Hiya...im new!

Hey there Gem!

I'm Molly and I'm 16. How old are you sweetheart?

It sound to me like because of your anorexia and everything, you binging is the result of starvation.

I get like you sometimes. I've battled anorexia for 3 years and now even though I am at a good, healthy weight, I end up eating too much sometimes. I know that I'm not even hungry, but somehow, I've still got to eat. My weight has not increased dramatically, but has still increase none the less.

With you being underweight, people are going to assume that you're eating because you need to in order to gain. But what you need to say to your mum or dad or friends, is that you need help. Whether its not eating or over eating, your eating patterns are not normal and support from others will help you alot.

When I was referred, I saw a counsellor, psycologist and dietitian once a week for 2 years. I've recently been discharged from them and now have a review session every 6 months. Talking to them was great (even though I refused to speak for the first couple of weeks!) and now I feel that every 6 months is not enough. But you know, we've got to move on and out all this behind us!

Anyway enough about me. You, hunny, can get any support or help from me and everyone else on the board.

Have you been to the dietitan/counsellor yet?

Let me know sweetie!

Love Molly xXx

thank u very much for ur reply, it made me feel so much better as i've really been having a difficult day today.

im 18, wel im going to be 19 in a couple of weeks.

Yeh my mum has been great about it all and she seems to understand a lot and gives me as much support as she can and she says that the binging is a result of me "abusing my body for so long" and it is my body sayin "yay food!" and all that....lol

she says that my weight will balance out and once i get my periods back she will start letting me do light exercise cuz the dietition told me i wasnt allowed 2 exercise since my periods have stopped so she is tryin 2 help and says it wil take time but it is takin 2 long! ino that its goin to be a long haul but the weight goin on in the period of time is too stressful!

yeh i have been to group dietery meetings which went on every wed for  weeks and i am on the waiting list for other things.

Thank u for replyin to me it means so much! i hope ur ok!

Love Gemz xxx

Hi Gem,

Don't worry, I've had that talk aswell from my mum. I guess you just have to listen to them, because they know best (or so they think).

What she says is true. Your weight will eventually balance itself out. I know that not exercising is hard because all you think about is how many calories you're consuming and then not buring them off and then there's that fear of becoming majorly overweight, which is what you were trying to avoid in the first place. But don't worry about it (which is easier said than done!) - I've told many people on here that gaining the weight is so much harder than losing it.

How are your meetings going? And how are you doing today?

I've had an okay day thanks. Not much happened, but magaged to eat rather well. I hope you can do the same!

Love Molly xXx

yeh i guess so.

the problem is that i was underweight (or so i got told by lyk everyone) but now because of everythin i am eatin i hav gone up 2 higher and fatter than i was before this even all started and i want to go back to what i was but i cant get to that while still eating healthily and i know its rong to be thinkin tht and i ges tht is why i am "ill" as ppl say but i cant get tht thots out of my head! grrr uh its so annoyin!!!!!!!! anyway thts my rant for the day lol

wel my group meetings jst finished this week as they were only on for 6 wks but my mum said she is goin 2 fone to see where i am on the waiting list as it is taking so long but apparently where i am from someone has left to have a baby so they are struggling to keep up or somethin :S

today still not 2 gd as since the i broke my cycle of eating my 3 meals i have been basically binging all day so i am back to square one! by the time i get my appointment through i'm goin 2 be gettin it 4 bein overweight at this rate!!! uh!!! grrrrrrr

glad u had an okay day! hope today has been good 4 u as well!!!

Love Gemz xxxx

oops never ment 2 post that 3 times...sorry :S

not quite got the hang of this yet :L

Hi Gem,

Sorry your having such bad time. I don't mind listening to your rants either! I love trying to support others and I am always here if you need someone to have a rant to!!

You need to talk to someone soon sweetie. You binging looks to becoming a bigger problem than it already is. Have you had a meal plan designed for you at all? I've read that a few people have had one and it makes them feel fuller and less likely to binge. I don't know, its just a suggestion.

What about doing something that takes your mind off wanting to binge? I know that it is easier said than done because all you can think about is food when you are trying not to. Or maybe if you get the urge, why not try something healthy?

You seem very mixed up emotion-wise in your last post!

How has today been? Are you doing any better?

Love Mol xXx

yeh i no...i have just spoken to my mum saying that i cant handle it all anymore and that i cant stop eating and that im heavier than i was when i stopped eating in the first place and that i cant cope with all the fat!

I started eating agen because my mum had taken on a full time job so i hardly got to see her so she started taking me and my sister out for dinner quite alot resulting in food being involved but because i was spending time with her i began enjoyin going out and food wasnt SO scary...i mean the calories were and stuff but i managed to convince myself that meals out didnt count cuz it was stil jst my one meal of the day!

then i got scared at the nutrition groups i told u about and since then its just been eat, eat ,eat and i am sick fed up of my mum and other people tellin me it wil slow down n i will manage to stay at just 3 meals a day rather than the amount i am eating cuz clearly it isnt working!

i dont want 2 eat anymore but then i get reminded that when i do eat agen it will all start back to square one! i really dont no how much more i can take!

my mum has told me to phone my gp on monday and make an appointment but im scared to cuz i hav barely left the house since all the weight has gone on and i am scared 4 people to see me this disgusting again and also what if i look like an attention seeker or she thinks im stupid cuz everyone thinks im better because i eat now but they dont no the pain i am going thru and what if she jst thinks 'o wel shes eating so theres no prob here and i feel lyk im wasting time"

i am so screwed up ryt now! and i think i may hav just started my periods after months which is good but it also shows how much  has gone back on grrr but i ges if it is my periods then tht is possibly why i feel so emotional altho i quite often feel like this!

can i jst say that i am so grateful at how u r bein with me, i dont want to put all this on people so pls jst ignore my post if u dnt want 2 answer cuz i no wot its lyk tryin 2 help others with problems when u hav ur own! how are you doing anyway?

your amazing and i admire you so much for being so helpful and  knowing that i can cum on here and somebody actually understands wot im feelin makes it tht little bit easier!

Thank u so much molly!

Love Gemz

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Hello sweetheart!

Sorry for the late reply, I've been working so much and I am just exhausted! Hope you don't mind!

I am so sorry that you are having a bit of a miserable time. I know that it seems like nobody understands you, especially as they all think you are better now you eat. I have that problem too. I don't mind if I'm with people who don't know I've had an ED, but it's the people who do know that matter to me. School is where I struggle the most as everyone knows that I've had an ED. I feel weird when I am sitting at the dinner table and eating my lunch with them, like a normal person. Sometimes, I feel that my ED has been such a big part of my life that I don't want to let it go and that I don't want to be "normal". Usually I go downtown with a friend at lunch so I don't eat at the dinner hall anyway. I like it better that way.

I know that it may seem like you've gained an enormous amount of weight, but its probably the anorexia meddling with your emotions again. As for the return of your periods, mine have return recently too. I hate them when they come, but miss them when they are gone. But I feel better now knowing that they are here because at least that is one more step towards recovery and fighting the ED. And you're probably all emotional because of your period and also the hormone imbalance that an ED causes.

Hunny, I am here to help people like you. I am closer to recovery than you, so why shouldn't I try and help you get to where I am? I can see the positive sides of recovery and I am here to spread the word. Yes, I have prblems of my own, but nothing that can't be taken care of. Anyway, talking to you aswell whether you're happy or sad helps me focus on other things other than my problems!!

If you want to ask me anything (and I mean anything!!) go ahead! I want to help you sweetie.

I am doing ok today thanks! Looking forward to going back to school, but thats another weeks away. How are you? What have you been up to?

Please post and keep my updated!

Lots of love and support,

Molly xXx

its ok...no need to apologise! :D

Like you i don't mind eating in front of people that dont know about my ED but like my family, friends and people i know know makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward and weird. also like you sitting at the dinner table and eating with people, like a normal person,makes me feel bad and wrong as i feel i should be the one that "doesnt eat" as i have been used to that way for such a long time and too, as you said I feel my ED has been such a big part of me that I don't want to give it up or let it go and I don't want to be "normal".

i have had Another bad day today. i got up in the morning and none of my clothes fit so i am back to wearing my bigger, baggy t-shirts and bigger sized trousers.... however, i havent eaten anythin since my dinner which is a big step for me as this is usually when i binge but im just worried about how long this will last and im so worried because i dont want to eat again tomorrow but that will put me back to square one and then the binging will happen again. so i have to force myself to eat tomorrow...i just hope i can stop once i have a decent amount and not carry on :S

& somebody else has just told me tonight that "it wil all balance out". if one more person says that to me i think i may actually scream...cuz it doesnt seem to be working...are they just lying to me so that i continue to eat? cuz thats what it feels like.

glad you are doing ok!!! yeh my sister is on her holidays as well with one week left and she has been brilliant at occupying me and taking my mind off food so im dreading her going back and me being all on my own again for most of the day. she has a week to go as well.have you been up to anything exciting in your holidays?

i havent been up to much, its been kinda hard getting myself out of the house again so i have kinda just stayed home although since i HAVE got my periods back (yay but ugh! lol) i have been walking alot so hopefully that will help get my weight down again and im gonna start getting back on my bike and doing it the sensible, active way rather than stop eating altogether again.

Thanks for your kind message once again!!! :D Im here for you as well if theres anything i can do

Lots of Love

Gemz xxx

p.s sorry that these are quite long :L i seem to ramble on a bit and once i start typing it all jst tends to come out  lol

xxx

Hello Gem!

I am so sorry that you are haing such a rotten time. You sound really down and miserable. I really wish there was something I could do to help you. The only thing I can do is offer my greatest support and help to you so you too can get better. You deserve to be happy. Everyone on this board derserves to be happy!! We do not need these illnesses robbing us of our happy years!!

I am pleased that you managed to control your binging last night. How did you do that? Like you said though, you must eat tomorrow otherwise you will end up binging again and then you will feel like you've failed. You've got to keep positive!!!

I haven't been up to anything major... working every other day just to keep myself occupied. I really wish better things to do with my time as I feel as though I've wasted most of my holiday. I know I should be revising for my exams, but I just don't want to and can't focus even when I try.

Its good that you've realised the sensible way to keep healthy. If you keep thinking like that, then you will be able to beat this and live a really happy life!

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love!!

Mols xXx

ps. Its okay! I guess its like word vomit  (Mean Girls!!)

Hiya!

firstly i jst wanna say that coming on here and talking to you has really been making me feel so much better about things, even just knowing that someone understands and feels the same way, and when im having bad days, which seem to be quite alot lately, knowing i can cum on here and get it al out is a major help so thank you so so so so much!!! xxx

i dont know how i managed to control it to be honest. i was sitting in my room and i couldnt stop crying because i felt so miserable and fat and all the rest and usually this is what makes me binge because i think "i have no control anymore so whats the point in trying" so i eat and eat and eat but i was so sad that i just couldnt go near food...i felt literally sick. and then i thought while im feeling like this i will go to bed to save me changing my mind!

although, as stupid as i clearly am, i never listened to my own advice and thought "yes i can go without food again" and skipped meals till dinner and then binged again! so now i really do understand that it by skipping my meals i am not allowing myself to let myself get better as its back to the circle.

o exam time...i remember the days! im sure u'l do fine! yeh i no its difficult to concentrate wen u have on ur mind all this stuff, i had to leave uni becuz i just couldnt take everything in cuz i was thinkin of all this other 'stuff' during all of my lectures. all the best of luck with ur exams though!!!

how are you getin on lately?

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love

Gemz

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o yeh in Mean girls - aha so funny!! lol

You must have replied to my post pretty soon after I sent it. lol. I only posted it 3 hours ago!!

I've just got back from the gym. I haven't been in over a week and I was feeling a big sluggish, but now I feel better. I weigh myself there and I was pleased to find that I've managed to maintain! I guess this is good news, but the anorexia always tells you otherwise! I've blocked it out tonight and praised myself for managing to maintain it!!

Good work on thinking rationally  Skipping meals is not the way forward and you won't be able to recover like that! You're on the right lines hunny!!

Yes, exams indeed... I cannot stand them. I took some revision to the gym with me... french speaking questions which I've got to learn off by heart. So far I've learned 1 topic and I've got 6 to learn. Ugh.

I'm not having to bad a day thank you sweetheart! I've eaten well today - things I like and feel confident eating! Me and mum have got on well today too! Sometimes we argue, but not so much anymore. I don't like to argue with her because if I make a fuss about food, she says to me "I want you weighed... you are looking thin again" but thankfully I've gained which shut her up!! Hehe.

How has your day been?

Post back!

Love Mols xXx

well done on ur trip to the gym and for managing to praise yourself and block it out, i wish i could block it out...i manage the 'praise' thing but rather than forget about it i get really guilty still.

o i had to do the same with german...its ridiculous how much they expect u 2 know off by heart although i was surprised at how much i could actually remember when it came to the time...it was alot easier than i expected!

thats really good about your day and well done!

my day started off really well...my mum took me and my younger sister into town for some shopping and i had bfast and she took us out for lunch and it was going fine. then when shopping i decided i wouldnt try anything on in the shops as i would just get in a bad mood and spoil a nice day out

however, when i got home i tried everything on and lost it!

i sat in my room and cried and cried rather than tell my mum cuz i didnt want her to see how low i felt AGAIN but my sister came in and went and told mum i was crying and she tried to help but i ended up taking it out on her saying "you promised me that my weight would shoot up but then go down and you lied" so she said "oryt so are you blaming me?" i explained that i wasnt but that i just dont understand why it is taking so long and how heavy and fatter its going to make me before it gets into a routine and balance out!

so now im feeling all depressed again so mum said to phone the number to find out about my appointment but i am useless on a phone, i really hate speaking on the phone so im a bit scared to, also i still feel as though they will think i am wasting their time when other patients need it since im fat and not underweight like most of the others.

Speak Soon

Love Gemz xxxxx

Hey sweetie.

I'm sorry you had such a miserable day... well, afternoon... its sounds like your morning was perfect!!

I know you probably didn't mean to take it out on your mum, I've done it too!!! Sometimes everything just gets too much and you end up taking it out on the nearest person!! (which is usually mum!) I've shouted at many people because my ED gets me down... mum, dad, doctors... my therapist... even my teacher!! I would say (without being big-headed or anything) that I am usually a calm and really well mannered person, its just when people want me to do things I don't want to do or something or someone digs away at me all the time I just lose it. Everybody does hunny, so don't worry about it. Your mum will understand - not what you're going through, but why you are upset.

You know, I hate speaking on the phone too! Especially if is to someone I don't know, like if I have to answer the phone at work or book a hair appoinment (which mum takes great pleasure in making me do!!) I don't know why but I get scared too! Its a weird phobia really!!

I'm sure that you will not be classed as a time waster. The doctor will see immeadiately how upset you are even if you are not underweight. Normal, healthy people do not cry all the time even when they gain weight. I promise you that someone will help you beat this. I have my fingers and my toes crossed for you in hope that you will get better!!

Post a reply and tell me how you are feeling.

Lots of love

Mols xXx

hey sweetheart,

only just found your post. it sounds exactly like what I went through!!

I starved myself until I was underweight, but now don't seem to be able to stop bingeing, and then starving myself and so the cycle goes on lol.

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi

sorry i took so long to reply! jst not been in the mood to speak...you'll know how it is!

well i guess i have some good and some bad news....ill start with the bad news first...

i have gotten so down over the past wee while knowing i have absolutely no control and that i will NEVER get anywhere near the weight i want to be so i, without thinking as i was so upset, that i self harmed...stupid yes i know and i cant believe i actually did it but i was so upset and couldnt take it anymore, so yes another thing to try keep hidden!!!  however, good has come out of this as i got really scared about my state of mind and how im feeling about the weight and food in general that i went onto the online 1-2-1 support thing and they have spoken to me and given me the confidence, well some at least, to contact my doctor and speak to her and try to get everything sorted out, so i am going to phone tomorrow as i am finally in my mind that it all needs delt with so i am rather happy in a wierd turn around way! i just hope it is going to get my mind sorted to think happy all the time and forget about how fat i am and how much i weigh and all of that! so wish me luck for phoning! :D

on this happy note, i havent binged tonight, as of yet, i have had quite a bad DAY of binging but hopefuly now i can relax at night. im also hoping that now that my sister is back at school i will be going to bed a a resonable time rather than stayn up till all hours of the nyt with her and on my computer :L as i think this triggers my binging as its so long since i had tea and i begin to crave things. i can now try to get into a routine.

how are you doing? are you still on holiday? been up to much? exam revision gettin any easier?

spk soon

Lots of Love

Gemz

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p.s soz its quite long again lol xxxx

Hey there Gem!

I'm am sorry to hear you've had a bad week sweetheart, especially with you self harming and everything. It was not a stupid thing to do, you must have been so low and depressed, but I'm glad that you saw the positive side of things and found the confidence to ring your doctor after the talk to those online. I wish you the best of luck and support, hunny!! Please keep me informed on how you are doing!!

Well done on not having binged so far tonight!!! I am really pleased for you! Yes, try and get to bed at a reasonable time to prevent yourself from craving and binging!!! I like to lie in bed and listen to music or the radio - that usually prevents my mind from wondering and thinging about food all the time!!

I'm not too bad thanks! At the time of writing this, I've got a blocked nose and sore throat. I felt terrible when I came home from school today. I went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. I feel a little better now - I don't have a headache anymore. I think its just a common cold though. I need to go to school tomorrow as revision is beginning in all the lessons. I don't want to get behind!!! Today was our first day back after 2 looooooong weeks. I've only got 4 weeks left of school until study leave, so I'm counting down the days!!! Very excited!!! But nervous about the exams  I feel as though I didn't do much these holidays. This weekend just gone was rather busy, I must say. I worked Thursday, Friday and Saturday and then had my driving lesson on Sunday. Hows things going with you? Not well I gather, but tell me about some of the positive things in your life!! I will tell you mine next time!!!

Lots of love darling!

Mols xXx

Are you back at school yet?

Hiya Lexy, sorry i just got your message after i had sent my reply to molly,

when you say "went" do you mean that the cycle isnt happening to you anymore or???  let me know how you are doing? and does it get better and easier? cuz apparently it does but thats only what the doctors and dietitions and family have said told me, but they havnt been there so i dont actually feel as though what they are saying is true! :S

take care as well :D

Gemz xxx

hiya molly!!! :D

wel i did eventually phone the doctor, all though i sat with the number in front of me practically most of the day until i plucked up the courage but finally i did it :D got an appointment for friday so i will let u know how it goes!

how are you doing? feeling any better? there seems to be quite alot of that going about...i hope u feel better soon...esp since ur not wanting 2 miss skl since u have revision 4 exams...worst time 2 get ill ay, typical it couldnt have come in the hols...it waits till you go back! annoying!

what you planning on doing after this year at school? stayin on or leaving?

i am finished school, did all my years and then went to uni but i left as it wasnt the course i wanted to do and also as i had no energy or concentration to continue doing it at the time but i have just been excepted to go to college in aug to do a course i have more interest in so im jst working and spending time with my granda till then. lol

Lots of Love!

Gemz

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hey sweetheart,

no worries!

am still going through it unfortunately and today has been one of the worst days I have had in a long time, so I'm really sorr this is such a short post sweetheart.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Evening sweetheart!!

I'm so proud of you! Well done on getting the appointment - maybe this could be the start of your recovery. Yes, please keep me informed of how it goes - best of luck!!

I felt worse when I got up this morning so I took the day off school. I really wanted to go in, but my nose wouldn't stop running and my head was thumping and all my joints were so sore! I know I'll have some catching up to do tomorrow - hopefully I'll be well enough! I haven't done much today at all - just sat in bed with my computer which has resulted in me unfortunately not eating an awful lot. I know that I had to keep my strengths up, but ana kept telling me that I was doing nothing to burn it off. I did eat today, but not a lot. Also my throat is very sore which make it hard to swallow, so that was another problem. Anyway... I am feeling a little better now! My joints are still aching, but my headache has gone. I really want to go back to school tomorrow!!

I don't plan to stay on at school and do 6th form. Instead I've applied to the college here where I live for a 2 year course in art and design. I am more creative that academic you see. There will be interviews soon. I hope I get in so much! I don't have an alternative plan, so I may end up a bit screwed to be honest. Fingers crossed, eh!?

What course did you leave from university? What did you really want to do? What do you work as now then? Slight question overload, but I am interested!! I know what you mean about concertraion problems and everything, but thankfully I managed to regain focus during the last 2 GCSE years. The main part of my anorexia happened when I was in Year 9 and I just could not find the ability to focus either. \i hope you find the determination to concentrate when you start back at college!!

How you are doing well  

Lots of love,

Mols xXx

Hi Guys!

sorry lexy that you have had a really bad day.  Hope 2day has been better, let me know how you are doing! :D

Molly, thanks, i am proud of myself aswell 4 havin the guts although i am still anxious about going and i hope i can bring myself to tell her as i am scared she thinks im over-reacting and doesnt feel there is a problem, see i never saw her when i was as underweight as i got to so she myt not believe i got so bad and then she wont understand how much i have gone the other way and i dont really know what to expect, what if she just says, well that i am being pathetic and looking for a problem because i really dont think i am, i still feel completely screwed up in my head and i am really scared to go now :S

aww babes, i hope u feel better soon then, sounds like u must really be feeling awful!!! lots of bed rest will be good to get u feeling better!

that sounds fun, good luck then and i hope u get in!!! :D:D:D

i was doing social work as i wanted to work with children in some way like in a nursery or something but my guidance teacher told me it wasnt good enough and without me having any say in the matter, she decided social work would be good for me, i cant even deal with my own problems let alone attempt to get involved with others and the sorta stuff they have to face. now i am going with my first instinct and am going to do a year course in 'early education and childcare'. its good cuz its only a year course so if after the year is up i decide to change what i wanna do then i havent wasted too much time on a course. and also if i do want 2 continue in this area it can lead to a number of other advancing courses or job opportunities!so hopefully it'll be good. fingers crossed! :D

today has gone quite well...so far, managed to eat healthy meals without the binging in between. hopefully i can keep it up!!!  my dance class that i go to starts up again tonight since the hols so i have that to look forward to and getting back to some exercise will make me feel good i think! :D but im worried cuz i hadnt been going for a bit before the hols so this is the first time everyone will see me since i was underweight and at my lowest so i am really scared that they will all start talking about me since it is the first time they will c me with all the weight back on and i dont feel good about that...i'm actually really nervous! and also in case anyone sees my arm :( i hav a watch that should cover it but i cant risk them seeing cuz my sis goes to it as well and they will tell her or she will hear! :S:S:S

soz 4 the rambled moan again! lol

hope ur both doin ok!!! :D

Lots and Lots of Love

Gemz xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

how did your dance class go?? hope you enjoyed it!!

I haven't had a day that I haven't binged in ages, but haven't been eating normal meals because of it.

I know what you mean about feeling as though you should be really underweight to deserve the help,but it is a mental illness and affects people of all different shapes and sizes.

I just want to burst into tears. one of my friends knows someone that has just gone into the clinic that I was going to go into and seeing how upset she was really struck a chord with me and I just want to go back and start my life again.

all I can think about is how being thin again will make things better. I feel so disgusting at the moment. I'm going on a meal plan as of saturday and I don't want to. someone has to be with me at all meals and I just want to be left alone to be honest.

sorry this was such a depressing post sweetheart,

let me know how you are doing,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

the actual dance part was good and i felt so good doing exercise again! :D however, a couple people came over to me and were like "gemma you look well different for some reason" and although they werent saying what the reason was i myself knew and this kinda put me down as although i had told myself that they would be like that i hadnt actaully prepared myself for hearing someone else say it.

aww that sounds awful about your friend and i totally get what your saying about how being thin again will make things better, i feel very much like this all the time and it is so hard knowing i cannot get to what i want to be!

ino what you mean about your meal plan and people having to be with you, somedays i want my mum to be with me when i eat because then i know i will actually eat it although sometimes i dont want her to be cuz i dont want to eat or for the opposite, that i feel embarrassed by the huge quantity i eat. it will take time for you to feel confident about eating with others, or so i get told. time thats the solution for everything and i hate it!!!!!!

ok well i went to the doctor today, and omg she is soooooo nice, i mean i have seen her heaps before because of it but since i was so worried about it it was such a relief when i remember how nice she is. i wrote everything down as i knew i couldnt tell her so she read it and she was like totally understanding everything i was telling her. i had written down how i "feel stupid, weak and pathetic" and she was like "your none of those things. people with eds are actually very intelligent and it is their way of taking control of their life" and she said that me cutting my wrist was because i feel i have no control over my weight anymore so i've found another way to then control the feelings of guilt and all that. she asked me what my weight had gone up to and i told her and 'apparently' its normal, she showed me a bmi thing and my weight is bang smack in the middle of normal, but to me tis isnt good enough and i still feel extremely overweight and fat and disgusting!!!! :'(

she said we need to try push for more sessions at the clinic as she feels that i need more, this makes me feel slightly better as i didnt feel that i should deserve the help since im mega fat again!

she said though that apart from trying for more sessions there isnt much more she can do but that she would like me to go back and see her as she was happy i felt i could talk to her!

then she told me that i am "beautiful" and i kinda laughed in her face! what a joke, it really gets to me when people say that because i know its lies and they only say it to make me feel better grrrrr

wel she was saying alot of stuff so i cant really remember it all just now so if i remember anything else i will write it in my next post!

how are you both doing?

Take care!

Lots of Love

Gemz

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello Gem

I'm so glad you had a good visit to the GP. Writing it all down for her was a great way to tell her! Its nice when the nurse is nice, they are a lot more sympathetic. You get some who are like, "You've got to do this, this and this and just accept it." (my dietitian!) She's right though about people with ED's being intelligent (I'm not bigging myself up here or anything!) - but they are usually hard working, perfectionists who just want the best and nothing but!! That is me entirely!

I know it is hard to accept you are in the "normal/average" weight range when you want so bad to be below average. Was it a suprise to you that you were in there? Did you think you were going to be heavier? I know sweetie - if you're not underweight, you're not enough. But you are!!! You don't need to be something you're not! We have to learn to just accept ourselves and love ourselves for who we are, not how we look!

Good luck with the sessions though! I'm sure they will do you good!

I hate it so much when people say those sort of things! I never know what to say back, because in my head I'm thinking, "Liar, look at my stupid face and my stupid body. I'm not pretty at all." I hate the fact that I (very wrongly) study people very carefully to see if they have gained or lost a few pounds since I last met them! Its only because I compare myself to them though! I know you shouldn't, but I can't help thinking, she weighs the same as me, but how come shes got boobs, but I haven't?

I find it very akward when people compliment you. I never know how to reply.

I'm not too bad thanks - glad its Friday though!

Keep me updated sweetheart!

Lots of love,

Mols xXx

hey sweetheart,

so glad everything went well for you sweetie!!

I know what you mean about the weight sweetheart. my nurse was really pleased when she weighed me this morning, but I just hate the way I am at te moment. I feel like I NEED to be thinner.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

yeh it does help if they are nice, you feel more at ease speaking to them and i find myself telling her the truth whereas when i first was made to speak to someone at the clinic i completely lied about everything, yeh i told her that i was having issues with food, but i never completely opened up to her as although she was very nice, i found her to be more judgemental and i thought, if i say this then whats she gonna say or think and it made me feel ashamed and embarrassed to open up whereas to my doctor i feel she really listens to ME and my feelings about weight/food and not to what im doing if that makes anysense.

yeh it is incredibly hard to accept that i am normal weight, yeh i was surprised, i thought i would have been a hell of a lot higher but even still i didnt seem to feel any relief, if anythin i just felt sick that i am that high up in normal, its still not where i want to be!!!!!!!

yeh im the same, i never know how to answer! i feel like shouting at them but i feel as though i cant let them see that i feel this way so i just get embarrassed. i the same look at everyone and see how thin they are and wish i was like that, or i'll look at someone i thought was once thin and think, i dont want to be as fat as that, not that they are probably even fat but i want to be thinner than that, i dont find it good enough if you know what i mean? i constantly have it on my mind and i am completely obsessed with it and im sick of it! when im at work,  i stand and watch everyone go past and judge whether that is good enough for me to be or if i want to be thinner than them, then i get all jealous and depressed!!! i dshouldnt be looking at them that way...im sick of it!!!!!

the doctor also told me i should give my mum the letter i wrote as she said sometimes when we speak to people we cant express ourselves how we really want to and that my letter gave her a great insight to how it is really affecting me so she said to give it to mum, but she said if i want i can take the bit out about self-harming so i am going to do that. i told my mum how i feel and i told her that "she is too busy being happy that im eating that she doesnt see that this is making me feel worse than when i never ate" she just said, "yeh i understand but im just glad your not going to conk out on me somewhere" so she really doesnt understand, as much as she trys bless her, but its so frustrating!!!!!!!!

are you feeling better since i last spoke 2 you? did you manage to get back to school? yeh i used to love friday finally arriving...problem is monday comes just as quickly :( lol

hope your doing fine! take care!

Lots of Love

Gemz xxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s sorry so long AGAIN! lol

Hey hey Gem x

How are you sweetie? Sorry for the late reply!

Yes, it is hard talking to unsympathetic people. I also lied a lot to some of the specailists, but only because I thought that if they had that attitude with me, then why should I bother to explain to them if they weren't going to listen much anyway.

Letters are a great way to tell people and explain to them how you feel if you just can't find the words. I guess that your mum didn't understand even with the letter, because she's never been through it. I've always had a hard time telling my mum how I'm feeling and what I feel like it... now I just don't bother.

Yes, thank you sweetie. I am feeling a lot better. Mum still won't let me go to the gym though until I am completely better. I feel very frustrated, but I know its not good to exercise when you are ill. I only had one day off school -  I can't afford to take time off as we are having lots of revision lessons at the moment for our GCSE's!! Ooooohhh nervy...

Anyway, let me know how you're keeping and hat you've been up to!

Lots of love

Mols xXx

hey guys,

I guess I don't really have the problem of my mum not understanding me as she has has an ed for many years now as well, and my stepmum was bulimic and still struggles with food, but hey.

mols - you'll do fab in your exams sweetheart!! I know what you mean though - my first exam is on monday and I am sooo scared lol!!!

gem - the letter sounds like a good idea sweetheart. you could always give it a try if you feel like it as I guess you can't really lose anything by giving it to her.

hope you're both okay sweethearts!!!

lots of hugs and big kisses,

lexy -xxx-

Hey Guys!

I actually dont know if i am going to be strong enough to get over this and all these feelings i am having. i still havnt given mum the letter, i have told her im going to but im just taking it in my own time. she says that i am probably going to feel like this (although hopefully not as bad ansd obsessive as i do in the meantime)  bless her, she really really does try to help and understand but i guess until you go through it you dont really ever understand!

wel the binge/starve cycle is still depressing me, i went through a period this week without a single thing to eat and then mum went and made me have food and there goes the binge. i also made myself sick the other day, which i had always promised myself i wouldnt do and now i am scared that this is going to carry on! grrr i know everyone keeps saying to kick the cycle is to even after a binge to eat regularly and it will all work out but as i have said before it is actually getting the routine to stick that is the hard part. after a binge how the hell do you say when feeling so fat "lets go have dinner". its so difficult!

also i was on the online 1-2-1 again and explained as much as i could, i tried phoning the helpline but hung up when they answered, i hate phonecalls anyways so knowing i would be speaking about stuff i dont like to as well just made it even worse! they told me i should speak to a trusted friend about how i am feeling and the self harm since i dont want to tell mum. but i am really ashamed, and i feel like such a burden to do this and a pain! everyone else i have spoken to about stuff in the past has walked away and turned their back on me, what if she does this aswell. i have spoken to her in the past about my ed and how i feel but at the time i had been drinking and i guess that gave me the confidence to start. i dont know how to approach the subject of talking to someone let alone tell them i make myself sick and cut my wrists! omg!!!! im so pathetic and weak!

on a happier note, its my birthday on friday! :D so looking forward to that, apart from going out on fri nyt with some of my old mates from skl and on sat im going bowling and dinner with my mum n sis and my mums new bf and his daughter. god the stress of what will fit me that i can wear...i think i will try find something tomorrow so that i am not depressed on my bday trying to find something as this always gets me down!!!

How you guys doing? Hope the revision is going well!!! and lexy good luck 4 monday...you'll do great!!!! :D

Take care both of you and spk soon!

Lots and lots of love

Gemz xxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

you are not pathetic sweetheart!!

I'm back in the cycle as well . I feel like crying right now but know that I have to put on a brave face unfortunately.

happy birthday for friday sweetheart!!! have you asked for anything nice?? how old you going to be??

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

sorry i havnt written in ages!!

wel i had a c*** birthday! (i was 19 btw) it was awful. i spent the whole day on my own cuz everyone was working so was like any normal day and then at night the plan was to go out for drinks with my mates but when i was getting ready i totally freaked out as NOTHING fits me and everything looks like a whale on me and i took a total tantrum and was crying and told my mum i wasnt going and fell out on everyone! my mum was really understanding and gave me something that would fit me. the size on the label freaked me out even more and i just cant win! it makes me soooooooooooooo miserable and the self harming continued! also i got kinda scared cuz i realised how much weight i have put on by the amount i was able to drink without being drunk as usually i wud have one drink i was lyk bluttered! however, on a cheerier note, on the saturday it was a much better day and although i felt totally self conscious and fat and disgusting i had a better time as we went bowling and it took my mind of off it. and it was quite funny because i was absolutely loosing by heaps at bowling until half way through i realised, get ready for this, i had been using the wrong fingers lmao...yeh what an idiot i am lol. so my score began gettin better lol. then we went home and watched "alivn and the chipmunks" :L so was good!

however, this week i have made myself sick every day, sometimes not be very successful but attempted all the same. i really dont want to go down this path but i can feel it gripping hold of me already and with the amount i eat i have to do something to get rid of it since i was lied to as it isnt balancing out. i dont care how much TIME they say it takes, it is tooooooo long so i give up. i am not eating today, i know its wrong but i just remember how hapy i was when i was thin and i want to go back their. i have screwed my life up completely and dissapointed everyone so i may as well be happy while doing it if that makes sense! at least if i dont eat then i dont have to get in the habbit of throwing it up! and if im thin i wil have my control back and wont be self harming because im so depressed! i cant be this fat and its still going up! :'( i just want to cry ALL the time!!!!!! although i bet mum will force me to eat at night and guess what, on will come the binge!

i plucked up the courage to tell her about making myself sick and she was really understanding and she has told me today to phone the clinic but im scared they will ask me anything or that they are like, you dont need your appointment desperately as people are, as i understand, worse than me as i am at what they call "healthy" weight but it isnt healthy. also the online 1-2-1 people told me to tel my neighbour about the self harm but the yesterday i was at her door and her daughter noticed it and goes "whats that scratches on your arm" and i got mega scared and was like "stop it" and i think i got quite deffensive and her mum  (the one i was told to speak to) was like "stop it" and then she never mentioned it even when it was just her and me so she obv doesnt care enough to ask so i am not going to burden her with it! so now i feel even more alone, stupid, pathetic and scared cuz now i fear she will mention it to my mum!

ryt im just going to go before i ramble on anymore, im sosososososososo sorry for this complete moan as usual. its all i seem to do!!! :(:(:(:( sorry!!!!!!

before i go though, how are you both? hope you are both ok, havent spoken to uz in a while! and lexy did u manage to get out of the cycle yet? and i know about the feeing like crying bit and having to smile and act like everything is fine but its so difficult sometimes! be strong i know you can fight the binge (even though i cant seem to!)

Take Care

Lots of Love

Gemz xxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear you are finding things so difficult *hugs*

you are not fat and disgusting sweetheart, but I know deep down you know that as I have felt exactly the same over the past few days and am still bingeing loads.

no need to apologise for the moan sweetheart. we all need to rant sometimes.

sorry this is such a short post but have just had my drama exam and am absolutely shattered.

take care,

lexy -xxx-