Poetry

Anorexia, the Ruler of My Mind

Chilling words from your icy voice
Anorexia, the ruler of my mind.
 
Of course I will not disobey,
I have been to strong to long and now,
It is my time to fall
Bow to you
Sacrifice me
Eat nothing
Let you run free.
 
Your icy fingers grip me tight
I no that what you ask, I want to fight
I cant.
 
You're to experienced compared to me,
Little girl in a world to big to face,
Girl to fat to find her place
 
Anorexia, you say its my only hope
I must follow you to learn to cope
Its ok, cannibalism isn't allowed,
but eating oneself from the inside out is perfectly legal
Perfectly pleasing
Perfectly you.
 
Anorexia, if I died, what would you gain?
You're grip couldn't last on a dead girls mouth
Could it?
Would you hold me forever? Keep me safe?
Sing me that sweet lullaby
The one I crave
 
Chilling words from your icy voice
Anorexia the ruler of my mind.

Anorexias Lullaby

Sleep dear child, close thyn eyes
You think not that I plot your demise
Dance in the darkness and work out what's right
Believe in me and I'll grip to you tight.
Perfection is beauty, and beauty takes work
So keep up your effort, you'll see where I lurk
Innocent sweetheart, you will learn lies
You will fake happiness, you will despise
I will perfect you, so listen to me
You will not eat if you I can see
Our aim is for nothing, only to fade
But come my dear child, do not be afraid
I will take care of you, look after your needs
Shout when you stumble, you'll never be free.

as i sit here...

as i sit here
i begin to wonder
as i sit here
i begin to ponder

as i sit here
everything blurs
as i sit here
my thoughts are hers

as i sit here
i become confused
as i sit here
my mind is abused

as i sit here
i feel out of control
as i sit here
everything takes it's toll

as i sit here
the tears start to fall
as i sit here
i feel so small

as i sit here
i feel so alone
as i sit here
i feel unknown

as i sit here
everything feels so wrong
as i sit here
i feel i don't belong

as i sit here
i am so cold
as i sit here
i'm trapped by her hold

as i sit here
i am ill
as i sit here
i am still

as i sit here
i have lost all order
as i sit here
i have an eating disorder

Catherine

B.E.A.T- A Tribute

There are many people out there that care about you,
That hope and pray that you're ok.
There are many people out there that are suffering,
Just like you.

There are many people that are scared,
That feed on other people.
There are many people in treatment,
Get the help they deserve.

There are not many people going through what you are,
That makes you so alone.
There are not many people that know about B-eat,
So lets reach out and help them along.

There are many people who look for help
Just not many people find it.
I am glad that I have found B-eat,
And all the people inside it.

The warmth and happiness,
The love and sadness.
For on here I have never felt alone
So thank you kindly to the mods and all you kind people.

By butterflies32

Body

This is a poem that illustrates the descent into an eating disorder and the struggle to fight against it and come through the other side.

When I was younger just fourteen
I didn’t want my weight to be seen
I stepped upon the scales one day
And said I will lose my weight some way
My mother would say what you had to eat
I had to say something or id be dead meat
The weight I lost I couldn’t see
I still wanted there to be a thinner me
Throwing up is what I did
But no-one knew cuz I kept it well hid
Some weeks Id tend to starve myself
And I didnt see the damage it had done to my health
Food food everywhere
But I couldn’t be bothered I just didn’t care
you’ve got to eat people would say
Then I would yell just go away
you’ve got a problem so don’t deny
I havent honest I had to lie
I couldn’t bare all my weight
All I could feel was bodily hate
Days weeks months went by
All I wanted to do was cry
It was becoming a major obsession
So I felt it was time to make a confession
I knew that it was just to late
But felt it was time to tell a mate
She yelled at me and had a go
But deep deep down I just thought so
At that moment I thought I was fine
Id sort it out in my own good time
She looked at me and said oh my
Keep losing more and in the end you’ll die
I couldn’t believe what she had said
all sorts of things went through my head
She looked at me and I looked blank
I felt as if it was some kind of prank
All this now seemed so brand new
And I didn’t no what to do
My size went from fourteen down to eight
But I still felt my body hate
Friends and family worried sick
But I didn’t care if I looked like a stick
Selfish as it maybe
Its not up to them its down to me
Real help came a year down the line
But four years later it still isn’t fine
You need support for problems like that
Cause once you’ve started theres no turning back
It stays with you throughout your life
Its like a scar from a knife
It’s a problem that wont go away
You just have to take it day by day

Danielle

A poem

Flesh and fat entwine me

In my mind, the shame I feel

Held tight by all the lies.

Trapped: I’m being shrouded with

Disgust and pitied on my tears;

My soft and squishy frame

Curves round and bars me,

In my head hatred swirls and spews;

I’m in my lonely prison

Where this is life, this torture, when they

Push it in front of me,

Fat oozing out of its crevices,

Crying out to be ravished,

I hold my stomach taught

And inside I retch. And as I’m

Sick and repulsed I know it’s

Mirrored in other’s eyes

As they look down on me

I’m wound up and chained, my

Stomach a bubbling pit of wax

And they see no further than

Pained eyes and weak smile,

My veil of disguise.

I didn't see it coming

By Samphire

INNOCENCE

“An innocence so frail
Takes all my will to keep
When age permits itself
I try to hide and seek
The last opportunity
Available to see
Prevent degeneration
Keep myself sleek
As I hear your ten commandments
Leave a trail all over me
So clearly I can see
On much of your thinspiration
An ever-growing tree
A tree that I abuse
Develop then misuse
So sour are it’s fruits
It took a hold of me too soon
Within that first bite
I knew what I had to do
Though to such an extreme length
I didn’t have a clue.”

Chloe

It is hard for me to live with these feelings..

I wrote this poem obout the way my life and frienships ahve been affected by my isolation.

You don’t know me.

Everything you say I hate you for And you did nothing other than love me more

But I never told you anything At all

You just assumed we are okay, but you didn’t even see me go

I am no longer who you used to know

I do not understand your trivial life

I wish I could enjoy the little things with you in life

But I can’t And I only hate you more…

Sometimes I am angry because you simply do not know

The things you think I choose not to show

I smile and pretend that we are friends,

And we are we are as friendly as I am happy

I am so sorry that things are not the way they were

But you are the reminder, of everything I blame myself for

I still hear you so politely; As we walk through brightly lit spaces

But do you even know?

About the hate and pain I do not show

I want…

When asking people what they want

there’s many different replies you will hear.

I want to be famous

rich

a big fast car

a giant house

a pony

a handsome rich husband

a beautiful wife

are just some of the things you many hear all these things would be nice but what do I want?

I want to be happy for a day

to be able to eat 3 meals a day

to be able to eat sweets and chocolate and not feel bad I want to feel normal not compare myself to others I want a day without thoughts of food 24:7 all these things people take for granted is it to much just to have these things for myself just one day

24 hours would be great

or am I such a bad person

a failure

who deserves none of these things

as I've always been told

those who want

don't get

Jen

I want to live

I want to live,
I want to know.
I'd like to give
True happiness a go.

It may be tough,
It's not always fair.
Though the path is rough,
I know I can get there.

Recovery is long,
I know this is true.
But don't get me wrong..
It IS worthwhile to do.

There is so much out there,
So much there for me.
Life wont always be a nightmare,
One day I will be free.

I want to laugh and smile,
Without feeling bad.
It will be nice to go a while
Without feeling sad.

I don't know for sure
How life will be..
When I look in the mirror
And I accept what I see.

But with all of my might,
I am willing to try.
I have recovery in sight..
Farewell Anorexia....Goodbye!!!

by Daisy

Living with ANA

Through anorexia’s eyes the worlds a different place,
Every journey made is within ‘walking distance’,
Every mirror illuminates every fabricated flaw,
Everyone else is fulfilling their potential,
Everyone else has model like features,
I remain plain, unattractive, un noticed and self enclosed.

Through anorexia’s ears words hold different meanings,
A simple comment becomes a maddening criticism,
A well intended compliment becomes an insult or condemnation,
“You look well” implies the need for further weight loss,
“You look terrible” provokes an erge to diet.
“You don’t look underweight” is the problem, through anorexia’s eyes despite emaciation i never have and never will.
I remain infuriated, perplexed and misunderstood.

Through anorexia’s schedule, time is a contradiction,
An hour drags when calories are consumed,
The time speeds up when enjoyment is had,
There’s not enough time to extinguish the guilt,
There’s too much time to live with it.
I remain anxiety ridden, on edge and dispirited.

Through anorexia’s logic every action has distorted purpose,
Every calorie is consumed with intent,
Every energy unit expelled with consequence,
Every day spent self destructing is a success,
Every move closer to personal freedom is discouraged.
I remain torn, exhausted and erratic. 

Through anorexia’s plans life remains unfulfilled,
My destiny is at best an early grave leaving behind mainly sordid memories,
My relationship remnants are muddled and misused,
My prospective talents are contained in a cage infuriated by entrapment.
There’s an obvious solution, an appealing option, a desired alternative route – FREEDOM.
I see it ahead and it warms my heart,
I hear its approach and it tingles my spine,
I internalise its prospects and I feel slight elation,
I want it, I wont let it pass me by, freedom can be mine. 

By anorexia’s rules I would never be allowed to live, I would never sleep or rest or recharge, I would only serve her,
To anorexia I’m merely a rag doll, to be dealt with in a callous manner, torn to shreds in times of despair,
I cannot live like this – its my life which I need to reclaim,
Its my direction I need to locate, its my voice I need to rediscover,
Its me – not anorexia – who needs to be in charge from this point on,
For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, I’ve been abused and unhappy in this relationship for too long – my partner is my sole and its there, I’m there – together I am me and I can conquer this, by tossing anorexia to the curb side, I’m allowing the world to see the real me!
The real me is who I am, who I’m meant to be, this minor blip has served its sentence, but now I’m setting myself free!

Natalie

Living with ANA

I wish I could see my future in a positive way,
And not regret every day,
Living like there's no me anymore
Thats what i miss most of all
I can't remember how I use to be
Living without ana would be bliss to me
Yet I'm scared to let go
It's my safety blanket the only one I know
Calories and exercise is all i think
No more joys of clothes,boys,all nice things
I still don't feel thin enough
The despair and desire is just to much
Why does food scare me so much
If I cannot exercise it all off
Lying has become so easy to me
I did not mean to but what else could I say
I don't feel hunger anymore
Its another type of pain I now endure
Life feels better in some way
I know thats a strange thing to say
But its so hard to imagine what life could be like
Having no thought of food on my mind
To eat without feeling bad would be great
Oh to just live one normal day
Maybe if I don't give up
I will begin to have good luck
Thats what i hope most of all
To live my future
No ana anymore.

By Emma

Living with the unwanted visitor … Bulimia

Dear Mum and Dad,

I am sorry how life
Has come to a halt
I feel I am guilty
As if it’s my fault

Lonely and ashamed
I am hollow inside
I could form a whole ocean
With the tears that I’ve cried

This unwanted visitor
My mind has devised
Makes me suffer in silence
Her torments disguised.

If only I could see,
Through different eyes
My reflection might differ
To those incessant lies

Like rooftops on houses
Or clouds with the sky
One day I’ll be harmonious
With my body and try …

To fight for my freedom
No black dog by my side
No longer the hunger
For beauty … but pride. 
 
With Love Gemma xxx

Lost

i had pushed them away long ago

but got through it and on with the flow

i had no-one there to guide the path

no-one to share my occasional laugh

then i found this that saved me from

my thoughts that felt like a ticking bomb everything there inside of my head but no one to listen nor words to be said

i began to see i wasn't alone

that there were people there and this wasn't unknown they responded to what i had to say not judging but in a caring way

then one night our luck did change

and we became closer, our lives not so strange the distance between grew closer, each time rules had been broken and moved out of line

there broken down barries, were no regret and proved to be life lines and the next step i have begun to climb up each stair in the strong company of those who care

over time we have slipped down

but with the help of others been picked up off the ground we have broken down each others walls and been there to hear each others calls

Catherine

Mealtimes

Feeding time for my monster
Current mood: disappointed

There is a monster
Who resides inside
Feeds on fear and
Emotions that hide.
Feelings not felt
Buried alive all is
food for the
Monster inside
He eats and swells
then errupts with
violence, spewing forth
fear in a torrent of
undigested, stuffed down
food.
That acts as momentary relief....... Until its feeding time again in hell
Then he rumbles, away with the love
Stuff me with food, abuse and regret
Dont have self love
You cannot forget all you have done is not good, give me food
TO not feed me would be incredibly rude
So i comply to keep him quiet
I tried to get rid and i did for a while
But the hole in my heart lets him back inside
So the monster is there
the demons inside
Seems hes with me for the whole ride
Of life
I tried and i tried
But i cannot get rid
Of that monster inside

Mirror

     R

My Friend Anna.

Hello there anna.

Will you take me away?

I am not the person I saw in the mirror yesterday.

Will you shield me from myself?

Will you tell me different from everyone elce?

To take the pain ? to help me sleep,

To give me strength although I am so weak.

To black all my troubles from my tired eyes?

The ones I loved ? I now despise.

To let me know that you understand.

To be with me a helping hand.

You given what you give, don?t leave me be You help me to live, though your killing me.

You and I are a team, the others are banished.

They sit and cry as they watch me vanish.

We can carry on, carry on and pretend.

But is it really worth it in the end.

And so goodbye Anna, my dearest friend

Hello there anna.

Will you take me away?

I am not the person I saw in the mirror yesterday.

Will you shield me from myself?

Will you tell me different from everyone elce?

To take the pain ? to help me sleep,

To give me strength although I am so weak.

To black all my troubles from my tired eyes?

The ones I loved ? I now despise.

To let me know that you understand.

To be with me a helping hand.

You given what you give, don?t leave me be You help me to live, though your killing me.

You and I are a team, the others are banished.

They sit and cry as they watch me vanish.

We can carry on, carry on and pretend.

But is it really worth it in the end.

And so goodbye Anna, my dearest friend

My inside struggle

Every day I feel the same

It all becomes a blur

So lost inside this feeling that

I sometimes forget I'm her

To be alone is not advised

I'll only be ill again

I have to be quiet and disguised

I cannot tell my friends

I live with a mind that niggles at me

And a body that wishes to change

If anyone knew, about this side of me

They'd only think me strange

So I struggle alone for as long as I can

Until I start to fear of myself

So my parents I tell I confide within

And they advice me to gain self help

I'm embarrassed and lonely and lost in my mind

That to tell someone who I don't know

Proves difficult and I struggle

My feelings I find hard to show

Will my life ever change?

Will I be normal again?

Will I feel well again?

My Little Safe Haven

My little safe haven is unlike one of yours,
It isn't full of teddy bears or warm inviting doors.
It isn't filled with fluffy clouds, or candyfloss or sweets;
It isn't with my family or under crisp Wight sheets.

My little safe haven is hidden deep inside,
It’s where I spend my hours, it’s where I like to hide.
It’s where I can feel safe again, forget about the rest
It’s where I sit and plan all day, I plan to be the best.

My little safe haven has plans I can not show,
The things that I find comforting whenever I feel low.
The scales on the bathroom floor, the numbers in my head,
The calories and fat grams, so carefully I tread.

My little safe haven makes all of this ok;
It tells me I can carry on, just for another day.
It tells me vomiting is normal, and restricting is just fine
It tells me I don't want to change it, this secret is just mine.

My little safe haven doesn't seem so safe,
It will not let me stop till I look like a waif
It will not let me rest in peace, it will not let me think
It will not let me keep food down until it sees me shrink.

My little safe haven seems here to stay forever
It does not let me cut the ties, these ties I try to sever
It does not let me say goodbye and live my life again
It does not let me do this because there's still too much pain.

My relationship with a Mirror

‘Am I fat?’
Yes, look at yourself…
 I stare at the ripples of fat;
 The rounded face;
 The bloodshot eyes,
 ‘What do I do?’
Lose it.
I look closer, ‘I can’t’
‘Get rid of it before the fat gets absorbed!’
I don’t argue.
‘More’
I continue. One more time, then I’ll stop.
‘No you won’t. You can’t’

My confidence rises as my clothes become baggier.
‘See?’
Food is my enemy.
Family are my enemy.
‘They’re jealous, you’re healthier than they are, look at you.’
Vegtables fill my plate.
I ignore the dribbling, pale slab of steaming pork.
I don’t take a dollop of mash like the others.
Cake has no place in my vocabulary.

Breakfast is carefully noted down.
Lunch, an apple, is scribbled down too.
‘I hope no one ever looks at this diary…’

‘You can lose more’
I know, and continue to agree.

Four years later…
No periods.
Thinning hair.
Dark eyes.
Slow metabolism.
Dry, malnourished skin.
And gaining weight quicker than ever before.

Am I fat?
Yes, look at yourself…
I stare at the ripples of fat;
 The rounded face;
 The bloodshot eyes,
 ‘What do I do?’
Break up with me.

My Ways Explained

The biscuit eaten,

I feel your embrace,

Yet my mind thinks nothing

But pure disgrace.

My face plays a smile,

Yet it’s telling a lie,

If you could hear my thoughts,

You’d know my mind wants to die.

To hide in a hole,

To never return,

As my stomach continues,

To toss, to churn.

A baggy jumper,

A t-shirt or two

Anything that,

May hide the proof.

The abuses in my head,

Continue to reign

To shoot me down

In verbal pain.

Your voice my shout,

My mouth my plead,

As that voice in my head,

Continues to succeed.

No food is worth it,

My mouth may say,

But my heart wants it to be

Normal one day.

When with my friends

A smirk will do

A silly gesture or comment,

A joke or two

Anything that

Disguises this great feat,

It is to sit hear,

It is to eat.

SUBLIME

“Weighing scales speak loud and clear
“Lose that pound”, the voice of fear
Panic, chaos the battle is near
The internal cry’s of a choking tear.
She’s there all the time and only I know
Of the way you look, the sadness and woe.
A secret disguise in a cloak of my mind
The one whose troubles seemed so sublime.”

Chloe

Twisted Reflection

Twisted Mirror on the wall,
Who’s the thinnest one of all?
Is it I with my body so bony?
In this world where beauty has become so phoney?
Dull face and tired, worn expression,
Body consumed by this obsession.
But people say you lie to me,
And a twisted reflection is all that I can see.
But I can’t believe them due to what I am shown,
As the twisted version of me is all I’ve ever known.
 
 
Abigail

Time

Times moving on yet my thoughts stay still,
My body looks recovered, but my mind remains ill.
How can I tell people the truth that doesn’t show?
Do I carry on lying or tell them what I know?

Time and time again, I opt for pretence,
So much easier than letting down my defence.
Does it really matter if silence I endure?
No one can make me better, for me there is no cure.

It’s getting harder and harder to continue in this way,
Further down I fall each and every day.
Out is what I need, an end to all this sorrow,
A chance to rid myself of the chance of seeing tomorrow.

Day by day things begin to change,
My feelings improve, my hormones don’t rage.
Am I getting better, or is it pretence I still hold?
Confusions setting in again, will I ever break this mould?

I’m starting to question each and every thing,
Can’t seem to live life without knowing what it’ll bring.
Will it be good or just more of the same?
Don’t want anymore heartache, just an opiate for this pain.

Someone help me please, I’ve lost my inner me.
Don’t know how to act like the person I should be.
Do I smile, act nice and be happy?
Do I mask my aches and pains?
Someone help me out so from the wrong actions I refrain.

daniella

VOICE

One day a voice came into my head

That plagued me by day, and haunted my bed.

Cunning, conniving, ugly and loud,

That once little voice soon cast a black cloud.

As time continued it grew day by day,

Leading my thoughts and my feelings astray,

Its grip was a vice and it wouldn’t let go

Yet through all the torture, no-one could know.

The voice was my secret I hid from them all

Within I was big but without I was small.

I let it exist and take over my mind,

I searched for the answers that no-one can find.

My life became numbers and panic and fear,

Aiming for goals that I shouldn’t get near.

Lonely and restless, tired and cold,

Allowing the voice to strengthen its hold.

Soon I was lost, a prisoner inside,

Nothing to lose but so much to hide.

Life was existence and not a thing more,

And even existence became such a chore.

Help came along, in one form or two,

But never the sort that found its way through;

The voice wouldn’t listen to what should make sense,

It fought with a vengeance and made me seem dense.

Why did I listen? I ask to this day,

For still I am stuck and it won’t go away.

I know there is life when this voice isn’t here

I had that life once when my vision was clear.

Childhood innocence cannot return,

But ways to move on from the past one can learn.

To all those behind me to keep me on track

I know there will come a day I can look back;

Back on these dark days I carry on through,

When I will be thankful to each one of you.

Where there is darkness there has to come light,

And victory means you must put up a fight.

So I’ll keep on fighting this voice in my head,

I’ll make it diminish until it is dead.

Then I will see what life really brings

When the sun breaks the darkness and the bird heals its wings...

By Caitlin McFee

When I look in the mirror

When i look in the mirror i see
a person staring back at me
she is tall and has blonde hair
she just wants people to know she's there
 
When i look in the mirror i see
a person staring back at me
with mascara running from her eyes
with a smile on her face she hides her cries
 
When i look in the mirror i see
a person staring back at me
i have problems i think I'm fat
my friends all say " that's not true don't say that"
 
When i look in the mirror i see
a person staring back at me
she has to change before its to late
before she looses he true best mate
 
When i look in the mirror i see
a person staring back at me
she has a family that love her to bits
but of time of witch she cant admit
 
When i look in the mirror i see
a person in the future i want to be
i want to be different let my self free
but at the moment i want to be anyone but me
   
                   ***
 
when i look in the stars i see
my uncle bryan looking down on me
he says im perfect the way i am
he was a kind and wonderful man

Alysia

You hear your own voice...

You hear your own voice when your screaming "i can't" the words aren't literal there as silent as your secret smile

The belief there is nobody quite like you, nobody quite like who you are. The isolated exception to all the rules

You think you are immortal, and that you must repent the sins you have done. That you have a power a duty that weighs heavy on your heart

You know your not like other people your age, an originality you once aspired to is now the heavy burden, a sickening feeling that weighs heavy on your soul

The feelings you bear crawl to the surface, but your tears have long dried.

People around you miss all the signs in the quick paced area of their own lives.

Friends are a million miles away, even when they are at the end of the line. You can't tell them what your still writhing to understand..

A choking belief you have done something bad, the only relief to search the magnified proportions of your sad self

They tell you they will never leave your side, but the loneliness speaks louder than there good natured words.

You wonder if you care for others enough- a desire for perfection- is an absolute must

Sparse chances at breaking away make you realize this is what you've become. Asking yourself if it was all made up, if your deliberate, like the struggles simply aren't enough.

The anxieties beg for attention, a retching feeling that you want for bad things..a Crippling.. detention holds you within

Suddenly you believe one person holds all the answers- and you know it can't be good to believe in them more than yourself-

A realization that there is no future, just a darkness you know you'll drown within-frightened by yourself-

By now there is too much racing through the space of your mind.. and you know that it stops before it starts all over again

But for every time you are screaming "i can't", you should know that you can, you have, you do. You Survive.