Intro/ coping.

Heya,

Exams are stressful and unfortuanatly they can set off binges and make ED's a lot worse.  Have you been to a gp? Either the one at home or at the uni but I guess if it is your finals the one at home would be better to approach. Oh I don't no it depends how close to home you are.  I am not doing my finals but I am at uni and just sat a load of exams.  I did it the un healthy way and let the ED take over to a certain point when I tried and somehow manage to train my mind on focusing on revision how I managed that though I am not entirely sure.  I guess I reversed how I saw food. Instead of it as a punishment I told myself if I did this amount of revision then I can have this to eat. 

But then  again now I am at home my ED has spiralled out of control. Sorry it is all I can suggest as it seems to me that you have been doing all the right things so far.

Let me know how it is going.

Take care

hugs

xxx

Hi,

I think you should speak to a counsellor on site, as this is free to do and confidential, and they will be able to help you and guide you, and offer you further sources of support. Are you registered with a gp because you could also go and see them to see what they suggest?

I also binge eat a lot. I have been binge eating for the past week and a half, with only one day of not binge eating, and i know that i have put on loads of weight, so i would say that i am in a similar situation as you with the binge eating, so i would be happy to talk to you. *hugs*

It just takes over your life so much, and it has wrecked my revision because i'm either busy with food or thinking about food when i am restricting, so it is horrible for me as well.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey, thanks 4 the replies, it's really nice to know that there are ppl out there who understand. I went to a GP about 1y 1/2 ago, I said what was wrong but I'm such a good actress and then just clam up completely. All anyone can do is advise and I no its up to me really, and the idea of counselling- firstly it makes it more final, and secondly i no it wld make me feel under real scrutiny and even more pressure. Have either of u seen anyone? To butterflies, it's exactly the same wiv me, the change of environment or routine kicks everything off- things just have to run in a set way, and I need distractions so I don't think about food. It's taken 2wks but I've got a strategy like u suggested now, prob is it's extreme, but I don't even want to eat loads. It's like a sense of accomplishment. I hope ur ok, keep me posted on how u r. wen r ur results btw? To lillies- i no it really sucks. wen i started it was just bingeing occasionally, then purging added in followed by restrictive eating inbetween, now just restrictive eating mostly. wen r ur exams btw? try to stay positive- the end result is well worth the effort and well worth focusing on- i'm thinking of u, let me no how it all goes. aml 

Heya,

Yeah I clam u to.  I went to see my gp a couple of days ago about getting help with my ED.  I knew that I would not talk and clam up and pretend nothing is wrong,even though I trust her, so I wrote everything down and gave it to her.  She used the info I gave her and took bloods and arranged a referal to a psychiatrist down here.  No questions from her asked.  A good counsellor, therapist, or psychiatrist should go at your pace and work with you to find ideas on how to help you rather than work against you. If something doesn't work they should adapt it. 

I am terrified of getting help with my ED the loss of control mainly as wel as the fact tat part of me deos not want to get better. I am trying to hold on to the bit that does. My ED occured because of something else and I was told that I can not get rid of the ED until I have sorted out the other problem so I have to work on them together.

My results are out now. Got the last (and correct lot) today. I have passed my 1st year of uni which is good considering it turned out that a wrong grade was given meaning that a module that was originally a fail is now a pass. Although it caused havoc with my eating as I felt I needed to be punished.

Hope you are doing ok??? Try going back to the GP but write things down instead and explain on paper that you may seem and pretend that nothing is wrong but that is not true. Putting it all in words may help. + if the gp wrote a referal letter they have something to include in the letter that you have writern so the person who does the referal is even more aware of how you act and give you a fairer chance.

Take care

Here if you want to chat.

xxx

Well done that's really good- so pleased u passed your exams!  Mine are so manic- somehow I have to get through every domestic species that isn't dogs and cats in the next 2wks plus drugs, electives & anaesthesia. ahhh! However from the ED point of view that's a really good thing cos I'm totally distracted from food and feel quite positive at the mo. You're a total inspiration and full of good advice, and just seem so corageous. Thank you so much. By the way that you write I know you'll manage to let go of the ED, you're definitely on the right path. Likewise, I'm here for you too. stay positive, aml and take care :) 

Heya,

You sound more positive which is really good.  Thanks for the compliment.  I try but sometimes it does not always sound right or go to plan. 

Am finding things a bit difficult at the moment but I am trying.

How are things for you?  Are you planning on going back to your gp?

Take care. And well done for keeping the fight up with your ED.

Xxx

It's really hard being back at home, you're right. How does it feel, really? If I can guess, lonely?? and scary cos even though the EDs not gone at uni, it's not the place where either subconsciously or consciously you associate with all the emotions that started the ED in the first place, and plus it's really difficult when your parents are there too. Even though it may feel lonely and that itself can make you down, you are not alone. Do you know how soon your appointments are going to start up? Have you got anything good planned for the summer, sth to work towards and to stay healthy for?? I'm meant to be horse-trekking in Peru in August, at altitude though. I may go see my GP after my exams although Iike you I'm not sure I'm ready to let go either, but at least I should get a blood test done and my BP, though I know it's low already and that I'm probably anaemic, which is bad considering all the signs of altitude sickness are lethargy and dizziness. Have started taking supplements though so at least that's going in. My weight has dropped a bit over the last week, but I haven't purged once- that's what I hate the most and long may that have stopped. I know I'm strong enough to stop at least that one thing, it's a start. Look at me babbling on, I should so be studying. Really let me know how your feeling about stuff, I'm always here for you, aml

heya,

We all 'babble'. cept it is not really babbling.  It is good that you are planning on going to the gp after your exams although I hope it is not too long away.   Well done for trying not to purge and suceeding this week that is really good.

I have been asked to go back so I can get my BMI thing. The referal has been accepted but they want my BMI before they offer me an appointment.  I am really scared. This is worse than going to uni for the first time. I am absolutely terrified.  I am so scared to  get the help I need mum found out today (mainly coz gp never phones home) ans hates the fact that I am ill and lied to her. She was wanting a time scale but I did not answer her because I do not know as I do not know how long it is going to take. 

She also decided that my doctor told me to tell her which in this case is not true. I told her on my own accord. I am annoyed with her coz she got annoyed with me which I guess is not fair because this is neither of our fault.

I don't know. Jut waiting on an app time.  Do not want to let go but I guess that is because I do not know how without picking up another habit.  It is scary to let go but if you do not know how then I guess that is alright. That is what the proffessionals are there for.

Take care and good luck in your exams and studying.

Let me know how it is going

xxx

Hi,

I'm sorry it took me a long time to reply, but my mum has had an injury and i've been having to help around the house.

Are you doing okay? Are you training to be a vet? That sounds like such a rewarding job :)

I see my school nurse once a week and a counsellor once a week, so two people twice a week normally, mostly for depression. My ED comes and goes, and they don't like me mentioning it for some reason. It gets pushed to the side even though i try to mention it.

My exams are over now - yay! I think i've done really badly though. I couldn't concentrate at all.

Butterflies - I am so pleased that you have got some help - well done *hugs*. I know how much courage it takes and i am so proud of you. I hope you don't mind me saying.

Hope you are both doing okay,

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Heya,

Thank you lillies. I am so scared at the moment.  I had 6 years trying to get help for my ED I went to everyone proffessional that I could. It is only now htat someone is taken me seriously.

Sorry for short post...

I have to go to get weighed which is really stupid coz I am normal weight. But I am terrified of what the scales say.

Take care let us no how you are getting on.

xxx

hey sweetheart,

this is a great place to come for support - everyone is absolutely lovely =)

let me know how things are going,

take care beautiful,

lexy -xxx-

Well done for telling your mum. Hopefully it will make things easier not having to hide it all so much, and when she finally comes to accept it hopefully she'll be able to support you through it. I guess it's really hard for her cos no-one wants to see anyone they love going through so much pain, but I reckon she'll be really proud that you're forward thinking enough to do something about it. I don't know how much she knows about it but maybe download some information for her or sth so that she can try to understand it all a bit more?? The problem is there is no time scale- you can't possibly know, it takes as long as it takes but as long as the will is there, so is the solution. I guess what I'm saying is it took you time to accept it, the same will hold true for your mum though it may be more difficult cos if its sth you haven't gone through yourself the understanding is harder. The BMI thing is hard though you probably know it already it's just letting other ppl in on it, and a different set of scales is always tough. Good luck, let me know how it all goes.

Hey lillies, so sorry about your mum, is she ok? Yeah i'm training to be a vet for all my sins, sld hopefully be all over in 3/4wks- yay. It's been a really intensive few years. How are you?? I'm doing ok at the moment thank you.

aml both of you, Adelex/x

Heya,

I have lost a lot of weight.  Some people that I have spoken to have said that they are not sure that losing that much weight in a week and a half is healthy.   I am still within my BMI I am in the middle of it. But this does not feel enough for me.  I do not know if I can change my ways or thoughts about what I am doing. Does anyone one know how much a normal person is meant to lose in a week if they are just on a plain diet?

Mum is being normal around me now and I guess this will not change until one of us dies.

take care and keep going on with the vet course. It sounds interesting but not something I could do myself.

Let me know how you are

xxx

I don't really know what sort of figure is healthy but I do know that if you lose too much too quickly then your body goes into starvation mode, your metabolism slows and what started off as a diet doesn't work at all.  you are within their BMI/ weight range then NO weight loss is needed. I guess the problem with you and I is that it's addictive. In reality we know where the limit should be, but once you're there the boundaries change. It's a deceptive measure of success and of appearance. I know that, but you're so right changing your mind is the hard part, changing your thoughts takes time and won't happen overnight. The main thing is that you want to change, I know you can. Just be patient with it, you've started the process and things can only get better :). Is 'normal' a good thing for your mum? It sounds maybe not so?? I'm ok thanks hun, prob is now that I've got so much control over what I'm eating that it's excessive but I feel ok physically for the moment and am able to study and to ride fine.

aml Adelex/x  

Hi,

Studying to be a vet sounds really interesting - someone i know wants to be a vet, and she is really good with animals and has lots of work experience, so hopefully she will get into the uni she wants to go to.

Butterflies - I am sorry that you have lost a lot of weight - please try not to lose any more, but i know how hard this is and how addictive weight loss is. But please try and be sensible with what you are eating, otherwise like adelesj said, your body will go into starvation mode, and then when you start eating better again, you will actually put on more weight than what you were to begin with.

I'm not doing too good at the moment - binge ate badly today.

take care both of you,

-xxx- lillies

Heya, I guess normal is what I want from my mum atm. I just do not know what am doing. I am just so confused with my life and so addicted to my ED. it is a comfort thing.

If you feel physically ok then I guess it is ok but please try and control it know it is hard but b/p is not good for your health and is doing more damage to your insides than you probably realise.

Take care and at any sign of not feeling right...get urself to gp.

Hope you are ok and that your finals are not bringing you down.

xxx

Hey lillies, that's really rubbish for you. do you know what started it all off? Maybe if you can work out the cause you can start to work out how to prevent it all? I know that a lot of mine has come from pressure, being let down by a lot of ppl, and just sensing that I'm not good enough and that I have to conform. Actually you don't. I don't know how many ppl know about ur ED but I don't talk about mine to anyone, but what I've found helps a bit is to tell ppl if they've upset you. It's not a very good example, but say I've been competing and have done well, some1 will say oh didn't he (my horse) do well. I'm ultra sensitive, that sort of comment doesn't probably even mean anything but I just reply sth like- yeah he was amazing but its 50:50 effort u no. Or if some1 says sth mean, I just say there's no need to be like that. Do you get where I'm coming from or have I totally confused you? I think I've confused myself, cld even be well off the mark?? If ur friend needs any entrance advice just ask, but all she/he needs to do is be themselves cos the interviewers just want to see that u can integrate into that environment and do well there.

Butterflies, I'm glad ur mum is being normal but I guess u kinda want some recognition too that what u told her has sunk in so that she can support you. I really hope that she can. Do u no what you're confused about, how it's comforting u? You definitely have direction and sth to focus on with ur degree and ur moving on wiv ur life and progressing wiv each day that passes even if it doesn't feel that way at the mo. How's it all been today?? I know you can beat this. aml

Heya lillies,

Sorry just seen your post.  It is hard not to want to lose more weight. I feel lighter and more energetic but I know deep down that this will not always be the case.

I used to yo yo diet in the early days and this is prob part of  the reason why I have gone into an ED (amoungst other reasons) because everytime I started eating I put on weight and didn't like it. It is hard and I am not using this as an excuse. I just as addicted to this as everyone else is. It is more about control for me...being able to lose weight and deciding what I eat and when I eat it.

Any way hope you are both ok

xxx

Hi,

How is everyone doing?

I'm not sure what started it all off. When i was discharged from hospital, last october, my binge eating started then and gradually got worse and some days i eat twice the RDA for what i'm supposed to eat.

My mum and i are growing apart, and she said all this stuff the other day about how she feels that i don't want to get better and how i am being selfish, and how eveyone is trying to help me so why don't i get better etc? And it has upset me a lot :(

How is the vet training going?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Aww sweetheart,

You mum doesn't like to see you like this and hates the fact that she cannot do anything about it.

When my mum found out about me she said the same things to me.  Try to remember that she is angry at  herself and not you.

I know it is hard to hear all that though. It does put you down but you are getting better. You are trying so hard.

Keep going

take care

xxx

Hey lillies. It's really hard to understand when you're not there yourself, it's not exactly like you can go cold turkey and avoid food altogether to get better like with drugs or alcohol. Of course you want to get better cos all this is really painful, and stressful and really complete mental anguish, and to think of life free from it i.e. back to how it was before all this started, would be amazing. However letting go of sth that is kind of like a coping mechanism is tough, and I suppose the challenge is to try and find another strategy. Try not to get too upset, although being upset in itself is a good thing because it shows that you care. It's difficult if you've got loads of stuff to do, but have you tried dissociating yourself from the house or the situation when you feel a binge coming on? Maybe go for a walk or phone up a friend for a chat. Sometimes it will work, sometimes it won't but if you can stop even just one doing that it's progress. Your mum's just really worried about you, if she didn't care she wld ignore everything that's going on. I know what she said hurts but take some comfort from the fact that she cares enough about you to say that, to be honest with her feelings.

I have one more week of study leave then finals yikes!! I had a really rough weekend though with the ED but I vow not to let it destroy the last 5 years, there is no way on this planet that I am putting myself through resits and completely ruining the summer. hope you feel better, aml Adelex/x  

Hi,

What do 'aml' and 'sth' stand for? Sorry i don't know, i'm not up to date with the latest shorthand words.

I'm sure you will do fine in your finals, you are obviously very clever and i'm sure you will make a great vet *hugs*

I have such a bad headache....and yet i have all this depressing music on full blast. It's because i'm punishing myself.

I have put on such a front today in front of my mum, because she told me some good news and i had to act all happy and excited like she expected me to be :(

How is everyone doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

p.s, butterflies - i think my mum is angry at herself, but i also think she is angry at me for not trying to get better.

Heya,

Just wanted to say good luck with next week.  Your strength to get through it is really encouraging. 

Lillies I posted on your other post so please do not think that I am ignoring you.

Hope you both are ok.

Take care

xxx

Hey. sth is short for something and aml for all my love. I'm afraid it's all lazy vet shorthand. lol. chin up lillies, tomorrow is a new day. was your mum's news anything good? what've you got planned for the next few weeks, anything to focus on? try and pick yourself up again, I know you can :) 

Thanks for the good luck butterflies, hopefully it will all be worth it. how are you? aml

Heya,

You see the thing is that you are trying to get better. This just doesn't happen over night. I no someone who had an ED and it took her 10years to be able to wake up and not think about food first thing and get herself back on track. Remember there is no time scale.

I am struggling a bit but I am doing ok.

Take care.

xxx

Hey guys, was just reading your posts, you all sound really strong and well done for coming so far even if it doesn't seem it.

Butterflies, you asked about normal weight and BMI. If your doc just uses your weight and height then the BMI doesn't take into account muscularity and individual body types etc so it's not the be all and end all. It's just a method practictioners can use to get an indication of how your height and weight measures in comparison to the average human but I do'nt think it's anything you should worry about because everyone is different, you can have two people who are both 5ft2 and could weigh compeltely different amounts but both be healthy based on a number of factors. I guess they need it so they can monitor your weight and help to keep you at an ideal weight without being overly intrusive! (Yes I'm a sports science geek!)

 Hope you're all doing OK, glad exams are over wahooooo!

x 

Heya,

Iunderstand that. But it does not get rid of the feeling of having to be thinner.

That must be a relief to not have any exams now.

Well done.

Take care

xxx

p.s. How are you all?

hey hun. did u get your job at la senza, I was reading ur other post (hope u don't mind) but haven't replied to that one. yesterday I had no energy and really struggled to work but today I'm ok, I need the pressure to get motivated and they're only 3days away now so I hope that's motivation enough. I get it, it doesn't matter how thin u get it's never going to be enough. btw, I know u haven't got your appointment yet, it doesn't mean u don't deserve it or anything like that, u totally do and it will come but u no wat the NHS is like!! lol. Just cos ur bmi is normal it doesn't make u healthy, ppl no that, all it means is that your not in immediate danger and the 1st appointments will go to those who are, at least that's wat I suppose happens. that's how it sld be. stay strong, let me no how things r going aml.

hey smallfry! nice to meet u. what u say is so true. how r u- any introductions? thanks, we try to stay strong but i guess u no how things are always swings and roundabouts. aml!! :) 

Heya,

Nay I didn't get it and to be honest after the interview I didn't really want it I didn't like the interviewer, I felt that she could be nice to your face but not behind your back. Also I felt that sdshe felt threatened by me. I had experience and she tried to pretend that I didn't by going on about how customer service was important, I already had told her that I was good at that. Had experience in *. So yeah I think she felt threatened for her job that I could show her up and get her job. lol. I seem to be good at selling things. lol.

Yeah I guess so about the appointment + its in adult services and I am aware that they do not have many workers as CAMHS. So yeah. C if my BMI is normal then people would automatically tthink that I am healthy...I look healthy so why shouldn't I be. But thats my skin it has its way of making me look good when I am the complete opposte. guess I should be grateful of that. Anyway enough of me.

Hows you? how are you coping.

Take Care everyone

xxx

Her loss, why do ppl have to be so bitter and twisted about things, surely if someone's better at sth than some1 else then good for them, and the other person sld just try harder.

That's the thing really isn't it, yeah you may be physically healthy?? but emotionally is completely different and I'm sure they know that cos emotional hurt can be just as dangerous as physical hurt as well. Try to stay positive til then, the wheels are in motion as they say.

i've got 5 days til freedom, I hope I'm lucky wiv the q's on monday, that wil be the hardest paper I think except for the scientific paper critique I've got to write on wed- yuck, yuck, yuck. I'm good at the mo I think, at least I'm very good at making myself think that, truth is I just can't tell how I am anymore and the energy to fight is seriously lacking but I will not give in. Failure is not an option, at least not right now.

Anymore jobs in the pipeline then? At least one where they will actually value someone with know how. aml 

Hi,

I'm sorry i haven't been on since thursday -  i had to sort things out in my head, and they still aren't sorted, and i don't think they will ever be after the news i had on friday *cries*

My mum's news was something good, but i can't say what it is as people might know who i am - but it's not anything major.

I will be going into adult services in ten months and i am so scared because being in CAMHS feels safer for some reason.

I saw my dad and his gf on saturday and it didn't go well at all.

How is everyone doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Sorry Butterflies I didn't mean it to sound like just coz I said what BMI was it would suddenly make you fine about your weight, probably my bad wording lol!

Hi Adele, I'm good thank you, new to beat, trying to get my bearings and all that. I actually can't believe how many people are going through similar things, I thought I would be the only one feeling a bit lost with an ED, duh!! Um... Been bulimic (I think, no binging just purging so not entirely sure if that's the same thing?!) for 6 years and about to go into final year of uni and need to get rid of this by this time next year so I can concentrate on my degree and my finals. This year was a bit of a struggle and I think I finally admitted defeat that I can't do it by myself aahhh! But, had a relatively positive week I think, felt a bit rubbish yesterday but I guess that's going to happen!

That's my intro over! 

Hope you're all OK

 x

Heya,

It is good that you have received good news and that you are really happy about it. I am happy for u.

I know what you mean about the transistion but from what I experienced I am liking adult services more but I think that is because there is more confidentiality and my parents are not involved in any way...it is completely patient based but that is just me. You might like CAMHS for different things. I didn;t like CAMHS for the reason I just explained.

Sorry about saturday.

I am not doing to great at the moment. I just can't stop crying...it is getting ridiculous as anything sets me off. I just got turned down for another job and I am starting to believe that people know about me even though most of what happens is done over phone before face-to-face. I hate this ED my emotions are all over the place and now I just can't be bothered anymore.

How is everyone?

Take Care

xxx

Hi,

Maybe i will like adult services more, i don't know, but CAMHS feels safer for some reason. It's like, they make the decisions for me to do with inpatient and stuff.

I'm sorry about your job *hugs*. I'm sure you will find another one though.

My mum doesn't think i will need any help in ten months, she thinks i will be better, but the professionals don't, so i don't know who is right. She won't talk to me about eating or anything because she refuses to, she says i've got my CPN for that.

How is everyone doing?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

Heya,

The proffessionals are right sweety. Go with what the proffessionals think.

As for jobs they are hard to come by and I am slowly losing all hope on that front.

Awww sweets it must be hard not to be able to get the support from your mum which you need. She wants you do get better so says these things prob thinking it will help. Hugs

Does anyone no what the difference is between an ED clinic and an ED unit? I am really scared because I have been refered to an ED unit and when talking to a friend she was going on about in patient stuff. Is this right\?

Hope you are ok.

xxx

Hey everyone. I'm really sorry I've not been on for a few days, I was sitting finals all week and just had to totally concentrate on that, but it's all done now. The results are next friday so fingers crossed it all went ok, it's wierd really, I have things to focus on but don't have to study, don't know how I feel about that after so many years of constant education. Still I plan to learn Spanish this summer and really improve my German so there's sth else I can do.

Lillies, how are you doing after friday and saturday? Are things any more positive for you? I didn't mean to pry or anything last time.  I'm sorry. I don't really know much about the health services cos have never been there,  but I do no that change is really hard and really daunting, but on the plus at least u have a few mths to work it all out in your head and to talk things over wiv ur current counsellor. Are u ok?

Hi smallfry. Well done for signing up!! How are you at the moment? I've just done my finals as uv probably worked out by now lol, and although its tough and all the tougher wiv an ed, it is possible and wiv only a year to go for u there's light at the end of the tunnel. Can I ask, wat r u studying? Have u spoken to anyone about ur ed? 6 years is such a long time but at least uv started to work on it now and things can only get better right? Well done for being so strong so far as well. let me know how ur doing. aml

Hi butterflies, last but by no means least!! :) I feel like that too sometimes, you just don't have the energy to fight anymore and you feel like wat's the point, does anyone even care but they do, they really do and I'm right at the front of that for you. Have things got any better this week at all? It's really good to cry, I find it so difficult, I wish I cld cos it wld just let so much emotion out, I know u feel bad and really unhappy but showing emotion is not a bad thing. Try and smile, at least we've had some sun this week, it's not all bad. I'm really sorry about ur job, there's one out there for u somewhere, it's just hiding. As I said before, it's always the employers loss, they don't know wat they're missing out on. Thinking of you, hope things have improved a bit, hugs Adele.

Heya adele

Welldone on completing your finals. I bet you are relieved to a point that they are all over. Let me/us no how you did.

Thanks for that, that means a lot.I haven't really felt/got any better and I do feel abit at a loss. The crying I am able to control a bit but it is so difficult. I feel like I am about to have a nervous breakdown. Everything is so stressful.   A lot of the time I wonder what is the point is all this fighting really worth it? I still haven't heard from the ED unit and I guess this could be part of the problem. The more I carry on with what I am doing the more I feel like I do not want to stop what I am doing. It's horrible coz four weeks ago narly I really wanted to get better and get the help. Now I have gone the opposite way.

Sorry I am just rambling and do not really know what I am saying. Forget about what I wrote this not not like me...I am normally the strong person who can cope with everything and suport others.

Hope you are ok.

hugs

xxx

Hun, that last sentence holds so true, for both of us. I reckon that might be part of the problem too, perhaps we've spent so much time worrying about other ppl and being the reasonable, methodical, well-thought out best advice ppl that we've forgotten about ourselves to some extent??? Ppl don't expect us to show 'weakness' and cos uv been the one that has always given the advice, they don't see that u might need a shoulder too sometimes. How can u break that image, probably don't even want to, I don't. Not to be seen as someone else, u r just u. Will ppl judge u differently?? So many questions, maybe we sld confront the fear, but that's one thing I can't do, to stop being the person uv always been to ppl. Now whose the one rambling lol.

The clinic will call, it won't be so long. Until then see the rough times as a challenge, sth to win, to achieve. They won't last forever, they can't, after all nothing does. Take the opportunity to force a smile each day, it sounds really lame but it may help u remember that happiness is worth fighting for and if not (it will) your face muscles need the exercise anyhow lol. Keep on writing, aml Adelex/x

Hi,

Things are about the same for me. I got upset earlier because i tried on a piece of clothing (jeans) that used to fit me comfortably a couple of months ago, and now they dig into me, and that just shows how much weight i have put on, yet people still see me as underweight and thin, and my mum said my legs look really thin, when they are the fattest part of me, and nothing makes any sense. How can they think i am underweight when i am so disgustingly overweight? It really depresses me and makes me feel so frustrated.

Today i had a big argument with my mum about something, and she really had a go at me, and i know that deep down she only pretends to love me and care about me because i am ill, but i think that she is just so fed up with me not getting better that all her love for me (if it was ever there) has just gone away.

I'm glad you've finished your exams - well done. I know how stressful exams are and how they make your eating a lot worse, so hopefully now that they are over, you might start to feel a little bit better.

What is university life like?

Today i am stressing about school, because i hate going and i always get myself worked up on a sunday night, and i get so nervous that i can't sleep.

How is everyone?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

Heya,

Tahnk adele. It is really hard to open up when you firstly portray yourself as the strong one. It is almost like how dare you have problems you are not allowed to.

I found out that a friend suffered from an ED, bulimia and anorexia and I never knew I feel like such a bad friend.

lillies you are not desparately overweight.  And your mum does care about you.

I am not sure how long can keep smiling for.

Hope you both are ok. Am here if you need to talk

hugs

xxx

Hey lillies, am so sorry you're going through all that, it's all really hard. I suppose u (and I do too) have to ask ourselves if everyone thinks ur underweight, can they all be wrong?? Learning to love urself and be happy wiv urself is the hard part, but it wil come. I think the hardest part is having ppl go on at u all the time, that just makes u want to take control even more and be defiant. I had the dinner from hell the other night, we all had to go to my nans for dinner. She's completely weight obsessed and obsessed wiv food, and wivout fail the conversation ended up there. It's the most uncomfortable thing in the world and I just wanted to scream and to cry, and I just had to bite my tongue and be amicable. I'm not even joking on this occasion she asked 'I wonder which one of u 3 (me, my sister and my brother's girlfriend) weighs the most?' I'm so angry. I cldn't speak, didn't say anything. Felt totally numn. At least no-one commented on how little I ate. Things like that, they just want to make u lose more and more, but I feel so in control, I find myself wondering if I even have an ED at all or if it's all just in my head. I mean this is my normality, I sld probably just get on wiv things. It's just that I can't sleep, then I'm tired and grumpy and have horrible mood swings and it all cycles again, but I sld be stronger than all that I no I sld be. So sorry to rant, I don't get angry much, at least I never let it show, maybe I sld???

As for uni. All my friends had the most amazing time, they said it was the best time of their lives ever, because they had so much freedom and independence and they made the most amazing friends. I can't add to that really, yes there were fun times but vet school is really intensive and I found it a real struggle, but cos failure is never an option I drove onwards and somehow got through (I hope). I've made some really good friends too and u sld definitely go- u'll love it. Do u no wat u want to do? For me school was so much fun, I really liked it. Try to make the most of it, wat worries u about going? Let me know how u r, am here for u.  aml

Butterflies, ur not a bad friend really. I found out today that one of my friends has clinical depression but cos I can relate to all her woes (she doesn't no about mine tho) I am well placed to help her through it, and u wil be just the same to ur friend. It will help a lot to be able to talk to someone by voice or face to face. To have someone who can give u a hug when u need it and really understand. Maybe u can both help each other? Let me know how it's all goes. Sorry for the mega long post!! aml.

Here for you both.

thanks

Hows you?

xxx

Hi,

Sorry i haven't been on, but my head is in a bad place at the moment and i can't think straight.

I AM overweight. When i look in the mirror all i see is fat.

I had people going on at me at school about my weight again, saying i was like a twig and that i am anorexic, bulimic etc and i get bullied badly :(

I think you should get angry adele, because it helps to get angry with yourself and tell yourself that you ARE going to beat the ED, and then that gives you determination, which helps you to recover.

I'm worried about being alone at university and having nobody like my school nurse who i see once a week to talk to, because i have so many problems - an ED, severe depression, OCD, anxiety, psychosis, panic attacks, anger problems, no friends, being bullied etc that they won't get sorted out before i go to university, if i am well enough to go.

I feel in such a mess. I have a big black hole inside of me that sucks the happiness out of everything, and listening to depressing music somehow complements how i am feeling, so i keep listening to that, and i can't stand the sound of people laughing or clapping or happy music, it goes right through me. I spend most of my time in a daze because i can't think straight, i can go through the whole day not speaking to anyone, except sticking up for myself at school, and i feel as though i am stuck behind this block of glass and i am looking at the world through it, and this block of glass sucks the happiness out of everything and it makes me feel isolated.

-xxx- lillies

I can't believe ppl can be so horrible, it's not fair. I don't get bullied anymore but from when I was 10 til my early teens I used to get bullied a lot. I helped out at a riding school and the girls used to call me posh girl cos I spoke differently and went to a private school, and they wld laugh at me, push me off chairs etc. It was only l8r that I realised they were bullying me and I stood up 4 myself like u have 2. What I came to realise is that ppl only poke fun at u and bully cos they r insecure and jealous of u, who u r and wat u have. Never 4get that. The ppl who say u r thin, r they ur friends, teachers? I suppose they think that if u hear it enough u wil start 2 believe it, and I'm sure it's all said wiv the best of intentions but it doesn't all work like that. Sometimes I think it can even be negative and make u want 2 turn the other way to the way they want u 2 go. Surely u have some friends?? Do u ever hang out wiv anybody?

Uni isn't a scary place really and they all have onsite counsellors and university associated doctors practices. I wld really recommend that u visit a few of them and u can visit the gp there and find out about the counselling service so u no b4 u go that u won't be alone. Of course u wil never b really alone cos u have us 2 write to all the time!! Also u wil b able to find out if u like the uni and the city b4 u go- big bonus. Uni sld be an exciting time, daunting perhaps but maybe, just maybe u wil be able 2 find urself again- a new start. Ppl won't no u, they won't judge u and u won't have a label. U can just be urself.

I feel isolated and lonely 2, I think its the depression that does it, but I'm really lucky cos my depression cycles so it'll be every other day or sth like that, although the ED never leaves. R u on any medication 4 the depression? Does it work at all? Try to stay strong, rememeber u r not alone. Let me no how things have been. aml

heya,

Sorry to hear about everything you 2. Uni isn't scary. I love it.

I have just started a new job and it is taking all my strength away but I absolutley love it. Was rejected help though by ED unit. I am not severe enough...in other words I am not thin enough. Yet a friend told me that ?I am a lot thinner than she last saw me and that was 9 months ago and she don't no about my ED.  I am getting mixed messages about all of this.

Hope you both are ok.

Take care

xxx

I really can't believe that, by what uv described there is sth definitely wrong. Surely it is better to help ppl b4 they get too thin as well as when they r otherwise things will just get worse and u wil get deeper and deeper. What did ur doctor have to say about all this, have they spoken to u about other options? Surely ppl must no how difficult it was for u to admit that there was sth wrong to start wiv?

I'm so glad that uv got a job and that u like it. The ppl must be really nice too, I knew sth wld pop up from around the corner. At least uv now got sth xtra to take ur mind off things. I'm sure u r a lot thinner that u were, u no that the scales have changed too and by a lot. It means that the change can't be due to just standing a bit differently or sth like that which is what I constantly convince myself of, but when it's a lot, u can't argue. What I mean is that u r a lot thinner than u were. How do u feel about that, r u still wanting to lose or r u happy wiv where u r now? I really hope it's the latter.

I passed my degree, passes in part 1 and part 2 and merit in part 3. I am really pleased. Though I'm way more excited about the eventing season ahead- yay!!

Pick urself up and start again, I know how hard that is and that u constantly have to keep doing it but that bit of effort is worth so much more than getting lower and lower. U can overcome this, being happy is worth it. let me no how things r going. aml

Heya,

Weldone with you grades. That is amazing. I am so pleased.

no doctors and I have not been in contact with each other yet. Won't do for nuther 2 weeks. I really haven't lost that much...Am still in BMI range so......

Been working today. I love it but it means that when I stop working for a break or at the end of the day my mind is filled with food and panic.  You wouldve thought that people would want to help before it got bad. Thing is it is bad... I have lost control. This is controlling me now completely. I have no say in what I do.

Don't think people do realise how hard things are to admit to this.

How is it with you?

Take Care

xxx

Hun, ask yourself, what is it that makes u truley happy, what is it that u want to do above all else, and what is it that really upsets u, that u don't enjoy in life, that makes u low and turns ur moods from contentment to upset and depression. Wen u have those answers u wil no wat things u need 2 get out of ur life and wat things u need in ur life. Then u can start to find urself again and 2 be happy again. Happiness is not a bad thing.

I'm trying to teach myself to be happy again cos it feels gr8 wen I am.  Acceptance is key. If u no wat u want from life, how to get it and wat path to follow and u accept that, then  things wil become easier 4 u. Things that have happened in the past, yes they're bad, they're things that sldn't have happened, that no1 sld have 2 endure, but it doesn't change the fact that they did happen. U can not change the past so why dwell on it. Things that aren't ur fault, don't punish urself for them, all u can change is the future. Work out wat u want and how to get it. If u want to share these things I'm always here for u, to listen and 2 try and help wiv stuff if I can. 

I sound so philosphical (sp??), This is my own best advice. Has this helped at all, how r u doing? Do u no any answers to any of the questions? Here 4u, aml Adele. Let me no how things are.

Acceptance is the key.

No I do not know the answers to the questions. In a way the ED makes me happy and yet I know that it is what is causing the low moods. 

I tried to control it all four 4 days and it got overwhelming I sh and now I am back to doing what the ED wants I am happy. I guess I need to look else where.

Thanks

Hows you.

xxx

Hi,

Sorry i haven't been on for so long, but i lose track of all the posts and i'm not very well, so please forgive me.

How are you doing?

Well done about your grades. I am really pleased for you. *hugs*

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey lillies, I'm really sorry to hear all that. Is anyone helping u? How's everything wiv ur mum at the moment? I wish I cld help u find a way out somehow, wat is it about clapping and laughing that u hate so much, is it such a bad thing, u cld have that 2, surely?? Has school finished 4u yet, does that make it easier or harder 4u, less pressure, no bullies? Sorry it's all questions, I'm not sure how else to help. Thanks for the congrats, now that the pressure is off hopefully I can try 2find inner peace and happiness. I just want 2 b happy.

Butterflies, good to hear from u again. Pls pls pls think about those questions cos they are so, so important. The answers lie there, I'm sure of it, and once u no u wil have the direction u want and the inner peace that every1 so desperately craves or at least the start of it. keep positive me dear. How's the job going, r they all nice ppl?

Hi,

Yeah, i see a psychiatric nurse and my school nurse. I saw my psych. nurse (CPN) on friday, and the whole meeting just depressed me because she kept on about being positive and i just thought 'what is the point?'.

Clapping and laughing go right through me so that it hurts my head, because when i get very depressed i also get very sensitive to sound and my taste of food goes, and that is how i can tell when i am very depressed.

Everything with my mum isn't that good to be honest. I keep hiding from her how i feel, and pretending that everything is okay....so yeah, i feel really far away from her at the moment.

School finishes on thursday - thank god. I can't wait for the holidays. I hate school so much, and i am still being bullied. I managed to get some 'evidence' to show my school nurse when i see her tomorrow, so i will see what she says about that.

How are you doing?

-xxx- lillies

Heya,

Lillies.

Keep going it is hard but being positive is a good idea. It does help.

Danni.

Job is going ok thanks.  Positiveness is hard. Am trying to take what other people say in terms of good things to mind to help me but it not always work.

How are you both?

xxx

Hi,

I am so thick and stupid. I forgot to show my school nurse the evidence. I only just remembered when i read my previous post. What am i supposed to do now? Any advice would be appreciated. I do have her home phone and her mobile number, but i wouldn't dare ring her on her home phone unless i was in a real bad way.

My sense of taste has gone today. I could tell it would go from how i was feeling yesterday. I can still taste a bit, but not very well.

It's nearly eleven at night and i am so so scared to go to bed because of this horrific nightmares i have every single night. I HATE them so much and i can't sleep properly.

Nobody gives a toss about me. I am not seeing anyone for almost two weeks now, and i am not coping at all. I feel so awful.

I can't listen to happy music now because it just goes right through me as well as clapping and laughing. All i want to do is sleep (in the daytime i don't get nightmares)

how is everyone?

-xxx- lillies