the control

As I look around my room I am reminded of the failure I have been, pots and pans and empty wrappers. Half eaten food defrosting on the window just gives me more regret to feel.

I have now lost complete control over my mind and my soul.

It came up so easily and this was a shock but now I cant get the smell off my hands,

If anyone new it would bring me so much shame,

So I play this sick twisted game.

Constantly fighting to be in control of my life and my body

I made a very huge step that seemed impossible to make but nothing has changed.

This system I am fighting has walls of steal and they tell me I must break through to survive

I look inside my head and think passed the consuming thoughts and try and find the reasons that have made me this way

But the only thing I feel I cant control is how much I weigh.

I am snapping at people I love when they see me eating anything that isn’t healthy,

And I am eating so secretly nowadays

It used to be at night time I would think the most

But now I have these feelings all threw the day and the mornings are the hardest.

I wish I could have the choices that make a person whole but with no one to learn from I fear I will only fall.