to all. sophie,lollypop, lottie,sunshine14,bluesky,lillies and you all

hehe boyfriends?? Hunni..no not for me!! Just the one thankyou :P

I'm okay...I'm having to make myself busy alot of the time cos I'm really stressed out right now. I have uni work..exams coming up...and I'm scared to be left alone in the house. The good news is that I havent binged is ages. But I still purge when I get the chance.

My ex...I'm friends with him now. Altho...I still fiind it hard to be around him..and I get those 'old' feelings back. And I feel bad about that.

My best mates ex...is being a pain :( He'll tell me how amazing I am and I find that hard to hear you know? I just wish he would give me some space....cos it's confusing my thoughts. You know how when you have a ed you sorta crave to be loved for who you are? Yeah....I have him wanting to love me for me...and my b/f. And I can't cope with it

I feel guilty cos of it all...I never meant to hurt anyone over this :(

But me and my b/f...it's going good...he's so sweet to me and thinks I'm great just the way I am.  I don't like being undressed around him...I find it hard to eat near him too...even though he understands bout my ed.

I'm so terrified bout it...but I really wanna please him.

anyway hun...sorry...I'm babbling. How are you doing sweetie? How's the horse riding, hows work??

Let me know how you are love....I miss you

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hey hun

fings on eating front r good - 6 months since it all started to go well and only 7 bad days in that time last being near 3 months ago

but genral feelings r low had a bad weekend of things and did some things i shall liv to regret

but i feel a little bit stronger today after talking it fru with sum ppl and have written a letter to giv to my therapist explainin all wat happened as i stil have a wile b4 i see her again and i always forget to say things i want and find it hard

i really want to move on with my life and the weekends events have made me realise only i can do summit about it and make my life better it will be hard me thinks but i want a succesfull life and doing what i did the weekend isnt the way

ianyway hows things with u ? i stil hav soo much to catch up on afta bein away for a bit on the boards - u made me realise how many ppl i havent caught up with - i always wonder wen the older ppl i used to tlk to - older as in not new to the boards and wer here wen i joined - wether they dunt come on here as they r better or wether they r scared to show they arnt too great still hmm

anyway take care let me kno how ur doing xxxxxx

Hi,

Things aren't that good at the moment. I had some weird moment when i was talking to my school nurse (i think it was from stress due to exams) and i was laughing at the weirdest things, so now she is going to think that i am getting better when i feel really awful and worthless.

I felt really faint from the heat today, and i used this as an excuse not to eat any lunch. A teacher looked me up and down and said that i needed to eat more - in a 'you'll feel faint otherwise' way.

I went shopping with my dad (who isee once a month) and i nearly stood on a weight machine, but couldn't because my dad was nearby and i knew he would tell my mum :(. I just really want to know what i weigh, but i also dread finding out as well in case it is over my forbidden weight.

I just feel incredibly depressed and stressed at the moment. I am not myself at all. I feel all weird and hyper and i can't relax, so this post might not make much sense.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

hey hunni, miss you 2 - wow thats so good you seem alot stronger than the last time i spoke to you (well you already were strong but i think what i mean is you seem to be copeing better) at least i hope.

I Remember when you first started your therapy and back when we were both going thru the same things, i always knew you would be a survivor- i am finding lately that with therapy generally the good weeks are great and the bad weeks a horrendous and am learning that sometimes its the decisions we make on those bad days that allow us the liberation on the good days. Like the hardest part for me is to have a bad week and when once upon a time i would have taken to controlling my food i have to remember not to.that that is anything but the answer if not the cause.and thats when its tough- thats when we feel the most weak but have to be the most strong

stacey lousie said on here once "it takes a weak person to have an eating disorder and a strng person to over come one". -- when i read that i felt it was so harsh but was so true. sometimes i thght it was a strong person who had an ED and the edges in life became blurred. Know i no that is not true and the strength it takes to fight for your life is something most people will never comprehend.

Sometimes when i am worrying about gaining weight i freak out and think but i dont really have an ED i cant put on weight, its too scary- and thats when i realise "sh*t this is an eating disorder in all its light" the deception, the fear and the genuine belief.

i just want you to remember that thru all the ups and downs in life , you are better than what you feel inside. we base our decisions only on what we know at the time, that you make more of a difference than you may ever see.- and that sometimes you cant change whats happening around you. Always remember that who you are will always stand for more than what you may try and make yourself, and that life as hard as it is - is yours to be taken.

If only we knew some of the things we know now back then. and this will always be the case. Your are incredibly brave.

Your are a star

Im glad to hear your happy with your b/f. nothing you do or dont do can make him happy hun. that is in his hands. just like yours is in yours.- but you can be together and enjoy the time you have, and learn something new about others and your self.

just keep your voice close to your heart and tell people how you feel.loveyou sweetie.keep going through the good and the bad. its a journey or so they say :-)

See hun..you still haven't told me how you are doing love! lol

Ok me and the b/f werent working out..ti was all too crazy for me.

But I'm so happy right now....I'm doing great and I actually wake up now looking 4ward to my day :D

So hunni....how are you??/

Miss you gorgeous

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hey sweetheart,

things are not going great - in fact they are pretty awful =(

don't really know what to say, but thank you ...

lexy -xxx-