Similar patterns to what read but not sure, Can some one help me?

hey sweetheart,

well done for coming on here hunni. it took me a long time to summon up the courage to join these boards and it is one of the best things I have ever done.

I have not exactly been told that I have a specific eating disorder, they tend to refer to it more as eating difficulties for some reason.

hope you find the boards helpful sweetie,

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya

thanks lexy  it makes me feel a little better tht I am not the only one.  No one around me undestands what I am going through and I just pass my eating  off as nothing.  a woman yesterday found out that I had no money or food in the house (for the last few months I have been living on my own) and gave me food the next day.  I felt really guilty about it and don't like to eat it because of what it is.  I wish I wasn't living alone but I can't go back home because I can't stand it there and the thought of constantly having to eat. 

Joining this forum has  been hard but I need to share it and try and help others as well.  I like everyone else on this forum finds it hard and needs support I feel that that can only been given by the people who know what its like.  Some people just pretend to know this keeps me in hidding about my eating problems because I don't want to be seen as different but it makes me starve myself even more especially on the days that I don't see people or if I go out for a meal with a friend I worry about it all day and try and shw that there is nothing wrong with me. 

Hope your ok and that you are managing...you seem like a strong person by the way you write. 

take care of yourself to

xxxx

hey sweetheart,

thank you hunni =)

people seem to be able to tell a lot about me through my writing style, didn't even realise I had one!!

Today has been difficult, but I am managing thank you sweetie. I know what you mean when you say that if you are going out with friends you feel as though you have to show that there is nothing wrong. I had that problem wednesday when I was with my dad for the day (my mum and dad are divorced and live in different towns and so my dad doesn't know too much about my ed - also my stepmum had bulimia and so I feel as though she is constantly watching me).

I know that this will not make you feel any less alone, but we are all always here for you sweetheart.

take care and let me know how things are,

lexy -xxx-

heya sweety,

sorry to hear you had to go through that it is difficult I no.  I am at the airport waiting to go home and I am dreading it.  I have bought food just to prove to parents that have eaten.  Yesterday I starved myself and I kinda got an adrenaline rush from it.  if this makes sense.  I am struggling to think about what I have bought and to eat it. 

take care

xxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

glad I can be of some help hunni!

waiting at the airport? been anywhere nice??

I know its not easy sweetie, but the rush you will get from not eating to start with will pretty soon turn to you feeling down and tired, so try and eat something little hunni. it doesn't matter what, even if it is just one bite of something, but maybe by taking small steps it will gradually become easier?

let me know how you are getting on sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

No no where nice I study in scotland but my family is in england.  I was travelling back down to them.  I already feel down and have the tiredness(although iron tablets are helping with this)  I feel like I waste peoples time because I can not cope with my feelings.  It's all so hard. especially to make myself eat.  I feel worse when I have eaten and that is what gets to me.  Food has practically become my enemy.  I feel so fat and am scared to look in the mirror or weigh myself but at the same time I want to know if I have lost any weight..  I am getting fed up with myself and other people around me.  I hate to know what they think about me.

Sorry for moaning you probably do not want to hear it.

how is it going with you??

take care and thank you.

xxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

of course I want to hear it - I wouldn't come on these boards if I didn't.

I know what you mean. you end up feeling so torn as you don't want to know in case you have put on weight but at the same time you do as there is a kind of need to know.

what you taking at uni sweetie??

I'm finding it hard to make myself eat at the moment as well hunni.

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

thinking of you,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hunni I am sorry you are struggling.

Eat little but often something you told me to do. Try just eating * or *. keep telling yourself that you are gorgeous just how you are. I know its hard but you need to try.

I have gone the other way.  I binged all day yesterday and eat enough for three days.  I feel sick and dirty now because of yesterday.  Part of me is saying that is a good thing that I amm an idiot and that I do not deserve food, the other part is saying that I am an idiot to be doing what I am doing  and need food and I am in the middle not knowing what to do except that I am an idiot.  I am studying psychology for four years I have practically just finished my first year just got a few exams to go back for but I really can not be bothered with them  I'm not bright enough to be were I am and so sometimes I do not see the point.  It is hard to cope with,with course that is, but at the same time it is interesting.

I admire your strength and courage, I really do.

take care hunny,

loves

xxxxxxxxx

p.s. let me know how it is going?

am thinking of you.  good luck.

xxx

hey sweetheart,

of course you are bright enough sweetie - you wouldn't be there otherwise!!

I did that as well sweetie - went from restricting badly to non-stop bingeing. I guess it is just because our bodies are starving and so they need food to survive. sometimes our bodies seem to be able to override our minds, which I guess is a good thing in one way.

I'm hoping to take psychology at uni as well =D. have had 4 offers, but am deferring my entry for a year as I need to take my a2 in psychology next year as I had to miss a few weeks of school due to my ed and depression just after christmas this year.

things are okay, but not brilliant.

how are things going for you sweetie??

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

good for you it is always good to have ambitions and to get four offersis amazing.  You should be proud of yourself.  I to took a year out but this was becausse I was in therapy and I thought it would help me but I still feel worse off they never really addressed my eating problem and just told me to keep eating three meals a day and moved on to something else. It's easy for them to say.  It didn't occur to them that I may need more help when I went down x dress sizes due to not eating and excessive exercise within x  months so I wonder if I suffer from ENDOS or anything or if it is just in my head.

One of my lecturers said that I had a problem that I needed to get addressed as she pointed out that even though I might aim to eat three meals a day the following day I wouldn't and she is right.  Every time I set a target I am never able to complete it.

Psychology is a good subject even though it can get overwhelming.

Sorry for rambling.

I'm not great am panicking for next week I am going on a family holiday to a place that I have never been to before and I am scared that my coping stratagies will fly out of the window and eating will completely stop.  On top of this I am feeling very depressed.

Keep going sweety...things will get better.  You can survive.

Good luck and take care.

*hugs*

xxxx

awww sweetheart!!

let me know how the holiday goes sweetie,

soz it's such a short post, am feeling pretty rough today due to lack of sleep.

take care and let me know how things are going,

lexy -xxx-

I  will do.

SOrry your feeling pretty rough.  Get an early night tonight.  I feel s*** myself.  Am really struggling.

surprised to find that I have logged myself on to the board.

take care.

*hugs*

xxxx

hey sweetheart,

I'm struggling at the moment too =(

early night? don't know the meaning I'm afraid  just have so much to do that sleep seems to be getting pushed aside.

hope you're okay sweetheart,

let me know how you are,

thinking of you,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Things seem harder if you do not sleep. You need to try although I understand that when a lot is going on the last thing you want to  do is sleep. You are doing well.

I am not doing very well and I am really struggling with just about everything especially eating I do not know where I am with it. I just want to get back up to scotland so I can speak to my psychiatrist about it.  All that I know is that I am feeling really low/depressed at the moment.

Let me know how you are

take care

*hugs*

xxx

p.s. I am away for the next week and I am really scared about it as it means that I will have to eat.

hey sweetheart,

oh hunni!!! I'm going to my dads for the day tomorrow and know that I will have to eat 3 meals and am worrying about that, and that's just one day, let alone a whole week!!!

you can do this though sweetheart!!

I'm feeling pretty low too =( as are you I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist on thursday as I feel as though things have changed drastically pretty quickly.

hope you're okay sweetheart,

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya gorgeous,

Just got back from wales today.

that is hard to do eat three meals especially with an EDNOS.  DOes your dad know???  How did it go?? your doing well sweety.

How did it go with your therapist? did she help?  I have to wait a week monday before I get to see mine.

Wales was strange.  I was really ill on the first night being sick so did not eat for a day.  My tablets then became a laxative as everything I ate just came straight back out and it was not until thursday when it got to the point when I could not hold myself up for more than 10mins that I decided that I should stop taking them. 

Take care.

*hugs*

xxx

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear that you were ill while you away sweetie.

yeh my dad does know.

It went okay with my therapist thank you sweetheart. me and my mum saw her again today. I'm being put on a meal plan tomorrow and I told her how I don't want to do it, and she was quite helpful with that.

how come your tablets started acting as a laxative sweetheart?? have you said anything to your doctor??

let me know how you are doing,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Try the meal plan it may help you get back on track.  If you have your mum to support you it may be easier to do it as she can help you.  Don't give up on it.

Every time I look in the mirror I see what I see wen I catch myself on the side of a car.  Fat and disformed.  I am so confused.  Iron tablets keep me healthy but I do not trust myself with them  My doctor told me that if I got one of the side effects to cut my intake down to two.  I haven't and I can't. 

I'm sorry for  the pessimistic mood.  I am having a hard time and food is the only way I can make myself feel better.  My doctor is up in Scotland not down here in England.  I don't really know if I want to tell her.   Sorry I do want to stop but I can't face telling my doctor I am scared of what she will do or say.  Maybe I wil mention it to my uni counsellor or psychiatrist when I see them next week.

Other than this I spoke to a friend on the phone the other day and she helped me see how strong I can be I just need to ask for help and tkae the advice which is what I am trying to do.

Sorry

Hope your ok??? let me know how the eating plan is going and keep being strong you can do this.

take care

*hugs*

xxxx

hey sweetheart,

I'm not going on the meal plan as I told them that I wasn't motivated to do it and so she said there wasn't much point. feel like I've kind of been left in the lurch, but hey never mind.

you are strong sweetheart, to be fighting this every day!! I broke down to one of my friends today and she also reminded me how strong we all are.

its good to hear you are trying to take the advice sweetie!

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

That sems a little odd but if you are not commited I can see why she has said that.  being motivated is a big part of it.  Is there any thing else you can do?? I know it is hard sweety but you don't want to be an IP (in-patient).  I know someone who was and she hated every minute of it. Please be careful.  Your friend is right you are strong. I know it does not feel like it I know I do not feel very strong at the moment but for you to be on this board and given advice and making it through every day all day makes you a very strong person.

I really want to go back to uni I am hating food so much that I do not want to be any where near it.  However, I know I won't feel better it's just the voice.  I can not cope with it I do not want to cope with it.  I feel that every mouthful I eat is polluting my body and I have nightmares of myself growing so big that I explode and food is everywhere the food has become my organs and I can not deal with it.  It's like I am developing a fear of food or obesity. I do not no which.  I am told that food is dirty and will kill me and I do not know where these are coming from because I do not normally think like this. It is normally just you are huge don't eat over exercise and that food is fatting and everything is highin calories(even though I know they are not). 

I'm at it again. I 'm really sorry I just feel so out of control.

How is it going for you?

*hugs*

xxx

oh and thank you for making me feel welcome. I was scared that no one would anwer to my first post as I thought these things were close knit.  I have a fear on how people perceive me.

of course you're welcome sweetheart!!

I felt the same as you when I first came on the boards, but everybody has to start as a new member!

I'm always worried that people won't like me or will think I'm stuck up/big headed lol, but everyone on here has been so supportive and non-judgemental.

she said that I could ring her if I thought of anything she could do or if I wanted to ask her anything. until I get the motivation to change I have no idea what I am going to do to be honest. I feel completely and utterly lost lol.

let me know how things are going,

*hugs*

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Heya hunni,

How are you doing?

I'm ok would be a lot happier if I did not have to eat. By the way you are not Big headed and stuck up if anything I think you are the opposite.

Could you not ask your thrapist if she could assign you to a dietian and nutritionist. Learning what food can do to your body and how you can eat healthly and low in calories might help you feel a little more motivated.  I understand the the last thing that you want yo talk about is food but going back to the basics might help?!?  Maybe you therapist could put the meal plan on hold and then introduce you to it slowly making you feel more in control of food but in a different way.  It might help? Ask her?

On the other hand you could go with your mum food shopping and have a say in what goes into the trolley and what you eat every night. This also might keep you feeling like you are in more control.

I know this might seem a little patronizing or obvious but sometimes starting at the begining might help

Hope this helps???

let me know how you are getting on and if you decide anything. Take things slowly.

*hugs* and love

xxx

hey sweetheart,

I've had an incredibly difficult day but for some reason am feeling a little more positive this evening.

Had a big old row with my best friend, but hopefully I can patch things up with her.

thank you sweetheart. that made me smile.

the dietician and nutritionist sounds like a good idea, just don't know if I would have the guts to mention it lol.

I have my drama exam on monday and so my mind is more focused on learning my lines for that at the moment to be honest!

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

thinking of you,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Ahhh the good old days. I did drama for GCSE's and I loved it it was the only thing that kept me going.  Good luck with the line learning and the exam...and do not panic or judge yourself on your performance if you think you have done badly.  I messed up big time on my last drama exam and the people in my group started slagging me off behind my back because of it and were off with me as well. (one of them was ment to be my best friend at the time.) As if I didn't feel bad enough as it was.

Sorry to hear that you have fallen out with your best friend that can't help.  Give her a call for all you know she may be feeling the same as you.

I do not know if this makes sense but sometimes things have to get really hard before they get better automatically and a lot of the time the reasons are ok,  What ever you did for the change of mood well done!!!

I'm off to uni tomorrow which is a bit worrying for me.  Whilst I have been down here my food intake is starting to stabalise which I guess is great but i have this nagging feeling deep down that is telling me that all this is going to be upturned and I  will be eating bad or rather not eating at all.

I am ill again which does not help am suffering from loads of headaches that is causing me not to sleep very well and I have contracted a sore throat and I am scared that I may have tonsilitis whiich will not help when it comes to eating.   Other than that it is going ok.

Try mentioning the dietician to your therapist. maybe wait till after your exam on monday though.

Take care, good luck

thinking of you.

xxx

p.s. May not be back on till monday but not enterly sure when.

hey sweetheart,

I do love drama but sometimes it can be incredibly stressful!! (such as today ).

yeh I know what you mean about it having to get really bad before it gets better.

sorry to hear you're feeling ill sweetheart.

I really don't know what turned my mood around, but I've had just as bad a day today. ended up in tears after the worst dress rehearsal I have EVER had and trust me I have never had a smooth performance!  for my GCSE piece my teacher pulled one of the members of our group out on the day, last year they changed a section on the day, and this  they pulled someone out of our performance 3 weeks before our exam and had to recast/redirect the whole performance and its all in medieval language as well.

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

have a fab weekend if I don't speak to you again before monday! hope going back to uni goes okay!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Wow I can see how it can be stressful.  I would have a screaming fit at the teachers if it was me.  Hopefully they won't do anything more.  Do you know y they pulled one of your group members out or did they just do it for the fun of it?

I am feeling a wee (little) bit better today.  The thing is I am worried because I am really struggling to eat again.  I had five days when I found it really hard to eat and eneded up praising myself for it at the end of each day.  Now I don't want to eat and the thought of food shopping terrifies me because of it.  Am seeing my uni counsellor today and a psychiatrist tomorrow so finally I will be able to do something about all of this but I know that they will probably just say to me to just get on with it and once I have gone food shopping I will be forced to eat before the food goes off but I am just not hungry and I know that most of the food will just go to my flat mates.  This is just doing my head in.

Other than this I am doing fine.  Paid for everything that is outstanding inc. debts just about, just have to pay for rent and travel back home. so now I know how much money I have left that I can spend on myself.

Hope your drama exam went well today.

let me know how it went and how you are doing.

*hugs*

thinking of you

xxx

hey sweetheart,

it went okay thankyou. forgot one of my lines but hopefully that won't matter too much.

eating is going terrible unfortunately. I want to not eat, but I manage throughout the day and then end up bingeing in the evenings and so am gaining weight quite rapidly. I hate it!

sorry its such a short post - I'm really tired.

let me know how you are doing,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

forgetting one line shouldn't be a problem. 

In the day try eating a little bit even if you are not hungry it might help with the binges.

I saw my psychiatrist today and she is supposed to be helping me with my eating and self harm but she is doing nothing.  She just doesn't seem interested.  In fact all she cared about today ws my irontablets and writing to my GP to get them changed.  I hate her so much.  I do not get long with her so can not talk in depth about things.  I just want to scream at her I want to be able to eat properly but I need help in doing it and all she says is you just are gong to have to eat.

Sorry for the rant well done in the drama.

How is it going, keep trying with the eating during the day.

Love and hugs

xxx

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear about your psychiatrist hunni! *hugs* would it be possible for you to change at all? it will be a lot of hard work, but worth it in the end.

thank you sweetie =)

it's not going great. me and my friend have kind of hit a brick wall and decided that it is too difficult to carry on our friendship at the moment. eating is going terrible and am just feeling really low.

let me know how you are doing,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

Was reading another one of your posts in another section. I do not know if you have sorted it out yet but don't move out.  It makes you feel even more alone.  Trust me I thought moving out would be great (even if it was to halls 500 miles away from home) and I feel even more isolated than I did before.  My eating has got worse and I am really struggling with the thoughts.

Your mum adores you and probably blames herself for your ED that is probably why things are so hard between you she probably does not know how to approach you or when to.  It must be hard to think that she is not the kind of person that will not listen or understand.  There could be some un spoken words between you that need to be said. Have you tried this where both of you just sit down and take it in turns to say what is on your mind.  It might help?

Always here for you sweety.

Take care.

xxx

Oh sweety,

I'm so sorry to her about that with your friend.  Maybe both of you need a break. although this is not much help but I am really not sure what to say except that I will always be here for you if you ever want to chat. As for the food just keep trying that is all that you can do.  Have you spoken to your therapist at all rrecently.  I know you did not like her last suggestion and told you to think of one but she may be able to lift your mood slightly.  Maybe work on positive work for example making positive remarks about yourself and try to believe them or just take time out.  Have early nights you must be exhausted at the moment. 

I'm too scared to change psychiatrist and atm i only have to stick with her until I have moved up the waiting list although it is hard when you feel like someone wants to be anywhere but in the room with you. It does not do much for the little self confidence that you have.  I'm not 100% at the moment either am only eating one meal a day and can't get any higher than that.  I just can't be bothered with it anymore feel like it would be easier to just let it take over.  I willl keep trying if you do.

You are strong and amazing.  My friend said to me the other day that I had an amazing figure I don't see it.  I'm going to say the same to you. you have an amazing figure that people.

Take care

Keep in touch

hugs

xxx

hey sweetheart,

thank you for both your lovely posts =)

I won't move out, at least I don't think I will. I'm too much of a coward

I spoke to my therapist on monday and she is going to ring me again tomorrow, but I am not going to see her properly again until next monday. I did see my counsellor today but I don't know if that made things better or worse lol.

I can't have early nights I'm afraid hunni. I have too much too do and too much to worry about.

As for the trying don't worry I've probably put on three times as much as I wanted to and just feel absolutely disgusting so don't really care anymore.

soz to be negative hunni,

let me know how you are doing,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

There is nothing wrong with being negative.  Whats the point of helping other people and not let yourself be helped either.  It's a good thing...I think.  Although at the moment it's one rule for me another rule for other people.

Being stressed and having loads to do does not help.  Just get one early night.  Forget about what you have to do. It might help you feel a little bit better the next day and you probably get loads more done.  I guess you are on your are in your exam period???

It is good that your therapist is going to ring you today it might help to talk things through with her though not in depth especially if you are not sure about how you are feeling about your counselling session.  Maybe yesterday with your counsellor was hard and stirred up a little to much and that you now feel confused and maybe no further forward but maybe that session helped yu more than you think.  Maybe thinking about the things you talked about yesterday put things into perpective and were things that you want to do that are positive but your ED is thinking the complete opposite and know you feel torn between yourself?!?

Sweety have you really put on three times as much as you wanted to or is that your ED saying that??? sometimes the thoughts will get mixed up and confusing and you do not know what are yours and what is not.  But you probably know that already.  If you are eating the equivilent of three small meals a day the you may start putting on weight but that is because your body will not know when it will nxt be fed.  The longer you stick with it the more likely your body weight will even out and you will be the weight that you should be not what you want to be. 

God that sounded intelligent and I have no idea where that came from although I know that it is true.  I sometimes think right I will try to eat three small meals or the equivilent and feel good about y goal and then once I start doing it and putting on weight I stop and hate the size I am becoming.  The trick is to stay with it and how we do that is up to us but we cannot do it without help and without the ED getting to us and we believe what it is teling us and the cycle begins again.

I'm ok. finding things hard and it doesnot help that I am able to get A's in my examination work because it makes me believe even more that I do not have to eat because I have this bizzare thought that not only do I have to be thinner  but that food clogs up the parts that I need to store information, in order to do well and suceed.  My perfectionism re inforces this and I cannot get any where past it.  Except to not eat much if I can get away with itnothing and fill myself up with information.  Which I know is wrong but I can not help it.  My best friend is also ment to be coming up for a long weekend in a couple of weeks so I am looking forward to that as I have not been able to see her since very early January.

stick in there sweety I know that it is hard but things will get better eventually. Are you still thinking about the meal plan.  Maybe do pro's and con's for it.  It will be hard to start it but it might help.  Not that I am going to force you to coz I would hate it myself and I can only go so far with being hypocritical.

You are also not a coward.  I do no think that someone who fights as hard as you do can ever be a coward what ever she does and how ever hard she finds things.

Sorry for long post

Keep going

Take care

huge hugs

xxx

p.s.

also let me know how you are getting on.  I'm here to support you.

xxx

hey sweetheart,

thank you so much! *hugs*

I have felt really rough all day today and just binged and ended up in tears.

Am going on a date but really don't feel ready for it.

awww hunni!!! hope you have an amazing time with your best friend!! talk to her but don't forget to have fun as well!

yeh, I am in my exam period. had my first one on monday, and have my next on 16th May. how are things going for you?

I definitely do feel torn between myself. I have no idea which part is stronger at the moment either.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

That sounds interesting how was the date did you enjoy it?

Which part do you want to believe? I would focus on that and make that the stronger one if you can although i know this can be difficult in it's self.

Things are ok am still struggling to really eat but it's not cause i do not want to.  I really want to binge but food makes me feel sick still.  I'm trying everything to get rid of the full feeling.  My friend reckons it could be because of my tablets but if it's not then I do not think I can face a session with my psychiatrist.  I know that this sounds strange but I am trying to eat and i really want to eat it's just something is stopping me.  I am also starting to struggle to eat in front of other people and this is hard because I have never felt like this before.

Let me know how your date went.

Hope you are ok??

take care

xxx

hey sweetheart,

*big hugs* you sound as though you need them =)

the date went okay. got my friend coming over soon which I'm petrified about.

sorry its such a short post. I'm too exhausted to think,

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey sweety,

no probs  about the short post you do ot have to apologise to me ever!!!

A short post gives out more than a long one.  I am so sorry that you are feeling exhausted at the moment it sounds like you are struggling with your ED and everything else you have to do.  DONT OVER DO IT.  I know that you keep saying that you have loads to do but sometimes a break from things does the trick. Enough of the lecture.

It's good that your friend is coming over is it not?? What makes that so scary?

I'm still not eating and I am coming to terms with it slowly which I guess is bad news.  I have a lunch appointment with a friend today and I am dreading it. The lunch that is not seeing the friend. I also have my psychiatrist for half an hour tomorrow and that scares me one because I do not like her and two because I am scared of her and what she will do when she finds out what I have been or not been doing.  I just can't make myself eat and when I do I turn to something that no one approves of. Even on this site people tell others that it is not a good idea (me being one of them) and yet I use them which makes me a hypocritic.  I just wish I knew what I need to do to get myself rigt again.

Sorry for the depressing post I do not mean to put all this on you.

Thanks for the hugs.

How are you doing??? you ok? Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.  You have been such a big support to me that I want to give it back to you. (if this makes sense)

Take care.

xxx

hey sweetheart,

you are giving it back to me hunni. =)

I'm doing okay, but not feeling great. have only just managed to get myself out of bed for the first time in 3 days and go into college =(

try not to worry too much about your psychiatrist sweetheart. how did the lunch appointment go today?

I have my friend coming over again this evening, and she said that she has something to give me, but she needs to eplain it, and I might not like it, so I'm a little anxious about that.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya,

My appointment with my psychiatrist went really well to the extent that I finally think that she understands me.  Thing is she has confirmed for definate that I deffinately have an ED and now I am really scared.  I am trying not to cry as I know its not the end of the world but I still can't come to terms with what I already knew.  I am so so so scared and now I am afraid of letting her down as I am still doing things that She asked me not to do although she knows she can't stop me.  I was almost in tears by the end of the session.

I now have to tell my parents and I am terrified of what they are going to do once they have found out.  I have been so careful around my family especially as I have a young brother who would not understand.

My lunch appointment yesterday went ok although I ate nothing for the rest of the day.

Sounds omnious what your friend has for you and I hope it means something for you.  Well done for getting out of bed after 3 days that must have been hard but it shows the strength that you have. Wel come backin the sense of getting out of bed.

how are things going.

take care

xxx

hey sweetheart,

not too bad. had a therapy session this morning, and a counselling session yesterday afternoon.

what my friend had for me was a letter.

thank you hunni =)

glad the lunch appointment went okay. I know that it is hard to hear - I had known for about 3/4 months before I was diagnosed, but it still hit me pretty hard.

sorry I can't write more - physically exhausted.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Thatis  really nice the letter that is.  I hope it is something that you can read when you are feeling down and need a supporting piece of advice to see how preciousy you are and how much you mean to people. 

I had knon for about a year that I was suffering and had been for some time.  It just hurts to think that my other therapists didn't try to do anything about it.

Taktecare of yourself.I can see why you are drained but sweety the last thing you needis to be admitted.

Big hugs.

take care and stay strong

xxx

A flat mate found out yesterdy and had a major go at me and forced my to eat *.

That is one way to put me off food any more.  I am now scared of her and I guess this is normal but any ideas as to how I can del with her?

xxx 

heya again,

sorry keep forgetting tosay  things. just wanted to say well done for going back and seeing you therapist and counsellor how is it going with them are you finding them useful?

take care

xxx

hey sweetheart,

thanks gorgeous =)

I don't really know about your flat mate hunni, but I would try and be honest with them about how you feel when they force you to eat.

I think it's just nice to have someone to talk to to be honest.

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Things are so n so.

My friend is not coming up any more as she canot get the time off work.  I managed to scare her yesterday through text and now I am scared that I have offended her as well. I have let her down and I do not know how to make it up to her.  I am so scared that I am going to lose another friend due to my illness and I do not know if I can handle that. 

I have not seen my flat mate all weekend as she had to have an operation but she apologised on thursday saying shewas drunk but like the flat really wanted me to come out with them as I do not really do that very often.

I am really tired at the moment and that to is my fault. I also have my first exam today and I am dreading it.  I need time out and yet I know that I will never get that.

Every thing just seems to be going wrong at the moment and I am letting so many people down including my psychiatrist.  I am struggling to keep fighting although I know this is the only way to beat this disorder.  Actually maybe I am not struggling to fight maybe I am just struggling to keep a smile on my face and pretend that nothing is wrong. 

I am exhausted and I can not stop doing what I do and often burn the candle at both ends.

Sorry for such a depressing post. 

How are things going with you?

take care

xxx

hey sweetheart,

your post was not depressing hunni, its how you feel.

*hugs* I wish I could make it all go away for you =(

things are pretty much the same my end, with regards to burning the candle at both ends and I feel absolutely exhausted and incredibly low.

you wont know about the time out unless you ask hunni,

let me know how things are going,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

Are things still really bad? Oh babes DITTO I wish I could make you happier and feel like you can cope with all this I am not going to say I wish I could take it all away from you (all though I do wish this) because I know that I can not and it is up to us to sort it put alone, with some support. 

I will never get time out I need to sit exams otherwise I am a failure although that would not be new.  Also If I got physical time out I would not get mental time out I will still be ...whats the word... stressed and hating myself, I cannot leave myself alone.

Got my second exam today and I no hardly anything for it. So this should be fun ... not!!!

I hope your exams are going ok????!!!!??

Let me know how you are doing I am always here.

take care

massive *hugs*

xxx

hey sweetheart,

I don't even know what to say to be honest.

I'm exhausted.

I know what you mean about taking physical time out, but you are doing soooo well!!

have faith in yourself gorgeous.

let me know how things are going,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

heya sweety,

concentrate on yourself get your self better or at least look after yourself so you are not so exhausted.  Go to your GP and have bloods done you could be anaemic??

I failed my exam yesterday as mind just went completely blank and I had forgotten everything I had revised I ended up walking out early.  Just hope my coursework will pull me through otherwise I will have to resit in august. 

Take care sweety,  I want you to.

let me no how you are doing.

hugs

xxxx

hey sweetheart,

spent most of the day at the doctors today and am now on more medication =(

I'd been doing so well not bingeing as well and went and ruined it today =(

awww hunni!!! *hugs* I'm sure yu didn't fail. you may have done better than you think.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

hugs for the post and big hugs for the binging and medication.  You do not have to be on the meds for long sweety they are there to help you and you can get off them (what aer they for if you do not mind me asking?).  As for the binging??? try not to think about it as a binge.  think about how well you have down and how far you have come. 

I wrote two  sides for two questions for a 2hr exam.  i have failed the exam. but I do not care really it will just be one module. I am just trying to think of all the positives of failing it and the positive outcomes if this makes sense. 

I binged on thursday and then tried to rid of everything that I ate and have not eaten much since as I am terrified of the ball I have on fri.We can get through this together the binge that is we can survive tis as we are strong people who have come so far.

Sorry if this sounds like gobbledy gook I am really tired and not really with it.

Let me know how you are doing

take care.

xxx

hey sweetheart,

the medication is for anxiety, and my therapist was talking about putting me on more medication today to try and help me sleep =(

it doesn't sound gobbledy gook at all =)

really sorry but I don't know what else to say at the moment ...

let me know how things are going,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety, Things are ok at the moment. Am just packing up my room in order t go back home that is my first year complete. well on friday anyway. Eating is the same not really eating much and what I do I try and get rid of. Being on meds is not a bad thing sweety, they are there to help you. Take care babes and let me know how it is going. Keep fighting. hugs xxx

hey sweetheart,

*shrugs* all I feel able to say at the moment,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Heya sweety,

I am not sure what to say to that.  I know this is hard for you and I want to support you if you will let me.I am doing fine at the moment Had my psychology ball last night  and it was ok better than I thought it would be. 

I think you are amazing sweety,  You are fighting even though there seems to be a big part of you that says whats the point.  The less you eat the tireder you become. The tireder you get the harded things become and the harder it is to eat. It is a viscous circle.  I read some of your other posts and it is worrying that you felt that if you did not get hospitalized your friend would think less of you and think that you are making things up a big deal out of nothing.  sweety listen to me you do not want to be hospitalized.  If you get so ill and weak you will hate it and feel even more powerless than you do now fighting your ED. 

Sweety you have giving me amazing support and I really want to do the same.  Sorry now I am being pushy.

let me know how you are.

Take care

thinking about you always

big hugs

xxx