Self Harming.....someone please help....

Hi. I'm sorry you're feeling like that at the moment. I know how you feel. I've tried to stop recently, but I used to be in the same positions with short sleeved t-shirts. The thing I used to do is wear t-shirts, but just wear an thin, open jacket over the top, just say you want to keep your arms warm or say you're a little self-conscious.

 My mum's also got depression, and I was really scared for about a year to tell her everything, but one day she got it out of me. It helps in a way to tell someone. She didn't get wore as i thought, but as strange s it seems, it gave her some parental responsibility. I don't know, but as I got told by my councellor "She is your parent, and if you open up  to her, it might just give her a little boost.". I'd suggest telling her before rather than just kind of showing her, but I suppose thats just personal. If you're not OK with telling her, that's fine aswell, but try some of the things I said above?

Ok honey, keep strong and you'll get through this.

Kenmei

xx 

Hi,

Nice to meet you. It is nice to know that someone out there is in the same sort of position as me, but i am upset that you are in that position, if you kind of get what i mean : /.

I had to take my jacket off today, because i just got so hot and sweaty, i couldn't stand it any longer, and it was a thick woolly jacket and i only had a short sleeved top on underneath, so i took it off and kept my arms folded so that nobody could see the scars. I think my mum noticed when i got home, but she never said anything, thank god. I hate talking about my self harming with my mum. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

thanks for helping,

-xxx- lillies

Hi again!

How are you doing? I know exactly what you mean about feeling really uncomfortable about talking to parents about it. I end up just squirming alot and ending the conversation as quickly as possible lol. Is there anyone, like a really close friend or a sibling you could talk to instead of your mum? I know it's sometimes difficult to trust other people,  but  it can help... just be careful you can definitely trust them beforehand though. Sometimes it can be hard to find someone you can actually trust, I couldn't but that's because I'm not really close to any of my family, but I was told if there is anyone else I could confide in, it would be a good idea (by my councellor).

 I hope you're coping well

Kenmei

xx 

heya hunni,

im danielle, im 15 n i was ana til God healed me.

sorri to hear the situation ur in :( i used to s/harm while i was ana but it was winter then so i cud keep it hidden. tho a psychiatrist told her but i neva let her c them. but there just abt all gone now n u can tell so it doesnt matter to me anymore. but i understand how hard it is for u :(

hunni maybe if u find it hard talkin to ur mum try writtin her a letter n say u dont wanna hav to talk abt it if thts easier. or maybe get someone else to tell her for u, i fink ive read ur gettin help from skool (correct me if im rong) so maybe get them to tell her.

hunni i no u dont wanna mak fings worse by tellin her but i no my mum finds it hard when i dont tell her stuff n finds it easier if she nos abt wots goin on so maybe it wud b betta to let hor no.

hunni im always here if u wanna chat n ill pray for u.

Danielle xxx 

Hi,

Thanks to both of you, those messages have really helped.

I'm too scared to tell my mum, because she has depression and i don't want to make it worse, and she gets all upset talking about my problems, so i try and keep them to myself, apart from the bullying, which i do tell her about. I have had my arms showing for the past few days because of the hot weather, and i have caught her looking at my arm, but she hasn't said anything, she just looks upset when she sees my arm. I've got marks on my arms, and some of them are fatter than others, and it just looks a mess basically. I hate myself so much :(. I don't think anyone can hate themselves more than i hate myself.

I showed my school nurse (who i see) the marks on my arms, and she said that they look a bit like cat scratches some of them, and because i have a cat i could get away with it, and that she would risk showing my arm because there aren't any scars on my other arm and there aren't any scars at the top of my arm above my elbow either.

Danielle - thanks for praying for me :) *hugs*

hope you're both okay,

-xxx- lillies

heya,

its ok i totally understand how hard it must, ive bin bullied n had an ED n s/hed tho i wasnt bullied at the same tym as my ED so it must b even harder for u *hugs*

does ur mum hav anyfin to help her depression if not maybe suggest she does cos it cud help her n help u. i dont no if tryin to explain y u did it (if u can) n if uve stopped s/hing tell her tht as it mite help. n mak sure she nos ur gettin support n tht u try not to s/h cos it cud reassure her.

hunni plz dont hate urself, u r a beuatiful person n ur goin thru a very difficult tym atm n need help but u dont ahv to hate urself.

its gud u dont ahv many scars n i hope ur not stil s/hing if u r try n stop n i no its so hard but u no its not wot u shud b doin, mayb rittin a list of reasons to not s/h n some rewards for when u dont n c if it helps.

ill keep prayin for u hunni n im always here for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya lillies

I spoke to you on chat the other day, and i've been meaning to post to you, but i've been working so much i havent had a minute!

i've just read your post, and i wanted tell you....IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

Think of it like this, when your doing it, it gives you that sense that everything is being released, and you feel better a few minutes after you've done it...correct me if i'm wrong, but this is how it was for me.

But then after it what does it do for you? you worry about others seeing the marks, you are left in a mess which is visible when the one in your head isnt? Hun i'm trying my best to tell you it is not worth it. However good it makes you feel at the time, the after affects are worse!

I was self harming for about a year, then about a year and a half ago (when it started to get sunny) i thought to myself "i dont want to look like this thorugh summer". And i fought it, and it was one hell of an effort, it's not easy, but i havent done it in over 6 months now. But i went to the beach the other day and sunburnt the tops of my arm, and half way down the side, and yeah i still have scars, but the reddness then made it soo visible.

So even thuogh it was a year and a half ago, i still have visible reminders of how messy and horrible my life was! You are worth so much more than this, and dont deserve to be hurting yourself!

Oh i do ramble...but another thing i wanted to say was....about your mums depression...maybe it will make her more down if you shut her out? my mam has had depression since i was 11 (nothing to do with me when it started, infact i was the one who helped her get better!) but then when i was diagnosed it all got worse again, and i have blamed myself, and havent told her anything for a long time. What im saying is, if you let her in maybe she wont feel so worthless, and that would help with her mood...am i making sense? At the end of the day she does worry about you, she always will.

i will shutup now, and im sorry for going on, hope your okay sweety, always here for you!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi,

My mum sees a counsellor once a month, but he is reducing her visits to once every six week,s then once every two months, etc until she doesn't see him anymore. She never talks about what they talk about, but thats okay. She isn't on any tablets or anything, as far as i know, but since she started seeing the counsellor she has seemed a bit happier, which is good.

I'm not still self harming. I let my little sister slap, punch, kick and dig her nails in me when she gets mad with me instead, and she does it harder and harder until i say 'ouch'. That stops me from self harming instead.

School tomorrow. Don't know how i am going to cope. I am going tosee my school nurse tomorrow though, but only for ten minutes because it is not the week i normally see her :(.

Sorry i;m not saying much, but i'm really tired.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi I understand wjere you are coming from I am 19 and have been self harming since I was ten so I know how hard it is when the people youm love found out. You just have to talk to you mom and tell her that you aren't coping with the bullying and stress you go through, I'm sure she will be upset but she will understand too and want to help you if she can, good luck and blessed be :) xx

Heya sweety,

if your mum has seen ur arms recently she will know that  you have started back up again.  She would want you to talk to her.  She is your mum and she really wants to care for you.  Even though she suffers from depression you may find that telling her will help her cope better.  Not telling her maybe making her worse.  I self harm.  I stopped for 10 months but started again in september.  My youngest brother saw one of my marks on my arms and asked me about it and I thought it was invisable.  Ever since then I have been wearing strap tops with a mini cardigan over it so my arms are covered.  No one questions me and I know that when I feel a little hot I can push my sleeves up a little bit rather than taking it off.

If any one at school sees them, like your nurse has suggested, just say you have a cat that seems to be hating you at the moment.  It can not help that you are being bullied but remember they are probably jealous of you in some way.  They do not like you because you have something they do not though what that is know one seems to know except them and even then they do not like to admit it. I was told this many times but because I felt low I could not believe this was possible.  I was bullied when I was younger it was only till I was in high school that I realise that the girl who bulllied me was jealous of my freindships and family support.  her brother at the time was in court and jaillled and her parents did not really pay much attention to her behind closed doors.  So sweety, hold your head up high and pay no attention to it.  I know it is hard but they will eventually give up.

xxx 

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your messages, they have helped, but i am still too scared to tell my mum because i'm scared that it will make her depression worse and that she will despair of me.

I haven't self harmed for about three months now - i stopped about february time when my stupid brain finally realised that summer was coming up. I still get tempted to do it.

myprivatehell1 - I'm really sorry to hear that you have s/h from the age of 10 - i can't imagine what that must be like for you. I started self harming when i was 14, so i've only been doing it for almost three years, although it feels like a lifetime. I'm here for you if you need to talk *hugs*

staceylouise1 - I will try and speak to my mum more about my problems. I see what you mean now. If i don't tell her anything then she will feel worthless and shut out, so i need to include her more. I understand now, thanks. *hugs*

I saw my school nurse today - for half an hour. She kept me talking, although after ten minutes i did say that i should go, but she kept me there, but oh well, the talk made me feel better. Then i spent the whole afternoon feeling faint and ill from the heat :(

take care everyone,

-xxx- lillies

Butterflies32 - I just got your message as i logged back on to the message board. I just wanted to say thanks for trying to help (you did help) and that i am grateful for your support *hugs*

-xxx- lillies

Heya sweety,

Thats ok.  I saw your post and it reminded me of me and felt I had to reply even though many other people have and are giving you amazing suport.  I started when I was 13 and so been doing it for 7years inc the 10month break.  Having been able to stop but then start bk up again is really hard to cope with in itself and I do understand how angry and annoyed you are for doing it and the need to protect your mum from it.

You are not alone

Always here for a chat if you need it.

take care and let me know how things are going.

hugs

xxx

Stay strong honey :) we are all here for you and each other, you will find the way I pray every day to my Wiccan Goddesses and Gods and I shall pray for them to help you too, good luck and blessed be :)

Hi,

This is only a quick message - i might reply again later - i am supposed to be doing revision.

I feel so awful. I've started self harming again :(. I feel so guilty and yet i can't help it. I was sitting there last night trying to stop myself from doing it and trying to think of a way to get rid of this awful pain i feel inside, and then suddenly i had to self harm, i couldn't help it. The pain made me feel better for about a minute, and in that minute i felt this weird sense of relief. I'm sorry, i have let everyone down :(

Please don't be mad with me, i can't help it. Please reply,

-xxx- lillies

hiya,

hunni no ones mad at u n u havnt let us down, u havnt failed n sometyms it happens just try not to let it become regular. it was jsut a blip n u done so so well to go tht long :D u shud b proud hunni.

mayb now wud b a gud tym to speak to ur mum shell want to support u, rite her a letter if its easier. also try n speak to ur skool nurse agen soon n let her no cos im sure shell wanna help u.

hunni u may hav tried this before but it has helped me. when u reali wanna s/h find some ice or an ice block or somein n hold it reali tight for as long as u can, it reali hurts if u hold it long enuf but doesnt leave any marks.

hunni im always here if u need me n i will b prayin for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

lillies258 :)

Honey you haven't let anyone down, it's ok to replaps you just need to get back on track , I still self harm too sometimes and you just have to when you get the urge do something else. What do you enjoy? When I feel like I need to cut I sing (I'm atrained opera singer from age 8 :) ) or write it into poetry or read a book, until the feelings pass. Believe me I know how hard that is sweetie and I relapse all the time but you will get there soon honey :) xxx

thank you for your support, I have been dealt e very bad hand of cards but I'll be ok :) I have been s/h for so long nearly nine years but I am doiong well I used to do it every day now only do it once a week :) I am in councelling and have arranged to see my GP to get help for my ED-NOS

Blessed be :_

That's a good tip Danielle, ans she#s right it really hurts so try that :) No on efeels like you have let them down stay strong and you will get there we all will :)

Good luck and blessed be :) xx

Heya sweety, You have not let any one down. It is hard to cope with the thought and easy to act on it. Do not feel bad about it. A set back always hurts and it is the only way you feel like you can cope. You tried not to and that is the main thing. Before when I stopped for  I was told to get rid of the thing I self harmed with. It helped to start off with even though I was angry about doing it and found it hard to. I got rid of it outside the house in a bin so I could not get it back. Also try to distract yourself. Go for a walk instead of self harm or breathe your pain away concentrate on your breath and just try and calm yourself down. You could also draw on yourself where you want to self harm or write down how ou are feeling before you self harm until the urge goes. let me know how things are going take care hugs xxx

Hi,

Thank you so much for all your messages of support. I can't tell you how much it means to me, especially as i feel so alone at the moment. *hugs* xx

My dog died today. I am really upset. My mum is more upset than me though because it was her dog. She had been ill for the past two years :(. For some reason i can't cry, and i haven't cried for almost a year, and today i could only cry a little bit. I don't know what is wrong with me. I suppose it is my depression.

I self harmed again. This is the third time now and i am getting into a cycle again. I would try the ice cube thing, apart from the fact that i would look strange if i walked round the house carrying an ice cube, and i also feel this need to punish myself for being such a rubbish person.

I've been restricting my food intake for the past three days. I suppose this is my way of punishing myself, because i am so fat, even though i can see my ribs starting to become more noticeable, and i am that depressed that i don't feel like eating anyway.

thanks to all,

take care,

-xxx- lillies

heya hunni,

*hugs* aww im sorri to hear abt ur dog. i remeber when my rabbit died i was so distraut, id had him since i was 2 n i was 9 when he died.

hunni reali try not to atart a cycle agen, its so much harder to break a cycle than stop from where u r now. yep it wud b a bit strange to walk around wiv an ice cube but mayb tak one to the bathroom or somewhere else private, i found it reali helped, it so so hurts if u hold long enuf n doesnt mark or scar at all :) hunni ur not a rubbish person n u neva will b ur just goin thruu a hard tym n self harm wont help in any wayfor more than 5 mins or so but the scars will last ages n its summer now. ana used to punish me for eatin too much or bingin so i now how u feel but hunni we both no its not worth it. another fing i tried tho it mite not b as gud it depends on ur reson for s/h but use a red pen to draw 'blood' onto where u wanna s/h n i u press hard enuf u can sometyms convince urself u r s/hin n tak away the need to actually s/h.

hunni ur not fat ur beautiful n u dont need to punish urself for anyfin. hunni if ur ribs r noticable u shud definatly stop. i no tht if ur depressed u mite not wanna eat but hunni u need to.

feel free to post anytym hunni im always here n ill b prayin for u

stay strong beatuiful

Danielle xxx

Hi,

I am in a depressed state today.

This is how my depression feels to me: It is like a black hole, sucking all the happiness out of everything, and dividing me from everyone else. It eats away at my soul, taking every bit of happiness and every happy memory, and when you have had it for a long time, nothing happy remains, just a complete and utter sadness. It is like this hole in your stomach and this heaviness on your heart and when you breathe in you can feel it weighing down on you. It seeps away at all your energy and makes you see how rubbish you and the world are. You feel invisible to everyone else, wrapped up in this cocoon of sadness, where light and nobody can reach. It is so far down in a crevice that it is unreachable. Nothing takes that feeling away. You self harm to try and get rid of the horrible opressing feeling for just a few minutes and if you self harm, then the feeling goes away for a minute or so. Anything to get rid of the feeling. Anti-depressants don't work for me. Tv doesn't work. Reading doesn't work. Nothing works. You feel in a state of hopelessness where nothing and nobody can help you.

I'm sorry to hear about your rabbit - i know how horrible it is when pets die. Do you have any other pets? *hugs*

My eating is so weird. Yesterday i binge ate and today i ate about the recommended amount....which feels like a huge amount to me.

How are you doing anyway?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Heya sweety!

Im sorry i havent replied before now but i had an exam earlier on today and i revised for 13 hours solid yesterday (wish i wasnt a last minute person) so i havent really had a chance. And now i think is a good time to reply, cos i'm in a great mood (exam was fantabulous)!

First of all ....did you get a chance to speak to your mum? hun you dont deserve to go through this alone, you are not weak or selfish for asking for elp, you need it!

I'm so sorry to hear you sh again. But no way have you let any of us down! Hun i know how hard it is to stop, but hand on heart, you can do it. Don't be hard on yourself, but you cant keep on doing it. It's not worth it and your worth a lot more! Next time try distracting yourself, go for a walk or something.

Hun you said you need punishing for being such a bad person. Why are you a bad person? What have YOU done? Abolutely nithing that's what. But if i asked you what's your ed done, im sure there's a lot of answers!

Hun i was almost crying reading your description of depression, it brings back so many memories. I know it feels like nothing works, but you WILL get through this, you need to look at the posatives in life. I knwo your probabily thinking there is none, but you have your family who love and care for you, that is most deffinately a posative. You can think of more, dig through that misty mind of yours and think hard. I really hope you feel better soon.

Here for you anytime hun....take care sweety!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hiya hunni,

aww *lots of hugs* i hav also bin depressed before. hunni as far as i no ur not a christian but when im drpessed God has helped me n makin me happy agen, he did it for me just yesterday. n ill pray for u loads.

yeah for a few yrs i had no pets but nearly 2 yrs ago we got 2 nu rabbits.

hunni i no it feels so much but eatin the rite amount is the best fing to do well done

hunni ill keep prayin loads

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hi,

Staceylouise - I didn't mean to nearly make you cry....sorry :( *hugs* I was just trying to help you all to see how i feel.

I'm glad your exam went okay - mine didn't. It was german and i kept forgetting what i was supposed to be doing. My concentration was all over the place because i feel so depressed.

. Something bad happened when i was younger which is my fault. I am completely to blame. My school nurse, psychiatrist etc know what this thing is and they say i'm not to blame, but i don't believe them, and i think this is where some of my problems stem from.

Danielle - I am a christian, because my parents are (i think that is how it works). I go to church on special occassions like christmas sometimes, but i don't go very often. I pray to god every night though and ask him to keep my family safe. Sometimes i just think that why would god put me, or anyone else through this suffering? Do you know what i mean? I just can't see why the world can't be a happy, healthy place where everyone is equal.

I saw my psychiatric nurse yesterday, and she phoned my mum, and my school nurse because i was expressing suicidal ideas, and my school nurse is concerned about the bullying going on, and my mum is worried about me now, and keeps telling me to perk up, like it is that easy. She is also going to speak to my psychiatrist on monday. Just shows how rubbish i am doing.

 I am definately in a cycle now which i can't break.

I never managed to speak to my mum about the self harming, because i am too scared to, but we spoke about what my p. nurse said to her on the phone about me being suicidal, and i hate talking about that stuff with her :(

I know for a fact that i won't get through my depression. I have had it for at least three years, and i was miserable, bordering on depression before that, and even before that i was melancholy, which just shows that if i haven't beaten it over that length of time, i won't get over it. I have been ill for so long that i know no other way of life. It is like this darkness sucking me down with it into the depths of despair.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

heya,

hunni to answer tht question is quite complicated n im sure someelse cud giv a betta one but ill hav a go:

God created us so he cud luv us n we cud luv him, for tht luv to b true it has to b opptional, luv wudnt b luv if it was forced apon u. so God gav us free will. tht free will also gav angles choice abt whether or not to luv God n one angel (now known as satan) rebelled agenst God n so was banashed from heaven n sent to hell along wiv all the angels hhu sisen wiv him (no called demons).

in the begining satan tricked Adam n Eve into disobeyin God n so brought sin/evil fings into the world. God didnt choose to put u thru this, satan has, to ruin ur relationship wiv God. But God still has a plan for u n he may well use these expreiences either to display his glory thru u or to to help other (if i hadnt gone thru ana i wudnt b here now helpin u)

one day God will defeat satan foreva n stop evil from happenin but this is in his tymin. satan may b doin this to u cos God has somefin special for u to do in the future. satan has bin attackin me a lot recently n i no its cos God is gunnna use me someday n satan doesnt want tht to happen but im prayin lots n clingin onto God n usein his strengh to get me thru this.

hunni its great u still pray, i u to a few youth groups/clubs run by my church which i prefer to actual church itself. i also recieve a lot of help from mychurch youth worker. i dunno if ur church runs any groups u cud join or has a youth worker u cud speak to or anyone in the church hu u cud talk wiv n pray wiv. i no havin tht support helped so much.

hunni if u look negitivly on tht fact its a cycle agen it wont help u jsut hav to try xtra hard to break it, use the tips weve given u n try not to let it carry on. pray abt it n ask God to help break it.

hunni i hate talkin to my mum abt tht kinda stuff as well but unfortunatly they hate it when we dont say wots goin on. even if u jsut rote a not to say tht ur s/hin agen but u dont wanna talk abt it wiv her but tht ur workin on it wiv ur p. nurse or skool nurse or hu eva tht wud reali help her

hunni one day u will get ova this sayin u neva will is a lie from satan. God will help u, pray abt it n ill b prayin too hunni

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I understand now about God and Satan and what happened.

I wish i could try a youth group at church, but i am too scared to and there isn't one around here....

I have already said about this on one post, but i am going to say it again because i am so upset about it.

I saw my school nurse today, and i spent 45 minutes telling her how rubbish i am doing, and then she said that she thought i had got a little bit better and that my mood wasn't as bad as it had been recently, but that isn't true, because i am feeling as worse as ever, and i just spent 45 minutes trying to explain that to her, and she didn't even seem to be listening to me because she didn't hardly ask any questions about what was going on for me. They all think i am worse because of my exams, but i know that it is everything getting on top of me, not just my exams, so now i am going to have to wait for extra support until my exams are over, which isn't until 4th June just to prove to them that it isn't my exams. I pointed out to her that the exam i was most worried about was german, and that i had done that now, and so if my exams were causing me to be worse, shouldn't i be not so depressed by now? And she said that these things take time. I am so upset. It is like nobody cares and nobody is listening to me. I feel so alone :(

I don't feel very well today, as in physically. I feel all achy and i have all ulcers in my mouth and a sore throat :(

take care,

-xxx- lillies

I also forgot to mention that my psychiatric nurse phoned up my school nurse last friday saying i was suicidal, so how can she say that i am 'getting better?'

Heya,

Maybe she does not know how to help you.  Sometimes if school nurses get the wif that you have a therapist they try to turn a blind eye and leave it to the proffessionals.  Then again she might not be like that.  I know my school was like that. 

An ED is difficult to hide especially if you want to and are doing well at school.  Maybe your school nurse thinks that that is getting better and not taking into account the suicidal part.

Sweety, you are loved by so many people and so many people want you around.  Please do not kill yourself.  I have been there so I know how you are feeling.  I am always here and I love the fact that I am able to get to know you.  Then again I know that none of this may not be of help if you are feeling like this.  It is a good thing that people do know about how you are feling.

Stick in there and take care

Lat me know how things are going.

big hugs (coz  you need them)

xxx

Hi,

Thanks for your message. I do think that my school nurse doesn't know how to act with me because of my psychiatric nurse being involved. She doesn't really give many opinions on anything and just sort of listens to me, so i think she is scared of contradicting anything the p. nurse says. I think that she feels that she isn't a support to me, but she is. She is more of a support to me than she will ever know. She has stopped me from commiting suicide so many times, and i know that without her i wouldn't be here right now.

Thanks for the big hugs *hugs back*

Today hasn't been very good. I suffer from restless leg syndrome because of my medication, which means i have to keep moving about and stretching my legs a lot, and this one horrible girl keeps laughing at me and pointing at me whenever i do it, and it is making me feel really down :(.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

heya,

its ok hunni

its a shame u dont hav one near by, i dunno but there cud b look up churchs in ur area cos most hav somefin for young ppl, n if u do find one, im sure everyone will b reali nice n u dont hav to tell them abt anyfin unless u feel comfortable but i amongst the best support ive had by a long way was ppl at my youth groups especially my youth worker.

hunni im not sure wot to say abt wot ur skool nurse sed but i do no sometyms other ppl can pick up fings u cant. hunni june 4th probs seems lyk ages away to u cos u want it now but to me it doesnt seem tht far away.

hunni we all care n wel isten n im sure she didnt do it intentionally but wel r all here to help. sorri to hear ur not feelin gud today, hope u feel betta soon.

i hav sed to my youth worker so many tyms tht i feel suicidal but she doesnt do anyfin n i no its cos she nos i wont actually do it n she is rite, i cud neva do it. mayb she is bein the same? i duuno reali sorri i dont feel much help tonite.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya sweety,

I think you are right about your school nurse.  Tell her how you feel about her though.  Tell her that she is really helping you and that with her your suicidal feelings are easier to cope with.  Sometimes telling someone how much you apppreciate them and for what they are doing helps them feel good and want to help you more.  Maybe she feels like she is not helping you now that she has found out from ur p.n. how you are feeling. 

Ignore the girl she probably has something on her body that no one can see and is laughing at you because she too is hiding something.  Ok maybe not but you never no.  Can you not get your medication changed or lowered if you are suffering from a side effect? Your p.n. should help with this. That girl is prob not helping your self esteem and you start to feel more isolated than you really.  Am i allowed to ask do you think your p.n. is helping you?  The fact that she is taking you seriously on the suicidal thing is good.  It is important that you keep talking about it especially if you are thinking about it a lot and you are planning on it. but please do  not do anything.  I just wish I could give you my phone number so you could call if you needed a chat straight away.

How is everything? you still not feeling to great.  I'm always here to talk.

Hugs

take care

xxx

I wish I could make things better for you.

xxx

Heya hun!

Oh dont worry! I'm glad you said how you feel, bottling things up doesn't help, and that's what lead me to s before, so best to get it out!

Hun your concentration may have been all over the place because of your exam, but it may haso have a lot do do with food/ fluid intake. You do need to keep your energy levels up, i messed my GCSE's up, and my A's, well i didnt quite mess them up but i know i could have done a lot better, and really now i think "if i had eaten before that would it have made a difference?" You really ned to keep your brain healthy, esp for exams.

If you dont mind me asking which ed do you have? You've probabily said but i cant remember sorry :/

Hun whatever happened to you when you are younger, i am so sorry for!  And if docs etc. have told you it's not your fault....it is not your fault. They should know more than anyone. You cant take the blame for everything in life!

Hun it pains me to read you say "I have been ill for so long that i know no other way of life. It is like this darkness sucking me down with it into the depths of despair."

There IS another way of life hun, i know it's hard to see when the world is so dark, but honestly there is so much waiting for you! Think of your future, what do you want to be? What career do you want? Family? There is much more to life!

Hun you are NEVER alone, you have lots of people who care for you and are looking out for you! And i am always here to listen to you aswell, dont ever feel alone!

Hun you have to concentrate on you, no matter who is being horrible to you, they are obv too bored with their own lives, so feel the need to make yours a misery, which is pathetic! What year are you in? Does your head of year or someone know about the bullying? It is not on and needs to be stopped!

I said to my nurse the other day "I'm gona ask for a magic wand for christmas, just to give it a go and see if it works" if only hey! But if i do get one i'll send you some luck

hope your okay hun, always here if you need anything

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi,

I am so, so, so grateful for all your support *hugs*. I don't know what i would do without it.

danielle - I think that my school nurse doesn't think i am actually going to do anything, because i have been saying things like that for the past one and a half years, so she is probably sick of hearing about it by now, and she probably wants me to just shut up about everything and just get better.

I'm not very confident about joining new groups, so even if there was one around, i don't think i would have the guts to join it...sorry....:(

You have been a help, so don't worry *hugs*

butterflies32 - I think i will tell her how i feel about her being a help and stuff, but i don't want it to sound too weird, if you get what i mean? I think i will just say something like 'you are helping me such a great deal at the moment, and you have stopped me from commiting suicide so many times', just to show her that she is actually helping me.

I'm not sure what is happening with my medication. I am seeing my p.n tomorrow, so i will ask her. I am so nervous about tomorrow, because i'm scared that my psychiatrist will have said something bad/my p.n will ask me to stop seeing my school nurse. I can't really say whether i think my p.n is helping me, because i have only seen her by myself for one session, so it is early days...

Everything is not good at the moment. People are still being nasty to me at school,. everyone has forgotten about me, my exams are getting me down, and i feel more alone than ever. Sorry to be so depressing :(

Staceylouise1 - It was nice talking to you on the chat yesterday. As you know, we had one thing in common, which was really weird, and i am still trying to work it out.

I think i have anorexia, although i'm not too sure, because i am really fat (the scales say i am underweight, but i don't believe them) and i binge eat, so i think i might have EDNOS.

I don't know what i want to be in the future...i used to have all sorts of ideas but recently i have just drawn a complete blank. The only thing i know for sure is that i want to help children in some way.

I'm in year 12 - sixth form. My school nurse has talked to the pastoral co-ordinator - but the p.co says that it is up to me what happens next.

I'd like a magic wand too.....

Binge ate again today....quite badly...am so fed up...:(

take care everyone,

-xxx- lillies

heya hunni,

hunni im sure shes not fed up. i no my youth worker jsut genuinly nos i cud neva actually do it, she nos tht God in perticual means far to much to me for me to eva b able to actually end it.

its a shame ur not confident enuf to join anyfin ive found them so helpful

hunni how was ur appointment wiv ur pn today? *hugs* hunni it must b so hard for u havin to cope wiv bullys as well as everyfin else. ive bin bullied so i no how awful it is n i wudnt hav coped as well as u r if i had all this at the same tym so well done hunni

im glad ive bin helful hunni n im always here for u n ill keep prayin loads for u

Danielle xxx

Heya sweety,

I do not think that tellling someone how you feel is wierd at all and she will appreciate it.  (it prob will make her day as well and make you feel good about yourself if only for a little bit). I think what you plan to say to her is good and you need to say it.  Maybe explain that when you have thought about dying you know that she is there and that she makes you feel a little bit happier about yourself.

Your psychiatrist can not stop you from seeing your school nurse but she may feel a little uncomfortable with you speaking to her.(the p that is about your relationhip with the school nurse.).  I doubt though that she will take away the help that you are finding really helpful and may try to work with it.  Your psychiatrist will not have said any thing bad about you although I do understand your worries and fears.  I do not exactly get on with my psychiatrist but I guess that is becaause I do not get on with people in authority very well.

Early days with someone is hard but it is obvious from what you have said that your p.n. cares about you and wants to help you but to do that she needs to bring in other people to help you. The more she works with you the more she will realise what works and what does not. But you need to let her know this as well. Trust her she can help you.  If she wants you to stop talking to your nurse then she will help you with that and ween you off the nurse. If she is good at her job she will be able to do it so you feel comfortable with not seeing your nurse.  I am aware how supportive your nurse is and if the time comes, and it will do at the end of yr 13, of leaving her, it will be really hard.  I have gone through so many people because either they have left or I have had to leave some of these it was really hard to leave because I trusted them and felt safe talking to them.

As for everything else I am so so sorry that it is really hard for you but you are doing so well and you are not being depressng.  Sweety you are not alone. I am here for you every step of the way, I know that this might sound wierd but I mean it and I can not say it any other way. Exams are stressful and get everyone down.  I have just sat (and finished) mine and I came out of one of mine ccrying because I no I have failed it.  For my exams in year 13 I got my psychiatrist at the time to write a letter to the assessment board. Know one knew about it except my head of year me and him.  No one else had to.  It took the pressure off slightly in a strange way and although I did not get the grades that I wanted I did better than what I felt I would have done because of the state I was in at the time.  maybe try it next year if you are stil seeing her. (if confuzzeld I am a university student).

Do not give up you have binged once but it does not mean you will keep doing it.  It is not a bad thing just a set back that is in the past and you can work on with help and support.  I understand the feeling of being alone and how hard it is not to feel like you are liked. But you are liked, hard to believe it  i know but it is true. Your family like, no love you, I think you are amazing and I  like you that is why I want to help you, so does danielle otherwise she would not be praying for you to gain the strength you need to get better, and staceylouise1 likes you otherwise she would not have been on chat or wanting to support you now. 

On this site you will never be alone.  None of us will allow this to happen. You are:

• amazing
• strong
• beautiful
• and alive (and this is a really good thing.)
• caring
• and as of all this a role model for many of us.

I will always be here to support you though the hard times and the good.  I tend to be on everyday so if you need me just post me a comment. 

 Let me know how it went with your p.n. and the medication (if you want to).  Also let me know how you are doing. 

Always here.

Always thinking of you

take care

big hugs

xxxxxxxxx

p.s. sorry for the long post I guess I just had a lot I wanted to say to you. I have been were you are know and I occassionally slip back into it.  It is hard to do and live with but you can do it.  Have you tried writting your feelings down on paper when things get really tough or you feel like you want to binge.  I believe you with your suicidal thoughts.  It took me 3yrs before I let someone know how serious I was and even though I was talking about it did not mean that I would not do it.  I haven't obviously but I am starting to realise that how ever much I wnat to death is not the way out.

love

xxxx

Heya sorry,

Just read staceylouise1 post (hope you do not mind.  Every thing she said is right.  As for your childhood what ever happened is not your fault.  Remember you were a child.  I have to believe this and I still am struggling to believe it.  It is my s**t childhood that  has made me who I am now. 

You can do this.  I wil help you and so will everyone else.  Just like your childhood your ED and your suicide thoughts are not your fault.

YOu have made it this far...just take one day at a time.

Big hugs

take care

xxx

Hi,

Danielle - Thanks for praying for me *hugs* :)

Butterflies32 - Your message made me feel so emotional and comforted. Thank you so much *hugs*. I know i have friends on these boards who care about me, it is just in the 'real' world that i know nobody truly cares about me.

Quote: 'Your psychiatrist can not stop you from seeing your school nurse but she may feel a little uncomfortable with you speaking to her.(the p that is about your relationhip with the school nurse.).' What do you mean sorry? I don't quite understand the 'p that is about your relationship with the school nurse' - what is there to feel uncomfrtable about? Sorry :(

I can't talk about what happened during my childhood because i;m too scared that people will find out who i am, and i don't really want anyone to know apart from the professionals who already do because it would upset people.

I can hear my mum laughing (which is rare) and it has made me feel so empty and fed up inside.

The meeting with my p.n went okay -  my school nurse accidentally walked in with another pupil towards the end, and for one moment i thought they were planning to section me or something, and then my school nurse said that she would catch my p.n after she had seen me so she could find out how the meeting went with me. My school nurse didn't even look at me :(. I told my p.n about these 'things' watching me all the time from the trees and stuff, and she thinks my medication might have to be upped, but i don't want it to be because last time it was upped it made me so tired all i did was sleep. She wrote four pages of stuff about me as i was talking, and i couldn't read what she was writing. She phoned my psychiatrist but didn't get a reply, so she left a message asking her to give me an appointment, and she was going to try and ring her again next week. She also wants to see me and my mum together on friday 5th june, which i am really dreading :(

take care everyone,

-xxx- lillies 

heya hunni,

*lots of hugs* hunni u sond lyk u need it

im sure u hav other ppl apart from us hu do truely care its just can b hard to c it sometyms. hunni ive felt lyk tht before, a lot so i no how hard it is to try n live ur life when u feel uve no one to live for but hunni ive learnt its not true n all feelins lyk tht come from evil, n its all lies n hunni i no its hard to believe this n i wud hav not believed it if someone told me tht while i felt as u do but i no no it wasnt true n i hope u can accept it to n mayb one day fully believe it

hunni i understand u not wantin to talk abt ur past on here but as long as u do hav someone u r talkin abt it wiv, hunni just remember its not ur fault none of it is n neva will b n to say tht it was is jsut another lie from satan.

hunni im glad ur meetin went ok. hunni im sure the fact she didnt look at u was just a conisidence, hunni she does care abt u. hunni last tym ur med was upped did it help once u stopped bein tired? try tellin ur pn. hunni i always dreded meetin wiv my mum but they werent as bad as i thought.

hunni ill b prayin loads n when u pray ask God to help u n protect u.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya sweety,

Sorry for the confusion. Maybe uncomfortable may be the wrong word. p = psychiatrist. What I ment was that I am aware that talking to two different people can be unhelpful  sometimes.  I know that my school counsellor stopped seeing me a few months after I started seeing someone else because they thought It would be hard for me.  They weened me off my school counsellor and I was left with someone else for 3 years.  I think it was because I was telling one person some part of my life and another another part of my life.  Too me that helped but they did not think so. They too found it hard only knowing half the story.  It also happened around the time that I disclosed about my own childhood.  I completely understand that you do not want other people to know about it as I was the same about my past and the thought that people would hate me if they found out. I do not want to know about your past (hope this does not sound nasty) I just want you to be ok and cope with life by understanding that what ever hapened was not your fault. You can do this with the proffessionals and as long as you feel safe with them I am happy. hope this makes more sense.

Hearing someone else laugh is hard especially when you feel emotionally dead inside yourself.  I guess all I  can say to this is try watching a comedy. sorry it might help I sometimes do it when my life seems impossible. I also have used the samaritans. Only until a couple of days  ago I found out that I could text them and spoke to the same person throughout the conversation.  They were quicker than email and easier to talk than by phone.  If you want I can post the text number to you so when you feel and get to the point of  given up you can text someone. (the best thing no one will ever know as they think you are just texting friends.)

The meeting with your p.n. sounds positive and scary at the same time.  A joint meeting is very hard to cope with for both you and your mum and it can go either way.  I know that my mum is really senitive and took everything that was said as a criticism the seesions were really hard. So we managed to stop them happening between us.  My therapist and psychiatrist at the time finally got the hint.  It should be ok...your mum may react in ways that you are not expecting but it will be a relief (in the long run) to know that she knows and can help support you.  It may also help with the 'it is just in the 'real' world that i know nobody truly cares about me.' She cares about you you just need to let her. Which is the hardest thing to do and a challenge.  You remind me a little bit of myself in some of the things that you have said which is why I want to help you and how I could write the last post I wrote.  I know what I wanted someone to tell  me at the time even if I wanted to not believe it at the time. I am not saying that what I say is right and exact/perfect but it is good to know that some of it is helpful.

Let me know how it all goes and how you are know. Remember it is ok to be feeling how you are feeling. It is how you deal with it that is important.  (and I am not perfect at this, though I wish I was).

Thinking of you.

take care.

big hugs

xxx

Hi,

I did badminton (sport - in case that gets edited) earlier with my brother to try and burn off some calories, and afterwards i felt really ill and shaky and had to eat something, which i felt really guilty about :(

I just watched this horrible programme on the tv and it has sent me all scared and paranoid....

I self harmed again today, although not as badly as i normally do, which is good.

This weird thing happened to me earlier. I was looking in the mirror at myself, and for a spilt second, i caught sight of myself looking not fat, and then suddenly i turned back to being what i am again - fat. What does that mean? Sometimes i get these glances, but i am never sure what they mean.

I just remembered how close i was to dying this time last year. My blood pressure was really low - something like 84/56, and when they put this clip thing on my finger, my heart rate bleeped out, and my heart rate wasn't a regular beat, it was all over the place. I can't imagine what i must have put the professional people, and my family through last year. Sorry to bring this up but it has brought lots of memories back of being in hospital...and i find it helps to talk about them.

how are you both doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Sorry i forgot to mention that my last year, my medication never stopped making me tired. I just slept all of the time, and when people were talking to me, i just kept falling asleep. I was practically sedated - well, it felt like it. So i'm not sure whether it helped or not, because i was too tired to take any notice.

heya hunni,

hunni im glad tht u ate somefin instead of just ignorin ur body lyk i used to. hunni u shud not feel guilty at all abt eatin somefin. u had done some exercise n ur body reali needed it so u shudnt feel guilty its just ur ED tryin to put u off eatin nxt tym.

hunni try not to fink abt wot u saw tho i no it can b reali hard, just try n do somefin to distract ur mind.

well done for lookin at the positives instead of just feelin bad abt s/hin agen.

hunni if ur gettin glimpses of ur urself thin then it just proves tht u r thin n tht it reali is jsut ur ED tht makes u look fat.

hunni ur welcome to tell me abt anyfin if it helps u or even if it doesnt. well done for pullin thru last yr, u dont hav to answer this n sorri if its nosey but y were u close to death? to look at a positve u feelin bad abt wot u put ppl thru givs u a reason to neva go bak there n to keep strong for them.

im gud today thx hunni :D

hunni im sure they no abt u bein tired last tym but say ud reali dont wanna b upped cos u dont wanna hav those side effects agen especially if ur not sure it even helped

hunni remember im always here if theres anyfin u wanna say n ill b prayin for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx 

Heya lilles!

I'm so sorry i dont get a chance to reply as much as the other girls, i'm trying to do as much revision as i can, and with work aswell, i hardly get time....i'm really sorry!

Yeah after that chat it's been annoying me! i have one appt left and im so scared!  

hun trust me the scales are correct...NOT your eyes! you are deffinately not fat if the scales say your underweight.

one thing that helped me get out of my bleak life was goals. i really do belive you NEED them to get better. It can be anything. One of mine was uni (which when i thought about it was 11 months away, now it's only4!! I did a timeline at the multifamily group i was telling you about, and it started from that day and went all the way up to this september (which is when i start uni-hopefully!) and i belive that doing that made such a difference. I knew when everything was happening and how far away it was etc, but seeing that down on paper made it all reality, it scared me how long i'd been consumed by ana, and how little time i have to sort my life and head out before i move out!

Hope you dont mind but i've read through all these posts, and you said about hearing you mum laugh and feeling empty! i know how this feels....it's horrible! i used to be sat alone in my bedroom, facing these 4 walls. hearing my mother, step-father, brother and sister laughing and joking together, and it killed me. It ate me up inside knowing they could have a laugh without me there. I always thought they were having a good time cos i wasnt there, then as i started to be with them more (took a lottt of effort) they were still having a laugh and a good time, then i realised it wasnt cos i was not there, it was just that i was missing out on all the good bits! you can join in hun, and i know it's hard, but even if you just sit there for 10 mins and have to leave, you can!

i really hope the meeting with your mum goes okay. i HATED meetings with mine, but i found things out i never realised. Like she'd say something, and i'd think "i never realised you actually knew that" it was weird, but some good did come out of it. i hope it goes okay hun, i'll be thinking of you!

hun about looking in the mirror, you really are not fat! so these glances of someone you see looking thin IS actually you! i know it's very hard to belive but it's true! i once read in a post on here that when it happened to that person they felt like ana needed a break just for a few seconds. i guess that's quite a good way of describing it. i'm not too sure though hun, i've never seen a thin person when i look in the mirror unfortunately

hun thinking back at memories can be a good thing, it can help motivate you never to go back there! keep thinking of things like that if it helps! or if you have diaries from that time, maybe it would be good to read them. I dont know if you remember but i was saying about wether it's a good idea for me to read my diaries from when i was at my worst, well i still havent got round to it yet, maybe on purpose, but im not sure if it would be a good thing. but if looking/thinking back to old memories helps you then do it hun!

again im really sorry i dont get a chance to replyvery often! i really hope your okay....stay strong sweety, youu will get through this!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heya sweety,

I am not sure what the mirror image means but try and keep that thin image in your head all al times and try and believe it. Wel done for the sport and eating afterwards.  I can understand the guilty feelings but I guess we need to try and believe that we are ment to eat and not look like skin and bones.  That it is ok to eat.

As for the hospital that must have been really scary but maybe it is a good thing that you are thinking about it. Maybe it is your mind telling you how it used to be in order to help you beat this ED and not let yourself get that bad again.  Sorry it is just a thought.

Let me know how it is going.

Here if you need to chat.

Take care

xxxx

Hi,

The reason i was close to death was because my bmi was in the danger category and i kept getting chest pains and heart fluctuations, and the professionals said that if i lost any more weight then i could die, and i was only a tiny amount away from being tube fed in a hospital ward.

I am so so so disgusted at myself.  I've eaten the biggest amount of food - i have ever eaten in a day long binge eat

I'm at my nan and grandad's, and so far i haven't s/hed.

My mum rang me and told me that my psychiatrist doesn't want to see me because she only has two options: hospital or change of medication, and she doesn't want to do either of those things, so she wants me to see my new psychiatrist at the start of july. They are just leaving me and don't give a toss about me. That has upset me a lot.

how are you all doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies