Original topic post: Feeling confused...am I in denial again?
posted: 02.05.2011 message:
Hi everyone Thank you to anyone taking the time to read this. I have been told I have an ED and have struggled with restricting, over exercising and attempts to purge. I also see a counsellor and nutritionist. The past few days or so I have been feeling so confused in my head. What i think is the ed voice and thoughts are strong although I haven't really acted on them. I haven't attempted to purge for a few weeks and haven't restricted except of the odd time, for like 2 months and even before that I hadn't badly for ages. So I don't know if i am in denial but I don't think I have much of a problem or can even so I want recovery?! I'm sorry if this isn't making much sense, it doesn't to me. One day I am motivated and on track and the next i think i am being dramatic and there is nothing wrong! I just don't know what to feel or do anymore :-( Just wondering if anyone understands or can relate? Spark xxx
Reply post 1: (No Subject)
posted: 03.05.2011 message:
Hi, i know exactly what you mean. It's still just as hard with the thoughts being there even if they're not acted on. I struggle with those thoughts and there are days when i cave most days actually but when i feel like i can stop them i tell myself that i've been over reacting and im stupid for even thinking things. Whats hard is being strong doesn't really last long for me :( if that makes sense! It's brill that your seeing people and trying to help yourself, just try to keep telling yourself your strong and open up to people you feel comfortable with. Sorry if i've just rambled on, hope your ok and feel better :)
Reply post 2: (No Subject)
posted: 04.05.2011 message:
Hi Becky Thank u so much for your reply and I am glad that there is someone who can relate. I do exactly as u said, think I don't even have any issues and need to get a grip...but what a few people have said to me on here which I forget so easily is that when I am trying to fight the ED thoughts etc...of course it is going to fight me and the harder I fight, the stronger it will try and fight back! Don't be hard on yourself Hun, it is difficult to keep fighting, but keep strong and give yourself credit for your efforts. Progress not perfection :) Don't be silly you haven't rambled on. Do you mind me asking what you suffer with? Are you at school, uni or work? Take care Spark xx
Reply post 3: (No Subject)
posted: 08.05.2011 message:
Hey, i know how you feel, the voices and thoughts are horrible. I am really struggling with them at the moment too, they are so strong, i try to fight them but they just get stronger and louder. But you can do this hunny you have to keep going and keep fighting. I know there's times were you think whats the point trying or its to hard cuz i feel like that sometimes but youve just got to think you are better than this illness and there's so much more to life than this horrible ed. Keep strong hunny
Reply post 4: (No Subject)
posted: 13.05.2011 message:
Hi sorry its took a few days to reply, i think i'm coming to terms with how long it will take to feel better and theres no over night solution. At the end of the day i tell myself tomorrow will be different and i won't feel that i have no control, but i know now it takes a lot longer than that and things will get better in time. I don't know exactly myself what it is i suffer from, i'm feeling very confused. I feel extreme guilt whenever i eat and struggle with purging but i've never been diagnosed with anything but to be truthful i've never really spoken about it. I just don't know. If that makes any sense? I'm currently on leave from work going back in sept. Had to take time off to care for my son. Anyway hope your ok :) don't mean to depress anyone! X
Reply post 5: (No Subject)
posted: 14.05.2011 message:
Hey spark and hey becky and gemma.
I feel the same. It's really hard to find that balance between accepting the ed as a problem and fighting it without feeling out of control. spark, do u no what's happened recently to make things seem harder to cope with right now?
The ed feels like a comfort and it feels like it's necessary to be governed by it, but we are better than this and stronger than this. All of us. The ed damages our health, our minds, our social activities, work and exam. We must not allow it.
gemma, u r better than this illness and there is every point in trying because one day u will recover and u will be free!!
becky, have u seen your gp about eating? I was really scared to access help cos I thought they'ld laugh in my face and tell me not to be so dramatic but it wasn't like that. In fact I was flabbergasted at how seriously they took it. Recovery and the 1st steps in it are not easy, but it's the hardest things in life which bring forward the most satisfaction.
Never 4get how special and wonderful you all are.
xxxx hugs aml Adele
Reply post 6: (No Subject)
posted: 15.05.2011 message:
How have u been? You are right...recovery certainly takes time and it is progress not perfection as I like to say. You sound similar to me hun...have you ever been to your GP or other professional for help/ support? You should...you deserve to get support. Do you family know anything? It makes complete sense...I see an addictions counsellor who deals with EDs and I have never been given a label as such...just that I have an ED...I dont think I fit into one category...he once said I was at the v beginnings of anorexia. But I dont think a label is important...what is..is trying to address our ED and getting help with it.
Dont be silly you are not depressing anyone...always here to chat.
How have things been for u recently? In general recently I have had quite a few difficult things going on surrounding my family...but I dont think that has necessarily been the trigger as it is only the odd days where I have been struggling, recently. I have been doing really well...except last week I was busy at work and for some reason restricted...for some reason part of me is wanting to go backwards :-/ but I have had good days since then. You are right it does feel like a comfort but yes in truth it only makes us miserable and unwell. Thank u so much for your support :) means a lot!
How have u been? That is really good you are trying to fight them and I completely know how it feels...in that they seem to come back even stronger the more you try to fight them...but at times like these we just have to fight back stronger! But I know how hard it is. Thank you so much for your words of support too...it really helps!I have been doing really well but the past few days have been up and down.... the ED is really fighting against me at the moment...telling me things which I know deep down i shouldnt listen to!
Are you at uni, or school?
I am also hoping and in the process of starting daycare at an EDU, which I think will offer really good group therapy. So fingers crossed.
Take care everyone
Reply post 7: (No Subject)
posted: 17.05.2011 message:
Hi everyone, been struggling recently but have been back to docs as I dont want to carry on down this path of destruction! I did go to docs a few month back who referred me to the gateway team and i was told by them i'd been referred for CBT but i never heard anything back from them. I mentioned it when i was at docs last and apparently the woman who referred me was temporary and hadn't bothered. So that just made me think my suspicions of anybody not really wanting to help seem true. But i do know that isnt true, well hope so anyway. My family don't know anything, and to be honest I really am not planning telling them anything. It would just be a burden to them. But i am waiting to here from the gateway team again so hopefully i'll get someone useful this time. Hope eveyone is doing ok :-) xx
Reply post 8: (No Subject)
posted: 27.05.2011 message:
Hi Becky and everyone
SOrry you have been struggling but that is great that you are seeking support by going back to the docs. What did the doc say? I think you have to be quite pushy as some healthcare professionals just arent clued up enough about EDs and offering people support. Fight for it sweetie...you deserve it. Sometimes I think u have to be a bit pushy. They do want to help but unfortunately she forgot to refer you....ask to be referred again and call every week to chase if u have to.
I can relate with not telling family...my family have raised concerns in the past...but I recently opened up to my mum a little which was the hardest thing in the world to do as i always seek her approval...i didnt admit to having an ed but i gave the jist of some issues i had...I did feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! yea i may not have been completely honest or admitted everything but I did enough for now...i did what was right for me...and i can empathise with not wanting to burden because there has been difficult stuff going on in my family recently so that is how i have felt...I did this as I was advised to do daycare treatment by my counsellor and found out today my insurance have authorised treatment but for 5 days at the moment..then I will get reviewed at the end of the week to see if they will authorise more daycare. I am happy enough with that...I guess they dont want to throw their money away if they dont have to. So I am going in 8am Monday morning :-S I am really scared!
Take care hun
Reply post 9: (No Subject)
posted: 02.06.2011 message:
Hi spark and everyone :) how has your week been? I'm happy to hear your receiving help and i hope it works for you, you deserve it. Stay strong :) I went to see a councillor and to be honest i think he was confused with what i was saying. It so hard to explain yourself when your not sure yourself! Positive thoughts though people, we can get through this x x