Hey, I'm Berny :)

hey

im lolly and in recovery from bulimia after around 3 years

mine was kind of a constant fing tht i can pinpoint to sum fings now so a bit different i guess

weldun for teelin ur frends n for goin to the place for help - im so sorry they turned u away like that - i fink thats bad practice - they shuld of atleast told u names or details of other places surely

all i can suggest is mayb visitin ur gp or a skool nurse?

mayb ur frends dont kno how to say it to u - i kno mine didnt they didnt hav a clu wat to say didnt kno how to help

but i fink its important u get help

y do u want to look different and b different? it seems like ur holdin on to the bulimia for sum reason - i kno for me it made me feel safe and free. wen u say different do u mean u wana stay lookin different or u want to feel different from frends? like in sumway b unique - im not to sure how this is soundin but please dunt take any offence

i hope ur exams go well

i was okish at gcse and was a bit of a geek so spent all my time revision but for me then it was an escape route but at alevels it was a total diff story and no revision got dun at all and lessons wer all confusin and i had to battel to stay awake let alone concentrate. But i still came out with decent grades so wat i guess im sayin is ya can only do ya best and under circumstances any grade wil b gr8

take care keep strong

all the best lolly xx

Thanks lolly :)

I've made my friends sound like right****! But honestly, they are so amazing, theyre like the best thing in my life! I don't mind that they don't talk to me about it.

I know when i first told them they were all really worried about me, they just never talked to me. I don't think they knew what to say.

No, it is definately nothing to do with being different to my friends or unique in any way! I'm not very open so it isnt like i make a thing of it at all, and its certainly not my idea of being unique. I'd love not to feel  like this.

Yea, theres definately a part of me holding onto it. I wish there wasn't, all of my rational thinking goes out of the window because i know its not good, healthy, and is only damaging, yet something takes over and overpowers any rational thoughts i have. Actually, i mentioned that its not a constant thing, but also i dont binge, i don't eat huge amounts. But when i feel crap, what i have eaten is too much. I don't have to eat a lot for me to feel like that.

I want to look different.

I wish i didnt. Because a part of me knows i don't need to look different. But a more powerful part of me thinks i do.

Wow, you must be really clever!

To come out with good marks at A-levels considering!

:-)

Thanks Lolly

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

My name is Lillies and i have ED-NOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I have been an inpatient last year and at the moment i am struggling with my eating.

I think you should do what lollypop said and speak to your school nurse or gp. My school nurse is really great and she has helped me through a lot of difficult times, so why don't you try going to see her? I know it is hard to take that first step to recovery, but just think how much better you will feel as you start to recover.

I am holding onto my ED. I don't want to let it go because for some reason i feel have to hold onto it. I feel too scared to eat normally because that means being a higher weight which i find difficult to cope with.

I told a couple of people at my school about my ED, but then those people told other people and before i knew it everyone was making nasty comments about me being in hospital, so please be careful who you tell, because i wouldn't want that to happen to you.

How are you doing? Just wondering, what is Berny short for?

Please try and talk to someone,

-xxx- lillies

Lillies:

I'm doing ok. Feeling worse than I have done for a while. But i'm ok.

I would go to my school nurse, but i think if its something that is damaging you they have to let other people know.

I can't deal with that.

The people I have told are my best friends in the world. In my first intro i made them sound a bit rubbish but i assure you they're not. Its certainly not going anywhere.

And im not underweight, people don't talk abouu me.

Im sorry to hear that your story got spread and talked about :-(

Don't they tell someone at your gp as well?

Also, my mum knows a gp at my doctors surgery through work!

Sorry to hear ur struggling, im here to talk to if you wish :-)

How are you doing?

Thanks

xXx Berny xXx

ps Lollies. [otherwise known as Bernadette]

Just to say hi really. lolly's said it all. I've only told 1 friend but its true they don't really no wat 2 say or how 2 approach the subject and she's a med student 2!! It's no reflection on ur friends at all, mine are all fantastic and i no they care loads and it sounds like urs really care about u 2, so that must be of some support and of some comfort to u? things like this r really hard to deal wiv, especially wen all ur rational thought is screaming at u& things r just going round and round in ur head all the time. i'm really pleased that uv signed up 2 the board. i only just have 2, thought about it 4 ages but have only just had the guts. so far its really helped me cos u can talk 2 ppl who understand and u can let go of all that stuff wirring in ur head. we're all here 4u. wateva u want 2 say, say it! let me no how ur doing. aml

Hi :)

Thank you, yea my friends to care, i love them all!

I havnt been great today, but now my english gcse is over!

:) Well done also for signing up the boards :)

I think it will help loads :)

Thanks all

xXx Berny xXx

hey berny

hun ur skool nurse doesnt have to tell anyone unless u r at sever risk to urself or sum1 else - its the same as any other medical person or therapist or anyone - they r duty bound not to tell unless u agree to them tellin.

the onyl way u can get help is by askin n lettin sum1 kno

im sure ur frends r great but u need mor than a kind word from a frend to help u. they can support u for so long but medically u need help and to talk throught things maybe

i was worried my mum wuld find out as she knows the receptionist at my surgery and at tht time my bro was ther alot for his problems but hun doctors cannot tell ur mum a thing even if they want to they cant they wil b breakin all rules.

i hav to go out now take care

n weldun for doin ya gcses

xxxlollyxxx

well done for having done ure English now. I remember doing mine still, it was definitely the worst one with all that writing and there's so many ways to interpret books. or was it language today in which case it's poetry right? keep going, with each one that you do, it's one less until the end- there is a light and it will all be so worth the effort. good luck and keep in touch! aml

Hey guys :)

Lolly: Thanks so much for the support and ur information about the doctors and getting help. I do want help, but I am definately scared of my mum finding out. Not through the doctors or school or anything because i know they have rules of confidentiality. But I'm scared of my mum noticing things.

Yeah the english was language, it was the second paper which meant poems of different cultures (yay) and writing to inform, explain and describe (what joy) lol =P. But its over now so let's not dwell!

5 more exams until freedom!

I go away with my friends for 5 days after exams finish, to the isle of whight :-)

Then in the summer i go to Ethiopia for a month for charity stuff. I'm a scout / explorer and were going on an expedition. I am so excited. We're building a school library and re-doing the school, and the latrines for the school and the town, and planting 60 trees as well :-)

It'll be amazing. But things will definately be different for me out there, and i hate to say it but because of all the work we will be doing and the heat and the exercise and the climbing of mountains. I might lose wieght. I hate that it makes me happy because i just want to have an amazing experience there yet i can't help the fact that the prospect of me most probably losing wieght out there makes me feel good. 

Thanks guys, keep me posted :)

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I am so sorry it has been a long time since i left you a message, but my mum had a bad injury and i have had to do all the housework, help with the cooking and looking after my little sister etc so this is the first time i have had time to get on the computer!

I really do think that you should tell your school nurse about your ED, because she will be able to help, and she is bound to the rules of confidentiality not to tell anyone unless you are in real danger, so please try and speak to her if you feel that you can't speak to someone at your gp surgery.

I'm doing okay at the moment, thanks :). Had a bit of a better weekend but i've had a bad day at school, so i've got mixed feelings, but i'm trying to put on a brave face for my mum.

Going to Ethiopia sounds great :). Do you have to have injections and stuff?

I like your name by the way!

How are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey, sorry to hear bout ur mum having an injury! Hope she gets fit soon and that you don't have the stress of the household by yourself for too long!

I will think about telling a school nurse. But the thing is i'm not at school anymore because of exams. And i wont be until back in September. And i'm hoping Ethiopia might change things a bit for me.

Things are  bad for me atm but im trying to stay strong. I'm glad you've had a better weekend! :)

Yea i have to have 3 injections actually!

I have them soon as a matter of fact! They don't bother me that much, but i'm so excited about the expedition :)

Thanks, my brothers chose my name actually. I have three older brothers!

Keep in touch and take care

xXx Berny xXx

Hey hun. how's things?? Ethiopia sounds like its going to be absolutely amazing and so fulfilling. It will be one of those life changing experiences and I think once you come back you will have a completely new appreciation for life. I did a similar thing a few years ago at a cheetah breeding project in Hoedspruit, South Africa (near Krueger), the most amazing time. Try to look on this opportunity as sth to stay healthy for and sth that will stay with you for the rest of your life because believe me it will. Maybe look on it as a way to take control over your eating habits and to normalise your eating patterns. You will be with ppl you don't know (sth afresh maybe), and will probably by virtue of the situation be given 3 meals a day. Maybe this could help you to stop the binges?? I hope the rest of your exams are going well. aml Adelex/x

Hi,

I hate injections - i was supposed to have one a couple of years ago, and i still haven't got round to doing it because i am so scared of needles. I want to be a children's nurse when i am older, but sticking needles in other people doesn't bother me, it is only when they are being stuck into me!

I'm glad it wasn't down to my siblings to chose my name - they were all born after me anyway. :)

You could phone the school and ask to be given the school nurse's office/mobile number, and then phone her up and ask to meet her to discuss some issues that you have at the moment - she would be more than happy to help.

I binge-ate today. I know i have put on weight because i have all this flab on my arms and i look really awful in the mirror.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey Adele, thanks for the message! Yea ethiopia will be amazing and i think will definately help me. The eating will be regular over there we will actually be eating 4 times aday because of the amount of work we will be doing. As well as the three meals a day we have what we call "eggs-o-clock" and we have like egg and bread to give us energy.

And i know i wont make myself through up there. I don't actually binge, I know that there are all sorts of varietys on bulimia but I think i might just fit under EDNOS because at the moment things have been bad for me, I'm eating very little throughout the day, because im at home by myself so my mum is obviously not around, and then when i have the evening meal i've been throwing it up. So i never actually binge, its simply a case of me feeling that what i have had is too much.

You're time in South Africa sounds amaaazing, i hope i have a good a time as it sounds like you had :) Sorry, im blabbling for england. How are you doing?

Lillies: heehee! *yea don't mind jabbing other people, but none for me thanks!!!* Yea i'm having three injections tomorrow actually!!!!! There are two girls who are coming who have SERIOUS phobias of needles, one of them has had hypnosis therapy since january to get the injections!!! It worked though, if not a lil expensive!!

Thanks for your information bout the school nurse, i think we only have a *drop in nurse* every other friday so i'm really not sure how to go about it.

What made you binge? Don't worry about it, you can stay strong :) Don't let the mirror descieve you, have you seen my poem about a mirror? It's in the poem section of the message boards if you wanted to have a look. Keep your chin up sweetie :)

Thanks guys.

Take care and keep me posted

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I'm sure you will have a lovely time in Ethiopia - it should be should an inspirational journey to go on, and it might help you to get better.

I feel really fat at the moment, and i am starting to exercise again and i am slowly beginning to eat less, so things aren't good at the moment :( How are you doing?

My school nurse only comes in school officially once or twice a week, but sometimes she comes in more often if i or other people have problems that need sorting out urgently. Last year when i was at my worst, i used to see her up to every day because i needed daily support, or i used to talk to her on the phone a lot.

I will read your poem on mirrors when i get a minute, thanks :)

School made me binge. I am just so fed up of it, and when i am at home i eat less, and then when i am at school i eat too much, i think because i have more access to food at school as there are shops nearby.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Sorry to hear you're not doing too great Lillies. I was really bad last week but this week as been a little bit better.

I'm the other way around, when I am at school there are a lot of distractions. Then I get home and there's always plenty of food. So being on study leave and at home the majority of the time isn't great for me.

Take care, I hope things don't look too bad for long. stay strong

xXx Berny xXx

Hey darling, I'm fluctuating through good and bad at the moment but am battling on.  Have you finished all your exams yet, how did they all go?? How's the ED going at the moment, are you managing to eat anymore even if its just sth little? In the evenings is it possible to eat anything that you won't want to throw up after, then maybe adding new things in slowly to that. sometimes I CAN manage to stop myself. I think about all the things that I cld do to myself by vomiting and how I wld never forgive myself for that, like in the worst case scenario and also the acid damage to the cells, and everytime I do stop it I'm reducing the risk of things like that happening. It could be a start to recovery anyway if you cld stop it like that. I really hope that you can find the strength to see you school nurse, I know it's going to be really difficult but in the long run it cld be the best thing that you ever did. You might get your life back. I feel like a hypocrit for saying that because I've only made half hearted attempts to sort mine out, been to my doctor once or twice but always back tracked on what I've said. However, maybe if I'd tried harder earlier on I wldn't be where I am now. Hope I've helped you a little. Let me know how things are. aml Adelex/x   

Hi,

How are your exams going?

Mine are finished now, which is good :)

How are you doing?

I'm feeling down today, as i have eaten too much and i will now  exercise it off :(

People at school are getting me down, saying stuff to me all the time, so yeah....

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey Adele,

Yea, i feel a bit up and down at the moment as well, i finish my exams tomorrow :D :D :D :D :D :D :D. And it is my brothers birthday tomorrow as well he'll be 25, so were going out for dinner. It should be OK eating wise, last week i was throwing up everything i was eating. This week im not, but i feel as though i am eating all the time :(

The only thing i worry about is my teeth! Thanks for all your help Adele :) Its good that you can stop yourself. Sometimes if im in the bathroom I will have a lil argument between me and the ED Im just there for like 5 mins and it will win or it wont.

Thank you :)

Take care, all the best

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I'm glad that you have finished your exams. Mine finished a while ago, and i know how much worse they make your ED because of all the extra stress and worry. When i did my exams, instead of restricting like i did for my GCSE's, i binge-ate constantly, and i know this was wrong, but i couldn't help it. You just have to try and focus on something else, like listening to music or reading a good book.

I worry about my teeth as well. When i was very underweight, all my teeth hurt and they felt numb and weird, but now they are okay, but my gums have receeded a lot, which means that i will have bad teeth earlier, and in a way, this stops me going back to how i was before. I never managed to make myself sick, which is good, but my teeth have still been affected.

How are you doing?

-xxx- lillies

Hey. How was your brother's birthday?? aml

Hey Lillies :) Through my exams I was very up and down, fine one minute, throwing up and eating little the next, then eating a lot, then being ok!

Its insane, but even now exams are over I feel like I havn't got as much free time as I feel I should!

On Monday, I go to the Isle of Wight with my friends for 5 days :-), so I wont be able to come online so I wish you all a good week!! :-)

As for my brothers Birthday, I had a nice evening, now we're all older we get on a lot better and had a nice time. Got a few *sibling photos* with my new camera :)

How are you?

Sorry if I don't reply for a while, I'm not going to be here. Still let me know how things are and i will get back to you as soon as possible.

Thanks

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

At least your exams are over now, which means that you can relax, and hopefully, now that the strain of your exams has gone, you will feel a bit better and your eating will get a bit better.

I hope you have a nice time at the Isle of Wight. *hugs*

I'm not too good at the moment :(. Feeling really depressed, but i am too scared to show it to anyone.

how are you doing?

-xxx- lillies

Hey, im Lauren I know exactly how you feel. Like you want to be better so much, yet you want to be thin and the two dont come as a pair. Hard to choose isnt it? Message me bac if u wanna chatt xxx

Hey darling! How are you, how was the Isle of Wight?? Did you get coloured sand ornaments?? It all sounds like so much fun. hugs.

Hey Lillies, I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling great :( Exams over is deffinately good.

The Isle of Wight was great, I had a lovely time. No scales, no full sized mirrors.

Try to let someone know you're feeling bad if you can?

I know it's hard but stay strong :)

Lauren, i totally understand, want them both but they certainly don't come as a pair. I suppose its just the thoughts we have that have to change.

Adele: Isle of Wight was great thanks :) had an awesome time. Hahaha, no sand ornaments, that sounds as though it has come from experience!!

The beach was sooo nice, i have pictures that look as though we're in the carribean! Good fun.

Hope you're all ok, keep strong

*Huggggs*

xXxBernyxXx

Yeah, tis indeed. How are ur exams?? xx

Hi,

I'm pleased that you had a nice time in the Isle of Wight. I have been across there sailing, but i never actually got to have a good look around, as the weather turned and we had to get back across to the mainland. It made me forget all my problems as well, and i thoroughly enjoyed it. I went last year with my uncle.

My mood has been really erratic recently. One moment i am really depressed, then really anxious, then excited, then i have this uncontrollable anger where i end up shouting at people and self-harming, so i am really unstable at the moment and it scares me so much. I can't settle either, and the only time i feel connected with people is when i come on here.

How is everyone doing?

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

Hey lillies, sorry to hear you're not feeling great.

Oooh sailing, thats cool; i've never been.

Although on the ferry across, we had to stop because there was a capsized sailing boat and a helicopter coming to get them! (not to worry you or anything!) Yea its good to have something you can use to escape.

I'm getting anxious about my trip to ethiopia, i spent over £120 on kit today!

I hope things settle down soon :)

Take care

xXxBernyxXx

Hi,

That was unlucky for the people on the sailing boat - i hope they were okay : /

When are you going to ethiopia?

Today has been a really bad day today and i kepp arguing with everyone all the time.

How are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey lillies..

yea the people in the boat were fine! They got taken away by a lil helipcopter :D

I go away to Ethiopia in 9 days :D :D on the 11th of July, aaaaaaaaaaaah. lol

Sorry to hear today hasn't been great, i have been ok for a week or so :-D i hope it stays that way until i go away beacuse i know when i go away things will be smooth because i will have to eat what im given, when im given it so it will all be set so there will be no over eating, unneccesary eating, no not eating at all e.t.c. :-D

Keep me posted :)  (until i go away that is!)

take care

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

What diseases did you have to have injections for? I'm just interested in health stuff, because i want to work in the health sector in the future if i ever get better, which is a very remote possibility. I'm always on health pages on the internet looking up diseases and stuff, because it interests me.

When do you come back from Ethiopia?

I think i would be too scared to go to africa, for lots of reasons, which i won't say because i don't want to scare you, so i think you are really brave going. I didn't think 16 year olds were allowed to go on trips like that, do you have to pay?

how are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Yea im going with the scouts, i had to have a yellow fever injection and typhoid and hepatitis (some letter or other) lol.

Its all going to be safe and stuff so i'm not too worried.

Yea i have to pay loads!!!!!!

I've paid £1200 to actually go, then loads more on kit and stuff like that.

As well as travel we have to include money to help buy the materials for building and stuff like that.

That's cool that you're into the health and stuff, i wish there was something i really had an interest in, as it is for me, i just dont have a clue what i want to do!

I'm doing ok thanks, how are you?

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

That's a lot of money to pay. I couldn't afford it.

How are you doing?

I spoke to my dad the other day....he was offish with me as usual :(

I'm not doing too great - i just feel really down at the moment. My mum thinks i am fine.

 Didn't feel like eating at all.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

It is an awful lot of money and it took sooooo much for me to pay it, i was saving for ages and every little bit of work or babysitting i did would immediately go away and i wouldnt spend it on anything!

I'm doing well though, and am very excited about Friday! :-D

Sorry to hear you are not doing great and stuff is hard with your family, if your mum thinks you're fine do you want to talk to her?

Try and eat a little, even if it is something small.

take care,

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I just wanted to say that i hope you have a really nice time in Ethiopia, and please take care of yourself and enjoy the experience and try and push your ED to the back of your mind, although i know how hard that is. I will be thinking of you and i wish you all the best. I will miss you though!

When do you come back? How are you?

I said to my mum earlier 'i'm really not fine, you have no idea what i am going through at all', and she said 'i do', and i looked at her and said 'you really don't', and then i walked away because i was feeling emotional.

I have tonsilitus.....eurgh :(

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

Oh no! Tonsilitus! I really hope you get better soon!

Thank you, I really do think that this will help me, because my eating has been quite good leading up to me going and so i hope it can continue because it will be easier when im away and busy.

I come back in August, something like that, i look forward to catching up with you when i return! Because i will miss you too and being able to talk to someone who understands.

Although talking to your mum and getting things accross is hard, you are doing SO well, my mum doesnt even know!

So i hope the tonsilitus clears up soon and take care of yourself,

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I know you will be in Ethiopia now, so i will just say that i hope you have a nice time and i look forward to hearing about your adventure when you come back :)

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey guys!

I'm back from my trip it was absolutely fantastic, just wanted to see how you all are?

xXx Berny xXx

How exciting, tell us all!! How did it all go?

Hi,

I'm pleased that you had a nice time.

Things are really bad my end, but i will have to explain when i get back from my holiday (i am going tomorrow and will be back on the 23rd august) - sorry xx

Basically, i keep arguing with my mum, i'm self harming again, my mum and my therapist have given up on me, my school nurse is ignoring my texts, i got bad a-level results, i am restricting my diet since i found out how much i weighed when i went to my aunts and stood on her scales, and i haven't told anyone because i am too ashamed, i feel really depressed, if you want the full picture then just read my other posts - they explain in more detail.

How are you doing?

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

Sorry about my last post - i wasn't myself at all.

I hope you aren't mad at me for being so...i don't know, um...strange.

How did it go on your holiday?

speak soon,

-xxx- lillies

Hey, don't be sorry. I'm sorry things look bad at the moment.

Even if you think people have given up on you, the chances are they haven't really. And even if they have you can't give up on yourself.

I'm doing ok, things were good while i was away. And have been since. Though i lost weight over there, came back and it's all gone back on. I thought the trip might change things but im still having the negative stuff going through my mind.

Don't give up on yourself yea?

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I'm glad your trip went well :) Just try and eat nutritous meals throughout the day to keep your energy levels up. I know how hard it is, because i struggle to do it myself, but you will feel better for it, promise xx.

I'm sorry that you are having the negative thoughts going through your mind again, just try to think positive whenever you can *hugs*

How are you doing? How did your GCSE's go (results)?

I gave up hope that i would ever get better about ten months ago, when i came out of ip treatment not better, so at the moment, i'm just taking each day as it comes.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

How are you doing? Did you get any good photo's from the trip?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Heya, thanks for the chat :)

I was really happy with my GCSE's so that was good :). I have good photos but i'm a bit annoyed because my camera for some reason wont let me put the photos onto the computer so its being rubbish.

Im doing ok, though i get so aggravated when i go shopping. I'm in desperate need of clothes because im going into sixth form and stuff and i just generally dont have any clothes!

But i go shopping and just never ever return with anything because i try things on, look at myself and i just think i look horrible in everything i try on! it;s hopeless and i never buy anything!

Back to school, spose its college now, on wednesday.

How are things with you? I know what you mean about eating regular meals, it helps so much and it makes me feel better.  But at the moment i can't control my snacking. I ripped a page out of a magasine which was an advert about eating disorders and it;s about eating when you;re truley hungry and stopping when you're full. I keep it with me but it's so hard.

take care :)

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I'm glad that you did well in your GCSE's - well done :). I am pleased for you xx

I'm not an expert with cameras, but maybe you could e-mail the camera company and ask them for advice, or you could go to one of those shops where you plug your camera in, pick the photo's and print them off, although you do have to pay a small amount.

I get upset when i go shopping too, because i feel as though everything looks rubbish, and i end up buying shapeless clothes because i feel to self-conscious in anything thats tight. Just remember that it is the ED talking, not you *hugs*

I go back on thursday :(

Things aren't good with me. I have been restricting and exercising for a bit now, and my mum said i have shadows under my eyes, but to me i still look the same.

The advert in the magazine sounds good - which magazine was it?

How are you doing?

take care,

-xxx- lillies

Hey,

Yea i did exactly that, I sent an email to the camera company and they replied after ages and asked me questions which i had already answered. Which was a bit annoying but there we go. I'm still waiting for another reply! If all that fails then yea i think i was going to print a couple at one of those booths anyway :)

I know exactly what you mean, i live my life in hoodies and loose shirts,so i was getting really frustrated when i was shopping today and couldn't find anything, but i then found some high waisted shorts! :)

Oooh back to school, what year are you going back into, sorry i think you have told me but i've forgotten.

For me it should be quite exciting at first because i am going to the sixth form college of the shcool i have been at for five years so i know it and i know some of the people so i wont be nervous. But it will be exciting because of new lessons, teachers and new people. And boys come into our sixth form so its going to be wierd having boys after 5 years without!

I'm sorry to hear that, try and eat at least small amounts at the times of day you would have meals. The advert was in Cosmo Girl, i just got it so that i can tell you what it says. :)

EAT WHAT YOU WANT -

when you are truly hungry. Stop when you're full. And eat exactly what appeals to you. Do this instead of any diet, and you are unlikely to  ever have a weight problem, let alone an eating disorder. To learn more about how and why this actually works, call 1-800-931-2237 or check out www.NationalEatingDisorders.org

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.

its obviously an american advert and number beacuse its in cosmo girl, but thats what i keep with me, maybe it can help you.

I'm not doing badly in a physical sense, i've not made myself throw up since.. i can't actually remember when it was, which is a good thing i suppose! Well not all summer :) I want to get better so much. I need to do some kind of exercise, not in a way because i want to lose weight because that isnt the kind of mind set i need right now, but just to keep my fitness up. If i do that kind of thing, not excessive though, it makes me feel a bit better just to know im keeping fit kind of thing.

Does that make sense, sorry, i'm talking loads...

take care and  i hope that add can help you :)

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

I'm glad that you haven't made yourself sick for ages - well done :)

I went back to school today and i hate it already. People kept laughing at me - i am in year 13. I hope you like sixth form though. I am at sixth form too.

My school nurse and my cpn are reducing my appointments over time gradually and i am so upset. I am seeing them both on tuesday to sort it all out, and i am so scared. I am so alone.

How are you doing? How was sixth form?

-xxx- lillies

Hi, im so sorry for the late reply :(

Thanks, i thought i was doing so well but now all these thoughts are coming back.

ive been so close and have had to use everything inside me to stop myself. One of my best friends has had anorexia and the only thing preventing her from being admitted to hospital is her being monitered and seeing a private physcologist. But shes getting better and doing so well :)

Sixth form is ok, a lot of work with the subjects im doing. Im sorry to hear you hate school :(...why on earth were people laughing at you?

grrrrr

hey sweetie, you're not alone.

So things have been downhill for me having thought i was doing so well. I dont want to get back to how things were, but god is it hard. Im still in the negative mindset of how i feel and how i want to be.

Hows things looking for you now?

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

It's good to hear from you :) I was getting worried about you *hugs*

How are you doing today?

People just laugh at me for all sorts of reasons, the way i sort of creep about trying not to be noticed, the way i eat my food, the way i dress, the way i always look depressed and scared, anything i suppose :(

Things are looking bad for me at the moment. My eating is going badly, as is the self-harm and school. I just feel depressed with it all at the moment.

I'm really sorry to hear that things are bad for you too *hugs*. Please remember that i am here for you if you want to talk. xx

stay strong,

-xxx- lillies

Hey,

I'm doing well, I'm going to join the gym after half term. Not to lose weight (well maybe a little bit) but mostly just to keep fit.

Because i have been eating the whole time, I've not thrown up for ages :) but i just keep eating and i hate myself for it.

II'm sorry to hear that you're not doing well :( try and keep strong, fight everything as hard as you can. As hard as it sounds! *hugs*

Talk to me anytime yea? I'll try and get on here way more often ok?

Take care lovely

xXx Berny xXx

Hey. Sounds like things are going really well for you at the moment. Well done, I'm really proud of how you're doing and you'll be so much the healthier for it. Hugs. Eating the 'whole' time is fine, you won't gain if it's all the 'right' foods. Try not to think about it too much, because if you don't worry about it you will find that you only want and need to eat when you're hungry.

Lillies, ppl can be so cruel, and if ppl want to laugh at you to vent their own insecurities and don't want to be sympathetic or empathetic then they are not worth the bother. You will find that the ppl worth you're time and effort will always be their for you no matter what and no matter how hard you try to push them away. Remember that and hopefully you will have sth to hold on to. Only you can choose how to live your life. At the end of the day, ppl can advise but the choices are yours to make. aml

Hey! Thank you :-), hmm I sometimes find it hard to control what I'm eating. I, not quite binge, but eat more of the wrong things than i should sometimes. But i'm not doing too badly! How are you?

And thats so true what you say to lillies, they're not worth your time even to talk about! So stay in there :)

Thanks for replying! haven't spoke in ages! How are you?

xXx Berny xXx

It's great to hear u sounding much more positive than u did once before. I think Ethipia was a major turning point for u. So here's to u, onwards and upwards for u!! I'm doing ok thanks, am coping and about to start looking for a job after a successful half season of eventing. I think I might do some locum work. Apparently I'd be on a good salary working only 3days a week to start with, but as a new grad??? It might be tough, but what's life without a challenge. Stay in touch, am I right in thinking you're doing ASs now? What r u taking?

Hi,

It's really good to hear from you *hugs*. How have you been? How is college/sixth form going?

I'm not allowed to join the school gym. Apparantely, i will 'lose weight and ultimately die' (not my words) if i go into the gym. I'm not dangerously underweight, so i don't understand what the problem is. My school nurse said it is the behaviour they wan't to change or something. Just be careful you don't do too much exercise in the gym, ok?, because that is the trap that i fell into.

It's really good that you are eating more :). Just try and make sure that you don't skip meals if you feel that you have eaten too much.

Adele - Thank you for your nice comment *hugs*. I know how cruel people can be, i experience it every day, and i sometimes think 'why can't i just be bitchy and gossip like they do?', but the thing is, i don't like talking about other people in a bad way, and i don't like prying into other people's private matters. I think i have something wrong with me, because i don't get jokes and i can't think of things to say when people are talking. That has been worrying me for a while.

Hope you're both okay,

-xxx- lillies

Hey, Sixth form is ok. It's a lot of work because i'm doing 5 subjects but there we go! Im the worlds worst procrastinator and just never work, that part of me annoys me too!

Well i'm not underweight at all and people don't know about this, so really, im just going to keep fit. kind of. I mean honestly, ive been doing really well so i do just want to get fit in a healthy way. Yea its definately the mind set that needs to change, you can be forced to get better but you have to think the way you need to to get there. I'll be careful :)

I hope you're both ok, and lillies i hope school isnt being too bad, people like that just aren't worth your time :) Take care guys

xXx Berny xXx

Lillies. That's one of the nicest and most sensible things I've heard u say since I joined. I'm so proud and so pleased that in spite of everything u don't want to gossip about ppl and to be *. There is nothing worse that some1 who is 2 faced and I'm really glad that u won't stoop to that level. :) Big smiles.

School is right I reckon, it is the mindset and the routine that needs breaking tho' I reckon moderation sld be ok. If u feel bad about the gym situation and the school feels u r ok, maybe u cld suggest some middle ground or sth wiv/wivout supervision. If you're sensible wiv that then mayb ppl will see that it's a health thing, just to keep fit. Or find the strength 2 eat sth small,* or whateva afterwards or b4, whateva. I'm sure that if u approach the situation in the right way. a compromise may be available.

Berny, 5 subjects. Massive respect to you. I only did 4 and that was a mission but I did find my subjects really interesting. What r ur uni plans?? R u going to visit any soon?

Im only first year of sizxth for at the moment, so I have NO idea about what im going to do or where im going to do to study what?!!!

I have no ambitions at all!!

I hope you're all ok, keep me posted.

take care

xXx Berny xXx

Hi,

How are you both?

Berny - I'm glad that you are getting better *hugs*. I wasn't trying to lecture you or anything about the gym, i was just worried about you, but i'm okay now :) How is the work in sixth form going?

Adele - Thanks for that comment about me saying something nice :). I do try not to talk about other people, because i just don't see the point in it, and i know how horrible it is. How is the horse-riding going?

Things at home aren't good at the moment. Everyone keeps arguing (again), and i am sick of pretending to be happy all the time, and when i stopped the happy act, my mum looked at me and went 'whats wrong?'. I feel in need of a rant.

School work is getting on top of me, and i have left my coursework at school, so i am kind of in trouble. :(

hope you're both okay,

-xxx- lillies