I can't carry on like this anymore :-(

Hey lovely,

I feel exactly the same as you atm. I feel like i have tried to add a bit more into my diet but all it does is make me feel worse and fatter than before so i end up giving in and restricting again.

I know what you mean about how it happened to you... i never saw me ending up in this dark and unhappy place but its what happened. We just need to put as much determination into getting out as we did to get in.

Dont think of yourself as being weak.... think strong and postive thoughts and try to put the thoughts into actions. Sounds so simple i know... i tell myself these things over and over again but that voice messes them up and stops me from listening. We must try as hard as possible to push the voice away.

Im so sorry you feel the way you do... i completely understand so im here if you ever want to talk :)

Tasha xxxx

heya,

you're not too weak, but every second you think of giving up, she gets stronger. i know how hard it is, but i also know there is always hope, often in places you never expect so keep trying new things, or just things you haven't tried doing in a while, variety can make you feel better as routine can get too much.

you're right about being angry for ending up in this state, you don't deserve any of it and you shouldn't have to deal with it yourself.

are you seeing anybody who can help you out a bit with the bad times?

don't give up, you have so much to gain from freeing yourself of this and you will be a million times happier when you do, just don't expect everything of yourself overnight.

hope you have a better day tomorrow, remember the bad days are always in the past, so look forward and only look back with pride at how far you've come, never to dwell on things that make you feel bad.

keep strong and never accept the abuse of the ED.

take care of yourself xox 

Hi Roxy

Sounds as though you are going through a really bad patch at the mo.  Things do get really tough with ed's.  So tough that you feel all alone and like nothing can make you happy. 

I don't think anyone knows why we get ed's.  It just seems to be something that just happens. 

Keep strong and keep fighting.  I know this is easy for me to say but I have been through what you are experiencing at the mo. 

Think about good times and try and do things that benefit you.

Take Care  

Heya sweety,

I am so sorry you are feeling like this.  You are strong and you can beat this.  Are you seeing someone for this? Or do you want to explain more?

Am here if you want to chat. I care.

take care

Big hugs

xxx

Helloooo!!!

I know the feeling! you just want to scream and scream and smash things up and break down and  hurt yourself - anything to block those feelings out.

You know you can beat this, you know it... don't let it tear you down inside!

Chat and express yourself.... to me if you will!

DON'T EVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! YOU'RE TOO GOOD!

Hannah loves you, xoxoxoxo

P.S: i love the name Roxy

ta ta!

arhh, guys thanks so much for replying. You really didn't have to cause it wasn't exactly a nice post to read, although it did put a smile on my face when i saw i had replies!

I am feeling a bit better today, sorry i was just at such a low point when i wrote that. Everything single point that all of you said makes so much sense, and even though i can see this, i don't think it applies to me. Like i don't think i will be able to get through this.

Yer i am getting help, i see so many people, CPN, Eating disorder clinic, GP and another doctor aswell. My life = appointments. I suppose it is kinda helping but i don't enjoy them, i just feel like a bit of freak show.

I wish i could see you all in person, cause i feel 'normal' on here and just wish i could feel the same away from this website. I have a sense of belonging on here and i love this feeling, and its all down to you all, so THANK YOU, you are saving me atm.

How far are you all through treatment? And how are all of you, i wanna be there for you guys too. Please let me know if u need any help

Thanks again, love Roxy xxxxxx

Heya,

We are all here for you. And it is good that you feel like we are helping. It is also good to know that you are feeling a little happier.  I know what you mean by being a freak show.  I have only just starting treatment for my ED and I have two Psychiatrists, a psychotherapist( tho on waiting list), two GP's and god knows what else.  I live in two countries hence the two lots of everything and no ED clinic coz by the time get into one I move to the other place. I am a little scared though. Is treatment ok?

Let me know how you are doing

take care

xxx

Wow, you live in two countries! Sounds cool but is it a good thing?

Yer treatments ok, i dont really like it but i no it is something i have to do....unfortunately! I wish i could do it by myself though, do it my own way, but as the professionals say my way didnt work. I just find it really hard to face up to everything and i just feel like they are analysing me the whole time. I have only been having treatment for about 4 months now so im not really that experienced!

Dont worry bout treatment hun, cause it is the best thing. It may not feel like it but it is, and is probably the only way you can be 'normal' again. Im not scared of it anymore, well not really, you just kind of get used to it. Good luck though, how are you atm?

Love Roxy xxxxx

Heya,

Live in scoland and England. Stud in Scotland family in England. Don't ask.  I am scared that I will yell and scream and give the impression that  do not want to change but  do I just don't know how or completely sure if what  am thinking about need to be thinner is wrong or not.

I am struggling and everything seems to be getting worse. not my life as such just the ED the thoughts and voice is so so strong.

how are you?

Take care

xxx

The voice is very strong with me atm too, i hate it so much :-(

I'm really not good to be honest, things have gotten too much for me. Yesterday i tried to overdose, but obviously i failed. i just wanted it to go away, but i suppose it has made things worse now.

Your thoughts are likely to get all muddled up and confusing while you are dealing with this, and it is so hard to have a clear mind. You need to try and be honest with yourself and others around you, and do your best to think straight....easier said than done.

Carry on fighting the voice, just don't give up because then it has deff won. Remember this...

'You never fail until you stop trying'

...and it is so true! Don't give up and don't let it win. It may take time to overcome it all but you will!

Hun, please take care of yourself, are you feeling any better today?

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Heya sweety,

Sorry it has got really hard.  I  was going to do the same thing as you a couplle of days ago  but I couldn't which is the first  .I am really glad that you are still here and I am glad that it failed.

Are you seeing anyone about your ED. If you are I think you should tell them about the overdose.  If not then I strongly advise you to see your GP. 

I can feel your distress and the need to get rid of all this but overdosing is not the way. I learnt that a long time ago.  How are you feeling now???

Like you said to me, 'Don't give up, you can over come this' and 'to be honest with people around you'.  I know this is really hard and life is hard but you can do this. You can keep going. I started thinking in this way...'My ED wants me to try and kill it (after all it is a fatal disease) and as I try it gets stronger and keeps nagging at me.  Now I try to remember this every time I want to overdose on paracetamol or ibroprofen.  It does help alone with the occassional thoughts of how would my family cope they would be devetated but the ED one really helps me more than the family etc... I know it sounds really bad but you need to do this for you and your ED is going to distort your thinking.

Take care of yourself, keep fighting the need to 'feed' the ED to let it win, Keep going strong.

Here if you need to talk always.

Hugs

xxxx

P.s. Have you tried the Samaratians (text, email, or phone)(I prefer txt coz you tend to get an instant response) or even talking to the beat helpline both have helped me to a certain point the rest I had to do myself.

Thanks for you help and support, i really really appreciate it, sorry for what i am about to say but i got to get it off my chest...

I feel so crap today. I have binged like there is no tomorrow and have consumed a disgusting amount of calories...it is so gross and i HATE IT    im so angry with myself that i cant stop eating.

I no it is good that it failed but i really wish i didn't, i wanna leave all of this and that is the only way i can. Yer i went to my GP today (just for a regular check up) and she found out about the o/d from my CPN, it was so embarrasing and i no i have really let them down, particulary as they are so supportive and really want me to get better. I have lost their trust completely now, which i find so annoying, but somehow it is not enough to stop me from doing it. I don't understand myself really, the last thing i want to do is hurt everyone that is helping me but part of me really doesn't care and that confuses me.

No i have never tried the helplines...i was on live chat the other day and the people on there were trying to persuade me to call them but i still didn't, i just don't have the bottle. And i wouldn't no what to say to them at all.

Your whole thinking about the ED is a good way to look at it, and i am gonna try and think about that in the future! Thanks

Im so sorry butterflies about what i have just wrote as it is hardly an encouraging or positive post (and i am also sorry to anyone else reading it) but i don't no what to do at all. Im also sorry that this post is all about me... i don't mean to be selfish. Are you feeling any better from when you were struggling a couple of days ago? I really hope you are as you deserve to be happy!

Take care,

Love Roxy xxxxx

Heya Roxy,

This message boards are for both the ups and the downs. All of us joined thesee boards because we could not cope at times of  our lifes with our ED. We post get support and then support others...then things get hard again and we post again.  It is fine to do that and I am really glad that you can talk on these boards.

I do not see your post as negative at all in fact I see is at positive (but this could be because I am studying to be a psychologist) none of it puts me down in emotion and the fact that you posted it makes you stronger and one step forward to beating your ED.

Sweety you have not let them down at all.  They are trained in ED's and know the effects that it can have. They are aware of the suicidal risks, s/h and everything else that goes with it. They do not think that you have let them down if anything you have helped them because now they know how to treat you better.  ED's are confusing to the people who are suffering from them.  You are always going to have that voice telling you the oppoosite to what you know is right but because at the  start it was right it helped you lose weight to start feeling better about yourself it becomes apart of your thoughts and now we have to try and figure out which is the right voice to follow. The stronger one (ED) or the weaker one (right one). Remember the ED voice does not care about you. It does not care if you are dead or not. The right voice is the voice that wants you to be alive to get better the one tat you hear from others around you as well as in yourself. It is the ED that is 'part of me really doesn't care and that confuses me.'

It is ok to have days where you feel like you can not cope it is the way and the out come that you deal with it that matters. The fact that your CPN no's wiv your GP means that they can help you more effectively.

Sweety at least your eating. Think about  it in that way. It might be huge amounts but you are helping yourself to survive.

Humm helplines are hard to do that is why I prefer to text. You send the first text to the Samaritans and they reply asking you questions and then you reply to the question if you do not want to answer it you tell them and divert the subject slightly. i.e 'Please help I am really strugggling with my ED and desparately want to overdose. I am scared' you do not have to say any more. That is how I started and now that Iam texting them I know that I am talking to the same person throughout the conversation and it is just a little more personal and easier to talk because you feel cared for. There number is 07725909090. You do not have to use them but I found them really useful in my own times of desparation. One time I spent all night and the following day texting them and they did not care they wanted to suport me to help me not feel how I was feeling.

I am still struggling a bit but I am coping with it. To day is my first day in a while wen I have felt ok...minus the pains that I am getting. I am just really tired.

Hope you are ok?

take care and know that you are worth something no matter what. You have not let anyone down.

Keep fighting

Am always here

xxx

Thank you butterflies, you have been such a support through this. I have not told any of my friends or family about my o/d cause i just can't bring myself to tell them how bad things really are. I have found it so valuable to be able to share this with you, just to be able to talk about it helps me come to terms with it. Even though i know i don't want to be here anymore, it still shocked me that i actually tried to end it. I mean it is one thing to think it but another to actually do it. Im really scared though cause i no im gonna do it again and i dont want to stop myself. I no this is probably the ED talking, but i have given in now. It has won cause i cant fight it.

Its like at the ED clinic the other day they listed all the things that were wrong with me, and it was never ending it was just problem after problem and i don't see how i will be able to get over one of them let alone all of them. i just wanna cry and cry and cry and get all my pain out but i never can.

Thank you for the samaritans number, and i think i will be able to text them, but do you have to pay for the texts? (sorry to sound such a cheapo just i don't have any credit atm) I wish i could have the courage to call them cause i think it would really help to talk to someone about things but o well, i suppose i just need to work with who i am.

Im sorry to here you are struggling with things, do you want to talk about it? No pressure just you have been a support to me and i want to try and support you if you ever need it. What pains are you getting, is it related to the ED? It is so worrying when i think about what we are putting our poor bodies through.

Thank you again, all your words of encouragement really mean alot and im so grateful!

Love Roxy xxxxxx

Heya

Big big big hugs.  I never told anyone in my family about my o/d's and it took a few days b4 my closest friend found out.  Your ED has not won and you can fight it.

The samaratins text is 10p per text or wot ever ur normal rate is. You can always email them at jo@samaritans .org.

Sweety you can fight this.  It is worrying that you want to do it again and I know that once you have done this once you can do it again.  Please go and see your GP you could be depressed. You need help with this.

I have never been to an ED clinic but I guess that is what they are there for to listen and to help. You are really well supported it seems whether  you feel like it or not. I wish I could take all this away from you.

It is a little difficult for me and yes the pains are to do with my ED so I just put up with them. You get used to it after a while. I just do not want to eat and yet if food is placed infront of me I cannot help it. I control it though. I try not to eat and then I feel really bad about it and it just carries on. Hard to explain really.

Just keep fighting. I am here for you.  Please do not do anything and keep posting on here. I need you and so do other people.

I am strong for this it seems it is what I do best helping other people and although I say I am worried it does not mean that you can not talk to me. I am here to help you. I just want to see you be happy and I want to help you be happy. It might not seem like it now but you can get through this. I have and I know you can.

Can you not get rid of your things that you o/d on or is it a family first aid box that they are in. If not (as in you acan not get rid of them) then try and distract yourself. Keep a diary and write all your thoughts down. Hold an ice cube or just focus on your breathe wen you want to try again. Put yourself in your room and lie on your bed. Breath focus on how you breath the rise and fall of your stomach and chest. feel your stomach fill with air and then the rise of your chest after...this might help you cry if only a little bit.  If your mind wonders to the pills then bring it back to your breath. Notice noises around you as well. Try and do this until you do not feel the urge to be so strong and more manageable.

Stay safe and take care.

Am always here taking each step with you.

Big hugs.

xxxx 

Some thing you wrote to rachel. I think that maybe you could do the same thing because it is good advice

Please try and think back to your life before the ED. You are worthwhile without it, and dont let it trick you into thinking your not. You can have a much better life without this. You said you couldn't let yourself go out with your friends, this wasn't you it was your ED. It is evil and will do anything to ruin you, but you cant let it. Try and separate yourself from it, you have a life apart from the ED, you just cant see it atm.

Take care.

xxx

P.p.s I said this to rachel but I think that is applies to you.

Sweety the ED is like a best friend who died saving you(sorry to be so morbid). You have to let her die. It will be hard to get over her death and you feel guilty because it should have been you. But you come to terms with it and you get a new best friend. I hope this makes sense. Just keep going and fight your ED with your GP, CPN and family and eventually she will die out and leave you in piece.

Gonna stop with the half a dozen post now. lol.

Let me know how you are. Always here

Care about you

xxx

Your great! You really are amazing...just wish i new you in person or that i have somebody in my life like you. It would make things alot easier.

I laughed when you copied what i had put to Rachel cause i wont allow myself to let it apply to me. When i was writing it, i was thinking you need to listen to yourself, but i never do! Its hard to explain but even though i can say it all to other people it will never be the same for me for some reason.

Again thank you for the samaritans details, i might try and contact them, you are giving me courage and i no i would not even contemplate it if it wasn't for you! 

Im really sorry about your pains, you do not deserve them at all. And the same goes for you, if i could take them away then i really would. Have you been to anyone about them cause they could be serious? And you don't want to cause anymore harm to your body.

^^^^Thank you for the bit about the ED dying, it is very true and it has helped. In fact every single thing you have said has helped and i can not tell you how much you have done for me.

THANK YOU   THANK YOU   THANK YOU

Hope your ok, i care about you too

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Heya,

I am really glad that I am helping.  I too say things and know that I should listen to them but at the same time they do not apply to me (though at the same time they do).

When oyu said that you wish thaat you had someone like me in your life it made me smile because you do have me in your life just not physically but through this forum. Talking about forums I did mention one that I thought would help you in my long post but b-eat edited it out. I can see how and why b-eat took it out of my post. To protect us I guess. In case we are not who we say we are. I am though. I am who I say I am am and my posts are genuine.

I have seen my GP ad she sed that it is because of what I am doing that is causing them + she took a blood test. She has refered me to a psyc but I still haven't heard from them. Am having to see GP next week anyway so might mention it if haven't heard by then. It's adult services for you. They sed they will take me but need my BMI and they have had that for almost a week and I still not heard from them.  Promise me that you will never start on laxatives.

I have a job interview this afternoon and I am scared that they are going to see right through me and know everything about my problems and then not want me. Thing is I am a hard worker and I have experience (and good one at that) in retail and I really want to work for this shop. My bet friend said that she had a good feeling about this interview and so does my grandma but they have to say that. (saying that my best friends feelings haven't let her down yet.).  I am hitting starvation mood I know this because I am constantly hungry and want to eat and yet I know that I must not. Gives me a sense of control. Stupid huh!!! 

Hope you are ok babes.

take Care

xxx

I no that you are in my life and i really dont want to sound ungrateful but i just wish there was someone physically here to support me. Someone that understands and doesn't judge...like you! Lol, but i can see how stupid it sounds when i read it back.

Thats a shame that it got edited but i suppose thats how these sites work. I put a chunk in about the pills etc in my last post but unfortunately it got edited too. I can understand why they took it out its just annoying cause i wanted to share it with you. o well, theres not much i can do about it.

I'm in adult services too, cause CAMHS don't want to take me on as they can't offer me long term help, fair enough really. I find with all of this you have to wait ages and ages for an appointment. I suppose its the same for all health services its just annoying cause you want the help now and dont want to wait for it to get any worse. Yer i think it is a good idea to ask and maybe chase them up just to make sure they have deff recieved your referal. Im glad they have taken your blood cause it allows you too see whether everything is ok....have you had the results yet? Good luck if you haven't.

Unfortunately i am already addicted to laxatives   And today was awful. I had a little accident (if you get what i mean) and i was at school and it went everywhere. I hate this so much, i really hope nobody noticed. Its been bad before but i have always been able to control it. Sorry for the gross topic of conversation! It still hasn't put me off from taking them again though. I hate what i am doing to myself but i cant stop it, i just cant  Sorry things are really bad for me atm. I don't think i have ever felt this low.

Ooo, the job interview sounds good, and in retail as well, i love the thought of that! They are not going to see through you, they will see you as an amazing young woman and they would be silly if they don't hire you!!

Good luck with everything, let me no how you get on,

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Heya,

You do not sound ungrateful at all or stupid. I am just glad that I can give you another side of te coin aswell as accepting what you are doing. I do not see the point in having ago at you about what you are doing because you are already doing that yourself (+ it would make me hypocritical.)

I havn't got to that stage in the laxatives yet although I am noticing that I do have to run to the loo and wen I need it I realy need it.

Lets see if this works. Think about some of these posts and what you have done to yourself . This might help you guess the bit that was edited but I do not know. it is cryptic and you have told me a lot so it is up to you to work out which bit I am talking about.

I know how you are feeling when you say you want to stop but can't. I am here to support you but you need to try. though when you do stop you will need to keep using them to keep you going to the loo. Just not the amount that you are taking.  It is ok to be really low that is the ED. You are doing so so so well sweetheart I just wish I could stop you but I know it is not that easy.  I too want to stop but I can't .

What did the school do. I hope that they are trying to help you aswell.

Just remember that things will get better. That this lowness will lift. No this is impossible to see at the moment but it will. Please trust me on this one. It might take a day to lift or a week but you are strong enough not to act on it. Hunny have you tried the Samaritans yet?

My interview was a bit wied and I do not think that I have got the job...she was given mixed signals though. Will find out this evening. Am spending the day looking after a 1half years old baby today. This should be interesting coz not feeling to good myself today but it is money.

I really hope you can talk to your team about all this. I care about you so much I just wish I could help or wave a magic wand to make it all better.

Please take care.

Hugs

xxx

P.s.

Sorry about the interview, but you never no what will happen! You probably won't get this before you find out but GOOD LUCK anyway. I babysit aswell but my children are a little older than 1 1/2 years...thank god! i dont think i could cope with a child that young. I too love the money part of it tho.

I can sort of talk to the team about it all, but i am so worried that they will put me in hospital so i hold back a bit. I no its bad but i cant stop myself.

Sorry it is a short post, but i am just so confused about everything, take care too

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Heya,

 Did n't get the job. But i really don't care about it. Didn't like the interviewer she seem ed a little nasty...you know the type nice to your face but not when you back is turned.

Had enough of those people.

xxx

Hunni, i am so sorry but pratically all of my last post got edited  im really upset

Im really sorry about the job, but if you didn't like the interviewer then it is probably for the best. You want to work with people who get on with, otherwise it will cause you even more stress and wont be any fun at all.

I tried texting the samaritans the other day. It was nice to no that i have someone to talk to what ever time, day or night. I was still texting them at 3 in the morning! But i am feeling so suicidal and just so so down.

 I feel so guilty that i have been whittering on with my problems when you have been through what you have. My problems are nothing compared to yours and i am sorry for being so selfish. I am crying as i sit here typing this because i don't understand how things like that can happen to such wonderful people like you.

I am always here for you and i admire you so much for being strong and supporting me. Thank you, i really hope your ok

Lots and lots of love Roxy xxxxx

Heya sweety,

Please do not cry. It happened  a long time ago and yes I am still affected by it. I do not often talk about it though because people often start to judge or think I cannot cope and so hand back on me. It is really good that you found me though...on the other thing that tried to get through to you. Wasn't sure if B-eat would aloow it and I guess they didn't from what you have said. Oh well. A personal apology...I AM REALLY SORRY B-EAT.  I was only tring to help. I love this site it has really helped me but sometimes I am unable to write what I want to incase it gets edited. Sometimes it is those things that is making me worse and my eating gets a lot worse so I use the other site to let it all out.

Please keep what you have learnt about me from this site. This site is strictly for Eating Disorders and I really want it to stay that way for me. Please do not judge me either. I love helping and supporting everyone on here. It helps me aswell  as helping other people.

It is so good that you texted the Samaratins and that they helped you. They are always there in my times of need. I hope that you find it easier to text them agin next time you need them.

Every problem seems worse than others but sweety I do not think that any of us would be suffering from a ED for no reason. It stems form something and the fact that we have reacted to that something makes us all the same. In other words no problem is worse than someone elses. Not in my eyes anyway. It is up to theat person to disclose that information though.

I am So so so so sorry that I made you cry. People say that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time but it is other reasons as well. I am not going to discuss this on here though.

I really hope that you do not clam up on me like other people do when they find out. I am here to support you no matter what.

I am ok struggling a bit Laxative use has gone up but that is because I am losing hope of gaining proffessional help down here for it and that I wish that It would come soon. It is all just a waiting game.

Hope you are ok.

take care

Always here

xxxx

Hun, please do not apologise for making me cry, it is a natural reaction to that sort of news and it is not your fault at all.

Also it is not your fault about the whole editing mix up. You just did what you thought would help me (and it has) and so im sure Beat will not be cross with you, and you will not get into trouble. The mistake was not down to you so you cannot blame yourself for it and Beat cannot blame you for it either. The whole point of this site is to support other people, and you supported me. I can completely understand why Beat edited it out .

Hun, i am not going to judge you at all, and i am not going to clam up on you. If you are sure you want to continue to support me then i will let you. But promise me you will tell me if you don't want to help me anymore....i will understand.

As you no i can't really say much about the laxatives. Its a tough one cause i no how addictive they are. Maybe you could just slowly decrease it, just say by one at first and see how you go. Im really sorry but i don't really have any suggestions.

Dont worry hun, everything i have learnt i will keep to myself. So please please do not worry about that. You can trust me.

Hope your ok

Love Roxy xxxxx

Heya

sweety, of course I want to keep supporting you. I haven't let you down yet have I?  I am stronger than people think and I am starting to acept my past as of it. I am strong enough to help you and to take on anything you want to tell me.

I am always going to be here to support you. That is never going to change.  I do not give up on people once I have met them unless they do not want me around or I feel like that. Please do not worry about me. I will promise that I will try to let you know if I am struggling a bit with things that are just not about my ED. Tough admitting that I am struggling is hard for me to do.  I will let you support me as and when you can cope but you need to let me know. As far as I am concrened (and this might sound strnage) I come last my problems come last to other peoples. I will let you into a little secret though. (doesn't often happen) but I post quite long posts to you and and couple of other people. I posted a small post once and someone picked up on it asking  if my post just got edited or if something was wrong. Also some people can tell through the way I write or talk if something is wrong.

It is understandable why b-eat tries to delete these things and I feared that I may have broken a rule of this board or something...hence the public apology. It really was not my place to tell you about the *.

You can trust me too.

How are you? I am good excpt for the laxatives.lol. ED's always seem to spoil things

Take Care

You can talk to me anytime you know where I am. just keep post.

xxx

urgh I feel like a * just eaten * .

To be honest, (as usual) i am not great  I didn't s/h yesterday so i suppose thats good but i really have the urge to now,So that means any achievement from yesterday has now been another failure.

Sorry i am in a real 'feel sorry for yourself' mood tonight, so i will probably just be babbling on about how pathetic i am and how much i hate my life, but take no notice, i just hope it will get better tomorrow.

I have binged/purged so many times today, and now my throat is sore and i feel so c***.  And im gonna have put on even more weight tomorrow because i have eaten so much. urghhhh  im just so angry with myself for giving into binging. but now i am home alone and so i cannot resist the food. Its just screaming at me from inside the cupboards, saying 'eat me!!'

I was meant to be seeing some friends tonight, but i made up some excuse to get me out of it. i just couldn't face it. Everyone says to me that i am just isolating myself but i cannot stop myself from doing it. I would rather be by myself, even if that does mean eating. I no that they are so close to giving up on me, and i don't blame them. They don't care about me anymore and they can't deal with my different moods. I just wish everything could be simple and they could understand what i am going through, but i no they never will.

Right well thats enough about me....now onto you!

Yes ED's are just one big spoiler, but i am glad you are good (minus the laxatives).  Have you got the results from the blood test that you had done a few days ago, and have they got to the bottom of the stomach pains? I really hope they are treating you well and that they are taking this seriously with you. Oh and have you heard from the psyc yet? Sorry about all of the questions and don't feel as though you need to answer them if you dont want to!

I think it is important to recognise that everything that has happened has made you the person you are today. Even though you are still going through some problems you have become an amazing person and you wouldn't want to change that. (i hope you get what i mean?)

Hun i think it is great to put people's problems before your own, but promise me that you will look after yourself. Your main priority has to be yourself, and nobody would think any the less of you if this was the case. You need to concentrate on getting yourself better first and then worry about us!

Yer i read your short post and i too thought a bit had got edited! Thats just because you always write such long posts and i love you for that and its great to no that you have put your time and effort into helping myself and others. You comment on so many peoples posts and you always give such good advice and support, you have a very big heart!

Hun, its a difficult one about the whole editing mix up. But dont beat yourself up over it. It has happened now, and Beat will no you were only trying to support me, im sure everything will be fine!

Take Care, i hope your feeling ok

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Heya,

Sorry the last bit of post was an add on to the one before.  It actually ended up not to be true as starved self on sat and then ate loads on sun. I just can't get it right.

Ok it is only a failure if you actually SH and even then it is not a failure. It is just a set back that you can over come. You are also not pathetic. I do not think your friends are giving up oon you I just think that they may not know how they can help you and suport you and this is difficult when you see someone suffering as much as you are to help them. That is why these boards are so good. They do care about you they just do not know how to show it how to react around you incase they become the cause for your next cycle which as you and I know this is not true. They need to be told and helped to help you. I would speak to your closest friend and explain how you feel and see what she says. Then between you you can sort out a plan for them to help you...like not talking no for an answer when you are ment to be going out with them. Even if you only went for an hour and you stil didn't like it then you can  go back home. Sometimes going out and having fun helps.

Right the questions about me. Lets answer them one at a time.lol.

No I have not got the blood test results back that was taken 3 weeks ago but if they were a prob then GP would have called me like she said she would.  I am seeing her on thurs anyway, but think have told you that...yeah?

Stomach pains are coz of laxatives use.

I haven't heard from psyc yet either...so the statement I hope they are taking you seriously I am in two minds about.

I can't promise to look after myself. Like you I od not make promises I cannot keep. Anyway I like worrying about other people that is my job (a job I coincidently have made up).

I can't stop crying.  I seem to cry at the most ridculous of things as well. stuff like not being able to work or going out babysitting or I cry at posts even if the are really positive and not to be cried at. I cry at eating or not eating.  I cry at night when I can't sleep or because I can't do something right, or if I know that I am right about something but no1 believes me. Was close to SH last night just to gain control of crying to be able to feel again. May sound strange but even though I am crying I feel really numb as if I have no emotions or anything. It is just stupid.

Any way enough about me.

I really hope that you are ok. You know where to find me. so keep posting and I will reply. Thank you for your support.

Take Care

xxx

Hey,

I do no that i need to get out of the house, i can feel myself shutting the doors to the outside world. The only time i venture out is when i go to college or for my millions of appointments. And even then i think i have mini panic attacks. I don't no whether i am being dramatic , but i actually feel like i cant breathe, it is horrible and so i pratically run home  i also get pains in my heart area, im scared of what i am doing to myself.

Lol, really sorry about all of the questions but i just wanted to no how you are doing, like medically wise (i hope you dont think im being nosey, i just care about you)

Yer i agree i think your GP would have called if there was a problem, so it probably came back as ok, which is good! Yer you did tell me about your appointment on thurs, but i dont mind hearing it again

When you say psyc is that a psychologist cause i  swear i have been on the waiting list to see one of those for like 2 months. Maybe they just have extremely long waiting lists. Im sure they are taking you seriously i just think everything takes a long time. Like they actually have to recieve the referral letter, then you have to get to the top of the list, then they have to process details, then they have to book an appointment for you, then they have to send you a letter, etc etc etc! Takes ageeesss and it really is so annoying cause you want the help now. I hope you hear from them soon.

Ok, i no you cannot promise to look after yourself, but try too, please, i really would not be able to do this without you.

It is good to cry, it will let all the bad emotions out. You are probably quite sensitive at the moment anyway so that is why you are crying so much. You are going through alot so it is understandable. It does not make you a weak person so dont be ashamed of crying. Hun please dont get into s/h. Have you done it before? It is so addictive and just another problem that you will need to overcome. I take it that you didn't tho?

I hope your ok, take care

Love Roxy xxxxxxxxx

Heya,

Np about being noisey sometimes I need questions to answer for people to know about me. I don't like sayihng much incase I bore people with myself and that people just listen for the sake of it.

My GP asked for an urgent referal to a psychiatrist, they said that they would take me but they just needed to know my BMI which I went in and gave the doctors to send off for them.

I have self harmed before I am a self harmer. Still am I guess being doing it since age of 13 stopped for 10 months til I started 1st yr at uni. . I recently stopped as ED developed more but it doesn't stop the urge to.  SH til bout Feb/march time this year . But no I have yet to SH still.

Pains in your heart isn't good sweety maybe you should mention it 2mo at the ED clinic or to your GP?

Sorry I can't say much more not happy at the moment. Sorry.

Take care

hugs

xxx

Hey,

Gosh it feels good to be back on this site!

You will never ever bore me, im being serious, i really care about you.

It's so good you have resisted S/H...that is a great achievement. It is so hard to overcome the urge, i no but it feels so good if you can resist it.

Yer i no pains in the heart isn't good, but i don't no whether it is serious enough. Like i don't see how what i am doing will cause these pains. I think they will probably just laugh at me, and think i am just being stupid. Due to me forgetting appointments and stuff i haven't seen anyone for ages. I need to call my CPN to book an appointment but i can't build up the courage to, im so pathetic.

Urghh, binged so much today..already... its only like 12 o clock. Spent my whole day on the loo as well (if you get what i mean!) I couldn't go into school because of it....its so bad

How are you today? i hope your feeling better. Everyone has bad days/weeks but it will get better, just believe that you will get through this bad patch.

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Heya,

I am ok today have jut been offered a job I start wednesday. Sorry about the school thing. I do get what you mean. It is really not good but I can't say anything.

You are not pathetic. It does and is difficult to ask for help. Your CPN will be pleased to see you and hear from you.

Let her help you.

Do not really know what to say, cept have a job that is full time which will mean I am not likely to get to ED unit at all.

How are you

Hugs

xxx

O hunni, i can tell that you are really down atm, i cannot tell you how much i hope things start to improve for you soon. You really do not deserve to feel like this.

I am SO pleased about the job, that is great! Can you say on here what it is? It may help you to take your mind of things. Im sure you will be able to get to the ED unit, the ED is just trying to make up an excuse for you to get out of it....but don't let it. You need the ED unit to help you to get better. Please don't chuck this opportunity away because the ED will only get worse. You have to face it at some point.

Can you not say to your new manager that you need regular appointments with a physio or something? Just an idea but surely they have to give you time off work for that. Also the ED unit will be able to fit appointments around you. They are not just going to not except you because you work full time. Im sure that many of their patients work but they manage to get around that one. You can too!!

Please stay strong,

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

P.s  im sending you positive vibes !!  (i hope you recieve them and that you start to feel better)

ED unit will not accept me. But you will already know this.

I am working as an administrator for a department of homless prevention in my area.

I am so alone.

Hows you u ok?

xxx

YOU ARE NOT ALONE BECAUSE YOU HAVE ME!  i no it is not the same as someone to be with you in real life, but i will always be here for you. Whenever you need anything...help/support/just someone to listen/someone to rant to etc, i am always here.

I have already sent you a message on the other site about how upset i am that they will not accept you. I cannot believe that they are denying treatment to someone who needs it so badly. It is just so wrong. You have probably already read this but you need to talk to your GP so she can contact the clinic again. You just have to, you cannot give up.

Oo, btw your job sounds interesting. You are amazing, you just help so many people on here and now you are doing it as a job as well. We are so so lucky to have you!

Im not too bad, im a little lost at the moment with everything. Slightly confused. My friends are completly ignoring me now, i just don't no what to do. I really want to leave the college i am at, but i couldn't face going to another one.

Sometimes i just want to scream at them, and let them know how much they are hurting me. I just wish they knew what i am going through....o well

Please take care

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

heya sweety,

Why are your friends ignoring you? the strongest of people are lose who do not care what others think of them who are secure in them self and laugh at others who put them down. Not something that is easy to do.  Maybe you should try and talk to your friends. Let them know how you are feeling. It might help. hugs babes...I am really sorry to hear that college aint all it is cracked up to be or was.

Lol. It is what I do help others...I treat others how I want to be treated like that is happening. well it is in a way, you, and others on sf and on here.

Hope you are ok.

hugs

xxx

I think my friends have just had enough of me. They can't stand the fact that i don't talk to them at lunchtime (because i just cant face that situation.) The thing is, is that it is my fault cause i am isolating myself. I no that i am, but i cant stop myself.

I am losing everyone because of this  there is no point anymore. I cannot give this up, it is not going to let go of its hold on me. I know what i am going to turn to (you do to) i want to stop myself, but i don't know whether i can. I just want it to be over.

Anyway, i no i have said this before...but....

You need to look after yourself first, and then look after us!

Seriously hun, be selfish for once! Not that i don't want your support or anything just i cannot tell you how much i want you to get better.

Im really tired now, but i don't think i will get to sleep tonight. Hope you have a good day at work tomorrow and that it all goes well

 Big smiles to you!

Love Roxy xxxxxxxxxxx

Heya,

I want you to get better too.  Ty and join them for lunch and try to eat aa tiny bit e ven if it is only just a snack.

Work is great. It keeps me busy there is  so much to do but when I stop my thoughts are filled with food and how bad it is and wondering and counting calories. I have just given up with it. I canna help it it is completely controlling me. Work is amazing though. The energy I have left though is just used up in the first 4 hours of work and I struggle to keep myself going because get so tired but I am coping with it by pushing self...but then I feel bad because then I do not have the energy to play or take notice of my little brother and it breaks my heart.

Hate this.

Hope you are ok

take care

hugs

xxxxx

Im so glad that you are enjoying work!

I understand how hard it is for you with the energy side of things. I mean the way to fix it is obviously to eat something but i know it really is not that simple. If it was, then we would all get better so easily.

Maybe you could try *  or something like that. I know it doesn't solve the problem but it might just help for a little bit?? I dunno its just a suggestion, im really trying to think of ways of helping you. Also something like * i know can give you energy.

Im sure that you body will learn to cope with the new strains that your job brings to you. It is probably just a bit of a shock to the system at the moment but things will get better with it. How old is your little brother? Is he old enough to understand what you are going through?

I hate this too, but we are both still here and that is such an achievement! You must recognise that, no matter how hard things have got for you over the past few weeks you are still here and you are still battling with it. You cannot give up.

Really hope your ok,

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

Heya,

That is annoying that they have deleted the food stuff out. 

My younger brother is 7 so no nt really. my other one is 15. Neither of them know about my illness.  The 7 yr old has got really attatched to me wont let me leave the house without him or anything. It is really hard when  this happens.

I replied to the one on sf so you will get the jist of how I am. In short I am doing ok Had a really bad night last night and had no one except S to talk to but it wasn't fair on her or anyone it that way. I was determined. I am good now though.

Hows you?

hug

xxx

Lol, i didnt think they would delete that because it wasn't that specific!

That must be hard with your brother, i suppose he looks up to you more as a mother figure rather than a sister because there is quite a big age gap? Neither of my siblings no either but i quite like it that way otherwise there would be more eyes on me.

Even though you had a bad night, you are still here and that just shows how strong you are. Im glad that your better now

Im ok, had another bad day at school but that was expected. I saw my GP this morning and she was happy that my mood had lifted, but i may have told her a little lie so that i told here what she wanted to hear. I feel very ashamed of myself now though but i just wanted to get them off my back for a bit

I hate myself so much, i am such a horrible person for doing that, and now their going to stop helping me so much and then i am going to do something stupid, eg o/d. O dear what have i done. That lie may have just cost me my life....go Roxy

Sorry don't feel as though you have to reply to that ^^^^. Just stuff that was on my mind and needed to get it out.

I really hope you ok,

Love Roxy xxxxxx

Heya,

Peoples moods always change. You seeing the GP again? They will know that you do not just feel ok just like that they will still want to keep seeing you until you are/they feel that you are safe and ok.  It is ok to want a break but it needs to be controlled. It will not have cost you ur life...not while I am here. If you want to takl more then you know where t find me.

I am going back downhill again. I have decided that I can't do this but that I will still help others. I am still strong enough to.

TC

xxx

Hey,

Gosh it feels like i havn't spoken to you in ages!

Hunni i don't want you to feel down, i want to take all this pain away from you and make you feel better, but i know that i cant and that is so upsetting. Bad things happend to good people, and this is certainly the case here. You do not deserve it at all, it is just so unfair.

O yer i am seeing the GP again, next week in fact, but im so worried that they will release their hold on me now.

Hunni i no your not going to believe me and this is probably not going to help you but you can do this! You have not given up so far so don't give up now. As you said to me, peoples mood changes, and yours is just on a downer at the moment. BUT it will change and get better. If you think about it really hard you no it will, just you don't want to believe this.

Thanks for your offer of support, but i want you to get better. I don't care about me, i want you to get through this.

Please take care,

Love Roxy xxxxxxxxxx

Sweetheart

I am getting my self better and I can help you at the same time. I am here. If I couldn't I would have told you by now.

I am really tired and am babysitting tonight. not feeling to great either but hey. I am doing ok work is keeping me busy and that is good.

Seeing the GP next thursday canna wiat feel the need to see her and talk. :(

need some help from her...only she knows what kinda help I will need.

Hope you are ok...Am always here for you!

Take care

xxx

Hey,

how are you doing? Have you had a good weekend?

I had a really good day yesterday and it made me feel so good, but not feeling so good today. Saw my GP this morning and i get the feeling that they dont no what to try next with me. They dont no where to go now. It upsets me and i cant help but blame myself.

Could you ask to see your GP more regularly than you are cause it seems like you need her help. I know that it seems like a long wait until thursday but its not that long now, you can do it!

How did babysitting go, and how is work atm?

Take care,

Love Roxy xxxxxx

hey

work is ok thanks.

Thursday not coming quick enough.

How are you? Sorry about the doctors. Sometimes they can't do anything. Keep telling them that you are willing to keep fighting otherwise they will keep giving up.

love

xxxxxxxxxxx