For Mel and Lexy

hey hunni,

how are things going for you? as you will be able to tell from my other post I am not doing too great and hope you are doing better than me!

I should be doing great as things have been looking up for me recently with the feedback we have had from the shows I have been doing, but for some reason I just cannot seem to help myself get over this.

I'm constantly thinking about food again, and this tends to lead to me bingeing more than ever, and I haven't had a day that I haven't binged for over 8 days. I'm also not getting rid of what I am eating when bingeing and so I am gaining weight and I feel so disgusting!!

take care sweetie,

let me know how you are doing,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Things are going rubbish to be honest. I was supposed to have seen my school nurse today, and i didn't see her last week either, but then she rang me to say that she couldn't make it. So then she said could i see her on wednesday, but when she found out that i was seeing my psychiatric nurse on the same day she said that she couldn't because i'm not supposed to see both of them in the same week. That has really upset me because i wanted to talk to her about how badly things are going in school.

I can't really be too specific about what is happening in school in case someone from my school comes on here and reads this by chance, but i keep getting shouted at for going somewhere where this group of people think that i shouldn't go, and now there is this rumour going round that i called someone a name, when i didn't, so now everyone is against me.

I haven't binged today, which is good.

I'm sure that you haven't gained a lot of weight. Whenever i binge, i always think that i must have gained loads of weight, but other people say that they don't notice the difference. I'm also constantly thinking about food as well if that is any support to you. It rules over my life.

I hope things get better for you, and remember that i am always here for you,

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetie,

you should be sooo proud of yourself - it's not easy and you did it hun!!

I feel like I kind of have a life again, but food wise everything is still awful. have just come back from a school theatre trip and binged, yet again! I hate myself soo much for it, but I don't really know what I want at the moment tbh.

sorry if this seems confusing, I am just so confused at the moment and so what I am writing probably doesn't make much sense lol.

let me know how you are doing,

take care sweetie,

lexy -xxx-

This is the first post i've read which has summed me up so well!

Im kinda new to all this and this is perfect this one. i feel exact same..

"I'm constantly thinking about food again, and this tends to lead to me bingeing more than ever, and I haven't had a day that I haven't binged for over 8 days. I'm also not getting rid of what I am eating when bingeing and so I am gaining weight and I feel so disgusting!"

same!

i hope you are both okay! and well done for not bingeing!

take care xxx

hey baby_lou,

I hate myself so much for what I am doing, but don't know how to stop myself. I've been given lots of tips, but don't seem able to use them.

never give up sweetie, you can beat this.

I will always be here for you to talk to if you need me hunni,

take care,

love always,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Hope you are both okay *hugs*. I haven't binge eaten today, which is good, but now i am going through a stage of restricting myself. I feel so alone.

I've had another horrible day at school. Today people were throwing things at me and some of the time the stuff did hit me, and the worst thing was was that some of the people doing it, i thought they were okay with me, but obviously not. Everyone hates me at my school.

Sorry to go on, but i am in a depressed mood.

I saw my psychiatric nurse today, which helped a little bit. I was honest with her about school and everything and she gave me a hug at the end and told me to take care. I find the sessions helpful some of the time i suppose.

How is everyone anyway? Hope people are faring better than i am.

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetie,

aww hunni!!! *hugs* never mind them. I know that's easier said than done, but they don't deserve you as a friend if that's how they behave hun.

it's good to hear that you psychiatric nurse does help sometimes hunni!!

not really hun - things are pretty rubbish my end too. my anti-depressants have been upped and I just feel like things are getting worse tbh.

don't really know how I am going to cope iver easter. I know I have the boards but I just feel so alone, although I am trying not to let anyone see how much I am hurting, and it's sooo hard.

take care sweetie,

I will always be here for you,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Lexy -  I'm sorry to hear about your anti-depressants being upped. I always get scared that my medication will get upped (it nearly was a few weeks ago, but they changed their mind), it is a constant fear of mine. I hate being on medication and i have this feeling of feeling false and like i'm not how i'm supposed to be. I don't know how i am going to cope over easter either. My little sister will be eating easter eggs, and i won't be able to eat any. I feel so left out.

Today has been another awful day. Everyone has turned against me. I can't really say what it is on here because i'm scared people will read it.

I binge-ate again. I am so ashamed of myself. That is x times in the last week. I can't believe this is happening to me. I am determined not to binge over easter. I look like a big fat whale. :(.

I am seeing my dad and my brother on saturday, and i am so scared because i know that i will have to eat whatever they are eating and i am dreading it so much.

Take care,

-xxx-

Oh, i forgot to mention that i rang my school nurse up and told her what was going on with people at school, and she got quite angry and was saying that they had no right to behave like that and she swore once as well, but not a bad swear word. I think she felt quite sorry for me.

awww hunni!!

*hugs*

so sorry that things are so bad for you right now sweetie!!

I also feel incredibly fat and disgusting hunni - I've binged twice today. I managed to feel okay about the first one, but I got really angry with my mum as she isn't doing any of the things that she's been asked to do!! I know that she is ill and that it is not her fault, but it's like she doesn't really care and it's so frustrating!! I feel bad for moaning about her as she's had it pretty rough, and I have probably made things worse, but I needed to get that out somewhere lol.

I know it's hard, but try not to be ashamed hunni. yes it's happened, but try not to let it ruin the rest of your day sweetie - you are doing so well!!

you should feel so proud that you rang your school nurse as I'm sure it was incredibly scary for you!! well done hunni!! =D she sounds as though she is really supportive and that's great sweetie,

I will always be here for you hunni,

thinking of you,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey Lillies & Lexy
I'm so sorry to hear things arre going badly for you two. I really really do hope that it gets better soon *Hugs*
Here with me, i just feel like i am constantly being watched and it's making me feel really self concious. Like at school now, the people on duty watch me, and it's awful. I don't purge but sometimes i binge and it makes me feel sick, disgutsing. And i hate myself after and feel so angry and helpless and out of control. Sorry to rant on.
Love To You Both
*Hugs*
-0x

Hi,

Llewi's girl - i'm sorry that you are being watched at school. When i used to eat in the school canteen, all the teachers used to watch me, and one dinner lady came up to me once and patted me on the back and said 'well done', because i'd eaten a big meal, and that made me feel really ashamed. I hate people watching me, it is so horrible. It's okay to rant on, i do it all the time. I feel so helpless and out of control as well. How is everything going? *hugs* xx

Lexy - How are things going for you? My mum doesn't understand what i am going through either. She thinks everything is great, even when i've left half the food on my plate. It was very scary phoning my school nurse, because i only phoned her a couple of weeks ago about another incident of bullying, so i felt as though i was pestering her a bit. xx

I am so disgusted at myself.  I ate something really bad today, it was in the dinner my mum cooked and she didn't tell me it was in the food until i'd practically finished it.  But i managed not to binge yesterday or today (so far), because i keep reminding myself how horrible it makes me feel. Instead of eating three or four of the things i usually binge on, i only ate one, so i am trying to gradually reduce my binging.

My brother has come home for two weeks, because he lives with my dad, and he has lost a lot of weight. He thinks that he is fat and he doesn't eat very much, and my mum is really worried about him because he looks really thin, and i am worried that i might have given him an eating disorder, with all my talk about bad foods and calories. It is all my fault. I feel so awful. And he has become interested in calories, fat, contents of food etc as well. I am worried about him.

I saw my dad, which went okay. He seemed in a bad mood because my brother did some things which he shouldn't have done, and this put him in a bad mood. Sometimes i feel as though he doesn't want to see me. :(

Hope everyone is okay,

Take care,

-xxx-  

Llewi's girl -

hey sweetie,

I know what you mean about feeling watched all the time. I feel like I cannot do anything without my mum wanting to know what I am doing which is driving me insane.

no worries about ranting hunni - it's what we're here for.

take care x

lillies -

hey sweetie,

things aren't going great. I think my mum has found out about the laxatives as she had been in my room tidying today. I'm quite angry with her that she has gone through my stuff tbh.

it's strange. my brother was ill last week and has occasionally been skipping meals and I have been feeling sooo guilty.

I'm sure you dad did want to see you hunni - he was probably just thinking about your bro.

always here for you,

take care,

love to you both,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

I'm not sure what is up with my brother. Now he is gorging on unhealthy food in between meals but then not eating his main meals. Maybe he just likes unhealthy food, i don't know. I'm sorry to hear that your brother is having difficulties as well *hugs*.

I don't think my dad did want to see me. He couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car to come and meet me off the train.

Your mum shouldn't have gone through your stuff. That was wrong and unfair of her. My mum has always said that she will never go through my stuff, but sometimes, i find things not where i left them, so i think that sometimes she does :(.

Everytime i go to sleep i dream about food or my weight :(. I also have really bad nightmares so i get scared to go to sleep now. I used to sleep during the day when i'm not in school, but i have found that makes me more tired, so i don't do that anymore. How do you sleep?

I am so annoyed at myself. The rest of my family are having something different to me, which i thought contained loads of calories, but it doesn't, only about the same as what i am having for my tea, and i really like what they are having, so i am upset now :(.

We are eating out tomorrow, I am worried though.

I keep going for walks everyday now to escape being at home, because my brother is being such a pain and i feel overwhelmed by it all. He keeps winding me up, and he knows what buttons to press, so i end up snapping at him a lot. He is going to stay at my grandparents tomorrow for three days, so it will be a welcome break from him.

How is everyone?

Sorry for going on,

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetie,

no worries hun - go on as much as you want!!!

brothers are a pain, aren't they!

my mum spoke to me today about the fact that she thought that I was either making myself sick or taking laxatives, and so I told her about it. she didn't get angry with me which was good, but I felt as though I had really disappointed her.

I quite often go for walks as well, sometimes it helps to just give you some time and space. my teacher and therapist both recommended it to me, and I've found it really does help!!

I'm going out with my dad tomorrow and am then staying at his overnight and so will have to pretend that everything is fine and will have to eat whatever he gives me!! am soo soo soo scared!!!  also I have to be back in time for my doctors appointment thursday morning, and he lives like 30 mins away and hasn't told me what time he was planning to leave yet = /

hope you enjoy the break from your bro sweetie - I'm sure he's not meaning to be nasty. I know my brothers just felt like I had all the attention which I guess was kind of true, and just wanted some for themselves.

hope you had a good easter hunni,

always here for you,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

My brother and stepdad have been doing my head in all day. I am so angry. I have had loads of arguments with my little sister to the point where my mum was screaming at me to shut up, and where my stepdad was saying that he had had enough now, and he walked off. I got the blame as usual. They keep saying that because i am older, i should know better, but the three of them just know what buttons to press to wind me up, and it works everytime. I just feel so angry and out of control.

I ended up binge-eating. Again. . I feel so depressed today, because i have fallen out with everybody. It's no wonder they all hate me.

Sorry to go on,

I hope you had a nice time at your dad's :) *hugs* Hope it all went okay with the food,

always here for you as well,

take care,

-xxx-

P.S  - sorry i wasn't in the chat between six and seven - i was travelling back from my nan and grandad's, i got back at five to seven :(. xxx

hey sweetheart,

that's okay. I wasn't on either as I was at my dad's so wasn't able to get on.

awww hunni *hugs*

I'm always being told I should know better when my brother winds me up as I am the oldest of all my siblings, but I don't really see what difference your age makes tbh!

they don't hate you sweetie, they are just a bit stressed out most probs.

I had a good day with my dad thanks. bought a really nice top, although it was a tad pricey =P. the food wasn't great - I had to eat three meals and my weigh-in this morning =(, but I went out with a friend that I haven't spoken to in over a year and a half this afternoon and so am feeling a lot happier now.

take care hunni,

lexy -xxx-

p.s. try not to worry about the binge. things will gradually get better sweetheart. always here for you x

omg omg omg i have just seen this post, i am so sorry i didnt check in here. so here u all are lol im so sorry that you are all finding it really hard, i am too. it sucks. i finally got my gp referal and waited for months for it and in my assesment my doc said i dont have an ed.but are on my way to one. even tho i binge/purge constanlty and i cant stop. plus i think about food 24/7 and restrict so much now when i can. plus i eat in secret and snap at everyone i love if they see me eat. all he told me to do was eat 3 meals a day and exercise. (like i didnt already know )now im lost i dont know how the make the thoughts go away. and if this is normal then im ******. Q: how does one recover from something she doesnt have A: she doesnt.

well thts me just exagarating i guess. and it took so much of me to step up and admit what i do. owe well. so how are you both doing.? good i hope. ive missed ya both.

hey sweetie,

that is exactly what my gp said to me when my mum first took me as she knew that my eating wasn't right, and I felt like screaming at him tbh!

so glad you've got your referral through hunni! you must be relieved in one way, even though I know it is still incredibly scary!

I'm doing okay thanks sweetheart. could be better, but could be worse. I've out on weight and I hate it =( but managed to meet up with an old friend this afternoon and have planned an evening with friends on saturday.

let me know how things are going hunni,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

I am so furiously mad. And upset. I had this big argument with my mum, and she said that she didn't want to hear about my problems anymore and that they were annoying. I can't believe she said that. I mean, how unfair is that? Then she said that her sanity was more important than my problems and that i had a counsellor to talk to, so she didn't want to hear about any of my problems. I am so upset, but i am hiding it from her. Then i turned round and said that i wasn't going to talk to her about my problems anymore. So it will serve her right.

I went into my mum's room when she was putting my little sister to bed, and i said that i can't pretend to be happy anymore, and she looked upset, gave me a hug and said that she couldn't talk about it at that moment because she was putting my little sister to bed. She never talks about anything to me. She keeps saying that she is on the edge of a mental breakdown, and it is all my fault.

My brother is coming back tomorrow, and i'm dreading it :(

Hi emanystar :) How are you? Long time no speak. I'm glad that you got your gp referral *hugs*. I was referred by my psychiatrist, i never went through my gp, who is pretty rubbish, so it was probably lucky that i didn't. I'm not doing too well at the moment, i keep thinking about the inpatient unit i was in, and how i miss all the staff there, and i keep thinking about food as well constantly. It is doing my head in. :(

Lexy - i'm glad you had a nice time with your dad. I'm also glad that you went out with a friend and feel happier for it. I haven't got any friends, so i spend a lot of my time wondering what it is like.

Does anyone know what happened to Mel?

Take care everyone,

-xxx-

Oh dear, i have dug myself a big hole. Emanystar, are you Mel? Because i thought you had another profile if you are? God, i am so confused!

hey sweetheart!

with regards to friends it has taken me a VERY long time to get to the point where  would say I had any real friends, so never give up hunni. people don't know what they are missing out on sweetie!

unfortunately my mum is kind of the opposite and wants to know about everything which I hate - but hey, I guess we're all different and that's what makes life interesting.

you know you can always talk to me about anything sweetheart.

take care,

*hugs*

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing okay?

Haven't binge-ate today, which is good. I'm going to my nan and grandad's house tomorrow, which is also good. I'm looking forward to escaping this place. My brother is doing my head in. He called me a **** earlier and keeps telling me not to act like one. He keeps eating all the food and blaming it on me, and obviously, i get the blame because i binge-eat. My mum seems to think he is perfect, and when i wrote down all the things that he'd done to me in ten minutes, she told me to just leave it, even though a lot of the things weren't very nice at all.

Feeling in a very angry mood today. I am angry at everyone but i keep it bottled up inside me, and then it build up slowly and then i suddenly explode.

I just want to say that i have been e-mailing the samaritans for a year now, and i find that they are very helpful, and it is completely confidential, and it really helps me, so if anyone is feeling rubbish then they can always e-mail them.

Take care,

-xxx-

emanystar here. and yes i am mel lol. so sorry to here that about your mum. i hope things are a little better now. females are very bitchy in heated discusions lol. me included. and you should be so rpoud of yourself for not binging. i have gone 2 days now and im feeling fat but i hope that will go away.

sorry about your brother too mine can be the same, but i always give him my binging food when i decide i have to stop (which is on a regualar basis lol) so he leaves me alone. well how are you. and how are you lexi?

hope you are all fine take care love mel xxx

awww sweetheart!!! sorry to hear about you and your brother.

good to hear that you are going to your nan and grandads though - I found that when I went to my dads last week it really helped even though it was only for one night.

well done for not binge-eating sweetheart!! it can't have been easy! you should be really proud of yourself.

I'm doing okay thankyou sweetie - have been going out with friends more. can't say I've managed to curb the binge-eating, but hey one step at a time I guess.

I have also been emailing the samaritans, although only for just over 3 months, but as have you I have found them incredibly helpful and supportive and its nice to have somewhere to just rant lol!!!

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Mel - Hi! It's nice to be able to speak to you after so long, i was wondering where you had gone. I would give my brother my binge eating food as well, but he isn't always around, so i can't do that, and anyway, i think he would tell my mum. It's okay to be b*tchy, everyone acts like it sometimes. xx

Lexy - I'm glad to hear that i'm not the only one who e-mails the samaritans, i find that they really help and the fact that you can tell them anything is good as well. I'm glad you had a nice time at your dad's too : ).

I'm so angry with myself, as usual. I binge-ate again, and i know for a fact that i have put on weight, because i looked in my nan and grandad's full length mirror and i looked fatter than last time. This is going so awful. I thought my binge eating might get less when i was away from the stressful place that home is, but obviously not. I will try again tomorrow.

I went shopping today, and i went faint, wobbly, really sick, had a bad stomach ache and headache and my vision sort of went completely, and i nearly passed out. I don't know how i can get these symptoms when i am still in the normal weight range. Maybe the ranges are wrong and i am actually in the overweight catergory and i'm getting these symptoms because i'm overweight. God, that's scared me now, but i do look overweight so that must be the problem. I keep putting on weight from my binges, so they must stop.

Hope everyone is okay?

Take care,

-xxx-

mel - I'm not doing great sweetheart =(

I skipped x yesterday, but then binged this morning. I feel really rough as well.

how are things going for you sweetie?

lillies - oh sweetheart!! *hugs*

I know you feel fat, but you cannot trust what you see in the mirror as part of the illness is that we see ourselves as bigger than we actually are hunni.

it's good to hear that you are going to try again tomorrow sweetheart.

take care,

thinking of you both,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Mel - I hope you are okay and everything is going well for you *hugs*

Lexy - You've probably heard this before, but you shouldn't skip meals because it messes your metabolism up, and makes you store fat, so the best thing to do would be to eat three meals a day. I know it's easier said than done. If its any help, i feel really rough as well, and the stay at my nan and grandad's didn't really help that much.

Things are going pretty rubbish for me at the moment. I go back to school on monday, which i am dreading and i am full with nerves about, and i am seeing my school nurse then as well hopefully, but i am scared that she will think how fat i have gotten. I still keep binge eating, but now that i am back at home and most of the food is locked away, hopefully my binges won't be as bad. I don't know how i got into the pattern of bingeing in the first place :(.

Hope everyone is doing okay,

Thinking of you both too,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

yeh I know. have just had someone round from the CAMHS team and they are going to draw up a meal plan for me for friday and I really don't want to do it.

How did it go with your school nurse sweetheart?

I know what you mean. it's hard to put your finger on why you started the bingeing pattern, but once it has started its very difficult to get out of it!

stay strong sweetheart!

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Sorry to hear about the meal plan. I had one of those when i was an inpatient, and they are hard to follow, because they have exact amounts on them and stuff. Can't really say much about them, because it will get edited I managed to cope though, because it was spaced out nicely. I found it a bit of a struggle at first because my stomach had shrunk, but after a while i was okay with the whole thing.

I saw my school nurse, and i was able to keep my long coat on, because my school is really cold, so she couldn't see that i've put on weight. It was a very honest session, but it was hard as well. She said that she wishes she could help me and that she feels powerless, and i mentioned about arguing with my mum, and she said that it must be hard for her having to see me poorly constantly.

I feel a bit abandoned to be honest. I only see my psychiatrist three or four times a year, and nobody seems to care about me. I've stopped talking to my mum about my problems, and i feel really alone :(. Sorry to be so depressive.

Stay strong as well,

-xxx-

awww sweetheart!!

I know that it doesn't always help but I am always here for you!!

I just feel like I can't do this anymore. I want to burst into tears.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

It does help knowing that you are here for me, i hope that i can be some support to you too *hugs* I'm sorry that you feel so low.  xxx

My eating isn't going too well. I keep restricting my eating for a few days, and then i will binge eat for a day, so that i can't get into a proper routine. It is doing my head in. When i eat too much i feel guilty, and then when i don't eat enough i keep thinking about food and can't concentrate.

I've had another horrible day at school, but i suppose a bit of it was my fault for not handling the situation correctly. I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow, so hopefully that should make me feel a bit better.

Was it your weigh-in today? If so, how did it go?

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

weigh-in tomorrow. not too worried about it though to be honest. know I have lost weight but hey...

glad it helps to know that sweetheart. =) you know where I am whenever you need me!

let me know how it goes your CPN tomorrow sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Today has been like the day from hell. I saw my CPN.....AND SHE IS LEAVING. The person who she was covering for for the past year is coming back off maternity leave, and so she wants to introduce me to her in a few weeks, and then we will have meeting with the three of us until i get to know my new CPN. I am really upset, because i have known my CPN for thirteen months, which is a long time, and in a way i have connected with her. I feel so alone and abandoned now. My mum said i should get her a card, so i will when i have to say goodbye  I can't believe i will have to start all over again. It is so draining having to go through all your problems with someone new, because i have that many problems.

School has also been like living hell. People were throwing pool balls and stuff at me, calling me stuff and locking me out of sixth form...so yeah. Another rubbish day. And i have a mountain of revision and coursework to get through, which i keep leaving.

How is school going? How did your weigh-in go? *hugs*

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

awww *hugs*!!

its good that your CPN is going to introduce you slowly sweetie instead of just leaving thoug.

school's going okay ... having a few friend issues but I guess thats only to be expected at this time of year.

weigh-in didn't go well, ended up in tears but hey, new week I guess

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Went for a walk today. I've been going on long walks for the past week or two because i find that it helps me to relax, being away from home, but then i get all paranoid about people following me, so i keep looking behind me all the time. I have psychosis as well, which means that i think there are things watching me and following me, i am on medication for it though, but it makes me tired. Once when they upped my dose, i was asleep all the time because it was too high, and i kept falling asleep when i was awake. It was horrible.

Back to school tomorrow. My mum thinks i should leave, but then where would i go? I'm too scared to go to college or start work, so i'm stuck really :(

I really don't want my CPN to leave, because i had a bond with her. That has upset me a lot.

I hope things are going better at school for you *hugs*. What do you mean by friend issues? You don't have to say if you don't want to. And i'm sorry you ended up in tears at your weigh-in. I used to hate being weighed, i would get so worked up about it. xxx

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

I always find that going out for walks is helpful as well as it gets you away from everything. sorry to hear you have psychosis as well sweetheart - must be difficult??

things aren't really that much better at school to be honest and my best friend said something to me the other day that I didn't think was particularly thoughtful.

oh, my friends just keep backstabbing each other and then pretending like nothing's happened. they're also asking me to be messenger between the people they don't like but I do, and I'm just fed up with it.

hopefully weigh-in this week will be better,

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Yeah, it is difficult, living with psychosis. It stops you in your tracks everyday, and now i have started tasting things that aren't there. Like today when i was eating something, it tasted really chemically, and now i have that same taste in my mouth, and it is like, nine hours later. The medication is supposed to stop that, so i'm not sure why this is happening.

I'm sorry to hear about your friends and you having to be the messenger. I have been in your situation a couple of times before when i was younger, and i always found that saying that i wasn't going to be a messenger helped. *hugs*

I saw my school nurse yesterday. She is very concerned about the bullying at school, and says that i shouldn't have to put up with it, so she went and saw the pastoral co-ordinator at my school, and i asked her to let me know what she said, because i won't be seeing her for two weeks. Then today, something bad happened, so i texted her and said could she let me know either today or tomorrow, and she phoned me back and said that she is in school tomorrow, and that she will speak to me about it then, so now i am all worked up about what she is going to say. Sorry for going on, but i get myself in a state over things.

I haven't binge eaten for five days, i have been restricting instead. I feel really depressed, so i don't want to eat and i have no connection with food. It is really weird. Before i would be craving food constantly, and now i just don't want it.

Sorry for going on,

Take Care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

*hugs* you are such a strong person sweetheart!!

I just had an outburst to my mum lol. she came in to talk to me and I just burst into tears.

I have told my friends that I won't be a messenger but because everyone is so stressed I think it went in one ear and out the other.

what happened today sweetheart?? you don't have to say if you don't want to.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

How's your eating plan going?

I'm sorry that you had an outburst at your mum, but sometimes that helps. The problem that i've got is that i can't cry. My sister's guinea pig died the other day and i didn't even cry at that, and i used to cry when pets died all the time.

So much for my 'no connection' with food. My dad's girlfriend sent me some * from a shop (i put 'a shop' in case the name of the shop got edited out), and i ate sixteen of them, so i skipped tea, and then i ended up bingeing on stuff later. One minute i don't want food, then i'll gorge on it. I suppose i didn't binge for six days, so i suppose my body was making up for that.

Nothing really happened today. I saw my school nurse, and she just said that the pastoral co-ordinator had some suggestions, but that she didn't think that any of them were any good, so the p.c is going to get back to my school nurse and let her know.

I don't know what i have done, but i have this pain in my lower back on the left hand side, where my kidney is., and it has been getting worse over the past few days and now i can't stand up straight, walk very fast or bend down. I am getting concerned.

I have been thinking of being a nurse, and today i got some stuff sent from a university about nursing, and i found it really helpful, reading about it. But you have to have a health assessment, and i don't know what that involves? I know it isn't for another year, but what if i'm still ill? I think i might e-mail B-eat about it when my e-mail is working again.

I'm in a really weird mood today. I am really hyperactive because i've had loads of *, and i went and spent £15 on songs off i-tunes, and i have been on the computer for four hours. And now * won't work so i can't e-mail the samaritans :(.

I've got my german oral in a few days, and i am sooo nervous. I couldn't revise today, i was so tired and had a migraine from all the *, so i had a day off. I think i'll do really rubbish. My german teacher said that i am too negative and that i am good at german, but i don't think i am.

This message is really long, but i am so hyper i can't stop talking! It's my own fault though. I think i am seriously messed up, and i'm not joking. I will probably end up being sectioned or something.

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

you do make me laugh.

I think emailing b-eat sounds like a really good idea.

eating plan is non-existent and am constantly starveing and then bingeing.

I'm feeling shattered, and now need to go learn lines for my drama exam on monday, but hey never mind.

being a nurse sounds like a pretty cool job, but I am pretty squeamish with physical things lol and so probably wouldn't be able to handle it.

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Are you pleased or not pleased that you haven't got an eating plan? In a way they do help, because you have something to aim for.

I am squeamish too, but i think i could maybe try and get over that.

I haven't got round to e-mailing b-eat yet. I think i'm too scared of what the answer will be.

I've been off school some of this week because i haven't been very well, so i haven't had all the hassle of school.

How's school going with you? I hope your drama play goes well. I took drama in year ten, but i had to drop out in year eleven, but somehow i still managed to get an A.

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

pleased I think, but I think in the long run I will not be very pleased. but at the moment my ed has taken over and I have kind of given up to be honest.

drama went okay thanks. exam is over now anyway and hopefully by the end of this week I might have a little spare time again.

school's going okay. just really stressful.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

In panic mode. I had my german oral, and it went absolutely terrible. I kept telling myself to breathe slowly and not get too nervous, and before the exam, i had ages to wait, and i practised loads, but then when i got into the exam it all went out of my head, and the worst thing was was that it was recorded. I know i have done really badly, and the worst thing is is that my mum keeps telling everyone in the family that she knows i've done well, even though i told her that i haven't. So yeah, in quite a fed up mood.

I'm glad your drama exam went okay. I hated my one and only drama exam, and we messed it up as well, so i had to improvise.

I feel as though my ED has taken over as well. It is really awful, but in the exam i was thinking about what i had for dinner, so i couldn't concentrate at all.

I just went on the chat thing, which helped. You should come on them as well xxx

Hope you're okay, keep fighting

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

I did want to come on tonight, but unfortunately couldn't as I had to be at school doing a performance, and to be honest I have just lost my best friend of five years and so am not really up for trying to be positive at the moment.

sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment hunni.

try not to panic sweetie. dwelling on it can only make things worse. I'm sure you did better than you think you did.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. By 'lost', do you mean lost as in fallen out with, or lost as in died? If you have fallen out with the friend, then why don't you try talking to them, and trying to start up a friendship again? If they have died, then i am truly sorry to hear that, and know that no words will make it better.

Don't worry about not being able to come onto the chat. I know how busy you are, and i'm not always able to get onto them either.

It's been really warm today, and i had to take my coat off, and then i almost took my jacket off, because on the bus it was sweltering hot, and i know that i shouldn't because i have old and fairly recent (a couple of months) self harm scars on my arm, so i'm scared too. But i've brought all these summer clothes and i am going to be expected to wear them, so i don't know what to do.

How are you doing? You don't really talk about yourself much, which is up to you of course, but don't feel as though you can't talk about your problems just because i have a load of my own. xx

Take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

I have fallen out with her, and we have tried to talk and sort things out but it just doesn't feel right to be honest.

Hopefully life will be a little less hectic some time soon! but then I'm always saying that and it never happens! =P

I don't really know what to say to be honest. I'm not doing great but am coping.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Something funny/scary happened today. My cat got stuck up a tree, the poor thing. He was trying to get down, he was really high up, and he was meowing pittifully, bless him. Me and my family were all calling him and rattling his biscuits, and after about twenty minutes, when we were about to call someone, he came down and landed in all these brambles. Then my mum scooped him up and cuddled him, and he was all shaken up. I love my cat to bits. I have had him since he was a kitten, which was last october. He doesn't let me cuddle him, which is a drawback, but oh well : / .

I'm glad to hear that your friend isn't dead, but upset to hear that things aren't right between you. I don't really know what to say....

I thought there was an intruder in the house today, in the roof, because my stepdad is doing our extension and some of the roof is missing, and i was the only one at home, and i rang my mum on her moby, panicking, and she thought it was hilarious, and said it was only the squirrel! But i could hear things being thrown around and everything. I think we might have a poltergeist. That thought scares me. Besides, who has ever heard of a muscly squirrel who can lift up boxes and throw them? Certainly not me.

Hope i have cheered you up a bit with my funny tales of the animals in the (surname) household!

Take care,

-xxx-

awww, bless you sweetheart!

I have a cat and I love her to pieces as well, but she's not a particularly cuddly cat either.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

How are you? You seem to be saying less and less lately, and that is always a bad sign..... :(

I didn't see my school nurse today, she wasn't in. There is a reason but i don't want to write it down on here in case it becomes blindingly obvious to someone who i am. But she texted to let me know, and she said that she would let me know later in the week when i could see her. Then my CPN texted to say that she wanted to see me with my new CPN (panic panic) on friday, so i am kind of scared about that as well.

We had a practise german test today, and i got zero out of ten, that is how bad i am at german. The german teacher was all dissapointed, but she tried not to show it. There's two people in our german group who she relies on to give all the answers, and they are both quitting german next year, so that isn't good for her.

How did your weigh in go last week? You don't have to say if you don't want to.

take care,

-xxx-

Hi,

I am in a weird state of shock. My BMI is 17.5! Which means i am underweight. I have been working it out wrong all along. I am so stupid.

take care,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

I'm just tired and a little busy, but I'm okay =). Coping anyway, just about.

don't worry about your german test hunni, there are much more important things for you to think about right now!

I guess the argument with my friend shook me up a bit, and I've felt pretty rough the last couple of days.

It's understandable that you are worried about your new CPN sweetheart, but its good that your CPN is not just leaving you, but is introducing you gradually.

It went okay. Apparently I am the same as I was the week before, but I don't believe them to be honest.

Sorry for being negative hunni, not feeling too motivated at the moment.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

Still in a weird state of shock about my BMI, as mentioned in the last message. I figured out that if i stay at around the recommended amount of calories a day, or just under, then my weight should fall back to what it was before i started bingeing, which would be good. I wish i was weighed weekly, i would find that really helpful, as it would help me to see that i wasn't putting weight on everytime i ate a 'bad' food.

I have written in my diary that i am going the doctors in two and a half weeks on the 20th may because i keep feeling ill all the time, and i need to lose weight before then in case the doctor weighs me or something and sees how heavy i am.

On a good note, i haven't binge eaten for a week, but on a bad (well, it is to everyone else except me) note, i think i have lost a bit of weight.

I'm sorry that you've felt really rough. I feel like that most of the time *hugs* I hope you feel better soon.

Why don't you look at the scales when you've stepped on them to see what you are? I always used to, even though they told me to 'keep your arms by your sides and look straight ahead', which used to wind me up.

School is still as hellish as ever. Today i had more balls chucked at me, people mimicking the way i talk and walk, and other stuff that makes me too upset to say. My school nurse texted me back, when i asked her when she is next in, and she is next in tuesday lunchtime, which has upset me, because i was hoping to see her this week.

I am seeing my new CPN and my 'old' CPN on friday - i am petrified.

I am also ill. I have got a bad throat, a cough, feel sick, wobbly legs and a headache. Hopefully my throat will get worse so i won't have to eat. I still went to school though, because i have had too much time off lately.

Hope you're okay,

-xxx-

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now. *hugs*let me know how things are going,

I know that it is ten times as horrible when you are feeling ill, but please try and eat hunni.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear that things are so difficult at the moment *hugs*

I know that it is ten times worse when you are feeling ill but try and eat something little hunni. or maybe you could manage a drink instead?

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi,

I am feeling very hyper for some reason.

I had my ear syringed today. It was horrible. The nurse had it on the lowest pressure because i have narrow ear canals, and nothing came out, so she turned it up to the medium one, which hurt, and a bit came out, and then she turned it up to the highest pressure, which was like knifes stabbing in my ear drum, and a big chunk of wax came out and i could hear again. It was disgusting, and it really hurt. Now i have earache.

I wasn't at school today. I woke up and felt really ill, feeling sick and with a bad stomach, so i didn't go in. I feel a bit better now though.

I was supposed to be seeing my dad on saturday, but i had to cancel because my mum thinks i am too poorly to go, and now i feel bad because i know i have upset my dad :(.

How are you anyway? How did your weigh-in go?

hope you're okay,

-xxx-