(No Subject)

:( Oh, the title was meant to be Mischief. :(

Hyia

No worries. I really wish I could give you a great big hug and make it all better. It sounds c*** but you don't deserve this hun. Remeber there is no such thing as perfect, and in your families eyes you will be whatever.

I hope I make sense tonight I'm not with it and I'm blasting music to drowen out my thoughts so I can't think.

I really feel and know what you mean but they perfect though. To me my cousin is the embodiment of perfection she is perfect, she acts perfectly she is tall blond and mega skinny, plus she's brainy and sporty and she makes friends dead easily, all the things I struggle with. I am ssoooooooo jelous of her.

She would at least be able to spell jelous!!!!!!

Please try to remember hunni and I know it's hard that eating is a problem but it's not the main problem there are reasons that you have problems eating, fear of things avoidence whatever these are they will NOT be solved by not eating. Eating problems don't slove anything you will still have to face up to whatever it is that you have the eating disorder for.

The best (and hardest) thing to do is to eat that way your brain chemicals will be normal you will be stronger, emotionaly and physically. Being uderweight does not slove your problems they will still be there, also I know you will have heard this about a million times but when you have an ED you aren't in control it is.

If something good happens hold onto it hold the moment and remember that you have a right to be well. You have a decerve to have fun and have a laugh and enjoy life. It is that evil b****** of an ED that says you don't but it's lying hun don't beleive a word it says.

THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH IN THE UNIVERSE THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE ILL HUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are an amazing person and you'll hate me for saying it but I am telling the truth unlike that thing whispering in your ear right now. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS HUN you can be free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The dominos are uncontrolable but not eating does not help. The best thing to do honestly hun is to eat and be well then your incharge you do have a choice we all have a choice in everything even if we don't beleive we do. You have the choice to eat or not to. It's up to you not that little devil on your sholder, not whether your family wants you to. Hunni we have to make that choice (damm scary as it is) to eat and get better to enjoy life and not be afraid becaus ehun this is no way to live. You decerve so much more than all this misery, it does take work hun but you are strong even if you don't feel like you are and it's that strength that you must call on to get better. Its in there hun and it is possible. You were free once even if you can't remember and you can be again. And the help will be there for you whatever you weigh.

The pictures were all photoshoped * went down to a size 0 just on the tecnology it's mega scary.

My Grandparents are okayish. Grandads still in and out of hospital and Grandmas still in her own world but thats them and there still my Grandparents, crazy but lovely.

I'm sorry if you think I've been auful to you tonigh. You'll never want to speak/post again. If things are getting you down hun and posting hlps keep doing it though. I just want you to know that you can get better and that you do decerve to very much so, please stop being so hard on yourself you are not a horrible person the ED keeps telling you you are. See if you can get back with your eating hun remember those there small meals and snacks a day, you decerve them hun you have a right to eat.

I say I'm a bad judge of charactor because I put my trust in people and then get betraied. I got off lightly with appoints this week, only one and college. Yes I count college like an appointment I don't know why but I do. I can bearly remember this week it's all a blur I can't even remember who it was with. How have yours gone? I can't keep up anymore.

Don't worry if it's not 'uplifting' I hope it's helped you getting it out don't let it weigh you down hun it's not worth it but you are. I hope I have been of some help, I ain't having the best time either but I'm hoping it's going to pick up soon, I'm still teriffied about the future and everything but I don't want to be like this forever hun and I doubt you do either. I keep waiting and hoping someone will come in take my hand and lead me but they won't it has to come from us hun. Whatever we do it is our disition in which direction we fight.

You are still you hun underneith all of the ED you are still there waiting to get out and be you again. If you feel like you don't know you it's proberbly not you it's proberbly the ED and that isn't you hun however much it feels like it is. It's the lowst of the low the worst thing imaginable and then some, it will take and take until you are no more please hun don't let it, cause it doesn't it'll take and take until theres nothing left hun and it'll lie to you all the way pretending to be your friend saying that you have to do this or not do that don't.

Sorry if it seems well I have been a bit preachy tonight I really want you to get better hun and I know you can do it. You decerve to be better and to stick to fingers up at the ED.

Take care hun

Mischief

Hey.

Sorry if this is going to be a load of rambling nonsense, because I truly think that it may end up that way.

I can understand the music thing, as that is what I am doing right now. Headphones in, it's not loud, but loud enough so I can't think. Loud enough to take away the horrible thing in my head. Just for a little while. Just for a bit.

I just, I just feel so greedy and disgusting for eating, and I hate feeling that way. I so, so thought I was 'over' it. I thought I had beaten Anorexia, I thought I had won. It just came back stronger. I am eating, but I feel so greedy and awful after I have.

If I was speaking to anyone else, I would say that eating is imperative for survival, it is a must, it isn't a choice thing because if you don't eat, in the end you will die. You will be poorly. You won't be able to concentrate, you won't be able to function. Part of me knows that, but that part is losing and the other part is winning. She is nasty though. She isn't nice.

I just can't see that it is ever going to change, I truly don't. I wish people understood, I wish people would just hold me and hold my hand and walk with me and make it better. I wish they would. I just feel so alone and so scared. So, so scared. I want to be held, more than anything, just to be held.

I know you are right, (well part of me does), and I would say the same to anyone else. It's just, I don't know. Somehow it is different to me, as I don't believe I do deserve to eat. Sometimes I don't even think it is worth getting better. I can't see the point sometimes. Or, it's not that I can't see the point, it's just I don't know whether it is ever going to happen? What if this is me? What if there is no more?

I don't think you have been awful, and I do want to speak to you again. As for being hard on myself, I feel I need to be. There is so much that I regret, or that I wish was different, and I just want to change it and make it all better..... but I can't. I want to. I keep trying to. I just can't.

I don't know whether I am there anymore. I feel as if *I* have left me..... and she is coming in stronger and stronger. Taking over more and more. I don't like her.

I'm sorry things are rubbish for you. We are a nightmare!! Lol.

Am glad that your grandparents are ok though.

As for your appointments, are the improving slightly? Or still much the same? I have 3 appointments this week, albeit for different reasons!! Dentist, nurse and a talky one.

As for your bad judge of character. I don't think you are. I think sometimes we all come across people who are nasty individuals who will do anything to get at you. Or trust people that we shouldn't, but then we also make the right decisions and you have to take the good with the bad.

I hope things have improved a little. I feel scared about the future too - it's scary isn't it. How are you feeling now?

xxxxxx

Hi Becki

Sorry if this makes no sense at all. I am way past being coherent but I didn't want ot leave it any longer before I replied as I've taken too long anyway.

A huge well done to you hun for eating even though that evil voice is screaming it's lies. You musn't let it win you are better then it. I don't beleive ana is the whole problem yes it is a big part but it is because of something else in yourlife that you have it, so try not to think I haven't beaten it when I thought I had. Really it's whatever the problem is that causes it or another problem had happened and your way of dealing with that problem is to trun to food. You have NOT failed in anyway, you need to learn better coping stratergies.

Not nice is a bit of an understatment isn't it? lol. Keep telling yourself what you have said that eating is imperitive to survival. Think of all the benifits you get out of eating more energy better consentration etc, and thry to hold onto them hun.

You are not alone hunni, I don't know how to make you see that but you aren't there are people who love you dearly and care about you deeply, it is the eating that keeps you issolated. Eating probs are scary I wish I could say something more useful but they are hun, we both know it, but not eating makes things seem at least 10 times worse, then they really are.

You aren't alone in this hun you have your family, friends, mindy people (phycks) and there will always be people on this bored who will listen and who are going through similar things. Unfortunatly we're the only ones who can decide to put in all the hard work to get better, that bit only we can do.

Silly question do you ever ask for hug/cuddles when you need them? They can do so much good and they don't involve words.

There is sssssssssoooooooooooooooooo much more to you then this ED. It's just hard to see it because the ED hides all your good points. If you asked anyone to list what they will remember you for I think you'll be surprised at how many will not say your eating, it'll be your personality and what a nice person you are.

Is it you are scared of being better? cause EDs are auful but at least we know what we've got right? It gives us stability of sorts, and something to hold onto in a topsy turvy scary world?

As much as we would all love to we can't change the past hunni and I have done some truely cringe worthy stuff that whenever I think about I feel sick and burn inside, but I can't change it now, I can however change the future and make that better.

However much she screams and yells you the true Becki the unED Becki is in there somewhere just waiting to pop out and enjoy the world again.

lol complate nightmare.

Appointments improve and then they get weird again. Had family therapy yesterday which is now done with a team of five, one of which told us yesterday that she was the first family therapist we had when I was nine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Scary of what? Espashally as we'd sl*gged her off in a previos session.

Well thanking you (about the judge of charictor)

I'm going to have to go now cause my spelling is poop tonight I've spent ages correcting ones I can work out how to spell, the rest oh well should give you a laugh or a headache I'm not sure which.

I hope things are okayish for you keep fighting you are worth it.

Mischief

Hey,

Sorry I haven't been very quick at replying, I've been sort of..... trying to keep afloat in a whirlpool of deadly rapids with huge rocks falling in around my head..... yeap, I think that pretty much sums it up really.

I won't run on tonight, I will keep it brief.

How are you doing? Did the family appointment go ok though? The person who I saw when I was 7 was a nightmare, I hate her! If I ever saw her again, I think there may be a fight as I may just tell her exactly what I think of her. Hm. I would be blacklisted forever!!

Thank you for all of the lovely things that you have said, it is very kind of you, but I am sure if you knew the real me, you would probably think differently!! There are the people who know what is going on - and to be truthful that's a teacher and a psychologist to be honest - the *full* story anyway. Mum and dad know MOST of it, and then 1 friend knows quite a bit. I kind of shut everyone out though, and I still do it.

I want people so much, but I KNOW that I push them away and I still do it!! 'Are you ok' 'Yeah' 'What's up' 'Nothing'...... I WANT someone to actually see that I am so NOT ok, rather than me telling them. I want someone to give me a hug because they know that I NEED one rather than me asking for one. I want someone to SEE me..... I want to be seen and I want to be heard!!!!!!  Please. I am falling, and I know I am, and I am falling and falling and falling and falling and no one is standing there with a safety net! Everyone has left me. All the people who were standing beneath me with the net have walked away one by one, because *I* have pushed them away. It's not their fault at all, it's because I don't say things and it is because I push them away.

Sorry, I said I wasn't going to run on, and so I shall now stop.

How are things with you? How is your mum doing?

Take care of yourself and I hope that you are feeling a little better now and a little more coherant! (I understood your message perfectly and it didn't give me a headache, and I didn't laugh either.)

Lots of love me. xxxxx

Hyia

No problems you shouldn't have to say sorry for taking a while to reply....espeshally as I take way longer.

I love your deadly rapids that sounds exsactly as it is here as well. I've been saying it's like treading water, with loads of boats sailing past and sharks underneith.

The appointment went okayish, at the time. Actually I have told a couple of people what I've really thought of them and I haven't been blacklisted yet! It is very theraputic! lol.

This is proberbly going to be really infureateting (or however the hell you spell it) but I refuses to beleive that even if I knew the real you as you put it I wouldn't say those nice things that are so hard to hear like you are worth more than this and you decerve to eat and be happy. That is the ED talking saying that you are horrible and I'm not going to listen to it you are a nice person and you are worth soooo much more then this ED is ever going to give you.

I'm sure you already know this but again it's yourED shutting people out, try not ot let it. You decerve to have fun and your friends will want to see the real Becki and hang around with her, also your perents will want to help but they proberbly don't know what to do for the best so they sit back a bit to avoid confentation with the little thing in your brain not you.

I know it's such a good feeling when someone gives you a hug because you need one not because you asked but the ones that are asked for are still very nice. People proberbly can see that your not okay they proberbly just don't know what to do for the best so they just watch feeling as trapped as you.

The ED not you pushes them away but they aren't really gone anyone who is a real friend or who cares for you will still be there you just can't see them at the moment. Try trusting that they are there cause they will likely be ready for you when you decide to go to them.

No probs about going on better out then in or whatever it is.

Things are a bit sucky here as well. Parents are doing my head in, doyou ever feel like your the adult? It's like let me be a kid HELLO anyone there! lol but hey it's helping my negotioation. Mam is miserable she's haveing one of those I want ot be doing things but I can't cause I'm ill times. I hate it cause theres nothing I can do.

I've really tried this past week with food and then realised that I've been running around more hum me thinks thats not how it's surpossed to work! lol anyhoo yeh theres a load moe going on that I really can't get my head round at the minute, I just want to scream or run running sounds good!

I had to go through the last post before I posted it so you could make sense of it, I've had to do that again today, it really comes up with some intresting results to say the least.

Take care I really hope things are picking up for you. You are worth more.

Mischief

Ok, here is my huge attempt to write and make sense. Well.

Really pleased you have been trying hard with your food - that's great! It is probably also the more you do, they more you will feel hungry and also want to eat, and the more you eat and feel hungry, the more you will want to do!! They tend to work together, but it's just a case of keeping an eye on the amount of 'running around' you do in comparison with the food intake, but you should be proud of yourself by the sounds of it.

If you want to talk about the other stuff that is going on in your head, feel free.

Sorry to hear that your mum is on a downer, I hope she is coming up a little now, as it's been over a week since you posted. (SO sorry I took so long, went away last week and have been useless, so thought I better do it now otherwise you would have thought I'd disappeared.) I know it must be hard for you to watch your mum feeling that way and not being able to actually change that for her, but I'm sure having you there is very important and special to her. Maybe you could find little things that you can both do, might help you and it might help her too.

The whole adult/child thing...... Yes. It's like sometimes, I want to scream at them - I may be 18, but you are my mum and dad! If you know what I mean? Sometimes I seem to be the one who is, like, making sure things are ok, but then I get told off alot because 'I am not the parent' which I have to say, really annoys me. Lots.

Thanks for the things that you said in your last post. Things have been bad. Last week was great - of course all the stuff was still there, but I really enjoyed a week a way, it was nice.

Before we went away, and now we are home, I just feel unsafe. I, I just feel totally out of control. Totally and completely. I don't, I can't do any of this anymore. My mood is crazy, my mind is scaring me, I feel numb, empty. I'm eating, but I'm not hungry and I'm disgusted with myself. I, it's, I'm just. Words don't seem to flow when I feel like this. They stop, start, stop and start. Being pulled into an ocean of mess, dragging me, holding me. Yet, there is so much more than just this ED. The ED is the safest part of me right now. It is the part that doesn't matter right now. Everything is different now. I want to be thin. But that's just how I am. That's just me.

This is all so crazy. I need someone to stop me - not just the ED stuff, the other stuff. Stop me, please someone stop me. I'm not safe anymore. Why can no one hear me. Why is no one stopping me. If it was so wrong they'd stop me. If I didn't deserve it, they'd stop me. That means it is right. That means that I do deserve it. I deserve everything that gets thrown at me. Useless. Why is no one catching me? I'm falling so fast. They just see the food. They just see what they want to. They just know my weight is lower than it should be medically. They don't see the fat. They don't see the scramble that is my mind. They don't see the hurting. They don't see the marking. They don't see anything other than what is obvious. Why won't they see? Losing it, completely. I tried to tell them. I try. It's brushed over. I did try. I'm falling. Why won't anyone catch me. I can't do this.

x

Hyia

Sorry it's took me aaaagggggggeeeeeessssss to reply, my heads all a mess and I can barley think straight! but really thats no excuss.

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! My brain seriously won't work. I want to do a lovely reply to you cause it sounds like things are really hard for you at the mo but I can't think straight.

I am glad you enjoyed your holiday I find them ssssoooooooooooo abxiety prevoking but once I'm away I really relax.

I am so so so sorry I'm going to have to stop now. I will try again later, ARGH this is so pathetic!!!!

Sorry

Mischief

Hi ........ again

I sssoooooooo know what you mean, somethimes I think like that. Why are the pros stopping me or my mam or anyone? Surly if I was really as bad as everyone says they would do something right? I think it's partly their criteria that they never do anything unless your at deaths door like hello thats a bit late isn't it! but anyway and parents and friends I think are too scared and don't know enough to help and they don't want to make things worse.....even though if your anything like me you don't beleive anything could be worse.

I feel like that totally as well that I must be ment to be like this as no one seems to want to help no one tells me what to do or stops me. Sometimes if I step back from myself I can see that they do want to and they do tell me but the voice drowens them out but ofcourse thats only once in a blue moon and the pros never seem to help.

I do think aLOT of people just see the ED as the food even the pros some times, it's like if your eating andarn't loosing too much weight they don't bother even if your bmi is shit. If your aren't about to have a heart attack of something else they don't really bother and your stood there screaming HELLO HELP ME!

Hunni I've been telling some of the people involved in my care how bad things are for aaaaaagggggggggeeeeeeessssssssss yet they still don't seem to listen. I don't know what to surgest it really sucks sometimes they can be so blind.

Last little note. Hunni beleive it or not you can do this! Deep down inside you can fight this it takes a hell of a lot of fight but you CAN win.

Hopefully a bit more later

Mischief

I thought I had replied to this, but it would seem that I didn't, and so I shall reply now - I seriously thought I had replied....

My mood has picked up a little - had to put my meds up - I was so scared. I felt SO SO low, that I was scared, properly scared. I felt so unsafe. I still don't feel 'safe' as such, far from it, however I do feel slightly better than what I did. Yeah, I don't think friends and family are aware of what to say, so sometimes think it is better by not saying anything at all - however, I find that this is usually the opposite of what I really need. I have kind of told the people that I see that they really need to just be sort of 'telling me' what I need, because right now I can't sort things through in my head? If you know what I mean? I need someone to lift me, and carry me for a little bit??

You don't deserve to be like this though, and I am telling you that. Sometimes, I think the pros don't want to say somethings in the fear that they will make it worse, but sometimes I just want someone to say something, and I just wish they would? If you know what I mean, like I'l ask a question, and I know the answer that I want.... and when I don't get it, I feel rubbish!? It's like, sometimes I want to be made to eat, but I can't say that, because I'm scared of that, and I'm scared of gaining? Do you know what I mean? I want all decisions to be made for me, because I just can't make them at the moment, because I can't make my head work in ways that would be of any use.

Yeah, I agree! Like, medically my BMI is *, but I don't think that that's true, obviously, but at one point my BMI was dangerously low - and they did mention hospital, but I said no, and so I wasn't made too.... but looking back - Medically - with a BMI that low..... it was dangerous! Although, my BMI is still under anything healthy, I don't see that I look as though I am under what I should be? Am I making any sense at all?

I don't want to go to Hospital at all - although, sometimes I wish someone would just make me - but, I know of someone who has a much, much higher BMI than me, yet she is in Hospital? I think it depends on a number of factors, but I sometimes wonder if some people sort of don't get picked up on as much. I also think when it doesn't fit strictly into their criterea, they don't really know what to do? Like you said.

As for telling them how bad things are - well, I really, really opened up and told them exactly how bad things were - and things have managed to improved a little, but it's just soooo hard.

I'm really sorry to hear that your head is so confuzzled and you were finding it hard to write, are you ok? It's not pathetic at all!

How are things with you? How's your mum doing?

Take care, and I really hope that you are doing ok. xxxxxxx

Hyia

I am so so so so so so sorry I haven't replyed sooner. Naughty Mischief. Things are just a little bit crazy here. I can bearly think.

I'm going to be selfish and start with me then I'll move onto your replys if thats okay Awful I know, but I fel I must exsplain.

It's just apointment after apoinement here on the two days I'm not at college there are often two appointments a day.

I had my review the other week ggggggrrrrrrrrrr aarrrrrrrggggggg.

Anyhoo so yeah

Oh the best one was the people we saw before adult servaces were apparently trying to get rid of me for two years. We only been with them for that long!

ARG it's doing my head in I don't feel like I belong anywere at the moment on top of that some people are daubting another diagnosis but not saying it to our faces which hasd sent mam into a compleate downer understanderbly so as she had to fight to get it.

On the up side I may be geting a new step mam. I wish i could convey my sarcasum there. My dad is being a pain in the bum.

Oh yeah and in all that I had a birthday boo hiss.

And then there exam prep on a course that the tutor hasn't taught before so we had a last minute oral exam bit to do on tuesday morning that the class found out about on Monday afternoon

Last but not least the fridge freezer broke huge pain in the bum.

The criteria for an ED is stupid they let adults get to lower weights then teens because they are surpossed to be able to make their own desitions or something or their harder to section the whole things dum.

Honestly hun I feel exsactly the same way that I'm ment to be like this I deserve it and that everyone would be better off without me. It's hard but we both need to keep telling ourselves that thats not true that there is something better out there a bigger purpose we just haven't found out what yet and we are blinded by the ED.

I totally agree with the help me bit but they won't because your not in like iminate danger. It's so sad that they seem to need your weight to decide that your not happy. It's like you can tell them till you loose your voice how bad things are but until that number slides they don't beleive you. Idiots!

Crap I've just realised I've been replying to my own post no wonder it sounded so familiar! and I'm calling them idiots hum?!

Lets try again

I do know what you mean about the wanting to be made ot eat and fear of gaining. I get this too sometimes I think I would be alright if I was at the right weight and I didn't have to put on. The answer to the being made to eat one you don't hunni cause that takes all the contol away from you and you are the one who needs to find the inner strenght (which is there) to fight it.

I wish all my desitions were made for me I am so scared of getting something wrong and failing but I don't know what I'm going to fail at.

I think your making sense. Lets see if this makes sense then.

I don't feel I look underweight even though my bmi is but then I think the thing is it depends on your bild and all sorts cause some people would look really obveous whereas I don't think others do in the same way but I think it's also that we have slight worped views on sizes so it's hard to tell really.

Your right it does depend on a lot of things. Here a silly bit of info for you when I lived in lets call it giugu they woudn't act because I wouldn't like being on bed rest (I'm hyper even when I'm not ill) yet as soon as I moved to flibberdygibbit I was put oin hospital imedeatly with only one look at me. So it just depends on different people.

I also wasn't treated because I wasn't anerexic like HELLO aren't your lot surpossed to help ANYONE who needs it?

HUGE well done you for telling them how bad things are you've just got to keep on at them and if things don't improve look for help in other places.

Do not give up you deserve better! TRUTH

Sorry about my rant bad day but I felt you needed a proper exsplanation.

Take care I hope so much that things are better with you.

Mischief