Hi

posted: 21.07.2008
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Hey Hun

Firstly, what I want to say is THANK GOD you managed to get your weight back up to within a healthy range, because when you have the negative thoughts about food as well as being dangerously low in weight everything is a hundred times harder to deal with because of all the physical affects on top of the mental ones.

However, this isn't to say that it should be easy for you.  When you're ill you realise just how much food features in life; it's EVERYWHERE and associated with everything you do.  Without food, life becomes misery, and eventually, life cannot be...

Focusing on your body and appearance is something that you can't afford to do...it's not what life is about.  We're made to think that it matters and we have to look a certain way and be a certain shape but we DO NOT!!!  Think about a life without mirrors, scales, calories, basically a life without the man-made influences, so nature as it should be.  There would be no problems about food...what matters is who you are inside, and how you treat the world around you.  If you treat the world with the respect it is due, the world will be kind back, and then you will be happy inside yourself, which is what life is all about!!!!

Hun, there is no way to "stop thinking about food" when it influences how you feel so much.  My best advice to you is to  stop focusing life on numbers, don't be aware of your weight, don't count the numbers in food.  Eat what your body tells you it needs, and if you feel fat and funny, go OUT, do something, go for a walk/run, go to the shops, do something that gets you out of your backwards thinking.  I find it helps me to surround myself with "normal" people and then I don't feel like such a freak, I can just blend in...

Don't be ashamed to tell people that you're struggling, they will be proud of you for being brave enough, people recognise it more than you think...there are of course some people who will brush you aside, but you can't let that make you believe there is nothing wrong.  At the end of the day, you are posting on this site because you need some support, because YOU feel that there is something wrong.  Nobody else can tell you how you feel babe...

Keep strong, and keep focused on what it takes to lead a happy and fulfilled life as EVERY human-being deserves.  Nobody is more special than anybody else or deserves any more or less ok?

I'm thanking whatever I should thank that you had the strength to stop the weight loss before it endangered your life and made things harder than they need to be.  Keep fighting, and you will overcome this.  It's a waste of life....just remember that all of us on here are always right behind you..

Take care

Love Caitlin

xxxx

posted: 24.07.2008
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Hi Caitlin

 

Thank you so much for your advice it has meant a lot that you have spent time trying to help and that im not alone. Over the last couple of days I’ve been trying to take your advice before I do something I think ‘do I really want to do this’ or asking myself what do I really want to do. Your right that whatever size I am people want to know me for who I am. I’ve been thinking if I was thinner then my life would be better and people would like me more. But the last time I lost lots of weight I just got more depressed and upset others although I feel low at the moment its not as bad as it was. I ve got to keep fighting and take every day as it comes its just so hard.

 

You sound a very strong and determined person.. if u don’t mind me asking how are you coping with your ED and are you recovered? It can be hard being different and I understand what you mean about sometimes feeling ‘a freak’. But then everyone is different and although we have battles with food I guess others will have difficulties elsewhere which we may not.

 

Thank u so much for posting, its given me more strength to keep trying,

 

From

 

Eve

 

xxx

posted: 24.07.2008
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Hi Eve

How do I cope with my ED...hmmm good question.  No, I'm not "recovered" as the professionals would say it, I'm in the process.  But, I feel I am changed in my head, I no longer want anorexia in my life that is the important thing.

I still totally freak out when faced with a food I can't cope with, I still argue with mum, try to restrict  sometimes, it's not all uphill, there are some times I fall down a bit and have to take every bit of strength I have to pull myself back up.  Today has been one of those days, I've restricted out of habit because I have hospital tomorrow.  I still struggle there...

All I can say is that I cope with it because I WANT TO.  I want my life back, and I know that.  I don't know what it will bring with it, but I know that even if it's not good, I want to at least find out!  FOr as long as I stay ill I will not know what my life might have been.  When I feel like I can't cope I either take some time out, listen to some music, read a book, talk with a friend, go out to be around normal people, or more recently come onto these boards.  They have helped me immensely these past few days to keep on the straight and narrow, I don't actually know what I'd do if they were taken away from me.  I'm a bit worried about going on holiday for that reason...

Tomorrow I will find out exactly what stage I am at, how much weight I have put on, blood tests, and as much as I will panic if they're improved, I know that it is a good thing, and I've worked SO hard for it these past few weeks.  Surely, if in my heart of hearts I didn't want to get better, I wouldn't even try.  Therefore, I know that the panic is just the anorexia in me freaking out, the anorexia is NOT ME!!!

Keep me posted how you're doing hun, hope you're ok today!

Love Caitlin

xxxx

posted: 28.07.2008
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Dear Caitlin

            It sounds to me you are doing really well and really focused on being well again. I feel I still have a problem mentally I think deep down I still want the control of the eating even though I want to be healthy. I am also goin on holiday- where are you going? I hope you have fun and fight through it .  Try not to worry – could u look into local internet cafes in the area before? Then maybe you could go to one ias a fallback if you want to go on the boards.

            Friday I felt really good but its gone downhill over the weekend and today hasn’t been great really I just can’t face food I just feel worthless. I went to the gym and swim cos I thought this would make me feel better but the refreshment didn’t last long and sparked off my old way of thinkin.

 

How was the hospital? I think the way you are thinking is rinspirational and really great – you’re right u’ve just got to remember how hard u have worked for improvement and what ur life will be like once your healthy.

 

Stay strong

Eve

xxx

posted: 28.07.2008
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Here, here!! I second everything that Caitlin has said, I really couldn't put it better. All I can add that is to start to get better you need to work out what you really want from your life, and what you don't want in it at all. Get the things you want into your life, throw out the things that you don't and you will start to recover. Uni was the thing that made me really ill, and the fact that I didn't have a good enough horse to ride at the level I want to be at (how selfish is that, cos there are so many ppl in poverty and so on, and that was all I cld worry about, not progressing). Still I have now graduated, I have a really hot horse, he's so talented and I'm moving forward with my life. I really feel that those changes have put me on to the road of recovery. You asked how to stop thinking about food, how to be happy. Making those changes and doing a lot of soul searching will help that. It is not easy, but if you want something badly enough, ANYTHING IS ACHIEVABLE!

How have you been since the last post? Where are you going on holiday? Should be fun. Here for you. aml Adelex/x

posted: 29.07.2008
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Hi Adele

Thanks for your advice, you sound like your doing really well at the moment with your horse- how long have u been riding for? I rode a little bit when I was younger and have trained in competitive sports so I understand the pressure you must have been under. Its great you’ve graduated too do u know what job ur gunna do?

Today hasn’t been too bad I managed to eat some lunch but kinda panicking as my family want a takeaway which I don’t feel up to eating. But im gunna try and have a small portion or maybe ask to eat something else instead. I think my eating problems were triggered by the pressure of my school- they gave us a large volume of work and had high expectations of me which led to a rigid schedule to fit it in amoungst the training for sport in the evenings. Exams are over now but I think the pressure of results day and college work for September is really causing this setback.

Hows ur day been? im glad ur life moving forward and thanxs 4 ur help.

I’m going to cornwall for a week… I’m hoping it will be good as I will beable to surf just bit worried about the dinners which tend to be huge. Are u going away?

Love

Evexx

posted: 30.07.2008
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I went to a school a bit like that too. For GCSE anything below a C was a fail and A-level below an E I think, though I never had to worry about that. The prob was the expectation was always high and I felt like we had been given labels on day 1, gifted, average, under par. I always felt average, and even though I got the joint best A-level results and was in every team going etc, I still felt that. I think when ur the sort of person who works for yourself and for ur own aspirations no-one thinks that u need any guidance, no pat on the back or well-done, no acknowledgement of ur achievements, how wrong ppl can be. Was it like that for u?

Riding I love. It's all I want to do and if I cld go eventing all day every day I wld. I've riden since I was 5 so that makes it 18years now and it just gets more and more fun everyday.

Going away will be cool. Eating out doesn't have to be scary, there's always healthy options, so start there and maybe build to sharing some side orders or sth like that. I've been doing it like that and it's working out fine at the mo.

What sports do you do. I used to play netball, swim, rounders, hockey, you name it (except tennis which I suck at), but now I've commited myself to just the one and focus on that.

I'm off to Peru this summer, horse-trekking as a well done you've finished uni present to myself lol. It sld be loads of fun, just ashame that I miss some events. Nevermind. Hope your well aml.

posted: 30.07.2008
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            It was just like that for me. You had to work very hard at school and u didn’t get much acknowledgement. They would never ask if I needed help and I’m quiet so I never really said anything. Even when I was really struggling and at my lowest weight nobody seemed to care so I didn’t bother telling anyone. They once said I was underachieving when getting an A and not an A*. When I worried about exams yet my friends would always say why was I worrying when Id be alright anyway, they didn’t seem to understand the amount of time and work that had to be put in to do well.

            I love watersports – diving and surfing. I did lots of gymnastics and netball when I was younger. I go to the gym and swim a bit.I’d like to try karate or sumthing. I suck at tennis too- I prefer badminton.

            Wow horse trekking sounds good – although u miss events it’ll be relaxing for you. Hope u enjoy it J

            Today hasn’t been too bad – how are u?

Evexx

posted: 01.08.2008
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Wow. Have u ever been coral reef diving?? That must be so amazing, I've snorkeled a few times but that's it. Have never surfed tho wld really like to try at least once. I've kayaked, wasn't really gr8 at that, was much better at running across the front of a line of kayaks, trying to make everyone fall out lol. Also tried to water ski once, it's harder than it looks, so I'll stick to riding me thinks.

This week I've been quite lethargic but I think I'm really anaemic at the moment. I cld take iron but I wld hazard a guess that it's excess loss rather than iron deficiency so I really oughta get a blood test done, especially as I'm going to be at altitude soon, I just have to find the 'courage' to do the right thing and get it. Next wk I think. Other than that I'm good thanks.

Ja, I was a straight A student too, luckily my A-levels cldn't have graded higher so I'm not hung up on those. How's it for you now? Sorry, may have missed it, where u at in education at the mo?

Speak again soon, aml Adele x/x.

posted: 01.08.2008
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Hi

I ve never been diving in a coral reef but one day I hope to – I did a bit of kayaking once on a guide trip was too scared to run along the front thou- the girl who did slipped off into the water which put me off! Yeh u shud try surfing its great it took me a while at first to stand up but once u get the hang of it its so cool.

Try and go to the drs as soon as possible about the iron just think how much better u will feel and make u more energetic for riding.

I’ve just finished A levels and planning to go to college for a year b4 uni- only 2 weeks till results day s-: . Does school seem a long time ago? I still can’t believe I’ve left and never have to go back!

Today hasn’t been to bad but I weighed myself and I’ve lost a bit- I’m sure I’ll put some back on thou next week as I might feel more relaxed so I’ll probs beable to eat a bit more. I’m going on holiday tomorrow – getting up at 5 which will be tiring. I’m not sure whether I will be able to get a chance to go on internet so this will be my last post for a week.

I’m gunna miss posting thou- im really greatful for ur posts as they make me feel im not alone and it gives me something to look forward to. If u go away before I get back I hope u have a brilliant trip – u deserve it after getting ur degree and finishing all ur studies- well done! (-:

 

Caitlin- I know u were away how was ur trip? thanks for ur posts 2!

 

Speak 2 u both  soon

Eve

xxx