Today was the first day where I went to CAMHS and found out that I'd gained. I was in bits and I still am now. I don't feel like I'm ready to gain and I still don't feel like I'm ready to lose Ana, something that's overtaken and consumed me over the past three years. I repulse myself enough with all of the treatment that's being forced upon me at the moment. I don't deserve all these people looking out for me and pushing me to recovery, I'm simply not worthy. Next week when I go to CAMHS, I don't feel like I'm worthy to become well again. At the same time, as I say and feel all this it also feels like this isn't really me. I just don't know who I am any more.
At the moment though, I'm scared. My counsellor said that if I don't hit my calorie target for at least 5 of the 7 days between now and next Friday then she'll be forced to prescribe me calorie drinks, where only she will know what's gone into them and how many calories they contain. That's just another step closer to IP but maybe that is where I truly belong.
I was asked to come up with 5 things that are good about me and that I like about myself. I couldn't even come up with 1. There simply is nothing. I hate myself, I hate my life and I hate what I've brought upon myself and the rest of my family by making myself ill. There's simply nothing to distinguish me from others anymore. I don't even know who I am.
I just want to escape all of this. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. I'm not ready to let go. I feel horrendous at the moment and I never want to be made to feel this bad again.
How am I supposed to cope with coming to terms with gaining? I just want to be me again but I don't know who I am!
Sorry for such a moan and I hope you're all okay. Always here if anyone wants to talk. I know that you can all do this so never give up hope, keep fighting and you'll all get there in the end, I'm sure of it!
Reply post 1: (No Subject)
posted: 25.05.2011 message:
Hey Emma, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, it's really hard to think about gaining as a positive, but gaining weight is a really positive step. It really sucks, but think about how much you don't want to be in IP. I'm currently feeling the same, I feel very stuck. I'm at the point where I need to gain or CAMHS are going to look at reducing my exercise and really taking control of my diet, I've already seen the consultant and had a review with my family and I'm really terrified of IP and what that will do to my family and how it will totally disrupt my life. But a big incentive is whilst I'm still an OP I have some control. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, because I'm feeling the same myself. But a few weeks ago I tried really hard to make an effort to eat my three meals and snacks, and I reduced my exercise and wasn't sick, and I did gain. . But I think gaining weight gradually is a lot easier to cope with emotionally. And its hard to believe it now, but my nutritionist keeps telling me once I stop restricting and my eating becomes more normal and my weight is healthier that my metabolism will be more normal. Have you read about the set-point theory? It's really interesting. When I'm feeling bad about gaining or my body generally I try and distract myself. . I write in my diary a lot. Its a huge outlet for me. Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you feel? I'm so sorry for my enormous reply, but I hate to think of someone else going through this, and I know I feel so lonely and like noone will understand. But its hard to talk to people because ED's are a taboo subject, and I always feel unworthy and selfish. And also it couldn't be at a worse time with gcses. :( What is it that you are struggling with? Please remember you are worth more than this, and you are beautiful on the inside and outside. Keep smiling and try stay positive. I'm always here for you. Flounder <3
Reply post 2: (No Subject)
posted: 30.05.2011 message:
It seems as if you're in exactly the same place as me at the moment. I lost again at CAMHS on Friday but for once I wasn't proud, I was angry and ashamed so something must've flipped in that head of mine, at least it did last week which has just left me feeling utterly confused.
The threat of IP is getting ever closer though and different consultants appear to be forever meeting about me which is scary to say the least. I know neither of us want to end up in IP so that's something we have to try to keep hold of. It's my only incentive at the moment, but sometimes that isn't even strong enough.
I'm so pleased for you with seizing so much control the other week, not exercising, not purging and eating what was asked of you! And as a reward for all of that effort, you managed to gain. Unfortunately things aren't that positive for me at the moment but once again well done and I'm mega proud of you!
My MH worker keeps blabbering on about metabolism and stuff, so they can't all be wrong. I seem to be forever bloating after I've eaten as the moment and apparently it's because I've been restricting. Within time though, this will pass and yes, our metabolism will improve!
I too write in my diary a lot. I was told the other day that once I've fully recovered that my MH worker and her manager think we should work together to get it published. Something I'm so excited about and a real motivation for me! I feel bad about talking to my best friend about it so much as I just feel like I'm putting a load of pressure and worry and stuff on her, I don't want to be a burden though she constantly insists that I'm not. I also don't feel like I can talk to my parents that much, although they're so open and okay about things nowadays, I just don't know why I feel the way I do about things which is most probably one of the most frustrating factors for me.
Shhhh, don't apologise for enormous replies, they're the best and as you can clearly see, I'm guilty of the odd one or two! I too know the feelings of guilt and selfishness and I wish I could understand and force them to lift but I just can't, all we can try to think of and remember though is that one day they will and that day will be when we're fully recovered. Sometimes it's hard to believe, but it will come and we'll all reach it together.
Tell me about GCSEs!! They're a nightmare. I'm a perfectionist and put so much pressure and stress on myself in regards to grades, exams and school work which is one of my problems at the moment. Something that my MH worker has identified however is that my head is 95% anorexia and 5% exams. Something that I feel immensely annoyed, guilty and frustrated for but I just can't shift it. I hope your exams are going well so far anyway.
Keep fighting and I'm sure the freedom we'll all feel one day will be worth it. We all deserve it and it will come. Hope you're okay and I'm always here to talk.
Lots of Love,
Reply post 3: (No Subject)
posted: 04.06.2011 message:
Hey Emma, I totally understand the confusion, and you not feeling proud of yourself because you've lost is a huge thing, it shows how you're still there, and you can fight ana. IP is such a scary prospect, the thought of going there really made me try harder, and I did increase my weight a little, it was enough to stay out of trouble really, but I haven't changed my thinking which is what's so difficult. This may not work for you, but as an incentive why don't you write down all the things you want to do/be when your recovered, for example; 5 years from now you could think I want my journal to be published and to help other people who are suffering. It's a lot easier giving advice than receiving it I know x Thankyou, it means a lot to know that someone acknowledges how hard it is trying to change. Things aren't too good atm, I had an appt at CAMHS yday and it was horrible. And bloating, oh my god, don't even get me started on that. it's bad enough feeling big and worrying about eating but it's awful having to cope with the guilt, and a physical reminder of being full. But my therapist said the same that once I stop restricting and eat normally my stomach will be able to cope with it. But it's hard to think of that at the time when your bloated and feeling *. It's weird how much I feel the same as you Emma, it's like your in my head! My best friend is amazing, and always there for me, but I can't talk to her because I don't want to be a burden, and my family aren't that aware, but they've started noticing and I just feel really guilty, like I'm this huge problem and they'd be better off without me. I had my first Family therapy session last month, and it was really difficult as I went with my parents and younger sister who is 12. My parents aren't together anymore but are supportive. But none of us are very good at talking about things, and there were a lot of tears, and it was tough. So now they know more about ana and how I feel, so they're trying hard to help me but that makes me feel worse, and I hate knowing I'm hurting them. But at the same time I'm not really opening up to them, because I know that will end up in me having to eat more etc. Do you have any brothers/sisters? It's good that your parents are open, have you ever tried writing things down to talk to them?I know it isn't the same on here, and I can't talk to you right when you need someone, but anytime you want to talk I'm here. And I nearly always reply soon, this weeks just been a bad one, so I'm sorry for the late reply. <3 It's nice to talk to someone else who loves to write, my messages could be novels sometimes :) I have 5 exams already done from before, I've sat 4 in May, and my other 8 are starting on Monday, and I haven't revised enough and it's super stressful, I have real high expectations of myself, which are reinforced by my school, and I like everything to be perfect and make people proud of me too. It's tough that ana is taking over right now, but your mh worker is right, exams can be re sat, and you are more important. Just try your best and make sure if you are struggling that you ask for help. How's your week been? Are you ok? Always here, keep fighting sweet, Xxxx