just to say

Hiya!

I was gonna leave a message yesterday to say thank you but didnt have time in the end. It was a lovely chat last night and made me feel so positive for the rest of the night and it was all down to you guys so THANK YOU!!

Talking to you all yesterday, i think we all sounded quite similar so i agree with you chalkeybaby. I also agree that being on your own dwelling doesn't help things. I love this site so much, chat was so much better being longer too.

Haha smallfry, what happened about the spider in the end? I was actually laughing out load about that, i haven't done that for a while , eww i actually hate spiders!

Thanks chalkeybaby for your offer of support, im here for you too! If there is anything you ever wanna talk about just let me know.

I hope everyone else is ok and still fighting!

Love Roxy xxxxxx

heya darling :-)

The chat yesterday was really good, I'm glad it made you feel better, it really helped me see things differently!

I'm ok thx hun, had a bit of a miserable day today but will battle through! How are you? It was good to speak to you yesterday, I don't think we've spoken before??

How are you doing today? Hope you're still feeling a bit better, you deserve it.

Getting worried about results day tomorrow now!!!! :S Oh dear.

Stay strong darling, Im always here for you & thx to everyone on chat last night you're all stars!

Take care xox 

aw glad that every1 felt better for having a chat abt things!

i feel a bit better 2day i dont no why,sometimes it feels so precious having an ok i am scared i will break it - good lucj with the results- i just think you should no as much as it means to you they do not and can not measure your worth courage or bravery.. everybdy takes exams , not everybodys life is a test of their strength be proud of your self if nothing else is possible right now.

what you gilrys been upto- i go to paris with some friends in 2weeks im a bit nervous :-/ loveya

Ohhh I know exactly what you mean about good days being precious, just hang onto every one you've had to remind yourself that there are good days to come whenever you have a bad day.

Aww hun what you said about exams made me smile!! But thankfuly I dont have to panic anymor, I actualy didnt do to bad!!

Ive not been up to much realy, lounging about hehe. Hav fun in Paris!! I bet itll be really good fun even if your a bit worried now, i loved paris when i went a while ago, hav only been once though so would love to go again. Itll be nice to spend time with your friends there, how long are you going for??

Take care hun xox 

hey roxy and x perrin,how are you both this weekend. i have just been working really= i find it hard to get a balance tho, my mind sees things to blck and white like i am either in over drive and then cant rest/relax or i have gt used to being home and sudden change shakes me up. weird.

have you had a nice weekend? hpe so :-)

well done on the results x perrin, i think your should be realy proud of yourself cause you have been battleing things in your mind people dont really understand and yet youve tryed your best in exams as well. Let me knw whats going on with you guys? do you work..? off to uni?....or on sumer hols from skool?

i am going to paris with some girls i work with- been a few issues there but i decided to just take a leap give it a try and if it dont work out its another lesson i will learn

thinking of you all my lvoe emm

Hiya!

Sorry i have been away and am going away again tomorrow until monday so will not be able to reply till then!

Wow Paris sounds wicked!! lol. Well done for taking the leap, that must have been hard but it is a great step. Have you been yet? Did it go well?

I know what you ... its kind of like all or nothing. Im the same, i either starve or binge etc etc.

Im ok thanks. i am on school holidays at the moment. Just going into year 13 in september, arghh! Got results back and did absoulutly rubbish but at least i can retake.

WELL DONE with your result xperrin!

Hope your both ok,

Love Roxy xxxxxx

Helllooooo :D

aww Chalkey I know its hard to see things not so black and white but it will take time to learn how to change that way of thinking, just try not to punish yourself for anything and keep positive!

 I had an alrigth weekend, didnt do alot as usual but it wasnt to bad.

Thanks hun :) I did work quite hard, put a lot of pressure on myself so Im glad it paid off.

It must have been so hard to take the leap and decide to go to Paris so well done for doing it!! I dont think I could handle anything like that so I really admire that bravery :) Hope it all goes well!

Roxy dont worry about results or exams for now, you HAVE to concentrate on getting yourself better because whats the use of grades when youre too ill to do anything with them?! I'm sure as soon as youre well enough you will see things falling into place and you can get back into doing what you want in life.

Hope you have fun wherever youre going!

Talk to you both soon, take care darlings xox 

Hi to both of you!

Feeling really down today.

Am tired, i cant do this anymore. I want it all to be over and the only way i see it can be is through ending it. I have tried before, unsuccessfully and know im going to try again very soon. Cant fight these feelings anymore, just want it all to go away 

Sorry just feeling down today. Bulimia is SO SO strong today, am starving and feel really ill but cant bring myself to eat. Fed up with it, and just wish i could be normal.

Its weird, one minute mood is up and then the next it is down, im so unpredictable and thats so annoying.

Hope your both ok. Xperrin, have you been upto anything nice? And chalkeybaby, have you had fun in paris?

Sorry again, think i just needed to get that off my chest, feeling better now  

Lots of love Roxy xxxxxxxx

darling PLEASE do not try and end your life, I know it's overwhelming but just remember that your worth fighting for and we all love you and are here for you so please please please dont do anything rash like that.

I know moodswings can be unbearable but they dont last forever, once you start stabilising yourself you will find everything becoming a bit clearer, its not easy and wont happen overnight obviously but if you keep on working at it then you will make progress and feel better.

Hun you need to eat, I know im a total hypocrite for sayin that but you really do, food is NOT the enemy, its just a hurdle which soon enough we will learn to jump. Not eating will confuse your body and will make you more likely to binge and so probably purge which isnt any good for you.

Im glad your feeling a bit better but I really really hope this doesnt get the better of you, see.. these things are just thoughts, you may not be able to control the automatic thoughts but its the actions that we can control, in time. Its hard work but will be worth it, I swear.

Hmm I havent been up to much really... how was your time away?

Im glad you got that off your chest hun, if it makes you feel better then make sure you always come here to let it all out!

Take care hun xox

Thanks,

dont worry about me though. These feelings have just been bottling up inside me and that doesn't do me any good cause i just convince myself that i do want to end it. I know it is not the way out, i do, but sometimes it really does seem the only way to get rid of it all.

Just sharing these feelings with someone helps cause im able to rationalise them a little more. I dont think im going to attempt, these are just thoughts at the moment so dont worry.

Lol, i think to an extent we are all hyprocrites, we all give out advice but find it hard to actually do these things ourselves! I know i need food, i did end up b/p in the end but that was my fault cause i starved. Even a very good friend told me to eat and that i would end up b/p but i didnt listen. Im stupid.

My time away was ok, very hard with food and everything. Parents were majorly observing me eating which was so annoying but i expected it!

What are your plans for september? Is everything  going ok with you?

Im really sorry you had to bear the brunt of my ramblings. You deserve much better, take care and thanks again,

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx

Aw hun how could I not worry when youre talking about ending it?! You deserve all the happiness in the world and one day you will be free to get it.

Suicide is not a solution to anything, it is a permanent and unchangeable end to a temporary problem, but Im not saying atall that your problems arent hard to deal with, because i know its absolute hell.

Are you seeing anyone professional to help yuo through this?

I hate that I can never take the advice that I give other people, I worry so much that everyone else is ok/not ok but then when it comes to me its like well I dont have a problem so its fine! 

You are not stupid, you would never call anyone else stupid for going through what you are so dont call yourself it! This is nothing to beat yourself up about, just a lil setback which atm seems like a complete catastrophe but in time you will realise its just a little bump.

Aw I know how annoying it can get when parents watch you etc but (and Im sure youve heard this a MILLION times before but...) they just care about you and want to make sure youre not harming youself.

Im goin into year 13 next week and I dont htink I will handle it very well, Im really stressing out about the whole thing, including all the people and work and teachers and deadlines and coursework and AAHHH. But hopefully Im just working myself up over nothing and it will be fine.

People are mentioning hospital though so Im not even sure I'll make it to school, Im desperate for that to not be the case though, I just need to gain weight which, honestly, i dnt think is going to happen because ana is so strong atm.

Dont apologise and dont htink I deserve better, we are all here to help each other, you help others and they help you thats just the way it works!

Take ccare hun xox 

 Thank you hunni, that was a really kind message!

Oh so were the same age then. Im going into year 13 too, and i also think i will not cope, infact i no i wont! Do you go to sixth form/college? Is there anyway the school can help you out and lay off the pressure?

Yer im seeing so many professionals - GP, CPN, Dietician, Pscyhiatrist, psychologist!! ARGHHH! lol. Just seen my psychologist now and she talked to me about inpatient. Said it was the only way they could ensure i was safe. Im so distraut, how do you feel about going into hospital?

It was so bad today though. I was weighed and had majorly lost weight. Part of me was like 'oh no' and then the other part of me was like 'o yes!'. I broke out in a huge grin and couldn't control my happiness. I know thats wrong and i apologised to my psych but it was weird cause i honestly couldn't get this smile off my face.

Anyway, thanks for your support, im here for you too,

Love Roxy xxxxxxx

hello girls i am home :-) had a good time actually and managed better than i thght- altho any longer and i wouldnt have coped. cause i ended up finding the "eating" thing harder than i thght and was restrictive, - yet managed to have a great time and it felt like a break away you know

know i am bk things are rough and i dont understand why. not so much rough with the ED but really rough with my family life which hasnt hapened for many years and things arent good at all and quite aggressive, and unsteady its too much to go into but i end up just thinking f*** it kind of attitude i might as well. cause thats just how i felt cause i didnt KNOW how i felt.

xperrin is right- when you manage to maintain a routine of eating more and regulary your body and mind becomes a differant place. a place where you start to realise you dont actually have to be afraid or trapped. and it becomes quite amazing and you strt to realise so much abt your body. thats why they make people meal plan roxy

it takes steps and time. and you go at your own pace. but i promise you you learn something new everyday sometimes something scary sometimes smething great. but alwasy something worthwhile.

its weird how you are talking about ways out and ending things, cause i was thinking about this situation the other day and how its so sad, that people go thru something so difficult and unimaginable to others that they cant cope and sometimes that its so much they dont even want to cope.

but the thing is and i was thinking. things change and nothing is forevr. the first time i had my heart broken i didnt think i could go on i didnt think it would ever get better and now i am here i have a completely differant perspective and entirely differant thghts about that sitution than i did then

and that amzes me , cause i learnt so much. but what if? what if i hadnt of gone on? like many ppl do. and I UNDERSTAND how bad it can feel

but the biggest help is talking to somebody else when the world feels so lonely it really is. you have to try and test that to belive in it.

Try to remember that roxy, that no matter how much it hurts now that it will not last forevr,and if your thinking but it might last a while , then know that it is a process and nothings perfect, not recvoery-not us- not life. and thats what makes it so incredible.

you can do this and it is possible, and you are still alive inside. i no where and what youa re feeling. but if you hold on you will learn so much with time.

and thats whats sad, when the people dont hold on. and for us to know it could have been differant

please keep talking to people roxy

all my love emma

 Thanks for that message Emma. It was really nice and did make me think.

Im glad you had a good time on holiday. Sometimes it is good to get away from everything. Sorry that the eating was hard though, have you managed to get back to normal now your back home?

I really dont want to push you into going into it on here but i dont understand your paragraph about the whole family thing. When you say agressive, is that abusive? Cause if it is hun, you really do not deserve to go through that and you need to get help. Sorry if i have misinterprited that and dont worry if you dont want to say. Are things any better now? It may be that, you have had a break from your family and you now realise how much freedom you can have and how much fun it can be, and now that your back with your family its kind of like coming back down to earth with a bump. Ignore me if im wrong! lol.

Hmm, there is alot i want to do with my life, but i just dont no whether it is worth going through this to get to this 'better' life. Im just really confused at the moment. Like i dont think i will actually commit at the moment, but i just have thoughts the WHOLE time. It literally is all i think about (well that plus the whole eating!) No matter what i do i cant get them out. Its like part of me is saying 'go on, kill yourself' and then the other part is saying 'NO, stop, you can get through this'. So i suppose it depends which one wins. Hopefully the latter, i think.

Anyway i will keep talking to people Emma, ill carry on talking to you guys (if you dont mind of course!) Dont want to be a burden to you guys and i deff dont want to put you all down. Just let me no if i am.

I really hope your ok, and thanks again for your message,

Love Roxy xxxxxx

Heya darlings.

Roxy yeah I am at 6 form, cant believe its come back so quickly am really dreading it but I think I might ask for support from a teacher or somethin.

Were in a really similar positin atm I guess, goin into yr 13 but maybe IP. Im really scared tbh, how are you feeling abt it?

Aw no hunni it cant be good for u to have lost weight but I know exactly what you mean abt not being able to control the good feelings but this is the ED and its not what WE want.

Pls take care hun. am thinking of you xox

Chalkeybaby Im so happy yu had a good time! You really deserve a break like that, sounds perfect.

Sorry to hear your family life is harder but dont let this get you down, it wont last forever i think maybe everyones just a bit stressed out.

You deserve to be happy you really do I promise.

Take care darling xox 

Hi to the both of you!

Xperrin - oh my we really are in a similar position! I am * scared about maybe going inpatient. I said that there was no way i was going, but i hate the fact that if i refuse they can just section me. Surely that is taking all of my rights away, and it scares me that they can have so much power over my life. How do you feel about it?

It is well scary how quickly these holidays have gone. Really needed a break, but it has hardly felt like one cause it has just gone so quickly. Are you going to be taking 3/4 A levels next year? I think it is a really good idea to get some support from a teacher at school. Just pick one teacher, that you feel you get on with and who may understand and just go for it. It will be better because they will be able to give you more support if your struggling and may be able to ease some of the pressure.

Its not good that i have lost weight, no, but im being weighed again and i think i will have lost again, argh! Stupid ED.

I hope your ok and that you had a good weekend and thanks for your support!

Emma - i hope your ok too! Let me know how you are,

*hugs to you both*

Love Roxy xxxxxxxx