stacey xxxxx

Hellow sweetheart!

Oh god i've missed talking to you! And im so so sorry to hear what you've been going through.

Pelvic infection doesnt sound too nice at all :/ im glad your getting better now though. Make sure you rest though. Get the rest you need or you'll be in worse pain thatn when you started!

I'm doing allright thanks. Things just the same as usual, doing okay, then struggling. Weight still hovering around the same. But im just exhausted. I'm always tored, but for the last few days i feel almost dead! i phoned in sick to work today cos i just couldnt go.

My christmas was lovely, best in a long long time. New year was great too, went and stayed with a friend which was nice. But january started off on a bad note, went completely backwards, everything got bad, weight dropped, but i've come back and im doing allright now.

Hmm exams were s*** aswell, as i was not in a good frame of mind at all. I cried the whole way through 1 of them and i have no idea why! Theres no point in it bringing you down.nothing you can do about it now.

Hows the uni application going? i've had all my offers back, and it's a choice between 2.  i went to one open day yesterday and i loved that uni, it's a little further aswell whch means i have more chance of living away so i think that will be my first choice.

i've not had the internet for about 2 weeks anyway cos we changed provider, so sorry i havent replied sooner.

I get discharged in less than 5 months cos i'll be 18cant wait.. Are you still getting no help at all babe?

gimme an update on you now lovely.

miss you!

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ahhh....feeling pretty terrible atm...

got a bit of drama ....i needed to have antibiotics by injection because obviously i make myself sick and tablets weren't going to work but i didn't tell my parents coz they don't know i'm doing that atm so i told school thinking it wouldn't get back to them, but meaning they wouldn't be asking where i was all the time. anyway had a really bad wkend and went away for a few days, just to a hotel in the middle of no where, missed a bit of school, school knowing that hospital was a possibility if my treatment wasn't working presumed i was there, rang my parents to ask how i was and how long i would be off for. my parents had no idea it was that bad and didn't have a clue what they were talking about. so the conversation ended with me looking as if i had lied. my parents then later asked me what was going on, i told them and in turn had to tell them i was making myself sick. in a way that is good but they aren't taking it seriously, they think i am doing it because i am stressed by exams which aren't til june. grrr. and now school think i am some psychopathic liar - really looking forward to seeing my head of year and explaining this all to her.  

 sorry that went on a bit but i just feel so rubbish and that really hasn't helped me. ahhhh. you know when you just want to scream, i have already gone through the cyring stage...my emotions are jsut everywhere.

don't feel bad...it is ok to have a break...it might do you some good. if you are feeling pretty run down you aren't going to achieve anything...take it easy hun.

well i am glad you have managed to overcome the down part, well done....just pick yourself up after a fall and you will get through this. there are always people around you to help, don't be afraid to ask for some support.

don't dwell on your exams, you never know they could have gone really well. try forget about them until results, then you can work from there if you need to.

uni is stressing me out tbh...i still haven't heard from two and they are the ones i really want. this waiting game is killing me and probably isn't helping me with my mood.

well done on all your offers babe....you should be really proud of yourself. you have got your whole life ahead of you.

sweetie, should you be thinking about getting discharged? do you not want to focus on getting better? especially if your treatment will end then....

hows school? how you finding work atm?

what is going on with you and your life?

i hope you are ok and taking care of yourself.. always here if you need me. sorry this has been a bit of a depressing post and most probably no use to you....

lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Omg! ever since i started writing to you on here, i've never read a post where you sound so down. I'm so so sorry sweety. Tell me how i can help pick you up? I hate seeing/hearing peopel suffer, and that is whats happening to you.

I know it's taken me ages to reply and i'm sorry, but i've been a bit screwed lately too. Just a question...you went away for a few days...did you go on your own?  Please don't wprry about your school, they WONT think your a psychopathic liar at all. And who are they to judge? Exactly, they wont judge you babe.

Well it is good your parents know but not good they think it's cos of your ecams. They are ages away and you cant go round like this for another 4 months, Please hun, you have to look after yourself.

"you know when you just want to scream, i have already gone through the cyring stage...my emotions are jsut everywhere."

Yep i know that stage...my advice, go for it and scream the whole house down. Why not? And it does actually help.

Hun i know people who applied at the very beggining and still havent had offers, and like you they are the unis that they really want to go to. I had a mock interview before and the woman told me it will take longer to reply if that uni has more applicants, if that makes any sense. Hold on in there hun, they will let you know, they have to, just hold on tight.

hun, never ever give up okay. You will get through this. You cant let it win, you deserve a life just like evrybody else. Your always saying how everybody deserves to be happy etc, then why shoulnd you? If you can give me one tidy answer then i'll shutup, but the answer is you DO deserve what everybody else does!

I'm always here for you babe, dont feel lonely, i know i take forever and im really sorry but i am always thinking of you. Tell me what i can do to help...please...

stay strong angel!

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Oh i'm sorry i worried you...i haven't been having a great time recently. things are slightly better, don't feel so depressed so you know...

my head of year (the one that thought i was lying) is an absolute ****- she spoke to my friends and told them i was lying about everything.

my parents i had to tell i was making myself sick but tbh it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of difference. they are a bit funny sometimes, like after i have eaten they ask where i am going and won't let me go. and they have been buying food that i like and will eat and making me meals but nothing out of the ordinary. think i might say to them i want to go bak to therapy and get another nutrionist. i can't seem to stop myself...it has become such a part of my life that everyone either ignores it or just allows it to happen and acts as if it is all normal. if you get me?

i am however depressed bcoz i crashed my car last week - don't worry, no-one was hurt, only my little car. it is in the garage being fixed but the insurance company are taking ages to authorise it so it is  taking ages to be fixed, already been a week and they are saying possibly another two. it sounds stupid but i actually feel lost without my car, like i have done nothing can't do anything. i am so bored!!! grrr.

have you had half term yet? if you have what did you get up to?

also speaking of my car, what is happening with your driving? what about cars?

you wil be pleased i got my offer from exeter so that has cheered me up a bit, now just waiting on warwick. which i thought was my 1st choice but i just don't know any more.

have u chosen both of ur unis yet? hav u sent off ur choices on ucas and started applying for accomodation yet?

thank you sooo much for your post, it meant so much to me, as always but you didn't need to be so supportive. i really don't know what i would do without you.

anyway you mentioned nothing about yourself missy, how are you? whats happening with you? ed wise? skl ok? life ok? happy-ish? treatment? come on, i need a full update pls....?

hope you are well, take care sweetie. always here for you,

lots of love, hugs and kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Hey sweety!

Omg i can't belive your head of year did that! they are supposed to be helpful, not make things worse!

Yeah i really do get you. And it's really sad that people ignore it because it's "normal" for you. At the end of the day and ed isn't "normal" for anybody. I hate that word! I think you should go back to therapy hun, even if it was just for a few sessions, it may really help you. And a neutritionist will be really helpfull to you aswell.

Oh gosh i dont blame you! I'd be depressed if i crashed too. Try and speed the insurance company up a little, ring them daily! It happened to my mam when an old guy went into her car, they took ageees, but when she kept on they soon sorted it. Tell them your phoning head office or something. I work in *  and i know how much managers s*** themselves when those words are mentioned haha!

Oh i told you i had my driving test on friday didn't i. Well...my dad came donw to take me out  in the monring, and i drive with him. Then my instructor picked me up  and i just had a lesson with him before my test. Well i was s*** scared all morning, and felt soo ill. Well i got there and i kept telling myslef not to worry it will all be over in an huor. So i got out of my car, walked to the entrance to find a guy standing there.  he said "im really sorry to tell you this but your examiners gone on strike". Well i b;ew it. I was fuming. Notonly had my test been cancelled they didnt even bother giving me a ring! How long would that take.  GRRRRRRRRRRRR1 i was not happy. So i rang them as soon as i got in to rearrange a test and they told me they'd get back to me and hung up. I was blowing smoke by this time! So i went online and looked to see if it was changed. Well kindly they had..to APRIL!!! Well i wasnt having that so i got an earlier date now. But not being funny, how disorganised!!!! friday was not a good day at all!

yeh i had half term, i did nothing all week exept for work. I had 3 days off from the friday we borke up to the monday we went back. One day i spent doing work all day, and the other 2 i just chilled. Did you get up to much?

aw well done! see i told you to wait. Good things come to those who wait you know.

Yep i have chosen two uni's. The one that i'm choosing for my first choice is based on

• lower grades than the other one that wud be my first
• further from home so HAVE to live there

Whatcha think of that? I'm deffinately living away. NOBODY will stop me. If i cant cope then tough s***, i'll be 18 and can do what the hell i like. Are you going to be living away?

hmm me. Well not much really. Things are looking up, but other things arent. School, i just really cant be bothered with anymore, im either shoping instead of being there or sleeping there. treatment, im being discharged in june as you know. Im not going into adult services, and i had a bad time in jan/feb and basically didt go to the unit for a month cos i kept cancelling my appts. But then they chased my mother down and i ended up going. I told them im not coming weekly anymore cos i'll be leaving in 4 months anyway. Thet said that was not really good, but it has to be.

Hmm food, well im not sure if you know how restricted i was with my food. I'd literally eat the same thing for brekfast, lunch, dinner and supper every single day, and that went on for over a year. Well it was only last week actually i managed to change my main meal. Cos what i have isn't that much cals wise it's hard to find something to replace it that fits cal wise and that im comfortable with but i did it. And im glad i did too.

My weight is steady, still underweight (according to them), but not too near the danger zone. They told me the other week they will put the pressure off gaining weight for a while cos they know how much it gets to me as long as i can maintain. But things went terrible wrong, i moved out, went to stay with a friend (i thought id kill myself if i stayed here) and i just couldnt eat at hers, so now ive loat weight.

ermm...work...doing too much of it. im working between 20-25 hours a week, and in school aswell. and it's killing me if im honest, but i have to work to pay for my car, and also i cant imagine not working, gets me away from the family.

but on the whole im fine. i can see thing are deffinately different to how i was at my worst, and thats something., but also because im being discharged anyway i have no motivation, not even uni anymore cos im going there no matter who says no!

so yeh thats me. mow how are you feelinng lovely? hope yur allright? heard anything about the car? hows school? when do your exams start? and ed hows that?

really hope your okay sweety, never give up!

lots of loveeeeeeeeeee

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Sorry for the late reply...lappy has broken so waiting for a new one. Using the skl ones atm so sorry if this is a bit short...

Oh no tht is soo annoying abot your driving test, i don't blame you for being annoyed.

I got my car bak yay...that cheered me up but then my exam result bought me back down again. Didn't do great but thankfully it is only one exam so i can retake....But still i know now that i have to work my bum off. I hate skl though....and i swear most my lessons get cancelled anyway. Take last week for example, i had 6 lessons the entire week and seeing as the lower years have 5 lessons a day it seems slightly ridiculous. I am going to fail my exams....sorry, its stressing me out. I really need to get 3 A's and it just isn't happening at the moment. And like you i still have no motivation, even though i need to get it, i just can't be bothered.

How were your results?

Aww babe, how come you couldn't be at home and had to move out? Have you managed to put any weight back on since losing it all?

When is your new driving test for? Bet you can't wait.

Be careful abot doing all this work, you don't want to be overdoing it lovely. I just quit mine, i hate it at the moment, my manager is being an absolute b*tch, and i don't really get on with ppl there anymore coz all my old friends have left. need to find a new one now, closer to home as well.

how are things with your family atm?

You okay?

Let me know what you have been up to and everything? You know where i am....Take care of yourself,

lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hellow there babe!

well it was really annoying about my test....but i did it 5 days later and passed :D only had 2 minors aswell! I'm loving driving so much, i've spent almost £200 on petrol in 2 weeks :/ ah well i love it!

Aww im sorry your exam results brought you down. they do say after and up theres always a down (or something similar lol) and i agree with that!

Omg that's terrible only having 6 lessons! someone should complain. you wont fail your exams hun, i know it and so do you too! you have the brains.

Schools a drag for me too, now i've passed my test i'm actually never there! im either going home, not going in, or just shoping instead, which is quite worrying as my exams are coming closer!  in fact my first one is the 21st of April!

My results were mixed...went from a D in one psychol paper to an A, which i was really impressed about. went up 10 marks in 1 RE paper and down 3 in another lol. And my ICT which i didnt revise for, and the morning before the exam me and the girls decided to go shopping which made me 10 mins late for the exam (was sooo funny) and okay i went down but only by 3 marks haha. So i was overall pleased with them, know i could have done better, but if i didnt work for them what can i expect lol.

Do u know which uni u want yo go to yet? have u had all your offers back?

well i didnt have to move out, not like my parents told me to, put i felt like i just couldnt stay here. they were driving me nuts! and im glad i moved out, i came back about 3 days later though (run out of clothes lol).

umm well i have managed to gain back what i lost, but still not where the unit wants me. I'm still "underweight" according to BMI, but not dangerously anymore, and cos they know how much pressure i feel from them telling me to gain weight, then cos they say it mam puts pressure on me they told me they'll lay off a little But only on the condition that i dont lose anything, not ever a tincy bit! But that's scaring me just as much. I'm getting discharged end of june anyway cos i'll be 18 :D so i've only got untill then to do what they tell me to with my weight, then after that it's up to me.

Awww that suck you left your job. But if you werent enjoying it there's no point being there. I'm seriously concidering quitting  cos i hate it there soooo much. I love the people but hate the job. And it's dragging me down. I phoned in sick for the first time in 6 months last week cos i really didnt want to go! but just gotta mke sure i can afford to pay for my car if i do quit, i can always get overtime in * though so i should be okay :)

family...bleugh! It's a mess. Not spoken to my step-dad in almost 2 months...but not too bothered, everytime we do get on, it's a waiting game for when we dont (if that makes sense) so i''d rathe it like this. Mam can't look or speak to me tidy, and keeps reminding me how much damage i've done to this family. But hey ho i'm moving out in september...and i hardly have to see them again. how are things with your family? better than mine i hope.

When are your exams starting and finishing? my last is days before my 18th :) when are you 18 un? sorry if you've told e before, something tells me july, but something else tells me your older than me lol. seriously i have a memory of a 70 year old!

sorry it's taken so long for me to reply, but i've been working my a*** off trying to get money together, and im still skint cos it all goes on my car :/

Also been having hectic weekends too...work friday night, saturday day, been going out to town sat nights, and then working all day sunday. The other weekend i went out sat and sun night, monday i was dying!

so how are you then hunni. i feel like this has been a very selfish post, update me on you please. hows things ed wise? b/f still okay? how are you feeling in urself?

take care hunni, always here for you!

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hey gorgeous,

wow, that was one of the most positive upbeat posts i think i hav ever had from you. it is sooo good to hear you like this, i am so proud of you. i really wish you didn't have to go through all of this.

YAY. well done on passing, i knew you could do it. You are exactly like me, i am always out in my car - petrol costs a ridiculous amount. Luckily my parents are putting money towards it....lets hope that continues (fingers crossed).

haha, i know i am never at skl apart from when they ring my parents - which happens all the time. lol.

omg, your exam is sooo early. mine don't start til 4th june and then finish on the 16th. not a great timetable but nothing i can do abot it. whens ur last one?

well done for your exams, sounds like you did well hun.

had all my offers back, i have 2 unis i like; but i can't work out what to put as my firm or insurance. i would put XX but it wants 3 AAA's so not sure if i will manage to get that or not...XXXX t on the other hand is ABB so i will definitely get that but i would prefer to go to XXX  but i don't want it to come to it i don't get the grades then have to go to XXXwithout decent accomodation. ahhh - decisions.

have you replied to your offers yet?

could you not try get another job if you don't like it there? i am having mixed emotions abot leaving my job...good as it means i dn't have to work, or put up with older foriegn people. but bad as it is change and i don't like change, grrrr.

things with my family are ok thanks apart from them ignoring the fact that i hav an ed... i'm sorry to hear things with your family aren't great, try not push them out hun.

you were correct, 18 in july...the 5th....ages away. haha. it is pain coz i always have to borow other ppls id and things, do you have that problem. what date is your birthday?

god you are busy atm....i am pleased for you though, sounds as if you are enoying it. and you seem to be socialising a lot more, how are things with friends?

how was your easter?

mine was pretty rubbish, first off i hate easter and all the XXX anyway but more importnatly i have been ill...had food poisoning or a bug or something. so i have just been throwing up and feeling manky.....and i can see that it is not going to help ed but hey ho.

boyfriend is really good thank you, i honestly do not know what i would do without him. anything happening with men on your side?

slightly stressed by the amount of work i have got to do and exams are looming so not wonderful...i am just always busy. last week i did not stop - birthdays, parties, work, skl, coursework, essays, shopping 4 friends bday presents, babysitting, seeing bf....not that i am complaining coz it is better than sitting around doing nothing. lol.

what are you doing for the easter holidays?

anyway my love i have got to go, going to look around kent uni today so must get ready.

always here for you, look after yourself,

lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx