Hello life...

Oh My God...I've cracked it!

I can truly, honestly, completely say that I have overcome anorexia nervosa, the stupid voice that has lived in me and ruled my life for longer than I care to remember.

For those of you who know me, you will know that it has been a difficult road of 2 steps forward and a million back, and I know that sometimes I've sounded so negative that people have feared I wouldn't make it...but I am in this world to prove I am stronger than that and I refuse to let anything beat me down!

I have just been on holiday to Spain for two weeks.  I have been in recovery for 8 months now, and have had the biggest ups and downs throughout this time.  Before going to Spain I had been going through an up period for about 3 weeks, and although I was feeling pretty positive I was still absolutely petrified.

When I got to Spain, we stayed in a hotel FULL of people, and I was expected to eat dinner in a huge buffet hall absolutely crammed to the max with different foods.  The first few times I walked in I freaked out, there were too many people, too much food, I'm cr*p at making decisions and I was overwhelmed by it all.  However, sitting in that hall watching people walk in I observed everyone on their holidays comsuming foods that they enjoyed, that would make them happy, that were full of flavour and everything associated with holidays.  A particularly beautiful girl walked away with a plate of food I would not have touched with a barge pole, and I realised looking at her that she was neither too skinny nor too large, and she was just stunning.  I wondered how on earth she could be so at ease with food, and I was very jealous...

The first week in Spain was a nightmare of emotions, somedays I could wear a bikini, some days I couldn't.  I was also subjected to some boy trouble that put me out of my comfort zone a bit, and caused a bit of trouble.

However, in the second week I met a load of people, mostly French, and I decided to pluck my confidence up and speak to them.  I spent the whole week speaking French, having fun and joining in!  I refused to allow my anorexic thinking to stand in my way.  The breakthrough point was when we went out clubbing one night, and I was faced with the decision to have alcohol or not, and to eat * too, and I was so embarrassed at having to say no that I decided to PUSH through the thoughts and concentrate on having a good time.  In the end, it was possibly one of the best evenings I've had for as long as I can rememeber, I had SO much fun!

The more I decided to eat what I wanted rather than what the voice would "allow", the easier it got, and the harder I pushed through ALL my emotions and demons and the same time the faster I was able to push them underneath me and stamp on them!!!  I had an awesome holiday, and the guys I met were so complimentary to me that I realised it's not about weight, or looks or anything like that, it's about WHO YOU ARE, and I just needed to go and make some real friends to prove that to myself!

I was scared to come home and carry on eating english food in front of my family and friends, but I recognised that if I did fall back into old habits at home I would have missed possibly the biggest opportunity in my life to get over this eating disorder.  I had a hospital appointment and it showed I'd maintained my weight, possibly gained a tiny weeny little bit, but the most important was that my bloods are improving.  So, my weight is still low yes, but that will take a lot of time I know to recover...the important thing is i DON'T CARE.  Weight is so ****KING SHALLOW, there is no point worrying about it, it will not make you happy.  It doesn't matter how thin you are. Life is about recognising who you are inside, and making the most out of your qualities.  Life is about combining work with fun and creating a good balance between the two.

SO, STOP LOOKING IN THE MIRROR!!!  If you are on this site trying to help others then you are a beautiful person and life has a lot to give you.  All you have to do is look inside yourself and ask you what the HELL you are getting out of what you are putting yourself through.

I PROMISE you, that if you just face all your demons at once, rather than prolonging the agony and doing it one by one, step by step it is much quicker and easier to get over.  The voice is evil, and very strong, it can withstand so much.  GIVE IT THE SHOCK OF ITS LIFE!!!!  I did this without a therapist, I was in the process of a new referal because I didn't get on with mine.  This just proves that you don't need one to make your life YOURS.  Perhaps it would have been even easier if I had had one, I don't know, all I know is that I was SICK TO DEATH of balancing my life on the edge of a sword and always feeling left out and lonely.

I CARE ABOUT ME!  And I don't feel selfish.  Caring about me makes me able to care more about others.  I wake up in the morning, and I remember all the good times I spent on holiday, and the friends I made there.  I put on some good music and come rain or shine I have a smile on my face.  Granted this is only a few days into being at home, but the way I feel now, I just have a feeling this isn't going to stop.  I may have a few down moments, but moments is all they will be.

GOODBYE ANOREXIA, I ****KING HATE YOU, YOU TRIED TO RUIN MY LIFE BUT YOU FAILED! HA!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

ALL my love and best wishes, I will always be here to talk to.

Caitlin

xxxx