hurting my mum

i dont get on with my mum either!

though my mum knows what im going through as when she foudn out what i do, she told me how she does it too, which in a way makes it seem more "normal" and i fel less alone but at the same time when she ever tries to talk to me i get very angry!

take car exxxxxxxxx

hey hunni,

it's not that I don't get on with my mum - I just hate hurting her so much!!

I feel guilty for what I am putting her through, and so to hide it I get angry and frustrated with her instead. = /

I find it easier when people don't try to understand but are just there to listen, but my mum just isn't that type of person.

stay strong sweetie,

am always here if you need me,

lexy -xxx-

Hey lexy,

my name is ellie, I'm 12 so a bit younger than you but I just wanted to tell u a couple things.

Just wanted to tel you that your mum, as you know, probably loves you more than anything else in the world, I don't know her but i'm sure from the way that you speak about her that she does. It may seem like ur hurting her but she knows what you're going through and she knows its not your fault and you can't really help it, but if you made the decision to move out you'd b making that decision, not your eating disorder and that would hurt her more.

Also part of what's hurting your mum is watching you, her little girl, even if you are a teenager, having this horrible disorder, she still sees you as a child, she would worry so much about you if you moved out especially with ur ED, and if she felt that it was her fault it would b even worse, it would hurt her much more than anything you can do now.

Your mum will always help u if you need it and probably a lot of friends will aswell but she knows evrything about you, she's spent ages with you in all your moods and different stages, and your friends may go back far but nobody goes back as far as ur mum. You don't know how much you need that connection, I mean I wish my mum knew about my anorexia, imagine being 12 and severely anorexic with not anyone, not even ur best friends or your mum knowing, I want desperately a connection to someone but my anorexia doesn't let me get close, its probably the same with binge eating kind of, i don't know, but you'll miss the connection. If you move out from your mum'splace then its likely you might get worse, and as i said it would hurt her more.

Keep your chin up,

U sound like a gr8 person

ellie xxxx

hey sweetheart,

thank you so much for your post.

things have moved from bingeing to restricting again. (I became quite underweight before I started binge eating, and am beginning the process of losing weight again )

I'm 17, 18 in June, but have had to give up the idea of going to uni next year due to my ed. is there anyone you feel you could open up to in your own time?? it may help a lot to have someone around you can talk to sweetheart.

what sort of things are you interested in i.e. hobbies etc.??? how long have things been difficult for you sweetheart?? any idea how/when it all started??

let me know how things are going,

I'm always here if you ever want to talk/rant/anything at all really,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Dear Lexy,

You shouldn't let your ED ruin your life, if you want to go to uni u shud, I mean imagine when u'v recovered looking back and wandering why you didn't go to uni.

Its soooo hard for me to open up. I'm going to a new school in september and I think I will tell my friends there from the start, i don't think it will be quie so difficult then, but i find it hard telling my friends or family right now.

I'm an artist at heart, I spend an hour or two each day working on my art or writing down new artistic ideas. My other hobby, this may sound REALLY WIERD, but whatever, is latin, (you are allowed to run away screaming if you want), I love translating latin passages and doing latin work. My sports interests are orienteering, athletics and x-country. I love singing. Thins have only been hard for me since about the start of November, but i've been sucked in rapidly, it started because there was so much pressure on  me to be thin, and i people were always looking at me ans saying how thin i was. 

I'll always behere for u as well, thanks  its nice to have somebody to b there for me.

Take care,

ellie xxx

hey sweetheart,

you're welcome!

sorry to hear that there was/is a lot of pressure on you to be thin sweetheart! *hugs*

I'm going to go to uni in 2009 hopefully, so all is not lost.

I also tend to tell people when I first meet them now as then they know who I am from the beginning.

it doesn't sound weird. I'd love to be able to speak another language fluently, preferably french, italian or latin as I am also a singer and I think that it would be really helpful to be able to speak those languages. also they sound pretty

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Hi Ellie

I am only 12 too and got diagnosed with anorexia 6months ago x

I wish i could go to a new school, everyone at my school thinks im a weirdo,  i have no friends.

Please try to open up to someone. So many people realised i was ill before it even occured to me x since then i have been getting a little better x I have loads more energy although am still banned from sport x

Latin is not a weird hobby! My brother is doing Latin GCSE and my mum is taking an open university course in Latin x

lysm x keep strong x n please reply! i need support sooo badly x

Hey girls,

To Lexy,

I am getting more and more stressed about my upcoming scholarship, which is making eating much harder, you know?

Also way embaressing ages ago a boy in my year set up a gossip blog which had like 300 comments saying i was ana. On friday we had a talk about cyberbullying, so whenevr our head teacher said 'victim' every1 turned to look at me and i was wearing this top which made me look really thin and a few people noticed and by the time we got out i had people coming up to me (not particularly subtly) to see how thin i was (mainly popular people). Which was humiliating.

So happy ur going to uni! Which one do u want to get into?

Languages are kind of my gift, so if you ever want anything translated into latin, french or ancient greek, just ask me! latin is pretty as all the romance languages stemmed from it. Greek isn't so pretty to say but looks cool in writing coz of the whole alternative alphabet thing! French is pretty. Ionly speak a little italian but i think it is a beautiful language. The little german i know is not so pretty!

If you need to talk about anything i'm here!

Talk soon lol ellie xxx!

To dreamer,

Its so terrible that you don't have friends, I'm lucky coz my friends are really fiesty and stick up for me no matter what!

I really can't open up, not for a while.

Thanks but pretty much everyone thinks i'm a freak for liking latin. Good luck to ur mum and brother!

If there's anything u need to talk about i'm here!

Lol ellie xxx

Hey girls,

To Lexy,

I am getting more and more stressed about my upcoming scholarship, which is making eating much harder, you know?

Also way embaressing ages ago a boy in my year set up a gossip blog which had like 300 comments saying i was ana. On friday we had a talk about cyberbullying, so whenevr our head teacher said 'victim' every1 turned to look at me and i was wearing this top which made me look really thin and a few people noticed and by the time we got out i had people coming up to me (not particularly subtly) to see how thin i was (mainly popular people). Which was humiliating.

So happy ur going to uni! Which one do u want to get into?

Languages are kind of my gift, so if you ever want anything translated into latin, french or ancient greek, just ask me! latin is pretty as all the romance languages stemmed from it. Greek isn't so pretty to say but looks cool in writing coz of the whole alternative alphabet thing! French is pretty. Ionly speak a little italian but i think it is a beautiful language. The little german i know is not so pretty!

If you need to talk about anything i'm here!

Talk soon lol ellie xxx!

To dreamer,

Its so terrible that you don't have friends, I'm lucky coz my friends are really fiesty and stick up for me no matter what!

I really can't open up, not for a while.

Thanks but pretty much everyone thinks i'm a freak for liking latin. Good luck to ur mum and brother!

If there's anything u need to talk about i'm here!

Lol ellie xxx

I love Art and did languages too!! I spend ages doing my art, I really find that doing that can calm me down and I can think about other stuff rather than food!

I am nearly 20 now but I had anorexia before when I was 11 and I know what it's like at school, I was banned from sport and everyone stared at me as I was so thin and I had to go out every day to meet my parents for lunch so and I missed school for doctors appointments. But I had friends that stood by me I passed all my exams and my best friends are still by my side today and visited me in hospital, all I want to say is it maybe hard to ignore the people that stare and think your weird, but please believe that you can get better and don't worry if people are jealous of your talents. I did really well at languages at school but in the longterm it looks really good if you do well in languages!! Just try and think about your future and how getting better will make you stronger, xxxxx

Hey emma,

I'm getting a bit stressed about my art right now because I have to prepare my art schoalrship portfolio really quickly which means i have to work on art lilke all day which i don't like because i like to work when the muses move me, you know?

Also I am getting SO stressed about exams, especially ancient greek! do you do greek? What are your tips on learning vocab?

Thanks for all the advice,

I really have to go and revise so i;ll talk soon,

ly all

elliexx

hey sweetheart,

yeh, I know what you mean. my first exam was today and my eating is completely all over the place.

it's good that you have friends that stand by you sweetheart. I thought I did, but my best friend has pretty much turned her back on me.

I don't know what uni I want to go to yet, but have been offered a place at 4 of the 5 that I applied to.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi Ellie,

what is your art scholarship for? You are so young only 12 and I don't know if you should be working so hard if you are so ill! It will really help if you tell someone.

When I was 11 I was looked after out of hospital by my family but you don't want it to get so bad that you can't go to school! I found that studying did give me something to do and I always got good grades but at the end of the day you don't need to stress so much as I found out!!

I know it's hard to be creative under pressure but that could be because you are trying to hard for perfection maybe just try and get done what is essential!

As for languages I used post it notes on things and recited speaking and covered up the vocab and tried to remember it.

Also don't try and cram in too much work, have a change and a break then the next day you will be able to remember more.

And this is why you shouldn't stress and why you should get help...I got good grades at school at GCSE and A Level but I felt i missed out socially because of my anorexia and those social skills you really need at interviews and jobs, things got better though and I got part time jobs when I went to college and had more freedom.

However my anorexia came back the year I was meant to go to uni and I quickly put on weight and was determined to go and I did go, however I fell apart and I got thinner than ever and tried to reapply to a uni closer to home who rejected me probably as I looked so ill, then I went to hospital a few days later.

So all this made me realise that good grades are not important but being happy is, I love art but I wouldn't risk my life again by rushing into going back to uni, please put your health first.

I am going to concentrate on getting better now I hopefully have lots of years ahead of me where I can get a career and I have realised lotd of people have career changes, I love art and at the moment thats what I want to do, but it might just not work out for me but my mum tells me everything happens for a reason!

xxxx

Hey Lexy,

What are your exams for???? Good luck!!!!! I first got anorexia in a set of exams, I was like dieing from stress and not eating just made it easier, I felt ore in control, but before that i'd always had problems with my body image, and my norexia is more about body image.

That is sooo mean!!! How could anyone do that, esp. to some1 with an eating disorder!!!!!!!! But I know my friends will never turn their backs on me.

 4 out of 5, that's REALLY good!!!! I'm happy 4 u!!!!

I'm reallly REALLY trying to eat well for the purpose of my exams, because I don't want to let down the person behind the eating disorder, the person I used to be, but I keep going to revise or do art at lunch time and promising myself i'll go to lunchand then not going.

Talk soon

Ellie xxx

Hey Emma,

I am taking an art and academic scholarship to my secondary school ( I go to a private school so I'll get tons of school fees if i get them). I know its probably not a gr8 idea for my anorexia but I can't back down, I've been working so hard, putting myself thru such terrible stuff since I was 8 just so I could get this chance, I even got my anorexia becausse off exams, I know its a risk, but I've been orking towards it for as long as i can remember, and its something i have to do.

I don't like studying because it brings back the fact that it all comes down to these two weeks, my scholarship is in 2 weeks today, it means more than anything in the world to me.

I think that is possibly it, as is not uncommon among anorexics I am a perfectionist, even in my free form art, everything has to be just right for me, but i am starting to try just to get the essentials done but that is soo i can revise more academics.

Cool! I found this thing on the intenet which tells you what type of learner yyou are, I am very audio learner so i am saying every word * times to remember it. I got 35/36 on the greek test of the words i was learning last night so i think it is working!?

Everyone is terying to make sure i don't cram but i think that they have kind of given up, they know that cramming is what gets me thru, and after my scholarship if i don't get it if i have crammed i can at least say that i did my best, i won't feel gulty that i should have done more.

I can and do still socialise, my anorexia actually kind of makes ppl more interested in me, I'm not particularl special except for that, but people have this fascination with my anorexia, one guy has frostbite in our year but ppl tactfully avoid talking about that but ppl in my year talk about my anorexia whenevr they want, which means they want to talk to me.

That is terrible, i promise i wil never let my anorexia influence my oppurtunities in life.

My health has always been the very last thing i think of, although now i am not so sure, i am trying to prioritise my health.

I alo believe everything happens for a rewason, but that makes everything bad that happens harder to cope with in some ways, I mean for one person to win another has to lose. You know what i mean? Its harder to reassure yourself of your beliefs when you don't want what happens to happen at all.

I have just been revising maths, i am so depressed, I have been working towards this all my life and now my anorexia is ruining everything, i h8 myself, nothing good ever happens to me everhting is spoilt which is why i'm also on the edge of depresion.

Talk soon

lol ellie xxx

dear emma and lexy,

Something i forgot to say, this is gettin me reall depressed, and i'm so scared to broadcast it on the internet but hopefully nobody i know will ever read this. I once had my period, my first one when i was 11, in year 7, I know that usually after your first period your next one might come 2 or 3 months on, but mine has never come back, ever, its been a year and a half now, I am pretty sure it is because of the anorexia, most of the girls in my year haven't got theirs yet, but knowing that i should have  mine and i don't just makes me feel depressed,what if it never comes back?

I know this can happen when you are thin, have you guys evr experienced this (you don't hav to tell meobviously if u feel uncomfortable)?

Feeling down

Ellie xxx

hey sweetheart,

I did suffer from amennorhoea (loss of periods) but only for a few months fortunately.

sorry to hear that you are feeling so down hunni *hugs*

I think things are well and truly over between me and my best friend now =(

the exam was for my drama practical.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Ellie you really need to tell someone as I don't think you realise how much you are damaging your body. I was 10 when I started my periods and I developed before all my friends and this made me feel big but I didn't realise at the time that they would catch up in the end!

Then my periods stopped when I was 11 because of the anorexia, that was in year 7, they didn't come back for about 2 and a half years when I was in year 10 and then most people had started. However they have stopped twice since when I get too thin, this is because your body isn't functioning right.

When I was 11 I didn't understand that much about the medical complications of my anorexia, I knew I was really ill and I was happy I didn't die but now I am older I can understand that you are at risk of so many things and as you are so long you are risking your body from developing right, you really need to realise this.

I don't want to have a got at uni, but I don't want you to have anorexia for such a long time like I have, my parents have always known about it as well and I am sure yours would help you.

If you tell someone I think  you will get a better chance with your work as they should make some allowances for you.

xxxxx

Hey Lexy,

I don't know how long mine will last for, hopefully not forever, if I don't get it back within two years I'll go to a doctor about it.

Thanks *hugs back*. I'm feeling better today, it was a really good day on the whole, so that is good, I was just depressed last night by the fact it was all happening to me, and why do i deserve it? You know the feeling...

 I briefly broke friends with my best friend today but we're friends again since this afternoon!!!

I had some drink at lunch today which is good because usually I don't have anything.

Take care,

Ellie xxx

hey sweetheart,

glad to hear that things are better for you.

unfortunately my friendship with my best friend has gone the other way =(

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

p.s. sorry its such a short post

Dear Emma,

I wll tell somebody when I start my next school but i don't want all the big fuss just et and also it will beeasier with parents as I will be a boarder.

I think most of the teachers suspect it so I do get fairly lose allowances most of the time.

I know the harm it is doing and soon I wil tell somebody, but not whist I'm still @ my current school, sorry but  i can't.

Ate well (for me) todayt which is good. However I don't think I will be able to today.

I really appreciate your support,

Take care,

Ellie xxx

Hey Lexy (btw its a v. pretty name)

Don't worry about short posts, I sometimes do really short posts if I can't think of anything to say.

I did sooooooo much excersise today so, which isn't so good but I don't want to become unfit just to gain weight because it is the start of the athletics season and I am in squad () and I do like long distances so I don't want to be unfit.

Had only a little bit for lunch. Reallly REALLY mean girl in my year was horrible to me today, I mean she's 'popular' and all but she's really mean, first i saw her at lunch and she was like,

'Elissa, I know you're just attention seeking.'

Then in athletics squad after school she kept like saying I run wierdly and I wasn't doing the excersises properly and when I tried to compliment her she just laughed about it with her friend. I don't know what I've done to her but i've tried going to the school before and they don't do anything about it whatsoevr, I don't know what to do.

Also in atheltics I was asked if I was there to try and lose weight, and then all the 'popular' people lauhed and nobody stuck up for me becoz although my friends are sporty none of them are in athloetics squad. i don't know what to do about it, I don't want to go again but I love athletics and i don't want to let those girls ruin it.

About to go through my maths, so i'll probably be very depressed in 20mins or so.

I'm really glad I have you to talk to,

Ellie xxx

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear you've had such a difficult day hunni! *hugs*

don't think about your lunch negatively sweetie - you ate something and should be so proud of yourself!!

let me know how you are doing,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey lexy,

Today would have been better if I had not seen a terrible car crash on the way into school and the image haunted me al day.

Had to hang out with so-called 'popular' people all afternoon, which waslike torture.

However I did manage to eat a snack at lunch! I am proud.

I think I might like anonymously e-mail my teacher and ask what I should do,

Talk soon

(Freaking out about scholarship)

Ellie xxx

awww sweetheart! *hugs*

yay!! =D you should feel sooo proud!!!

you did better than me hunni - I didn't even manage to make it into school =P

the email sounds like a good idea, as long as it is what YOU want to do.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

awww sweetheart! *hugs*

yay!! =D you should feel sooo proud!!!

you did better than me hunni - I didn't even manage to make it into school =P

the email sounds like a good idea, as long as it is what YOU want to do.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Dear Lexy,

Made HUGE step forward by e-mailing teacher for advice on what to do (i didn't tell her what my problem was, just that I needed somebody I don't knwo to talk to about it , and she e-mailed me a list of places that I could go to! I think I've chosen the school counsillor, she's kind of imdependant.

I am proud!

Talk soon

(sorry such a short message)

ellie xx

=D congratulations sweetheart!!

I think that seeing the school counsellor would be a fantastic place to start. I have been seeing a counsellor every week for nearly a year now and find her incredibly helpful to talk to.

let me know how it goes,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey Lexy,

My teacher e-mailed me another list of options and I decided to pick the one which was tell her by e-mail and then she might b able to help, and so I did and I revealed my identity and everything, and I'm gonna speak 2 her on friday.

I'm not sure whether to feel glad or sad about this,

I feel as if I have betrayed ana, I don't want her to go.

Ellie xxx

hey sweetheart,

you should feel so proud of yourself!

I know that it will be incredibly difficult, but try and be as honest as you can with her. try and draw on the strength that you have from the part of you that wants to get better hunni.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey lexy,

I am now kind of regretting telling her, I knew I would. I know its for the best and all but she will tell my parents I just know it, she says we have to come to an 'agreement'. I am SO scared, I have to go to talk to her this morning, I'm freaking out, esp as somehow some populars have found out already and I only told 1 person.

I still feel like I've lost my best friend (ana) I feel so mean, I don't want to leave heraftereverything she's helped with.

Scared (i'll tell u how it goes)

Ellie

hey sweetheart,

I know that this may be hard to hear, but ana is not your best friend, and she has not helped you with anything. *hugs*

you have shown how much strength and courage you have to beat this by going to your teacher gorgeous, and you can do this.

I have every faith in you =)

let me know how it goes,

take care hunni,

lexy -xxx-

Hey Lexy,

I know but you know sometimes i convince myself that she's almost real, I know, it sounds insane.

I meet up with my teacher every friday now, and she said that she is going to try and get me to a doctor without m parents knowing and also she is going to arrange for me to speak with somebod who she knows who has had anorexia. She is being really helpful.

My exams are over! I am sooo happy, I get results on tuesday and i am so nervous, i mucked up completely in some of the exams but there you go; you win some you lose some. I have found that I am less stressed so obviously that helps with the ED but also means that I have less incentive to eat and with all these parties coming up more incentive to be thin.

I'll tell you as soon as i get the results,

sorry i didn't write for a while but with exams it was all soo busy, i'll write more frquently again now,

ellie

hey sweetheart,

I'm sorry if my posts are short over the next couple of months - things are a little stressful ...

quite a lot has happened - am now on medication for anxiety and depression, and my therapist is talking about putting me on more medication to help me sleep ...

your teacher sounds sooo lovely! you really do deserve to have someone like her supporting you!

let me know how the exams have gone!

take care,

lexy -xxx- 

Lexy,

Oh my goodness honey! Are you ok? I completely won't mind if your posts are shorter! If I can help at all or if u just want to talk to someone i'm here.

My teacher is really nice. Things have moved pretty quickly for me, i'm starting to wish I had never told her because she's doing stuff about it. This morning she arranged for me to see a doctor without my parents knowing and the doctor somehow talked me into telling my parents. FREAKING OUT!

I don't think I got the scholarship, I haven't got the results yet, but the fact that I haven't got them yet is abit of a giveaway. Never mind.

take care,

ellie xox

hey sweetheart,

awww *hugs*

I'm okay, just exhausted.

how were your parents when you told them?

taqke care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Hey,

Well I only told my mum, and she didn't really understand and then got crosss at me which is really annoying. I couldn't face telling my dad.

I got my exam results back, for the scholarship. There were 32 candidates and they award 5 scholarships and i got TOP SCHOLARSHIP!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooo pleased!

Have to talk to my teacher again today as it is friday, I'm worried what she'll say about what the doctor found

Stay Strong,

ellie xox

hey sweetheart,

Well done!!! =D

*hugs*

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Lexy,

I just had a terrible talk with my dad. He completely didn't understand at all and started making up all this nonsense that he had had an ED as well and it was a common problem, we eneded up yelling at each other. \i know my life at home won't be the same again, they'll be watching m eating like a hawk. I wish so much that I had never talked to my teacher.

Ellie

hey sweetheart,

I know its hard but it is better in the long run I promise you =)

let me know how things are going,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Lexy,

I believe you, it will be better hopefully. However I have started a new weight loss regime, I am trying so hard to eat well and I'm being forced to, but then i feel guilty and try burn it all off.

My teacher is getting a supply of high-energy food for me at school in case i can't eat at school, just to keep me going. Also she has spoken to the teacher who is taking 1/4 of the year to wales for a week, so she can help as well when we r in wales.

How r things going with u?

Only reply if you want, don't pressure yourself honey,

ellie

hey sweetheart,

may be admitted for my depression and have also started to lose weight

keep in touch gorgeous,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey hun,

Oh my goodness! Poor you. *Hugs*

I don't really understand depression so don't listen to what i say if it doesn't sound helpful, ok hun?

You should probably try to think about what makes you feel depressed, like with EDs when you try and think of the triggers that make you want to binge/starve/whatever, maybe that would help? Also remember everyone who loves you, people love you for a reason and you make them happy, so don't start hatong yourself. I am here if you want to chat.

I'm excited because I will be 13 on tuesday, why don't you try to think of something like that which you are looking forward to?

Here if you need me,

ellie xoxox

hey sweetheart,

I'm 18 next month, but I'm scared that I may be in hospital for my birthday.

happy birthday for tomorrow gorgeous,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

cool ellie we share a birthday, except I will be 20 :)  what are you getting?

hey party people,

Lexy, that can be like an incentive for you not to be in hospital, so you can have a party, or atleast go clubbing! If you are in hospital don't worry, postpone your birthday until you get out! How is everything going?

Emma, That is cool! I don't know what I'm getting yet, I write out a list of like 30 things and then my parents buy what they can off it, but I expect this year they'll try buy me food to fatten me up. I'm hoping for some stuff from Bodyshop, the DVD of St. Trinian's and a trampoline (that is all i can remember from my list). We are celebrating on Saturday so that is when i will get my presents as my parents both work late in the week.

Take care both of you,

Love from ellie xox

PS I'm going to use all the money which I get from relatives for my birthday to make a donation to b-eat.

hey sweetheart,

hope you're having a fab birthday!! =D

bless you ellie - I think that is a fab idea and I may follow your lead on the donations!!

yesterday was awful mood wise - I didn't manage to do anything and just stayed at home on my own pretty much all day.

I'm hoping not to go in though ...

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Hey ellie did u have a good day? I went to the cinema to watch 'what happens in vegas' it was really good, made me want to find a nice man and be happy again!

Then I got to make lasagne for tea and I had my cake with candles.

I went shopping as well and the woman in harvey nics but some make up on me!!

Hope had a nice day xxx

Emma,

My day was OK. I went to a lecture at * University (an post-graduate lecture) which was reall dull, but i had it scheduled in my diary for months. I had a pretty normal day, but did some fun stuff (i.e water pistol fight with my brother). In the evening i made like a party tea for myself and my family with * and * and stuff. Then I watched The Apprentice and then I went to bed. The evening was the funnest part, I am looking forward to saturday as that is when I will celebrate - I am going shopping with a ffriend and to a coffee shop and then going to dinner and having presents! What did you get?

I had a blood test taken yesterday, the blood made me feel really sick, i'm getting the results back tommorrow.

Lots of love,

ellie xox

For my birthday I sat at home doing nothing, no cake, no party, no birthday tea. I had no energy and fainted twice x

I also had a blood test done on my birthday

what did u get for your birthday? x

I got mainly money but some presents like tights, body butter, candle, cd....but I'll save the money for when I'm better and buy loads of new clothes :)

Dreamer, when was your birthday, what did u get? it sounds like things didn't go to good. I'm so use to blood tests now and last year mine were really bad but they do get better xx

Ellie, I hope u have fun on saturday, I love going for a drink with friends :)

xxxx

hey guys,

dreamer - *hugs* I don't know what to say but I am always here for you, even if I don't say much!

emma - what did you do for your birthday??

ellie - how was your day!? I hope you enjoyed it hunni!!

take care all of you,

lexy -xxx-

I went to the cinema, my birthday seem quite a while ago now! I can't believe I am 20 ekk!!

How are you Lexy, are u feeling better? xxx

hey sweetheart,

I don't know how I am feeling - completely lost.

One thing gets better and the other gets worse. Also, I went on live chat earlier and my computer played up and I got kicked and I'm really scared I won't be able to go on again and I didn't do anything my computer just decided not to work on me =(

hope you are okay?

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

I'm sure you will get on again, what is the live chat like? what happens?

yes I am okay, I haven't really put on that much weight yet so I need to try harder, I was a bit annoyed as I tried really hard to eat better, also I can't go out as much now, but I really want to get well so I can get a job and socialise more!!

I hope you get better xxx

I'm not doing too well ... I'm sorry I don't really know what to say.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Lexy,

Honey I feel so bad for you! Just try to remember what a fantastic person you are. We all love you on here! There are so many people on here who can relate to you and like talking to you, because we all love you so much! Just try and remember that. I'm here if you ever need to taalk, honey

Ellie xxx

hey sweetheart,

thank you soooo much!

that's the first time I've genuinely smiled in days =)

how are things going for you??

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Lexy things will get better it may just take time. I'm getting frustrated as I am trying so hard and I have eaten so much more and better food but my weight hasn't gone up, but now I finally feel ready to get better and I know it will take time, but my mum always says that with any serious illness u have to take time out to get better and it's not that I'm being lazy not being able to do much xxx

hey sweetheart,

I don't know what to say but I have read your post and I am here for you *hugs*

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

I'd just been diagnosed with an ED - anorex-imia which combines the two. i didn't know there was such thing and i didn't want to believe it.

neither did my mum.

my dad was the same but he took it out on me in a different light but thats a different story. i never realised how much i was hurting my mum and how much she wanted me to be normal again.

she took away my mirrors and ripped the labels off my clothes.

she banned me from reading magazines and chat rooms on the net.

she brought me into school to make sure i wasn't just walking or running around all day and she stopped me going to my mates.

i had no idea she'd been watching me like a hawk since i lost weight.

i am ashamed of the way i blocked her out and we are still trying to rebuild our relationship.

thanks to her i am not dead.

keep your mothers close to you, you will need her.

hannah xx

hey sweetheart,

thanks. my mum does mean the world to me. =)

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

hi hannah, I appreciate my mum so much, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for her, I don't depend on her to eat all the time but I don't know where I would be without her and I know how frustrating it has been before when I have been ill and not wanting to get better, I know she finds it easier when I want to get better xx

Hiyaaa lexy =)

I know how ya feel - I'm the same with my mum, I love her to absolute peices but I feel like I'm ruining her life and that I'm selfish because I can't get better so my mum is using all her energy supporting me and keeping me strong.

Tbh, I really don't adive moving out awau from ur mum because that could make ur ED worse, u need ur mum there. She may not trust u or shout at u some times but she does it because she loves u and is scared ur not eating even when u promise u have. My mum openly admits that when it comes to me and food and eating all trust has gone and I don't blame her because I lied for soooo long.

Try writing her a little note of something telling her exactly how u feel and if ur worried what she'll say to ur face and bout it ask her to write her reply back to u because ppl express how they feel better when they're writing how they feel =)

I hope that helps (Y)

Keep strong and fighting xxx