful. I have eaten loads over the past five days, i think to make up for myself starving myself last week and i have ballooned again. I told myself that i wouldn't binge eat after starving myself, and then i couldn't stop myself from buying loads of food.

I saw my school nurse. She was offish with me, and not very nice to be around. I think she was stressed though because we break up from school on thursday and i know she has a lot to sort out, or she could be getting fed up with me being the same week after week. She did wish me a good holiday though. I am seeing her at the hospital on the 30th July. I was so depressed when i saw her that i hardly said anything. I didn't have it in me to talk at all about how i felt, because the words wouldn't come out. This thing i was on about just, i was talking to her about it, which i have done loads recently, and she said 'why would you be upset about that?'. That upset me. Then she sent me a text at quarter past midnight, which i got in the morning, and it was a blank text, and i was all worried because i dreamt that her mum died (her mum is ill), so i sent her a text asking her if there was something she wanted to tell me as she sent me a text, and she texted back and put 'no sorry'. I thought i might have had some sort of premonition about her mum or something, and the other thing was, why did she sent me a text at that time? So i was worrying for two hours until i got that reply.

How are you?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

aw hun

u need to b strong

the fing wat it is even if it hurts others sumtyms u hav to b selfish n look after u - if its makin u ill u need to try n get it sorted i kno it must b hard

ur nurse hmm tht must b hard for u wid the hols comin up i hated skl hols n loosin tht extra support but its gd u can contact her. i get wat u mean about not bein able to talk wen u feel like tht i used to sit in silence for most of my sessions for a wile unable to find the words to use

here i unfortunately acted on the dark feelins yest n b/p first time in nearly 5 months so quite angry at myself but i kno ive dun well and blips r expected it just feels horrid

i kno y it was - the work fing n it brort bk to many bad memories of skool days and my feelings wen i couldnt reach a target ther i would beat myself up soo much feel worthless so im glad i got out of the job as i kno if i didnt reach targets it would of only fueled my negativ forts n caused me to relapse i fear

but today is a new day i hav a frend round later for a girly nite - havent had one in a v long tym a bit nervous as it involves food n drink but i hav to get fru it

not been up2 much else havent felt like it

anyway hun u let me kno how fings r goin n u take care n keep strong u can beat it u really can i just fear u hav to first accept wats causin it and accept u need to get help for it and if th tmeans talkin about it and tht u must

n hun dunt feel to bad about the bingin its quite natural after starvin ur body for a wile for it to feel the need to reload like tht as wel as emotional issues contributin and its part of the illness not ur fault k

must go dog to walk xx

Hi,

I'm back now *hugs*

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling too good. It feels ages since i spoke to you - how are you doing now? How is work going?

Maybe you should find a different job, where you can feel more relaxed? I know that would be hard, but maybe it's worth looking into?

I'm really sorry that you b/ped after such a long time, but try not to worry about it too much. Everyone has setbacks - it's part of recovery. Just take each day as it comes, that's what i try to do.

I weighed myself at my aunt's, which i know was wrong of me, but i couldn't help it. I feel so awful.

I saw my CPN, which didn't go very well (today). She seemed a bit offish with me.

Got to go because my tea is ready :(

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

hey

aw hun hope ur stay at auntys wasnt to stressful

im k ish

quit tht job so no job now had bad week in terms of controllin feelins so was an emotional wrek most of week but i kno half of tht was hormones

im tryin to forgiv myself for b/p cus in realisty i kno its always a posibilty whilst not fully recoverd n even after n in realness its only a minor blip

i just need to keep on trak n liv for me now so 2nyt it led to a fallout wid a frend - well he calls himself tht but for the fact he couldnt respect the fact i had to go home n not spend the nyt partyin for his bday makes me fink do i need tht typ og person in my life ryt now - hmmm no

i am badly sunburnt at mo it hurts n soo anoyd cus i used tunnes of sun cream - i spent a day wid my mum which was gr8 - so all last weeks fears of tht she was angry at me n ignorin me hav faded - still in the mind but faded

so i fink with tht n less hormones rushin n feelin mor comfortable wid me as a person - i wore a swim costume n a skirt wid no tights - huge huge step i feel agen im conquerin fears n worries so hoepfully i can get life bk on trak just need a job now but i fink i myt aswel enjoy summer wilst i can

hun y u feel cpn off wid u?

remembe weight is jst a number it means nuffin in reality to wat a great person u r

n weighin