Getting Help !

Hi Lauren,

I haven't spoken to you before but think I've probably had an ED for 6 years...on and off and can relate to the terrifying nature of getting help.  To be honest if it was left to me I'd probably still have not but my friend has continually gently encouraged, supported and pushed me (in a good way) towards getting help.

ANyway you didn't ask about me, you asked about the letter!!...I wrote letter in surgery when going to see GP and literally wrote why I was there ...at the time it was cos my friend was worried about my eating....and explained some of the symptoms I was getting ie feeling cold whole time, feeling so guilty when eating and others.  I finished letter just by saying I'm not sure what to do but don't know if I can continue where I was at the time as it was upsetting my friend a lot.

He then kinda used the letter to ask questions and seeing as there would have been no way I'd have said all that in words verbally - he found it useful to sort of get a little idea of where I was at.

It's terrifying going, completely normal needing encouragement/a push to go...have you a friend that could go with you? I didn't make my appointment, my friend did that too.

But....soo essential to get help and it will so be worth it.

Am here if I can help in anyway hun

 Laura xxxx

hi laura,

thanks for the reply!! how are u ?

yeh my friend wants me to go and get help she cant understand why i dont want to get help. I spoke to the NHS Direct the other day cos of some of the symptoms of the pills ive been taking. They said they were really concerned and got the emergency doctor in my area to ring me up. That quite nerve racking and the doctor wasnt the most helpful at the start but when she realised what was going on she was a lot nicer. She said i didnt have to go to the emergency doctors that night but she faxed my gp and told her what was going on and told me to make an appointment this morning but i havent, im too scared ! :S

im worried now cos my doctor knows and it was against my will and i dont want her to ring home or anything and tell my mum so i think i will have to get in contact with them before they try and get hold of me and my mum ends up finding out :S im actually regretting ringing the NHS direct now :(

how are u anyway ? and what happened when u went to the doctors if you dont mind me asking?

love

lauren xxx

Hey hun :)

Good to hear your reply though all sounds very difficult.  I'm getting by thanks..just super tired from work.  I'm glad to hear your friend is encouraging you to go to the GP and well done you for ringing NHS direct cos of your symptoms...why were they so worried...? did they say? When did you ring them? I'm glad they didn't force you to go to emergency dr that night but I think they are right to be encouraging you to see your GP - did she fax with your consent? And did she know ur mum doesn't kno?

If the contact number they have is urs, not a landline maybe, i think the risk of your mum finding out will be much less  and they'll generally only phone if your life is at risk or other lives are at risk which it doesn't sound like they are though I don't know the full story. 

I think if your friend could ring GP for you - that'll help her to realise how difficult things are for you to do or maybe even write your friend a letter explaining where you're at and what would help u or what if anything is unhelpful.  I think the good thing is ur gp knows so he / she can ask u things based on what they've been faxed rather than starting from scratch.

Yeah of course you can ask - so went to 1 gp who I found quite scary so ended up having bloods done /weight then i went back to get some blood results but booked to see different gp and so explained bit bout what was going on and he looked at previous appointment notes.  I then got booked in to see counsellor but again didn't find it helpful tho didn't stick at it i must confess :( and then got referred to psychiatrist who i saw and who has referred me on to an eating disorder clinic who i am waiting to see :S  It's a long road and one involving sometimes going over what's going on a number of times which I have found so hard BUT I'm so tired of fighting my ED, it's so hard seeing my friend so affected by me being ill and I don't kno who I am anymore..the old me has gone completely and I miss the laughing, happy, smiley, less tired, warm, sociable me so I am sure that going over the same thing with a few different professionals is worth it if it'll help me get better.....

anyways sorry that's a long post but hope it is maybe of some help

love laura xxxx

hey

thanks for the reply! :)

i was fainting and feeling weak and dizzy, and needing to wee like every hour so they thought i was dehyrdated and i was getting bad pains in my stomach and back which may be kidney damage

and they didnt fax with consent i said i didnt want them to do but she said she would be a bad doctor if she didnt tell my gp and that she should know. They have my home landline as a contact number but i dont live at home so im just worried now that they might ring home, even if they dont tell herwhats wrong, she will ask why the doctor wants to see me cos that obv doesnt happen often :S

i think its just a matter of time before i go to my gp, ive just got to try and find some drive and motivation within me to want t get better first

thank for telling me how u went on it really helped! where u up to now with recovery and getting support etc. ?

Love

lauren xxx

Hey :)

Thanks for replying too!

Seems a bit strange if u were weeing so much, they thought u were dehydrated - possible infection...but hey. maybe if u were weeing that much, they thought u were getting dehydrated and quite possibly causing those symptoms...more of a weeing causing the dehydration rather than dehydration causing weeing! anyways sorry, that's my medical bit done!!

U had any bloods taken? It is true that it is her responsibility to tell ur gp really, ideally with consent but if it's for ur life/safety they will need to share stuff. But...they shouldn't ring home cos it's now up to u to book an appointment I guess.  Have you heard anything?

Please just bear in mind that if its drive u are waiting for to go to GP, it may not happen...I don't mean that to sound demotivating..I just know I waited so long thinking either I could get better on my own / there was actually no prob and I could go to GP but always backed out.  Took friend booking appointment for me to go and her coming with me but think motivation to get better is essential and something I'm still really really struggling with if I'm honest.  Hope u get some motivation soon - maybe make a list of all u could do when ur better that u can't do now cos of the ED.

Recovery -hmmmm not started really.  Went to GP Dec 2010, now awaiting OP ED clinic appointment which is end of May...to be fair they could have seen me before but they stuggest taking a friend and we work shifts so finding a free time for both was really hard. Guess we wait until then in order to see if they think i have prob...and see what if anything they suggest/can do.

Keep in touch if u want/need to talk/have more questions....or if I can help in any way

love laura x x x

hey laura :)

thanks for the reply...

Im feeling less down at the moment which is a positive but getting a bit more worried about what these pills are doing so me- . i jst feel like i cant ring up the nhs direct again cos of what happened last time :S im torn now of whereto go next

i think ur right about the motivation to see the doctor though, fo 4 yrs since ive had an ed ive thought about going but never managed to do it--i just feel like im letting people down who are telling me to go to my gp when i say i will try and just dont so im not gonna promise anything anymore,,,

thats great that ur close to seeing someone, quite a wait though !! how are thing are you coping with ur ed ? have you told your parents? and are you at college/uni or anything?

i was thinking about telling my teachers at collegebut things got difficult when i tried so i ended up backing out- story of mylife "! now i just think ive only got about 4 wks left so it probably isnt worth it

love

lauren xx

Hey,

I'm glad you are feeling less down.

Are you feeling worse on them? Maybe that's another reason to go to GP sooner rather than later....to ask about the tablets?

It did feel like I was also letting friend down when kept going around in circles about not needing to go to GP and still do at times but trying to stop my head going around and around as much and try to believe what my friend says and know that I can't believe myself anymore. :(

ED is hard...really hard.  It's such a daily battle...I'm sick of thinking of food on waking, every min of being awake, on trying to get to sleep, sometimes even between my sleep times....it's horrid.  Feeling so guilty eating... seem to flip between restricting and binging :'(

Am 25 soon haha and no my parents don't know and I'm not telling them at the mo.  I don't think they would take it well and I can't cope with trying to explain why i haven't talked to them before...or reassure them all will be ok.  They are divorced but one would freak I imaine and the other I'm sure would  not keep it to herself which I'm not happy for.

I qualified as nurse in 2008 so was at uni, now not any more tho doing uni modules whilst working.  I think if you can, telling college would help as they can then support u bit more in the situations u come across / deal with at college on day to day basis...and just be that much more aware of what's going on for you outside of college.  What in specific got difficult?

Am thinking of you lots...please think about getting help soon.

Does anyone know what you're going through?

lotsa love

 xxxxx

hey,

yeh the tablets making me feel worse

i dunno why i wont stop though, i know they arent doing me any good and will probably cause me long term damage  also ive missed my period this month

my parents dont know either about my ed i dont think i could bear telling them, it would probably send my mum into a nervous breakdown she is already suffering from bad depression - my parents divorced too ---and i know i will be watched all the time if i told them i would never be left alone !!

i think im gonna wait before i tell anyone/ get help from my gp until ive done my a levels or at least finished college in 4 weeks, i just dont want things getting really hectic or unmanagable before my exams,

one teacher in particular was really supportive. only my 2 best friends and 1 of their mum knows, but thats it and idnt see any of them that often, who knows about ur ED?

anyway, enough about me, how are u? how u coping with ur ED atm? also hows work ? i cant imagine working as a nurse,

love

lauren xxxxx

hey lovely,

thanks for your message.  Sorry you're still feeling rough with the tablets.  I really really hope you can get to GP in a month, as soon as a-levels are over as you deserve help and to feel better and enjoy life again.

How many periods have you missed...you fairly regular normally? Sorry for the personal questions on the message boards...you're welcome to not answer obviously

Sorry to hear about your mum - think my dad's in a similar position..sometimes fine but a lot of the time very lonely and I'm sure he's down even though he hides it fairly well.

When did they get divorced? Hmm being watched eating is hard...especially as I always feel like I'm being judged even eating around people who don't know anything about my ED.

I'm glad that a few friends (and good friends) as well as one of their mums.  Are they supportive? When are your exams? Great that your teacher was supportive.  Hard you don't see those that do know often though.

I have about 3 close friends who know about  my ed who I've talked to about it....one lives near, 2 I now live fairly far from :( But...think others have noticed I don't eat normally though I haven't spoken to them about it, think they know something isn't right :(

I am alrighty thanks..fairly shattered...had a mix of days and nights at work so bit disorientated.  Had my birthday at the weekend which was very odd as was working nights but some closer friends/family remembered it which was nice.  Still flutating with ed...:(  ALso have a questionnaire..well 2...to fill in for my ed outpatient appointment which involves seriously looking at and thinking through how many days i've done various things like binged/restricted/struggled with image etc....guess it's just hard to think through

Work is variable...some days hard,. some days ok...I love my job , work on neonatal intensive care unit so emotionally hard alot of the time but I do enjoy it - just trying to work out training courses etc and next 2 year plan.

What are your alevels in? And are you managing to concentrate on revision?

thinking of you

love Laura xxx

I'm sorry to barge in here like this, because I'm really annoyed at the way you've been treated. I'm a new user btw and I signed up to reply to you Lauren.  You have the legal right to choose what gets done with the information. You can even call them up anonymously which I didn't know at first,

Just call up again and make sure to say "I don't want my doctor to know i'm calling" .  You can also see out of hours without your doctor knowing, I did that once. But if s/he works there sometimes there is a slim change you might bump into them there

They can't call your parents for no reason and tell them when they call not to say who they are. . If they breach your privacy then all I can do is suggest you report them. This sort of thing happened to me a few times and now I take an extremely hard line . Hope this helps. Although having said that, I'm not really too sure why you phoned up NHS if you didn't want treatment? It's the opposite for me. .   They should have asked you on the call what number to call back on.

Hey Laura, I'm gonna try to go to my gp after my exams cos I'm struggling with slimming pills :s Erm I came on the other day but it was only for 2 days so dunno if that is classed as a period or Not but it was really late and painful and I'm always on time and hardly ever in pain so That was quite weird My parents have been divorced since I was 4 but they make digs at each other through me Which is hard to deal with and I feel at arms Length from both of them as they both seem more concerned with my siblings. My mum will do anything for my sister and my dad has had too other children in his second marriage so I suppose I just feel quite pushed out really When did ur parents divorce? It's good that u have supportive friends who Give u a push to get better, I'm only jus opening Up to my friends about my Ed and talking More about it an I feel a lot better when I do. Beat moderators cut a lot of my last message, but basically My teacher was supportive when I moved out of Home but I think she knows about my Ed and Has told my teachers and head of year at school So I don't feel as though i can speak to her now. Happy birthday for last week! The questionair must Be difficult though but at least it means u don't have To answer the questions to her face to face Cos That probably would have been harder. Thats great that u love ur job at least it gives u Something to look forward to. I hate college and Starting back again on Tuesday after the easter Break and in dreading it. I don't feel like I have anything That I enjoy anymore though- I can't play Netball anymore, I don't enjoy spending time With my boyfriend I feel as though I can't just Relax anymore. I think Im feeling the strain of college A lot at the moment just because it's getting Close to the end. Revision is ok I suppose I'm Still Panicking though - as you do. It's good cos I'm usually on my own at home cos I live with my Auntie and she is always out so it's a good Working environment but I just feel so lonely All the time as though I have no one I feel as though I have no one I can just talk to, do u know what I mean? I just can wait To go to uni - I think I will be a lot happier then tbh Sorry to hear ur fluctuating in ur Ed :( hopefully Things will get better when u start getting help- it's not far From ur appointment now is it? How u feeling for it? Love Lauren xxx

Hey step11 I thought u were allowed to ring up the nhs Direct anonymous too. I wanted Some advice I rang nhs direct cos I'm on the verge if Wanting help but finding it difficult at the moment. I seem to find it ok to talk to people on the phone Or over the Internet like chat but I just can't face People in person I dunno why- it just scares me :s But yeh wanted some advice Cos I was having pains that I've never had that I was worried about So I think I just wanted reassurance that everything Was ok really but didn't get that and the reality Of it actually scared me a little - I dunno maybe That's a good thing. Did u call out of hours to see another doctor/ a nurse? It's not my particular doctor I don't like, shes Quite nice if I've remembered rightly I suppose It's just the going there and telling her and Finally admitting it, if that makes any sense? I don't think they have rang my mum about it (that's Down as my home number at the doctors so that's Where they would call if they were going to) so im glad about that . But I think I will have to go to my doctors soon About some spots on my back so someone who works at boots Said go to ur doctors for antibiotics but what if I Get there and she brings up my Ed and what the Other doctor has faxed her so I'm not sure what to Do yet- I'm torn !!!! Thanks for the advice though and thanks for Replying to my post - I must say I wasn't the most Impressed when she said she was getting in touch With my doctor. How are u anyway? Are u in recovery? Love lauren xxx

Hey Lauren, I'm really sorry this is seroiusly delayed in response to your reply.  Life got a bit mad what with work and uni module starting too.  Sorry tho :(

I'm glad to hear you've decided to go to GP after exams..when do they finish? I hope you still have to motivation after cos you sound like help could really support you and get recovery started for you lovely.  You still taking the tablets?

It's good you still get occasional periods tho sorry they were so painful :(  It is so hard to be in the middle of parents who want to make unneccessary comments at each other.  I am blessed in that my parents are still on reasonable talking terms wiith each other but initially after they divorced, there seemed to be few times when they wanted to find out something about the other/how they were etc and wanted updates from me..not quite the same as your situation but I still got to points when I wanted them to just ask each other!

I'm sorry they seem more concerned with siblings...how old is your sister? And dads kids? Do they know how you feel? I'm sure if they knew that is how you felt, they would assure u it was unintentional.  Difficult though.  Who do you live with?

My parents split up when I was about 17/18 and then actually divorced when I was about 18 1/2 I think ish....about 6 years ago now.  Supportive friends are a real blessing however I feel a real burden to them and SUCH a waste of space at the mo.

It takes a long time to start to open up - I only still generally talk about anything related to ED when friends prod me with questions.  Did you teacher say why she told other teachers and head of year? Do you feel like you can't trust her?

Thanks for the birthday wishes :)  I still haven't done the questionnaire but the appointment is Friday so guessing I'll have to do it soon :S Very true that hopefully I'll not have to answer the questions in person...although I imagine it'll be a base for her to bounce other questions from so will then just have to answer them.  But maybe less questions :) I hope.

Work has been so hard lately - very busy, lots of shifts in intensive care so I'm still fairly new in there so learning lots and concentration is fairly hard.  Still, it is a job I generally love so yeah it's incentive to keep trying to keep on.

How is college going? Hopefully soon over...what uni are you looking at? and to do what? It's so hard having nothing to enjoy anymore....guess that's the ED talking tho and it's impact on our lives :( It sucks :'(

Does your boyfriend know?

I do know what you mean with no one who seems to understand.  Even best friends with great intentions who give immense support can't always relate exactly to how someone with an ED feels...and even people within the general 'category' of 'ED's' obviously don't always feel the same.  Do you get on with your Aunt? I'm always here if you need to talk, offload etc.  If I don't reply instantly, I'm sorry but I check the website most days so will get your message and reply as soon as I can :) :)

What makes you think uni you'll be happier at?

Am terrified of appointment...mainly what they'll ask, how I'll be able to talk/answer/having friend discover potentially stuff she didn't know/what they'll expect from me there and afterwards, who they'll want to involve, the weight gain, the weigh ins etc etc.  Anyways hmmm had horrid few weeks really.  Had to try and get out of a friends birthday meal (friend who is a close friend who was down in the area I live for weekend) just cos of the fear of eating and socialising.  This life sucks so much...and I'm trying so hard to cling to friends and Gods words of there is hope... :S

Take care huni...love and huge hugs

you know where I am

 xxxxxx

hiiii how are you ? sorry for the late reply too, i havent been on the message boards much recently, tried to be on chat a bit but not even been on that much had so much revision to do its getting crazy !! Before I answer your questions I have to ask how the appointment went ??? I wanna know everything ( that is if you wanna tell me ) my exams start in 2 weeks which is so nerve racking- im trying to calm myself as much as possible but as im revising and controlling and structuring my day more cos of revision it seems to be restricting and exercising which isnt great. My mood has improved though cos ive finished college now so thats good, i dont feel any pressure there from teachers knowing and other pupils catching on which is nice cos that was getting stressful everyday as i was feeling watched. I think im going to go to my doctors after my holiday which is a day after my last exam, so it will be like 4 weeks from now if i do go --- im still so nervous. Im speaking to a counsellor online though who is really nice and supportive and trying to push me in the right direction. I have also managed to open up to my boyfriend which was easier than i thought. I told him what was going on and why i was unhappy and a bit isolated, then he asked loads of questions but nothing has changed between us and i feel he understands everything a bit more now which is nice cos i dont feel i have to hide/ lie to him. So im managing to open up a bit more to people which i suppose is good but exercising is getting worse :S but i have reduced the tablets so thats a start i suppose. I live with my auntie as dont get along with my mum particularly well... my sister and dads kids are younger so im kind of relied on quite a lot to sort myself out. The counsellor said it sounds like i have had a lot of troubles in my childhood with bullying and my relationship with dad and mums depression and sounds like i have had to grow up too quickly which may have caused my ED. It sort of all makes sense now why it started and why i relapsed early this year. Im looking at uni to do psychology and cant wait to leave here and hopefully have a fresh start and leave everything, including my ED behind. Anyway, enough about me, how is work ? how are you? hows recovery going? how did the meeting go ? you still struggling ? Take care Love Lauren xx