new to this ?

hey hun, well done for posting-the first step to getting better is admitting you have a problem so well done.

i know its hard to tell the people around you whats happening and it does help to post on here and talk about everything and if you feel it helps then keep posting, i only first came on here a couple of months ago but the support has helped me alot and just knowing im not alone in how i feel.

always here to chat to if you need someone,   x x  x

Hey hun

I'm Sophie and I'm 18 too. My ed started around the same time as yours. First of all it's really brave of you to come on here to talk about it sweetie-everyone is so supportive on here and will be here for you whenever you need them.

It's hard to tell your friends and family hun-I know that. But maybe it might be better because you might be able to get some help with your ed. Plus-you will have the support that you really need. They love you and will support you, help you too.

You are really brave for coming on here hun and I'm so proud of you. We are all here if you need us ever, and just remember that you are a beautiful, strong young women.

Take care hun
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thanks for ur support already its nice to kno ther are people out ther that do understand, cos i just feel that the people around me such as friends and family could ever understand how im feelin.

thats another thing? do any of you ever feel that ur not even sure how ur feeling sometimes? like as in u dont reli understand why your so upset, about what caused you to be so upset. becaue sometimes this happens and i just feel so stupid. i mean most the time i feel low because of family, school/exams, friends, grief over family member who have died(died 9 years ago wen i was 8 yrs old but only reli feeling it now) and just genral life stuff, but ther is that odd ocasion i have no real resone and this feels horrid, does any1 else get this??

was wundering from anyone that has told ther friends  and wot their reactions were? cause im seriousily worried about being judged and i fear telling my friends because they have ther own problems and i feel terrible adding more.

thanks alot for ur support already, some how i feel a little less alone already   thanks xxx

i dont think anyone who has never suffered with an ed will ever truely understand how we feel but the people who care about you will want to understand and will try to and will most importantly support you which is what you need when your trying to beat this.

i never know how i feel-but thats my way of coping with situations, i cut off all my emotions so that i dont feel, that way i dont feel so much pain but i just feel numb i suppose all the time and just empty.but feeling down is normal, no one can be happy 100% of the time,could depression though?is quite common for people with an ed to have depression i think. sorry about your family member, no one in my family has died while iv been old enough to know so i dont know how it feels but just thinking about stuff like that upsets me and i know it must be hard.

i havnt told my friends-they can obviously see i have problems etc. like yours and i know mine would want to know and would understand but it would take alot of courage and strength for me to tell them and thats something i just dont feel i have a lot of. but you know your friends-if you think they would support and help you and you think you would benefit by telling them then go for it. i think family find it harder though-my sister just tells me im stupid or an idiot if i say i dont want anything to eat or refuse something offered to me.my mum not quite as bad but shel tell me just to eat something and doesnt understand its not that easy and that i would love to be able to just eat whatever i want and not worry about it and not feel like i have to purge or anything.thats not to say say your family would be the same, everyone is different and talking to people does help alot.dyu have a councillor at your school or anything who you could just go talk to?

anyway iv rambled a bit and have probly been no help to you whatsoever so sorry but yeh your not alone, theres always someone on here you can talk to if your having a bad day   x x x

Hey hun,

well i know what you mean about not knowing what you are feeling. Sometimes I can't describe my feelings at all, maybe because i'm too scared to know how i feel-if that makes sense. But I think it's mostly the ed that does that to us hun.

I have told most of my friends. I feel that I have to be honest with people because I don't really know how I will recover otherwise. I'm terrified that they will judge me, and i expect they do but it's so much easier for me to spend time with them when they are aware of it. especially if I have to eat around them-they can ask me if im okay about it.

I guess it's personal choice-but for me, if my friedns judge me because of my ed, i would need to question whether they were actually my friends at all.

you must do what feels right for you hn. But it does help to talk to someone, and it doesn't have to be family or friends maybe a professional?

take care hun-sorry i wasn't much help
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well telling school counseller is just not an option reli for me cos i have a family member who works at my school and works alongside with that family member so its a no go reli. i am considering trying to find an outside school councelling service (as i can drive so my parents wouldnt have to find out) somewere tho cos ive got to the point  that its effecting my school work and friendships and i dont want that. esp. cos im doing alevels and ment to be going off to uni soon if i get the grades.

how old are u  f12345 ? or what school year if that applies?  and i hope that maybe someday u can find strength and courage to be able to tell ur friends cos maybe once we can do that maybe we can be strong enough to fight our EDs??  maybe its just one step along the line of heeling. and im sorry that ur family doesnt understand and ur sister calls u stupid, u shudnt have to hear that cos im sure she has no idea, so never listen to her calling u that.  if my family ever reli found out i purged and stuff id be so embarsed, im guess im just trying to protect them from emotional harm cos i couldnt ever upset them cos i love them also which makes it very hard to be lieing to ther faces so often and hiding and throwing away food that my parents work so hard to pay for.

i hpe that everyone who reads this is finding strength and courage to make a step forward,  thanks to all 2   xxx

Hiya sweetie,

Well done for posting and welcome to the board. I’m Francesca, 17 and have suffered from anorexia and bulimia for 5/6 years now (hard to pinpoint when it exactly started). I have had a lot of treatment – outpatient, inpatient – well forced and self volunteered and hun it is the best thing i have ever done. If i hadn’t had that treatment i probably wouldn’t be here right now – i’m not saying i have recovered because of my treatment but i have come a lot closer. The only way you can get better sweetheart is if you want to get better and you fight your ed; and it does make it a whole lot easier if you have support from those around you. I hope that within time you will be able to trust someone to tell them, i know a lot have people have found the board useful as they can talk about it openly and get as much advice & support as they can. Just so you know, there is always someone here for you. If you ever need someone don’t hesitate to post, i will definitely reply if you put my name on it and want to speak to me directly.

In answer to your question i have told my friends/family....in fact my whole school knows about it. I think a lot of people that know me or know of me know abot my ed. I didn’t actually sit most of them down and tell them, it all came out when i was very ill and thin and was taken to hospital – i spent a lot of time in inpatient clinics etc. If i’m honest it was quite obvious at the time and news like that spreads fast. Recently though i have had to tell people, i.e. people i have only just met. Now i’m at a reasonable weight and don’t look unhealthy (well i don’t think i do anyway) so it is not visably obvious, although my behaviour with food is. But getting to the point i have told people and they have been very understanding, i have told people i’m close to (e.g. my boyfriend) and people that i’m not close too (e.g. someone at my dance school that i see a few times a year). I can tell people know and i can talk about it, i find it helps me just to be honest and i then don’t have to be put in a situation where there is loads of questions etc. Also the openness kind of holds back the gossiping.

It takes time and courage to be able to tell someone though hun, my advice would be to tell someone you really do trust first of all. That can be a teacher, friend, parent...etc

Urm...i think i have rambled too much. I hope you realise that you are special and you really don’t deserve to be going through this. I hope you can tell someone soon so you don’t have to suffer alone. Take care of yourself, much love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

heya

nice to meet u Francesca, wow its reli encouraging to hear ur story about the help uve recieved and ur path to recovery - nice to kno it is pssible to improve this situation ( not that it could feel any worse?), and wow gosh it must be so hard for everyone to kno but ur so brave i think id rather srival up into a tiny ball rite now if i knew some1 knew. i have to say i do wish i could just tell someone so that i could be helped but i have so much trouble in trusting people its not that easy.  but this board has reli helped alot, just being honest how i feel for once is good. as ive been told by all my mates that  wen i should be angry and bursting with energy i show no emotion what so ever and go silent ( aparently silent alot of the time) -not sure why just feel i dont want to talk to any1.

aww hun, u seem so kind and yet uve had to put up wid an ED for so long!  im so glad ur a resonable weight now and healthy. thats the problem tho i feel that im not under weight or reli very overweight. im  currently on the border of healthy and underweight and therfore dnt look i have a ED and feel people could ever believe me if i told them but i kno myself i do cos surely its not rite to be making myself sick 2-3 times aday and feeling this rubbish emotionaly?

any how im waffling rubbish,  hows u doing / feeling?

 thanks for ur help- seriously reli does help alot.

frm sarah   xxx

Ahh, well there are plenty of them about, school is obviously just an easy place to do it as you have to go in anyway but driving eliminates the trouble of getting places.

Yeh mine affects my school work, my friendships, my work, just everything basically and i wish i had never let it get to this stage because now i have its even harder to turn back.

16 nrly 17 so yr12, doing as levels, have had to drop one already cause was getting too much, already did one last year though so it doesnt matter majorly i suppose bout dropping that one.

i think we all have the strength inside us its just knowing how to use it to beat this ed, but it can and will be beaten and believing that is what keeps me struggling through it all and not just giving in entirely although right now i cant make it go away i can just tell myself i need it to and its not right.may seem small but it means i have hope that life wont always be like this and one day il be okay because i know the problem and i know i can get help for it even if im not ready to atm.

i know its because she doesnt understand but makes me angry that she would think i liked being like this and did it by choice because i feel that thats what she thinks, if i could just turn around tomorrow and go eat whatever i wanted, without caring how fat i was i would.i feel some of my friends think i do it out of choice as well-i dont think they understand that its actually like being two people, its not me choosing to do this its the ed.

yeh i hate lying and im really bad at it, the only thing i can lie about is food, i can tell now though if its anything to do with food no one believes a thing i say but they know they cant prove im lying so even if they confront me about it i deny it still.i feel so horrible doing it and thinking about it but when im in the situation it just happens, i just dont know what reaction id get if i told people i hadnt eaten all day or that iv eaten possibly days worth of food all in one go then thrown it all up.so if i pretend to be normal at least i can be treated like i am.

Oh and thanks for your little section to me on one of the other posts :] .  Stay strong lovey,

XX

heya f12345 ,  i kno u said u wernt ready for help yet but, i think the way u think about the fact that we can all beat this is reli influential and inspiring. i have times wer i think i should just give up but i think ur such positive thinking may help to me thinking such things. - but i do understand although ur so supportive to me (greatfull for ) and ive seen others and u seem so positive im worried ur not reli letting on how rubbish u feel and wanted to say im always here if u do want to let of so steam hun.

sorry short post today-cant reli think today, hope ur doing ok, take care and thanks xxx

hey sweetie, thanks :) , made me smile. i dunno- i just seem to have infinite faith in everyone but myself, and i pretend to be strong for everyone else so they feel they can rely on me and so i can help and support them, when the only person i need to be doing that for is myself, i just dont like to feel vulnerable when really thats all i am and im not strong at all, i feel id let people down if i let on how i really feel. But i do somehow manage to carry on and get thru everyday, even if getting thru it is all im doing, i wish i knew what it was that makes me do that though and keeps me hoping because then i could draw strength from it and start to beat this instead of just telling myself i need to and that i will but that will come i suppose in time.

keep fighting    XXX

heya, jus read ur message and want u to kno that u dont have to be strong for me im able to cope with u showing ur feelings and wanna be able to give u support were possible because uve been so "strong" for us and u shouldnt have to be. i kno people use the word "being strong" but ive come to a understanding on here that sometimes its ok just not to be strong and that its ok and u wont be seen as vulnerable or letting any1 down, so reli if u feel u can im all ears (or eyes lol).

sorry to hear uve had to drop a AS level already, i only managed to do 3 in my first year two. wow u must be smart to have already done one b4 hand!! clever cloggs

just wanted to let u kno i went to the doctors today, how scary it was i did it!  she/gp was reli nice tho. shes given two weeks to see if i can get the courage to talk to the school counsellor if not she said shel refer me over. so going bak on the 6th december (2 weeks time)to see her again for a 'catch up' session. dont reli feel shes helped yet but i guess its only one ste along the line. - atleast finally someone other than me  who knos now which kinda worries me but she cant tell anyone - confieduality and all that.

so hows u hun?? how u coping?

from sarah xxx

yeh, i always write really really long ranty posts tho nd never actually post them. i dont even know how i feel right now, unbelievably s*** basically.i need help so badly, i know i need it, yet i managed to break down an just sit and cry in front of one of my teachers monday when kept behind after a lesson nd asked if i was okay and still say i was fine when obviously im not.i dont get it-i want to say im not okay, but something always stops me.i havnt really been going to school though and have been lying to my mum about not having lessons so shel come pick me up and take me home.so when they eventually ring her shel be even more mad for lying so im making myselfeven worse worrying about upsetting her nd causing her even more stress than i do already but i cant stop it-i just feel out of control of everything.i hate myself for doing this to myself and to everyone around me arghh.im fed up of this,i want help but im scared of people knowing and finally having to deal with everything iv got in my head from like the past six years but im also scared of what i might do otherwise-i can feel myself on the edge of breaking down and i know i cant put my family or friends thru all this and my work and everything in my life is starting to suffer even more than usual-basically im not coping at all and everything is getting way too much.okay-rant over!

well done you  ((hugs)) . are you gonna go or wait till she refers you? it may not have helped yet, and it won't just go away over night but its a huuge step in the right direction. have you been able to talk to any of your friends or anything yet?

keep fighting this, one day at a time, flic  x x x

aww big hug for u, sorry ur feeling this way hun. i reli do advise u either go bak to that teacher that asked u to stay behind or another one that u feel happy talking to becos it really would let alot of strain of u, i kno it doesnt seem like itd help but it really would just to kno that ur not alone and some1 around is slightly aware of wots going on.

my friends been trying to get out of me wots up for the last  few weeks and i couldnt tell her but i told her yeasterday !! now that was so scary but she was as understanding  as she coulda been and i had that feeling of relief of that just atleast some1 knew wot was going on- at first i was like OMG wot have i done i shouldnt have told u that ( although i wrote it down). but then after a while it felt the right thing, and i kno wot u mean about being worried about upsettng people and not wanting them to worry about u cos i felt that way but my friend said shed rather have known to support me rather than letting me keep it all in and not have anyone ther for me and to let things continue geting bad, so id reli advise telling just one person huni, i kno its soooo hard- maybe u should try the writing it on paper like me and just handing it over?? just an idea

im not sure wot to do about the refered over thing cos if im refered i think my parents may find out and i reli dont want that to happen. so not sure il have a chat wid the doc next time im ther... may have to go bak b4 my date i was given tho becos i have tonsilitis at the moment and its not getting any better so may need to get more, stronger medication for that soo mmmm il see.

im too not reli going to all lessones - i lie about it and just say its cos im ill cos my tonsilitis which is true i am ill but i probs could go to more lessons than i have, i just cant be bothered anymore lol. im just trying to force myself to go cos i kno i need to pass my exams for a gd career path in the future.

but hey ho il stop talking now, feel free to write bak, love to kno how ur coping and feeling(remember u dnt have to be strong for me)  - like to chat to u if u dnt mind??

take care from sarah xxxxx

no worries.. nahh my teachers all talk between each other, id talk to one who would tell all the others, one of whom would tell a student who would tell everyone else and soon enough the whole school would know.that may sound a bit far fetched lol but is what happened the last time i tried to kill myself, obv my mum had to ring the school let them know i wasnt gonna be in nd why nd then i started getting loads of messages off people when i hadnt of nd wouldv told anyone because a teacher had told some people in my year, but my friend had a go at the teacher who told them nd made her cry which made me feel a bit better!but yeh thats a no!but i know telling someone would help me, i would need to write it down though, anytime i try and talk about feelings or get into a pressured situation i have panic attacks nd start to cry.

well done hun, bet that was a big weight off your shoulders.i know the friend i wanna talk to, is just finding the right time, i can trust her though and i know shel understand and try and help me.

hmm, well they cant actually tell them cause obv is a breach of confidentiality but it might be easier than having to say it all again cause your gp would tell them why she was refering you when she does..thats how id look at it anyway..but then that would probly also just be an excuse to put it off for longer!

aww, i hate being actually physically ill, hope your feeling better soon. i just tell them it was cause i couldnt be bothered-leaves them a bit speechless so i get away without a telling off hehe.is a bit rude but is the truth i suppose and they all know im not well so i get away with a lot more than most. yeh thats the only reason im going right now cause i know i cant go back and change everything if i drop out and then regret it in a couple of years and i know i dont wanna be stuck with no job or money being just as miserable as i am now-i wanna leave this behind not carry it with me.

have a good weekend,    XXX

heya, sorry its taken me a while to repond- been having a few busy, not very good days recenty.

im glad u have a friend in mind u could write it all down and tell- thats a gd start- have u told them yet hun since we last spoke??

im also glad ur aware of how important going to school is becos i kno for sure  how easy it is just not to go but although it aint easy pushing ur self to go its worth it in da end i guess. ive had a real kick up the bum at school becos ive gone from top grades like A grade down to low E grades and got a little chat of how this isnt good ect.....  any how im chatting rubbish.( sorry im struggling to think wot to say today)

hows u hun?

take care  from sarah xx

dont worry, no need to apologise, i havnt been posting much or anything lately either cause not been feeling too good..

whats been going on with you, how come youv not been so good?or jsut generally feeling down?

i havnt told her no, but i have an appointment with my phsychiatrist in jan =S  , so scared, and had a huuge argument with my mum cause she booked it without telling me or asking me first cause theyd rang her nd asked for me to make an appointment but i suppose its for the best, just really scared and i dont like feeling like i have to or am being pressured into doing things even though if im asked i just say i dont care anyway cause i hate making decisions *-) .

yeh, iv been going a bit more this week, but is just such an effort esp. cause my mums away all the time so i have to get myself up and to school with no one making me which is why i end up not going alot.had a mock physics test today, so should see how much its affecting me though, in that anyway. if not i will also get the typical 'this isn't good enough' chat. but yeh try not to worry too much about it, you can do retakes in june, not ideal but yeh. Are you planning on going to uni?

Hmm, i dont know, somedays iv actually been feeling okay but then the days inbetween are even worse than normal, havnt been eating much and havnt b/p in 4days so feel more in control though so yeh im not really sure-just realised at the start i said id not been feeling too good but then actually iv been feeling better than usual i think so yeh not sure!

Have you thought anymore about seeing a councillor or have you been back to the doctors yet? Hows the tonsilitis?

((hugs)) XXX

heya hun,lol i understad about the up and down feeling i go through that a lot lol, seem to be stuck on a low at the moment tho but yee, it doesnt help i cant get rid of my tonsilitis cos thats makin feel worse i think. going to the doctors in 3 days time ( thursday) .. bit worried bout wot shel say in terms of counselling and stuff cos i kno itd help but i reli hate expressing how i feel and not sure im ready for it but hey.

must be very hard with ur mum away alot! u see my mums been very smart - she makes me set my alarm to wake up in da morning and  i have to get up to go wake my mum up (she wont set her alarm) so im responsible for making sure shes up and if i dont get up shel be late for work so i have no chocie but to get up then once im up shes like ohh see u can get up and go to school then lol ...... dunno if that makes any sense?

should be able to get tomro off though because i went for a run earlyer which made my cough 10 times worse ( through no fault of my own i must admit) but still itl help to have off so i can try catch up on coursework ect.

ohh thats gd tho that u have a phsychiatrist meeting in jan, u never know could help.  anyway id best be off got so much school work at the moment.

cya hun, take care xxx

aww hunny, tonsilitis any better yet?couple of my friends have had it recently. howd the doctors go today? yeh i know its tough but it will help, and you dont have to talk, you can ask to write it down if thats easier for you.

yeh is a bit, especially when im going thru a b/p phase because theres nothing there to stop me-i would never dream of doing it if anyone was in the house. havnt b/p in nrly 2weeks now tho :]]] . fainted on monday tho in front of my mum =S so shes been just a tiny bit annoying the past couple of days and shed said i could work xmas day but think shes now realised its so i dont have to eat xmas lunch nd is saying i cant.i am though cause i alredy told my boss i could.which has made me feel a lot better because i was working myself up bout xmas a bit, and have been feeling a lot better from no b/p aswell, so has been quite a good week and am feeling a lot more positive.

it will help i know, but they dont know bout my ed, i just blamed the weight loss on my depression last time i went and managed to make up answers to all the questions they asked me about eating so that theyd believe me so for that to be dealt with i will have to bring it up myself which i know i wont do.but i am gonna go as i dont want to keep feeling like i have been the past few months, i feel like im finally taking a step forwards rather than backwards.

hope your feeling a bit better, let me know how your doing   XXXX

heya, awww im reli pleased u feel that ur finally moving a bit forward, and well done for not b/p for 2 weeks thats reli good... as long as ur  not fasting instead or anything like that? i only say that cos u fainted which may indicate u havnt eaten enough maybe?glad your feeling little more postive now. i know its not problem solved but its one step closer.

erm doctors ... hmmm went okish, she weighed me and id lost a bita weight  which suprised me but she wasnt to happy with but she asked me to go back in another 2 weeks - and i said i couldnt reli cos of xmas and stuff and so i gota go back as soon as i can in January unless "things get to much for me or just need to chat" as she puts it lol. shes waiting to see if this counselling charity/voluntary thing get back to me by Jan cos im on the waiting list for them and if they havnt shes gunna put me straight on nhs. so not reli that sure wots gunna happen so far ... il find out next month probs.

tonsilitis is almost gone which is good, still feeling pretty rubbish at the moment tho just got a reli confused feeling that i dont feel i know who or what anything is anymore, been thinking about how much ive lost sight of of who i used to be that i dont even remember who i used to be before this and questioning how far back these problems really go, thing is i dont really remember all that much and its worries me i dont kno cos when they ask me questions when i have my counselling i wont be able to answer cos i dont remember and id look really stupid.

but anyway im chatting rubbish..... i was gunna say that you shouldnt work xmas day cos its a special day and i couldnt imagine working xmas day but honestly id probs do anything to get away from all the food thats around at xmas, and all the people that you have to see ect.

i kno its a bit far off now but you will have let me know how you get on with the phsychiatrist  in Jan. ul ave to try to be as honest as possible - i know its easer said than done becuase i tell myself to be honest at the doctors but i cant force out the truth although i know the truth is the right thing but maybe that just part of an ED?

anyway hope your well, always feel free to express both sad and happy emotions to me on here cos although i kno you said you felt more positive im sure you probley have worries... but then i think everyone does even if you dont have an ED lol ... man i can waffle on lol he he anyway take care , keep me updated, and thanks for writing back and stuff - i hope u dont mind too much?

from sarah xx

um *-) have been a bit, well a lot i suppose, but then thats cause the only time i eat really is when i b/p nd i havnt been, nd then also been going to the gym alot- iv never got rid of the ana thoughts tho, theyr always there iv just had another voice on top of that telling me to binge so when i block that out im just back to before..but i feel so much better and happier that i dont think losing a bit of weight is that significant atm

ahh, thats not too bad then. how come she hasnt just put you on nhs anyway? yeh, just have to wait and see. i really dont get why these things take so long.

i know what you mean, i remember who i used to be and i just dont feel like im me anmore and i dont know how or what to feel about anything. and i suppose iv only had an ed for a year nd a half but then thinking about it i guess iv never had a healthy attitude towards food and i remember my mum asking me when i was about 12 if i was ana which i though was ridiculous, but five years down the line here i am.

yeh all my friends ahve been telling me how stupid it is because i work way too much anyway, but i dont know, i just cant deal with it and i do like working cause it keeps me busy.i was also meant to be going around to my dads who i hate and dont get on with at all so idv done anything to get out of that! you also havnt met my family, my dads side who we spend it with are all a bunch of crazy alcoholics basically and theres so many issues and problems theres nearly always a huuge argument every year.and i mean throwing things, crying, shouting, not just your usual heated conversation.so even without the food side of things i hate it.iv probly made my family sound like complete nutters ha, theyr nice its just when they all get together a long with a large supply of alcohol that it all starts to go wrong!

course il let you know. yeh honesty is my problem when it comes to feelings, im just so used to pretending there not there and pretending im okay that its just a reflex reaction now.but i am gonna try, its just stopping myself from breaking down so i can actually talk which is the problem.i have to get asked yes or no questions, cause im usually crying too much within five minutes to actually answer, so i can just nod or shake my head, i cant even do that tho-i just shrug my shoulders, they must get a bit fed up.i really dont know how they do it.

ha dont worry bout waffling is nice to have someone to chat to  :] .

XXX

heya, aww soz to hear that things arnt always easy with ur dad and his family- cant be very easy. see i dont have any problems like that- my family are ok most the time, i mean i could never tell them about my ED or anything of how im feeling but i able to get along alrite, im actually feeling reli stupid because i cant see anything clear in my life that should be making me so down or brought on my ED i mean i can think of a lot worse things that happen to people but i cant say thers anything clear or massive in my life that i can clearly pin point and ive just got that feeling of that i should just stop being silly and get on with life and ive tryed that but it just doesnt work, this ED just doesnt go away. ... and i very much dout that makes any sence!

i get what you mean about the fasting thing, i started of ana  but started b/p after 2 years of ana. and now  i can still go weeks just blocking out the thoughts of needing to binge and end up just go not eating  or eating very little but still having the need to want to be sick,just periods of feeling food is the worest thing ever and struggle to actully put in in my mouth and let it go down. but then after the times of hating food past i b/p again for a little then go back to hating food its hard to explain so that ud understand wot i mean but yea its strange.

sorry i dont mean to sound so negative or moany but im feeling so crap at the moment and im despriate to cry but cant seem to at the moment and i feel it just waiting to burst out. u ever had that? ive felt it for like a month now??? - not such a gd feeling.

grrrr sorry hun my sisters pushing me off the computer... i did wanna ask more about u but looks like i wont have time sorry. hows u coping at the moment???

take care, from sarah xxxx

hey hunny, sorry its taken me so long to reply, i dont really no whats going on with me atm, iv been working alot to try and occupy my mind and just so im not in the house because thats where everything seems to happen-recently every room i walk into so many bad memories flood back and the depression is becoming unbearable right now and with that comes binging which makes me feel more depressed which makes me binge more.... but going to physc on monday so i guess theyl put me on more antidepressants or something.anywayyyy enough negativeness..

did you have a good xmas and new year? feeling any better?

sorry dont have much to say but just wanted to apologize for being so rude and not replying for so long. let me know your okay  XXXX

heya, no worries its not rude at all ive not been on here in a long time either anyway. just stick in there hun, sorry to hear things arnt so good at the moment. ( big hug). glad ur going to the psych soon thatl help maybe just to get some stuff off ur chest, just try to be as honest as u can hun or they cant help. ive got another docs appointment on thursday which im dreading cos ive lost some weight since my last one and im not sure what shel do but i dont wanna put it back on just so that there happy cos il be even more unhappy if that makes any sense at all lol.

my xmas was alrite i guess thanks,bit hard but i was expecting that. aww hun so sorry ur finding things hard! im always here if u wanna chat and just let it all out cos it reli helps! take care hun and stay in touch every now and then cos i often think bout how u and others on here are doing. stick in there luv from sarah xxxx

hiya hun,

only just found your post, so hope things are going better than they were.

I'm also in year 13, and have found that I feel unable to tell my friends about my issues and concerns around food. I understand your feelings of guilt and anxiety around food, and realise that no matter how much you try and explain to someone how you are feeling they will never fully be able to understand as they have never been in this position.

always here if you want to chat

lexy -xxx-

heya, nice to meet u. things seem to sorta go up and down emotionaly at the moment as im sure u understand about school exam stresses and stuff at the moment plus just genral life stuff. its nice that uve joined this convo now reli for me cos i guess i get to reflect on how things are slowly going forward. - ive told a friend and da doctor and soon to start counselling which im terrified of but it could help. although ive started loosing more weight again over the last months because im stressing out a bit.

whots ur situation hun? how u coping with things?? have u had any help and support from anyone?

take care, and stay strong. xxx

hiya,

had a really bad night on wednesday due to bingeing which made me feel absolutely awful as its the first time that I have really binged, before I was just restricting so when I felt that I was bingeing I was actually eating a normal amount of food, but on wednesday I really did binge and therefore didn't sleep through severe guilt. I was meant to be taking an exam thursday morning as well, but as I didn't sleep the night before my mum came with me to talk to my teacher and explain things, and she said I can retake in the summer on medical grounds. Also, she said I only have to go in to school on days I feel able to cope and she'll send the work home for me, which meant that I kind of had to tell my friends due to the fact that I'm not really at school anymore.

while I was there she also booked a doctors appointment for me for that afternoon and said that I should get him to ring the clinic that I'd been referred to to try and push things through. he diagnosed me with severe depression, and after my stepdad rang the clinic I have an appointment monday morning which I'm a little worried about.

I'm also having counselling once a week, and have been since May.

soz for such a long post. how are things going for you at the moment??

lexy -xxx-

hey hunny sorry i havnt spoken to you in so long and didnt reply or anything kinda went a bit downhill.. how are you anyway? did your exams go alright nd everything? ..  XX

heya, sorry just get so many posts on this board its hard to keep up sometimes... wow to think i started this back in november 07- and nothings got any better but only worse . anyway yeh i got my exam results back- they were top grades so its ok, although resently ive just lost all motivation for everything and lost concentration too so ive kinda fallen behind with my coursework ect. which isnt so good but hey. been feeling very low at the moment and had a few insidents such as being rushed to hospital  a few weeks ago ect. but i think im alright now. how about you hun? hows things with the family and the job- still working to much? you still seeing the psych? - hows that going? my docter got me to see a counsellor but i kinda decided to quit after 3 sessions because i couldnt cope with it.. which i guess was probly a mistake seen as it maybe my only way out off this, but at the moment the boards keeping me afloat.

let us kmow how your getting on, nice to hear from you

take care and take it easy! xx

hey sweetie,

dw hunni, we all need a bit of time sometimes lol!!

sorry to hear things are so difficult for you right now. am always here if you ever need to vent.

coursework can be redone hunni, and your health comes first! don't push yourself too hard. things will get better, promise!

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetie,

lexy -xxx-

Well done! I failed a couple of mine but have dropped out anyway, things havnt been going too well :S . Aww hunny, try and look at all the good that will come out of it, i no its hard to keep going sometimes but you can do it.

Yeh i od'd in the past two months, only the last one a few weeks ago resulted in hospitalisation though and only one of my friends knows about the other times, how im still here i have no idea.but since dropping out of sixth form been feeling a lot better, still not good but better. feel iv let my mum down a lot but then iv always felt like iv had to be better than my sister cause shes hardly the best daughter ever and now iv dropped out nd not really doing anything, i think she understands though, but then its like a few days after anything major like that happens its back to normal and its like it never happened and its like they think im completely better and nothing was ever wrong.its strange.

how come you ended up in hospital lovey? try and look after yourself okay?do your parents know or anything now?

yer working way too much, was my bday today but ended up working a six hour shift this evening!not what most people would plan but i knew my mum would suggest going out for a meal or something..did it mothers day too which i felt quite bad about. errr well iv been once since i was in hospital and will have to go a couple more times and pretend im okay so they say i can stop, hate it alot, meant to be taking anti depressants but havnt really.lost a bit of weight nd im meant to put some back on before i go away but dont want to right now, think il stil be able to go though even though i dont really want to.

hmm, i guess you just have to find the right one, i was told that before i saw one that i may have to see a few before i find one im actually comfortable with nd stuff but then i just dont like to admit i need help so i dont wanna see anyone whoever it is, but thats just me really.but yeh keep trying..

Anything else been happening with you?

XXX

heya, ohdear so things not going to well either then... uve been hospitalised to, defo not been to good then. its kinda a long story about me being rushed to hospital but its alright now just gota have some brain scans soon and stuff but alls ok... i think.

aww hun you gota take it easyer, you seem to be working too much and not taking enough care of yourself. you gota stop pretending to be fine hun, youl never get out of this if you continue that way, nd ok i know its not easy because i do exactly the same as you so i cant really tell you to stop but deep down i know that we really have to stop this. and maybe its a gd idea you try and take your anti-depressants, espacialy if your not going to talk to anyone, you cant cope with nothing hun, PLEASE give it some consideration, not for anyone else but for yourself.

and well with my parents- i would not really say they know about the ED but they have there supsions and aware sumthings up. they keep check on what im eating ect. (couldnt get any more anoying). i mean all my teachers have said i look ill and how much weight ive lost in front of my mum but she still hasnt really directly said anything to me. kinda strange situation- if anyones in denial its my mum lol. i think the hospital thing kinda woke her up a little more to the fact im not coping so well as she nd everyone thought but hey im trying to pick myself up to get them off my back for now, i dont really need or want them to care- seems to just push me further away.

anything else happening with me??? hmm not really kinda been withdrawn lately so not had the chance- wot about you ?? and by the way  - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! , how old are you now? 17?

tace care hun- and PLEASE really do take care of yourself!

from sarah xx

nahh not really! oh no :S , well let me know how everything goes nd stuff.

yerr, iv got a ten hour shift today which should be fun :-\ . i cant say no though when im asked to work, i feel like im letting people down, even if on a rare occasion iv made plans i immediately say yes.i guess thats one of my weaknesses, the abilty to let everyone walk all over me.but im only doing two days this week and my mum said shed take me out one day so will have a bit of a rest and spend time with my dog :) , hes my life line right now.

i know i have to stop pretending, but it comes so naturally now. I told one of my friends half the story, like the depression side of things cause her sister had tried to kill herself and i wanted to help her understand it, but eating is still such a guarded subject for me and i dont know why. yeh my mums realised i havnt been taking them so stood and watched me while i did yesterday nd today, they made me feel so fake though last time i took them.

yeh i guess thats what it was like with me at first, they study what your eating, quiz you every time you get home, my mum even went as far as trying to weigh me every week at first but i soon refused to do it realising she couldnt exactly make me, but its just an unspoken subject now i guess because yeh my weight goes up and down but i havnt reached a critical stage again so she doesnt see it as a major problem i guess. Yeh i know its hard to let people care and interfere but it think if id admitted it at first i wouldnt be in the mess im in now. I weigh myself every morning though without fail and my mum walked in on me in the kitchen yesterday, the way she looked at me was horrible.when shes around though i try and atleast eat something just so she doesnt say anything.

aww, well same really, been trying to go out a bit more also just to please my mum nd stop her worrying but i get half way through a night and just feel so depressed i have to ring her to pick me up.

yer 17, another year of my life completely wasted. But i can finally drive, got a mini for my birthday off my dad and a personalised number plate nd stuff..hes such an idiot!tries to buy me and its not gonna work, but im keeping the car though ha.

im trying to, its harder than it seems though, i mean im sat at home a lot of days now doing nothing and still i have no time for myself and i have no idea what i actually do!i am slowly seeing though that i cant just help everyone else i also have to help myself, bit of a breakthrough for me..
But that goes for you too, you come before anything or anyone else okay? And if you can then try and talk to someone, you dont have to tell them everything but it does help a tiny bit to know that there's someone there that can understand without having to explain everything first if you need them.

flic x o x