help

hey i just replied a very jumbled reply to u on chalkeybabys post but now readin this want to write a few more fings

i totaly understand wat ur sayin about so much goin on in the week n in ur head tht wen u get to counselling u dunt seem to b able to say all u want and u feel better a bit ther so it doesnt really need to b said - im the same as soon as im sat in the room i feel safe therfor its seems silly tlkin about wat makes me feel unsafe so i just dunt say it all but then i leav and kik myself for not sayin as then i am stil stuk wen im not sat ther - agen i doubt im makin sense 2nyt sorry

but to tht problem hav u tryed just bullet pointin ur main issues ontht week - write it fru the week so then wen u get to ur appointment u can hnad it over then the councillor had a brief idea of whats goin on and can ask the rigtht questions so it may b easier to respond and say more of want u want? its nuffin ive done myself tho as i hav a fing about writin it down like tht as for me seein it in front of me makes me hate myself a bit more n tht but it may work for u?

hun about livin away n at uni its great u feel u can do tht and ur life had moved on from bein at home - however if u do keep feelin so low and findin things hard wuld familiarity and a warm welcomin hime b a gd place to go (sorry i assume tht) im bad at tht even knowin my home is last place i wana b wen i get low n tht

hun if u did go home u culd get registerd wid the gp ther and the help culd b transfered - it wuldnt b easy but it culd happen u culd stil get support u need and mayb extra as havin family ther n close frends even tho u say they dunt kno wats goin on just the fact ur near them may help?

hun to weight - it doesnt matter wat u weigh its the person inside - u cant deal with many fings at one time so concentrate on gettin better first and wen eating patterns are restored and more normal eating is established weight distributes metabolism works better and are bodys find a natural level. I kno its took my body a while to get sorted and start behaving slitely mor normal and i kno once i stoped bnging and purgign my weight doesnt fluctuate and its at a hke care ealthy level

ok ive ramble dtoo mmuch agen and makin no sense u take care

Hollie,

Firstly, I don't know you, but Im pretty confident that you aren't too heavy for your weight, I mean, you wouldn't have met ana otherwise. And even if you were; would that make you unworthy, incompetent, a sinner? No. Seriously, especially not when an ED is involved.

Secondly, about your home issues, I know im a bit younger than you so don't have this problem, but I would think maybe you should move on; you can't stay at home forever. Of course keep good relations with your mum, but maybe it would be an idea to confide in a friend, easier said then done, especially i imagine at uni but its maybe an idea.

Like I said, my experience is different from yours, so I cant say I have answers, but whatever you do, make sure you keep fighting, and think positively: you have your family, friends and qualifications ahead of you.

Heya hollie.

You are not alone although it may seem like it.

I felt the same about help at home with it all being at uni but I went and registered as a temp person as such.  Your doctors surgery should allow you to do that.  I saw my old gp that I was registered with and she has set me up with a psyc down here in view that not only will they help me at home but that they will work with my support team up in uni to help me both up in scotland and in England back at home so I have support where I am .

Try it.  You can get help back at home even though you have help at uni.

Here if you want to chat.

Take care

xxx

Hunni, try to tell someone. I know thats probably the worst possible senario but you need to talk to someone that can help you get stuff off of your mind. Isnt there anyone at all?

Try to think carefully about what you are gong to say to your councilers and others because then you can talk about the things that are the most important. Keep a diary or write a list of things that are on your mind then youve got no excuses to forget them and you have some kind of plan to stick to.

Try getting in touch with your surgery and then you can talk to someone there too.

Hope this helps xx Lizzie x

hey

thankyou all so much for your replies. it means so much that people reply when u need someone.

id never thought that i could re register with my gp and get help over holidays without losing the help i have at uni. ill definately look into it. 

it went a bit better with my cpn today, in that i actually said some of what was really going on, i think having written it on here kind of helped to clarify it in my mind so that it was easier to say. so yeh i guess writing it down would help, altho it is hard. 

yeh i do really like being at uni and came so close to leaving this year coz things wiv ed were so bad (uni itself and my course i really like) so im kinda amazed that i actually completed 2nd year.

i know the weight shouldnt matter and i love all my friends whatever size they are, but i just cant love myself at this size. also im terrified coz im going to stay at my boyfriends house in 4 weeks and his parent s hvnt seen me for a year and im so much biger than i was then so now ifeel like i have to lose as much weight as i can in this time, even tho i know that this attempt in itself probably wont help and will just make me binge more. its just so scary and im not sure i vcould ever let go of this obsession with weight, altho i have come to realise that the obsession is there whatever size i am or have been. i know i need to focus on other things in life and then like you sya, hopefully the weight will sort itself out. except that its always there, even when im really focused on something else.

but on the positive side today, i stuck to my meal plan all day and even made it thru to teatime (which relly happens) and had some tea, , but not lots and im now writing on here instead

thanku 

lotsa love

hollie xxx 

Heya,

It is a possibility the gp they are there for you. I am surprised your team has not mentioned it to you. It is not re registering as such it is more of filling out a form that makes you a temporay patient of theirs, but ur notes are shared with the dr at uni (the one you are registered with) and the one at home.

So what with your bf parents. If they have any sense the should no that uni students are ment to put on weight because of their diet. It is something that is ment to happen. If they do not know about your ED then blame it on the stress of uni. Always works.

Hope you are ok?

hugs

xxx

hey

im not sure what help there will be for me at home, i still didnt manage to ask about  it.

i dont feel like im living anymore i feel like i just exist and i hate it. 

doesnt matter how determined i start each day, i just screw up in the end anyway. every day i might make it to the afternoon but then i just fail. i feel so fat its disgusting. i cant believe it things that used to be too big for me now dont even fit me so im fatter than i ever was so this ed didnt give me anything in the end. but now what? im just stuck and im not me anymore.

i feel like im going crazy sumtimes.

i hate my life, and myself.

im so sorry to be so negative. i just cant be strong.

hope ur ok

love hollie xxx 

to be honest i just really want to give up. but im not sure where that would get me.. coz every day i try, i fight but i lose. if i give up i still lose. so what difference would it make, or have i infact already given up, since i cant seem to make any changes or make anything better?

all i keep thinking is how did i get here, how do i ever get back? im lost

xxxx 

Heya,

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. Recovery is really hard from what I gather and it takes time and strength that a lot of us feel that we do not have.

It is also hard to start a new with a different team but it is worth it.

Can I ask you this...Who is you? Who is you with out the ED what were you like before you became ill?  who you were before you became ill is the real you. Not who you are now. Except now you are stronger...you just have to find that person which is hard to do.

Although you may not want to hear this but putting on weight is really good thing. However it is a really hard thing to come to terms with. If you are at home and you have no support system in place you are going to find this hard and the relapse may come.

Please sweety doi not give up. You have done so well recently that given up now would be letting you ED win.  Keep going strong...you really do not want to be admitted...you do not want to be forced fed. Putting on the weight is good hard to accept but a good thing.

Take care

xxx

hey

i spoke to my mum who rang my cpn coz im not very good at getting my point across sumtimes. anyway they r looking into what help there will be at home. so thanku cozx i wudnt have thought of it otherwise

ive had a better week, some up some down as always, but generally better. i think im beggining to recognise situations and things earlier that might cause me a problem and sometimes managing to deal woth them better.

hmmm.. who am i? something i wonder a lot! sometimes i think i know, sometimes its like theres a bit of a spark there for a while, something i find in me that keeps me going, other times it doesnt seem to be there. do you know what i mean? im not sure who i am, ill have to keep thinking about that one. who would you say you are?

i think for me with the weight thing, it is finding what my natural body weight would be. this week i lost weight, but i had stuck better to my plan, as i said i had put on weight with the bingeing. my cpn was ok with this because im not underweight.

hoe are you doing?

lotsa love

xxx 

Heya,

I am really glad that your cpn is doing that for you. i guess it helps you to know that you are not and will not be aloe when you are back at home and it is really good that you can ask for the help even though it is through your mum.

I am glad that this week has been a bit better and that you are feeling a little better and sticking to you diet plan.

Who am I? I go by what people tell me. i apparently am a special, amazing person who is really supportive and always thinks of others before herself. How would I describe myself??? is another question. Sometimes I see that I am really supportive and can be I guess this can be shown on these boards. Now I can be really nasty and not mean it. i have always said to other people to look at the positive of everything even if the thing is unbearable to see, hear, or look at. I guess I try to do that in me. Sometimes it doesn't work my looks I cannot think of anything positive about. Other people can...I guess as an ED sufferer we need to look at other people and what they say about us and pick out all the positives at first in order to try and gain a rounded view of ourselves. I say the positives because I guess that we only see the negatives of ourselves, which isn't a bad thing but too much can damage us more than we already are.

I am struggling a bit but I am seeing my GP tomorrow so hopefully she can do something to speed up the process of this referal I am ment to be having but heard nothing of.

How is it going for you? I know you said that at the moment it is going ok I aam well aware that moods come and go and that tomorrow you could feel somethingelse.

Take Care

Keep going strong

xxx

hello how are u? ive just moved bak home, got back yesterday. im trying to think of it as a fresh start and try really stick to my meal plans and work through them with my mum. there is a support group which i can go to whilst i am here. im still thinking about who i am or trying to discover it, but i wrote another post of positives and in some ways i suppose things that are important to me if you want to read it. it is hard to believe those things about yourself that other people say, but im sure that you are all of thsoe ard more, beacuse i dont think people say things that are potive that they dont mean. and yes i would say that you are supportive, you have been supportive to me. it is hard to have a rounded view and i do think that it is important to focus on the postives as much as possible. how did it go with your gp? did you hear anything about your referal? big hugs and lotsa love hollie xxx ps enjoy the sunshine today :-) xxx

Heya

that all sounds positive. Does the self help group work for you. I went to one once and haven't been back since.

I am struggling abit. Still heard nothing from the unit. starting to do my head in. Gp went fine.

Was with a mate today in the sun it is not often we get it but I love it when we do. Also found out that I have now got a full time job so if unit gets back to me I cannot see them coz will not have the time. It is just so hard.

Thanks hun for the post.

Hope you are ok

xxx

hey im not sure about the self help group, i havent been yet. i am a bit apprehensive about it. i may also be going to see a human givens counsellor. im not exactly sur what they do but its supposed to be helpful! so sorry you are struggling. it can be hard when you are waiting on things and dont hear back. i find that appointments sumtimes give u hope, so its a shame u still havent heard anything. cold u ring them up to find out whats going on? im sure that ur job would allow you sum time off to see the unit. im going to have to ask that a lot as im doin a placement year from august so will have to ask all my employers for time to go to my appointments, beacuse in the end i think that the appointments and recovery are the most important. and thats great uve got a job as you now have sumthing to do to keep u occupied. whats the job if u dont mind me asking? ive been applying for jobs but not very successfully! take care hope you are ok xxx

Heya,

Doesn't matter if job will alow time off or not for me to see the unit coz I am not going. Found out yesterday that the refuse to treat me. That is just based on a letter never saw or spoke to me at all. ido not think that there is much hope for recovery for me anymore.

I found it hard to get a job eventually joined an agency the got me the one that i started today.

Hows you?

xxx