anyone wanna talk?

Hi, well done you for taking the courage to post. I too had a worry about posting, but the support is just amazing. When I was first diagnosed I didn't really accept it properly so just ignored it and things took a deeper route, when I really hit a low and was desperate for any help I could get, I found it really difficult to access what I needed as I was told I had atypical anorexia but was made to feel as if I wasn't unwell enough to warrant more intense treatment - now I am in recovery I can see this was my anorexic voice twisting things - but it made things spiral out of control a lot more rapidly. I think it was the perfectionism of my ed wanting to get things right, but also a sheer desperation for someone else to take control and care for myself when I really couldn't any more. Remember there is always a light at the end of every dark tunnel. I hope you can get the support you need x

Awh thanks for being nice twinkletoes! You're right, these forums are amazing. i've been referred to a specialist now so hopefully help coming soon. Did it help you to have someone else take control for a bit, fight the perfectionism? I don't really know anything about how they might treat me so i'm a bit scared, I hear really mixed things, what are your experiences? Just feeling totally desperate right now... bet you and everyone on here's felt the same at one point. Spending most of every day fighting with it and i'm so tired, cos it demands for me to get better and better every day at doing what it wants me to. The real me knows what "better " really means and it's not this. It means "well". Not "more obsessive."... sigh... ^_^

You say you're in recovery now, how you doing? I really hope you're feeling ok. Be strong. x

 thanks much for the optimism! It made my day. Love, ivy xx

That's great, I'm glad you've been referred and such a positive step for you to take! When I ended up as IP it definately helped to let someone else take control over caring for myself because I just couldn't and didn't know how. Perfectionism in a strange way also helped me through my admission because it made me so determined to break out of the cycle properly.

It's totally normal to feel scared, if this is your first time being referred and treated like it was for me it feels like heading into the unknown with a blindfold on. But I promise you it is so worth it! You need to use your determination and perfectionism to fight it at it's own game, but remember there is no "perfect" or right way of getting better, that's a big lesson I learnt, everyone is individual. I've had experience as an OP, DP (although I only lasted two days of this) and IP and I'm now back to outpatient treatment after seven months in hospital. From my experiences if you can do it as an outpatient, do it! But you have to be in the right place mentally and physically, but now I'm back to OP it is so much better to have the comforts of home life and seeing friends and family. Day patient isn't something I could manage because I was just too poorly but if you need the more intense support of a unit but without the limitations and being able to sleep in your own bed then it does work. Inpatient treatment was the best for me at the time because I couldn't look after myself and was an invaluable experience which I've learned so much from and gave me the motivation to want to get better and have a life.

I'm doing ok, I see someone once a week and am working really hard and although my mood is up and down like a yoyo, on the up days I am having longer periods of just being me rather than anorexia with Emma :) I can honestly say that recovery is worth it, living a life and being yourself is one of the best feelings! I hope things work out for you and you can get the treatment that you need, don't be afraid to tell them what you want, if something doesn't seem right, question it! Try and keep positive :)

Sending positive thoughts your way, love Emma xox

Hiya Emma,

Ha your message made me smile- I love the idea of just being you, not anorexia with you buried at the bottom somewhere. I hope you're still feeling positive too. It sounds like you've had a hard time, being in hospital for so long-  you must be so strong to have come out of it still thinking positive.

A lot's happened since I last posted, I went to see someone from camhs and she said they might have to send me in as an ip straight away to the hospital where my dad works, which would've been awful, cos my blood pressure was so weird. Luckily that didn't happen and now i'm getting outreach care, the team are lovely. My mum's been put totally in charge of all my food and i'm not really allowed out. I've eaten more in a day than i would usually in a week and it's so scary but i got such a shock yesterday-i didn't know how bad it had got- i really have resolve to get a bit healthier. But i'm so, so scared. ... :)

Anyway, my life seems to have completely changed suddenly. It feels so weird. But on the positive side I can feel my own voice in my head saying "yay! finally allowed food!" even as the anorexic one says "oh my god, you disgrace." So in a way i'm kinda enjoying the lack of control, the feeling of being actually entitled to eat.

Wow that was a long and fairly incoherent rant. As you can tell i'm pretty psyched- had huge scare. I wanna get better. i wanna be strong like you :)

Much love, ivy      xox xox xox keep telling me how you're doing my dear

Thanks lovely :) I'm still positive, we're all strong people, I think anyone battling with this is very courageous, so even in the dark times remember, you're the braver person :) I hope in some way my ramblings are of some support to you.

Sounds like it's been a frightening time and like it has given you that extra bit of motivation to fight this? I'm pleased that you didn't get admitted, has the blood pressure settled down a bit now? It's really positive that you've accepted the help and letting your mum take charge. Remember it won't be forever, as you start to heal you'll be able to take some control again but in a positive way.

Change is scary but remember it's a feeling and although it feels horrible right now, the feeling will pass. It's great that you are finding your voice, and as you continue it will only get stronger! You deserve health and nourishment, so you can live a full life! Don't let it tell you otherwise. Do you have things to do at home as distractions and things? I hope you feel a bit more secure nowthere are plans in place for your care :) Keep me updated, good or difficult I hope I can help.

I'm not too bad, feeling really nervous because I'm going to a friends birthday party today and I have never met any of her friends :S There's also the issue of not knowing what to have to eat as I'll be there for lunch and dinner and I'm still reliant on my meal plan. But I've worked with my therapist and set myself a challenge of having a bit of birthday *, and I really want to achieve that so I'm just going to try and take things as they come :)

Take care love, Em xoxoxoxox<3