scared

Heya sweety,

Uni hols are hard im on mine at the moment and as I am at home I feel  like I have to eat and am constantly worrying about my next meal.  I feel sick every time I do eat and can't wait till I go back to uni and can control my food intake.

Take it slow when you are with your relatives eat little but often if you can it;s what has been suggested to me and it is hard to stick to I no.  If you can try to control your thoughts and I no this is extremely difficult then try...maybe start by looking at your self everyday and complimenting yourself on how you look.  It might help. 

Keep going and let me know how it goes...Good luck!!!

Stay strong and take care.  You can do this.

xxxxx

p.s. sorry if you do not find this helpful but I hope you do.

Helo , thank you sooooo much for the tips and encouragement...I was feeling really down today and then read your post and felt a lil stronger. I'll defo take your advice when in Dublin and let you know how it goes!

Hope your doing ok and coping with life away from uni, try to find a new focus. I know what you mean about wanting to get back to controling things, my mum constantly nags me when I'm home I have 2 try and remember it's ana who wants control not me..ARGHHHHHHHH this stupid illness makes me soooooooo angry  Its not fair that  it should make you constantly worried and unable to enjoy life to the full *hugs* . Wish I could take it all away for you....

stay strong

*smiles*

katie x

Heya sweetheart,

Glad I helped if only a little bit.  It is hard being in a position were you feel powerless and you are right in saying that it is ana who wants control. 

How did your mum find out.  It's just that I have ENDOS and possibly leading to ana and I know that I will soon how to tell my mum though I do not know how.  When I am at uni  it is easier to hide as you well know,  though people are starting to notice that I am losing weight.

I am away next week in Wales with the family so have no where to go when I want to as do not know the place very well.  I try to bury myself in revision when I am at home as I am going back to exams.  I find it helps sometimes.

Hope your doing ok??? keep in touch if you can.

Stay strong

good luck

*hugs*

xxx

hi ya thanks for the  advice you left me it really helped

im sure you wil be fine staying at your relitives. hope you are doing ok at uni.

i no how you feel when you say you not had a period while you ave had ana i went for ages wit out one but then they just started again.

hope you r ok

thanks again for the help yougave me it really helped

im here for you if you need to talk

good luck

xxx

hi, I just got back from visiting family, well i survived...just! I got so anoyed with myself, it's really frustrating not to be able to do something that other people find so easy- eat. My aunt was really good and tried to be sensitive but fussed a little too much which is kinda embarassing. I went with my sister who was really unsupportive, as it really helps me if i know what's happening and when but she wouldn't plan anything in advance and so my anxiety was quite high as i never knew what would happen next. The tips helped though thanks =)

My mum challenged me about ana so that's how she found out really , she kinda guessed! We've become really close since and althoiugh we argue it's only because she cares. It may help if you can tell her before you go then you'll have someone to talk to. Perhaps you could write her a letter?Are you seeing anyone about it? Hope your ok sweetie, take things slow and don't let ana win you worth sooooo much more than that. Revision does help but you need to do other things too .

hope everyone is doing well...keep going

*hugs*

katie x

ps. let me know how wales goes?

Heya,

I'm back.

Wales was ok.  the first couple of days was fine in the eating part I got my own way as I was sick on the first night.   Then the tablets that I am on played havoc and was having a very bad laxative effect.  I became weak and exhausted to the point were I was unable to be out of bed for more than twenty minutes as I could not hold myself up. Revision just added stress as I could not do any.

I  still have not told mum.  She has had a lot to deal with when it comed to me and I do not want to put any more on her.  I am a nomal weight so have not been diagnosed with an ED as such but the psychiatrist I saw said I had an eating disorder thing.  I guess if I keep on how I am then I will be suffering from someting maybe ana but I feel incapable to stop how ever much I tell myself that I want to.

Sorry here I am babbering on and I have not asked how you are.

Hope you are doing ok???? let me know how it is going.  It must be hard not to feel supported by your sister.  She does care though.  Just not sure how to cope with your ED.  maybe sit down with her with your mum aswell and explain to your sister how hard it is and how much you need her support.  I know what you mean about not been able to do what other people find easy and how frustrating it is for you.  I feel the same.  We can only just keep walking forward slowly and steadly.

Take care let me know how things are.

xxx

hey, welcome back

well done you- you made it! Well done for having the courage to go out there and face it though you knew it would be hard.  Could you change the tablets or something as the laxative effect prob not helping n u need your strength to get through the exams. Hows things now your back?

It's soooo sweet of you thinking of your mum like that and you'll know when the time is right to talk to her. Telling parents can help at times but they can also make you feel guilty which dunt help at all ....pros n cons i guess =) Do you have any brothers or sisters to talk to. Not that i can talk to ma sis, think it's coz she dunt understand- wheneva i wana tell her what it's like i bottle it and don't . just think if i told er she wunt understand n wunt know how 2 begin to explain in words.

Hmm the last two weeks haven't been too gud, 1st i was stressed bout goin away , then when i was away ate less n now i'm back it's hard to eat what i was before i went away!- sorry if that dint make sence. Also before i went away i was having high energy drinks prescribed by my doctor every day to stop me loosing weight and just stopped havin them since i got back now it's hard to start again. Argh!!!!!!!

Going back to uni on wed though so hope things will get beta then, wen i can focus on work .

let me know how things are going....

katie xxx

Heya,

Sorry to hear things are hard at the moment. Once your in a habit it is hard to break and get back out of it.  But you managed the challenge of going away and that is an achievment and shows that you are not letting ana beat you and that you will fight her.  Try again with the energy drinks even if it is the only thing you have then build on your food intake.

As for uni work being a distraction I agree just make sure that you take breaks and eat and not use uni work excuse not to eat.  I do not have this advantage any more.  Although I am going back to uni on monday it is only for 4 weeks and I have no lesons as it is exam period.  I am ment to be in uni for 6 hours altogether for the six weeks which is going to be hard.  I also have a psychology ball on the last day that involves a 3 course dinner.  It terrifys me espec as have to wear a ball gown and I am nervous about my figure as it is.  The fact that I do not wear dresses and skirts will mean that people are going to be looking at me more as they are not used to me in a dress. I always feel like I bulge out of them and people noticing me only makes me more insecure.

You say 'it's sweet I am thinking of my mum'.  If I don't I get the blame for making her unhappy making me feel even worse about myself.  I do have two brothers and they are both younger than me so cant really talk to them.  All this makes me feel even more pressurised to keep things a secret and I do not know how to bring the subject up or talk about it.  The thing is I like to care and take on other peoples problems as I do not like to think of people suffering and wish that I could take all the pain and suffering away.  If I mention to anyone that I am struggling my counselling role wil stop.  My family rely on me to listen to them and advice them on some problems...or I am used as a scapegoat.

As for the tablets unfortunately not on the fact that I can change them.  They are iron tablets and I am terrified of needles which means I can't get the iron injected.  Also I am scared of telling my doctor the problem I am having with  them as then she will find out I have been lying to her on my eating habits.  She knows that my uni counsellor is concerned about them hence why I went for a referal but I keep telling my doctor that my eating is the same as an average student.  What ever that is!??!!   People around me don't and I got told off at the end of last semester by a mature student who then bought in food for me to eat for the last two days.  Still haven't eaten it all.

OMG I have just rambled and complained... this is so not like me. ramble and complain back.  Please it might make me feel better and more useful.

How are you doing atm. HOw has today gone so far??

take care

*hugs*

xxxx

Hey, good luck with exams . I had mine last term - i also do psychology! It's tough not having lectures n stuff n havin 2 do revision, especially as I find it hard to sit down. People always find it strange how i like lectures n seminars but i like structure n it breaks up ma day so it's easier not to think bout food.  So anyays if you need to talk...i'm here. We also have a ball in a few weeks so perhaps we could help each other thru it ?

I know what you mean i much prefer to listen to other people's problems n try n help them than help myself. It hurts when i think of you struggling , keep going girly u deserve more than your getting from life at the mo. It must be hard having to keep everything together 4 ur family. I tried to talk to my mum today tell her i was struggling but she dunt listen n then the moment passes n i dont feel i can talk about it anymore.

 I want to be a clinical psychologist but am a bit worried that i wont be able to coz i've had ana. It can be hard to talk to your doctor but i think perhaps it may help to get some support you deserve it. I hav 2 go n c my doctor bout my medication- i'm dredding it coz she dunt listen n is sooooooo partonising.

Anyways on the plus side I'm back at uni tomorrow - cant wait to get back to doing things how i like n not having my parents fussing.

Are you back at uni now ?

Good luck with everything , let me know how your doing =)

love katie xxx

Heya,

I had a few exams last semester as well it's just finishing them off.

Ok having ana or having suffered from ana puts you in a good position to be a clinical psychologist.  I had this worry a few years back and I too want to be a clinical psychologist.  I asked my therapist at the time and she said that many of the psychologists that are around now have been through a lot of things in the past that has caused them to get help themeselves.  It is these people that make excellent psychologists.  I keep reminding myself of this every time I feel that I will never get any where in life.  I hope you can use these words to.

I know what you mean about having a structured day and it diverting the thoughts of food.  I have attended most of my lectures and tutorials and practicals because of this I spend the rest of the time in the library.

I am sorry that I am hurting you when I am struggling but we all have days where we struggle and worry other people.  I do not mean to hurt you and I wish I didn't.

Patronizing is not helpful. Maybe you should tell you GP how they are making you feel.  Or you could change the doctor???

Helping each other through the ball sounds like a good idea.  Have fun at uni tomorrow.  I am flying back up to mine on Saturday and again I can not wait.

How is it going with you it seems like I am neglecting you by tlking about myself all the time and this really upsets me. Let me know how it is going.

Take care and enjoy tomorrow.

xxx

Hey there- no way r u neglecting me !- dont be daft. Your not hurting me either, i just wish i could take ED away from the world n make every1 beta, if i cud be 1000x worse n no1 else suffer i wud coz they reck so many lives.

Thanx for the advise bout being a clinical psychologist, when i feel like giving up this is what i think about as it's the 1 thing i really want to do - i guess i'll have to sort myself a lil 1st. What year of your degree r u in?

 I'm happy to be back  at uni but also feel a lil lonely as i talked to ma old therapist yesterday n it made me realise how much i've been bottling up. I may try n change doctors, thats a good idea, as she just makes me mad (especially when she keeps me waiting for an hour to see her !).

Just sorting stuff out tonight , will catch up wiv ever1 2moro, dont hav the energy at the mo. Ma mum n dad went out for a meal tonight i went but dint eat as it was too early 4 me (plus i dont think i really want to) so now their a bit cross at me , which just makes me feel **** n if i could just swich it off i wud but i cant - dont think they quite understand that. Does your mum still not know bout your ed?

Hows the tablets going? Hope your ok i've gone on a bit there, but it'd be gud to get through the balls together- when's yours?

*hugs*

katie xxx

Heya sweety,

Having set times to eat is a good idea if it was too early for you then don't feel **** about yourself.  Though I hope that you did manage to eat when the time came??? Even if you didn't don't worry about it we all have our off days it is getting back on track that is important.  Remember you can have a bad day but you can not afford a bad week. In other words it is easier to overcome a bad day than to let it over power you though a week to which it becomes harder to get back into a 'normal' routine.  I think they might understand or at least know that you can not just switch it off. If you could then you would not be in therapy to help you try and do so.

I am sorry that you feel a little lonely but I guess there are not may people at uni that know about your ED or if they do, don't understand.  I hope you can keep talking on here and that I can help (as well as others) to try and make you feel less lonely. Waht year are you in at uni? I'm in first year of a four year course so you will prob graduate before me???  Sorting yourself out would be a good thing but the achievement you would have made when you have been BPS accredited and become a Clinical Psychologist will over ride the feelings you are having now. Keep going.

The tablets have sorted themselves out which meanss I am gaining weight which is a thought that is becoming hard to deal with...  My ball is on the *th may.  When is yours???

Wish I too can take your ED and other peoples away.  I wish I had that power.  I know what you mean as long as other people are not suffering and are happy then you would feel some sort of happiness.  Think of it this way if you were able to do that would you not feel even more lonely as there would be no one to talk to and no such sites and message boards such as beat.

Hope your first night and day back is bearable.

Take care.

*hugs*

xxx

Hiya,

I just wana say thanks sooooooo much that was a lovely post and made me smile .  It's good to have someone to actually understands and it means a lot to me .

Are you back at uni yet? If so hows it going ? Glad the tablets have sorted themselves out and hopefully your not finding it too hard to cope with gaining weight. Think of how gaining weight has positives, perhaps write them down then u can read them when your struggling. I'm in ma first year too but its a 3 year course, my balls in  may and lasts from the sat right through to sunday morning, it's hard coz so much of things like that involve food, i suppose for most people it's a very social thing.

Do people at uni know about your ed? I havent told any1, i find it v hard 2 talk about to people, as i worry people will just thing i'm vein or summat when it's not like that at all. I think people will prob hav guessed i'm a fussy eater or health freak or summat along those lines tho. Still get a lil lonely at times but then i kinda wana be with people and myself all at the same time- does that make sence. I'm forcing myself to socialise but it requires so much effort it's like i'm smiling and talking to them but it's all an act because inside i'm crying and want to curl up and be held safe and forget everything.

Sorry that was a bit of a depressing ramble, how are you doing ?

*hugs*

katie xxx

Heya,

Yeah I'm back at uni now.  I had to do a food shop yesterday and it almost killed me even though I did it online so I would not have to look at the 36 or so aisles of food in the shop.  I am really worried about it coming tomorrow I feel like I have so much food although I am awere that most of it my flat mates will prob eat .  At least a lot of me hopes they will, so I do not have to.  I have shopped for four weeks worth just so I do not have to do it again.  I've not been eating for the past * days due to illness and being up here.  It's really hard for me to get back into the habit of eating again.  Am seeing a psychiatrist later and as food is constantly on my mind it's bound to come up in conversation but that isn't a bad thing is it???? I am just scared that she will force me to eat loads before I see her again.  I have never spoken to anyone about how I feel or about my eating because I do not really think that it is a problem although those who are aware that I am not eating much think it is abnormal and not right even though I am normal weight atm (these inc proffesionals).  I do not know which to believe.  I sometimes read some of these messages and think I am not as bad as that why are people so worried but I guess not eating is a concern and that maybe I do have a problem that if not sorted will become fatal.

Hardly anyone at uni knows. One girl guessed but she works with people like me and so is aware of the symptoms but she has not told any one.  It does scare me though and makes me wonder if just because she knows and guessed whether other people know and have guessed.

Your last part of your last paragraph made me almost yell with happiness.  Finally I have found someone who feels the same way.  All I want to do is curl up and hide away from the world and be held, that I am constantly crying inside and yet I can not cry on the outside. Sometimes I wonder what I could do to get memory loss so I do not have to think or remember.  It's like there is no release.  I set up afternoons to meet up with friends weeks in advance just so I do not seem unsociable but deep down I dread the day that I have organsied and at times I do anything to get out of it.  Some I do try to keep though but these are some of my close friends.  Next week I am meeting up with a girl (who is a close friend of sorts) up here for lunch and a catch up which I am dreading and I know that I will panic about what I am eating 4 the whole day.  just to make me look normal infront of other people.

I am going to stop writing now. will be surprised ifyou have read to this part lol.  I am sorry for sounding so depressed I am just at my wits end.  Thanks for the advice I will try it.

How is it going for you?

Take care, and keep going strong.

*hugs* (x 100, 4 the wanting to be held safe and just for being so understanding).

xxx

p.s. I hope you do mind me asking but has your ED stemmed from another deep rooted problem? you do not have to answer this if you do not want to.

oh grrrr ********* ,********

I am so annoyed is it normal for a psychiatrist who is ment to be helping you just say to you well you are just going to have to start eating then.  I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!  All she was interested in was my iron tablets and getting them changed.

Sorry do not mean to yell I just feel so hopeless.

hope your ok

xxx

Hey sweetie hope your hanging on in there , keep going.

Yey glad you got what i mean about wanting to hide away etc....thought that may sound a bit wierd to someone else . *hugs* It's like a major effort to go for meals or just meet people especially wen i dont know what the food wil be n causes me to me mentally tourtured all day .

Arghhhhh i hate people like that who just tell u 2 eat! Like you can just turn it on and off it's stupid. Had to go out 4 a meal tomight was awful and i left early which made me feel even worse as it was ma friend's birthday...I'm scared people will start to notice, either that or just think i'm unsociable n not worth avin as a friend. . They kept trying to give me food too, i keepn having to make excuses ect as to why i'm not eating.

Has your food come yet, i find it really hard to buy stuff, though i like looking round the supermarket which is a bit wierd.

Dunno y got ed think it's coz i was under pressure at school n stuff then lost a lot of people close 2 me like ma nan n grandad. Plus ma mum n dad wanted ma sis 2 loose weight coz she was overweight so she'd joined a diet club. I felt really insecure bout maself n wanted to be healthier n thinner too, i felt (and still do ) that every1's prettier and cleverer and thinner than me and just felt clumsy and ugly etc.

How about u ?

Hope your ok, here 4 u sweetie =)

katie xxx

Heya hun,

Thanks for that it made me cry a little bit, but only because I am finding it strange to find someone else who feels the same and is really supportive.  I do not feel like I completey deserve it and it strikes me as odd to have people being nice to me. 

My food came yesterday morning and I have no idea how to get through it all.  I can hardly manage a ful meal at the mo and the thought of eating makes me feel sick.  Like I guessed three of my flat mates have already taken my food from the fridge and my food cupboard.  I guess having an ED makes you feel paranoid and makes you feel like people will notice you when you do not eat or that you are unsociable or not a good friend when people actually see the complete opposite.  Its really hard and stressful when people keep giving you food because you do not want to be seen as not grateful but I do not think that you are.  If you weren't suffering from an ED I would say who cares if you took the food or not but you are suffering and it leads to a different story as people who know expect you to eat and get confused when you do not.  Saying that they will prob have forgotten about that.  Do not feel bad about leaving a friends birthday party I do it all the time but that is often because I have had enough of the crowd, noise and get tired really easily and want my bed. No one thinks anything about it and often forget that I have gone or do not realise that I have gone until an hour later.

As for feeling mentally tortured about food when meeting people is a completely different story. Do not get me started on that. All I can say is that I guess we need to try not to think about the fod part and distract ourselves until we can not think about it any longer because it is there infront of us. Then we can worry. lol.

It sounds like you have had a hard time and over hearing your parents telling your sister that she needs to lose weight can't have helped.  You are probably (and I say probably as I can not see you, but I am sure you are...) a very beautiful girl with everything going for her if you could become a normal weight and stick to it. You are also very clever and I can not comment on the clumsiness as that could be down to the ED.  I am clumsy myself am forever walking into things and dropping things. I had a very hard childhood (that I would never wish on anyone) thatmade me grw up very quickly. It has left me very insecure and vulnerable and giving me the need to protect everyone around me whether I know them or not.  I am also unsure how to act around people. As a result not only do I feel like I am worthless and not allowed the luxuries of life such as food; I feel very self conscious about my body and hate the way that I look.  I always believe that I can be thinner as a result and feel ugly as I am not losing much weight as I binge then starve.  I think this is why I have such a bad relationship with food. But it is not something I often talk about.

I do not think that looking around the supermarket is weird at all I wish I could bring myself to do so.

On the up side I got a few uni results back from last semester from one of my modules, and I am so happy with them I got 2 A's and a B which I was really surprised at considering what I am going through but the harder I find my eating the more I busy myself in to work and succeed.  A lot of people find this a bit strange if they know about my eating habits and wonder how I manage it.  At the same time it throws a lot of people off the scent that there is anything wrong at all and yet it is at those times that I am screaming out for someone to help me.  I sometimes do not understand myself and get left feeling more confused.

Keep going sweetie you are doing so well.

Always here for you 2.

Hope you are ok????  

Take care

xxx

Awwwwwww hope your feeling a lil beta sorry not replied sooner just had so much work to do.

Well done in your exams thats great, all you need to do now is beat this (which i know you can) . Sorry to hear bout your childhood, sounds tough but perhaps it will make you stronger in the end and allow u to help others by having empathy and understanding for their problems.  If you want to talk more about it I'm here, i know you said you dont often but it may help , up to you though.

Yeh i do look round the supermarket but mainly reading packets n not buying very much! I know how hard it is, the minute i put something in my masket i feel guilty as though i've eaten it ...that sound odd? I just turned down invite 2 dinner with other psychologists tomorrow, well it was a lil short notice n decided that it'd prob stress me out for the whole day n cant deal with that right now especially as it's the ball on saturday.

Hows your uni work going ?

*hugs*

katie x

Heya,

Yeah thats mainly why I do not go apart from the sight of all the food.  If I read the packets then I don't buy anything because I always come up with an excuse not to.  Like that has too many calories or fat or carbohydrates etc... If I do internet shopping I can not do that until the food arrives and then I am stuck with it.

Wow, your balls on saturday...ouch how are you feeling about it? I still have 2 weeks and am dreading it as I feel like I have put on loads of weight.  Excuses excuses about the dinner with psychology but I would probably have done the same so I can not give you a lecture on saying no. 

I have three exams to go. The first is on Monday and I have not started revising for it yet.  I just can not be bothered or do not have the strength to do so.  I just can not do it.  I try and try but always fail.  But with everything else I guess I am a failure.  Spoke to my lecturer the one that I get on with and knows me on a personal level, through email and she has been really supportive and encouraging.  which i guess is good.  I am putting so much pressure on myself at the moment but it stops the food thoughts. Sort of. 

My past is hard for me to cope with let alone other people.  My eating I struggle to put into words as I feel people do not alway get me.  I hate the way I look and I do need to lose weight. My friend told me I had a perfect and amazing figure which made me cry because I can not see that and part of me wishes I could.  It is hard and I really do not know how I keep going. 

Anyway I must go I ahve a hairdressers appointment at 11 and It is the first one I have had at a salon for ages.

Hows you and how is your uni work going. 

take care

hugs

xxx

Hey good luck for the exam, let me know how it goes =)

Yeh i know I always make excuses, they made me feel really bad bout not going I just wished I cud talk to some 1 2 tel em n hav sum1 understand . Ball was ok, well I got through it ( I know u can get through yours too!) Dancing was good but that was prob just ana. I go from worrying bout 1 thing 2 another tho n wish I cud fully look 4ward 2 summat n just enjoy ma life while I'm still young, *sigh*.

What hav u been up to ? My uni works going ok but got loads ( that's why I havent replied 4 a while - sorry , but like 2 think bout what I'm guna say so it comes from the heart.) Been thinking of u tho. Hows uni life? Are your flatmates people u get on with well ?

Hope your ok

*hugs*

Katie xxx

Heya sweety,

Are you good friends with some of them or feel like you get on with them quite well.  I told a couple of people when I was really drunk on my course but I still have to tell the guys I am living with next year and my parents but I can not bring myself to.  If not try and become really good friends with one of them and then tell them.  If you want to then go for it just make sure it is the right person. 

My exam on monday went well, well better than I thought it would. Whether I have passed or not is another matter.  My next one is on thursday and I am absolutely dreading it.  I hate everything about the module.  It's on globalisation but I have to know the readings they gave us inside out.  I am just not in the mood but I guess once I get going it will be al right.

Uni life is ok I am finding it hard and am really glad that I have my psychiatrist to talk to.  I do not really get on with my flat mates and I do.  I guess I just keep my distance from them scared of anyone who gets close to me.

How about you??? what have u been up to apart from work. I hope you are doing something that is not just uni work.  Was thinking of you on Saturday wondering how the ball was going and if you were coping.  It is good that you enjoyed it. I bet you looked stunning.

Sweety you always will be young.  What have you got planned for the summer holidays that you can look forward to?  I know everything tends to involve food but could you not meet up with a friend just for the afternoon that does not involve food.  go bowling or something.  I know it is hard I hate seeing people and am a constant worrier, let alone a perfectionist, and things are always getting to me.  If it is not food it is my friends if it is not them it is something else. 

you seeing a professional? If so how is it going with them?

Let me know how things are going?

Take care

big hugs

xxx

Hi,

Glad your exam on Mon went well , how did thursdays go ? I bet u did super  Do you have anymore ?

Yeh I am getting to be quite close to a few of ma friends but dont think i can tell em , I cant even say the "A" word out loud. Also people sometimes act wierd when they know and I'd fel like they were watching what I ate all the time.

I'm seeing the dr. on Tues , refused help last term- I'm stuburn like that , lol! We'll see what she says anyway. Glad your psychiatrist is helping, how often do you see her ?

Hopefully I'll work in the summer and maybe go away although I tend to get stressed about going away n not enjoy it as much as I should. How abou you ? What are your summer plans ?

Hows uni going? How long till your ball. Remember I'm here if you need me, what's your dress like bet you'll look beautiful. Don't let you ED ruin it for you balls should be magical

ok sorry accidentaly pressed post when I hadnt finished!

Yep I am doing stuff other thn work but do tend to distract myself with work perhaps more than I should. We only have 8 week terms though so the work is pretty intense.

Let me know how things are, have a good weekend, thinking of you sweetie

*hugs*

Katie

xxx

Heya,

lol. you sound just like me with the stubbornness.   I hope that you will accept the help this time.  Although I know that you will only do this when you are ready to. the same goes with your friends.  Sweety they will not think anything different about you and the watching of eating will stop after a week once they get bored of it.  saying the A word is hard but maybe typing it will help you come to terms with it and help you though recovery.  your determination to get better shows by going back to your doctor for help I will be thinking of you.  Big hugs.

I will not be seeing my psychiatrist until september which will be hard but she confuses me slightly as she told me a way to not eat the 3 course meal at the ball. I realy do not know what the helll is going on.  She certainly keeps me on my toes and I thought I was the only one who could do that.  My dress for the ball is floor length I refuse to wear anything shorter and is a purplely redish (mainly purple) and is two toned.  I wore it 6 years ago at a wedding that I was a bridesmaid for. The ball is on friday which coincidentally is the last day of uni and my last exam. 

I failed the one on thursday but I can resit if my coursework doesnot pull the grade up.  People tell me that I have not but it is obvious that I have as I wrote two sides for two questions for a 2 hour exam.  It was really bad as I knew my stuff and had worked really hard to prepare for it.  The readings I had revised came up and I knew the info they were looking for but my mind just went blank as soon as I sat down and I could not remember anything.  Any way my one on fri is research methods for psychology and I am really looking forward to it.  I have already passed the module so the exam does not make me freak out. Except for this semester my semesters are 16 weeks long so this one feels like a breeze and has gone really quickly.

If uni work helps you sweety then use it just try and have some fun as well like meeting up with one of your uni friends.  It is what I do and I find it helps me.

I am looking after chldren for a week in the summer it is a sort of camp except the children are local so do not stay the night. am going away with family.  I plan well ahead especiallly the things that I know I will struggle with.

By the way how did you cope with the food at your ball????  I have a penaltimate session with my counselor today I am finishing with her next week.  Am terrified as feel so alne in the summmer with having no one to confide in.

Hope tomo at the GP will go ok.  Let me know how it does go.

Always here.

take care

hugs

xxx

Awww sorry to hear about your exam but just think how much you've acheived to be at uni in the first place and dont let this stupid illness spoil things 4 u .

Good luck with your ball tomorrow sweetie, I'll be thinking of you and hoping your ok , i know you can do it.=) I bet you'll look gorgeous in you dress too, try to enjoy getting ready and make yourself feel special. We didn't have a sit down meal there was just stalls where you could go and get food when you felt like it, we had a Manhattan theme, I just ate a little so as to not stick out and also it was quite good because the ball was in centred in the quad my room was quite near by so I could pop back for a few minutes when I'd had enough and needed a break. The dancing was good though and seeing all my friends look so smart. Try and enjoy it because you only live once and you deserve to be happy.

I know how you feel I feel lonely in the summer too, but remember u can talk to me anytime, sori I've been a lil slow at replying at the mo I'm kinda snowed under with work. I went to the Dr.'s she dint annoy me as much as usual which was good but because I only have 4 wks left there's no time for staring treatment , she said she could organize summat for the summer or for wen I get bak in October but dunno sed I'd think about it 4 wen I see her in a couple of weeks. I have to have a blood test and a bone scan as well. the idea of a bone scan really freaks me out because I dread to think how bad they may be and not sure if I wana know.

Let me know how your last exam goes and your ball of course =)

Thinking of u always

Katie xxx

Heya sweety,

Do not apologise it really does not matter when you reply or when you get the chance to.  I know that uni can be pressurising and gives a lot of work so I know how stressful it can be.

My exam went really well and the ball was ok.  I went ate all three meals as it was a posh hotel so you got small portions but I still struggled through each course.  I left the ball early and went to  Union which was a bit wierd as was all dressed up. Luckly there was 6 of us. Your right though seeing friends all dressed up was good it also helped that they were enjoying themselves and it helped me put my worries to one side most of the time.

Same goes for you babe I am here to talk to over the summer as well to give you as much support as I can.  It is that your GP is perpared to help and has sent you for tests and scans.  Plese accept the help even if it is starts in October, then you have the chance to get used to the idea of getting proffessional help.  As for the scans they are only to make sure that everything is ok and if not then they can treat it a.s.a.p.   It  is scary to have the tests/scans and to get the results but I am here if you need me and need to talk about your fears.  For all you know your bones maybe ok but it is better to be safe than sorry.

Promise me you will accept the help that the GP is offering.  It is a difficult step but in the long run if you get too ill then you may have no choice in whether you get help or not and may be hospitalised involuntary which is not a good thing as you will be on drips and forced fed and will not be allowed to leave until they say so.  I had a friend who refused so much that they had to get the police involved.  Sorry do not mean to scare you this is only the extreme of cases and she not only had an ED but something else aswell.  I only caer for you as I want you, like many other people, o get better and live the life you want.  Getting help for an ED is not as scary as you think.  Sorry enough of the lecture. Do not mean to make you feel bad. Like you said to me you only live life once and you deserve to be happy so live it to the full.  You can beat the ED.

Let me know how you are going and your results as and when you get them.  Take care.

Thinking of you always to.

hugs

xxx

Awwwwww sweetie so proud of you for making it through the ball and the meal and everything. Hopefully you can use the summer break to get yourself back on track so next term life will be a lil easier.

Are you going home now your exams have finished? I'm have bout 4 weeks left and am looking forward to seeing my family again but not to them nagging me ! I sooooo want to beat this though, my friends are all going away in the summer and I really wanted to go but I'm not because I know I can't cope with it right now especially as they dont know about my ED and it's not fair on them. Last summer I'd planned a trip to Egypt with one of my friends, the doctor tried to stop me going but agreed to let me go in the end if my mum came, I felt really bad 4 ma friend coz I almost ruined things 4 her by not being allowed to go. Hope you can relax a bit now your exams are over and do some nice things. Are you looking 4ward to going home?

Thanks for giving me a push in the right direction doctor wise =) Hope your ok, proud of u !

love

katie xxx

Heya sweety,

I take it you have agreed to extra help??? from the GP??? 

You did not ruin things for your friend and if your mum has to go then fair enough.  Did she not ask y though?

My family do not know about me and I know they will not find out because I am careful but there is still that fear. But one or two of my friends do. I guess I am the opposite.we all need a break and it is our ED that is stopping you not you. 

I am completely alone this summer so the chance of me going down hill is a huge possibility.  I like to know a person before I even think about talking to them about my problems I like to know whether they can cope or not.  So the suggesting that my psychiatrist said about ringing the nhs helpline or speaking to my doctor down here is not much use.  Do not get me rong my doctor knows a bit about me but she can not do anything about it.  Not now that I am registered at a doctors surgery in *.  What can she do???

I am so proud of you coping with your ED going to the doctors and staying with your uni course it takes a lot for someone to do that.  YOu are amazing and incrediably strong.

Let me know how things are going.

take care

xxx

    Hello well I have to talk to someone about this as its driving me crazy, My freidns and my family have no idea what i am going through at the moment and i am on the brink of losing it, well i feel like i am, of course i will not do anything to lose it though, but i feel like i want someone to reach out and help me. I thought i had gotten over my eating issues, and i used to be 'thin' and now i am 'fat' and its making me feel so sick knowing that i dont fit in my jeans anymore. i know that sounds so pathetic and i feel stupid for this becuase i know theres a whole world out there and i am well, apart from this problem i have. i am not sick or dying so why do i create these problems for myself?

 So i have exams at the moment and i am so stressed, and its making me sick.  Then today i od' and binged on a load of food, it was discusting and then i made myself sick. and i tell my parents and my sister and my friends oh today i od' i ate * i ate *and i didnt work out.. but i can never tell them the whole truth of whats going on i dont know why but there is something holding me back from telling them. I am finding this so impossible beinghere doing these exams and i am killing lonliness and i just want it to be over, three weeks and uni will end.

 But i am stuck and i am od'ing on food, My period has stopped and it has been irregular since last november. that's bad. i know it;'s bad. I don;t wanna be infertile and i wanna have kids one day.

 I know maybe i should tell them and they will be supportive but i just dont know where to start. I am seeing my nan this weekend and maybe i could drop a hint to her but a part of me is so embarassed by the way i have big big binges of junk and then throw it up. i just feel so confused about all of this and i have told myself i will stop i will start agian. i dont work out like i used to, i used to work out everyday and i was so fit asnf toned, and i see myself becoming fatter and that makes me just want to hide, or take time off to clear my head and clear my body and work on my mind and myself and get clean again and stop doing all this crazy ******!

 wELL i definitely feel better after that rant! it's good to be able to just let it out and know that someone will udnerstand, i am sure there are people out there like me, but for me in my social circle my life circle and just where i am right now i could never even dream of telling this to people, i dont think they have the slighest clue! inside i am breaking but on the outside i look so strong. i am not.

 i hope you guys are all good

i hope this makes sense to someone

xxxxxxx 

hi,

I am not sure what to say to that except od ing is not good.  You need to talk to your GP and soon.  You need some proffessional help.  I know this is sounding harsh and I know it is scary but find someone to talk to especially the GP. none of this is going to go away until you get proffessional help.

I have finished uni and it is hard to cope but if you want to tell your nan then do so.  She sounds like she can be of a big help.

let me know how things are going.  I am sorry I can not be more supportive but I know people on these boards are.  If you re posted this as a post in itself you will get loads more responses.

I am sorry i really do not know what to say.

Take care

xxx

heya katie,

How is it going???

Things for me are not so great. I have been home for a day an d a half and I think my mum is already expecting something.  She asked me if I was ok and she doesn't do that unless she has suspicions.  I told her I was fine but I really want her to know at the same time.  I am feeling so lost and  want to run away.  I so wish my support system was down here and not in scotland.

Let me know how you are.

thinking of you.

xxx

Hey sori babe had internet problems and not had a private time to write. So sori wasnt there 4 u :(

How are things now- still bad . Try talking to your mum, it may help and perhaps you can get some support now your at home as it sounds like you need it. What are you doing now you've finished 4 the summer, i'm dreading it.

Thinks going ok but my confidence seems really low at the mo and it's like i'm so scared people will be horrible and reject me and that they dont really like me and are just pretending to. I was really gaining confidence since starting uni as well so I dont know why this has happened. Having my blood tests tomorow, not heard about the bone scan though.

Enough about me though I just wish i cud hug u n make things better, I'm thinking of you and here for you - internet troubles sorted now :) Let me know how your doing.

*love*

katie xxx

Heya sweety,

I was wondering what had happened to you dont apologise though these things can not be helped. Thank you....hugs back.

HOw are you?

I may have to get support I tell myself that I will not take them but I can't help it as I do.  I know I need to go and see a gp but a lot of me does not want to saying I am making a fuss about nothing.

I am trying to get a job and have sent out CV's out have not heard back from any of them (except one and they offered me an interview and then on the same day as offering it they said no as they wanted permanent staff.) This hurt and now I am scared to apply to more in fear of being rejected...there must be something wrong with me as I cannot seem to get a job... it makes me feel worse about myself.  So I know how you feel. A job also is dangerousd for me because I will not eat while I am working not even in my lunch breaks.  So not good. Yet I still am desparate for a job. Not quite sure y?????

It is easier to fake who you are in a place where not many people know you i.e. uni.  Therefore you can make up someone who has a high self esteem in order to be liked.  Going back home is diifferent because u subconsciously to not have to impress anyone or gain friends.  Home is also were you associate all your problems so it will be more difficult.

I am finding it really hard being at home and my self esteem is low and I am scared.  I have been down for a week and a half and still not even seen my close friends yet. Only just got round to organising to meet up with one of them next week. (unusal for me). I still have not told my mum. Am really scared of her reaction. Once and when I finally pluck up the courage to see gp to get checked out I might tell her if there is a problem...otherwise why worry her. Ok maybe I should tell her I just do not want to at the moment. I am so confused with my thoughts...I do not know which are right and which are harmful.

Enough about me.

When do you finish uni??? Do you have any plans already made...this might ease the dreading?? Also what is happening about your support network?

How are you doing? How has this semester doing?

take care.

big hugs.

xxx

p.s. just got a provisional grade for an exam just sat this semester. I got an A in it. I do not know how and I do not know why.  I am scared they have marked it wrong which I know she hasn't but I cannot have got that grade not in the state that I am now.

Hey well done you in the exam. You should believe in yourself your obviously good enough to be at uni or you wouldn't be there and I'm sure the examiners mark enough papers to know what they're doing.

Sorry to hear you've been down. It'll probably do you good meeting up with your friend though. I usually dread things or cant be bothered to arrange them and then actually really enjoy seeing people and it makes me feel like fighting so I can enjoy social events properly .

Yeh no pressure to tell your mum just make sure you get help that's all, and keep trying nobody can ask more. I'm sure you'll get a job if thats what you want but yeh working is often an excuse not to eat but remember you have to in order to do the job properly and be sucessful. Perhaps you could just work mornings or something then you wouldn't have to eat at work?

 I want so much for you in life and it's not your fault thatb this has happened you deserve more. You obviously care about your mum and your family , have lots of friends and a great career ahead of you so keep goin girly and think positive thoughts.

I have stars on my notice board in front of where I work with positive quotes on so everytime I look up I can see them and they remind me to try and be positive and keep going . I'm hopefully getting a job for the summer to, I really want to go away but planning a big trip next summer when I'm stronger (hopefully) so it will give me something to work towards. Got lots of work still but just 2 weeks to go so it's easing of a little and I'm really making an effort to socialize more. I'm not looking forward to going home though I'll miss my friends and independance sooooooo much

Let me know how you are and try and get help huni :)

*hugs*

katie xxx

Heya sweety,

Thank you   I went into my gp today to make an appointment next week.  I have one but it seems that because I now have a gp in a different country my records have been completely removed and there is no sign of me on english nhs services. But its one step in the right direction.

Yeah I miss that...the independence and my friends but I text them as often as I can when I am at home to try and tell them that I havent forgotten about htem and the fact that they sometimes text me just out of the blue is really nice and helps me gain the strength to keep going until I see them again. Am finding it hard that family in one place and friends somewhere different. Only have two true friends at home. So meeting up with them keeps me going and not feling so isolated.

I cannot afford to work half a day but I like your idea of the star thing...and positive comments infront of you might try that when I get work...do you mind if I take that and use it.

I am doing ok am hating the fact that have to eat and knowing that it sits in my body. Saw myself in the mirror today for the first time in a few days.  OMG I feel that I am huge!!!!!!!

How is it going with you.

Take care

xxx

Just found out that my aunties pregnancy is worse tan we thought.

xxx

Hey well done you making an appointment all you have to do now is go to it which I know you will, I'm so proud of you  

Awww huni i'm here if you wana talk about your aunty , hope things aren't too bad there. You don't have to share it if you don't want but it may help just to offload it and I'm here if you need to-no pressure.

I bet your not huge it's just the ED making you feel like that stay strong and fight those thoughts huni because your worth more than this.  I know how hard it can be feeling huge though , sometimes I just feel so bloated and stodgey and it's horid, I try to distract myself or go for a little walk but it isn't all that easy to get rid of the thoughts all we can do is keep trying though.

I've been to an oxford run charity that does activities for special needs children , I go once a week and it's good because it shows me that I'm not alone in finding things hard sometimes but the kids have such strength and enjoy life so much it really is inspiring .

I only have a couple of close friends at home to and one of them has a boyfriend so I hardly see her anymore. Also i feel as if we're drifting appart now we're at different uni's . Do your friends at home know about your problems?

I'm plodding on I have my ups and downs and sometimes my mood can just change really suddenly which is a bit annoying.  Of course I dont mind the star thing , I want to help in whateva way I can, here's one of my positive/encouraging notes

"Don't be pushed by your problems, be led by your dreams"

Stay strong huni and let me know how your weekend's going.

Katie xxx

Heya,

Things are just really **** for me atm. I am not getting on with family and I am just realy low and feel completely alone with everything. I also cant sleep and am losing all hope in life and what I deserve and dont deserve.  Still no one knows about me in my family and it is really hard coz mum will think I am making it up and tell me not to be silly.  And to think we were fairly close.  My two close friends know about me one more than the other.

I am so soory I cant write any more I just not great or happy enough to.

How are things going for you?

hope your weekend is ok.

Sorry for the depressing post.

take care

xxx

heya

I am doing ok now.  Although still terrified about doctors appointment and I am still doing what I m doing when it comes to eating, I am feeling a little happier.

How is it going for you.

xxx

Awwwwwww *hugs* sweetie,

you deserve so much more than this and I KNOW you can get through it , things may seem hard right now but there is always hope for the future. Sorry to hear that your not getting on with your family, sometimes their just to close for you to talk to but it may help, if not I'm always here 4 u.

Promise me you'll go to the appointment, I have a bone scan on Friday which I'm really scared about so I'll do you a deal I'll go to that if you go to the appointment , sound fair? We'll do this together babe.

Have you got a job yet, I'm soooooooooooo not looking forward to going home :( I'll just be bored and get really depressed , at least here there's so much to do .

Keep going sweetie and let me know how things go ,

Katie xxx

Heya sweety,

Firstly I need to apologise about one of my posts above. Well the first of the two latest ones.  I am sorry if you felf worried, I will not blame you if you did. I got an email from beat telling me that they were worried about that post and that I should seek extra help.  I have been so low that I have not been concentrating on what I had writtern to you.

Ok deal!!!   I also have to attend a self help group...partly because of the post and partly because if  I do not turn up the women will ring me to check that I am ok.  I think I am more terrified at showing my face to complete strangers than I am of going to the dr. the group is one evening a week.  So if I do both of these things then you must go to have your scan.  These boards have been amazing and you too have been really encouraging with me and I hope I am the same with you. At least I know from all this that I do have a genuine disorder and that my psychiatrist was sort of lying to me by saying one session that I had an ED and then the next I don't.

I haven't got a job yet but I feel so light headed and weak that I have asked an agency to find me one so hopefully soon. though who would employ me is kinda slim.  I am huge and ugly and not nice to look at.  I would be hopless in an office or a shop but that is all I have experience in except children but to work with them in an enclosed setting you have to have qualifications so that is out of the question.

Have you started looking for a job.  It might help with the dressing times and the bordem?  How are you coping at the moment?

So I am really sorry and thank you for putting up with me. It reallly means a lot.  Your amazing no wonder your at uni.

Take care

hugs

xxx

Hey, well done =)

I am soooooo proud of you ! Yes I was kinda worried as you sounded so low and I know how sometimes things seem to get too much but hang on in there. I'm glad beat emailed you, you are ill and we all care about you and want what's best for you.

I hope you find the group helpful, in time you may find it easier talking to these people who you'll see once a week because they'll have some understanding of what your going through and sometimes it's easier to talk to people you dont know so well because those you do know well are too close. So glad your getting help.

Yeh I guess i will go to the scan , really nervous about it tho and not sure what good it'll do. I've been looking 4 a job but not got one yet. I'm on the psychology society for next year though which i'm excited about as i'll get to meet new people and hopefully make new friends, it'll also give me a bit of summat to focus on over the summer arranging stuff. Got lots of work still but can't complain as i'll be bored soon enough.

Does your mum know about the group? Hope it goes well, let me know how your doing,

*super hugs *

Katie x

Heya,

The group was a bit wierd. YOu do not have to go and it is a dropin thing so you can leave when you want. Mum doesn't know about it...she still does not know about me.     it is held every other week so I can turn up when and as. I was the only one that turned up this time which for me and my friend who I took with me for moral support found a lot more happier and easier to cope with.

How did the scan go today?  When do you get your results???

I have just found out that I have completely passed first year.but only just.

Hugs

xxx

Wooooooo well done you, you passed that's great =) It doesnt matter how much you passed by the fact is you did !

Glad that you went to the meeting and that it wasnt as bad as you thought. Do you think it helped?

The scan went ok, basically one of the readings of bone density was ok -ish and the other wasn't as great but wasnt as bad as I'd prepared myself 4 . I could tell the lady thought i was stupid tho, she was nice and everything but clearly didn't understand and put "lifestyle advice" on the form for me to take to the doctors, I know what i need to do , its actually doing it that's the problem! She was basically telling me to eat differently like it's that easy, it made me a bit mad but I'm also kinda used to people wiv that attitude so its nothing new.

What you up to this weekend? Hows the hols going ?

Katie xxx