That stabbing pain

that was well pretty amazing, your a really good writer..are  you ok? - i have an eating disorder,and its one thing to feel like you are about to let yourself slip into it and another to have completely fallen for its trap.maybe this is where your sister is?but i hope not- i still hope she is in reach.

i dont no why we dont get better hun, i know everything you said there was SO true..about taking a shower and feeling alive,small things and the big things that you arent capable of feeling anymore.

but i dont KNOW why when i have all the facts all the imformation all the hands reaching out why i dont take them. and that hurts,too know that i make a choice everytime a choice not to change, but i promise you it doesnt come down to what i truely want, cause id change this in a heart beat but it boils down to i think fear. and that fear grows and grows the longer this lasts. I NEVER in a million years imagined having an eating disorder,and i always said i would NEVER make myself sick. but now i do.

so in some smal way i think you start to give up inside. and it becomes a plateau of nothingness, a void- and u manage and deal with it cause you can't imagine another way of surviveing of copeing and feeling safe and secure.

and you forget every part of who you were before.and its like you have an echo of yourself left. i wait and wait for some momentous moment to hit me and wake me up and i thiink that will be my amazing story of "how i recoverd" but its hasnt come yet and i think i knw now.. it wont happen that way..i will have to make changes and open eyes.

i feel tremendous guilt for almost not doing nething to counteract this and i feel a coward for not fighting bk, but differant stages in my "Recovery" mean i feel differant ways.

i wish i had the answers i wish i had the power and the strength,i wish i wasnt as weak as i feel now. but somehow i got into this hole but i promise you me nor your sister would have taken this path if we'd known where it would lead.

ive had my best friend call me selfish today- and she was right,- i have been, and you are right with things you say there. you start to imagine nobody could be going thru what you are cause they dont understand.

but i can now see how much it must hurt to see someone you love actually hurt themselves.

that brings tears to my eyes.make sure she knows how much you care and that you love her,and that your there. cause truely thats all you can do..be by her side..i hope shes getting help to find her heart and soul again.no of you deserves this. xxxxx 

i'm really sorry, it's such a horrible illness. we used to be really close but now it feels like she's not even ther anymore except she still says the sweet things like always. Its dificult to explain but its like her eyes are glazed over with nothingness. It's as iff she doesnt feel pain anymore n shes just putting on an act. I'm terrified she's never going to get better... i hate all the drama that comes along with it.

When i was little i alwyas used to copy her because i admired her so much and a couple of yeras ago when her e.d. became more apparent i also went through an eating disorder phase for a some months but seeing her so ill made me realise that i had to stop and be strong for her. Sometimes I just think maybe if I resorted back to that she would realise and do the same for me but i'd be strong enough to recover.

I miss her so much. Do you find it's mroe a superficial illness? or controle? because at the time mine was more superficial but looking back on it now i can see how it could easily have been to control certain areas going on in my life that were just geting out of hand abit xx

You've managed to describe something i could never find the words to say, but still you are right, they cannot live the nightmare, only imagine it. For once the reality is as bad as it seems. Thank you for expressing what i cannot, as long as she has me, those tears and words will be stifled.

hey i hope you get this as i havent responded back asap really have i.

i would say it might begin as a superficial illness for some people, but it depends what your circumstances are and how you feel about yourself and your life. it get very easily tip the scale in to a full blwn area of control where you forget what hurt back then and start by feeling on top of the world and only ending up carrying it on your shoulders.excludeing yourself from what you may have already felt excluded from.

Truth is i am and i feel every description you use (your an incredible writer) and those eyes, the ones that look just past you and those ears that listen but dont really hear you - and that smile and lifts you but doesnt light you up are all a side affect of the ed.

BUT i want u to know she is still in there- i promise you - youcan loose people that easily. when it becomes an "eating disorder" biologically it doesnt become as simple anymore. and she has to face her fears when she is ready to accept what scared her into this

does she speak to a theapist-after i long time i have found one i can trust and he makes me belive for that  1 hour of that one week that anything is possible-that i am alive and that in those 60minutes foof doesnt even exist.. so im fighting for him, but mainly for me

and its SOSOSOSOSOSO hard and nothing has changed yet except slowly my will power.

and you need to no these people exist the ones who know how to help and how to show her the way .

but she has to take those steps alone. all u can try and do is show her thatt life is worth taking those steps for,

cause hunni when its been so long we forget

im here if you want to talk emma xxxxxx