Webzine archive

Lisa's story

I was never really fat. I was always considered to be "one of the skinny ones." I suppose, looking back, this added to the pressure. My eating disorder really started when I was about twelve. I was being bullied at school, and I didn't really understand what I was doing. All I knew was that if I was thinner, people would like me more. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch, and I'd only eat small amounts of dinner while being watched by my family. What they didn't know, of course, was that I'd be bringing it back up afterwards. They thought I was losing weight because of the added stress from school. I carried on like this for two years. My weight dropped dramatically and my periods stopped.

When I was fourteen, I met a boy on a "pro-anorexia" message board. It was like a support network, for people to get together and share our experiences. It sounds sick and twisted now, but back then I was completely dependent on this secret network of sufferers. They say anorexia is a lonely disease, but when you've got someone to share every moment of it with, it stops being so lonely. I met this boy in August. Everything was completely perfect for a few months. I was there for him, and he was there for me. We motivated each other, kept track of each other's weight and progress, and provided a distraction from eating. Inevitably, this progressed into a bit more than friendship, and, if I wasn't still too terrified of my own emotions, I'd say that I was in love with him.

Then in November I got a phone call from his sister. She told me that he had overdosed on anti-depressants just hours before, and was in the hospital, desperately ill. The following day, in a Maths lesson, I received a text message telling me that the one thing I had been holding onto, relying on for what felt like years, had left me all alone in the world; because his mother had threatened to send him to an eating disorders hospital.

Funny thing was, I wasn't that "sad" about it. I was filled with such intense loneliness, that I didn't know what to feel. All I got was an intense sense of determination. His life had been cut short, and he had never gotten to reach his goal weight. So I took it upon myself to do just that. I was carrying on his eating disorder for him, in order to honour his memory.
About six months later, when, at my fifteenth birthday party, I collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital with heart failure. This was a real wake up call to me; I finally realised what I was doing to myself.

Since getting out of hospital, I have started to get help, and begun to regain the weight I lost.
The message of my story is, basically, that suicide is never the answer. Someone once told me "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem", which I believe is true. Nothing is ever bad enough to end your life over, and there is always someone to talk to. So please, if you've got an eating disorder and are having suicidal thoughts, talk to someone.

Recovery item

This is a powerful piece of writing from Lauren who has found the strength to tell her eating disorder that she is going to fight. Lauren says "I would like to help all the other people that are trying to battle with an eating disorder and don't feel like they are winning. I want them to know that you can!"

To Golem (the evil voice that lives in my head),

For a little while you looked cute and fluffy. A cuddly, happy being that helped me to cope with difficulties in my life. You made me promises that you kept. You told me that you could make me thinner and that that would make me happier. For a little while that was true and I enjoyed your company.

But that didn’t last long. Soon, nothing I did was good enough for you. My achievements no longer satisfied you. I couldn’t face the thought of losing you and I still trusted you, so I worked a little harder to please you. I was looking at you through rose tinted glasses and was willing to sacrifice everything for you, even my own happiness, because I believed that you would make me happy again, like you had before.

Still that wasn’t enough for you. I started to see a different side to you. You didn’t look so cuddly and attractive anymore. I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends with you. I wanted you to leave me alone. I tried to tell you politely to go away and when that didn’t work I tried to run away and hide from you. But the harder I tried to move away the closer you lingered to me. You said you just wanted to watch over me, but now I know you just wanted to continue you’re bullying and trickery. I wasn’t always strong enough to fight your persistence so sometimes I let you boss me around and I obeyed your commands.

But finally I have seen you for what you really are. An ugly, deceitful, evil liar. I even call you Golem. This letter is simply to tell you that I hate you with every inch of myself and I am going to ignore you until you p*** off and die (hopefully a very painful death). I hope it makes you sad to think that not a single person in the world is going to miss you or mourn your death. I know that my family and my real friends are going to celebrate it! It has taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to say this to you because part of me didn’t want to upset you and lose you. But now I see that you were never my friend and from the moment we met your plan has been to kill me. You are nothing more than a murderer.

I know that you are going to try and convince me that I don’t really mean these words and I think you genuinely believe that you can get me back on your side again. I want you to know that I will never listen to you again. The pain you have caused me is unforgivable. My only wish would be that you were solid so that I could kill you myself. Rot in hell.

Lauren

High Profile Donations!

We have recieved two celebrity donations! Kate Winslet sued a magazine  and Keira Knightly  sued a newspaper for irresponsibly reporting on their state of health. Both of the actresses donated their compensation to us and Keira matched the figure she was awarded.

Not only is it brilliant that we have had some amazing donations and we are recognised and valued by people. It is the fact that the media is being told to pull it's socks up when reporting about celebrities lives, it also helps to get our message that the media needs to more responsible about reporting on the subject of eating disorders out there