hii

hey darling,

what ed do you have if you dont mind me asking and how long have you had it?

erm, i dont think i'l ever be happy about it but the only way iv managed to do it is by seeing a physciatrist and therapist and having people constantly watching me etc and even then it's still so so hard but it can be done and you just have to keep fighting and not give u[. but try talking to the teacher you confided in and see if she knows a doctor you can go and see rather than your family gp or something like maybe a drop-in clinic or do you have a councillor at your school?

keeping a food diary makes me eat less cause otherwise il look back and feel guilty but try planning what your gonna eat for the day and try and eat what youv said you will cause then you still feel in control if you get me.

but talking to a friend is probly the easiest option, my friends don't really understand and dont help me much cause iv put on weight now so they assume i must be better when really im still as bad as i ever was but managing to keep a stable weight just about, but yeh i only first came on here bout a week ago but is really helpful and you know theres someone here if youv ever had a bad day or need a chat.

hope your doing alright

x x x

thankyou :) Mainly anorexia, because to be honest, it makes me feel strong and good about myself when I'm hungry and I dont eat. Like I'm worth something if do that. But, also I often make myself sick, like if I have to eat for a family meal or something that i cant get out of. Or, if i just feel soo hungry and eat a bit and at the time its like "yeh im fine, i can eat " . but then like 20 minutes afterwards i feel mentally sick that I have done this and therefore puke it all up. Ive had it for about 6 months now, the last 2 months have been more strict. I think I will start to see a counsellor. I have been told about one specifically for ed's in my area so I will contact them. im nervous about going though, firstly incas my parents find out, and also .. what will it be like? what will we talk about? Whats your story? Are you recovering? Thanks for your message :) its things like that , that keep you going you know? take care xxxxxx

hello hun. i just thought i wouold say hey to you. my name is Rachel I'm 21 years old and ive been on the baords for a few months now. ive had issues with food since i was 14 but i cannot seem to own up the fact that i may hav an ed. im not sure why but i like to distance myself from it, which is utterly impossible because i think about food, fat and calorie contents everyday.

ive never kept a food dairy hun but differnt things work for different ppl so u may find it helpful. personally the idea of recording whati eat scares me but that does not mean it wont work for u.

as for putting weight on, one week i will be fine and the next week il punish myself for the food i ate th week before. all i can say is take each day as it comes. if you fancy something have it, dont depriev ur self of something because overwise ul have cravings for it. and if you do have something nice to eat dont punish urself over it if u feel bad the next day. just put it behind u and concentrate on the new day ur living.

the best thing u can do hun is not bottle it up and talk about it. my mum found out accidently and altho she can rele do my head in some days i think it was actually a good thing she found out because its someone else to talk to wen i cannot get on the boards and chat to u guys.

i hope u doin ok hun, keep strong and smilin and we are all here ready to listen if u wana chat

rachelxxx

thankyou how did you mum find out? I dont have a great relationship with my parents really and dont talk to them about anything, let alone my ed. I dont feel ready to put weight on now. Im not exactly 'happy' but im happier with my weight now. I dont know how to change my mind set.  Hope your doing alright and had a good day xxxxxxxxx

um well im not too good at talking to people so i didnt really stick at it.but i wish i had.im meant to be going to see my physciatrist on friday but im so so scared because going and talking to him means admitting theres something wrong.

well i developed anorexia just over a year ago but i already had depression before that so that made it alot worse and i ended up trying to kill myself..and they had to weigh me when i was admitted into hospital and had to start seeing a physiciatrist before they would let me out.but i couldnt admit to him i had a problem as i really couldnt admit to myself that i did and just blamed it on being depressed cause one of the symptoms is losing your appitite, but now i have but i dont know if i want help and im scared to talk to anyone else cause it just makes it real if you know what i mean.

but most people think im ok now cause i had to put on weight so i could get out of hospital but the only thing im managing to do is stay stable and eating is still such a problem for me and everday is a constant battle and unless im with anyone i skip meals etc but my mum cancelled my gym membership so i cant use the gym anymore so im not exercising much which is probly why im staying stable.im better than i was tho altho i can feel myself getting worse again cause iv started to b/p alot and s/h again which just makes me feel so rubbish and out of control so then i try and control my eating more to make myself feel better.

getting help is the best thing you can do, i wish i had accepted it when it was offered.but im too scared to actually ask for it now.

sorry if im rambling a bit..

whats school like for you?what year are you in?

x x x

im in year 12, its nice there, keeps me away from home which is a good thing for me cos possibly a reason this all started was cos my parents pressure me so much and my sister is like a perfect daughter and I havent exactly followed in her footsteps. I guess I was better at her than being thin, which was / still is the only thing i feel I can do. that, and running/ exercising. ... just had an argument with my mum.. she always says things like " ive given up with you... ... you used to be so nice.".... and how she's embarrassed of me. Thats why she cant possibly find out about my ed cos things would be so much worse. I always seem to accept that I just dont eat, and its fine until I see a woman eating with friends, and she doesnt care about what she's eating, how many calories are in it etc. but she looks great and most of all is happy. I wish I could have that. Thankyou all for being so nice Youve no idea how much it means to me xxxxxxx

yeh im in yr 12 too.did you do alright in your gcse's? what you taking this year?

i hate how parents expect so much from you and how they compare you to siblings and make it like a competition between us. i look up to my sister so much but she just never has time for me and makes me feel like im worthless which puts me down.and shes always been the pretty one whos always got a bf etc.

but yeh your mum does love you, my mum always says stuff like that to me but once in a while shel say sorry and tell me she doesnt mean it.doesnt make it hurt any less but you gotta keep reminding your self its not true. everyones good at something hun even if you may not have realised what it is yet. dyu run with a team or anything or just do it recreationally?

i know, cause iv been like this for so long now it just feels normal and not eating feels so rewarding and i think it makes me happy but obv im not. i wish i could just eat without having to worry about putting on weight, i would give anything jsut to be someone else.

have you got an appointment with that councillor yet? i dont know if im gonna go to my physc tomo, i know i wont be able to cope with the pressure of feeling like i have to talk and will just sit and cry so il just feel stupid.

x x

yer... this wednesday I'm meeting with the counsellor. She seemed really helpful in her email... should be ok... but Im scared cos i dont know what its gonna be like and I dont want her to just be like : "so how can I help you?" .... what do I say? You should go to your psych, it will be probably be helpful... even if you cant see it now. and really... its one of the only things you can do. I got weighed at school today and had lost since a few days ago. I couldnt help but feel a bit happy - you know when you feel your work has paid off. But I know I shouldnt be..... would I be happy if I found out I couldnt have children? I know it has to stop now.... so hopefully something will change soon.! I hope your all doing well.... tell me what your up to! Thank you so much for all your support :) all my love x

Ahh, well done! It is scary but it's her job and she's probly dealt with similar situations so she will understand.So just tell her you've not been eating properly and you just needed someone to talk to about it or something..

I didnt go to my physciatrist, dont really know why, i wouldntv talked about my eating tho anyway just about everything else so nevermind.

How come you had to get weighed? I could never weigh myself infront of someone id be so scared that theyd think i was fat or incase i weighed more than everyone :S . Its the ED telling you your happy so of course you will be, but it never lasts long cause once your at that weight you just want to get down to the next one :( .

Hope you have a good weekend..

X

thanks. yeh i went, she was nice...... but now shes made me a doctors appointment for tomorrow and she is coming with me which is cool.... im just really scared. What will the doctor think? ugh.! so terrifiedd!! You should go to your psychiatrist. Its bound to be a little bit helpful... Hows everything with you? Take care xXx

hey thats so good, well done.what did you say to her nd stuff?

thats really nice of her and it means that she can expalin stuff if you dont feel comfortable and just support you or what ever.. i know, thats what scares me, i just dont know how theyr gonna react or if theyl understand or just think im plain crazy or something although deep down i know that im not the only one and theyr gonna know what to do im just kinda giving myself excuses really.

yeah, im gonna find a new one i think-i just cant stand mine and i think thats kinda an important thing that you like and feel comfortable with who your talking to which i really dont.but even then i wouldnt wanna go probly but id feel more inclined to..iv just been feeling so bad lately and im getting worse and so even thinking about getting help is getting harder.

not been so good which is triggering my depression which triggers my ed and so it just gets worse and worse.

You doing better then?

Good luck tomo,

X

Im not really doing better.... as far as eating goes im exactly the same.... so far.. everyone ive seen has just referred me to someone else! I had the doctors today, she just referred me to the mental health people.. its so worrying... i dont feel mental! But at least its getting a bit sorted some time soon... hopefully. She keeps saying I should tell my parents but I really will not.. will just cause so much un-nesecary stress. You should really go.... even if your not even going to put on weight.... it will help you to think a bit more positively. Take care, xxxxxxxx

hey, at least youv taken the first step by talking to someone, which might not seem like alot but its the most important thing. and it will get sorted and you will beat it however long it takes as long as you keep fighting. yeh, you dont need to tell them if you feel you can do it on your own but im sure theyd want to be there for you so dont be afraid to ask them for help if you need it..

everyday i think right il go to the doctors today or will ring and make an appointment but then i forget or chicken out-im thinking about it tho so il get around to it soon i hope, feeling so out of control right now i know i need help, even as you said if its just to help me feel better

hey sweetie, I had a conselling session last week which was kinda helpful, and can recomend to anyone. seriously look into it :) I think im doing ok... mabye today anyway.... ive taken up * *! it takes me ages to eat them, and they arent exactly stodgy meals, but they are something, and to have a few for lunch is better than eating nothing at all. step up! BE BRAVE! and make the appointment. Its kinda like.... yeh you know your stong now cos you can not eat if you want , your strong enough to fight the urge to eat, so be strong enough to make the appointment! all my luck xxxx

hey hun just seeing how your doing? is the counselling going okay? im doing better than i was in the sense that im controlling my food now and managing not to b/p although that control is the voice telling me not to eat at all but i feel alot better than when i was binging.have kinda been talking to one of my friends about eating-she doesnt understand completely but i know shes always there if i need to talk to someone now.

Hope your doing alright,  XX

hey thankyou for your message :) its going better I think... Over the half term break I ate quite a bit as I thought I was fine and I was with my friends the whole time... but kind of the whole time I knew I was going to punnish myself the week after...so when I came back home to normal routine... I was just like I was before the holiday. The counselling is pretty good, it's not very specific to my eating but it feels good to just be able to say everything to that one person and get it off my chest. I have my appt. to see the specific eating adolescant mental health something or annother... which I'm kinda nervous about..... excitied too. It'll be interesting to see what they say... I can't help hoping it will be just like "here's this pill, take it, and everythin will be fine". And as much as I want to change.... I kinda dont. If my weight didn't bother me... then it would be fine... but it does..... so Im scared to put on weight and in that respect I dont want to go... cos that's what they'll expect me to do. A friend is going to come with me to that appointment which I feel better about because she might understand it a bit more..... she is supportive but like you say.... its like she doesnt really get it and kinda resents me for it. Glad your feeling a bit better..... one step at a time. You should really get the courage to go make an appointment! Its a bit of hope at least..... and you gotta have something to cling to otherwise its just like an endless misery. Go for it :) take care sweetie xxxxxxxxx

thats alright. well done, even if you did go back to normal at least you know you are able to eat a bit more even if its not 24/7 and just a few days at a time. you been to your ed appt yet? is good your friends going with you, cause yeh she might understand a bit more and is just extra support. havnt b/p in nrly 2weeks and feeling so much better for it, havnt been eating much tho nd fainted on monday in front of my mum so shes been a bit annoying but am feeling happier and right now iv decided thats more important than my ed because a few weeks ago i was on the verge of suicide and so just trying to concentrate on my depression right now.have been keeping busy so im not thinking about stuff so much. and im working xmas day so dont have to go thru the whole lunch rubbish :]]] . so overall am doing a lot better now, also have a psyc appt on the 7th jan which my mum booked for me, scared but finally i feel i might be making some progress rather than being stuck in this.

hope your still doing okay?              XXXX

heyy glad to hear your feeling happier!! you should have spoke on here when you felt really upset!! but yeah thats soo good, and well done :) keep going... cos your stepping closer and closer to recovery! and like you say... its feeling happy thats most important. Ive been quite good recently really.... not too bad at all. Although its been up and down...... i found out my best friend (the one i took with me to that appt.) slept with my ex who I still really like (and she knows that) so it was like wooooahhhh?! kinda got upset over that, though not to her face. Just annoying when she's so pretty and i just feel rubbish and really un-pretty :( but hey.... the eating is going ok.... i had that appt. was a bit useless tbh... they didnt really tell me much i didnt know... so im waiting for the next appt to come through... lots of love xxxxxxxxx p.s. im also working Christmas day! nearly triple pay! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey hun, dont know if youl get this but just thought i should give you a post and see how your doing seeing as its been a while? sorry i never replied to you, i disappeared till a couple of weeks ago, went through a bit of a bad patch, hope you get this nd things have been a bit better for you than they have for me!

XXX

All is quite well for me actually. I've met many times with these big doctor people and still see a counsellor weekly and get weighed weekly. I'm hoping that the weighing will stop in the next few weeks. In a way it didn't help at all as I was ok eating so long as I didn't know I was putting on weight. So the weighing each week just made me feel rubbish! Ive been eating quite a lot to be honest... and for a while it worried me... that I wouldn't be able to stop etc. Butt... this week when I went to get weighed - after a really healthy week of eating and moderate exercise... it was kinda like... ooo you can be healthy and not get fat. I haven't been on here in ages. Whats been happening with you? Hope your ok! and Thanks for being thoughtful xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well done  . happy to hear youv made so much progress. errrm, a lot of ups and downs but still where i was a few months ago ed wise, kept not going to my physc so theyv now signed me off so i cant go even if i need to but my depression hasn't been really bad for a couple of months now which is wierd because id forgotten what it was like to actually feel okay sometimes. i dropped out of college because it was all too much so was a huge weight off my shoulders which helped a lot and hopefully recovery isn't too far away now, im certainately closer than i was so im getting somewhere even if i havnt implemented anything yet..

keep going and hope everything keeps getting better :)  XXXXX

thanks :) and well done... and i know what you mean about forgetting that you actually feel ok... for me that was the first step... actually feeling happier....then you can make a rational decision about what your doing.. whereas when you feel really down... the ed just seems to be a positive thing... which is obviously not the case. Do you have counselling? That has helped me loads... i have no idea why either... but its just nice cos it feels like the counsellor actually cares and will always listen to what I have to say.... don't know about you... but thats something I dont really have otherwise. Be positive :) and let me know whats going on... especially if you feel like not coming on here.. you should.... cos it will always be better! lots of love xxxx

yeh, i can still feel it pulling me back in and obv im still up and down but whenever i get even slightly depressed now it leads to binging so im trying to keep myself busy and have been going out a bit more so thats good. Yeh i've thought about counselling many times and i do think it would help me but after my experience so far with the health services i dont really feel like trying it!i saw three different physchiatrists/physchologists and they all creeped me out a bit nd made me feel uncomfortable and like a complete nutter ha, but i guess you just have to find someone you click with before its ever gonna become effective. got a doctors appt. next monday though so wele see what happens.. anyway keep me posted on how your doing and if your ever struggling or need a few positive words then im always here,  x o x