hi im new and scared

hiya,

you've definitely come to the right place :) getting help was the right (and best) thing to do, well done! you're obviously really strong, but while you're going through this everybody on here will be around to support you.

do you think you would be able to tell your mum? it's great that you've told your boyfriend and he sounds fab for being so supportive.

i know life will be different but that doesn't mean worse! it will hopefully be a million times better, but yeah it will be very different and it's not an easy thing to change so well done for going for it :)

let us know how the assessment goes, i'm sure there's nothing to worry about but good luck with it :)

take care xox 

Heya,

My mum has just found out. I kept it from her and everyone else for a very long time.  I am 20 and a uni student and because of this my gp cannot send me to an ED clinic but to a psychiatrist instead.  It is all really scary and terrifying but it is good that you are getting help for it and recognising that you need help. That is the first step. It is also good that you have a supportive boyfriend if you are unable to tell your mum?

Good luck with the assessment and I hope that you let us know how it goes.

Here if you need to chat.

xxx

your messages were really sweet thank u, im really happy i've found this place, its good tht there is people tht can understand me but not drag me down at the same time  i really dont think i cud tell my mum,she already think shes a bad mum,she's really not tho. i'm also really worried she wont believe me,an this sounds stupid but feel telling her will stop me eating the small amount i already do,cos might feel like i have 2 prove it 2 her or somthing like tht, yeh my boyfriend has been great,hand on heart i wudnt b getting help if it wasnt 4 him.im still unsure if i want help but i no its 4 the best an the only way 2 save my relationship. i feel like it will forever drive me mad tht i havnt reached my goal weight   thanks again,hope everything is good 4 all of you.love maddy xxxxxxx

Hello, i'm in a really similar situation, i really want help but i'm too scared to tell my parents that i'm still not okay. They knew about me being sick but they thought i wa eating okay but the other day i was sick again.They think i'm fine but i really can't tell them because there is too much going on and i'd have to prove to them and i can't! I don't know what to do.Sorry to be a bother. :)

Bekahxxxxxxxxp.s i'm really struggling to gain wieght again.Does it take long?

dont be silly,u could never be a bother. have you told ur doctor or any friends about your ed, maybe they could give u tht extra support that u feel u cant get from ur parents. whatever is going on in there lives i'm sure they would wanna no wats goin on with you,remember ur like the most important person 2 them,an they prob dont bring the subject of u being sick up because they are unsure of how it will affect u. good luck, an feel free 2 chat anytime,i will b very happy for tht  love maddyxxxxxxxxx

hey,

you can be pretty sure nobody on here would wanna drag anyone down hehe, it's lovely :)

i actually know exactly what you mean about having to prove that something's wrong but i promise you it's all a trick to make you feel worse about everything, you have nothing to prove aside from the fact that you are an incredible, strong girl who deserves all the support available. (the same goes for the goal weight, honestly, you will never reach your goal weight, it'll get ever more extreme and it will never end until you're completely destroyed, don't let it happen)

your boyfriend sounds amazing, it must be nice to have someone like that who keeps you going, i'm sure he must agree that getting help is the best thing to do??

keep your chin up chick, take care xox 

hehe yeh he like dragged me 2 the doctors,i was so scared and angry at him for it,but now im so glad he made me do that. my biggest prob at the mo is that i feel like im fighting myself, i want 2 lose weight but i wanna b better,so i go 4 ages with no food,then eat loads ( as if im rebelin against my ana) i eat all the stuf i missed all at once, then wen i c tht i've put on weight i freak,an starve again. this is driving me mad,i wish i cud jus eat healthy wen i do eat rather than that. and its only wen i give in 2 ana and forget help that i can control my food fully. i just feel so torn between these 2 feelings, i want 2 b better so i can be happy with my boyfriend,but there is so much of me tht still wants ana,i cant explain it,feel lost. how are you?? hope ur ok, xxxxx love maddy

hey sweetheart,

this is the perfect place to come for support with everything. everybody on here is lovely.

let me know how things are going,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

my mum thinks the same but I still need her and she hated herself more thinking that I could not tell her sooner. I know how hard it is and you do not have to tell her but it might help as long as she knows that you are getting help she will want to support you. My mum is treating me normally which is good because I do not feel like a freak and although \I still hardly eat anything I still do what I do in terms of purging I am just  more careful.

take care

xxx

Hi, Well done for starting to get help and recover, the first step is always the hardest. Your BF sounds really supportive too. My parents don't know about mine either but perhaps it wld make things easier if they did. I reckon once u start your appointments your councellor will really be able to help u with that. well done 4 signing up 4 the boards too, it will really help. Let me know how your app. goes, it takes a lot of courage to be where you are right now. I'm here if you need me, aml Adele.

Thank you so much Maddy, when i read what you wrote i had tears in my eyes.I'm hoping that in time i can tell my mum and dad about it all, thank you so much, i don't think i can say how much you helped me just then.I feel really strong now, I hope you are being strong too,love Bekahxxx

hi,sorrry i havnt been on in ages,my internet went down :( so its been really hard 4 me not being able 2 come on here, thank u so much bekah,that was so nice of u 2 write that :) will b great if we can keep talking. and thank u 2 every1 else,so so happy i came on here, ur all lovely people,even tho i have only just met u i already feel welcome an safe at home like lol, so all keep in touch, i wud more about my eating cos found it so hard,but i got a real headache an can c loads of spots,so mite be sick if i keep going on lol, xxxxxxxxxx love maddy

hey sweetheart,

aww hunni *hugs*

I'm always here if you ever want to talk about anything,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

 i feel so horrid,2day my friends wanted a picnic an is a friends bday,so had a small amount of *tht was bad enuf but then they wanted * we cut the * into tiny triangles,so i got away with eating hardly any, but then i got this stupid headache an new food wud help it go away,so had dinner an then *,im so upset,an i cant exercise 4 2 and half hours b4 bed like normal cos of my headache, then 2mos i have 2 go 2 a friends 4 dinner, i cant take it,its all 2 much 4 me,i dont think im cut out 2 get better,i wanna reach my goal weight,im not even close,im fed up on crying all nite long just cos i ate,i just dunno wat 2 do anymore, its like i just wanna lock myself away and never eat again, just because im going 2 get help people assume i can now eat normal,i feel like screaming,i dunno how much more of this i can take. ahh i mean im so fat,they will prob just laugh in my face at the ed clinic an send me away, sorry im in a really low mood xxxxx love ya all, maddy

Heya,

Hugs

Hope your feeling better

xxx

Hey hun, how's things? It's all really hard, I know. Have you managed to tell your parents yet or started any appointments? Maybe try and start with eating something 'safe' on the days when you just want to starve and then build on that. Tell yourself that it's fine. If your mind and body know that they're going to get food then they're not so desperate for it. Afterall we all need energy and you can only get that from food. I started off with similar signs, starving for a few days, then losing it and eating loads of food. It takes time but it has got easier- if you can space out what you eat and tell yourself that you will get more food later then you don't end up feeling guilty cos you've eaten so much and you can start to break the cycle and build up to eating enough food throughout the day to at least maintain weight, without the guilt and the binges. I hope you're ok at the moment, let me know how things go and am here for support if you need it. aml Adele.

thank you,thats really helped alot. its nice 2 no some1 understands me, no i havnt told my mum,i just dont dare, my first appointment at the clinic is on the 1st of july, but its just an assessment of my needs,then i go on a waiting list. i find it hard 2 concentrate on getting better wen all i can think about is how fat i am, an even tho im losing weight wen i look in the mirror its like im fatter than ever,i look like i've put it on not lost an dont understand y its doing tht,i find it so frustrating feeling like im getting nowhere, also wen i eat any kind of carbs my tummy gets bloated an painful,i dont no y,but it really puts me off food. how are you?? are u getting support for ur ed?? xxxxxxxxxx love maddy

hey sweetheart,

its frustrating when people think you are 'fine' just because you are having help.

it takes a long time to recover from an eating disorder unfortunately.

let me know how your first appointment goes.

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun, ditto to that. I think I'm going to try and get some help, I'm just really scared of gaining weight even though I know I'm underweight I still have this distorted image, and the less fat the better. I just feel so much better in myself when I'm lighter. The problem is that when I've got control over my food intake and I'm losing a bit, or at least not gaining, I'm not an unhappy person- that's the deceptive part I guess. I think I'm fine, then the cyclical depression sets in and it's really rough and when you're so low you want help but then you come out of that and kid yourself again. comprendez? I'm ok now but had a really rough weekend just rebelling against myself and all my revision really. I knew 1st thing saturday that I wld lose control and I fought for as long as I cld but later I completely caved. Still onwards and upwards hopefully?? The carbs thing sld get better for you, it's just your enzymes and that adapting to getting them again, just increase it really gradually. Hope you're ok, let me know how it is all going. aml

yeh i can totally understand tht, somtimes i feel like i really have 2 get help an other times i feel as tho there is nothing wrong with me an people around me are just making things sound worse than they are,  are u not getting any help at all then?? who no's about ur ED??  if u dont mind me asking.

im really worried 4 my clinic appointment,im sure it will b ok, im just worried they wont offer me any further help.but tht prob sounds stupid xxxxxxxx hope ur ok huni,

I'm sure it will be fine too, you wouldn't have been referred if they weren't going to help you. I can imagine if I were in that situation too I wld be really scared about it, because I'm the same, I keep thinking that things aren't actually wrong and that I'm totally overreacting. I don't want to be embarassed by seeking help for sth which isn't actually there. I'm really stubborn and independent as well which doesn't help. So I can totally empathise with that, just look on it as an informal chat and be totally honest with what you say. Maybe think of things that you want to put across before you go and write them down, and get your boyfriend to do the same. The things that other ppl think about it will maybe not be the same as you but will be just as relevant. At least that way the assessor will get a true impression of what's going on. I've only semi-told one friend and she's not seen me recently so doesn't know how things have progressed and it's a really difficult subject to approach anyway, plus I just want to do normal friend things and chat, and not have the conversation on EDs all the time. I don't think it's fair to put all that worry onto her when she's got all her own things going on also. Ppl comment all the time on how 'skinny' I've got but I can always laugh it off and act and hide it really well, but it's getting slighlty more difficult to hide now although at the mo I've got finals stress as an excuse. I don't think I cld ever tell my parents, I cldn't cope with the embarassment, plus I live with them at the mo and I cldn't stand being watched the whole time. So I don't mind you asking at all :), if I can't say things here when can I??

how are you at the mo?? aml

hey sweetheart,

let me know how tha appointment goes,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

i give up.

hun, noooo!! you can so do this, what's up? your appointment is really soon and it will help u loads. pls don't give up, it's the hardest things in life that are the most worth achieving. aml

hey maddy,

I'm soo  sorry I can't lift your spirits.

*hugs*

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Maddy, you are a true inspiration to me, even though you are going through hell, you still give time to other people and help them. This may not soudn like much but I will pray for you. You wouldn't believe hoe much i understand you, i wanna get better - i badly want children when i'm older but i want to stay little and ana. I guess i'm being greedy tyring to have both but i feel so fat, I have days like today i just wanna give up. But then i think, no i've got to be strong because i owe that much to my parents and people like you help me realise i'm not alone, :D I will pray that you can get better but not get scared away, because everyone deserves to be happy, especially you maddy :)

Please take care and don't do anything rash,

xxx