Am i ready?!

hey Lizzie,

first of all, it's great that you're almost there - you have to be a really strong person to have come so far. i know that it took me a long time to accept that i had to put the weight back on, but i'm so glad i did.

i've just about reached a healthy weight now, just trying to keep it stable at the moment. i'll admitt, it's unsettling knowing that you're not 'underweight', because underweight feels 'safe'. but in reality it's the ana that comes up with those thoughts and they're all wrong. ana never lets you feel thin, no matter what your weight is.

i remember at this stage i had trouble putting the last bit of weight on because i just wanted to hold onto that feeling of being underweight. but now that i've reached it things are far better, because for the first time in ages, i dont have to think about putting weight on! putting weight on is tough, but until you get to a healthy weight, you have to keep on putting it on, so the best thing is to reach that target weight as soon as you can, so you can get on with your life being happy and healthy.

as for the girls at school, i know the type. it's especially tough at a new school i imagine. all i can suggest is do your best to ignore them because they obviously have pretty sad lives themselves if they have nothing better to do than stare. you're better than them.

sorry for waffling. i'm not a great advice giver really.

take care, keep fighting

mai xxx

At the risk of misjudging you, my advice would be to make your own voice heard (thats Lizzie's voice not that smug git voice that we all here have heard); you are not just another notch on the hospital's list of patients, so tell them: its your recovery, they don't know what it's like, if you're finding it hard, then don't try and do too much too soon: You paint a masterpiece one stroke at a time.

But let me tell you that you MUSTN'T lose sight of the fact that you will eventually have to reach your goal weight.

As for school, well it's always going to be hard but just try and make friends and try not to get paranoid about what others think.

Hey, thanks for replying.

Im still really scared, i know its only my beginning target weight to get my body in a safe place but its a target i dont want to get to. Well i do but it means weight and i dont want to get any fatter. Its just not fair why cant they just leave me alone, i dont want to get fatter. I know its only a small amount i had to put on but i just  cant handle it.

Ive got a session tomorrow, i will say how bad i feel and stuff.

Thanks for your advice x Lizzie xx

hia Lizzie, you have to be proud of yourself for getting to the weight you are now we all know its not easy. i think sometimes being pushed can almost push you over the edge and send you backwards. if i was you id speak to you parents and the people you see at the hospital and explain that your not quite ready yet and that you feel it would send you back a step and suggest that you work on maintaining your progress so far and hope to reach your target weight when your ready and feel like you can cope with it (which im sure you will be able to at some point if not now)

stay strong xxx sarah

You guys are angels thank you so much! xx  

I just feel like im never going to get past this and that i am only getting better for my family. I dont know if i can hold myself together any longer.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! My life sucks. Why do i have to go through with this? The hospital want me to carry on putting on the weight, its like they want me to suffer. it is just not fair.

Ive got to stay strong like you said but im at an all time low and dont know how to cope, Lizzie xx

Lizzie, I know its a hard time for you, but the doctors don't want you to suffer, they are just doing what they think is best for you from a medical point of view. They can't imagine the pain you've been through.

But remember that you should be getting better for yourself; think of all of the rubbish that you've had to put up with cos of ana: hospitals, doctors, tears, trauma, arguments, not to mention physical pain. now think of all of the stuff you've got to look forward to: job, boyfriends, parties, a family, qualification etc.

Thats why you need to get better. Tell ana to * off and let you get on with becoming the good person that you will be.

Keep it up, Aiden

NB this is dnpttrsn's new account, I had to make a new account

god that message made me cry.... im getting soft haha. i feel like my life is so crap and im nothin compared to my friends. there can all have boyfriends and go out and enjoy themselves and me what can i do? NOTHING i am to busy with my weight and food to do anything else not to mentionthe fact that i cant because "its to much exercise and you will lose more weight". i just want a life so badly. lads dont even take a second look at me anymore i feel so disgusting xxx

I cant remember what life was like since ive had this. I cant remeber what it is like to be 'Lizzie' Ive never had a boyfriend and i havent been able to experience things others have. Even though when i was weighed at the hospital i went down, im no where near as happy. Ive got to keep it down and work even harder.

I dont know what life will or would have been like without this illness. Im finding it so hard.I cant imagine myself anymore. its like my soul has gone and i will never be able to find it. Sometimes i just cry and cry because i just cant deal with it, like now. My parents have no idea what its like and pretend that they know. In a way they act like they dont care but keep asking me questions, i know they are worried but they are making me more upset because i feel like i have to please them.

Thank you so much for your support.

Blessings, Lizzie xx

lizzie of corse we will give you support. the way you explain things is exactly the way i feel right now. my parents think they know exactly what im goin thru and say that its difficult for them aswel..... what they feel cant even come close to how we feel. its hard to think about how things would be without this it feels like everythin i enjoyed and that made me happy has been taken from my life and all that i left is a broken person who has no enjoyment in life and that suffers everyday without any help and support. i cry and people ask why and i cant even answer them because i dont no myself anymore. but sweetie we have to think positive because without motivation we cant get better we need to want to do it for anythin to change. life shouldnt be suffering like this. we need to carry on fighting and take everyday as it comes making sure we try our best everyday. i dont no about you but i feel that there is no help for people with EDs, if you had a problem with your heart you would see a heart specialist so why don't we see specialists for EDs. i want to get better but i cant do it alone and the help i need isnt on offer x x x stay strong luv sarah

Wow Lizzie, I would say "its sounds like you're having a rough time" but that would be a huge understatement.

You've probably heard the "you've got to put on weight for your own good" talk from countless doctors and relatives, so I'll spare you that. But don't disregard it.

Lizzie, what I've got to highlight is that you will find your soul, as you put it. Your thoughts will get healthier and the voice will drown out as you get physically healthier. So its just a matter of trying to get through this rough stage in your life.

I know thats easier said than done. But Im here for you, we're all here for you. Its good to talk, and by the sounds of things I'm guessing that there aren't alot of people for you to talk to at home? Please keep fighting anorexia, and don't work to keep your weight down (if thats what you meant) because that'll get you nowhere.

As for boyfriends, Lizzie, I've never had one either; mind you I don't swing that way but I've never had a girlfriend either for God knows how long; so I can emphasize. But you've got to prioritize, your health comes first, and boyfriends will come naturally after that, I assure you. I don't what year you're in at school but don't even put your work in front of your health.

Godspeed, Aiden

Its really hard at the mo so thank you for being here. I just find it sooo hard to see what life is going to be like if i let go from this. i just hope i do get to live life without it even though its going to be scary.

Despite going to the hospital i need support every day, not just for an hour, sometimes i wonder if they have any idea what its like. I find eating soooo hard.

On the weekend i am going away without my parents so it will be even harder to eat on my own, i suppose it will test my strenght though.

Hope you lot are ok and thank you again, Lizzie xx

first off I just want to say you are so brave and so, so strong! You could try talking to your therapist and say that you don't feel ready also you could see if you could go into day care so you could get the support you need but still go home- i don't know if any of these suggestions are feesable (sp?!) so sorry if they are no help! Also about school, you could try getting changed at a break time or in the loos- again I don't know if these are possible but I hope they helped!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks hunni, i never knew that they did stuff like that at hospitals!

Im still really worried about reaching the weight . When i told my therapist again she was just like "I hope you do get there because it will do you good!"

Normally i like her but she was really harsh and didnt help me at all and now whenever i bring it up she will just say "I no its hard" and then change the subject. Shes meant to be supporting me!?

The weekend went ok even though i didnt stick to my plan properly, it was nice to get away from the arguing and screaming between me and my parents,

 Lizzie x

Hi. Firstly, I don't know if i'm the best person to comment on this because I suffer with bulimia but at the end of the day, they are all ED's.

I have read quite a few of your posts and whilst I don't know the exact cause of you heart condition surely this has to be a 'wake up call'. It's serious enough with anorexia anyway - I am a nurse so that's how I know this. I have looked after many people with anorexia in my time, and even seen one die from it, so I just urge you PLEASE to try and think what damage you may be doing.

I know it's easier said than done but you have to look at the seriousness of the situation, especially with your underlying heart condition. You are only 14 and I would encourage you to get things sorted out whilst you can, i'm 23 and have had mia for 6 years andit have ruined any potential relationships I could have, my job, my social life. 

Reaching a goal weight can be scary, but maybe it would be good to write a list and really look at the pros and cons- but look at it subjectively and not just from the role of 'ana'.

This post is by no meens meant to scare you or make you feel bad, I just think sometimes honestly works,

Take Care. 

Kat x

kat- i had to reply to your post i hope you don't mind. you sound realy positive and clued up on things i was just wondering if you could give me a little advice... im 17 years old nd have suffered frm anorexia for over 3 years now and its really ruining my life my friends are all in relationships and have great lives but mine is all controlled and i have set meal plans so it restricts what i can do and with my weight being low im not allowed to do a lot of exercise so that limits my social life. i have had trouble in that past with making my self sick (a few years ago) i didn't binge i just was sick everytime i eat something . im at a low weight at the moment and part of me wants to put on but part of me is obsessed with the fact that 'i luc fat' im worried that the sickness thing will come back if i put on weight. do you have and advice that could help me to fight the sickness thoughts? ? ? i don't want to look anorexic or fat i want to look slim but healthy slim if you get me.

i hope your doing well and fighting hard

xxxx thank you, sarah

Hi Sarah- not too sure about being clued up but i'll give answering your question a go!!!

It's reassuring that you realise that old habits coud come up again, and it's a good idea to have plans put in place if the anxieties do come up. My advice would be to maybe try and occupy yourself, I don't know if you have any hobbies but I am quite arty and creative so to keep my hands and mind busy I doodle, it also passes time and the more time that passes the less easy it would be for me to purge after I have eaten.

Because you have a goal of how you want to look, providing it is a realistic and not 'ana' goal, it's good to keep focused on this. Maybe write a letter to yourself about your ideal figure and how you would feel, and include negative points that could happen if you did make yourself sick such as reverting back to old ways, increased depression etc., then when you look at it hopefully it would put you off making yourself sick.

I hope some of this is helpful and good luck with the rest of your recovery.

Kat xx

They are going to put me into hospital if i dont get up to * by next session- friday.

Im scared, worried, fightened, confused, panicked, upset, tearful and yet still i dont want to get to the weight.

Im so confused and hurt at the moment i never thought that they would even imagine putting me into hospital but apparantly they have been thinking about it for a long time and i will be in until i reach a 'suitable weight'- i mean what does that mean?

Has anyone got any advice at all? Please help me?

Lizzie xx

Lizzie if you really don't want to have to go into hospital then unfortuntely it's a case of trying your hardest to get to the weight they want you to achieve.

You have to understand that it's not 'you' that doesn't want to get to the target weight- it's 'ana'- that little monkey that sits on your shoulder constantly tapping in on your negative emotions.

You have to understand that they are not going against you but merely doing what is in your best interest, especially with your underlying heart complaint.

The road goes 2 ways and only you can decide which direction you go in 1) the voluntary route where you are in control of putting the weight on and steadily or 2)  where everything is taken out of your hands- people tell you what to eat, they weigh you and won't tell you whether you've gained or not, they limit your activity and then there is no sense of achievement I guess, it can be like they strip you of any control that you once had.

That's the long and short of it i'm afraid. Like I say only you can decide what path you take. Good luck hun

Kat xx

huni i'm so sorry to hear about that! See if you can friends/family to help you and encourage you to gain the weight, I know it seems like the worst thing in the world but with each bit of weight you gain the weaker your ed gets.

 Remember everyone wants you to get better so just focus on right now.Don't even think about tomorrow just get through the day eat each meal as it comes and if you just keep focused you will beat it once and for all! I'm hear for you anytime you need me hope everything goes ok :-)

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry i havent posted in so long but ive just been thinking about alot, havent had time. On the last session they said you have one week to get to this weight or we will have to put you into hospital.

I tried my best, i really did, and i only missed a small meal and a drink but i hadnt been drinking as much water as i should have. i still didnt get there yesterday when i was weighed.

They had a department meeting and they want to send me to an eating disorder unit.

They have sent off letters and stuff for arrangements for an assesment to be weghed there and shown around and then i could either be put in on that day or i will have to wait for a free bed. Apparently i would be in there for months nd i dont want to go but my parents are forcing me to go wether i want to or not. Im sooooo worried. The hospital im at now want me to go in again on Monday for another weigh in. I am going to find out when i go after ive been weighed.

I never imagined i was that stuck and that it would result to this. My family is falling apart and im getting more depressed everyday. i feel betrayed and well i cant describe how im feeling.

Has anyone got any advice? Please?

Lizzie xx

p.s sorry for being a pain and making you read so much this is the only place i can let it out my parents dont want to know how i feel they are more concerned about the hospital and stuff. Why is my life so awful? Hope you lot are better than me x

Hey everyone!

i weigh slightly over the weight they wanted me to be so they have cancelled the admission unless i drop back down.

 im being pressured to eat everything which will put on a few more pounds no doubt

Thanks for helping me all the way x Let me know any of your problems no matter how big or small x

Lizzie x

hey, just a brief post to say well done! its fantastic that you're doing so well - keep on fighting :)

mai xx

well done!!! I am unbelieveably proud of you :-)

I know it seems hard but just keep on eating every meal because that way you won't have to go into hospital!

keep telling us how it's going xxxxxxx

Im doing ok, im trying my best because i can see how upset my mum and dad get!

Thanks alot you guys, Lizzie xx