im new and i need help.

Hi Mel!!!

Well done on admitting you have an ED and looking for the support! I'm willing to talk to you if you need someone to talk to!

I'm sorry to hear about your dad and your condition with your arm - things like that can have major effects on a person.

You are welcome to share anything you want with us! Nobody will judge you or reject you think of you as a failure - after all, admitting to having an ED is one of the hardest things to do.

You've obviously realised that what you do is not healthy, but there are so many other people here that share your problem, I'll sure you'll be able to find the help and support you need.

Have you told your mum? Or friend? Or teacher? I know that you said you are scared taht they will think you are exaggerating and making a big deal of it, but you can't do this by yourself. Does anyone know about your ED? Calling a helpline was a really good idea, but you need support closer to home. You can't just keep it buried and forgotten, even if you get a counseller to talk things over with, it's a start.

Hun, when it comes to recovering, you need the support of others - you can't do this on your own. At first, people may not understand - I know my mum certainly didn't, she believed it was something I was control - but if you talk to them and ask them to research it, they will unerstand more and be able to help you.

Little steps are the way forward. It will be hard and there will be times when you think "why bother?"  and it may take a while, but believe me, it's worth it!

If you need to speak to anyone, just drop me a post!!

broomi xXx

first of all i would like to say thank you so much for writting a reply i really apprieciate it. i understand that i do need help from the people who are close to me and i have tied a while a ago and they thought i were exagerating it and that i were fine. so thats why i have gone to the gp and decided to get help anyway. once i have pressional help as they call it and a diagnoses i will try again but im sure you have herd the exspression you cant teach the blind to see.

anyway how are you feeling? have you had similar problems if so do you have any other bits of advise i could use to start my recovery?

thanks again broomi for getting back to me, hope to here from you soon.

Hey hunny!!

I wanted to reply to you and I'm glad you appriecate it!

Thanks for your concern about me. I'm doing not so bad at the moment. I've battled anorexia for just over 4 years now and I've been in recovery for 3 of those years. Its been a long and hard fight, but I feel closer to recovery then relapse right now.

I finally finished my course with my counseller 2 months ago. I had to see her every month for 3 years. At first, I was reluctant to see her and I refused to see her, but I realised that I needed the help and wanted to get better. I was so miserable and I was making everyone else miserable too. There were a lot of arguments in my household where I was usually at the centre of them all and then it was my mum who finally took me to the doctors and there I was referred to hospital for having an ED. That was when I was 12 - it seems a long time ago now to be honest. But enought about me anyway!

I don't really know if I have any tips on recovering except - as I said before - to share your problem with someone. If you really don't get along with your family, then a teacher at school is always the next best option. Visiting your GP was a good idea, hopefully you will get the support you need soon. I wouldn't share it with your friends, unless you have a really close best friend as I wouln't want someone I love to have this on ther shoulders and go through this aswell. With a techer, they are old enought and mature enough to not get angry at you or frustrated with you. They will hopefully listen to you and offer advice. The school nurse is also a good bet. She would know a lot about this and thats who I told anyway. She told me to come and chat to her if I had any problems or was having a bad day. Let me know what you decide.

How old are you by the way? Sorry to be nosy!  And how are you feeling today? Give me a bell when your next online!

Love broomi xXx

this may sound silly but im not sure if this is the right way to reply to you broomi i couldnt find the right link but hopefully you'll read it.

how are you feeling today?  im doing ok i guess thanks for asking. i am 18 just, and i used to work full time but i got to a point not so long ago when i really couldnt face getting up, let alone go to work. so now i plan on going to college in sept i just gotto keep busy untill then because im finding it hard being alone in the day it seems i have nothing to take my mind of it, eccept for this site which i am finding really helpful.although i have had this ed for years i think, i have only recently accepted that i need help.

well done for doing so well to be in recovery and i just wish i will be saying the same someday too.

so are you still at school? in someways i wish i still were because i had some healthy relationships back then. i agree with you that telling your friends isnt the best idea. they arnt the most dependable people at times.

today has been ok i havnt binged at all and the last time i purged was about a week ago but i still have the thoughts that i have been really unhealthy and i keep telling myself i will eat less tomorrow. well im sure you are familiar with the cycle,

well i hope you are feeling ok. how has your day been?

I got you post :) I read flick through most of the posts, so I'll always find it!!

I'm not doing so bad today thank you. I've eaten alot of what I like today, so I can cope with that.

Yes, I am still in school. I've just turned 16 actually. I've only got 7 weeks left of school before I leave to go on study leave!!! Then, after the summer holidays, I plan to go to the college here and do a 2 year course in art and design. Just a bit about me there!

Whats new with you? Any news from the GP yet?

Well done on not binging and purging - I am supporting you all the way  I know its hard, but try and discorage yourself from thinking badly about yourself. Everytime you have negative thoughts, think to yourself, "I need to get better, I WANT to get better." You can beat your ED! If you are having a bad day, please sweetie, come and talk to me!

Speak soon! Love broomi xXx

hey sweetie,

well done in being able to accept that this is an illness, not a part of who you are, and thus allowing yourself to accept that you may need help. it takes a lot of courage hunni!!

I'm 17 and still at college, and have found that being there really does help take my mind off things, although it can be stressful at times and I can find the workload difficult to deal with sometimes, but then again it gives me something to distract me from thinking about food which is often a great help.

I have also found that friends may not always be the most dependable of people, however I have found a couple of friends who have been a great support to me throughout my illness.

am always here if you want to talk,

take care hunni ,

lexy -xxx-

p.s. sorry this is on two separate posts. pressed enter before I meant to on the last post lol

hi broomi thanks for replying again. im surprised but it really is helping to talk to the people on this site and it feels really good to be able to relate to you and have someone who has been threw it and who is doing really well in recovery. im proud of you.i really hope i will be saying the same too.

i still havnt herd anything from the gp as of yet and im tied of getting my hopes up every time the postman comes when im not really sure i want a referal. but i know i need one.

do you remember the first time you admited to yourself that you had a ED and all you wanted to do was make it go away well i feel like i am stuck in that desperate moment,

one day i will right to you with happy thoughts, i hope i dont get you down im just a little confused. but your advise really has made me feel better today. so if ya got anymore send it my way

enough about me. im glad you had a good day. i bet you cant wait untill you start college i know i couldnt. you get such independence, you'll love it,

do you have any plans for the summer hols. im kinda dreading them at the minute, everyone will be in there skimpy outfits and theres me at my heavyest yet. but i hope i will look healthy by then. and healthy to me mean losing about 2 stone i think i will be happy then.

let me know how you are doing. love mel xxx

thanks for replying to my post i really appreciated it.

so how are you? i hope you are doing ok. have you been on this site for long? if you dont mind me asking what type of ED do you have and hows your recovery going. as you prob read i havnt started mine yet so i just wondered how you took that first step. and what helps you when you have had a bad day. sorry about all the qs it just really helping me, being on this site with people who have similiar issues with food . it makes me feel less like a freak.

hows college going i know all the work can be hard i used to go college before i isolated myself too much and hated to leave home. but i plan to go back in september and start fresh. so for now i just keep researching my illness to keep me occupied but im not sure if its helping alot but i am learning new things all the time.

well i hope you get back to me if you can.

take care love mel xxx

the last post is for lexi sorry i thought i put it on there xxx

Evening Mel!

By the way, you can call me Molly - thats my real name.

I'm glad that you are finding some of the support you need here on the site. I find that even though I am doing quite well, it is still nice to talk to others who have been and are going through an ED. I feel that by posting on here, maybe I can help others to recover too!!

Its a shame about the referal - where I live is not in mainland England, but we have our own NHS here and nowhere near as many people with EDs as England - my referal to the hospital happened in the same doctors appointment which my mum had taken me to because she didn't know why I was losing weight. It was all very fast which was probably why it has only taken me 3 years to recover. I went to see a dietitian every week and had counselling every other week for nearly 3 years. Its good though that you've recognised that you need a referal, fingers crossed for you hunny!!

I do remember the first I admitted to having an ED. I didn't admit it until about 6 months into my recovery perio and even then I didn't want to believe it. But you know what they say, "Admitting you have a problem is the first step of recovery." It was my couseller who said to me, "Look, until you admit you have a problem, there's nothing we can do for you. Tell me how many other people you know think about food like you do." And of course I couldn't. I envied my friends for eating whatever they wanted without a care in the world, while I was sitting empty handed. Up until I admitted I had a problem, I refused to co-operate with anyone and refused to talk to the specialists. I'm not a moody, unco-operative teenager who refuses to talk to people (I am generally happy and cheerful and love to talk to everyone!!) but my ED made me like that. It was like I was an entirely different person and I hated it.

Do you admit you have an ED? If you do, then if you work with people who want to help you and if you want to get better, be happier etc. then you will fight this! And WIN!!!   

I honestly don't mind you writing to me and telling me how you are feeling -  I am here to offer the support and advice to others! If you are confused, talk to me! I will try and help you out, but I can only do my best!

I am really looking forward to college, but at the moment I'm not garenteed (sp?) a place there. I have an interview sometime between easter and summer... I am really nervous! I want to get in so badly as I have not got a back up plan.

My plans for the summer holidays consist mainly of exams in the first few weeks but then working, not working and somewhere in between worrying what my GCSE grades will be!! I'm off on study leave in 6 weeks time! I am very nervous about them. Did you do well in your GCSEs?

Hunny, don't worry about everyone in stupid skimpy outfits. you have an excuse for being the way you are and thats because you have an illness. I get sick of being jealous of people,but hopefully one day that will dissappear and I will be happy with myself! I hope you will be too!

Sorry for asking (and I hope this does not sound rude) but are you unhealthy because you are overweight or underweight? I guess because I have had anorexia, thats how I picture an ED. I cannot really imagine what it would be like to be bulimic or had BED.

Keep me updated on how you are doing sweetie!

Love Molly xXx

hey hunni,

tbh I'm not really sure what eating disorder I have. I lost a lot of weight and became quite underweight, but then binge ate and put a lot of weight back on so that I am now in the normal weight range, but go through periods of not wanting to eat at all and then bingeing for days on end.

I've not been doing great, but am getting there and am able to accept that I will have periods where things seem to be going great and other times when things are more difficult. recovery is not going be easy.

my recovery is very up and down, but I like my counsellor and my therapist is absolutely amazing!!! I am learning to like myself for who I am and am beginning to come to terms with the fact that my perfectionist personality is not always helpful lol.

I've been on this site for a few months and everyone on here is so supportive!!

hope you're okay sweetie?

let me know how things are going?

always here if you want to talk,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

By the sounds of it, most people are glad that they got help, so maybe not too far in the future I will pluck up the courage too! Like Mel, I told my Mum and two of my friends what was going on last year but they just thought I was exaggerating for attention, because I hadn't lost loads of weight or anything. So now nobody knows and I think that it is pointless telling anyone even though I want help. Hope you are all ok Hannah xxx

hey sweetie,

if you do really want help then keep pushing!!! you deserve it as much as anyone else, and unless you push people may not realise how things really feel for you hunni!

I really hope you manage to find the courage to get help hun as you really do deserve it!

stay strong and take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey hannah, i felt the same as you did and i tried to tell a few select people but they all said it wasnt true because im not ana thin, but it effects us the same. i have just got my referal threw and i have my first oppt on the 27th, so i really think you should do what i have done and go to your gp. forget what everyone else thinks because if they wont help you you can always help yourself. take care, im here to chat if you ever want too. love mel xxxx

hi, my friends have been really great about it they told me that just because i'm not dangerously under-weight it doesn't mean there's not a problem, and yeah it's true. it's a shame your friends don't realise it.

i was wondering, what happens if u go to the gp? because my friends and family are encouraging me to but i'm too scared. do they have to weigh you? because i am too scared to step on the scales. i refuse to get weighed, especailly infront of people. you can tell that i'm a healthy weight, so will they let me get a say in whether they weigh me? i suppose they have to respect my wishes right?

hmm yeah, what happens? because i'm also really bad at talking and explaining about this (from the experience of talking to my friends about it). i don't know what to do.

hope ur all ok

xx 

hey hunni,

the gp cannot make you do anything you don't want to do, and anything you say to them is completely confidential sweetie. they would most likely want to weigh you, but they cannot physically make you get on the scales if you really don't want to.

when I saw my gp we just talked about how I felt about myself and food etc.

hope you do find the courage hunni,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey i agree with lexi hun, it took me ages to go to the doctors and now ihave towait even longer for my referal.  the sooner you do it the better, nd dont be scared because at the end of the day they are being paid to help you. they cant make you do anything you dont want to. i hope you go and get the help you deserve. lv mel xxx

How are you sweetie?

I haven't spoken to you in agggges!!

How are things going with you? Any news on te GP yet?

Love Molly xXx

How are you sweetie?

I haven't spoken to you in agggges!!

How are things going with you? Any news on the GP yet?

Love Molly xXx

hey molly, im doing ok thank you, how are you? and i have my first appointment tomorrow morning so iam really nervous, but hope fully its uphill from here. ive missed talking to you. so what have you been up to. hows school? well reply when u can lv mel xoxoxox

Hey Mel, I know it might sound bad, but I have decided not to go to the doctors .  I don't know what I am going to do, but never mind. I would love to know more about all you guys. How old are you all? Pf course, you don't have to tell me though. Hope your appointment went ok Mel and I hope everyone is keeping strong, love Hannah xxx

hey mel

so glad things are going okay for you at the moment sweetheart.

let me know how your first appointment went hunni!! hope it went okay!!

hannah - hey sweetie,

I'm 17. am interested in anything to do with drama and music. have recently started enjoying doing things with friends again. still have days when I want to be left alone, but if I do manage to make myself get out then I tend to feel a lot better for it. how about you hunni?? what sort of things you interested in?

molly - hey hunni,

how are things going for you sweetie?? hope you're okay??

let me know how things are,

take care everyone,

lexy -xxx-

hey hannah. im sorry you havnt gone to the doctors but its your choice, but my doctor basically said i dont have an ed but i am on my way to getting one, even tho i binge and purge regularly and dont know how to stop, and said tht if i carry on my body will slowly die. and told me to eat three meals and exercise. like i didnt already know tht. so i guess i dont need help. ill just have to find my own way threw. owe and i am 19.how old r u? how are you feeling today? take care love mel xxx

Hey guys!

Mel -

Hello darling! How are you doing? I am doing ok thanks for asking! I got your post from yesterday today, so I guess you went to the doctors today. How was it? What did he/she say? It is totally normal for you to be nervous, but I hope all went well. Please keep me updated!

I've missed talking to you too! I have been off school this last week and will be next week as it is the easter holidays. Holidays I find are always hard, so I am working lots to keep myself busy and thinking too much about food. I really enjoy working, I have a really nice time and a good laugh with the rest of the workers! Is it your holidays too? What have you been up too?

Speak soon!! *hugs*

Lexy -

Hey there sweetie! Things are going pretty ok today thanks! How about you? Are you doing all right?

What have you been up to? Is it your holidays too?

Hugs and kisses (to both of you!)

Love Molly xXx

hey molly,

I'm feeling pretty drained today and have been a complete b**** to my mum =(

I don't feel like I'm doing all that great at all tbh, but I guess there are going to be days like that and I'vestill managed to go out and have done a load of washing and ironing for my mum, and even though I'm hiding in my room now its the first time I've isolated myself all day.

yeh it is my holidays - have been catching up with old friends and have been working which has been nice as I really enjoy my job. got quite a lot planned for next week and am just so tired. I've got friends over to watch a few films tomorrow night which should hopefully be good. how about you sweetheart? what have you been up to?

let me know how you are sweetie,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Lexy!!

Hello sweetheart! I'm sorry to hear your feeling a bit down. Why are you feeing drained? Don't worry about your mum, I'm sure she understands. Just tell her you need your own space every once in a while. Everyone needs space to just think and... breathe!!

How are you doing eating wise? Are you eating okay?? I think that taking a time to chill out in your room is good. I like to shut everyone out sometimes and just be me. I like to play my music and pretend I'm the only person in my world... even if its only for 10 minutes. It gives me time to think and be calm and refresh myself... I think I sound like a bit of a hippy don't I? Hehe.

I hope you are having a nice holiday! Working I find always takes my mind off food for a little while. Well, thats funny actually seeing as I have 2 jobs, both waitressing which means being arund food all the time! What job do you do? Do you enjoy it? I love working. I love just being busy, but mostly the money!

Don't be waring yourself out, ok sweetie? Being tired and trying to fight an ED do not go well together! You'll end up getting sick.

Take care too and drop me a post next time you're online!

Love Molly xXx

Hey Mel and Lexy, I am 14, I used to love shopping, but tend to go out less now, I like all the usual stuff really and have a bit of a love/hate relationship with *! I am feeling pretty bad at the moment, just want all of this to end, to go to sleep and never have to wake up again. I thought I would enjoy the Easter holidays, but it just means that my Mum is here to watch me eat breakfast and lunch, as well as dinner. Also, my Mum wont let me go out even when I want to. Hey Molly as well by the way, Hannah xxx

hey sweetheart!

I think I'm feeling drained as I've just tried to do a little too much lately tbh.

my eating is going terrible! I've started skipping some meals. =( I know it's wrong, but I just want to be smaller. I feel so disgusting at the moment.

hippies are good!! I often get told I act like a hippy/country girl (not quite sure how tbh, but hey!)

I work in a shop, and yeh I love it!! I used to have a waitressing job, but I really didn't like my boss - she made me cry and then had a go at me for crying!!

hope you're still okay sweetie!!!

keep in touch!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey sweetheart,

awwww sweetie!! sorry you are finding things so difficult right now!

I know that it is hard, but you can beat this sweetheart, and you can enjoy things such as shopping again!! it won't be easy but you can get there!!

let me know how you're doing sweetie!!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey Hannah,

How are you sweetie? I feel the same way about holidays as you do too! My mum is always like "Lets go out for lunch" and I panic as we all do. I'm in the final stages of recovery for anorexia. Where abouts are you? I guess if you are towards the beginning of recovery or not even stated yet, then obviously I am going to find it a little easier than you.

I don't really socialise much either. I like to go out, but usually by myself or with my family. I'm not posting a sob story or anything, but most of my friends are too busy with their boyfriends and I don't have a best friend. I like to work and do things by myself, but don't get me wrong, I am not antisociable! If I had a good group of friends, then I would enjoy being with them, but I don't.

How are you doing today sweetheart?

Post reply!

Love and support, Molly xXx

Hi hi!!

Take it easyyyy...  What have you been up to?

Sweetheart, resist the urge to skip meals! Ignore the voice and block it out. Think of all the positives. Remember that you don't deserve this and recovering... well, recovery or "recovered" is not as far away as you think. Work hard at it and you will be rewarded!

I'm sorry to hear about your waitressing job. You're boss sounds a ***for making you cry. I'm glad you've got a job now where you're happy!

I'm not too bad thanks. I had this extreme pain in my side this morning, so bad I couldn't even stand. It felt (like what I imagine) contractions... every 20 seconds or so, I would get this stabing pain and then it would go. And then again... I don't know what on earth it was, but gosh, it felt like I was dying. Mum was going to take me to the hospital tonight if it was still as bad, but it has subsided a little now. It still hurts though. I thought maybe period pains at first, but never have I know pains like that to be those!

Feeling a little better tonight though.   I don't know why I get so wound up about the scales. I mean, I feel so scared about losing even a pound that I get the shakes. . Look after yourself Lex!

Love and (even more) support!

Molly xXx

hey guys how are you all doing? sorry to here that you have isolated yourself hannah, i think we all do in the end. how are you molly and lexi? and hannah?

im doing ok i guess, just taking it one day at a time. but i kinda got boy troubles and that really isnt helping, i just feel kinda numb at the minute which i am greatful for because its much better than any other feeling.

well what have you three been upto? i have decided that i need to get a job because i left my old job a few months back. and i am really getting sick of my house. but i think i want to work somewhere peaceful. well message back if ya can. lv mel xxx

hey sweetheart!!

awww, sorry to hear about the pains sweetie!! hope you're feeling a little better now??

I've been going out with friends, doing overtime at work, having people over mine, doing school work and my aunt has been staying with us as well as she is homeless at the moment.

I had really bad stomach pains a few weeks ago - I still get them on and off but my therapist said that she thought it was probably anxiety as I have pretty high anxiety levels.

let me know how things are going sweetie!!

take care,

loads of love,

lexy -xxx-

Hello gurlies!!

Mel -

I'm sorry to hear about your boy troubles... I didn't know you had a boyfriend!! I know you are upset, but you've got to remember to keep eating. Stressful times can totally make you not want to eat. When one of my closest friends died last year (she was only 14), I couldn't eat properly for days. I just didn't feel hungry... the sadness overwrote it. Of course I lost some weight and then I had to fight again for the next few weeks in order to gain what I had lost. Keep strong sweeheart and feel free to have a good old moan to Aunty Mol!!

Lex -

I am feeling a bit better thanks, but I feel like a have been bruised!! Hehe. Ah well. I don't know if it was anxiety or whatever, I hope I don't get it again for a while!!

You sound like you are so busy! Hows school going? Did you have a nice holiday? What are your plans for the weekend?

Take good care of yourselves my darlings!!

Keep fighting and staying strong! The support is always here from me!! Let me know what you are up too!

Love Mols xXx

Hey all of you, Molly I haven't even told anyone about all this stuff- apart from you guys of course! I am not doing too great, just the thought of going back to school is too much to deal with but never mind. I know what you mean about not having a great group of friends. I have plenty of mates, but it's not like we are a close group-it would be nice though. Raves, shopping, cinemas, sleepovers, gossip etc. lol When I go out, it tends to be with my family too, but I have been invited to a 17th birthday party in a few weeks! I am 14, but look a lot older, so although I am slightly apprehensive-it should be good! hahaha Hope you are ok, keep me informed xxx Mel I am not feeling any better, not feeling any worse. I am trying to organise a few more social events, but keep cancelling, which is a bit stupid of me. I am having trouble with my ex-boyfriend, so know what you mean about boy troubles! I would love to be able to get a job and get out of the house, but I can't get work anywhere as they say I am too young. Keep strong xxx Lexy Thanks for generally being there to talk to, it's really helped and I am trying to go out more. I still feel really awkward and self-concious though. On the up side, my friend, who is nearly 17 is going to try and set me up with one of her friends! Someone nice, of course, but maybe then I can have a bit more fun! Hope you are ok xxx

hey sweetheart,

glad you're feeling a little better hunni!

not back at school until monday, but have had revision sessions and rehearsals this week =(.

my holiday has been quite good thanks. have started to catch up with friends again which is nice.

going out friday night, got work saturday, and then going to my dads saturday night for the day on sunday.

let me know how things are going sweetheart and what you've been up to.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey gang!! How are you all doing?? Good I hope!!

Erm... I'm still of school until Monday, getting a bit bored to be honest. I've earned a load of cash from working though!!  Hehe. I'm trying to save up for a Mini Cooper, but I've just found out that the insurance for it is nearly £2500 a year. I've saved 3 years for a Mini (since I was 13!!) but I guess I'm just going to have to wait that little bit longer. *sigh*

Apart from that, things are ok. Hope you guys are doing ok x

Hannah - 17th birthday party?! Wow! Hope you have a lovely time! I like tit when people think I'm older than I actualy am! It makes you feel good. I guess though that when you're older you want to be younger. You can't win can you!? How are you coping? What have you been up to? xXx

Lexy - Yes, I'm glad I am feeling better too! Poor you! Revision and rehearsals? What are you studying? I hate revision...  I have a load to do aswell for my GCSEs in May. It is very stressful!!

You sound like you have a busy weekend ahead! But it sounds fun!! I'm working Friday night, working Saturday and then have a driving lesson on Sunday!! Back to schoolio on Monday.

How are things with you? Hope you are doing well.

Post back ladies!!

Love and support,

Mols xXx

hannah - awww sweetheart, sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult at the moment.

you're welcome sweetheart - any time!!

it's good to hear that you are going out more even though you are feeling self-conscious sweetheart as the only way we can stop feeling self-conscious is by facing it head on unfortunately.

let me know how it goes with your friend's friend!! lol (always makes me laugh when people say things like that - no idea why)

wish I could be mistaken for being older!! I wasn't allowed into a 15 film because I didn't have any id on me when I'm 18 in June!!! oh well ... suppose I'll be glad for that when everyone else is old and wrinkly

take care and let me know how things are going sweetheart,

molly - hey sweetheart,

I'm studying A level drama, psychology, and rs/philosophy. should be on my last year before uni, but am taking my second year of psychology next year due to my ed and depression. am taking all my other exams this summer though which is scary!!

what subjects did you take at GCSE?? I know what you mean about stress!!!

you looking forward to going back to school?

things aren't great to be honest, but I'm coping so I know that it could be worse. am going to a restaurant that I haven't been to for years because I don't like eating the food they serve there tonight and I have decided that its better to go and try and conquer my fear just for tonight than to stay at home and let my mum stress me out lol. plus I have supportive friends going and so I'm hoping it won't be as bad as the xmas meal I went on with my other friends where I ended up in tears because of what I had been served lol.

take care sweetheart and let me know how you are!!

lexy -xxx-

Bonjour!! Sorry about the french - I've been learning french speaking topics off by heart do I am "in the zone" Hehe.

Good choice of studys!! I'm not a very out-going/confident person, so drama isn't really my thing. I wanted to do psycology at A level, but because of the art course I've applied for instead, its sort of out of the question. Good luck with your exams though. I'll wish you more luck nearer the time!!

For my GCSEs, I took art, french, geography and PE, as well as the compulsory subjects like english, maths, science, etc. In all honesty, I think that taking PE was a bit of a silly decision now! When I chose my sujects, I was jus at the beginning of recovery so I thought that choosing PE and doing the extra sport would be a good way to keep fit and now piled on the weight too fast. However, now that I can see past the anorexia now, I find PE a very hard subject to learn. Its all about how the body works and everything... no practical lessons at all anymore now that the exams are looming!!! I'm garenteed an A/A* in it though, so that all that matters!!

I am looking forward to school actually. 2 weeks has been a bit long really and I'm am so tired from working so much!!! It will be a break going back! What about you? Are you looking forward to school?

Try not to stress too much about this meal sweetie. Good on you for trying to conquer this fear. Maybe they will have changed the menu? Speaing of which, I went out to one of our favourite restaurants last night and found they had taken my "usual" off the menu. I had a bit of a stress about it and ended up having to have something else. It throws you out a little when that happens!! Do you have "usuals" when you go out? I do everywhere I go. Its nice that you have supportive friends too. Try and enjoy yourself and occupy yourself with other things rather than food. (Says me who knows damn well its easier said than done!!)

Let me know how it goes and how you are keeping!!

Love and support,

Mols xXx

hey sweetheart,

I had a lovely time thanks!! =D was a little awkward but I tried not to think too much about it.

yeh I do have 'usuals' lol, don't know why but it feels safer somehow? =/

I'm really looking forward to going back. being at home is driving me mad!!! I'm looking forward to being with friends and being able to get out of the stress that's always at home lol.

keep in touch sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey Lex!

It was the first day back today? Yours aswell?? It wasn't to bad to be honest. We were all bombarded with "Your exams are coming up in less that 6 weeks and now its time to study..." ugh... I mean seriously, the first day back!!!

I am so so glad you had a nice time darling! Tell me how it went next post!!!

Yes, usuals do feel safe don't they. I have usuals because I can guess roughly how many calories are in it. The sad thing is, sometimes I don't even like the meal that much, I just go with it because I feel safer that way. If I know its a "good" meal, then I make myself like it whether or not I really do. It upsets me to be honest that we live a life like this, where we can't even enjoy food or nessecerily have favourites because of what we like, not because we know its what we should like. Anyway, I totally agree with you in the fact that certain foods make you feel safe. I guess thats very common in eating disorders.

I hope you had a nice first day back. I enjoy seeing all my friends but there is this one girl in my form who I cannot stand right now.

And here goes the rant. (apologising in advance!!)

I managed not to think about her the whole holidays but now all I think about is her. She has always always been an attention seeker but now its got to extremes. I don't want to slag her off as I'm not like that, but I guess that this only affects me so much because of my experiences with anorexia.

Before the holidays she wasn't eating at lunch. She sat at the table with us and talked about how she was on a diet. At first I was quite concerned as I don't want anyone to go through this like I have done and I do my best to preven people from doing so. But there was this time where I went to my locker during lunch to find her stood there eating at her locker. I think that she wants people to think shes not eating, but she actually is. Shes declared hersleft a skitzofrenic (sp?), depressed, bi-polar, anorexia, bulimic and she has recently taken to self harming. Now, don't get me wrong, but surely sef harmers don't carve the intialts of someone the fancy into their arm and call it self harm. I mean she is driving me mad.

First day back, she is on a new diet. The *****(that might get edited out). I mean seriously, me being an anorexpert (hahaha!) I  can see just by looking that she has lost no weight at all .*sigh* I just don't understand why she does tthis. I've avoided talking to her properly for a while now as I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I am well and truely pissed off. I mean why would people actually choose to have an ED?

Okay.... rant over. Hehe! Sorry for that, I just really needed to get it off my chest!!

Anyway, hope yo had a lovely time back at school! Take care of yourself and let me know how you are doing!

Lots and lots of love,

Mol xXx

hey sweetheart!!

I am enjoying being back at school thanks, just a little stressed out as I have an exam in less than 2 weeks time!!

no worries about the rant sweetheart! I'm going to have a good old rant in my post too!!

I know what you mean about getting frustrated with people. when I was in the minibus to go get costumes for Antigone in November there was three people a couple of years below me that started talking about how one of them and one of their friends was saying that they were anorexic, and that they couldn't be because they ate x amount when the person there only ate x amount, and because this was when I was quite underweight and not eating that much I felt like screaming at them and saying if you really were going through this then you wouldn't be sitting there saying what you are doing!!!

have also got a couple of friends that are doing my head in! I love them to pieces, but they don't like each other at the moment and keep asking me what the other person has said about them. I'm quite happy for both of them to talk to me, but I don't like being asked to grass people up, especially as they wouldn't expect me to tell anyone what they had said to me if that makes any sense lol.

my drama teacher has also asked me to miss loads of appointments for rehearsals for our drama exam next week and I am being given a meal plan on friday as apparently I'm not eating enough and I really don't want it, and I'm not going to have anyone to talk to all week

sorry that was such a long rant sweetheart, just needed to get it all out!

let me know how things are going for you sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Darling, don't worry!!! I like long rants - it gives me something good to read!!

I'm wishing you the best of luck in your exam!! I'm revising too - its very stressful isn't it!!!

Yes, as for that girl, she is still annoying me. I was off school yesterday as my cold was really bad, but I went in today and she was just being her usual self. Saying stupid things like "Does anyone want to share a meal at the prom?" (we had to pick our 3 course meal today - I had a little stress about it, but went for the things I felt most okay with.) I mean, i was nearly on the edge of losing it with her!!! Sometime soon, I'm going to and then I will come on here and tell you all about it!!! Hehe.

Oh, its so annoying when you friends aren't speaking and they use you as a interpretor. I mean, we're grown up for crying out loud - how immature! Are they not talking over something major or something silly? If its a major thing, then I can understand, but if its something stupid... well, then they just have to learn to get over it don't they?

Does your drama teacher know you are having to miss appointments? Maybe you should still keep one or two. Its importanat for you to go to them sweetie. Your health comes first - surely she understands that? Are you losing again due to your not eating enough? If yes, then it is probably best to have a meal plan. Anyway, its not up to me, but keep strong and positive!!! *hugs*

Please, don't apologise for you rants! Everyone is entitled to them!! It does make you feel slightly better!! :)

Things for me are going okay. I've had a bit of a slip up the last two days because I haven't been feeling well (I've had headache, runny nose, sore throat etc) and yesterday I had to take the day off as I coudn't even get out of bed. Of course ana kept telling me that because I wasn't doing anything at all (just sitting on the sofa all day watching TV and on my laptop) that I had to have something good for lunch. I managed something, but I do admit it wasn't particualry filling. I just worried because I wasn't able to burn it off! It was stupid, I know, but know I am better, I am going to get back on track!

Anyway got to go sweetheart! Please let me know how you are doing!

Love and support,

Mols xXx

hey sweetheart,

she knows that I am having to miss appointments as she has asked me to miss them!

awww hun!! *hugs* glad you're feeling a little better today!

I have been losing weight due to not eating, but everytime I think about the meal plan I want to burst into tears.

they've fallen out over a guy lol.

let me know how it goes when you lose it with her sweetheart.

soz it's such a short post but today's been tough and don't feel up to writing much more.

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Hey sweetie,

Surely she knows how hard it is for you? You should tell her that you need to get better and these appointments are important to you! I think you should ask to keep a few.

Hows the meal plan going? Have you had it yet? Head up sweetie!!

They've fallen out over a guy? That is silly. Guys should never come between girlfriends.

Still haven't lost it with her, but just lost it in general really. Read Dee's post for major rantage  I am not having such a good day!!

How are you feeling chick? Any better than yesterday? I'm always here for you! *mwah*

Lots of love Mols xXx

Hey, not been on for a while because it's been the holidays but now I am back to school. I was told to do 3 hours revision a day in the holidays but I haven't! My Mum found out about me making myself sick, but just thinks a book and a massage will help, although I feel awful for making my parents upset and I know deep down that I need help.Also, I am doing a charity fashion show in the summer, wearing everything from, jeans and jackets, to wedding dresses, so I really need to lose weight for that! I just feel dreadful tbh and I cant stand it. It was all going quite well until my Mum started talking to me about it! Anyway, How are you all? Hannah xxx

hey sweetheart,

nope

meal plan starts sat and am going to go through it with my therapist next thursday as it is not her who has asked me to go on it.

I have absolutely no idea what I want to say lol.

take care sweetheart,

let me know how you are doing,

*hugs*

lexy -xxx-

Its all right that you don't know what to say, sweetie -  I understand you're having a really hard time right now. Just don't forgot that I will be here for you whenever you need me! Just drop me a post - whether you want to moan or cry or laugh or... well, anything!! Drop me a post!! *hugs!!*

Lots of love,

Mols xXx

thankyou sweetheart! *hugs*

you have been amazing over the past few weeks!

she missed our appointment and so am not starting meal plan until tuesday now.

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-