Creativity Corner

This page is for all things creative. One of our creative Ambassadors will be editing this page. So send in your poems, short stories, etc. (If you have created a sketch or painting you might want to take photo and e-mail it as we wont be able to send it back)

Your contributions can be on any topic. They don’t have to be based around your experience of eating disorders. Creativity corner can be a place where you may be able to escape from thoughts of your eating disorder, if even for a short time. Please send any contributions to ypf@b-eat.co.uk.

Please note that all contributions can only be material that you have produced yourself, please don't send in poetry, songs, stories or artwork by other people. Material will be put up subject to our team's discretion.

Also note that creative work can provoke an emotional reaction so be kind to yourselves while viewing.

as i sit here...

as i sit here
i begin to wonder
as i sit here
i begin to ponder

as i sit here
everything blurs
as i sit here
my thoughts are hers

as i sit here
i become confused
as i sit here
my mind is abused

as i sit here
i feel out of control
as i sit here
everything takes it's toll

as i sit here
the tears start to fall
as i sit here
i feel so small

as i sit here
i feel so alone
as i sit here
i feel unknown

as i sit here
everything feels so wrong
as i sit here
i feel i don't belong

as i sit here
i am so cold
as i sit here
i'm trapped by her hold

as i sit here
i am ill
as i sit here
i am still

as i sit here
i have lost all order
as i sit here
i have an eating disorder

Catherine

A poem to inspire you...

Friendship.

Friends are such a joy to have

A precious gift to treasure

Somebody who’s so close to you

Their company always a pleasure

Body

This is a poem that illustrates the descent into an eating disorder and the struggle to fight against it and come through the other side.

When I was younger just fourteen
I didn’t want my weight to be seen
I stepped upon the scales one day
And said I will lose my weight some way
My mother would say what you had to eat
I had to say something or id be dead meat
The weight I lost I couldn’t see
I still wanted there to be a thinner me
Throwing up is what I did
But no-one knew cuz I kept it well hid
Some weeks Id tend to starve myself
And I didnt see the damage it had done to my health
Food food everywhere
But I couldn’t be bothered I just didn’t care
you’ve got to eat people would say
Then I would yell just go away
you’ve got a problem so don’t deny
I havent honest I had to lie
I couldn’t bare all my weight
All I could feel was bodily hate
Days weeks months went by
All I wanted to do was cry
It was becoming a major obsession
So I felt it was time to make a confession
I knew that it was just to late
But felt it was time to tell a mate
She yelled at me and had a go
But deep deep down I just thought so
At that moment I thought I was fine
Id sort it out in my own good time
She looked at me and said oh my
Keep losing more and in the end you’ll die
I couldn’t believe what she had said
all sorts of things went through my head
She looked at me and I looked blank
I felt as if it was some kind of prank
All this now seemed so brand new
And I didn’t no what to do
My size went from fourteen down to eight
But I still felt my body hate
Friends and family worried sick
But I didn’t care if I looked like a stick
Selfish as it maybe
Its not up to them its down to me
Real help came a year down the line
But four years later it still isn’t fine
You need support for problems like that
Cause once you’ve started theres no turning back
It stays with you throughout your life
Its like a scar from a knife
It’s a problem that wont go away
You just have to take it day by day

Danielle

A poem

Flesh and fat entwine me

In my mind, the shame I feel

Held tight by all the lies.

Trapped: I’m being shrouded with

Disgust and pitied on my tears;

My soft and squishy frame

Curves round and bars me,

In my head hatred swirls and spews;

I’m in my lonely prison

Where this is life, this torture, when they

Push it in front of me,

Fat oozing out of its crevices,

Crying out to be ravished,

I hold my stomach taught

And inside I retch. And as I’m

Sick and repulsed I know it’s

Mirrored in other’s eyes

As they look down on me

I’m wound up and chained, my

Stomach a bubbling pit of wax

And they see no further than

Pained eyes and weak smile,

My veil of disguise.

I want…

When asking people what they want

there’s many different replies you will hear.

I want to be famous

rich

a big fast car

a giant house

a pony

a handsome rich husband

a beautiful wife

are just some of the things you many hear all these things would be nice but what do I want?

I want to be happy for a day

to be able to eat 3 meals a day

to be able to eat sweets and chocolate and not feel bad I want to feel normal not compare myself to others I want a day without thoughts of food 24:7 all these things people take for granted is it to much just to have these things for myself just one day

24 hours would be great

or am I such a bad person

a failure

who deserves none of these things

as I've always been told

those who want

don't get

Jen

Living with ANA

Through anorexia’s eyes the worlds a different place,
Every journey made is within ‘walking distance’,
Every mirror illuminates every fabricated flaw,
Everyone else is fulfilling their potential,
Everyone else has model like features,
I remain plain, unattractive, un noticed and self enclosed.

Through anorexia’s ears words hold different meanings,
A simple comment becomes a maddening criticism,
A well intended compliment becomes an insult or condemnation,
“You look well” implies the need for further weight loss,
“You look terrible” provokes an erge to diet.
“You don’t look underweight” is the problem, through anorexia’s eyes despite emaciation i never have and never will.
I remain infuriated, perplexed and misunderstood.

Through anorexia’s schedule, time is a contradiction,
An hour drags when calories are consumed,
The time speeds up when enjoyment is had,
There’s not enough time to extinguish the guilt,
There’s too much time to live with it.
I remain anxiety ridden, on edge and dispirited.

Through anorexia’s logic every action has distorted purpose,
Every calorie is consumed with intent,
Every energy unit expelled with consequence,
Every day spent self destructing is a success,
Every move closer to personal freedom is discouraged.
I remain torn, exhausted and erratic. 

Through anorexia’s plans life remains unfulfilled,
My destiny is at best an early grave leaving behind mainly sordid memories,
My relationship remnants are muddled and misused,
My prospective talents are contained in a cage infuriated by entrapment.
There’s an obvious solution, an appealing option, a desired alternative route – FREEDOM.
I see it ahead and it warms my heart,
I hear its approach and it tingles my spine,
I internalise its prospects and I feel slight elation,
I want it, I wont let it pass me by, freedom can be mine. 

By anorexia’s rules I would never be allowed to live, I would never sleep or rest or recharge, I would only serve her,
To anorexia I’m merely a rag doll, to be dealt with in a callous manner, torn to shreds in times of despair,
I cannot live like this – its my life which I need to reclaim,
Its my direction I need to locate, its my voice I need to rediscover,
Its me – not anorexia – who needs to be in charge from this point on,
For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, I’ve been abused and unhappy in this relationship for too long – my partner is my sole and its there, I’m there – together I am me and I can conquer this, by tossing anorexia to the curb side, I’m allowing the world to see the real me!
The real me is who I am, who I’m meant to be, this minor blip has served its sentence, but now I’m setting myself free!

Natalie

Living with ANA

I wish I could see my future in a positive way,
And not regret every day,
Living like there's no me anymore
Thats what i miss most of all
I can't remember how I use to be
Living without ana would be bliss to me
Yet I'm scared to let go
It's my safety blanket the only one I know
Calories and exercise is all i think
No more joys of clothes,boys,all nice things
I still don't feel thin enough
The despair and desire is just to much
Why does food scare me so much
If I cannot exercise it all off
Lying has become so easy to me
I did not mean to but what else could I say
I don't feel hunger anymore
Its another type of pain I now endure
Life feels better in some way
I know thats a strange thing to say
But its so hard to imagine what life could be like
Having no thought of food on my mind
To eat without feeling bad would be great
Oh to just live one normal day
Maybe if I don't give up
I will begin to have good luck
Thats what i hope most of all
To live my future
No ana anymore.

By Emma

Lost

i had pushed them away long ago

but got through it and on with the flow

i had no-one there to guide the path

no-one to share my occasional laugh

then i found this that saved me from

my thoughts that felt like a ticking bomb everything there inside of my head but no one to listen nor words to be said

i began to see i wasn't alone

that there were people there and this wasn't unknown they responded to what i had to say not judging but in a caring way

then one night our luck did change

and we became closer, our lives not so strange the distance between grew closer, each time rules had been broken and moved out of line

there broken down barries, were no regret and proved to be life lines and the next step i have begun to climb up each stair in the strong company of those who care

over time we have slipped down

but with the help of others been picked up off the ground we have broken down each others walls and been there to hear each others calls

Catherine

Mealtimes

Feeding time for my monster
Current mood: disappointed

There is a monster
Who resides inside
Feeds on fear and
Emotions that hide.
Feelings not felt
Buried alive all is
food for the
Monster inside
He eats and swells
then errupts with
violence, spewing forth
fear in a torrent of
undigested, stuffed down
food.
That acts as momentary relief....... Until its feeding time again in hell
Then he rumbles, away with the love
Stuff me with food, abuse and regret
Dont have self love
You cannot forget all you have done is not good, give me food
TO not feed me would be incredibly rude
So i comply to keep him quiet
I tried to get rid and i did for a while
But the hole in my heart lets him back inside
So the monster is there
the demons inside
Seems hes with me for the whole ride
Of life
I tried and i tried
But i cannot get rid
Of that monster inside

Mirror

     R

My Friend Anna.

Hello there anna.

Will you take me away?

I am not the person I saw in the mirror yesterday.

Will you shield me from myself?

Will you tell me different from everyone elce?

To take the pain ? to help me sleep,

To give me strength although I am so weak.

To black all my troubles from my tired eyes?

The ones I loved ? I now despise.

To let me know that you understand.

To be with me a helping hand.

You given what you give, don?t leave me be You help me to live, though your killing me.

You and I are a team, the others are banished.

They sit and cry as they watch me vanish.

We can carry on, carry on and pretend.

But is it really worth it in the end.

And so goodbye Anna, my dearest friend

Hello there anna.

Will you take me away?

I am not the person I saw in the mirror yesterday.

Will you shield me from myself?

Will you tell me different from everyone elce?

To take the pain ? to help me sleep,

To give me strength although I am so weak.

To black all my troubles from my tired eyes?

The ones I loved ? I now despise.

To let me know that you understand.

To be with me a helping hand.

You given what you give, don?t leave me be You help me to live, though your killing me.

You and I are a team, the others are banished.

They sit and cry as they watch me vanish.

We can carry on, carry on and pretend.

But is it really worth it in the end.

And so goodbye Anna, my dearest friend

My inside struggle

Every day I feel the same

It all becomes a blur

So lost inside this feeling that

I sometimes forget I'm her

To be alone is not advised

I'll only be ill again

I have to be quiet and disguised

I cannot tell my friends

I live with a mind that niggles at me

And a body that wishes to change

If anyone knew, about this side of me

They'd only think me strange

So I struggle alone for as long as I can

Until I start to fear of myself

So my parents I tell I confide within

And they advice me to gain self help

I'm embarrassed and lonely and lost in my mind

That to tell someone who I don't know

Proves difficult and I struggle

My feelings I find hard to show

Will my life ever change?

Will I be normal again?

Will I feel well again?

My relationship with a Mirror

‘Am I fat?’
Yes, look at yourself…
 I stare at the ripples of fat;
 The rounded face;
 The bloodshot eyes,
 ‘What do I do?’
Lose it.
I look closer, ‘I can’t’
‘Get rid of it before the fat gets absorbed!’
I don’t argue.
‘More’
I continue. One more time, then I’ll stop.
‘No you won’t. You can’t’

My confidence rises as my clothes become baggier.
‘See?’
Food is my enemy.
Family are my enemy.
‘They’re jealous, you’re healthier than they are, look at you.’
Vegtables fill my plate.
I ignore the dribbling, pale slab of steaming pork.
I don’t take a dollop of mash like the others.
Cake has no place in my vocabulary.

Breakfast is carefully noted down.
Lunch, an apple, is scribbled down too.
‘I hope no one ever looks at this diary…’

‘You can lose more’
I know, and continue to agree.

Four years later…
No periods.
Thinning hair.
Dark eyes.
Slow metabolism.
Dry, malnourished skin.
And gaining weight quicker than ever before.

Am I fat?
Yes, look at yourself…
I stare at the ripples of fat;
 The rounded face;
 The bloodshot eyes,
 ‘What do I do?’
Break up with me.

My Ways Explained

The biscuit eaten,

I feel your embrace,

Yet my mind thinks nothing

But pure disgrace.

My face plays a smile,

Yet it’s telling a lie,

If you could hear my thoughts,

You’d know my mind wants to die.

To hide in a hole,

To never return,

As my stomach continues,

To toss, to churn.

A baggy jumper,

A t-shirt or two

Anything that,

May hide the proof.

The abuses in my head,

Continue to reign

To shoot me down

In verbal pain.

Your voice my shout,

My mouth my plead,

As that voice in my head,

Continues to succeed.

No food is worth it,

My mouth may say,

But my heart wants it to be

Normal one day.

When with my friends

A smirk will do

A silly gesture or comment,

A joke or two

Anything that

Disguises this great feat,

It is to sit hear,

It is to eat.

Twisted Reflection

Twisted Mirror on the wall,
Who’s the thinnest one of all?
Is it I with my body so bony?
In this world where beauty has become so phoney?
Dull face and tired, worn expression,
Body consumed by this obsession.
But people say you lie to me,
And a twisted reflection is all that I can see.
But I can’t believe them due to what I am shown,
As the twisted version of me is all I’ve ever known.
 
 
Abigail

Time

Times moving on yet my thoughts stay still,
My body looks recovered, but my mind remains ill.
How can I tell people the truth that doesn’t show?
Do I carry on lying or tell them what I know?

Time and time again, I opt for pretence,
So much easier than letting down my defence.
Does it really matter if silence I endure?
No one can make me better, for me there is no cure.

It’s getting harder and harder to continue in this way,
Further down I fall each and every day.
Out is what I need, an end to all this sorrow,
A chance to rid myself of the chance of seeing tomorrow.

Day by day things begin to change,
My feelings improve, my hormones don’t rage.
Am I getting better, or is it pretence I still hold?
Confusions setting in again, will I ever break this mould?

I’m starting to question each and every thing,
Can’t seem to live life without knowing what it’ll bring.
Will it be good or just more of the same?
Don’t want anymore heartache, just an opiate for this pain.

Someone help me please, I’ve lost my inner me.
Don’t know how to act like the person I should be.
Do I smile, act nice and be happy?
Do I mask my aches and pains?
Someone help me out so from the wrong actions I refrain.

daniella

Sarah Greenwood Images

"My work focuses on women's body issues, and mainly consists of photographs of women's body's. The aim of my work is to improve women's self esteem, by showing images of real woman with real curves."