Going IP tomorow, im so scared...will miss u all soooo much <3

posted: 09.06.2009
message:

Oh char! youre making me cry! this is going to be so hard for you, being ni IP is the scariest thing in the world, but i know you will be strong because youre amazing like that! please look after yourself, dont fight with the staff, eat what they give you because its not bad, its saving your life and bringing you back to your old (amazing) self! please try really hard and i know you will, because you need to get home soon so you can go on beat and talk to all of us! good luck my love, youre being so brave and youre going to be better really soon. dont forget to let me know how youre doing whenever you can! i love you so much, thankyou for being the most supportive person ever to me you dont know how much im going to miss you! love you, good luck beth xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo =((((((( < me crying because im miissing you already! xxxxx

posted: 09.06.2009
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Aww Char hunnie, im gonna miss u soooo much.

Pls take care of urself lovely, i no ip wil b tough bt lyk u sed perhaps its the best things for u. U deserve so much better than this nd hopefully ip wil give u the boost u need to fight this illness properly cos its so hard to do on ur own.

We wil all b ok in the end sweetie, dnt worry bout any1 on here, ok? We shall all take gd care of each other. Focus on urself nd recovery hunnie, u cn do this, i no u cn. If u gt a chance let us no hw ur doin, im sure i wil b here when u gt discharged =)

All along uv had this underlying positive attitude Char tht i reli admire nd i no wil beat this nd hav a wonderful life in the future.

Stay strong, ur a beautiful, talented young girl who cn do or b anything u want to, never forgt tht.

I am always here for u nd i will b thinkin bout u nd holdin ur hand all the way.

Take care of urself.

My love, hugs, hope nd prayers r wiv u.

Lots of love jo xxxxxxxxxx <3

posted: 09.06.2009
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good look for tomorrow morning charlie :)
you'll be fine im sure cos your sososo strong :)
just keep smiling and dont let anyone get you down kay?
have faith and stay strong
lots of love
katherine xxxxxxxxxx

posted: 09.06.2009
message:

Darling you can get through this. Believe me. I am so proud of you going in tommorow, and facing the challenges and hardship. This is going to be so worth it. You will come out stronger, braver and happier I hope! :) Work hard and work with them, and you can be happy again. You deserve this. Never never never give up I say! Thankyou for putting my name in your message. I love you to pieces honey, and remember I am your guardian angel. Just think of tally when it gets hard, and what I would say. Keep going! <3 You a very special girlie, and I want you to know I am always here for you. I love you lots, and am sad to be losing contact with you for a while, however I am happy you are getting this help! Go out there and kick anorexia's butt! Yeh, you are worth it :) Love you awhhh :'( miss you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 09.06.2009
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awww ):

i know i didnt get to know you that well charlie, but i know im gunna miss you a bunch ): i hope you get better quickly though, you deserve it (: good luck and keep fighting xx

im gunna keep trying extra hard now, no matter how hard it gets.

miss you xxx

posted: 10.06.2009
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hey hun wishing you all the luck in the world hopefully this will be the turning point you need ive herd a few people on the adult board comment on how much inpatient has helped their daughters or themselves. t must be scarey but it will give you all the people and things you need to battle the ed. Were all going to miss you and will be thinking about you .

xxxxxx

posted: 10.06.2009
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hiya daling

love ya so sorry this is happening but remember it will help u nd if u think as it positive it will help ( i no its hard ) nd remenber I LOVE YA !!!!

i am already mmissing u !!

love from gen

posted: 11.06.2009
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aww huni... im cryin now too lol. u r so so luvly hun nd brave. we r all here for u stil nd wil be wen u get bak. a neva endin supply of hugs is bein sent to ip 4 u ok? now jus u get beta ok sweet.. well done 4 recognisin u may need this... thats a step in itself! ur not alone nd we r all here thinkin of u nd hopin u get nd feel beta soon. let me no how yr gettin on if u can. all my thorts wiv u hun nd take care luvly loads nd loads of luv smiles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :) keep strong! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 20.06.2009
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hi everybody....

*group hug* you have all been so amazin - all ur post made me cry ur all just so lovely and i would b lost without you!!!! each and everyone of you deserves so much better than this!!!! it is amazin to hearin everybody believin that i can do this, as i dont have much faith in myself at the moment!!!!

wow it has been the scariest like 10 days of my life!!! i went into the unit on wed last week but then on friday ended up in A & E .  it was so scary and i think it was a bit of a wake up call as to how bad things have got - at the moment the memory of that trip to hospital is helpin me to fight the ana!!! by the time i came out of hospital my weight had plunmited further!!! i begged my mum not to take me bk to the unit - but she did,even though i relai didnt want to go bk but i no that she had to cause it would have been dangerous for her to take me home!!

things have got a bit better since comin back to the unit have settled in a bit more and made friends with the other girls in the unit - who are all reali nice!!! i have gt a bit more into the routine and i dont feel as home sick as i thought i might!!! i dont think that it has quite sunk in how ong i an goin to be there tho!!!!

i had my school prom last night (which i reali didnt think they were going to let me go to, especially aftermy trip to hospital last week!!!!)  i was allowed to leave the unit after tea to go, i have had the night at home and then i have to go bk to the unit this mornin!!! it was absolutely amazin it was the first time i had been out of the unit (apart from my trip to A & E) since i had been admitted!!! it was great to everybody dressed up and it just gave me a few hours to forget about my problems for a while and just enjoy myself!!!! it will b the last time that i get to see some people as they are leavin!!!

 i get a few hours leave on the weekend afternoons which is quite cool and something to look forward to!!!!!! i wasnt sure they were goin to give me leave this weekend but i have tried so hard so i am pleased that they have noticed that i am tryin!!! 

due to my weight at the moment im not allowed any schooling (even tho i have left school) or therapy sessions within the unit at the moment!!! as my weight goes up i will slowly have more and more but not at the moment which means i have quite a lot of time to myself and it gives you a bit toooo much time to think!!! i hate not havin stuff to do and my concentration is reali bad at the moment so i find it quite hard to occupy myself , so am soooo  bored quite a lot of the time!!!

im sorry i have nt been able to reply to post as we have no internet access in the unit and this is the first time that i have been home so this is the first opertunity i have had!!!! i reali hope that u have all been doin ok!!!! miss u all loads!!!

beth.... *hugs* huni i have missed you sooooo much!!! the past like 10 days have been so scary, this is definatley the hardest thing i have ever had to do!!! at the the start i hated it but i think things are startin to get a bit better as i am settlin in a bit more and have made some gd freinds with the other IP as all but one are anorexic!!!

my trip to A & E totally freaked me out and it is helpin me to fight the ana at the moment cause it made me realise how much i had let the ana take control!!! because my weigth dropped so much when i was in hospital at the moment i am just tryin to get bk the weight i lost then and ge bk up to my addmission weight - i havent even started to put more weight on yet!!! it is so frustrating, i feel at the moment like i am tryin so hard but it isnt makin a difference!!! i feel like a bit of a failiure for ending up here!!!

i am tryin so hard at the moment cause i know the more i try and the less i fight the staff the sooner i will put the weight o and be able to come home!!!! part of me just want the weight to go on as fast as possible so i can get out but i no the that isnt reali the answer i have to try and sort out the problems behind it as well or i will just relapse again when i come out!!!

it is fathers day on sunday and since i lost my dad it is reali hard!!! normally my way of copin is not eatin and i no i cant do this - im just reali woried about how im goin to get through it!!! i reali dont want it to get in the way of my eating cause i am tryin reali hard!!! i do reali want to get better and im tryin my hardest to use all the support that i am bein given to do that!!!!

have hit a low at the moment and i am tryin to stay positive but i think the reality of the last like 10 days is finally sinkin in a bit and i think i have started to realise how the serious the situation is!!!!

 sweetie how r u doin??? hope everything is ok and u are lookin after urself!!!! thinkin about u loads!!! how have ur appointments/treatment been goin... are you still bein treated as a day patient or has it changed??? what have u been up 2???? have you done anything nice ova the last few days??

i have missed you so much sweetie - u have been so unbelievabley supportive to me!!!! you can beat this sweetie we both can!!!! love u loads!!!!! x x x x x x

jo....*hugs* thankx huni u have been so supportive!!!

yeh hopefully this is the supoort i need to get better and i just try to keep remindi myself of that at the moment!!! i have had to challenge myself and the anorexia so much ova the past week and i have had to eat things i havent had for months but i havedone it and i no i wouldnt have been able to make some of those steps at home!!! i no i needed the help it just isnt alwayseasy to remeber that!!!

have hit a bit of a low at the moment and am reali struggling with things at the moment (especially with fathers day on sun = ( )!!!!

how r u doin??? hope everyting is ok with u??? how r ur appointments goin??? have you done anything nice ova the past feww days... got any gd plans for the weekend!!!!

hope u are lookin after urself, you ahev so supportive to me huni and i can thank u enough - missin you loads!!! x x x x x

katherine.... thankx for replyin huni!!!! i am tryin my best to stay as positive as possible - even tho the week has gone reali pretty badly!!! i no it is where i need to be at the moment but i am strugglin!!!!

how r u doin??? hope everything is ok and u are lookin after urself!!! gt any plans for the weekend???? love you x x x x x

tally.... *hugs* sweetie i have missed you so much!!! my little guardian angel - think of u always!!! you have been so supportive to me and i would b lost without u!!!!

yeh i hope that i will come out of IP a bit more back to my old self!!! i want my life bk!!! i am tryin so hard at the moment and i am tryin so hard to work with them not against them - i no that they are just here to help me fight the ana!!!   

yeh it is hard losin contact with everbody on here a bit but i think i do need the time away to get myself sorted out!!!! i will kick ana's butt!!! it is a plan!!!!

how r u doin??? hope everything is ok and u are lookin after urself!!!! gt any plans for the weekend!!!!

missin u loads - love u lots!!! x x x x x x x 

sophie may... thankx for replyin huni!!!! it has been tough but hopefully it will b worth it in the end!!! i would love to get to know you better huni and do fight hard cause if u dont have to end up IP it is so much better!!!!

how r u doin???? hope everything is ok and u are lookin after rself!!!! have u gt any plans for the weekend???? miss u, love x x x x x

it'llbeok.... thankx for replyin sweetie!!! it reali helps to hear that IP has helped other people - i reali do hope it is the turning point for me!!! i wasnt gettin anywhere at home and even tho i didnt want to come in i no it made sense!!! it has been reali scary but everybody at the unit has been reali welcoming and i am starting to feel a bit more at home now, and i no that they are there to help fight the ana not me!!!

how r u doin??? hope everything is goin ok!!!! have you gt any plans for the weekend!!!! missin you x x x x x  

gen.... heya huni thanks for replyin - your post made me feel a it more cheerful!!! i reali hope that the unit can help me cause i reali do want to beat the ana and get my life back!!!

how r u doin??? hope everything is ok!!! look after urself!!! have you gt any plans for the weekend???

love you too huni x x x x

smiles.... *hugs* thankx for the hugs - i reali need them!!! huni i have missed you so much, your post awalsy cheer me up so much!!!!

i reali dont feel very brave at the moment - well he complete oppersite i feel so weak and like im a bit of a failiure for ending up there = ( i do no i need the help and i want to try and use this oppertunity to get myself better!!!

how r u doin??? hope evreything is goin ok and that u are lookin after urself!!!! what are ur plans for the weekend!!!

thinkin of u tooo!!!! love u  x x x x

 

i love you all so much - you have no idea!!!! i am cryi smuch again as i write this (have done so much cryin ova the past week am an emotional wreck atm)!!! i am missin u all!!!

we can all beat this and deserve so much better and we have to all remember that!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - thinkin of u all

always here for you

lots of love

char x x x x x x x <3

posted: 20.06.2009
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im so glad youre back and ok!! youre so strong! it soudns scary what happened, and i hope i dont have to go through it ever ): well done for getting through it! you seem so kind from what ive seen and yeah, id really like ot get to know you better (:

im ok thanks, its tough recently but im really fighting this. and ive got nothing really planned, went shopping today though (: what about you?

good luck with recovery (Y)

xx

posted: 21.06.2009
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Oh My God Char!!! tat is actually the longest post i have ever seen!!!

Im glad that you are starting to settle in, make friends and begin recovery. it must have been really hard for you! what happenned so that you ended up in a and e lovie? =(  I understand just how difficult it is, you know i do, but you need to accept te help.

I am back in IP!! i got reamitted the same day you did and i have not left yet, i havent put any weight on either, so have had no leave and no therapy either (because of my weight, like you) but hopefull will start soon. Iv made some really close friends including another anorexic but she i so different from me, its wierd.

I know its really hard to follow the meal plan, i find that even though i know i want to put on weight and be free and it really doesnt matter how much weight i put on, i still just cant eat when the food is put down in front of me!! This weekend, after a disasterous morning yesterday, has been slightly more posative, and felt a tiny bit more comfortable, which is really great =) i just hope i gain this week so that i can get some leave and some therapy!!

You should be so proud of yourself honey!! you sound like you are doing an amazing job, and you will be out of there before you know it! just stay strong, dont be afraid to trust others, they do know what they are doing.

We are both going to get through this and be so much stronger than ever before. Dont forget to keep updating me, whenever you get leave because i miss you sooooo much and think about you all the time!

i love you, keep fightig hard!

dont forget youre amazing

loads of love beth

xoxoxoxooxo

 

ps. i love you soooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted: 21.06.2009
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Hi honey :)

 

I have missed you toooo my little chicken! :) I love you loadsssssss. <3 How are you today? Was it good to be home? I really hope that despite how hard it is you know you are doing the right thing. This is an extremely brave thing to do, and not everyone does it, but you are a stronger than you think and you can keep going long after you think you cant. Don’t give up! :)

 

I am okay. I just made a topic actually, about how I am and stuff. Its all a bit up and down really. I am so lazy and not feeling to well infact so I am going to say that could you read my topic to see how I am. Sorry. I feel really bad for asking you to do that. I love you. :)

 

Don’t forget that I am with you all the time Charlie! :) I love you and always here for you little sisterrr! :) hehe. Have a good week, and think poisitve! :) Yepppp! :D My weekend was quite good, I spent a nice evening with a very lovely guy (: hehe.

 

Anywho, sorry as I said I am not feeling well, so I have to be off,

Take care love you

Tally rose. xxx

posted: 22.06.2009
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Hi, it is lucy (bluebird) i think we only spoke once because i am quite new here and it was my first post and i just want to say thankyou so so so so so much for writing what you did because it was what you wrote that made me continue to follow the meal plan and not give up and without that i dunno where i would be now!!!!! So thankyou so much. You are so right when you said the the ED had ruined your life.. i know you have such an amazing future ahead of you hun!! Someone once said to me that there are so many paths you can take to recovery, some are straight and some are windy and some are steep but they all eventually lead to the same place - wholeness and health and a life not controlled but your ED when you are not restricted and you do not hate your body. Where you can make the most of your life. So when you eventually come out of IP or whenever you feel like putting on the weight is killing you remember that recovery could take your whole life or it could take just six more mounths and you could have the rest of your life to enjoy and be you... not you and anorexia. sorry this is getting vairy rambly but keep fighting because it so so will be worth it and i know everyone says that and it is so hard to belive but your ED is not part of you and it doesnt deserve to be part of you and as long as you let it be there you will be unhappy because whatever ana tells you it will never make you happy and everything it says is a lie. anyways... hang on in there and thankyou so much for all the insperation you gave me... it was really wonderful. love you, lucy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 22.06.2009
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Char sweetie pie!!

Hellooooooooo! Long tym no spk...lol, wel it feels lyk a long tym! Ooo glad u gt home on wkend afternoons! Thts gd...means we cn chat!!

Omg. A & E....help thk god ur ok...u tryin to make me worried? Lol, jst plsd ur alrite...phew! I understand u nt wanting to go bac to the unit bt its a gd thing...for the best nd ur safe there! I remember the most horrible shoutin nd cryin fits cos i wantd to go home bt they wudnt let me...*shuders*

Rite..so sum ideas of hw to keep urself occupied...from experience lol! (i swear i never been so bored lyk i was in hospital...i think mind numbin day tym tv was bout the excitement of the day..lol!)

1) u cud make a bracelet outta thread the beat colours to remind u of us nd ward off ana thots!!

2) read lots of books!...i startd readin this one called Saturday when i was in hosp.

3) annoy the nurses lol...only joking

4) crafts of any sort cn b gd if u lyk tht sorta thing =S

.....emm....if i think of anything i wil let u no lol

U r doin sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wel Char!!! Im incredibly, incredibly proud of u!!! Love ya!

Nd also its super tht u had a nice time at ur prom...u totally deserve tht!!

Emm...im nt sure hw i am tbh....i hav slipped into the restrictin cycle again cos im bac at skl which means when the hols cum it is gonna b so awful havin to eat more...im nt sure if i cn do it. Plus there is always tht threat of being takin outta skl if my weight goes dwn =( grr.

Anywhoo....i had a mixed wkend....went to these international horse trials which were sooooooo cool bt then my mum was ill again nd its gttin worse nd i feel reli upet bt i cnt tlk bout it cos i wil gt told off for being selfish =(

Rite...ok enough negativity from me!!

Oh hun...i hope father's day wasnt too bad...hav u been able to tlk to any1 at unit bout it? *huggles* ur dad wud b very proud of u.

Yer...im gonna quote Tally here "think positive nd hav a gd wk"

I no u cn do it Char....uv proved u r such a strong, wonderful, brave person! Keep fighting....keep on keeping on!

Hugs, hope nd prayers for u!

Take care, spk soon.

Love u to infinity =)

jo xoxoxoxox <3

posted: 23.06.2009
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lol, at your suggestions for what char should do jo. iv been doing all of those, theres no room left on my arm for bracelets, love you how are you doing?

xoxo

posted: 23.06.2009
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hey huni. aww its so so nice hearin from u.. :) u r brave hun nd no failure at al sweet. u hav done such a couragous thing in recognisin u need this.. i think yr such a star. i rely admire u 4 it tbh. wot an inspiration u r luvly. how r u findin it in ther? nd im rely glad u got to go to yr prom... prom is always a great nite wher u jus seem to forget yr worries n enjoy yrself a bit. i hope u enjoyed it luvly. aww hun.. jo's suggestions about wot to do r great. another one i like to do is write. i jus sit in my room n write 4 hours sumtimes. in fact one thing i do which helps is to write letters to everyone u care about sayin everythin u want to get off yr chest to them n it helps alot sumtimes. jus make sure u hav a spare pen lol... u mite run outts ink like i do lol.. anyway i hope u enjoy yr weekend time out. that'l be good n hopefully it'l be luvly n sunny 4 u. nd a+e omg huni.. i hope they r takin good care of u. r the nurses nice? me.... well umm im ok thanx.. well umm i dont no im rely rely tired.. i can barely keep my eyes open n i feel horrible cos i hav this new job which is full time 6 nites a week til like gone 3am nd im tryin to decide if i shud stick at it cos im not gettin time to eat like i shud be tryin to n i cant stick to my meal plan at al. i dunno wot to do cos i dont wanna quit n be a failure but im not enjoyin it cos im tired. i was drivin home last nite at 3am n i had to pull over . but anyhoo sorry 4 goin off on a tangent n i hope yr ok. luv u loads huni xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 26.06.2009
message:

hi everybody

Sophie may .....thanks for replyin. I would love 2 get 2 no u better to u seem so kind!!!

 yeh the last few weeks have been pretty scary and i think it is all still sinkin in a bit at the moment!!! i reali dont feel very strong at the moment, have hit quite a few real low points this week!!!

im sorry to hear that things have been tough recently but im so proud of u to hear that u are fightin hard - that is the way to avoid IP, you dont have to end up here, u can fight this!!!

shoppin sounds gd!!! i think i might go to the cinema 2morow as i have a bit of leave from the unit = )

how r u doin??? hope everything is goin ok!!! look after urself!!! x x x x 

Beth....*hugs* huni miss u so much. u have been so supportive to me u are always here for me and i would b lost without u!!! i no it reali was a mega post = ) lol!!!

i still cant quite believe everythin that has happened ova the past few weeks - it feels like i am livin in my own little bubble and everything that is happenin around me isnt quite real!!!!

im still not quite sure what happened with A & E, i think my digestive system just couldnt cope and just gave up - stopped (which reali wasnt to gd)!!! i couldnt keep any food down which meant that my weight plumited and when i came out of hospital i was so weak!!! it scared me so much and made me realise reali how ill i was!!!

i am tryin so hard not to fight what they are doin as i no they are onli tryin to help me!! i have had a better week this week but have struggled a bit as i have had quite a lot of family stuff gettin in the way!!!

im reali sorry to hear that u gt readmitted but at least it mean u are safe and gettin the support that u need at the moment!!! at least u have made close friends - i have to and it reali does help!!! some of the other ED patients in my unit are reali similar 2 me but some of them are reali different!!!

i know what u mean about wantin to put on the weight but the minute the food is put down in front of you all logic goes out of the window!!! it reali is so hard!!! all u can do is try ur hardest, no one can ask for more than that!!! take it mouthful by mouthful!!! i reali hope that this week has been better for you and u have managed to gain!!!

i have had a bit of a better week this week as i am a bit more settled but have hit some real low points - i no u understand how hard it is being in the unit 24/7!!!! i am desperate to get out  and part of me is just eatin to get out which i no isnt the answer but part of me nos that i have to do it the right way if i want to beat this and that might mean stayin here for longer than i would like!!! i am reali tryin but i just feel so weak at the moment - i am all ova the place at the moment!! have cryed so much this week!!! ; (

how r u doin??? hope everything is goin ok!!! sweetie u reali can fight this and u deserve so much better - everytime u are strugglin just remember how much the ana has destroyed ur life!!! u can beat this!!! missin u so much and wishin u all the luck in the world!!!! thinkin of u!! x x x x x 

Tally....*hugs* i have missed u too huni!!! you have been so supportive to me and i love u loads big sis!!!!

it is so gd to be at home for a bit!!!

thank u it reali helps for me to hear other people have faith in me as i dont reali have faith in myself at the moment!! i still feel so weak at the moment!! i have cryed so much this week - i am just a bit all ova the place at the moment!!! i have hit some real low points this week!!! i think the reality of the past few weeks is onli just startin to sink in!!!

i am tryin reali hard to stay positive and am tryin reali hard as i want to get home as soon as possible!!! i am glad that i am gettin the help but i am findin it reali hard at the moment!!!

im sorry things are a bit up and down for you - i will try and have a look at ur other post if i have time!!! how r u doin at the moment??? hope everything is goin ok!!!! thinkin of u loads!!! x x x x x x

Lucy..... thanks for replyin huni!!!!

i am so glad i was able to help you huni!!! what u wrote there is so true!!! thank u huni u have helped me too - it reali helps to hear things like that!!!

yeh i have to constantly remember what the ED has taken form me and how much it has ruined my life as a way to keep figthin the ana!!! i no recovery isnt goin to be easy but isnt the alternative so much worse!!! i do want to get better and i no u do too - we can beat this and get better!!!

how r u doin??? hope everything is ok!!! stay strong, thinkin of u!!!! x x x x x x

Jo ..... *hugs* huni thanks for replyin, have missed u so much!!! u have been so supportive to me and i would b lost without u!!!

yeh A & E was pretty scary and i was desperate not to go bk to the unit but i think in the long run it was the best thing to do!!!

thanks for all the tips of things to do!!! i have done quite a lots of reading and arty things which has worked quite well at keepin me occupied!!! annoyin the nurses has also been high on the list = ) lol!!!

at the moment it reali doesnt feel like i am doin very well - i feel all ova the place at the moment!!! i have cryed so much this week!!! i think the reality of the past few weeks is just sinkin in!!! i have tryin so hard this week and i have settled in the unit a bit more and made some gd friends but have hit some real low points this week!!!

fathers day was pretty horrid and i struggled quite a bit but i am glad it is ova now and i am tryin reali hard to focus on gettin myself better and stayin positive (which isnt reali goin to plan at the moment)!!!

im reali sorry that u have slipped bk in to the cycle of restricting that reali isnt gd!!!!! is there any1 u can talk to??? u just have to try ur hardest and no one can ask for more than that!!! take it mouthful by mouthful and challenege the thoughts as much as possible - remember how much ana has taken from u!!!! u deserve so much better!!! 

huni u arent selfish at all - that must b reali hard 4 u!!! if u ever want anyone to talk to remeber i am here for u!!!! how r u doin? hope everythin is goin ok!!!! thinkin of u loads - miss u so much!!! x x x x

Smiles....*hugs* sweetie thanks for replyin - ur posts always cheer me up!!!

this week has been a bit better as i have settled into the unit a bit more and i have meade some gd friends but have also hit some real low points this week. i think the reality of the past few weeks is slowly startin to sink in a bit!!! my trip to A & E reali scared me and i think it has started to hit home a bit how ill i reali am!!!

thanks for the letter writing suggestion i might give it a try as i certainly have a lot of spare time and i am fully equiped with spare pens!!! lol = )

it is so gd to b out of the unit for a bit i feel like im almost in prison for most of the week!!!

the nurses here are reali nice (minus about 1 or 2) which does help a lot as they can help to cheer u up when u are struggling!!!

huni sorry to hear that ur sooo tired - the new job sounds stressful!!! it reali isnt a gd thing if it is interfferin with ur eatin!!! take care of urself huni - if u do need to quit that doesnt make u  a failiure u just have to look after urself and do what is right for u!!!

how r u doin??? hope everything is ok!!! thinkin of u loads!!! x x x x x

 

thank u all so much for replyin - it has cheered me up so much to come home and read all ur posts!!! hope u are all lookin after urselfs!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - thinkin of u all

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x

 

 

 

  

 

posted: 27.06.2009
message:

readig your messages make me smile char! youre such a lovely person and youve really impacted my recovery, thankyou honey!

I can really relate to what you said about the bubble. when i leave to go for my one *  minute walk a day, its like stapping out into another world!! its so wierd! but i love the feeling of freedom.

Sorry you are having family trouble, i feel like being in here has put a strain on my relationship with my parents. Its really hard because i always feel angry at them for leaving me here, which makes me upset and i dont mean to take it out on them, but i think you always show your real emotions around those you are closest too, and its hard to do that with nurses. i hope that gets better for you.

The a n e thing sounds really scary love =( but i guess its good that its shocked you into eating a bit, keep going!!!!

 i really want to go on holiday with my friends in August even though i know il still be underweight then. Im sort of thinking abot that all the time for motivation and sometimes it works, but i dont kno what i will d if i dont get to go or after the holiday is over. But its all i hae to aim for now so maybe it will help. have you got anything to aim for?

I feel like i can relate to you s much char! everything that happens, happens to you too, its like wer going through this together! i love you.

stay strong honey, yo desrve better too, youre such an amazing peron, i can tell even though iv never met you! please stay strong, you can do this, you might be in IP for a long time, but it will do you good =) iv already beenhere so much longer than i washoping to stay and i dont think i will be leaving any time soon =(

let me know how yure doing assoon as you can

love beth xxo

posted: 04.07.2009
message:

hi beth

*hugs* i miss u so much sweetie!! u have had a massive impact on my recovery to - i would have been lost without u the last few months!!! u have offered me so much support and u always no the right thing to say - thank u huni!!!!

yeh leaving the unit does feel so strange, it is like a safe secure little bubble!!! u are lucky that u get short walks - im not allowed that yet until my weight is up quite a bit!!!!

yeh being here has put quite a lot of strain on mine and mums relationship and it is especially strange when i have leave away from the unit with her!!! i think u are absoloutly right about onli showng ur true emotions to those closest to you - it is hard cause u dont mean to but u cant help it!!! i hope things are gettin better for u too!!!

yeh A & E reali did act as a bit of a hock tactic/wake up call but i wouldnt recommend it = )

huni that is so gd that u have the holiday to aim for - having motivation is so important!!!! u dont want to let ana to stop u goin on holiday - this is ur chance to show everybody who is in control of ur life, u or the ana!!! i am reali struggling with motivation at the moment as there is no way i am goin to b out of the unit by the end of the summer holidays!! i am missing out on so much i had planned ova the summer - i no i will have other oppertunities to go away with friends etc. and this is more important at the moment but it reali isnt helping with the whole motivation thing at the moment!!! even if i stay bang on track with the weight gain that they want it is going to be touch and go if i will b out to start sixth form in sept!!!

yeh i no what u mean huni we seem to b goin through so much of the same things at the moment!! as much as i wouldnt wish this on anyone it help to talk to someone else in a similar situation!!! we can both beat this!!!

yeh stayin IP for so long is dauntin and i think when i think about that that is when it reali scares me but i do need to get mself sorted out!!! i have lost so much to the the ilness and i cant kepp giving into it otherwise i no it is going to kill me as scary as that sounds!!!

this week has been so hard but i have got to the point where as much i am still desperate not to put the weight on - there isnt reali an alternative!!! i reali hope this next week is better cause i am reali low at the moment and it is making the eating so much harder!!!

how r u doin?? hope everything is going ok and this week has been a bit better!!! please please look after urself!!! u are doing amazingly well - i am so proud of u sweetie!!! just remember that u deserve better and dont accept any less!!!!

stay strong huni and keep fightin - thinkin of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world, we can beat this!!!

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x

posted: 04.07.2009
message:

Hiya Char hun!

Sory i thot i had replied to this...oops!

Hw u gettin on? Hope things r goin ok atm....u r reli strong nd i no u'l gt thru this, keep goin nd never give up no matter hw long things take!

Hws the reading nd other activities goin? When do u gt to start counsellin nd therapy? Oh nd i hope annoying the nurses is goin wel!!

I understand sum days cn b reli hard nd at first sumtyms there r more bad days than gd bt slowly nd surely tht wil change nd the gd days wil becum more frequent!

*passes Char a hankie embrodiered wiv flowers to dry her eyes*

Keep things in mid wot u want for ur future...focus on urself nd never forget tht u r the most important person in ur recovery!

The advice of takin it mouthful by mouthful is reli gd...rite bac at u!! Emm wel iv had a couple of cryin breakdwns nd my parents hav tried to gt me to tlk bt its hard nd i reli upset my mum today so i feel reli bad =(

U cn do this Char...take every day as it cums nd remember u r worth so much more than ana!

Take care, thk u for everything...im always here for u too!

Love u loads

jo xxxx <3

posted: 05.07.2009
message:

hey hun!

mmmm, my mum is so hard for me to deal with at the moment, she starts crying all the time and whenevr i see her she cries or tells me evrything im s=doing wrong, which she doesnt mean to do, but its really hard to deal with.

I love you too char! i hope that you can get out in time for sixth form! iv missed half this year of school, which is really bad, im hoping to get out soon because i dont have to stay in until i reach my target weight i just need to get onto the right track! thats why im thinking of my holiday, i hope it happens or i dont know what i will do! i am trying so, so hard! I have a cpa on thhursday which i am so scared about because its a bit scary sitting in a room of 40 people all talking about you!

you are doing so amazingly well char, even though it is hard you are not giving up and i know how hard it is and i wished that i was doing as well as you! although, i think i am eating pretty well, almost evryhting om=n my plan, but have not gained weight yet =(

I know what you mean about losing so much to this illness, its so annoying and i just want to kick it back in the face, but its so difficult! we can do it though, i believe that we are strong, stronger than this and yo are so right about proviong who is in control, you or ana!? keep strong by thjinking about all the good things that are going to happen and never stop believing yourself because you are such a special person and i know that you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to!

How are you doing this week? any more progress with your weight? are you finding it any easier? oh and by the way, in your unit do you have like bedrooms or dorms?

i love you char, stay strong forever =)

love beth xoxo 

posted: 10.07.2009
message:

Hi beth

*hugs* huni i miss u so much!!! have thought about u loads over the past week!!! i would b lost without u at the moment!!! love u loads sweetie!!!

huni it sounds like things with ur mum are reali tough at the moment!!! hang in there, she is just worried about u and as things start to get better so will ur relationship - even tho it might not feel like that at the moment!!! things have been difficult with my mum at the moment to!!!

yeh i reali hope i can get out of here before the start of sixth form as i want to start with everybody else - there are goin to be loads of new people and i dont want to come in late when everybody has alreadi formed new friendship groups etc.

that is reali gd that u dont have to stay in until u reach ur target weight - i wish that was the case for me but they wont let me more to being a day patient unitl i have a healthy bmi! that is reali gd that u might b able to go on ur holiday!!! that is a reali gd motivation to work towards - try and think of that when things get hard and u will get there!!! i hope the meetin went well!!! u are doin so well huni and im sure they wil recognise that and u will b out soon!!!

it is reali gd that u managing almost everything on ur meal plan - that is brilliant huni and i am so porud of u!!! all u can do is try ur hardest and eat what is put in front of u - if u dont manage to put on weight they will adjust ur meal plan!!! try not 2 focus too much on the weight just focus what u have to do!!! we can both beat this - it is one of the hardest thigs in the world but we can get there and it reali will  worth it!!! u are doin amazingly huni and never forget that u onli get one body and u need 2 look after it!!! if u damage ur body too much now this will effect u for the rest of ur life!!! u want to b able to live ur life ur way not ana's way!!!

 

i reali dont feel like i am doin well at the moment and i have reali struggled this week!!! the dynamics in the unit have changed a lot over the past week as 2 of the girls i had made gd friends with have left and we had 2 new admissions and the atmosphere at meal times at the moment is awful!!! i find it reali hard not to be influenced by how the other girls are eating or not eating and it is making it so difficult!!! i am tryin to block it out and focus on what i have to do but it is so hard!!!!

i dont have much choice about the weight gain -  due to my weight if i refuse to eat here i will b moved to another unit where i will b tube feed!!! i have found it so hard as i can start to see the changes to my body at the moment and i am findin it reali hard to deal with - i have put on so much weight since i first came in but i still have soooo much  to go - it feels like i am goin to be here forever!!!

as my bmi has gone up i have now moved on to the second stage of the ED treatment plan at me unit which means that i have a bit more choice of my meals and i dont have to do bed rest unless i dont complete a meal or snack!!! i no it is a gd thing but it freaked me out as it shows hiw much my weight has gone up!!! i no how much i still have to go but it has still reali scared me!!! i have been allowed a bit more leave this weekend and i have to have lunch at home 2morow and i am reali nervous about it as it is my first proper meal away from the unit!!! i am so worried about it!!!

i used my ED to block out thoughts about what happened with my dad and at the moment loads of these thoughts are coming back reali strong at the moment and i dont no how to cope with them!!! it just makes me want to stop eating cause i reali dont feel strong enough to deal with them at the moment!!!

we have dorms there are 4 of us in together - which is nice in some ways but also reali claustraphobic at times!!! it can be reali suportive being surrounded by people who are goin through similar problems but it can also b extremely unhelpful as u can learn bad habits from each other!!!

how are you doin??? hope everything is ok!!! i hope u have managed to gain this week!!! have u managed to get any leave this week??? do have any idea when u might b allowed to go home???thinkin of u loads and wishin u all the luck in the world!!! u can do this - just beleive in urself!!!

stay strong huni and keep fightin

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x  

posted: 11.07.2009
message:

Hey lovie

it must be really hard for you with sixth form coming up and everything, you just need to really focus and think about what you want. I saw my head of year on thursday and he said how wveryone at school wa missing me and stuff and it made me sad =(

the last few days have been unblievably hard and ive cried so so much, but iv realied its tim for a chage. My holiday is on the third of augustand even though my consultant has said i cant go i am determined to prove her wrong and show her i am ready, i have never been so determined and i am eating everything on my (very increased =s) meal plan!!

its so god that you have got a little bit closer to your healthy bmi, it sounds like you are doing a much more amazing job than me!! I thnk if i had to be here till my target weight i would be here for at least 16 weeks, and tha would only be if i hit my weight gaining target every week. I know you will be able to make it out before the end of the summer because you are so stong, you can do anything you put your mind to!

it must be hard if the unit is busy sweetie, there are only 7 of us at the moment and lots of people on leave, but it still fees like a lot is going on. It might not feel like the best situation right now char, but im sure once you are through this step you will look back and think how brave you were and how glad you are that you braved taking the first big step! I am so proud of you, whatever you think =)

I am also very jealous of your leave. WELL DONE for moving up to stage number 2, you are going to fly through these stages my love and get your life back super soon. you are doing something so many pople struggle with and some dont even survive and for even attempting to do this i think you are an amazing person, but you are trying really hard and you are going to beat evil ana and be free again soon.

Try to stay strong char, even though i know it is really really really really hard. The thoughts about your dad must be difficult to dea with, but maybe its better to think about them tha just to ignore them and hope that they go away, because they wont.

mm, dorms sound a bit wier. we have individual roms, but we always try to go in eachothers rooms, so you are quite lucky really.

I dont know if i will get leave or not tomorrow, i hope so, even though i did something really silly today  i feel so angry but i hope to speak to my consultant on monday!

well done char, try and stay positive. It will take a while, but sooner or later you will look back on this and thank god you did it in order to save the rest of your life! I think you are amazing. how are you today?

love you so much

beth xoxo

posted: 18.07.2009
message:

CHar!

its saturday!!! why arent you posting??? are you alright? im really worried you know!!

please reply as soon as you can to put my mind at rest, i have so much to tell you! i hope youre alright my love. never give up, you are better than this i promise!

i love you so much, love beth xoxo

posted: 19.07.2009
message:

hi beth

*hug* huni miss you so much and hope you are looin after urself!!!

i am reali worried about sixth form in sept cause i think i am still going to b stuck in the unit cuase i still have so much weight to put on!!! i reali wanted to start with everybody else!!!! i reali dont want to get behind and i dont want to b the anorexic girl that is stuck in hospital while everybody else is making new friends etc.

i am sure that you reali are missed by everybody at school!!! that is a gd thing becuase u know that it is all ther waiting for you when you get out of hospital!!! the sooner u get well the sooner you can get bk to ur life!! 

im sorry to hear that u have been finding eveything reali hard!!! but like u said prove your consultant wrong and show her that u can go on holiday!!! it sounds likeu are trying reali hard with ur meal plan!!! thats reali great i am so proud of you!!! you just have to put all ur energy into that at the moment!!!

even tho i have put on so much weight i still have so much more to go and i know i am still going to b stuck here for a very long time!!! i am not going to be out before the end of the summer even if i stay band on track with the weight gain!!! it feels like i am going to b stuck in here forever at the moment!!!

i am reali struggling at the moment and i am reali hating life in the unit at the moment!!! it doesnt feel like it is helping me at the moment, it just feels like it is making eveything worse at the moment!!! = (

i am finding it hard being on stage 2 but i do no it is a step in a right direction and i have to just keep reminding myself of this!!! 

i do know i have to deal with the issues with my dad and i wont b able to get rid of the ED until i have i am just sure i am strong enough to deal with them at the moment!!!

in some ways i like having dorms becuase it means that u ahve company which is quite nice but it is also hard cause one of my room mates reali doenst want to get better and she is quite difficult to be around as she has quite a lot of bad habits!!!!!

i hope you did manage to get leave - i no how hard you are working at the moment and you reali do deserve it!!! just remember they are just trying to help you and they do have ur best interests at heart even thought it doesnt always feel like that!!!

how r u doing??? hope u are ok and you have had a gd week!!! thinkin of you loads and wishing you all the luck in the world!!!

stay strong sweetie and keep fightin

always here for you

love you loads

char  x x x x x

posted: 21.07.2009
message:

CHar im so  sorry you are having a hard time. you dont undersand, i wish i could just take the horrible pain of eds away from all of us and throw them way! its really not fair, no one deserves to go through what we go through!

Im nervous about gettting out now, even though its still likely to be a while because i have more weight to gain and i am struggling to make any progress at all, in nearly two months! In fact of gone further back, but im not going to give up yet becaue i really want to be better. anyway, im nervoud my friends would have moved on because it has been such a long time and i dont know what i would talk about with them, even though i do see them sometimes in here and text them and stuff. i just feel scared.

I have started phsycology and am finding it really useful, i discover all the habits i have and about my need for control and obsessions and compulsions, its very interesting and i am thinking of becoming a phsycologist whn all this is over!

Char its great that youve put on weight, even though i know its hard for you to see it that way! but in  a little while im sure you will and will be very greatful for fighting for the life you really do deserve!

stay strong love, because i know you can do this. remember i am always here for you and so are all the other people who you mean so mcuh to, all anyone wants is for you to be happy and well! so please keep fighting.

i love you so much

loads and loads and loads of love beth

xoxo

posted: 25.07.2009
message:

hi beth

*hugs* sweetie i miss u so much everything is just going wrong at the moment - i just feel like i am moving backwards at the moment!!! i reali hope u are managing to stay positive and that you fighting reali hard for what u reali want - ur life bk!!

thank u so much u are alwaus so supportive and know the right things to say!!! u are so brave and i love u to bits!!!! have faith in urself!!! 

i completely understand what u mean about being scared of leaving there!!! even tho i hate it in the unit at the moment i know that part of me will b petrified the day that i get discharged!!! i no it is hard but try not to worry to much about it at the moment!!! ur friends wont have moved on without u - they will b thrilled to have u bk to ur old self!!! things will work them selves out!!! as the ED lessens it grip on u u will slowly find little bits of the old beth and ur life  and slowly these will fit together and u will start to live again free from the ana!!! does that make sense.... sort of rambling, anyways!!!! = )

I am reali pleased that u have started phsycology and you are findin it useful. i think becoming a phsycologist could b a reali gd idea!!! when i was older i wanted to b a peadiatrician but now i think i want to specialise in children with anorexia!!! i think u can b so much better at a job if u have personal experiance ina a subject rather than learning it all from a book!!!

everything feels like it is falling to pieces at the moment!!! i dont no what to do the ana is just gettin stronger!!! i feel so lost.

i do no deep down that the weight gain is a good things but i am jut finding it so hard to deal with at the moment!!! they keeep telling me it will get easier!!!

i wish i could take away the pain caused by EDs too!!! i wish there was just a magic cure or a little tablet that would make it all go away!!! loads of my friends and family expect thigs to be getting so much easier week on week and they expect me to b 'cured' by the time i leave here!!! they dont understand that it isnt as simple as that!!! no one wants to hear how ** i am feeling, all they want to know is how well i am doing and how much weight i have put on!!!

sorry again for my little rant!!! i feel so guilty as u have enough of ur own problems at the moment without me addin to it!!!

how r u doing???? hope everything is going ok and u are trtig ur absoulute hardest!!!! u can beat this this - we both can!!!

stay strong huni and keep fighting - thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!!

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x x

posted: 28.07.2009
message:

Char!! i miss you so mcuh, i wish we could talk more because i love you!

Im so so so so sorry that you are finding things hard! you dont deserve all the trouble you are going through, you know. Dont feel guilty because you are a really great person. And you are strong enough to release yourself from the grip of ana!

You are more supportive char, everything you say is amazing and i wish you could listen to your own fantastic advice.

I want to be my old self again too. and i know you will be as well. Ive been feeling so much stronger and more positive, its crazy. For the forst time ever ive been able to recognise an ana thought when i hear it in my head and sometimes i can even ignore it! I feel like i have made so much progress, just in the last week and a half. I just hope my consultant sees that and gives me leave for meals.

I know what you mean about wanting to help children with anorexia, i feel like i could really help other people. And looking at the nurses and stuff, they seem to be really happy with themselves and their job, so maybe i could do that.

I know you are finding it hard, but dont let the ana control you. fight back, think about the real char that is till there deep inside you somewhere, desperate to come out. Help her get strong again.

I gained a little over the weekend, so i am right on track. I dont know how i gained the right amount, i thought i would have gained tons and i dont understand! But weight gain is a good thing char and i hope things do get easier for you because you deserve it!#

Gosh, i know it must be hard if people think you are getting better. Ive always felt that way, people say just put the weight on, eat well. But everything wont just be ok after that will it? I think it takes a lot of work and we just need somthing to keep us going, something so much better than ana to think about, That is what ive been trying recently, i cant think of any reasons to be anorexic, but i can think of a million to try and get better.

I am feeling so strong at the momentchar, strong enough for both of us so please dont feel guilty for ranting. i like it and i want to help you with all the terrible problems you have!

i love you char, really try to be good because i know that you are strong enough. keep fighting forever.

so much love from beth xoxo

posted: 01.08.2009
message:

Hi beth

*hugs* huni i miss u too and wish we could talk more hopefully over the next few weeks i might start to get a bit more leave if things go the way they should which will mean i might b able to come on a bit more!!!

thank u huni - im glad u have found some of my advice supportive!!! yeh im not great at following my own advice... need to work on that one  = p !!!! u have been amazing to me too and i would have been lost without u!!!

huni that is so great that u feel so much stronger at the moment!! it is so positive that u feel like u are making some progress!!! i am sooooo proud of u sweetie - keep going like this and it will b no time at all until u are bk to ur old self!!!! i no u can do this huni u are amazing and u dont deserve to suffer like this!!! like u said it will take a while for the ana thoughts to go but being able to identify the ana thoughts is a massive step and being able to ignore them is the way u are going to get better!!!!

huni i am so proud of u for having gained a bit of weight!!! i no how hard it is to cope with but that is what is going to allow u to go home and get back to ur life!!! this is massive progress huni - it may onli b a small amount but it is a small step in the right direction and the onli way you can get to where u want to b is by lots of little steps!!!

yeh i do still find it reali hard when people say how much better i look and coment on how much healthier i am now i have put on weight!!! i no it is onli becuase they were watching me starve myself to death and they are so relieved that i am safe and getting better!!!! i do want to get better but there is a part of me that still isnt ready and is so scared of not having the ana to hide behind and use as a way to cope when things get hard to cope with - but i do want my life bk!!!! like u said i need to focus on the million and one things i will gain from not having the ana!!!!

yeh i think working with children with anorexia could b so rewarding!!! it makes such a difference having experienced the illness first hand - u learn things that u would never find in a text book and u can use that 2 help others!!!

huni thank u so much u are like my rock - no matter what u are going through u are always here for me!!!! i love u so much and i am so porud of you at the moment - u have made so much progess, i am sure ur consultant will c how hard u are fighting and u will b out of there b4 u no it!!!!!

this week has been reali up and down the first part of the week was awful but it has sort of got better as the week has gone on!!!

 i got moved off the main table during meal times on to a seperate table as i didnt complete my meal within the time limit twice in a row and i have slipped bk into a lot of ad habits again recently!!! i was so frustrated as i havent needed to be on a seperate table for ages and it feels like i have moved backwards quite a bit!!! i had managed to break lots of my bad habits b4 going into the unit but being around other people who do the sort of things i used to do makes it reali hard not to go bk to doing them again!!! i am finally bk on the main table now but it took me ages to complete 2 meals within the time limit to let me move bk!!!

my periods came bk on wednesday and i completely freaked out!!! i am stilll quite low bmi so my nurse was quite surprised they had alreadi come bk!!! i no that it is a gd things and that it means that my body is starting to work again but it totally freaked me out!!!! it scared me as it is was a reminder of how much weight i have put on and that i am actually getting better!!!

the second half of the week was a bit better as i had a meeting with my case coordinator who is in charge of my case and it is her that decides when i get move to day patient and get discharged!!!  she has said that she is looking at letting me become a day patient at a lower weight than she was first going to allow!!! it means that in about a months time i might b able to become a day patient rather than staying as an IP for at least another 2 months like she had wanted to do!!!! over the next few weeks as long as everything stays on track she wants to increase my leave so that i am pending more and more leave at home!!! 

she has also relaxed a bit about my target weight as my periods have returned!!! even tho my periods have returned i still have  weight to put on just to get to my minimum healthy target weight!!! she has said that he may consider discharging me bk to CAMHS at an underweight BMI rather than a minimum healthy BMI as long as i am still having regular periods!!!  

i was feeling reali low at the start of the week but i am trying to b a bit more positive at the moment and just focus on getting out of the unit and getting bk to CAMHS. i dont feel like the unit has reali helped sort out the phycological problems or helped me to deal with the ana but i felt at CAMHS they were helpng me to do that so i think i can get bk to CAMHs the better!!! 

sorry again for the rant!!! i no u have said u dont mind but i still feel so guilty - u are going through so much too and i dont feel like i am there for u a much as i want to be!!! i dont no how u are managing to stay so strong sweetie - u are an inspiration!!!!

how are things goin???? hope everything is going ok and u are managing to stay positive!!!! i no u can beat this huni, u deserve so much better!!!

stay strong sweetie and keep fighting - thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x x

posted: 01.08.2009
message:

hey charli hunni please dnt worry about ip. i have just spent my first week in ip myself . it is quie hard at the begginning but the support nd treatment nd the help from other young ppl in their is so encouraging nd it gives u the strength nd the reason 2 keep fighting ur ed nd defeat it as u like every 1 else has a whole life ahead of u nd the ppl in ip just wanna help u get bak on track in life so u can cum out the other side d look ba nd just realise how helpful it reli is so take my word for it hun hope we can stay in conatct

take care

emily x

posted: 01.08.2009
message:

hi emily

thankx for replying huni!!!

this is quite an old post now - i went into the IP unit nearly 8 weeks ago now!!! it has been a bit of  a roller coaster ride since i first went in - including  a trip to A & E because my digestive system stopped working (which scared the hell out of me)!!!

im sorry to hear that u are IP as well!!! i am reali glad to hear that u have found it so suppotive etc. it sounds like u r reali using the oppotunity and all the help to get urself bk on track which is great!!!

how old are you sweetie??? im 16!!! how are things goin??? hope it is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! if u ever need some support or some one to chat to just post and i will get bk 2 u as soon as possible (i dont have internet in the unit so i have to wait until i get leave!!!)

stay strong and keep fightin huni

always here for you

love u loads

char x x x x x

posted: 01.08.2009
message:

Char!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe you have your periods back!!!!!! i am so jealous, that is a mazing, you have done so well!! please feel proud of yourself!!! Im sorry, this is such a lot of exclaimation marks, but im just so happy char, for you. I know that right now it feels scary, and its hard to see stuff from other peoples point of view, but you have really achieved something, tried hard and done well!!!!!!

I know this sounds a bit wierd, but i had like a dream i had my period and got really happy, then i thought that if i was happy in my dream i would be happy in real life, so now i am working towards that. But my weight is still too low and i am sad, i want it to go up fast, but at the same time i really, really dont!

im not too sure how im managing to stay so storng for so long =/ i think iv just seen what i want i and i am not going to give up, i am very determined and when i want something i will work to get it. Its a bit like im using my anorexic thoughts, like needing to be the best, to be the best ever person at recovey, wierd, i know.

Im sorry about your whole incident at the table. Me and the ed girl eat in a sepparate room to everyone else because we are too slow, if we are not in the time limit then its supplement drinks =( Its good that youu have worked your way back to the big table. i dont think you went backwards, just had a little blip, i had one when i had flu too, but i think as we get better we recover faster from our blips.

Char, do not feel guilty. we are frineds and i love to help you and i love to hear about how youve been, you know ui rant a lot too. I love talking to you, you have really helped me through so much stuff and i really appreciate that. We have been with eachother through a lot of stuff and i will never give up on you, so you shouldnt give up on yourself either!!

I have made a plan for the 4 weeks i have left before my holiday and i have a lot to do! i had my first snack at home today and it went well =) but i need to have a meal here with my mum, meals at home, nights at home, go to resteraunts and cafes, try eating off my meal plan, eat in the big didning room, not be on supervision and maybe even be transferred to day service, all before my holiday!!!! i think it is going to be tough. Im so proud of you for getting more leave, my little fighter =) Use it well and reward yourself because you have done something really good and really hard, please give youself some credit, you deserve it!

Anyway lovely, be good this week, keep getting more leave so you can come and talk to me =) be happy about your periods (im happy for you) and give yourself a break.

i love you so mcuh and think about you all the time!! thankyou!!

love beth xoxo

posted: 03.08.2009
message:

big hugs charlie! i missed yr post hun...so didnt know about IP ...so sorry!

how is it going sweetie? r u ok?

keep fighting, i know u can do it!remember that there is a fantastic life waiting for u at the other end of this illness, u CAN beat it!

always here for u hunny.

lots of love and smiles

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 08.08.2009
message:

hi

beth... *hugs* sweetie i am thinking about u loads to and i reali worry about you as well!!!! i am wishing u all the luck in the world and i no u can do this huni u just have to believe in urself!!!

thanku huni u have been here for me so much oa the past few months!!! i honestly would have been lost without u -  have helped me far more than u realise!!! it helps so much to hear that other people have faith in me - becuase i dont awlays have faith in myself!!! i enjoy helping you too - u have been such an inspiration to me ova the past few weeks and i so pleased for u that u are reali starting to make some progress!!! it shows that determination reali pays off!!!! u have given me the drive to keep going when i have thought about giving up!!! i love u so much babes!!!!!

i no deep down that my periods coming bk is a reali gd thing it just shocked me so much!!! it had been soooo long since my last one and even my nurse was a bit surprised that they came bk when they did!!! i think it just reminded me how much weight i have put on and the fact that i am actually getting better and i do reali want to get better but a part of me is so scared to leave the ED behind me!!!! your periods will b back soon if u keep working the way u are at the moment!!! it is reali gd that u can look at them coming bk as a positive thing!!!

i no just what u mean about wanting ur weight to go up as fast as possible so u can get ur life bk and get out of hospital but at the same time u dont want it to go up at all!!! i think it is natural to fell this way!!! at least part of u does want it to go up and that is the part that u have to listen to - that is the part of u that will make you happy!!!!

it is so gd that u are still managing to stay so strong huni, i am sooo proud of you!!! you have made such massive progress ova the past few weeks - this is what is going to get u out of there and let u go on holiday!!! i understand what u mean about using ur anorexic thoughts to ur advantage!!!! u can b the best at recovery - the determination u are showing now is one of the bet characteristics that u can have, u can do anything that u put ur mind to (just try not to make it ana)!!!!!

i had another little blip this week and ended up having to have some of my meals on a seperate table again!!!! i wa so frustrated with myself it took so long for me to work my way bk on to the main table and then i managed to go and mess it up again!!!! but once again i am bk on the main table and this time i am reali determined not to end up on a seperate table again!!!!

like u said you have a lot to try and acheive before you go off on holiday but i no u can do it!!! u have made so mch progress and u know what u want and u are doing what u have to do to get there!!! i am so pleased that ur snack at home went well!!! that is brilliant sweetie i am so proud of u!!! like u said a meal is now the next step and i no u can manage that too!!! these are all little steps towards ur holiday!!! when u do manage to get there it reali will b worth it and u should  proud of urself!!!

i can manage to feel proud of myself sometimes if i manage to challenge myself with a food choice or something!!!because i no that this time a couple of months ago i would have been able to do it and i no that it means i am managing to be stornger than the ana but often the ana still slips in aferwards and makes me feel awful for having done it and i wish i havent!!!!

i am enjoying having a bit more leave!!! i think the more time i spend at home and the higher my weight gets the more i am allowed when i am on leave and the more little bits of my life i can start to pick up again it reminds me why i am doin this and fightin the ana!!! i am starting reali slowly to get bk little bits of the person i used to b!!! i hadnt realised how much the anorexia had taken ova and destroyed things until i have started to get bk little bits of it!!!! i still have so much further to go to get bk to the person i was before the anorexia but i guess it is a step in the right direction!!!!

becuase i am finding it so hard as an inpatient and am slipping bk in to a few bad habits being surrounded by other people with ana they have finally agreed as long as my weight gain stays on track that i can become a day patient in 2 weeks even tho its much sooner than they first said!!! i am so surpised!!! i am reali looking forward to being allowed to live at home again but i also a bit worried about it as i am not sure if i am readi because i am still having massive problems with the ana thoughts and i feel like they are getting worse again at the moment!!!

i am also quite worried because my CAMHs counsellor that i got on reali well with and who i felt was reali starting to help me look at the problems that caused the ana isnt going to b there when i get out of hospital!!! she is leaving the hospital outpitent services that i go to!!! i am reali worried that when i come out i will relapse and i reali reali dont want to!!!! i am trying to stay as positive as i can though at the moment!!!!

how are you doin??? hope everything is going ok and u are managing to stay so positive!!! u can beat this!!! thinkin of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!! love u loads x x x x x x

juliette...*hugs* omg huni it has been so long since we have spoken!!!

yeh i have been IP for about 2 months now!!! it has been so up and down!!! 2 days after going into the unit i ended up in A & E as my digestive system stopped!!! it scared me so much but lookin bk on it now i think it was quite a gd thing that it happened as it showed me just how bad things had got and made me fight so much harder against ana!!! i was in hospital for too long before i ws bk at the unit - i think i have managed to come away from it without any lasting damage which i no i am extremely luck about!!!

after going bk to the unit i gt threatened with being moved to a different unit miles away from where i live and being tube feed if i could get my weight up quickly!!! i was so determined not to get tube feed and managed to stay at the unit and have now put on x weight since first coming in!!!!

hopefully i will b allowed to move to day patient in a few weeks as i am finding it reali hard being surrponded by loads of other girls with ana!!! i have made some great friends here and some of the girls have been so amazingly supportie but some of the girls here reali dont want to get better and they are quite hard to b around as they have an awful lot of unhelpful behaviours that i am trying to stop myself doin!!!!

i will b glad to move to day patient and i no it is a step closer to getting my life bk but i am worried about relapsing when i leave!!! in some way i dont feel like my time here has helped me that much n other ways i no it saved my life!!! being am IP is one of the hardest things i think i have ever had to do!!!

how have u been???how is everything going??? hope u are ok and u are lookin after urself!!!! thinkin of u!!! love u loads x x x x x

 

thanks for replying - my thoughts are with u both

stay strong and keep fightin

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x

posted: 13.08.2009
message:

CHar you are the most supportive peson ever and i am so so greatful to you. IM sorry that you dont have faith in yourself all the time. I always will believe in you and will never give up hope for you!!

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you putting on all that weight so fast. But in a funnny way i sort of wish i had. Im still about the same weight i was when i came in. I dont know how, my meal plan is so so so big and im always sure that ive gained way too mcuh, and then it crepps up by like a tiny tiny amount. I cant do it anymore, theres no way i can eat more. At least my consultant is understanding though, she knows im doing well mentally and i got oveverninght leave this weekend, but only for dinner and breakfast and evening snack. I wanted more. I also get to start preparing meals for myself and going to resteraunts. I think my anorexic habits are improving, which is good.  Do you feel like your habits are changing at all? You are so right about listenning to the part of you that is really you and will make you happy. But you need to listen to yourself char. I hope you feel okay, i know you have been finding things difficult, but ive been thinking. I think its good to challenge yourself because that means you are really making the ana angry and defeating it =)

I went to the cafe with a nurse, it was a bit hard, but i did it and lived to tell the tale, so now i feel quite proud of myself (although very shocked i didnt gain loads of weight) I dont know what will happen about my holiday =( i really want to go back to school in september. Do you think you will be able to go to sixth form? If your a day patient, then wont you be able to leave sometimes?

Im sorry about your blip, but remember everyone has them and they are only natural. I had a little on yesterday. BUt we got through it didnt we? we are very strong and that is what we both need to focus on, the truth and the positives!

Wow char! im so proud of you for being able to make challengin food choices, because thats you! its char and not ana and its amazing so well done. I can understand how you feel afterwards, i get that a lot too. But the point is you did it, for a little bit of time you were in control of your life and not ana, which i think is an achievement. Feel proud honey... and i think it will get easier!

Im so happy that you are starting to return to your old self a bit. I think being in a bospital environment, you forget what life outside is like and because you are just thinking about ana all the time it is hard to be yourself and you forget how good it is outside. Keep focussed char, you are doing so well so just dont forget what you want =)

Im sorry that your ana thoughts are getting worse, you dont deserve it, but im sure you will get stronger again soon, dont give up hope! It will be great for you to live at home, but also challenging because you wont have a lot of support so you will have to be really brave and do things for youself, which i am finding scary even as i type it. But i think you can do it, just make the most of ip now, make as much progress as you can and dont waste any time.

Im sorry about your camhs counciller too, nut there are lots of supportive people, and failing that... you'll always have me =)

Must go and have my snack now, i love you so mcuh baby, keep going!! how have you been? stay strong and be good, you can do this =)

loads of love beth xoxo

posted: 14.08.2009
message:

Hi charlie!!!

OMG hunny! are you ok? how come yr digestive system stopped? HUGS!!!

glad if helped u to fight hunny...thats really really good.

w r u doing at the moment sweetie? i cant believe we havent spoken in so long!!!

WELL DONE for managing to put on weight hunny...im so proud of u!!!

so glad that you have made friends and feel supported ... thats great!

eek! pls try to keep away from those girls who make things harder! i know its hard in IP...but yr doing sooooo well, dnt let any1 drag u down hunny!

hope u manage to get to day patients soon :) u can do it sweetie! there will b lots of support in day patients...and they will give u outpatientsupport after that hun...i know u can do this!!!   if u fl like yr relapsing tho, PLEASE ask for help straight away b4 anorexia gets a stronger hold. you r so amazing hunny...u can doo this! i belireve in u

IP must have been soo hard...but you have done it!!! yr doing it every day! you can keep going gorgeous!!!

im good thanks char...off to uni in sept!!! eek!!!

how r u hunny?

always here for u

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 14.08.2009
message:

hi

beth... *hugs* huni u are so supporotive to me too!!! love u loads huni!!! it reali helps that  u have faith in me - the ana is very gd at convincing me that i cant fight this!!!!

i have had a reali up and down week!!! we had to do cooking - i found it sooooo hard and it brought up loads of feelings that i didnt think it would!!! i also spent some more time on a seperate table which wasnt gd but am bk on the main table again!!!! but i have been allowed to go horse riding for half an hour this weekend (havent been allowed to ride in 10 months) and i am reali reali looking forward to it!!!!!

i have found putting the weight on so fast reali hard to deal with!!! i had maintained such a low weigth for sooo long that i had got reali used to my body being that way and i have found the changes reali reali hard to deal with!!!!

i no in some ways it must b reali frustrating that u still arent much heavier than when u first went in but think about how much ur thinking has changed since then - u have come miles!!! the weight is going up (even if it is slow) u are going in the right direction and that is great huni!!! i am sooo proud of u!!!! it is reali gd that ur consultant is understanding and can c that u are doing a lot better mentally!!! u are getting so much closer to getting out of there!!!

that is soooooo gd that u have overnite leave and that u can start going to resturants and preparing ur own food etc. you have come so far sweetie!!! i no u might want to do more but i r still doing sooo much!!! i reali want to tackle eating out in a resturant because i havent done it in so long but i am sooo scared about it!!! i think my nurse is going to take me out to a cafe for one of my snacks this weekend which i am reali worried about!!!!

it is reali gd that u think ur anorexic habits are improving!!! i am so proud of u!!! i think at the moment mine are reali getting worse and worse!!! it is horrid feeling i feel like i am just moving backwards at the moment!!! i find it so hard to sit down at the moment i spend as much time as i can on my feet and when i am sat down i am reali reali restless - i havent been as bad as this for ages and i dont want to go bk to how i was b4!!!

i am still trying to challenge myself when i can but i havent been able to that much this week as the ED has been reali reali strong!!!!

yeh i am hoping that i will b able to go to sixth form in sept even if it is onli part time to start with!!! i reali hope u get to go on ur holiday - u reali deserve it u have worked soooooo hard!!!!

yeh everybody does have blips and i no even tho i am finding things reali hard at the moment things have to easier sooner or later and i do reali want to get better!!!! i no things can b better than this!!!

i think my CAMHs counsellor is coming into the unit this week to have a meeting with me b4 she leave so i am sort of looking forward to seein her again!!!!!

how are you doing???? hope everything is going ok and u are manageing to stay positive!!! u reali are doing so well!! thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!! love u loads x x x x

 juliette... *hugs* i no huni it has been soooo long since we have spoken!!! it is reali gd to hear from u!!!! have been thinking about u and hope ur doing ok!!!!

the past week has been reali up and down!!! we had to do cooking which went awfully!!!! i found it so hard!!! but they have let me go horse riding for half an hour on my leave this weekend which i am so happy about!!! i love riding and used to ride at least once a week but i havent been allowed to do it for ova 10 months!!!! i cant wait!!!! 

when i first went into the unit i was put on suplement drinks and the doctors just thing they were too concentrated for my body and it couldnt cope so my digestive system just gave up!!!! it was pretty scary - it made me realise just how bad things had got!!! i no i have been so lucky to come away from it without any real lasting damage!!!

i have put on  weight since i have come into the unit - at the moment i think my mind is still trying to catch up with my body at the moment!!! i had sat at such a low weight for such a long time i had got so used to how my body was so i have found the changes reali hard to deal with!!!!

yeh i have made some reali great friends here and i will miss them so much when i leave but some of the girls here reali dont want to get better and they are sooo hard to b around!!!! in the unti u r constantly surrounded by anorexia and it makes it even harder to try and b normal!!!!

i reali reali want to get too day patient now!!! part of me reali doesnt feel like i am readi but i feel like being at the unit at the moment is making things even harder because being around some of the other girls is making me slip bk into old habits!!!! i want to say to someone that i dont feel readi to become a day patient but i dont want them to keep me as a day patient any longer becuase im not sure if that will help!!! i feel so lost at the moment!!!!

i am worried about relapsing when i leave here but i do reali reali want to get better and i am fighting so hard!!! even tho i no i still have a long way to go i no i have come a long way since i first came into hospital!!!!!! i guess i can just takeit one day at a time!!!!

wow off to uni soon, thats great huni!!!! r u feelin gd about it???? i reckon it can b a bit nerve racking to start with but u are going to have the time of ur life!!!!! i wish u all the best hun u are going to do sooooo well - u reali deserve to have fun sweetie!!!!

how are u doing???? hope ur doing ok and u are looking after urself!!!! thinking of u loads and wshing u all the luck in the world!!!! love u loads x x x x x

 

thanks to both of u for replying - please please look after urselves

stay strong and keep fighting

always here for you

love u loads

char x x x x x x

posted: 23.08.2009
message:

Char! i cant b dealing with all these posts! i dont go on beat enough, but i dont want to lose contact with you! can we just use the 'inpatient unit =( bye huys will miss you' post please. thanks honey much love xoxo

posted: 24.08.2009
message:

hi char :) how u doing hunny? im doing ok thanks :) got discharged from OP this week cos im off to uni and its not funded or something lol :D eeek! hugs hunny! i bet cooking was hard!!!well done for doing it though sweetie!!!soooooo glad u got to do horse riding :) hope it was fuuun :) 
where was i???oh! soooooooo glad u got away without lasting damage...and really sorry u were so ill! hugs!!!how r u doing atm hunny? well done for putting on weight sweetie :) so proud of u!!! your mind will catch up in time...keep going :D u can do it! it will get easier hunny!HUGS! hope those girls manage to fight towards recovery hunny...and hope u can keep going even though they r triggering u...it must b so hard! u can do it tho...i believe in u!big hugs hunny! u can do this!!! can u talk to someone about how the other girls make u feel?pls make sure you have enough support so that wen u leave u will b less likely to relapse. i am so so so proud of u for fighting so hard to get better! i know how hard it is...you can do it!!!thats right :) one day at a time is a good way to look at it :) keep taking little steps towards a healthy happy life :D u can do it!!!i'm doing ok and looking after myself :)always here for u hunny :) love u lots!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 25.08.2009
message:

yeh sure huni!!! love u loads x x x x

posted: 27.08.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* sweetie it is so nice to b chatting to u again - it has been far to long and i have missed u!!!!

that is reali gd that u have been discharged - u must b doing reali well!!! do u feel readi to go without support???? are u exctied about goin off to uni??? it is so gd that u are able to go; u are goin to have so much fun!!! im so pleased to hear that u are doin ok at the moment and looking after urself!!! u are an inspiration sweetie!!!

as of tuesday i am now a day patient - i finally moved my stuff out of the unit on friday!!! i am still going in durin the day but i am now living at home which i way prefer as it means that i dont spend as much time around some of the girls that reali dont want to get better and were making things reali hard in the unit!!! but i am treading on egg shells as they are thinking of pulling me bk in as things havent reali gone very well this week!!!

my weight had dropped quite a bit ova the weekend and my mum had taken me out to a cafe to eat out for the first time and i didnt manage to finish as i was given a portion that i thought was absolutely massive!!!

i had to do cooking again this week and it involved frying food which i found extremely hard - i didnt manage to complete my meal which i was reali frustrated about but the anorexia just took ova and i couldnt do it!!!!

when i gt discharged from the unit i will go bk to CAMHs for a while but as i am going to b 17 soon they will start to look at transfering me on to the adult services in the next year!!! i am reali worried about it becuase the adult services at my local hospital are reali bad!!! i have a friend who has been going to them and she has just been admitted ip cause things have gone down hill so far!!! i no this is my chance to beat this - i reali dont want to relapse when i get out!!! i do reali want to get better but even tho i have put on weight things are still just as bad in my head and the thoughts seem to b going bk worse than ever at the moment!!!

yeh riding was reali gd!! i think it helps me when i am able to do things like that - it reminds me what i am fighting for!!!! 

 i am being allowed to go on holiday for a few days if i have managed to maintain my weight when i get weighed tomorrow!!! i reali hope i am able to go!!!

how are u doin???? hope everything is goin ok and u are enjoying ur time b4 u o off 2 uni!!!! thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!!

stay strong and keep fightin

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x  

posted: 06.09.2009
message:

hi charlie :)

how r udoin hunny? i missed u! sorru i didnt reply before...was on holiday

ye...woo! discharge...still a wierd feeling! well... hw to explain...

ok

im not ill enough to go to inpatients...but outpatients doesnt give the support i need to recover...so as its adult services, they put the decisions onto me...so i could either decide to gain weight only having 1 appointment every month...or go it alone...i chose alone... but i can go back as soon as i'm 'ready' :)

im not totally alone...i still have a social worker who is really really nice :) and uni promised to give me as much support as they can :)

so...ye...in nswer to yr question...i dunno!!! am i doing well? i suppose i am...lol

hugs! sorry for the random outpour of craziness!

how r u ding hunny? i hope yr ok and IP is going well etc :)

eeeeek! i move into my room on thursday!!! i am VERY excited and VERY VERY nervous...i havent looked after myself fo about 3 years! and now its time to see if i can do it!

i feel lucky to be able to go :) i've missed it the last two years and now anorexia isnt going to stop me!!!!

awwwwwwww hugs am i really an isoiration? lol...HUGS

i suppose i hav found out that there is more important things than ana...and u have to keep yr dreams in mind and try to control ana so u can acheive them!

how r u doing in recovery? hope yr k hunny! u deserve so much to get better!

wow yey! well done hunny! how r u feeling about being a day patient? thats good that u can keep away from the girls who make recovery harder...i hope they manage to get better too tho!

oh no hun! y havent things gone well? hugs!!! u can do it sweetie!!! keep fighting against the anorexia...u can do it!!!

hugs hugs hugs u CAN do it!!!

make the most out of camhs hunny...i miss camhs so much! for me adults isnt that bad...but its diferent from camhs! please keep fighting!!! i believe in u hunny!

i hope yr friend beats it too! does she know about beat? maybe she could get sme support from here too?

keep yr thoughts as thoughts...dont turn them into actions...i kno thats really hard! but once u find out that the world doesnt end with weight gain and alot of the ana thoughts arent true...she will slowly start to give up. it takes a long long time...but u can do it hunny!!! dont let ana win...you are so much better than her! HUGS!!!!

 

glad riding was good :) keep doing things like that to remind u of what life can be like :)

good luck with the weight! did u manage to go on holiday?

i am ok thanks...was a hard week on holiday...eating more than usual...eating out...eating in front of family friends that i dont really know so well....eeek!

always here for u sweetie. u can do this! thinking of u!! HUGS!!! yr amazing :)

love u!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 12.09.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* huni thanks so much for replying!!! u r always so kind me and u always no the right thing to say!!! u are amazing sweetie thank you sooo much!!! i hope u enjoyed ur holiday!!!

yeh i bet the thought of discharge is strange!!! it is so frustrating that adult services offer so little support!!! when i get out of ip i will b with camhs for a little while then they will start looking at transferring me to adult services!!! i hope u r able to cope - at least u have the knowledge that u can go bk to them if u need to and u have ur social worker as well!!! i reali hope things work out for u - u reali deserve to b happy and free of this!!! it does sound like u are doing reali well - i no u can beat this sweetie u just need to believe in urself!!!

yeh it must b so exciting but also nerve-racking going off to uni!!! it is so amazing that u are able to go!!! i am so proud of u not letting the anoerxia stop u going!!! it will b hard lookin ater urself but i no u can do!!! it is so gd that u can see there are far more important things than the ana!!! sometimes i can c how much better off i am now than i was 6 months ago but sometimes i find it reali hard to c and i can feel the ana trying to drag me bk!!!

im sorry to hear u have had a hard week - i no eating out is so stressful!! i have onli just started to go out to cafes for snacks for the first time in about 11 months (i had to it was the onli way they would let me on holiday)!!! i found it reali awful to start with but hopefully the more i do it the more i will get used to it and the easier it will get!!! hang in there huni u reali are doing sooo well!!!! 

i have now been a day patient for a few weeks!!! the first few weeks didnt go too well and they threaten to pull me bk in as an ip!!! i have sort of managed to get things bk on track a bit more but i am still strugglin quite a bit at atm!!!

i have been bk at sixth form this week and onli going into he unit a few afternoons a week which has been pretty stressful!!! i have found it reali hard not to slip bk into old habits when i am at school and not supervised when i eat!!! i dont want to go bkwards but i am finding it reali hard to fight!!!

i was allowed to go on holiday but it was very tuch and go if they were going to let me or not!!! i am so glad i was able to go!! it was sooo gd to b able to get away from the unit for a bit!!! me and my friend had a reali gd time!! my weight onli dropped a tiny bit ova the week i was away which both me and the unit were quite impressed with!!! = )

i have been given a prosed discharge date for the end of the months as lon as i reach my target by then!!! i reali want to get out of there but i am reali worried what will happen then!!!! sorry im reali not feeling to positve at the moment!!! i feel like the unit has just help me put weight on but not done anthing to sort out the problem behind it!!!

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are doing ok!!! thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!!!

stay strong and keep fighting

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x

posted: 14.09.2009
message:

hi char :)

my holiday was good except for food :) thanks hunny, yr sooooooo kind

oh good luck hunny!!! get as much out of camhs as u can :) then u will b more prepared for adults :)

dont worry about me hunny :) i'll be ok :) ive managed most of this year without them...and i still have my social worker so im not alone :)

you can beat this too hunny! keep fighting i believe in u!!!

i'm so so glad to be going to uni this year...i think is made it more special missing out this last 2 yrs...i appreciate it alot  :) i am scared tho but im sure ill be ok :)

wot dou want in life hnny? if u make a list of things, u could look at it when ana is trying to drag u down again... life with ana is rubbish...its not always easy fighting it...(well its never easy...but it gets easier) but life without anna is soooooooooooooo much better!!! freedom and friends and fun :)

well done for eating out hunny!!! so so proud of u!!! it gets easier i promise! i can now happily sit in * with * or something...i like it even!!! i dont think i could eat bought food from there yet, but i sometimes bring my lunch and have it with * :)

wow! well sdone!!!how is being a day patient going hunny? so proud of u!!!well done for getting back o track :) keep fighting hun, u can do it!!! remember theres much more to life than ana :) im thinking of u hunny...i know u can do it...i believe in u!!! big hugs!!1

wow how is 6th form? it must be really really hard at school to eat properly...keep going tho...im so proud of u hunny!!! try to see food as ammunition against ana...each mouthful is a shot at anna...eventually she will leave u alone :) im soooooooooooo proud of u!!!

glad u had a great holiday :) And a really big WELL DONE for only dropping a tiny bit WELL DONE!!!!!

good luck with meetin yr target and gettin discharged! mixed emotions are to be expected...remember its onwards and upwards :D you can do it!!! and if u need the extra support u can always go bac can u?

oh hunny!!! i really hope that camhs will help sort out the things behind the weight...love u hun so much! big hugs!!!

im ok :) feeling a it wierd about uni...but excited too!!! i know wot u mean about helping u gain weight but not sortin the problems behind it...hugs!!! im always here if u want to talk to me :)

semding u happy magic fairy dust and giving ana a kick up the bum for u!!!

stay strong :)

love and hugs from juliette

xxxxxxx

posted: 16.09.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* huni thanks so much for replying - i always love reading ur posts u always no the right thing to say and u are so supportive i would b lost without u!!!

im reali pleased to hear that u had a gd holiday (apart from the food) - u reali deserve to be happy and enjoy urself!!!! dont let ana stop u from having a gd time and living the life that u want!!!!

it is gd that u are still going to have ur social worker at least u will have some support!!! just if u notice things gettin worse try and tell people around u - dont suffer in silence, u deserve so much better and dont let ana work her way bk in even deeper!!!

it is so gd that u are able to go off to uni - that in itself is an achievement!!! u should b proud of urself - if ana had her way u most definately b in no fit state to go!!! it is going to b scary but it such an amazing opportunity - dont let ana hold u bk!!! this is a new start!!!!

yehi reali do want to get as much as i can out of CAMHs as i have a friend who goes to the adult services that i will move to and they havent been any help to her and she has now ended up as an ip!!!! i no it is my chance to beat it - i want to leave this behind me - but i just cant imagine things ever being any different from how they are now!!!

there is so much i want to do with my life and i no that the ana will never let me get to the places that i want or do the things that i love - yet i am so easily drawn bk to it!!!! i hate it - it is so frustrating i am so desperate to get better but it keeps trying to pull me bk!!! everybody keeps telling me that the closer u get to a healthy weight the clearer ur thunkin become and the easier it is to fight the ana but at the moment it just seems to b getting harder and harder!!! i am onli slightly underweight now - all the unit has help me do is put on weight in my head everything still feels the same as when i was at my lowest!!! = (

it is reali gd that u are becoming more confident eating out!!! i dont think i have done it enough yet but i hope if i keep challeneing it it will get easier with time!!!

it still feels strange being a day a patient even though it has beena few weeks now!!! even though i reali didnt like being ip there was something reali safe and secure about being in the unit!!! i struggled a lot when i first came out and my weight started going down and down and they threatened to pull me bk in as an ip but at the moment i am managing to maintain which is an improvement!!! 

it has been gd getting bk to sixth form but i have found it so hard as well!!! it is so hard not being supervised while i eat!!!! it is reali hard not to slip bk into bad habits!!!!

my proposed discharge is gettin close now part if me is desperate to get out of there and part of me is worried about what will happen after i have left!!! if i relapse after this i probably wont end up going bk to the same unit again as it is an adolesent unit and i am going to b 17 soon and they do take 17 year olds but onli if it an emergency - so if i need to go ip again it will b an adult unit!!!!

how are u doing???? hope everything is going ok and u are lookin after urself!!! thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the word for uni!!!! it is going to b fine and u are going to have an amazing time!!!!

stay strong huni and keep fighting

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x

posted: 19.09.2009
message:

hi char :)

its lovey to get posts from u :) i love that they are always loooong hehe :)

dont worry hunny :) if i start struggling, i'll get more help... i've worked too hard to get here...i'm not gonna throw it away in a hurry :)

eek! i hope yr frind gets better! thats horrible that she doesnt get good support from adults :( hugs!

its sooooo goood to hear that you want to leave ana behind and want to beat this...you WILL get there hunny :) keep fighting :) i  believe in you totally!

Its so true that ana will hold u back if she gets her own way. i know its so so so hard, but you will get there :)

could you write a list of all the things u want to do that wont be possible with ana and then keep it somewhere like on yr mirror...so when anna lies and says yr fat etc, u can read the list and gain that little bit extra strength to ignore her and fight against her?

I dont think it gets eeasier as u gain weight... anna is strongest when yr gaining... but it WILL get easier! once u are maintaining a healthy weight and have tackled some thoughts and belieft that anna gives u that arent true...like 'if you are a helathy weight nobody will like u' or 'there's nothing more important than weight' etc... once these get disproved, ana will lose her grip

i'm so so so proud of u hunny. i really am. this is the hardest bit...but keep going and you'll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel :)

have u done any CBT? its good for challenging ana thoughts :) ive just started it with my social worker and im gonna carry on by myself....its something you can do on yr own too...so if adult services are rubbish, you can still progress by helping yrself :)

keep trying to eat out if u can... it doesnt have to be meals, but maybe get a *and chat with a friend? it helps yr brain to remember that food and drink can be enjoyable.  you could even start with just a *...and wwork up to other drinks/snacks... - its just to allow yr habits to go back t normal :)

i can understand wot u mean about the unit being safe... u had someone there 24/7 so it is understandable that its hard being a day patient... but it will get easier :)

well done for maintaining hunny :) thats great :) keep fighting ana so u can  get healthier and happier :) you can do it!

i bet it was hard ging back to 6th form!!! you can do it though!!! i believe in u! keep remembering that old ana habits will just make u ill and unhappy and trapped in IP again... try seeing food as yr key to a happy future :) without it, you cant have a future..with it, you can face your life strong and well  :) you deserve to be happy hunny :) dnt let ana take that away from u.

i really hope u dnt have to g back into IP once u leave! good luck for discharge hunny :) will u still be an out patient? you can do it!

i'm good thanks :) managed to gain a bit of weight...and i feel ok about it i think :) i'm at uni now and so far its good :) hard not slipping bac tho !!! but i refuse to let ana prevent me having a future!

i am trhinking about u lots and lots! always here for you hunny :)

how r u?

big hugs! keep fighting!

love from juliette

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 25.09.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* sweetie it is really gd that u have a support network if u do start to strugle but at the moment it sounds like u are doing amazingly!!! i am soooo proud of u - u have come such a long way!!!!! it is so gd that u can regonise that u have come a long way and u dont want to go backwards!!! u are winning the war against ana!!!!!

writing the list of things i want sounds like areali gd idea!!! thanks huni!! i think it will help to have things reminding me why i am fightin cause at the moment i think i have lost sight f them a bit!!!!

i reali hope u are right that once u get to a healthy weight ana will start to lose!!! i am so nearly at my target weight now - i have reached the target the unit set for discharge and i am expectd to put on a little bit more weight with camhs to reach my final target weight!!! at the moment though its difficult.

i havent done any CBT before!! the unit hasnt reali done any work with me about helping me to challenge the thoughts and deal with ana they have just helped me to put the weight on!!! i was meant to b doing bereavement work with my psychologist looking at my dads death (as that is what triggered my eating disorder)  but i have onli had 2 half an hours sessions in the 4 months i have been at the unit!!!! im reali glad to here that the CBT is working for u - i might have to look into that as i am not reali gettin anywhere at the moment and when i leave the unit i am not going to have anymore counsellin!!!

i do reali want to challenge myself and keep trying to have little bits of food out i think i am just a bit freaked out about it at the moment!!!!

sixth form is still quite hard at the moment but i reali want to keep going i am hopeing that i will start to get bk into a routine with it and it wont feel sooooo strange anymore!!! i reali dont want to waste anymore of my time in hospitals!!!

i am meant to b gettin discharged on tuesday but i might have messed that up as i have had a bad week!!!! i wont find out if they are going to let me go until monday!!!!

i do reali want to get better but at the moment it feels like a struggle!!!! i do reali want to beat this but i am just finding it sooo hard at the moment and i dont know what to do!!!! i am gettin no support from the unit - i feel like they have just made me the weight on but not done anything at all to sort out the problem behind it!!!!

sorry i am being sooooo negative but i just dont no what to do at the moment!!!

that is reali reali gd that u have managed to put on a little bit of weight!!! it must be hard at uni not to slip with it but like u said u dont want the anorexia to stop you doing what u want with ur life!!!!

how r u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! u are doing sooo well sweetie u have come so far!!! i no u will beat this!!! thinking af you loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!!!

stay strong and keep fighting

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x <3

posted: 27.09.2009
message:

hello charley :)

hahaha thanks...i dnt feel like im winning the ana war...but i suppose i am :) we'll get there. i had a wobble in the middle of the week ...i hope things dont start going crazy again   :(  i'm ok as long as im in control of my body...but when i'm not and it just gains weight for no reason it scres me so so much and i cant do anything to stop it :( its a stupid metabolism thing i think

eeek sorry for the rant!!!

how did u get on with the list? did it help sweetie?

keep looking forwards to all the things u want to do and keep nasty ana thoughts away :P

well done for nearly reaching yr target weight hunny!!! thats great! WELL DONE!!!!!! soooo soooo proud of u!

how do u feel about it?

hope your ana is losing!!! she needs to die!!!!! she has hurt u for too long...this is your chance to kck her up the bum for good :) you can do it darlin!

keep fighting hunny bee! you can do it!

i think once u stop having to gain things will get easier...as long as u make suere u dnt lose...cos then u will have to gain again and it jst makes ana stronger :S

icant believe the unit hasnt done any work with u about challenging houghts etc. weight gain is important in fighting ana, but its not all...the thoughts are more important. if they just focus on weight u wont be 'better' coz ana can still rule yr mind. i really hope camhs do lots of work with u hun!!!!!!! 

oh hugs hunny! so sorry about yr dad :( HUGS!!!! 1 hour in 4 months???? thats STUPID!!! boo to them!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

please do look into CBT :) maybe camhs can do it with u?

WELL DONE for having little bits of food out :) im so proud of u sweetheart! thats a really big step :) WELL DONE BIG HUGS :)

keep challenging yrself but dnt push too hard :) take it at yr own pace sweetie :)

its good u dnt wanna waste time in hospitals...tho remember if u need hem they r good :)

keep on with 6th form :) you can do it lovely :)

so sorry u had a bad week. remember past is the past and just concentrate on having a better week this time :)

love u!!! keep fighting sweetie :)

im doing ok :) not eating as much as i should...but my weight isnt reflecting that. i suppose thats a good thing...but i dont see itas good atm :S SORRY!!!!

love u so so much :)

you will beat this beautiful!!!

always here for u!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 29.09.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* love u loads huni!!! thanks for replying!!!

im sorry to hear that u havent had a great week!!! i no what u mean!!! i no it is scary when ur weight goes up but u have to keep keep reminding urself that it reali is a gd thing and it is gettin u one step closer to gettin rid of the ana and gettin ur life bk!!!

i still have a bit more weight to put on with camhs ut i have reached the target that the unit set me to get discharged!!!! i was meant to b gettin discharged on tues but they are postponing it!!! i have worked so hard to get there but they have said that they dont think i am readi to go!!!!

i thinki will find it easier to cope with just maintainin

i am worried although i am pretty much at a healthy weight now things are still bad in my head!!!! when i get bk to camhs i dont think i am going to have any counsellin there either  my old counsellor has left and i am onli going to b seein a nurse and my consultant!!! i dont no what to do!!!! i think my mum might lok into me seeina private counsellor and mayb look into the CBT too

i did make a list of things that i reali wanted to do and that ana wouldnt let me - it did help a bit!! it reminds me what i am fighting for and how much i have going for me!!!! it frustrates me that i cant get myself better - i no there is so much out there waiting for me!!!

i have put challenegeing stuff on hold for now cause i am struggling at the moment!!! i no i need to keep trying it but i am just trying to give myself a bit of  abreak at the moment!!!

sixth form is going okish - i am still finding it quite hard being bk but i am enjoying being bk with my friends!!! how is uni????? hope u ar ehaving an amazing time!!!! = )

i no it might not feel like a gd thing that ur weight isnt going down but it reali reali is!!!!! if ur weight drops now it is just going to make everything soooo much worse - i no the ana tells u that it will b better if u lose weight but it reali will just ruin everything!!!! u want to b able to stay at uni and do the things u want !!!! please please try hard not to slip bk!!!!

how r u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are looking after urself!!!!! thinkin of u loads and wishing u all the luck i the world!!!! u can do this sweetie u have come such a long way - i am sooooo proud of u!!! dont ever give up huni!!!

stay strong and keep fightin

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x x

posted: 07.10.2009
message:

hello little angel :) how r u hun?

thats so true...each weight gain is a step closer to life...but like u said, it's hard to think like that. i'll keep reminding myself tho hun :)

oh thats awful! why did they postpone yr discharge hunny? hugs! keep going forwards- u can do it!!! love u!

oh hunny u really do need to get proper help at camhs...not just being weighed. get your mum to fight for u! they should give u another counsellor at least! dont let them leave u after you have got this far!!!!!

its good that yr mum is looking into a private counsellon and CBT :) good luck!!!!

well done for making that list :D i'm proud of u hunny :) glad it helped a little bit :) wjat sort of things did u put on it? (only if u dnt mind saying)

it's true there is so much out there...but remember u cant just magically get better- dont expect too much of yourself hunny. you WILL get better, but it wont be instantly...but if u have things to work towards it will make it more managable :) are there any things on your list that u can do now/soon?

that sounds like a good idea to put some things on hold hun...dnt overwhelm yourself. hugs!!! wish i could make it better for u hun!

breaks are good...just try not to slip back. :) you can do it gorgeous!

thts great that you are enjoying being with friends and that 6th form is ok. it is hard...so dnt feel bad if u struggle :)

last week was....pants really hehe...well, no it wasnt...it was very mixed. i was lowwwwwww!!! BUT i have LOTS of support here...they are amazing! and the people in my house are nice too :)

i had a really bad day on friday

i went home really upset...but in a way it was good...2 ppl in my house knew i was really upset and came to see me and said they knew about my s/h and that they are there for me :) 1 knows about ana too...so i feel alot more 'safe' here now.

if that makes any sense??? :P

ive started my course now and i'm enjoying it :) i dont think i'm slipping back...dont worry lovely- i have lots of support here :D

i couldnt sleep tonight and was sorting through my photos...and came accross my 18th birthday ones...it showed me how far i have come...and scared me a little bit...thanks for sayiing that you are proud of me :) it means alot :)

how r things for u?

hope you are ok!

sending a big WELL DONE and I LOVE YOU hug :) and a special happiness wish with extra sparkles :)

always here for u

love u!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 18.10.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* im soooooo sorry it has taken me so long to reply life has just been totally manic here. i hope everything has been ok with u!!! i have missed talkin to u!!!

i have finally been discharged after they messed everything up big time!!! i am so pleased to finally b free of the unit!!! i have been chained to that place for sooo long!!!!

i am bk with CAMHS and i have a new inidividual worker - she isnt specifically a counsellor but hopefully she will b able to offer me a bit more support. it is quite hard tho cause i reali feel like a need quite a bit of support atm but we are doing all the gettin to know each other stuff atm!!! i no it has to b done but it isnt particually helpful at the moment!!!! i do reali want things to work with CAMHS this time cause i never want to go IP again!!!!!

i think my mum is going to wait and see how i get on with my new therapist and then if things dont work she will look again at gettin a private therapist!!!

i have had a reali difficult week and am reali struggling atm. i am slipping bk to the anorexia sooooo much atm - i have fallen back into so many bad habits and my weight has dropped over the past few weeks. i hate it i reali dont want to go bk there but at the moment i dont reali no how to stop it!!! the minute thins start to get hard or i relax at all the anorexia just jumps bk in and starts draggin me down again!!!

i have been trying so hard to keep myself motivated. on my list i put...

- i want to have children

- i want to dance

- i want to go to spain with my friends next summer

- i want to go to uni

- i want to be healthy

- i want to LIVE!!!!!

at the moment i am able to dance - which is the first time in like 10/11 months which i am sooo happy about. i am reali tryin to use it as motivation to maintain my weight. i no if my weight drops much then i am going to b stopped from going again which i would hate because i  worked so hard to get to where i am now!

im sorry to hear u had a bad week last week but it is reali gd that u have lots of support and the people in ur house are nice!!! that is reali gd that they no what is going on with u are they are there for u!!! that is reali gd because like u said u feel a bit more safe and they will b able to keep an eye on you and help u when u need it.

im reali pleased u are enjoyin ur course and managing not to slip back!!! u reali are doing so well!! u should b reali proud of urself - it isnt going to b easy but u have got off to a brilliant start and i no u can do this. like u said from lookin at old photos u can see how far u have come!!!

how r u doing???? hope everything is going ok and u are lookin after urself!!!! thinkin of u loads and wishin u all the luck in the world!!! i no u can do this hun - u are amazing!!!

stay strong and keep fightin

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x x

posted: 26.10.2009
message:

hi char :) how r u?

dont worry about not replying sooner...i'm prob even slower lol. sorry!

hope its been a good manic? hugs :) missed u :)

wow well done for getting discharged :D bet it feels great to be free :) how did they mess things up hun?

i hope u get all the support u need at camhs. if yr struggling please please ask them for more support lovely.

its good u dont want to go to IP again...remind yrself of that when yr struggling sweetie :)

its great that your mum is looking into alternatives to camhs if it isnt offering you enough support.

so sorry that you are struggling hunny. please keep fighting toward recovery lovely.  you can do it!!!

can u talk to your mum when things get hard? or ask her to help u eat something and then maybe go out somewhe to take your mind off things?

your list is amazing...and u cant do any of that with anorexia dragging u down. ps rmind yrself of that when anorexia gets strong and starts lying to you.

i have started some work on this and my 'anna' as now called faith and she isnt allowed to bully me becuase its pointless-

i dont know if that will work...its good for me because i have a viid imagination and i learn visually...so i can create pictures and things in my head.

its great that youare able to dance...remember that to keep dancing u have to maintain weight hunny. could u use that as a stress relief? but dnt do it to much!!! using it as a motivation is a great idea :)

thanks for being proud of me :) it means alot. you can do it too lovely!!! i believe in you. i had a fantastic weekend because my friend came o stay. it was soooooooooo lovely :D

always here for you beautiful. you are amazing and you can do this! keep fighting...you will win :D

here for you :D HUGS

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 31.10.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* i have missed you!!! hope everything is going ok!!! love u loads!!!

it does feel so nice to finally be discharged - the last month i was there i didnt have any sessions at all, i wasnt gettin any support all they were doing was weighing me!!! it was reali frustrating becuase i wanted the help but once i gt to a near healthy weight they werent interested in the emotional work!!! according to my care plan i was meant to b doing loads of bereavement work while i was there - i had two 30 minute sessions over the 4 months i was there!!! = (  i was meant to leave a week before i did because they forgot to organise the handover with CAMHS which i was quite frustrated about as i was sooo excited to go and then had to wait but hey!!!

CAMHS still reali arent giving much support at all - they are onli nterested in what my weight is doing!!! my weight is dropping at the moment and they keep having a go at me everytime i go!!! i dont want to go bk there but they aren giving me any psychological help!!! it feels like i have put on loads of weight and i am closeish to healthy but in my head things are just the same as they were when i was at my lowest!!! 

they have said that if i dont manage to gain weight over the half term they might stop me dancing again and if my weight drops much more they are going to b getting bk in touch with the unit again and i might have to go bk for a bit to gain bk the weight i have lost!!! i reali dont want to go bk there!!!

i might b taking a brek from CAMHS for a bit becuase things reali arent working - i may get my GP to monitor my weight for a while and go and see a private counsellor and see if this is more helpful!!! i am just not sure what to do at the moment - i am so scared i dont want to go bk to where i was but things are getting bad again!!! = (

i do sometime find it helpful to talk to my mum whenthings are gettin hard but often the illness makes me quite secretive which i hate as me and my mum are normally reali close - she know things arent gd at the moment but she doesnt no how she can help me!!!!

i do try to keep looking at my 'list' at the moment - to try and remind myself that i dont want to go bk there!!! i no i have so much to fight for!! i no i am so much happier now that i can dance again - i reali dont want to lose that!!!!i do use it as a stress reliever as well which helps = )

im reali glad to hear that u have started working on things and u have found it helpful for u!!! i might have to try visulising it!!!!

u reali are doing so well!!! im reali glad to hear that u had a gd weekend with ur friend!!! i have been on half term this week so i have had a bit more time to chill out and catch up with some friends which has been nice!!!

how are u doing???? hope everything is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! thinkin of u loads

stay strong and keep fighting

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x

posted: 03.11.2009
message:

hello char :)  missed you too! thinking about u all lots even though i dont reply that often.

thats daft that u didnt have any proper supportduring your last month in IP :( do u get outpatient help hun?thats really horrible that they didnt do any bereavement work with you. i hope u get some proper help now that you are out of hospital. you really deserve proper support.

CAMHS should SUPPORT you not having a go at you. hugs!!!!

could you and your mum make a complaint or something? cos the help you are getting is really not good enough!!! i can understand you that you feel like you did at your lowest weight...i often feel like that too. i think it does go away with time and the RIGHT SUPPORT. arrr it makes me so angry that they use weight as a measure of health when its only a symptom.

can u use the fact that u dnt want to go back into IP as an incentive to gain back some weight? i know its really really hard tho hun.

the private counsellor sounds a good idea. do you get on with your GP? i think if camhs arent helping then you should try somewhere else.

i know what u mean about the anorexia making u secretive etc. what i did with my mum was make a truth book where we wrote to each other things that i couldnt say to her. it worked quite well and helped us to be more honest.

what about having fun with your mum? going out somewhere and just relaxing together? that might make you both feel better?

its great that you are using the list so much! i'm sooooooo proud of u lovely!

glad u had a nice half term hun :)

i'm doing really well foodwise...but mentally struggling with my weight...but i'm not losing really so its 'ok' lol. i have too much to lose by getting ill lol.

my self harm isnt brilliant, but its ok.

always here for u hunny. i am sooooooooooooooooo proud of u. you are amazing and you WILL get over this- you are strong!

love u lots!|

always here for you, keep going lovely!

hugs!!!

how r u?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 09.11.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* huni have missed u!!! thinkin of u loads atm - reali hope ur doing ok!!!

yeh i am going to CAMHS for outpatient treatment atm but they still arent doing much to help - they are just weighing me and stating the obvious - that i need to put on weight!! i am reali trying to use the fact that i reali want to keep dancing and dont want to go bk as an ip to try and help me gain but i reali cant do it at the moment!!!

we have told CAMHS how we feel about it and said that we are thinking of leaving they have said they are going to try and change things a bit!! we are going to have a review in a few weeks when we will decide whether we want to stay with them or not!!! i dont no what to do atm!!!!

i no it is so hard because i am finding things soooo hard at the moment but cause my weight is nowhere near as bad as it was they reali arent bothered!!! i am so scared i dont want to go bk there but that is the way things are going...

yeh i hate the fact that it makes me so secretive!!! ur truth book sounds like a reali gd idea!!!! yeh i do think me and my mum need to spend more time together just having fun and not always focused on food stuff!!! while i was ip all the time we spent together had nothing to do with food cuase the unit handled all that but now im bk at home again the stress has gone bk on that!!!

im so pleased to hear that u are doing well with ur food and not losing - that is a relai big achievement u should b reali roud of urself!!! i understand that it must b hard to b struggling with ur weight but like u said u have sooo much to lose if u get ill!!! just keep talking o people and if u see things with ur weight starting to slide tell people around u so they can help!!! u can do this huni!!! sorry to hear the self harm isnt great huni - just try and be kind to urself!!! u are doing so well - look after urself - and give urself a bit of time out!!!

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are enjoyin uni life!!!! thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!!

stay strong and keep fightin

always here for u

love u loads

char x x x x

posted: 09.11.2009
message:

Wow, well done for being so brave about this.

Stay strong and GOOD LUCK

hannah xxx

posted: 14.11.2009
message:

hi hannah

thanks for ur post!!! it reali doesnt feel like i am being very brave at the moment!!! how r u??? hope everything is going ok and u are lookign after urself!!!

stay strong and keep fightin

always here for u

love

char x x x

posted: 17.11.2009
message:

hi charlie, so so sorry it has taken me so long to reply!!! thanks for thinking about me :) i'm ok thanks ((hugs)) how r u?

i'm so sorry that CAMHS are being rubbish :( sorry things r so hard for u hunny. thinking about u. glad that camhs are gonna hopefully change things for u i hpe they give u some proper support.

its so horrible of them not to give u the support you need :( biiiiig hugs lovely. wish i could make it btter for u.

keep fighting lovely...i know you are...but please dont go back to how u were xxxx

having fun with your mum might help to lift both your moods... give it a go :) it will be nice for u to do something not food centred...and just having a good time and feeling free.

thanks for being so supportiv :D my self harm has been alot better this week and i'm doing ok :)

how r u?

love you lots and lots

sending happy fairy dust!!!!

all my love,

juliette

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posted: 20.11.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* im sorry it has taken me ages to reply too!!! life has been absolutley manic over the past few weeks and things havent gone particually well!!! thinking of u loads - miss u so much -  u have been so helpful to me - so a massive thank you!!!

CAMHS still arent being too great but they have changed how they are treating me etc. so hopefully things may improve - i am trying to stay as positive as possible but things have been pretty awful the past few weeks!!!

i reali reali dont want to go bk to where i was before - i dont want to live like this anymore!!! it is hard tho asmy weight is dropping again and things are getting worse i just dont no how to stop them!!!

i have been weighed this week as my consultant has been away - so when i go bk i wont have been weighed for two weeks which i am reali worried about!!! i am so scared they might stop me dancing!!! = (

yeh me and mum have been trying to spend a bit more time together away from food - which has been hard as we are both soooo busy at the moment!! i think she is quite worried about me at the moment but as we have been busy i have been able to hide how much i reali am struggling!!! = (

im so pleased to hear that u are doing ok and the self harm has been much better!!! u should be reali proud of urself!!! you are doin reali well!!! = ) how have u been this week?? gt any nice plans for the weekend???

thanks for the happy fairy dust!!! sending u some too!!! big smiles all round!!! = D

stay strong and keep fighting - thinkin of u loads

alwyas here for u

love u loads

char x x x x

posted: 26.11.2009
message:

Hello lovely J
How come things arent going well? Whats been happening?
Hope you are ok hunny
Miss you too J hugs
Hope CAMHS keeps improving, u really do deserve really good help
Sorry if this is a bit bitty...i’m being ‘forced’ to watch a really scary film that I hate and so I keep getting distracted lol. Wish the lights were on!!!! Eeeek
Hahaha I’m such a wimp
Keep positive lovely. You can do it!!! has your mum done anything about getting a private counsellor?
Have you spoken to your mum about how u feel? Could u maybe try the truth book? Hugs! I know u dnt want to go back there...try to use everything as an incentive that you can possibly  use to keep going and not slip back further.
Hope the weigh in thing goes ok hun.
Its really good that u n yr mum are trying to spend time together. Please try not to shut yr mum out lovely...i know its really hard tho.
Today was my first day in school and it was fun J
Keep fighting hunny...the anorexia knows that you will win...and you WILL win! You have so so so much potential and anorexia wants to spoil it.
Sending lots of happy fairy  dust and smiles and love and hope J
Love you lots
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posted: 26.11.2009
message:

btw the J's are smiles... not sure y they turned into J's

hugs!!!!

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posted: 27.11.2009
message:

hi juliette!!!

*hugs* huni im so sorry it has taken me so long to reply!! it has just been manic this week!!! thanks so much for replying u are so kind of u - it reali means a lot!!!

this week has been awful - eveything is just going wrong!!! my guniea pig died - i had a chemistry practical exam which i totally mucked up - i had an appointment with my consultant on wed and she had a massive go at me as i had dropped weight it is just all going wrong!!! it is my dads birthday next week and i am reali worried about it - it is pretty much what triggered my ana last year!!! i just am so scared about how i am going to feel - i cant cope with this at the moment!!!

i am slipping bk to so many bad habits  i dont want to go bk there but i dont no how to fight it!!! im so scared!!! and frustrated at myself - i want to get better so much!!! why cant i just fight this?????!!!!

i am keeping going with CMHS for the time being but mum may look into a private counsellor depending on how i am doing when i get to my next review!!!

yeh i hate the fact that it makes me shut my mum out!!! i am trying to talk to her as much as i can but it may be a gd idea to try the truth book at some point as i do find it hard to talk to her about it!!!

awww i hope the horror film wasnt too scary lol!!! im such a wimp too - any little thing makes me jump!!!

first day in school??? sorry a bit confused???

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok!!! thinkin of u loads!!! u gt anything nice planned for the weekend???

stay strong huni and keep fightin - always here for u!!!

love u loads

char x x x x 

posted: 06.12.2009
message:

hi char :D dont worry about replying! im so slow its unbelievable.

soooooooo sorry about your ginnea pig :( and you exam. it sounds like a horrible week for you! i hope things get lots better really soon!

why on earth did the consultant have a go at you??? they should be giving you more support not shouting at you!

huge hugs!

are you doing anything special to remember your dads birthday? i hope it doesnt make u struggle even more. always always here for u sweetie. have you talked to your mum about how you are feeling?

what about making a scrapbook or something to remember your dad and the good times you had together? or maybe write him a letter? if you think it could help?

its really hard to fight this...but you can do it hunny...keep goign and dont give up. try to be truthful to your mum and yourself and to talk through your feelings.

have you got any further with getting a counsellor? maybe some other proper support would help...not just feeding you like the unit did.

let me know how the truth book goes if you decide to use one :) it might be a nice thing for you and your mum to do together- buy some stickers and glitter etc and decorate the front together?

lol the film was the scariest i have ever seen lol i am such a wimp!!!!

lol first day in school...i'm doing teacher trianing...so it was my first day in primary school :) i loved it and have done  a week since :)

im ok thank you hunny...up and down...but 'stable' as far a everything goes...i think....

my weekend was mainly catching up on work and sleep. i'm missing home alot but also really scared about going home for christmas so feel a bit trapped at the mo...but im ok :)

always always here for you. thinking of you. how r u?

sending you a fairy with lots of happiness dust for you...and a rainbow to give you and your mum hope :)

i hope your dads birthday isnt too hard...you can do it!

lots of love

juliette

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posted: 07.12.2009
message:

hi juliette

thanks so much for replying!!! i have missed u huni - ur posts are so helpful to me - thank you so much!!!

things arent going very well atm!!! i am reali struggling cause i have found it difficult to cope with everything with my dad!!! i reali dont want to go bk there but at the moment i dont no how to cope without the ana!!! i am so scared!!! i do reali want to get better but i no it is going to b so hard for me to get rid of the ED while i feel like i need it... that might sound a bit strange... sorry!!! 

it is reali frustrating i feel like all my consultant cares about is my weight!!!

my dads birthday has been making things harder recently as i have just been thinking about him so much more!!! i find it reali hard to talk to my mum about it so i tend to end up bottling things!!! we didnt do anything much to mark the day but i sort of did in my own special way!!! i have written to him in the past!!! i lke the idea of making a scarp book - think i might try that!!!

i am doing a bit of emotional work on stuff to do with dad!!! i am finding it reali hard - part of me reali wants to do it because i no i need to in order to get rid of the ED but part of meis just totally freaked out - i havent spoken about it for so long and it just makes me want to go into my little bubble!!!

yeh i think i do want to try the truth book - it does sound like a good idea but i am quite scared to try it... sounds a bit pathetic!!!

wow that is so col that u are training to b a teacher - i am so pleased u are enjoying it!!! i want to work with children when im older - i think it is so rewarding!!! i help at my dance school at the moment helping with the reali young children - they are so cute!!!

im glad to hear that ur doing ok!!! u reali are doing so well huni!!! sorry to hear that ur missing home - i understand that ur nervous about going home for xmas - i may go better than u think!!! my weekend way quite similar to urs catching up on work and sleep!!!

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! thinking of u loads!!!

stay strong and keep fighting - always here for u

lots of love

char x x x x

posted: 21.12.2009
message:

Hello char : how r u hun?
Sorry ive been even longer than usual in replying- uni was mad with end of term assignments (up till 6am one day) I’ve been thinking of you alot though
Christmas must be a really hard time for you...you are so amazing for keeping going. I’m really proud of you sweetie. I bet yr dad is really proud of u. I think he will b looking down on you and thinking how amazing you are.
Hugs. Hows the support? Do u have any yet?
I hope there is some sort of support for you because you deserve it so so much- you shouldnt have to do this alone
It doesnt sound strange atall that you feel like you beed your ED...i feel like that alot too. Its really hard- but the ED is doing you no favours- its making things harder for you.... but I know that fighting it is incredibly hard as well.
Hugs hunny...its so hard that your consultant only cares about weight when really thats not the issue atall- weight is the symptom not the illness itself- otherwise they would just feed us all up then we would be cured- if only!!!
How did you celebrate your dads birthday in yr way? I hope it was special for you hun : )
Could u maybe have a time in the week when you and your mum do something special...like making the scrapbook or making cards together or something? Something nice and relaxing?
Its really good that you are finally getting a bit of emotional support. It will be hard...but I think it will b useful :)  keep at it- I know you can do it lovely! I know what u mean about hiding in a bubble- but you cant live your life in the bubble and it ends up a prison rather than a refuge.
Being scared about the truth book isnt silly hun- it is hard to talk openlu and honestly...but give it a go : ) it might help
I think you would make a really good teacher or whatever u choose to do with children- u seem to care so much and thats so important.
I’m home now and its nice...but hard as I thought lol. It’ll be ok tho and its lovely to see my family and pets :D
Im doing ok thanks hun : ) got really low iron atm so feeling pretty run down- but on the whole ok : )
Im looking after myself foodwise...but not really in other ways...hopefully I’ll sort myself out once I spend some time with friends and stuff. Dnt worry tho im ok : )
How r u? I think you are amazing and so special.
Im sending you a special christmas fairy to give u happiness and fun and hope. You will get through this.
Always here for u- and I’ll be able to reply sooner now im not at uni
All my love. Keep fighting Anna!
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posted: 22.12.2009
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* huni reali dont worry about the slow reply - i have been away for a bit too on this course thing - i was away from home for 4 days and i had to totally manage my food on my own and eat foods that i reali wasnt used to!!! ifound it so hard. i am going to see my consultant tomorrow and i am reali scared! i am reali frustrated with myself - i reali wanted to show them that i could do it but i just couldnt!!!

i dont feel to well in myself at the moment - i feel quite weak and tired atm!!! i no i have been pushing myself too hard but the ana never lets me cut bk!!! i hate being like this = (

i am reali reali dreading xmas at the moment - the closer it gets the more worried i get about it!!! i no it probs wont b bad as i think it will b but i am just so scared that i am going to find it reali triggereing becuase of everything that happened last year!!!

i have had some counsellin from camhs over the past few weeks!!! i have found reali hard but i no i need to do the work!!! it is now stopping for 3 weeks over xmas!!! part of me is relieved becuase i reali need a break from it and part of me is reali worrried because this is probs when i most need the help!!!

it is so hard feeling like i need the protection of the ana - and i no the longer i hold on to it the harder it is going to b able to get rid of it!!! i am finding things reali atm - a reali gd friend of mine who also has ana has just gone in as an ip - for the second time this year!!!! part of me is relieved for her that she is safe - but i have found it reali hard watching her go in!!! it seems to have effected me reali badly - im not sure why!!! i reali dont want to go bk into ip!!!

we didnt reali do anything very special for my dads bday but i marked it in my own special way!!! i sort of wanted to do more but i think that is all i was able to cope with at the time!!!

hopefully now i have a bit of time off from sixth form me and my mum will b able to spend a bit more time together!!! which will b nice - i no she is worried about me at the moment!!!

how has ur work in the primary school been going??? i think u will make a briliant teacher!!! i hopefully want to b a paediatrcian or work with children with eating dsorders!!! i think it would be reali rewarding!!!

im glad u are pleased to b home - i no things might b hard at the moment but hopefully things will improve the longer u are there!!! im sorry to hear ur feeling a bit low and run down - hopefully u will have a bit of a chance to catchup with urself over the next few weeks!!! be kind to urself!! u are doing so well - and u deserve a bit of time out!!! it is so gd that u are managing ur food - that is a massive step and the other bits will come with time!!! i no u can do this!!!!

it sounds like u have been workin urself very hard with assignments etc. hope u have gt done all u needed to and u are now able to give ur self a bit of a break!!! i have got loads of work atm too - i have january exams so have loads of revision to do!!! fun times!! we both just have to make sure that we give ourselves time to relax too!!!

how are u doing?? hope everything is going and u are lookin after urself!!! thinkin of u loads!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u

sending u massive christmas hugs and pressies!!!

love u loads

char x x x x

posted: 27.12.2009
message:

Hello char sweetie!

 

How was the course thing? What was it about? I am so so proud of you for managing your own food and eating different foods! That is amazing hunny. Did u manage to eat ok?

 

How did it go with the consultant? Hugs sweetie- dnt expect too much from yourself; its a huge thing to manage your own food and be away from home and eat strange foods.

 

You are amazing hunny. Keep trying to listen to your body and let it tell you when its tired. I know the anorexia will tell you otherwise...but its like a bully and once u stand up to it and keep standing up to it, it will lose its hold on you. It will be hard but I believe in you!

 

What happened at christmas last year hun? Is that when your dad died? I really hope it wasnt too bad for you and that you managed to have a good time. I was thinking of you!

 

Its horrible that help seems to go away over christmas when this is such a hard time for everyone! I hope you manage ok hunny. Have you managed to use the truth book or anything to talk with your mum?

 

How is the counselling going? I know its hard...but do you think its helping? What sort of work do you do sweetie?

 

Ive just had a thought...when I was with CAMHS, I got to do relaxation and it was sooooo lovely. It gave me a break from all the feelings for about half an hour and was really helpful. You can buy relaxation CDs on the internet or in some shops...you can get ones for building self esteem, confidence etc or ones just to give you time out. Or you could make a playlist of relaxing music and close yr eyes and listen to it each day?

 

Also...this sounds stupid but it was helpful for me... do you have a playtent? When I was putting on weight and struggling with it all, I got out my old play tent out, put it up in my room and filled it with cushions and blankets etc. I went in there when I felt I couldnt cope and it was like a safe place. My diary and notepad were kept in there and I could write or draw my feelings away...or listen to relaxing music etc. Could you try it? it might help...and even if not, it’s fun to set up!

 

I know what you mean about feeling like the ana is a protection...i feel like that too... but yr right that the longer you hold on to it the harder it is to escape it. ana doesnt really protect you.. it just makes more problems for you to stop you dealing witht he ones that need dealing with (does that make sense? Its like the ana came to make an extra problem so that you didnt have to deal with yr feelings about your dad...but it isnt a cure.

 

That must be so hard for you that your friend is in ip for the second time in a year. I hope she is ok. Does she use beat? Could u use her as a motivation to get yourself better? It shows u that ip is a reality...so could u maybe use it as a way to make yourself fight it more?

 

It will be nice for you and yr mum to spend time together over the holidays...have fun!

 

School was great thanks. I love it. I’m a bit nervous about actually teaching next term tho! Eeeek! Thanks for saying I will be a good teacher...i hope so. I doubt myself a lot tho lol.

 

Thats anazing that you want to be a pediatrician hun! Yr experience now will make you so much more understanding of the children with Eds thatyou will see. Could this be another thing to add to yr list of y to get better?

 

I’m feeling much better now...i was really anemic but im on iron tablets and they are slowly getting me back to normal. Christmas was hard with all the food and always being around people. I got really upset on christmas day because my gran took me to one side and told me I needed to grow up and act my age...which threw me a bit and just topped off all the distress around food. Anyway! I am looking forward to going back to uni just to get out of being told what to eat all the time...its so hard!!! I’m .

 

Thanks for believing in me hunny. You can do this too! Keep fighting- I know you can do it!

 

Always always here for you hunny!

 

Lots and lots of love

 

Be good to yourself

 

Sending you a christmas fairy full of happiness and peace and sparkle dust to give you that extra bit of strength to fight ana!

 

You are amazing

 

Love from juliette

 

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posted: 29.12.2009
message:

hi juliette

the course was reali reali gd - pretty tiring as lectures went on till reali late!!! i found the food there reali reali hard as the stuff they had was stuff i reali wasnt used to having!!! i tried as hard as i could but i didnt have as much as i should have and i was reali frustrated at myself!!! i reali wanted to prove to eveyone that i could do it - but i couldnt!!! my consultant wasnt angry just disappointed - and not reali surprised - which i think in some ways was worse!!! she has said if i drop much more we are going to have to have a meetin with the ip unit again!!! i reali dont want to go bk there - i am so scared i feel reali reali trapped at the moment!!!

i have been working quite a bit over the holidays to try and build up some money after xmas - i no i have been doing too much and it is reali startin to take its toll but i am finding it reali hard to cut bk!!! i no i need to take things easy or i am going to end up gettin reali ill!!! i keep feelin reali dizzy and i am startin to feel quite weak in my body!! it reali isnt gd!!!

last christmas was the first year without my dad and ti was when i was gettin reali ill - i was barely eating at all!!! it was just so horrid and i was so scared that this year was going to b reali triggering!!! it hasnt been as bad as it could have been but the ana is very strong at the moment and i am finding it reali hard not to restrict a lot at the moment!!!

no me and mum havent used the truth book yet!!! we are arguing quite a bit at the moment - with us both at home a lot at the moment we just seem to b winding each other up!!! she is also keeping a reali close eye on my eating at the moment which is hard - i no it is onli cause she is worried but it does make the ana panic!!! 

counsellin has been reali hard!!! i think some of it is helpful and some of it reali isnt!!! i find a lot of the stuff that we are talkin about reali triggering - it makes me reali want to restrict cause i dont no how else to deal with it!!! i dont want to stop the work cause i no things cant get beter until i have learnt to deal with it but i am reali scared ...

that sounds reali gd that u did relaxation stuff with camhs!!! i find it so hard to relax - partly me and partly the ana!! i might talk to them about it cause i reali do need some time out at the moment!!!

the play tent idea sounds like a relai gd idea!!! i might have to try something like that - dont no if we have a tent but i am sure i could do somethin!!!

yeh i no that ana reali isnt the answer!!! it reali frustrates me tho cause i always turn bk to it when things get hard!!!

my friend doesnt use beat!!! it has been reali hard watching her go in again!!! i am trying to use it as motivation but it just seems to b making things harder atm!!!

im reali pleased that ur enjoyin the work in the school!!! it will b nerve racking teaching next term but i no u can do it - believe in urself!!!

i no i am reali going to have to get myself better if i want to work with children with eating disorders!!! i want to help people!!! motivation!!!

im glad ur feelin better having taken the iron tablets!!! please please look after urself!!

i can understand why u are looking forward to to going bk to uni!!! just be careful that the ed doesnt take ova when there isnt someone there watching ur eatin!!! that is reali hard what ur grandma said!!! me and my grandma dont get on very well and she has sort of gt eating problems too which sort of makes things worse as she barely had anything at christms and kept commenting on what and how much i was eating!!! = (

sending u massive christmas hugs and pressies!!! are u doing anything nice at new year???? hope u are having fun!!!

how r u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! thinkin of u loads!!! thank u so much for all ur help!!! it is very much apreciated!!! u are amazing - and u have helped me so much!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u!!!

love u loads

char x x x

posted: 02.01.2010
message:

Hello charlie :)
What was the course on? Im glad it was good :)
Im proud of you for eating- even if it wasnt as much as you should have had...you ate in a strange place with strange ppl and u should be proud of yrself  : D
Now that you are back home, could you and your mum have a big effort to get yr eating back under control so that you dont have to go back? Could you maybe make a list of foods that you are ok eating?
Hugs! It must feel so horrible that u are trapped between ana and IP. I hope it gets easier soon hun so that you can live the happy life you deserve
Oh sweetie! Feeling weak and dizzy isnt good :( keep fighting to get better! Could you maybe set aside some time everyday to relax? Maybe read a boopk or watch a film?
You can beat this hunny. I am proud of you for getting through christmas! Keep going hunny. You can do it!!!
I know what u mean about spending time together and winding each other up. I’m like that too when im at home... but the truth book could help with that too.
I know its ahrd when ppl keep a close eye on you. Try to see it as yr mum as the little angel on your shoulder and the ana as the devil. Your mum can help you fight the ana...dont let ana tell you that your mum is the enemy.
Could you tell the therapist what parts are triggering so that you can maybe stop those bits if they arent helpful?  You can do it hunny. I know its really hard but you have to face it in order to get through. I bet your dad is so so proud of you. Do you ever tallk to him? Keep going for him :)
Lol I was the same about the relaxation! I found it so hard to relax...but it got easier and was so helpful because it was a type of therapy that didnt ‘hurt’ like the talking and the eating and family therapy did.
You could make a tent out of sheets and pegs and things? Hehe or make a relaxation corner instead? Otherwise I think  you can buy them quite cheaply.
Its understandable that u turn back to ana when things are hard...its your coping mechanism. Keep trying tho...u can beat this.
Oh hun im so sorry that your friend is triggering you aswell.  Could u tell her about beat?
 
Thanks for believing in me hunny : ) im scared about teaching!
Keep all the things that u want to do in the future as motivation to get better :) could u maybe make a book full of inspirations for recovery?
Dont worry about me hun I am looking after myself.  I am ok. I wont let the ED take over...there are too many ppl looking after me anyway lol.
Omg that must have been so so hard that yr gran was commenting on how much u ate! Thats really unfair on you too. Does she have any help for her eating problems? Try to keep away from her when food is involved. Hugs!!!
Awww thanks for the hugs :) sending you biiiig happy new year wishes  and hugs. I went out with my friend for new year. It was good but as I was driving I had to look after all the drunk ppl lol. What did u do? Did u have fun?
I’m ok thanks hunny. Im looking after myself thanks.
Stay strong beautiful! You can do this!
Always here for you and thanks for being there for me! Lots of love and hugs
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posted: 07.01.2010
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* sorry it has taken me a while to reply!! things have been totally manic!! i went back to sixth form on monday - my AS exams start next week and we have been off school for the last few days becuase my school has been shut due to the snow!! i am reali pleased but i am gettin a bit worried about my exams!!!

the course I went on was for people who are intersted in going on to study medicine at university!! it was reali gd - im so pleased I went - they are doing like a follow up course this summer which hopefully i will b able to go on!!! i was sort of proud of myself for my eating while i was away cuase i thought i had done ok but when i came bk and i had lost and my consultant was so disappointed in me it made me reali doubt myself!!

yeh i thought tha maybe - like u said - me and my mum would b able to get my eating on track a bit more ova christmas while we ere both at home but that reali hasnt happened - things have just got worse and worse = (

at the moment because it is the holidays i dont have my normal dance classes which i have found reali hard - and have ended up doing other exercise now which i reali regret now!!!

my weight dropped quite a lot over xmas and when i went to see my consultant last week  she said that it had dropped too much and she was going to have to get bk in touch with my pyschologist from the ip unit to see what we can do next.

i am reali reali worried about it!! i reali dont want to go bk there but the ana is reali reali strong at the moment but i am finding it so hard to challenge it at the moment!! i have two weeks before my meeting so i reali want to try and maintain - to show them that i dont need to go bk!!!

i was meant to see my consultant yesterday but couldnt get to the hospital because of the snow so now wont be weighed for a while which i am a bit worried about!! i no things are geetin bad!! im reali scared!! my intake is slowly dropping but i dont no how to stop things sliding!!

yeh i no that feeling dizzy and stuff reali isnt gd!! i no i pushed myself too hard over christmas!! it is quite gd i have a few days of school now to catch up with myself a bit!!!

my new years resolution is to try and do something physically and emotional relaxing for 30 mins everyday!!! i find it so hard cause the ana never lets me stop and is always telling me that there is something more important i should b doing!!! i reali want to do it thou cause i no i need to start challenging ans thinkin a bit more and i reali do want cut bk on what i am doing and be kind to myself!!! i am finding it reali hard at the moment - but i dont want to give up on it!!! i am looking into buying a little tent!!! = )

i like the idea of thinkin of my mum as the gd angel fightin the ana - thanks that helps to think of it like that!!! it does get very easy for it to feel like mum is fightin me but i no in truth she isnt - it is the ana shes fightin!!!

yeh lots of the emtional work that i am doing at the moment is stuff to do with my dad - it is reali hard because lots of the stuff that i find triggering is the stuff i need to work on!!! it is hard cause i do want to keep going and work through it but i am scared of losing myself to the ana along the way!!!

yeh it does frustrate me that i keep turning bk to ana every time things get bad!! it is so stupid because of the awful place ana has taken me to - why would i choose to go bk there???
 
the prospect of teaching must b so scary - but dont ever give up on it!!! u are going to b so gd at it - i no u are!!! keep believeing in urself!!

i have got a sort of scrap book thing which has thing in it that make me want to fight the ana - photos of me when i was happy and healthy and letters from friends etc.

yeh my grandma reali didnt help with the eating over christmas  - she doesnt reali have any help with her eating problems!! she is better than she was - i think her gp is sort of keeping an eye!!! it makes it reali hard for me to spend time around her!!

awww sounds like u had a gd new year!! on new year i had to stay in cause it was my mums boyfriends birthday - so we had to have like a family meal which reali wasnt fun - but it was my friends bday party on staurday nite which sort of made up for it!!!

im so relieved to hear that u have lots of people looking after u - and u are looking after urself!! u are doing so well!! u should b reali proud of urself!!

how are u doing??? hope everythin is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! thinkin of u loads!!! thanks for always being here for me too!! u have helped me so much - thank u!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u!!!

love u loads

char x x x x

posted: 09.01.2010
message:

Hello  sweeite
Hope your exams go ok hunny!!! Good luck! :)
Oooh I hope u get on the follow up course for the uni thing :) it sounds amazing. I think you should be proud cos u managed yr frst independent weekend away :) maybe next time you could eat a little bit more? Im proud of u still.
So so so sorry that things have got worse for you over christmas hun :(  big hugs!
I really hope that the thing with the psychologist goes ok. Thats a great idea to try to maintain/gain so that you dont need to go back...keep fighting hunny :) could you talk to your mum about how scared  you are hunny? Maybe work out a way to make sure that your intake doesnt drop any more?
I think you resoulution is amazing : ) good luck! Have you managed to do it? I know its hard with ana telling u to always be doing something. Its great that you are challenging anas thinking :) maybe you could write down ‘her’ thoughts when she’s having a strop at you and try to rationalise them? Maybe even go through them with your mum sometimes? Like when u say ‘now is my time to sit and watch a film’ and she says’ no you have to do ...’ you could challenge it by saying ‘that can wait, I need to look after me aswell. This is my time’
I remember always thinking it was me against my parents...when really it was ana against my parents...what about drawing a picture or something to remind u to think hthat way? It wont always work but it might sometimes :)
That must be hard with the work to do with your dad. Is there any way that you could ‘wind down’ at the end of the session so that you’re not too upset/triggered when you come out? Maybe have 5 mins of doing something sort of fun?
I know what you mean about it feeling stupid that you go back to ana when things go wrong because that is horrible too. I think we do it cos we ‘know’ it and it feel sort of safe, even though it feels bad.
Yep the idea that I will be teaching in feb is sooooo scary... but also exciting sometimes, I really hope that you are right and that I will be good at it! I cant help but doubt myself.
Your scrapbook sounds lovely : ) I hope it helps you to keep fighting hun!
The thing with your gran must be so so so hard for you... but at the same time I cant help being angry at her... I know she has problems too but to say what she sed to you when she has problems of her own just makes what she sed worse... seeing how hard you were trying and making it harder for you. Maybe she didnt mean to say it? but still
 Sorry new year wasnt so good...but im glad that the party made up for it!!!
Im back at uni now and although im glad to be back and able to chose what and when I eat, I am really lonely here because most ppl are still at home. I have loads of work to do but just cant seem to get it done lol. I cant wait to see the lady from uni again. I just hope I can not pretend im ok when im not :~/ its hard tho coz I feel like im letting her down. I put on weight over christmas which upset me and triggered me a bit. Just gotta deal with it I suppose!
Anyway! Eeek that was a bit depressing ! sorry hun!
How are you? Always here for you and I hope you are ok. Sending u big higs and smiles and fairy dust : )
Lots and lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 13.01.2010
message:

hi huni

 

thanks!!! im reali reali worried about my exams!!! i missed all my lessons last week because of the snow and now i am sort of panikin!!! i just want to get them over and done with now!!! i have done 3 of them now and i onli have one more to go!!! they havent gone too great so far but they could have gone worse - so i am trying to stay as positive as possible!!!

yeh the medical course was reali reali gd!!! we are just looking at the dates for the follow up course which is in july!!! i reali want to go - i think mymum is  a bit worried about it but hopefully i will b allowed!!! it is a bit shorter than the last one - this one is onli 3 days so hopefully that will make it a bit easier!!!

 

i was dreading christmas for ages beforehand because it was so bad last year i sort of expected it to bad this year!!! i thought i had kind of done ok with my food until i went and got weighed and had droppped loads!!! i was so upset and frustrated at myself!!! it made me feel lke a faliure and what is the point of trying!!! = (

my review meeting with my psychologist from ip and my camhs team is in a few weeks and i am so worried!!! i am trying so hard not to lose between now and then!!! i havent been weighed for over two weeks because of the snow - both my mum and consultant are reali worried about that - and it is making me reali reali anxious!!! i am trying reali hard not to let my intake drop!!! one of the main problems at the moment is trying to control my exercise which has got reali out of control again!!!

my anxiety levels are reali reali high at the moment - partly due to exams and just general stress!!! i am hopeing that once my exams are out of the way things might get a bit easier!!! i just feel so worried all the time and have this horrid feeling in my stomach - the onli way i can relieve it at all is through exercise but i am trying so hard not to do too much!!! it is so hard to try and get the balance right!!!

i have found my new years resolution reali hard so far!!! i have tried to do it as much as possible - some days i have manged it - others i havent but i guess that is progress on never managing to do it!!! it does make me feel reali uncomfortable to sit and do something quite and i often end up feeling quite anxious!!! hopefuly the more i do it the easier it will become and the better i will get at challlenging the thoughts!!! that is a gd idea to right downt he bad ana thoughts that i get - to help me rationalise them!!! i no the thoughts i get are so stupid and if u try and explain them to someone else they would think they were reali pathetic but to me they are reali real and i am so scared to go against them!!!

 

i reali like ur idea of drawing a picture to show my parents against the anorexia not me!!! u are reali good at coming up with ideas to help challenge thoughts and stuff!!! thank u so much it helps me to do practical things like art and stuff and it helps to have a physical reminder to look at when things get reali tough - sometimes it is too much just to battle it in ur head - u need something else to remind u!!!

 

yeh it is hard doing the work on my dad and i do often leave the sessions in a bit of a state!!! it probs would help if we did do something to wind down a bit at the end of each session. i think my counsellor tries to use all the time we have because we are onli meeting at most once a week and i no she wants to b seeing me more at the moment - but i just can fit it in with school and i find it so draining that i dont want to go anymore frequently!!!

 

yeh i hate the fact that ana makes me feel so safe when reali it is the complete opposite and reali she just leads me further and further away from whats safe!!!

 

i think we all doubt ourselves at times - but u are going to make a reali gd teacher and ur confidence will start to grow as u get more experience!!! it will b nerve racking to start with but im sure u will settle into it soon!!

 

im sorry that it is a bit lonely at uni at the moment - hopefully people will b bk soon and it will liven up a bit!!! i understadn that it must b nice to able to control ur eating again - just please please b careful that ana doesnt take hold!!!

 

it is reali hard when u have loads of work to do but u just cant make any headway with it at all!!! it is so frustating!! i have loads of work to do at the moment as my AS exams start tomorrow - im so worried about them!!! my head is all over the place - im reali not readi for them and i am just totally panicing at the moment!!!

 

u reali shouldnt feel like u have let anyone down at all huni - u are doing reali well but it is ok to say that ur finding things hard!!! that is why she is there, to suport u!!! 

 

i no it might not feel like it at the moment - but that is such a gd thing that u managed to put on weight over christmas!!! i no it is reali scary and i hope u are managing to deal with it ok but it is little steps like that that will lead u to a happier ana free life!!!

how are u doing??? hope eveyrthing is gong ok and u are looking after urself!!! thinkin of u loads - we can beat this together!!! wishing u all the luck in the world!!!

 

stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u

 

love u loads

char x x x x

posted: 16.01.2010
message:

Hi lovely : )
Wishing you all the luck in the world for your exams! I remember how stressful they were and really dont envy u hun.
Well done for staying positive hun- thats ace!!!!
I hope you are ok to go on the next course  : ) it sounds fab. Keep making little steps forward and im sure you will be able to go!
Oh hugs char. So sorry that you lost weight over christmas :(  hugs you arent a failure because you are still trying to get better- dont let things stop you fighting to get better!
Keep trying to control your exercise and keep your intake up : ) you can do it hun! Keepp reminding yourself y u want to recover- you will get there...it takes time but you WILL get there :)
 Hope your weigh in goes alright sweetie. Good luck!
So sorry that your feeling anxious. Have u tried anything like bach rescue remedy? I use the drops when im anxious and it helps. What about trying to do some relaxation aswell? Maybe get a cd of relaxing music, turn the lights down and relax for a bit? It might help?
Gooooooood luck with the review meeting ! im thinking about you!
Well done for trying with your resolutions...its great that you’re keeping going with them even tho they are really hard! Im proud of you!!!
Could u maybe try doing something creative like writing or making cards? I used to do that to take my mind off things and it did help J it always makes u feel better too when you finish and you have a lovely card or something to show for it. you could even make one for your mum or something so you feel like you’re doing somethign really positive with your time and ana cant tell you that you are being lazy.

 

I know what you mean about the ana thoughts sounding stupid but that they are so real to you... I think writing them down and rationalising them yourself could help : ) you might not bilieve the rational side right away but in time it should get easier.
Hahaha I’m glad you like my ideas hun :) I hope they help! Let me know if you do any of them and find them useful!
I understand that u dnt want to do more frequent sessions around your dad- they must be so hard for you. Is there a way the therapist could add ten mins on the end and dedicate that to getting rid of all the pain and stuff?
Thanks so much for being a fantastic friend char! You really are fabidosy :)
I’ve decided to go home for a bit after exams because im not doing too well at uni right now. Even though home is scary because of food, I need somewhere where im around people  who know and love me. There’s loads of ppl in my house at uni... but I cant go to any of them crying my eyes out like I could at home lol! Dont worry, I’m eating ok and stuff... but my mood is low and self harm isn’t great. I have 2 exams next week and then hopefully I can catch a train home for a bit before lectures start the week after.  
Try not to panic too much about exams... I know you dont want to...but you can always retake them if u need to. Dont let them make you ill! You are more important than an exam grade sweetie :) I know its easier sed than done though- I am good at stressing too!
Sending u calming fairy dust mixed with good luck powder : ) my fairy friend will sprinkle it on you all through the next week so you can think of that and remember im thinking of u! :)
Love u lots char =] I really hope you are ok and things are getting easier.
Always here for you!
Lots of love from juliette
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 19.01.2010
message:

hi huni

i am so glad that my exams are over now!!! it is such a relief!!! they didnt go as well as i wanted them to but they could have gone worse!!! i no matter how well they had gone the ana would always tell me that i could have done better!!! i am trying not to worry about the results too much - there isnt much i can do about it now!!!

i have managed to pursuade my mum to try and let me go on the next course - its in july!!! i have loads to aim for around then. i have this -  i am meant to also b going on a biology field trip for school and because i am a mentor to one of the year 7 i am meant to be going on the year 7 summer camp to help out which should b reali reali gd fun!!! i no i have so much to look forward to - i just have to keep myself wel enough to b allowed to go!!! it frustrates me so much that i may end up throwing this all away for the ana!!! why???

i just want to give up at the moment!!! i dont seem to be getting anywhere - if anything things are just getting worse!!! i dont no what to do!!! i do reali reali want to get better but i dont no how  - i feel so lost!!! im scared to go bk to the ana - but i also feel scared to leave it behind me!!! im just trapped in between!!!

i have a meeting with my consultant on wed and then i have my review the wed after!!! ahhh!!! im so scared they are going to stop me dancing and say if i drop anymore then i will have to go bk in!!!

i might have to try rescue remedy - cause even tho my exams are over now i am sitill feeling reali reali anxious at the moment!!!!

i am trying to keep going with doing something relaxing for half an hour a day!!! i am sort of managing it at the moment but the ana makes it so hard and makes me feel reali bad for doing it!!! i no it will do me gd but it is reali hard to fight the ana thoughts!!! i do ike doing creative stuff - it does help distract me a bit and like u said u have something to show for it at the end - which in a strange way helps me fight the ana - it shows that i didnt waste the time - i got something out of it even if it wasnt exercising or doing something that the ana wants!!! that probs doesnt make any sense sorry!!!

thank u so much for saying u are proud of me - it means a lot - i reali dont feel proud of myself because the ana wont eva let me but it does help to hear it from someone else!!! so thank u!!! u always no the right things to say - and u r posts are always reali helpful!!!

i think i am going to try writing down some of my ana thoughts that i haveing at the moment - because i reali need to fight them if i want to stay out of ip but i cant fight them on my own in my head - it might help to see them on paper in front of me!!!

i think i am going to have a talk with my therapist next time i see her and see if there is anyway of changing how we end the session - casue how we are doing it at the moment reali isnt helpful at all!!!

im relai sorry to hear that things arent going too well at uni at the moment!!! i think that is a reali sensible and brave decision to go home for a bit after ur exams!!! i am reali proud of u. it is so gd that u want to help urself get better!!! u are so strong huni!!!

it is reali gd that u are managing ur food well - keep fightin with the s/h u will get there - u deserve to be happy!!! u have come a long way and dont forget that!!! u can do this!!!

i no what u mean about not being able to tell people when things arent going well - but it is different with family!!! u have so many people that love u and they will probably b pleased that u are leeting them help u - as they are probably worried!!!

gd luck for ur exams next week!!! i am sure u are going to do reali reali well!!! u have worked so hard - u reali deserve to get where u want to go!! like u said try not to worry to much - if they dont go to plan it doesnt matter!!! i am sending u some calming fairy dust as well!!! it worked for me so i hope it can do the same for u!!!

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok and u are looking after urself!!! thinkin of u loads!!! we can beat this together!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u!!!

love u loads

char x x x

posted: 24.01.2010
message:

Hiya char J
Well done for finishing yr exams hun :) sorry they didnt go as well as you had hoped but well done for tryin not to worry : )
Well sweetie- you have a lot of things to aim for and lots of reasons to get better  : ) you can do it!!! dont let ana win!!!! Please dont give up beautiful !!! could you set up an eating plan with yr mum and ask her to make sure that u eat enough? I know it means giving some control away but at the mo ana is the only 1 in control
I hope that the review and meeting go ok and that you can keep out of IP and keep dancing :)
Welldone for doing the relaxing thing hun : ) im proud of you
I know exactly what u mean about doing something productive AND relaxing :)
Your ideas are so positive hun  : ) I hope they work! Writing thoughts down is a really positive step hun.
Thanks for being proud of me  : ) I’m at home now and not feeling proud at all lol. My eating seems to have turned to binges and I hate it...but it’ll get better im sure : )

You really are amazing and so positive even though things r so hard. You are an inspiration hun!!!

Thanks so much  : )

 

How are you?

Always here for you

xxx

posted: 25.01.2010
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* huni thanks so much for replying ur posts are alway so helpful and u always no the right things to say!!! thank u so much i would b lost without u!!!

it is a relief to have my exams out of the way!!! life is still pretty manic at the moment and i have a hectic few weeks ahead of me!! i no i am going to have to be kind to myself or i am going to end up making myself ill!! i no i am doing too much but i find it so hard to cut back - the ana wont ever let me admit when i cant cope!!!

i have a meal plan at the moment that i am meant to b folowing - it is what i was on while i was in ip!!! i havent been managing all of it - pretty much since the unit - i no that i need to managing more !  am so scared to up my intake - i am struggling to have what i am having at the moment and that isnt enough!!! i dont no what to do!!

my meeting with my ip consultant is on wed and the closer it gets the more nervous i get!!! im so scared about it!! i no it probs wont b as bad as i think but i am just so scared of ip!!! = ( im sorry 

i am still trying to keep going with the relaxation stuff atm but have found it very hard the last few days!!! the ana thoughts are reali powerful at the moment and i am finding it reali hard to fight them!!!

i had a dance workshop weekend and i think i pushed myself too hard!! i feel pretty weak mentally and physically at the moment!! i am trying to b kind to myself but i just cant seem to give myself a break at the moment!!! my sleeping is gettin reali bad again - i am going to bed reali late and getting up reali early - it is like the ana is scared of lettin me rest for too long - it doesnt want me to b strong enough to fight!!! = (

it must b hard being back at home!!! im sorry to hear ur findin it hard - hopefully it will improve!! it might feel like u are binging but u are probabaly just eating normally but that is what the ana wants u to think and it is probs more than u are used to!!! if u try and eat with other and have what they are having it will help u to eat 'normally'???

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok!!! please keep looking after urself!!! u can do this!! thinking of u loads and wishing u all the luck in the world!!! we can beat this together!!!

stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u!!

love u loads

char x x x

posted: 28.01.2010
message:

Hello char! How are you! Thanks for saying such lovely things- you always make me feel better about myself sweetie : )
How come things are manic atm? What do you have planned? I hope its a good manic where you’re doing the things that you enjoy?
Hugs! I  know that its really hard to cut back on doing too much with Anna constantly nagging you to do more. Keep trying to rationalise the thoughts tho- it’ll get easier :)
Thats really scary that your struggling to have the small amount that you’re having... keep trying tho- every little but extra will help to keep you fighting ... you can do it sweetie!
How did the meeting with the consultant go hun? I hope it went ok lovely! Dont be sorry!!! You have nothing to be sorry for! Its understandable that you’re scarred of IP.
Well done for keeping trying with the relaxation- I’m proud of u!!! I am so so proud of you for fighting the ana thoughts even tho they are really powerful. Keep going hunny!!!
Have you told your mum or doctor etc about your sleeping and excercising hun? Pls look after yourself!!! Im so sorry that the ana thoughts are so strong atm : (
I’m alright atm thanks hun  : ) had a good week at home except the food stuff and I feel more ready to cope with going back to uni : )
I’m terrified to think I have put on weight and my ‘ana eyes’ (what my mum calls them) are bad – I see myself as really really big atm and its difficult... but im ok :)
Yesterday me and mum went to see ‘summer holiday’ at the theatre cos her friend was in it. it was fantastic and I loved it but there was a girl in it that looked so thin and I was scared she was anorexic. I mentioned it to my mum and she sed I was thinner... but I honestly cant see it!!! its so strange... either my mum was lying or my ‘ana eyes’ are really bad lol
How are you sweetie?
Keep fighting coz we will beat this together!!!
Always here for you and thinking of you lots hun!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

posted: 29.01.2010
message:

hi juliette

*hugs* huni im glad im able to a bit sometimes - u are always massive help to me!!! we make a gd little team!!! we can beat this together!!!

my review meeting reali couldnt have gone worse!!! i have just posted a thread called 'inpatient again???...dont no what to do!!!' (please could u read it) i have explained everything in quite a lot of deepth on there - i dont reali feel strong enough to type it again!!! im so sorry!!! i dont no what to do i am so lost!!!!

i am trying so hard to fight - i dont want ana to win this - i have to be strong!! why does it have to be so hard???? = (

yeh everything is pretty manic - good and not so good manic!!! i have the school musical in a few weeks which i am enjoying but it is pretty stressful as we have loads and loads of extra rehersals!!! i also have a dance festival in two weeks and a ballet exam and my a-level dance practical exam all coming up in the next few weeks!!! i am looking forward to it all but i have to be careful that i dont make myself reali ill in the process!! i am trying to make sure that the time i do have free that i am trying to b as inactive as possible and give myself a break - sometimes i manage it sometimes i dont!!! i am fightin but finding it reali hard!!

im reali pleased to hear that u have had a better week!!! u are doing so well huni - u should be reali proud of urself!!! it is gd that u feel a bit more readi to cope when u get bk to uni!!! u can do this!!!

i no the thought of putting on weight is terrifying - but u have to try and trust the people around u. (i no that is so much easier said than done!!!)  we have to trust those who love us!!! it is most likely that ur ana eyes were lying and ur mum was telling the truth!!!

how are u doing??? hope everything is going ok!!! please please keep going u are doing so well!! thinking of u loads!!! stay strong and keep fightin - always here for u!!!

love u loads

char x x x