Just got ED

hey thats good uve been able to tell ur teacher. im ally and ive had anorexia for about two years. i also got it when i was 12 so i sort of know what u mean. i hate it when ppl think an ed is a game and u can control like some stupid diet. instead of realisin its an illness. i felt the same when i first got ill and just kept thinkin why has this happened.

try not to worry about ur friends and stuff there probs just worried about u and dont understand. noone will laugh at u or force u to do anythin u dont want but its soooo soooo important that u tell someone. the sooner u can get rid of ur ed the quicker u can b happier. i know it feels like its draggin u in but u have to fight it so hard and its way easier if u dont let it get control.

if u tell sumone u trust theyll b able to help u. if i could give u advice it would be to tell someone and really ty to beat the ed before it gets too hard. stay strong and im here if u ever need a chat xx ally

Thx, I will try to tell someone, and its nice to know that someone knows what i mean. I hope I will be able to before i lose control. Your post really helped and i would definately like to chat sometime. Thx againxx Elissa

hi hope ur christmas went okay. it can b really hard this time of year. also hope ur managin stuff well. have u been able to tell any1 yet about ur probs. hope things improve for you. xx ally

Hi Elissa,

Just to let you know Ive left you a post in caring for someone.

Natalie

Hi I totally know what your talking about. Im 13. Everyone thinks you can just stop it and eat again if you wanted to. They dont know how hard it is. Or they think im attention seeking. Its so depressign, which makes me feel even worse.

If you want to chat sometime just leave a message.

Jozzi xxx

Hey Ally

No i didn't tell any1 yet and i don't think i will 4 a while, i kno i shud but i just can't find a way, i want to tell my teacher but i can't and i want to tell my friends but it would be just too awkward and i am afraid they might laugh at me or use it as gossip or think i am attention seeking but i am still trying to find a way.

Christmas went ok but my dad told all my relatives that i wasn't eating enough which was way annoying.

xxelissaxx 

Hey Jozzi

I can totally relate to ur post I get the same thing. I just wanted to tell u that I would love to chat and also if anyone thinks ur attention seeking then they're not worth confiding in and also may be total jerks, its like my best friend, she is such a brainbox that she knew about all the odds and stuff and was just like

'Yeah right i am sorry but u r way too smart to hav an eating disorder and it isn't funny to pretend to hav one' and my other friend went around pretending to hav an eating disorder for attention and i know she was pretending because she told her best friend and her best friend told me and then everyone confronted her and she admitted it and she said that i was doing the same (but virtully nobody believed her).

Don't worry about it and don't let it bother u, i guess they r kinda shocked or in denial or something.

xxElissaxx

Hey!

I would love 2 chat 2. No one seems to understand apart from on here. They say that to me too. I guess it must be hard though, being friends with someone who has an ED. I mean, watching us get thinner (shame im not...) and see us have 2 be put in hospital but knowing that there is nothing they can do must be hard. If you think that way, it helps us realise that they are just worried about us!

Jozzi xxx

Hey (again)!

Loved the poem, it was really, like, expressive and i know what u mean! But one of my best friends ratted me in at school ( i am so scared my teacher is going to come on her and read this but whatevr) and i know its coz they're worried but i am fed up with people trying to be my friend just so they can be updated on what's happening and then going and gossiping and its probably the same 4 u but it does help to know that some of them genuinely care.

Elissa

Ps I have nvr met or seen u but from some of the stuff u have written it seems pretty apparent that u r getting thinner so don't don't beat urself up about it, I know it is hard to realise that u r thin but u can see when other ppl r skinny, but don't be so hard on urself.

Hey Elissa.

It's really weird how I think that I am fat. I compare myself to everyone and think I m much fatter than them, nothing looks right when I go shopping, and whenever I see my reflection, I look FAT. But then I can also see that I'm thin, I have sticking out hips and ribs, but something still overpowers that and makes me think I'm fat. Do you have this???

Also I made myself really sick last night. I hate how it makes me feel GOOD. If i felt bad after starving and purging and stuff it would be so much easier to beat!

Jozzi.

Hey Jozzi

I get that as well I don't know what it is that over powers me, its wierd.

I have never actually been sick, I just don't eat at all, well I have been sick once or twice (when all my friends like basically force fed me at lunch). But it is so wierd because last night I felt really bad as well, I saw a picture of this model and I was just like (in my head)

'I want to be that thin, although I will probably nvr be as thin as her, I just don't wnt to b fat'

I actually started to think if there was a way to cut off the fat.

Feel like fat freak today (post-christmas misery at having to eat at christmas or face being pounced on by parents).

Hope u r doing ok

Elissa x

Hey Again!

What year are you in at school? Im in year 8.

I'm really into fashion design, but I guess it doesn't help my ED. All the models and celebs make being thin look so easy, but its not!

Back at school tommorow. :( Not looking forward to it!

Post back...

Jozzi xxx

Hey!

I am in year 8 as well.

I love doing fashion design but when i look at the catwalks the models are so thin that I get really depressed, i know what u mean exactly.

I go backk on thursday and i am dreading it, also did not do any science holiday work as i left my book at school, my teacher is going to flip at me (metaphorically, obviously). 

post back

elissax

Hey Ellie and Jossy, I'm 18, and I was just reading through what you girls had written.

Hearing people so young, with things like this in their heads, it makes me so upset. I don't know you, but I'd love to take it all away from you - wave a magic wand and make it all better for you both.

Have you spoken to anyone at all Jozzy? Ellie, you said that your teacher was the one who showed you this board. Is it possible that you could maybe speak to her about this? I had two really, really lovely teachers that I was able to talk to, one has now moved away - but I still keep in touch. The other, I tend to see every day or more often and am always having a good moan or a laugh. However, I know that whenever I need her, she will be there. Sometimes it helps you too feel that there is always someone who you can go to when you don't really feel that there is anyone else who understands?

Is it a possibility you might be able to talk to your mum maybe? Or dad, or even an older sister or brother? I don't know whether these are possibilities, and don't get panicky, I am only suggesting. If it is too much, don't worry. However, I feel that, what you are having to deal with is soooo much, and you can't do it all on your own, you deserve to have someone to catch you on your down days, and to tell you how you can do this!

You both sound very intelligent from reading your posts, and you both sound like lovely girls. You don't deserve to be doing this on your own.

Someone said to me 'It is your battle, but it doesn't mean that you can't have help from time to time.' It's true. You don't have to go it alone!

Take care both of you. xxxxxxxxx

hey becki,

thx for ur post, it was really sweet and it made me feel wanted in the world. i know i should tell my teacher but i am crippled with fear that she'll tell my parents who get cross at me when she e-mails them saying i'm not eating, i can't risk letting them find out, i don't want to go this alone but there is nobody i can tell who can help who won't tell them so i have no other choice, its a good idea to tel a sibling but my brother isn't the kind u would tell he would just be unbearable (teasing me).

i don't understand why i got this ed, why is it happening to me? I didn't do anything wrong, i just don't know what to do, there is nothing i can do.

Thank u so muuch for ur post, it was really sweet

Post again (if u want)

Elissa (ellie) xxxxxxxxx

Sweetheart.... of course you didn't do anything wrong!! Just because you are going through a rough patch, it doesn't mean you did anything to deserve it. It is probably far from it, you are probably one of the people who least deserve it!

YOU ARE WANTED IN THE WORLD!!!!!! I can tell you that for definate, no matter WHO or WHAT, you are always wanted in this world. Always, and that is a promise.

The whole telling the teacher issue. Due to your age, a teacher is not able to keep something to themselves if it is something like this? The confidentiality act does come into play though. Have you tried talking to your teacher about emailing your mum and dad?

I don't want to sound patronising at all, but you are so young, you have sooo much to live for hunni, you soooo do! It really breaks my heart to think of you suffering alone, honestly. I wish I could take it away from you, I really do. Just wave a magic wand and set you free. I can't do that. However..... YOU CAN BE SET FREE!

YOU WILL BE FREE!

Do you have a school nurse, or school counsuellor? Is it possible to talk to someone like this? Or maybe even phoning the Beat helpline? Do you have an older friend, who could help you maybe?

Lots of love, and sit tight, you can do this. xxxxxx

thx 4 ur post, becki, it was so sweet, i am just feeling very low  at the moment, I feel like i am being sucked in, I want someone to see me and make me stop but I don't want to stop, I know that sounds stupid but its the best way to explain how i feel.

I had an idea at school today, I am kind of apprenhensive about asking my teacher whether she has to e-mail my parents all the time because it might imply to her that i have more to tell (which i will only tell her if she  says she doesn't have to tell my parents) but i thought i might get a friend to ask her for me or something like that, do u think that is a good idea or should i just ask her myself?

I know i have a lot to live for but i haven't had any proper fun for ages, i have been shadowed by worries  about exams ( I have my scholarship exam at the start of next term) so sometimes i kind of loose  sight of the world past exams and losing weight.

I think i might contact the beat helpline, I have been kind of scared to do so in the past but i think i might sometime soon.

Lots of love ellie (elissa) xxx

I want someone to see all of us, and made us stop.

I wish there was a magical cure, what any of us would do for it hey?

You would give anything in the world for it to go right, but at the same time, you are scared at the thought of letting it go - because of what that means. Try writing to negatives and positives down - I think you will find a lot more positives to being better, than having to suffer every day.

It is soooo hard when you have exams at the best of the times..... however, when you are spending every minute of every day battling with your own mind, it seems impossible.  BUT.... you keep fighting, the fact that you said you DO want someone to make it better - ok, so you are scared of it - but the fact that you have that fight in you, means that you can do this. I totally believe you can, and oh my goodness it is going to be hard, and sometimes you will want to give in and think stuff it. But, do you know what, you keep fighting and things can get better. They really can.

The thought of you not feeling like you can have fun, is very sad. I know how you feel. The stuff in your mind overwhelmes you, and you don't see that there is so much more to life, and it is soooo sad, because there is sooooo much more to life! It is clear to tell from your posts, that you have so much going for you!!

Overall, you soooo do not need to be doing all of this on your own, you really, really don't! Look at your friends, look at the 'simple' things they worry about, whether their hair looks ok, whether their trousers match their top - they ask opinions, they get help. YOU are going through a REALLY tough time, and you need a little back up and support, and that is SOOOO ALLOWED!!!! Really, it is.

I don't know what to say regarding your teacher, simply because really, that is a decision that you need to make. Hard, I know, but it depends on what you feel more comfortable with. She sounds like she cares alot, otherwise she wouldn't even be emailing your parents, so that shows she cares. Did she begin emailing them because she noticed you were eating less? I REALLY hope that you are able to talk to someone about this.

Maybe, just maybe.... you could contmplate talking to your parents? They might just surprise you?

Lots of love. Keep your chin up chicken. xxxxxxxx

Hey becki,

Yeah, I wish there was a magical cure aswell but i know there isn't and i will have to fight it.

Had a very bad day today; I didn't eat and almost fainted doing netball, then in tears in the car on the way home just because of the whole thing, my emotions are just so mixed up, I have dinner in about an hour and I know my parents r going 2 force food on me but i think i will end up dodging the food anyway, i know i shouldn't but u know how it is although I have promised myself I WILL eat something.

And i have resolved that I am going to speak to someone, even my teacher or parents, if i t comes to that by the end of february for sure, hopefully by the end of January if i am brave enough, I promise you, becki, I WILL tell someone.

I will contemplate telling my parents.

Thank u so much

ellie xx

Hey No I havent spoken to any one bout this.....I dont know how to!

Sorry I havent been on in a few days but with skl n everything ive been busy.

Thanks for replying.

Jozzi xxx

Ellie sweetheart,

I cannot tell you how much I am proud of you for deciding to tell someone. You are battling this all on your, own, and you shouldn't be. It is clear to all that you are a lovely kind girl, and you DESERVE the help. Any help. You are brave to be able to come on here and be open, and you are very brave to be able to think about telling someone.

I'm not going to say that it is easy, as I would be lying, but sometimes, having someone who you can talk to - anytime - can help in so many ways. I'm forever going to my teacher and asking if she has got a few minutes, and I tend to end up in a heap of sobbing. However, knowing that whenever I need her, she will be there, helps me a hec of a lot.

It's lonely at the best of times, but when you are dealing with it all on your own - it's even harder. By telling someone it isn't going to make it 100% better, but it will start you on getting better.

As for not eating alot. Your body is like a car - the food is like petrol. If you jump in the car with your mum, and there is no petrol.... the car won't go. If you get out of bed in the morning and go through days without any food, you won't go. The fact that you felt faint in netball, shows you that you hadn't eaten properly. I know it is easier said than done, but honey, you have to eat. You might not be able to manage three big meals a day, what about 3 small meals and a couple of snacks? Do you eat breakfast in the morning.

Is it to do with body image, or is it to do with control?

Love as always.

Jozzyx - The above is for you too - about the lonliness. Is there a teacher you could speak to? Or maybe you could talk to your mum or dad, or sister/brother? It will be hard, getting the words out, but you can't fight this all alone, and yeah sure you have us, but sometimes you need a hug, or you need to look into someone's eyes and them to know that you are hurtng and hug you without you having to speak. You need that support, and you deserve it as much as anyone else sweetie. If you aren't able to actually start the conversation, what about writing a few things down, or drawing a few pictures with words around them, just explaining how you feel. If this is hard, try writing 'she feels....' etc. And put SHE instead of I. I did this, as there was something that I haven't been able to talk about, I kept it all to myself, I felt so alone, but writing it down, meant that I was able to communicate with someone.

LOTS of love to both of you.

Keep fighting.

xxxxxx

Becki,

Thanks 4 being encouraging about my decision to tell someone, what u said made me absolutely certain I will tell someone, its gonna b hard but i definately will.

 I find it soooo hard to actually bring myself to eat, twice this term (which started last thursday) I have got some food on my plate and promised myself to eat it but then when it came to it, i just couldn't, I must sound so weak, althoigh today i did hav a couple of bits at school.

I think it is body image mainly because i see all the other girls at school are so thin nd even though when i look in the mirror i can see the bones coming through I still can see at the same time that i am fat and need to loose the weight. But at the same time it sort of makes me feel more in control of what is happening, as i have said, i have tons of exams and when i am revising I feel more in control if i don't have to bother going to eat lunch or dinner.

Today this girl at school said she was fatter then me and then another girl said

'ur not fat and Elissa's not scary thin, we're all just slim'

And i just wanted to scream at her, even though i know she was trying to help but it makes it worse because it just reminds me of my weight.

Lots of love ellie xxxx 

It will be hard, there is no point in lying and saying - ooooo yeah, it'l be well easy! Due to the fact that that really isn't going to help you in any way at all! It will be hard, but I truly believe that you can do it. Have you decided who you are going to speak to yet? Or are you still working it through in your head.

Bless you, I understand what you are saying. At the same time, I know, that it is SOOOOO important for you to be eating - even smaller meals, more often. Sometimes it is better than having bigger meals. It can be easier. However, it is really important that you try to eat when you can, as I'm sure that you know deep inside, your body needs food.

The control - I am a huge control needer. So, I can completely understand where you are coming from, HOWEVER, to revise to your full potential, you need the food and fluid going through you. (Rubbish, I know, but it's true.)

Your friends, are just normal girlies chatting about things that girls chat about! However, it can be hard for people who are having problems. The fact that your bones are coming through, means that you are likely to be slim - underweight. That, is in no way fat at all. That is the Eating Disorder saying you need to lose weight, and that is what you need to fight against. YOU are clearly NOT, and you need to tell that ED that it isn't the truth and it won't control you anymore - it will take time.

I hope things are ok.

Lots of love. xxxx

Becki,

I am still running things through my head, I have really no idea, but i am racking my brains to try and work out who I might tell and i have a few ideas (mostly teachers but perhaps a cousin).

I know about the whole revising to my full potential thing but I have like this wierd sense of priorities when it comes to food, its like, I would rather miss one meal then get a good mark in my exam and then when i don't get a good mark I beat myself up about it.

The one thing i am now really struggling with is how to tell my best friends, they r both super smart and going for scholarships to their secondary schools. They have both been supporting me all the time saying that my teacher doesn't know what she's talking about and that I obviously don't have an eating disorder, I would feel so wierd about turning around to them now and telling them that it is all true, when they've been so supportive, and i am worried about them thinking I'm messed up or saying 'ur not fat' every second of everyday. I can't work out how to tell them, but i know i should.

Its the ED talking, its true, I know but somehow, I always end up listening, and i don't know why, I know I'm too thin, but at the same time, I know i am too fat, it sounds insane, even to me.

I hope things r good with u

Lots of love ellie xxx

Hey Ellie,

I know what you mean about the priorities, but really, it really is important to eat, above all else, your health IS THE MOST important. That is above everything else.

The whole beating yourself up thing, I am the same, however, it isn't the way to go. (Hard or what!)

I'm not quite sure what to suggest regarding your friends, I strongly advise that you tell someone older - as you already know. When it comes to friends it is slightly different, however, they sound like a supportive bunch and if you feel you can talk to them, then good for you!! The fact that they have been supporting you the way that they, won't mean that they won't support you now. The fact that you are worrying about them thinking you are messed up and saying your not fat all the time, is something you would need to explain to them, and also state that that would not be helpful for you. Maybe, if you spoke to a teacher, would it possible to have her there while you spoke to your friends, in a sort of meeting/appointment type thing? If you feel you can tell your friends though, and the fact that you are thinking about it, says that you can trust them, I think is great. It means that you have a great bunch of friends, and that is very important.

It does sound insane, but it also sounds understandable for someone who is suffering from an eating disorder!! So, don't worry about sounding insane. You should hear some of things that I come out with!!!!! :o

Take care of yourself. Have you managed to talk to anyone yet, or are you still working through things??

Love me. xxxxxxx

Becki,

My health is important, I know but i cannot seem to prioritise it over my weight, every time I promise myself i'll eat my meal and I usually end up throwing it away. I eat a small amount in the evenings now, because my parents watch me, but I get up early in the mornings and tell them I've had breakfast and skive lunch @ school, which is what my teacher picked up on.

As for my friends, well i have got one less to worry about now (she is really cross with me and two other firends because we said V. Beckham was not ugly!) (but i have gained two others)  and I think, there is a couple who i could just tell face to face, but for the others I'll get someone else to tell them, and to explain to them that I would find things like saying 'ur not fat' particularly unhelpful, and I think they'll understand because they r all gr8, it was just the actual telling them bit that was really worrying me, in truth.

I think i might tell the school nurse, i know my teacher and parents are planing to send me to her (I intercepted a couple e-mails), I will tell her some of the truth, enough for her to know I need help but maybe not the whole thing, not just yet.

Love elliexxx

Right sweetie, first off - the more honest you can be, the more helpful it will be to you. It will take alot to be honest, but it is the best option in the long run. The hard things usually are unfortunately!!

With regards to Posh - she is very slim, and sometimes looks very unhealthy, I'm not saying she suffering from an Eating Disorder, but becareful when looking at 'role models' as, yes, they can be people you look up to - aspire to be like - but sometimes, the way they look isn't the thing that you should be aspiring to be like. If you understand me?

Have you managed to chat to anyone yet?

The interception of the emails..... try not to worry about what they are looking at doing, it is simply because they CARE and want to do what is best for you.

Take care. xxxxxx

Becki,

Its hard for me to be honest because, as I've said, my parents just na me 2 eat, and I don't really find this helpful even though in general you'd think that would help, and I can't be honest with my teacher because she'll tell them, although I might ask someone else sometime soon to ask her if she has to tell them.

I have talked to a girl in my year, but in terms of adults, no. I am now thinking that I will tell the school nurse, because I honestly cannot find ANYONE else to telll.

I intercept them out of curiousity (and to stay one step ahead) really, but i read one the other day that was from my teacher saying that maybe it was because I was stressed at school, which I am not (except at lunch time), so i think they're getting the wrong end of the stick, so I'm trying to eat less at home now so that they'll realise its not just school.

lots of love elliexxxx

Hey chicken,

Really sorry I took so long to reply. I have been really, really down so haven't been in the right frame of mind to post anything vaguely useful on here.

Your parents will nag you to eat because they care, that's all though. They see their little girl suffering and they just want to do anything they can to help you. The nagging can sometimes be of help, but the majority of the time it isn't!!

Am pleased you have managed to talk to someone your age, that's a great step in the right direction.

I think that intercepting the emails is really not the best thing to be doing..... Maybe you could stop doing that. It isn't going to be helpful for you in the long run.

Have you managed to speak to someone older yet?

Rethink talking to you mum sweetheart, you can't do this all alone and you need some help and support which at the moment, you clearly aren't getting.

Keep your chin up.

xxxxxxxxx

Hey bex,

Don't worry about taking a while to reply, I'm just glad u did. I am sorry u were feeling down, is it about anorexia or something else?

Anyway, I am glad u think I took a step in the right direction becoz i think i just took 2 steps backwards. I don't know why but i got onto all these pro-ana sites and I just got back all the old thinspiration and everything and then making my blog ) I found the most amazing picture on the Catwalk, and although she died from her anorexia I saw that picture and I just thought 'this is what i want to be' and now i can't get that image out of my head.

 I will stop intercepting the e-mails. But the thing is my teacher kept nagging my parents about taking me to the doctors so eventually my dad (who is convinced i'm just being 'fussy' about my food) e-mailed her saying (lying) that he had been and the doctor said i was fine so now my teacher is stll keeping a 'discreet eye' on me but is 'anxious not to increase any anxiety about food' so i think she actually thinks i am fine and is gonna stop watching me, which in a way I want, but in a way I don't because if she gives up on me, everyone has. I feel so isolated, i just want to give in, I can't see how i can go on fighting.

Feeling down.

Love elliexxx

Hey again Bex,

There were just a couple things i forgot to say yesterday.

Exams are coming up and I already have sick feeling in my stomach. I feel more out off control and scared then ever. Even now I am revising 'common chemical reactions' and I just feel so worried and scared and out of control. I know I am going to stop eating and i don't know what to do, I just feel so panicked. I feel worse then ever.

sorry to be so gloomy

Love elliexxx

Don't be sorry to be feeling down - everyone feels down now and again - hey I should know!! (It was the Anorexia amongst other things!!)

Ok, firstly, Try your hardest to get away from the Pro Ana Sites - I KNOW THIS IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE.... but seriously sweetheart, they are *NOT* good, and they do *NOT* help. The thing is, with Anorexia, you will never be thin enough for what you want. You will get to what weight you want, but you won't be happy, so you will lose more, and then again you won't be happy and lose more - it will continue. I know a saying - 'You will die before you are thin enough' and that is so true, because with Anorexia, you will never, ever be thin enough. How you *really* look and how Anorexia tells you you look - are not the same. You lose your sense of perception and ability to see what you really are, that is part of the disorder. By going onto these sites, they only feed the Anorexia, and give it more to work on. Everyone has an idea of 'perfection' their 'ideal' it's just when you are suffering with Anorexia, your 'ideal' and 'perfection' are never not something you will ever, ever achieve - because they are not 'real'. If you can, delete any pictures of *unhealthy* people that you have, get rid of them, they are not going to help you, and they are not going to be of any use except pull you down further - and that isn't something that you want.... right? As for the Pro Ana sites, try, and try, and try, to avoid them. Do not go near them. Do not go on them. 'Do not pass go, do not collect 100 pounds'!! Just try to stay away.

As for the emails, sometimes parents don't realise things are going on, and they think that the kids are going through phases and that it will pass on it's own. Other times, parents can see there is a problem and they try as hard as they can to ignore it, because it is to painful to accept the truth. I don't know which one your parents fit into, and I wouldn't like to try and categorise them either, as it isn't my place to.

I really, really think that you need to speak to someone sweetie, as it is clear that things are NOT getting better, and you shouldn't be doing this alone, you need to have support and someone you can run to when you need to talk. I'm always here, and will always be willing to help, but it's not the same as having someone 'real' to talk to. Have you thought anymore about talking to your teacher? She sounds like she cares about you alot? She wouldn't bother if she didn't. Maybe she is someone you can confide in? Is your concern that she will speak to you parents?

What about your parents, are you able to talk to them maybe?

Exams.... I am awful when it comes to exams, and the panic - I totally know where you are coming from!! The fact that you say you have feeling more out of control, scared and worse than ever, just shows how much you *need* someone to be there supporting you, and holding your hand through the tough times!! You need that extra support, that safety net. You are very brave for doing it alone this far, but sometimes doing it alone *isn't* the best thing to do, and it's horrible feeling the way you do. Sometimes it takes that piece of courage to be able to talk to someone. I am not, in the slightest, saying ohhh tell someone, yeah, it'l be instantly better, it'l be great, because that would be a lie! You will tell someone, and you will still feel this way, BUT, the difference is, you won't have to do it alone.

Try your hardest to eat when and what you can, even if it is just to *get through your exams* remember, if you don't eat your brain isn't going to function properly, and it is clear that you are a very bright girl, and you are obviously very capable of anything you set your mind too! Therefore, you have to eat and drink to make your brain work!!

Try not to worry and panic to much, there is no point in me saying, don't panic, don't worry, because you will.... so, I will say don't worry and panic tooooo much. Try your hardest just to stay as calm as you can - easier said than done again - but it's the best way. Just try. All you can do is try your best hunni, no one can ever ask anymore of you.

How are you feeling now?

Chin up chicken.

Love Becki. xxxxxx

hey...
What i think you should do is definatly tell someone!! other people can defo help, if u tihnk youll find it hard tp tell someone write it down give it to them, thats what i did and the perosn i told has been very supportive!
give a wirte back how it goes!
:] Lou x

Hi Lou and Becki,

I have stayed off all the pro-ana websites for a while now, but still i find find myself using all their tips and stuffs a lot of the time without even thinking almost. I know they're bad for me and I don't think I'll restart going on them, don't worry.

Exams start on monday and I am stil feeling terrified..still almost in denial they are happening, i feel as if the whole world is spinning around me but too fast for me to hold on. I'm inder so much pressure at school; when anyone beats me in an exam they come up to me and start gloating, they don't seem to do it to many other people, I don't understand why they do it to me coz if I start crying (to make them go away) they all start grovelling and saying sorry, but they knew it would upset me anyway so why did they do it in the first place?

I actually realised that all along I have been hoping that my teacher will work it out so that she can help and I suddenly realised today that if someone else told her I think it would be ok about it. Recently I've been writing down exactly what's happenign, just to let it out, and I think I might actually give it to someone responsible (one of my friends) who might be brave enough to do something about it, so maybe by this time tommorow I will have told someone!

I will try not too worry too much but I think I will end up doing a lot of worrying because that's the type of person I am, I always worry way tooo much. I still can't bring myself to eating unless I am forced though.

Post back

Elliexxx

Ooooo....  I totally 100% percent know what you mean about worrying about everything and anything - I am exactly the same. Nightmare!!

Ok, as for the exams, do the best that you can do - you have a lot of stuff going on in your hand that they don't. So you have alot else to deal with aswell as the exams and all of the other bits that are going on. Sitting them in itself is going to be an achievement!!

As hard as it is - Keeping your fluids and food intake up - as much as you can becasue this will help your concentration.

As for wanting someone to find out but being scared of telling them. I'm the same. I want people to do something, to make it better, to make me safe and to make me feel like I can smile again - but then I'm scared, soooo scared because at the same time, I don't want anyone to know, I don't want them to do anything.

However, you have to look at the positives and negatives. At the moment, you aren't happy, things aren't good. Could things get worse, well.... I think things can always get slightly worse - however - can things get better - Y.E.S! They can. They can make a HUGE difference and you can get - and deserve to get the help you need!!!!!

Having someone can talk to about things and the way you feel can make a huge, huge difference. It isn't going to make everything perfect immediately after you have told someone, but you can have someone to speak to, to tell how you feel, to just talk to and have someone who can hold your hand when you are scared, hug you when you are down and laugh with you when you are happy. Someone who is always there and understands. It can make a difference. It's not nice having to deal with anythng like this, but dealing with things alone is even worse.

How are things going now?

Take care of yourself.

hey becki,

I am half way through exams now and i feel as if they have been going on for ever. I have been trying hard to keeep eating and i have been having proper lunches and breakfasts.

I have regiven up hope of being able 2 tell someone for the moment but I will have sometime soon. I told my really really clvr friend today, by e-mail, and it was really really easy coz i am not gonna see him (the only contact i've had with him is e-mail 4 2 yrs) so that somehow made it easier. I think that whn exams r over I might e-mail the beat helpline, but i feel kind of guilty doing so coz surely some really thin girl on the verge of death would need the support more than me and if i send the e-mail she could not get the support.

I am still looking 4 some1  2 tell but it is hard, but i think i may have found someone, she used 2 b my best friend (she was the one i got in a fight with about whether V. Beckham is pretty or not) and she went to speak to my teacher right at the start of all this.

I know i will stop eating and start doing extra excersise next week 2 make up 4 this week, and i will probably start self-harming when i get back my results. Plus i am dreading ppl finding out that i qualified 4 this maths olympiad thing, I am SO embaressed.

ttyl

elliex

i will probably start self-harming.

When you say 'start' does that mean that currently you do NOT self harm. If you don't self harm, please, please do not start. It is an awful thing to get into, just a small mark - will, in time - lead to much much worse and it isn't something that should be 'taken up' because it's not a good way of coping. It isn't something you should be 'thinking' of 'chosing' to do. There are other ways to deal with things. You do NOT need to 'start' self harming because it is horrible, and is very, very, very, very hard to get out of. You have enough to deal with with your Anorexia, you don't need something else to be trying to stop too.

Try your best with your exams, that is all that you can do.

As for telling someone, you really need to, if you can, because you need the support of someone. As for emailing the beat helpline, I feel like that too, but if you don't get the help you need..... you may become that girl. So go for the help, grab it with both hands.

Try to keep eating if you can, small and regular. You have started and that is a great step, look at is as a positive, don't give up next week.

You should be proud for qualifying! Why are you embarrassed?

Take care of yourself. x

I self harm already but my friends made me give it up for lent, and so far I have not self-harmed since the start of lent. I have always self harmed eveen when i wasn't anorexic, I can remember being in yr 4 and self harming coz i didn't understand something in maths. But i am so scared about getting these results back because they are really important, they're mock scholarship exams but because being scholarship exams they're naturally hard we're only expected to get around 60% but I still feel depressed getting that because surely to actually get the scholarship u need 2 get much higher than that. Exams have finished and I've got some results back; Maths,French, and Science and so far so good, except maths but those are my better subjects and i know that all my other results will actually be shocking which is why i start self harming, I always do in result week, almost subconsciously.

I have to go to the doctors in the easter hols because I had my period once and I have nvr had it again and they think i might not b growing properly because i'm too thin, I am so scared they're gonna tell my parents i need 2 put on weight because I will have to and i am so scared of that, I actually want to cry at the thought 

 I know i need 2 tell someone, and i want to but everyone presents me with a dead end; i can't tell my teacher, my parents, my friends, the doctor because it all adds up to my parents knwoing and I cannot let them know, maybe i should just w8 till i'm at boarding school in september when its the school's responsibility what i eat.

As 4 the e-mail help thing I  think i will try it, maybe they wil hav some ideas.

And the qualifying thing, I am proud of myself but I know other people will call me a boff and b even meaner than they r now. The whole year at skl even the ppl who don't gossip know about it and I know it was because I told one of the 'popular' people ( at my school these ppl r known as the 'posse')  and I have seen her sell secrets of her best friend 4 tuck so i am pretty sure she would have told evry1 my secret. And my own friends r being really mean @ the moment, I don't know hat triggered it but suddenly they're leaving me out of everything.

Lots of love elliexxx

Well done for giving it up for lent. Maybe you could try and continue it. You are doing so well, it would be good to continue with your progress!! Is anyone (apart from friends) know that you self harm?

As for seeing the Doctor - you are scared. I can totally understand that, but this might result in you getting the help that you need. They are not going to make you fat, and they are not going to make you do anything, however, they can suggest and they might refer you to speak to someone - that would probably be a great thing to happen right now. You have said before that you *do* want help. It's scary, I know, but sometimes we have to go slightly outside of our comfort zones. Just try to be as honest as you possibly can, and tell the truth as far as you can.

Why can you not let your parents now hunni?

When do you go to Boarding school? Is it something you are looking forward to?

You don't need to worry about what other people think. You reach for the stars! If you can, go for whatever you can! So what they call you a boff, but who cares!? I know it is hurtful to you know, and it is upsetting - and it is *NOT* easy, I KNOW, but you are an intellegent young girl, and you deserve to reach for all you can!! No matter what or where you go, there is always going to be the odd person who makes a comment, if they are 'bullying' then that is a different matter altogether though. No one should be bullied. Ever. If it is upsetting you, and making your life miserable, then you should tell someone.

Girls can be a nightmare at that age!!  Friends one minute, in a split little gang the next, leaving someone out the next, all friends again the next! It goes on and on. Try not to worry about it too much, how are they being now?

How are things?

xxxxxx

Well, i have a friend who has already sat the olympiad and i'm gonna fail anyway, according to him the questins r really hard, so nvr mind! I think ppl r realising that me and my friends will stand up 2 them if they call me a boff or tease me (i have some really feisty friends) so that has kind of died down.

My friends r friends with me again...I think.

But OMG a boy in our yr has set up a gossip blog about our yr and everyone is on it all the time and there r about 2 comments for all the other articles but someone wrote one about me being anorexic anfd it has currently 70 comments, which virtuallly all agree, which is so annoying, and it hurts, but i can't tell a teacher becausre i'd rather know what they r syaing about me than they said it behind my back.

Anyway exams r over, next set of exams rthe real thing.. 

Lol ellie

I think i will keep going for 2 weeks after lent, you know, taking it one step at a time. Virtually the whole yr knows i self-harm.

I am slightly more calm about the doctor now, I don't know why, i guess i just want her to say that evrything is fine to my mum, I'm kind of hoping she will....

Well, i have a friend who has already sat the olympiad and i'm gonna fail anyway, according to him the questins r really hard, so nvr mind! I think ppl r realising that me and my friends will stand up 2 them if they call me a boff or tease me (i have some really feisty friends) so that has kind of died down.

My friends r friends with me again...I think.

of exams rthe real thing.. 

Lol ellie

Hi, Im Hannah and I am 14. People at my school somehow found out that I had an ED and they all just started talking about me and didn't care about my feelings and in the end I moved schools. Although it's better now because I have a fresh start, I feel as if I gave in, so don't let the people at school win. Also, I know what you mean when you say you don't want to talk people in case they tell your parents or make you eat because I haven't told anyone what is going on in my life. Keep strong and good luck with everything, Han xxx

Hi Hannah,

Its horrible when you think that everbody knows because you know they're looking at u completely differently, you get so many people pretending to be your friends just to get the gossip and it feels like its the anorexia that evrbody cares about, not you and you kind of take the back seat in everything. Don't worry i won't let them win; the website has been closed down which obviously pleased me buit the skl haven't really done antthing to punish the ppl who were writing that stuff about me, so these people ar e probably just saying it behind my back. There is no way i'm gonna change schools, I go to the best school in the country, besides which i only have a term left here anyway and all my friends r here so don't worry about that. Also i kind of want to show all those people at skl that i havve value; that is why i am working so hard on my scholarships (academic and art) and sports ( athkletics mainl) but it makes me feel completely out of control, i mean, i have like nothing in my art portfolio but my academic scholarship is more important but i still have to fit in time to build up a big portfolio for art whilst learnign evrything about evr subject whilst trainign 4 atheltics squad 3 hours a day, and don't get me wrong i love learnign and art and athletics but it just feels like i am drowning in it all, so not eating helps me feel more in control.

Thank goodness somebody else knows what i mean...the other girls on here r very understanding and stuff and i lov them but i don't hink they can understand wh i can't tell my parents..u know.

The hols hav started 4 me and evrday my parents r like 'do want to go to a restaurant?' or 'do u want 2 go to this theme park' or 'wh don't we go camping?' or 'Do u want to go skiing in France tommorow?' and its sweet and all it just i feel kind of guilty.

thankx, talk again soon, good luck

ellie xx

Hey Ellie, It was so lovely to hear from you. I totally know what you mean about your parents wanting to take you to restaurants, I mean I suffer from bulimia but I still dread it because I don't know how to act in front of everyone and I don't like people to see me eat. Also, my old school was just a normal school and my new school is one of the best in the country and there is just sooooo much pressure to do well that it has made my ED worse and I am scared that I could become anorexic because I am trying not to eat just to have some control over my life. It takes me an hour and a half to get to school on the bus, so I don't get much chance to do loads of extra-curricular stuff-which is a shame. However, I swim and love to draw! I am not too bad either, even if I do say so myself! I don't know about you, but sometimes all the pressures just seem way too much and I feel as if I need to find some way of dealing with it. Do you find that because you go to a good school, people think that you can't possibly have that bad a life? I do! It does my head in. Anyway, hope to hear from you soon and take care, Hannah xxx

hey hannah!

It is good to know u understand me, I also h8 being seen eating, its wierd, but I can't stand it. My school has loads of pressure aswell, I came in a regular dumb kid and now in my last year I'm in like all these math quizzes for like 16 year olds, already would pass GCSEs in most subject and  i am almost fluent in latin and ancient greek and now the school's top scholar, that is how much pressure i am under academically! And because i've come top of the yr in exams 4 the past 5 yrs all my teachers put so much pressure on me, like if i only spend the assigned amount of time on a prep instead of doing extra they're all like,' I don't feel you're putting enoigh effort in for our top scholar' and it is soooo annoying because it just perpetuates the bullying because I'm seen as like a mix of Nicole Richie (anorexic and screwed up) and the queen of brains. I so hope u don't get anorexia, its horrible, I mean i almost became bulimic and anorexic, but then i couldn't work out how to make mself sick (so much for queen of brains)  and that was in some of my darkest days as an anorexic. Although my anorexia is mainly caused by body image I am also looking for the control and i know exactly what u mean. I used to be good at swimming but i kind of gave up because I didn't want people staring at how thin/fat i was in my swimming costume, but i still love art, I usually end up crying all through artlessons, I express my emotions through my art, in fact the teacher who told me to come onto this site and who is probabl one of the three ppl on the earth (exceot on here) who knows i am anorexic is an art teacher and she saw me do a very dark and depressing (alhtough fairly good) piece of art about war.

I do find that about ppl thinking I'm a nice girl. It is soo annoying coz they can nvr understand ur problems.

Talk soon elliexxxx

Hey Ellie, I draw to express my emotions, but I do most of my drawing in private at home so that nobody sees. Also, I have just given up swimming club because I didn't want people seeing how fat I was, but still manage to swim as I am majorly lucky and have a pool at home. I am finding it really hard to get close to people now because I just can't open up to them in the way I used to be able to. I guess now that this eating disorder is such a big part of my life, I can't get close to them without telling them and I refuse to do that. Nobody knows now about my ED now and I really don't intend on telling them. It sounds like you are under a hell of a lot of pressure! I do really well at school and so everyone is nasty to me about it, like 'Why are you worried? You are going to do well anyway!' What am I supposed to do? It's like everything I do is wrong. No matter how hard I try I can't please everyone. My brother is the favourite even though he doesn't try at school and causes trouble and I just seem to fade into the background. Even though people think I am a 'nice girl', like you said, it's never more than nice. Anyway, are you doing ok? Speak to you soon, Hannah xxxx

Hey Ellie,

I'm so, so sorry that I haven't posted sooner. I've been really struggling and haven't been able to write a reply that made any sense - and although still feeling very much the same, I didn't want to leave it any longer.

As for that website, some people are so evil, and a little bit of gossip - true or lie - can cause such an uproar. I am pleased that it has been shut. You are at a good school, your friends are there but please do not let that think that you have to put up with complete idiots behaving this way. You don't deserve it, and if it carries on, tell someone. Seriously, you don't deserve it.

As for the Self Harm - hunni, little steps is the way, but you DON'T need to be hurting yourself. It doesn't make things better, it only makes things worse. It is another thing to deal with, another thing to cope with, and although it seems like the only way to deal with things sometimes, it isn't. It was quite a while ago I spoke to you, how have things been since then? Any length of time is an accomplishment and shows that you can do without it. There are so many risks and dangers, it really isn't a good thing - and yes, I am speaking as someone who knows.

How did the Doctors appointment go? Was it any use?

Thank goodness somebody else knows what i mean...the other girls on here r very understanding and stuff and i lov them but i don't hink they can understand wh i can't tell my parents..u know.

Ellie, you wrote that ^^ in one of your posts. I just want you to know that I can 100% understand why you haven't and can't tell your parents. Please don't think that I think that it is an easy thing to do, and you should have done it by now. It's incredibly difficult, it's hard and it is also very scary. I just think that someone needs to be helping you through this, whether that be a medical professional, or a teacher or your parents. I'm sure they care very much about you, and are aware you are hurting in some way. You just don't have to be going through this alone, you deserve support. I can understand why you don't want to tell them though.

Have you managed to speak to anyone at all?

I've gotta go, I'l finish this when I get back (emergency ap), um, yeah. xxxx

Dear Hannah,

Sorry i didn't write for ages but i was just feeling down, I kept starting posts and then not finishing them. I think a tru artist must always once in a while draw and paint and stuff to express her feelings, maybe that's why i like art, except 4 u guys on here i hav nobody else to let it all out with, anyway i'm forced to show every1 all my art coz i'm taking an art scholarship. You are SO lucky that you hav a pool, when i went on holiday it was like a different world away from people who know me and i loved the pool but now all i hav is the skl pool and a lot of the people who posted things about me being anorexic (its stil a rumour at skl although i hav told evry1, even my closest friends that it is untru) r in my swimming class.

I know how u feel, the ED starts to control u and ur real personality takes the back seat. I am under a lot of pressure, i have the most important exams of my life  coming up and i'm really behind on revision and i just feel like i'm going under, you know? And i hate when ppl always hav these high expectations, my friends (even one of whom is going for the same scholarship) keep telling me i will so get it and that will juyst make me feel worse if i don't.]

Nobody can please every1 and i think that is part of anorexia, the desire 2 b able 2 do so. My brother is the same, he is captain of football, he came third in the national running championship, he is known as a rebel, top of his year AND stil one of the most popular (yet cocky) guys in that year, and he is super good at maths (something i am continually failing to grasp) (and know how is it possible to be super-clever and popular, i don't get it) so he has always had like this bond with my parents ( both sports lovers and got firsts from cambridge in maths or science or something) and as you say i just fadde awayy in the background. I feel more connected to this computer than ppl in the 'real' world right now.
i'm sory for taking ages 2 write

lol elliexx

Dear Becky,

I am very sorry 2 hear u r struggling, i hav also been struggling so i haven't been on 4 a while either, don't feel pressured 2 write, its up 2 u.

As 4 the website the school and myy parents already know, and yet nothing has been done, the school read the whole thing (and believed everything that was on there about me) an