Started Day Care

Oh hunny, please don't be upset. I will be your listening ear!

Everything you are doing at the EDU is for the best! I know its hard, but thats recovery isn't it?

The portions there will seem huge to you, but that is - as you said - normal and only seem so big because you have eaten so little.

Are there many other people who go there? Maybe you could find someone to be like a "buddy" for you and then you can support eachother. Look for someone who wants to recover as much as you do - people who are there and being defiant or sneaky will do you no good. They would be able to talk to you like we do here and support you, but in a physical way. I don't know though, its only an idea.

Were you admitted there by a doctor or did you admit yourself?

I am on the other side of the slope towards recovery. I can see it so near - the thought of being totally recovered.

I'll tell you a bit about my recovery next time.

Drop me a post sweetheart and let me know how things are going!

Love Molly xXx

Thank you so much for the kind words...please do let me know about your recovery, I would be most grateful to hear your story.

I think finding a buddy would be helpful to me, but I am not sure who to align myself with as I haven't been there too long, and I want to be confident that the person wants to get better, because otherwise I think it will be detrimental to my health.

I have been an outpatient for a while, convincing myself that I could recover alone, without consistent help. Then my weight just got lower, and my ability to push myself got weaker, so after much deliberation (and a battle with the ana side of me) I gave in, and started this program.

I know it wasn't going to be easy, but at the moment it is really pushing my limits and i'm not sure I am coping as well as I thought I would.

Thanks again, much love

Dee xxx

Hi Dee,

I don't know how much of my story will get edited, but here goes!

My story begins when about 4 years ago, when I was 12 and one New Year, I made the resolution to become fitter and healthier in order to make the school sports teams.

I don't believe that it was only wanting to become healthier that made me become anorexic, but that sure played a paart in it. Other factors such as friends passing comments about how much I ate (because I used to do alot of sport) also contributed.

Anyway, I can't remember much of the beginning, but I know that in 5 months, my weight dropped an incredible amount .

I never ever thought I would end up like this. Ever. But you know that you can't control this illness. My mum noticed I was losing weight about 3 weeks after my "health kick", so she began to weigh me every week for 4 months.

Over and over again she asked me if I was skipping lunch (which I was and breakfast and dinner - well, what I could get away with) but of course I denied it.

The 5 months where my weight dropped to its lowest point are very much a blur to me. Its only the recovery part which I can remember well.

As my weight dropped, she took me to the doctors for a first time. He said that it was just a stage all teenagers go through and not t worry. A couple more weeks passed and even more weight was lost and then she took me back.

This second time I saw the nurse who referred me immeadiatly (sp?) to the hospital. Within a week, I met with the head psycaiatrist at the CMHS centre. He told me that if I lost anymore weight, I would have to go to an EDU across (I don't live in mainland UK). I was arranged to meet with a dietitian and counsellor once a week.

For the first 3 weeks, I refused to talk. I got on the scales like they asked, but I would not talk to them. (I wish now that I had talked right from the start, as the ended up helping me so much!)

On the forth week, they said to me that if I wasn't going to respond to the treatment, then there was nothing they could do to help me. My mum was crying and it hurt me. They asked me, "If you want to get better, then we need you to work with us. We need you to WANT to get better." And I did.

I realised that I was sick of being sick. I was tired of being tired. I had no energy, I was cold all the time (my friends used to joke and called me "tie-dye girl" because my hands had such poor cirrculation), I was moody and my hair and nails were thin, but most importantly, I wasn't who I used to be. My dad said  to me, "Moles, I can't even recognise you as my little girl anymore." And wow, did that hurt.

I was wearing these googles that everyone talks about. The ones that make you have that distorted image of yourself. Like all anorexics, I believed I was fat and ugly and not worthy of eating. But I mean, when I think about it now, I think, "How the hell did I end up like this?"

So... yes, I began to talk to the specialists and they helped so so much. I even wanted to talk to other people, but unfortunately my family didn't really understand and I don't have friends close enough to tell. And anyway, you can't really understand if you've never been through it, can you?

The funny thing I found though, was that as I began to gain the weight back, my perception of everything changed slightly. With food inside me (even if it was only small amounts) I felt happier and... well, just happy. Initially, whilst eating I cried and hated myself, but afterwards, little things began to mingle with my thoughts of food and I tried to focus on them instead and block out the thoughts of food.

Its taken me 3 years to get to where I am now. I'm not fully recovered, but pretty close to it!! I mean, I realise now how much happier I am and healthier... my nails, my hail, my skin... I'm hardly ever cold and I have a lot more of energy now.

I was discharged from the CMHS centre last year and now I have review sessions every 6 months. Sometimes I wish I saw them a couple more times, but I guess you have to move on.

I mean, I'm not denying that I have bad days because of course I do. There are days where I just want to talk to people and tell them how I feel. The other day, I saw a girl who definately had an ED and I felt slightly jealous, but then I remembered what a dark and depressing time it was. I mean, I still feel guilty if I eat something "bad", but I've been taught to listen to my body and respond to what it wants.

Nobody else I know has been though an ED, so most of the time I tell the beat boardies how I'm feeling. Celebrity magazines make me sad, especially when there is another "new diet craze" that everyone HAS to follow, but I don't want to be as ill as I was again.

Since recovering, my relationships with my mum and dad has improved. I feel like my old self again. Before, I shut everyone out - friends, family - but now I am beginning to let them in again.

I've got my GCSE's in June and I'm hoping to get into the college on an Art and Design Course. I know that the next few weeks will be very stressful in terms of revising and everything, but i must remeber to stay healthy. If not, my concentration levels and grades will end up suffering. Theres no reason why my anorexia should mess up the rest of my life.

I have many plans for my future and am determind to get where I want to be. I want a good job, a nice flat, a wonderful boyfriend/husband... but most of all, I want to be happy.

I know I am probably rambling on now, but recovery is for the best. It was hard and painful, but actually worth it.

Please reply to me hunny and tell me about yourself! I would love to hear from you! I hope my story has been an inspiration to you and if you have any questions, please just ask me!

(Sorry for such a long post!)

Speak soon! Take care,

Love Molly xXx

Thank you so much for spending time to write all that out, it must have taken you ages... and I know what you mean about not having anyone who truly understands around you, I think some people think I am being selfish and vain, but it is far beyond that, anorexia is something else, something far more controlling... if I was vain I wouldn't want to have bad skin, hair and nails, be almost blue with the cold, I would want to have boobs and a bum like the other girls...

I am also not sure how much will be edited out of this but here is my story...

It started as a diet, during school I wasn't really bothered with exercise, food - I ate what I want and did what I want, a bit of a rebel, however after college I started taking dance classes, something I hadn't done since a young age... I felt very driven to be the best I could in these classes, but I felt I was somewhat bigger than the other girls, and it made me feel isolated. I felt I could never be a dancer with a body like mine, and I would cry about it after classes. I started cutting down my food, people always used to comment that I had a good appetite, and it started to get to me - I thought the diet I was on was perfectly healthy, although I can see now that it was not but I was getting comments from people saying 'you've lost weight' and more attention than I had had before... I started fitting my leotards better, well what I thought was better, and the idea of losing more weight drove me to further extremes, and it got to the stage where I was avoiding most meals but taking several dance classes a day, and i'd be at the gym before work in the morning. When my weight remained stagnent for a while I started binge/purge cycles, to no effect, but the thought of food just scared me so much, this was when I started getting help, which was to the relief of my boyfriend, parents and friends. It took a long time before I was actually getting treatment, and I was forever on waitlists. When I started seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis I thought I was instantly on the mend, and I convinced myself I could do it all from home... oh was I wrong! It just got worse, I was telling myself, oh you've eaten X today, so you don't need to eat later, that's enough... I would really punish myself, but I thought I was eating to put on weight, I thought having a snack would instantly make me gain and I would recover... It was like I had lost all sense of reality. I am still far from the point of recovery, as I have just started, but I think this place will give me the push I need to get me better. I just don't enjoy life anymore, and being young I feel I should!

My eating has improved, I am actually having 3 meals a day at the least, rather than skipping here and there, so I guess I am gaining a structure, a sense of normality...

Sorry for the long msg! Please feel free to let me know how you're getting on, and i'll let you know how day care is going!

Thanks for all the support,

Much Love

Dee xxx

Good Evening Dee!

Are you having a good day? What have you been up to? Are you on easter holidays?

I do admit, my story took me an age to write out, but I feel that it was worth it not only to help and inspire you, but it feels good to get it off my chest and talk about it properly. I don't think I've ever told anyone the whole story. Somethings in there I've never told my family because I've already lied to them too much and to tell them the truth would ruin what relationship I've taken so long to rebuild. I've never told any of my friends either because I don't have a best friend or any close friends who are understanding enough to apprieciate how hard it is to tell them. Sometimes its better to just spill it all out to someone you don't know. Atleast then they can't judge you!

I, too, find it upsetting when people actually believe that you are being vain if you have anorexia. The word "vain" is so far the opposite to what you are that it doesn't even make sense. And as for being selfish... I don't even know how to explain how that makes me feel if someone thought that. Angry, I guess. And sad, sad that these feelinga and thoughts are not at all selfish and unless they can even begin to understand what you are going through then they have no right at all to judge you.

Ok, rant over! lol!

I'm very sorry about your story. It sound as though you've had a really rough time. Were your dance classes like ballet classes? I hear eaing disorders are very common for dancers.

However, I am so please that you are managing 3 meals a day. I too am having 3 meals a day (good size meals!) and snacks too. I actually feel weird if I don't have a meal. I never skip meals now and to hear me talk, I guess you'd never thought I'd had an ED! lol

I love long messages! Feel free to write ones as long as you like and I'll do the same!

I am doing okay today thank you sweetheart! I am on easter holidays here for 2 weeks, so to keep myself busy, I am working lots. I love working because I get on really well with my co-workers! Also I like the money!  

How is day care? Are you finding it any easier? (I know that it a stupid question, but things will get better! Stick to it and I promise!)

Take care and drop me a post next time you're online!

Hug and kisses,

Mol xXx

hey sweetheart,

how are you feeling about the day care at the EDU now???

I've not been into care, but have had a lot of support through counselling/psychotherapy/family therapy and my gp, but tbh I kind of wish that I had had someone help me to know what a normal size portion is as I know that what I eat is still a small amount, and I end up bingeing, but although it is small it feels huge to me and so I can't manage to eat more as I don't know what I should be eating if that makes sense?

hope you're okay sweetie,

always here for you to talk to,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Mols - I know what you mean about not telling people the whole story, sometimes it's just easier to miss things out knowing they just won't understand enough anyway.... I am not being horrible, and I do appreciate the support but sometimes you can only really get the same support from another person who has an ED or has recovered and knows how you feel! I am on easter break from Uni, and working part time when I am not at day care, got a lot of easter work to do, but its just too boring...hehe! Did you say you do art? I used to do Art at school as well, and I was going to do art and design, but then change of plans, I now study magazine publishing! We do some arty things in it tho, so it's all creative! I do like a bit of creativity to take my mind off things! I am so pleased for your eating pattern, and you've gained a sense of normality, and I soooo want that back! To be able to enjoy a meal out with my friends and not worry about calories would be my dream! And it is not an unreasonable one either! I managed to have my evening meal today, even though I was at daycare and I had a big meal at lunch time, this was a big step for me, and although scary, I feel proud!!! It was ballet, tap, modern and cheerleading that I did, and yes ED is common is this field, but I thought it would never happen to me, I really thought I was the last person in the world who would suffer from Ana! But hey, it did... and when I do recover I am gonna make sure I do something to raise money for ED services, because there are too few. People need help, good solid support bases. I want to work on helping young people with confidence issues as well, make sure that they know that everyone is beautiful and unique in their own way... I know it's hard for me to say this now as I don't believe it of myself, but in time I can hope I can guide and advise others than Ana does not solve anything.... Lexy - Sounds like you've got quite a good support base... Portion sizes have always been my enemy, because it depends on what you have, I try to put more on my plate, so that at least it is there, and if I leave a little bit, it would still mean I got a normal portion, because I gave myself more to begin with, if that makes sense! Maybe you could arrange a dietician session and write out a meal plan, I find it easier having a sense of direction and structure! Love Love Love Dee xxxxx

hey sweetheart!

that sounds like a good idea! (the portion sizes).

I was offered a meal plan by one of my support workers but my mum wouldn't let me have one =(. It sounds really stupid, but I kind of wish I did have one so that there was some sort of structure if that makes sense?

how are things going sweetie?? let me know how you are doing,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hello Dee!

How are you hunny? You sounded a little happier in your last post.

Are you having a nice easter break? What type of job do you do? At the time of writing this, its twenty to one in the morning and I've just got in from work. I've been waitressing tonight at the place where I work during the day, but tonight they had a function on, so I worked that aswell. I really should go to bed now as I've got to get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn to go to my other job (also waitressing!) *sighs* Ah well, I like the money!!

I do do art, but I cannot remember saying it! lol! It is my favourite subject, I've probably told you that I hope to do this art and design course at the college next year. Interveiws are coming up soon, so fingers crossed I'll get in because I have no back up plan! I find art (like you say) very relaxing and something to take your mind of things. Why did you decide to change from art and design to magazine publishing? Still, it sounds interesting!

My eating plan is good, but not great. I still try and go for the low calorie options and I still feel bad if I eat something "naughty", but generally, I think I eat okay. Like you, I would love to be able to go out and not worry about calories and fat. I would love to be able to order something I fancy rather than something I think I should have. I would like to have something different to my "usual" and I would like to have a starter and a main course and a desert... (without sounding greedy!) and not care. But for the time being, I do care and I envy people who don't care. I envy people who live like they only have one day to live.

Sorry! I've turned this post into a bit of a depressing post! Anyway... well done you on eating an evening meal aswell as your lunch time meal! I am just as proud of you as you are of yourself!!! Keep thinking positve sweetie! Don't let that voice bring you down!! Good luck tomorrow!

Its weird, because you never think an ED will happen to you. Out of all the people in the world, why us? I had a really healthy appetite before my ED. I didn't care what I ate, if I wanted *, I had them. Or fast food. Now I only have that if there is absolutely no other option. It makes life akward when I go out with my mates to the cinema or something. They usually stop off at some *, but I have dinner before I go as I know this is what they will want to do. Why can't I just go to a b***** *!! I know I stand out when they're all eating and I'm not, but they don't know I've already eaten. And to tell them that just sounds like excuses again.

Right, I'm going to go now and shut up because I keep making this post into a depressing one. lol.

Take care of yourself sweetheart!

Love Mol xXx

Thanks for the kind words and support with my progress, today has been a bit of a shambles at day care, lots of staff taking leave meaning we don't get the workshops and groups we should have, leaving us with nothing to think about but the food we've just eaten... and trust me the portions seemed big to me today... and it was my first day on completely full portions. It didn't feel good at first and there was a lot of tension on the unit, but I had my one to one psychology session today and I managed to let off a lot of steam, it was literally like I went in and went ARGGGGGH! Ranted on for about 30 mins, the poor guy was probably scared! Hehe! BUT on the plus side that weight off my shoulders was a HUGE help to me, and I actually left laughing! Laughing about the whole situation, maybe it was Hysteria, who knows! Hehe!

Hopefully the day will come when me and you will be free from this worry, this trap called ana, and beat it completely! The ultimate goal, full recovery! I've just got to trust that I will feel much better from it!

My easter was good... and as for my job, I just work in an office part time, I don't think the EDU would like me doing a waitress/bar job, I've got to avoid food based work for a bit! I hear you get good tips from it though!

Love and support whenever you need it!

Dee xxxxxxxxx

hey deedee1984,

i went to an edu unit, as an in patient and a day patient, and honestly, i thought the same about eh portion sizes. but dont take that the wrong way, they are noraml portions that everybody eat at some point or another, its like people going out for a 3 course meal...they dont have a three course meal everyday for tea, just the are able to have all that fod for one dinner, now and again.  I remember the first pudding i ate, i was stuffed. bu the other girls there were like, go sit odwn read  amagazine forget about wha tyou just did. and honestly, i did feel full for a while, but it wasnt half as bad as i thought it would be. you will get used to the portion sizes, its all part of getting better. 

hope things get easier for you sooooon :) keep smiling

han x

Hi Dee!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your day at the EDU, but I laughed out loud when I heard about your rant!

You seem a little happier today (despite the polava at the EDU) and it makes me happy too!

Thats a real shame about the staff leaving and all that. Why were they leaving? How did you manage full portions? I can understand that it would have been very difficult, but you've got to keep thinking positive. How did the others cope with them? How are you feeling now?

Sometimes its good to have a good old moan and groan to someone. I certainly enjoyed letting off steam to my therapist... I really miss those sessions sometimes. I've thought about keepinng a diary where I can just let it all out, but I haven't got round to it. Make the most of those sessions with the psycologist, they make you feel so much better!

Yes, full recovery does sound so wonderful! I just wish the day would come sooner! I know that it sounds stupids, but I believe that it will be like paradise... relaxation... stress-free... contemptment... happiness!!!  I can't wait!

lol, yes I think the EDU would dissaprove of you working with food. Sometimes, I wonder if the only reason I have two waitressing jobs is because of my ED. I mean, maybe if I wasn't anorexic, then I would, like you, have a part time office job. Whatever the case, I enjoy my jobs alot! And yes, the tips are good!!!

I've had a weird day today. This morning about 3 hours after I got up I had this really bad pain aroung the kidney area. I don't know what it was, but it was so bad, I could hardly stand. It lasted 4 hours and felt like I was being stabbed. It was weird. It came in waves... increasing pain until like a point, then died down again, then 20 seconds later it came back again. Over and over... my stomach was so swollen aswell. Anyway mum said she would take me to the hospital if it was still happening this evening, but it subsided this afternoon. It still hurts a little bit, but no where near as bad as it did before. I haven't got a clue what it was, but I was worried it would be somethinh like appendecitis. At first I thought period pain, but 4 hours? And the pain was extreme. But its nearly gone now.

How was your day? How are you feeling?

Keep up the good work sweetie!

Love Mol xXx

hey sweetheart,

good to hear that you found your one to one helpful hunni.

so good to hear that you are laughing again as well sweetie!! even if it is only hysteria!

the day you are talking about will come sweetheart, for all of us.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Thanks for all your lovely messages guys! All the support has been fab! And thanks for your long posts Mols! The rant was pretty funny actually! I wish you could have seen me go, you would have been proud hehehe! I hope you are OK though hun, your tum sounds bad... I know sometimes IBS can cause horrible pain like that, which i've had my fair share of, but 4 hours is a long time... let me know how you're doing tomorrow, and if it's any better! I honestly can't wait for the day my periods come back, and I can be a proper girl again, I need something to moan about to my boyfriend and get sympathy! HEHE! I am definitely feeling much better today, after letting off the steam, god it's good! The portions weren't tooooo bad today, it's just everything was so rushed, because we got served lunch late, and we have a short group after lunch which gets missed if we don't finish in time, but after the plateful I had, I still had some left after some of the other people had finished, I was like "RIGHT FOOD, its you versus me!" and I just took huge spoonfuls and stuck it in my gob, then 2 mins after that I was served pudding! You would not believe the indigestion I had, and where can you get a Gaviscon tablet when you need one!!! It's not something I keep in my handbag! They should have them on the unit! My stomach ended up making atrocious noises all day at my desk... EMBARRASSMENT! Really loud gurgling only tho, just in case you thought it was something else! I should do an online diary for b-eat with my experience of day care, it might help others see the positive side of things! I'm just keeping smiling even when things get tense! Keep Happy! Dee xxxxx

Good day Dee!

I am so glad you are having a better time , well, even if it is not better, you sound happier! Your post just crack me up lol!! I am so proud of you however your doing. You can do this, with an attitude like yours, you can do this!!!

I am feeling a little better today thank you. I still feel bruised, but the contraction like pain has stopped. I went to work today and it was horrible. It was so busy and I didn't get my lunch until nearly 3pm. By then I had sort of passed the whole hunger stage and I wasn't really hungry, but I thought to myself with an attitude like that it could end up being the beginning of anorexia again, so I had something to eat. I know not to miss meals now.

Its great to hear that you are feeling better today! Talking to someone definately lifts a huge weight off your shoulders, it makes you feel relaxed and alot lighter (spiritually, not physically! ) Remember, if you don't have anyone to rant to, you can always rant to me! I will be your sounding board!!

The EDU sounds hard, but its good that you had an okay day. Sometimes you've just got to get it over and done with and just pile the food on in!! Sorry about your indigestion though, its a horrible feeling.

Tell me about your boyfriend!! I don't have a boyfriend, but I would like one. Unfortunately, all the guys are taken that I know and the signle ones are w******!! Mum says I don't need a boyfriend yet, but I see one of my friends with hers (they've been together 1 1/2 years) and he loves her so much, everything about her and just how she is. I want someone like that too! But I guess the time will come!

You keep on with the smiling!!! Positive thoughts mean positive acts!!!

Speak soon hunny,

Love Mols xXx

Ola! Another tense day on the unit, a bit of upset from me, but overall I have managed to resort to being positive this evening and didn't let it affect my eating... a good sign that maybe I am getting stronger..! There is hope! I know what you mean about feeling lighter and a weight off your shoulders! It's definitely a good thing to talk to someone about whatever you are thinking, no matter how irrational! My boyfriend is lovely! He is very supportive, and understands as much as he can about eating problems... I know he's put up with a fair share of EDT (eating disorder tension, similar to that of PMT, but without the tampons, hahaha - sorry I've gone a bit mad again!) You'll get a man, but might be best to wait till college, and allow the boys to mature a bit! You also might meet new ones! I've been with my man 8 years now... and we've recently moved in together! Anyway I think I am gonna go and chill out for a bit! I hope you have a good rest of the week and you know where I am if you need me! Thank god for this board! Love Dee xxxx

hey sweetheart,

your bf sounds fab!!! and hey you sound pretty amazing too sweetie!!

hope you're doing okay hunni. let me know how things are going!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Thanks Lexy, if you need any support from me at any time do not hesitate to ask, I am always willing to lend an ear! Take it easy darling! Dee xxxx

I am so proud of you! You really sound as though you are determined to get through this! I love your daily entries from the EDU, maybe you should write a book!!

How have you been apart from that? Are you still managing evening meals aswell? Keep up the good work hunny! I am so proud of you!!

Your boyfriend sounds a wonderful guy! I know that having an ED puts an enromous strain on relationships whether its family, friends or partners... but I'm glad he's been supportive!

EDT... hilarious!! You sound just as mad as I do on crazy days!! lol. Its okay to be mad sometimes though, life becomes fun!

Wow, 8 years is a long time!! How old did you say you were? I hope you are happy with him!!!

Post back when your next online!!!

Love and support to you sweetie!

Love Mols xXx

Hello again!

Yeah I am still sticking with my meal plan, although somedays are more of a struggle than others, but I didn't expect plain sailing, otherwise no one would have ED's if they were that easy to fix...

I'm 23 years too old... lol... I will be even older still this year... god time is flying by!

Maybe I should write a book, publish it and get loads of money muhahahahaha!

Other than ED stuff, life has been OK, just the usual work/watching TV/Uni work... my life is so thrilling, arn't you jealous! But I am hoping recovery will open an whole load of new opportunities for me, as I will be less conscious about going out the house and I might even let my hair down once in a while and have a glass of wine! Oh I'm so naughty!

How's your week been so far?

xxxx

thank you sweetheart =)

as molly said you really do sound mad!!!

the book sounds like a good idea, and your life sounds just about as exciting as mine lol.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

We should have a competition for the most exciting life. I would win by far!!

I've been working every other day this week and I'm working Friday night and Saturday. I am actually quite tired now, but I am driven by money so that overwrites the tiredness!! Teehee. Apart from work, I have been revising for exams and...er.... not much else!! I thought that I was the only person who did nothing, but its good to know there are others too!!

Yes, ED's are never a smooth journey! I am glad you are sticking to your meal plan though. Good on you!!

It would be nice to be able to relax and (as you said) let your hair down when you go out., wouldn't it?! Just let yourself go and not care about anything apart from having a good time!! Woop!!

Do you have much planned for the weekend?

Keep me updated sweetheart.

Love and support

Mols xXx

sounds like a fab idea sweetheart!!! not sure you'd win though!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Uh... I think I would!!

Love Mols xXx

Not a good weekend guys, I have felt awful. Ana has pushed me to my limits, just when I thought things were going well I reverted back to some back habits, I made a certain food which triggers a binge, leading to several episodes of binge/purge behavior over the weekend... I feel so down... I've managed to still have meals though, but have missed out on some snacks and been a bit lapse with my meal plan. I guess when I have free time I don't know what to do with myself! I get so lost, I feel so alone... I just wish I could have a special 'friend in my pocket' who I could call upon whenever I am lonely or need a shoulder to cry on...!!! I bet i've gained loads now because of this, so frightened about my weigh in tomorrow, I feel enormous, bloody hell... so stressed out... feel I wanna scream and cry and panic... *cries*

awww sweetheart! *hugs*

well done for still managing to have your meals sweetheart. you should be proud of yourself.

it would be lovely if we could just reach in our pockets and pull something out that would make everything okay wouldn't it?

unfortunately I don't know what free time feels like at the moment.

I'm going on a meal plan as of saturday.  am so scared. I saw someone from CAMHS this afternoon, and she said she felt as though I was the lowest I had been when she had seen me and at the moment my ed was controlling me as all I want to do is lose weight. I have no motivation to recover at the moment.

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Oh no!!! You both sound miserable!!

Dee - I am so so sorry you are feeling so down! You were doing so well sweetie. I'm not used to seeing you post without a wise crack in it somewhere!! Just think of it as a minor blip in your recovery. Don't fret too much about it (which I know is bloody hard!!) there is always a time in recovery where things go a little pear shaped, but you can get yourself back on track! Try not to cut down otherwise you'll end up back in the circle again of starving and binging, starving and binging... I still think you've done brilliantly with you meals though. Hows day care going? You know, I feel that exact way too about having a friend in my pocket! Do you have a best friend? I don't... well my closest friend has a boyfriend of 1 1/2 years and she just wants to be with him all the time. Me and her are suppose to be going to the college next year on an art course together only now I've founf out her boyfriend is doing 2 extra years there too. I don't want to be mean or anything, but I don't want him to be there because I know he will win over me... oops! sorry didn't mean to create a sob story there, but a little friend in the pocket would be nice!!

I hope you are feeling a little better now. Its good to have a good old cry sometimes. Let me know how it went at your weigh in sweetie (only if you want). I promise you it will not be as bad as you think!

Lexy - I didn't know you were upset too!!! I'm sorry to hear you are going on a meal plan too, but try not to be scared about it. Think of it as one more positive step to recovery!! I know you have no motivation right now, but if you keep talking to someone about how you feel, maybe someone at the CAMHS centre, then you may feel a little better. Me and Dee always think its good to talk! If you can't talk to anyone there, don't forget I am always here to lend a listering ear!

Same for you Dee - I have my ears open and am ready to listen to any rants or moans you may have!!!

My love and support is here for both of you!!!

*this is the biggest blood hug I can give you!!!!*

Lots and lots of love,

Mol xXx

lol, thanks mols!!

your post made me smile!

I would have a big old rant but I've had one on the other page to you so I won't make you read it twice!

*hugs*

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey guys,

Sorry for the really miserable moany post that probably depressed anyone who read it...!

I am feeling a bit better today, just trying to deal with the weight gain in a positive light. It is hard though, just keep smiling! I always dread the weigh in sessions though,  just think maybe it would be better if I didn't know! Then I wouldn't panic so much, I could just think I was a low weight and not worry if I gained... but then again that would be like running away from the problem!

I wouldn't say I had a 'best friend', I have lots of close-ish friends though, but no-one specifically, maybe my boyfriend would be my best friend, but I still find it hard to tell him EVERYTHING...

And I know how you feel about your friend having a boyfriend, I find that my friends want to know me when they are single but as soon as a boy comes on the scene I barely here from them... hmmm... but hey! I guess this is life! You'll prob meet loads of new arty types at college, and have loads of new friends! Definitely something to look forward to!

Lexy - The motivation is the hardest thing to maintain... but try and think of the long term, although it is really hard. Think I need my body to work properly so I can travel, meet someone, have a family, go to uni etc etc... The meal plan is a scary concept, it just seems really huge at first, but when you speak to someone who doesn't have an ED you find that this is what they might eat on a regular basis!

Thanks for the support guys! And the lovely big hug Mols!

Much Love xxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

glad you're feeling a little better *hugs*.

every time I think about the meal plan I want to burst into tears.

my friend said something to me last night that really made it hit home, but she didn't say it in the right way, and it seems to have made things worse. I can't stop thinking about what I am/am not eating!!

I'm feeling so lost.

take care sweetheart,

let me know how things are going,

lexy -xxx-

Sorry to hear you are feeling sad girlie... What is it about the meal plan that makes you feel bad? Are you thinking of it in terms of calories, or in terms of the amount of food. The way I try and see it is that this food is like medicine, if I was prescriped medication to take at certain times, I would take it to feel better, even if the taste was bad. I try and think of food as my medicine, I need it to get better, but once I get better I don't have to live life to a plan, I can be more spontanious and eat what I like and when I like - obviously not going back into ED habits though.

People without ED's make comments they think are reasonable and just but they do not realise how much these effect us, every bite can cause us pain, but when you overcome a personal challenge like eating out for the first time, even if it is just a starter, a fellow ED recovery patient can really applaud you on that, whereas someone without an ED would not really see it as a difficult challenge. You've got to accept that recovery is not easy, but is possible, and is better. Seek support from this board everytime you feel stuck and without direction and i'll be more than happy to talk about anything you feel and think, because i've probably been there too... I must admit when I first got my meal plan I was like 'I am NOT doing that', I was really distressed. But someone said to me, 'One week I did the meal plan, completely as it says on the shee and guess what, I maintained my weight!' So it shows that to gain weight is not as easy as you may think, at first your weight may go up as your body will hold onto the water and nutrients from the foods but after a while it will start to balance out, and the process is much easier, I find, to deal with. From what I can tell on here, you and Mols are beautiful people, and this is without a judgement based on weight, height, looks or anything (as I haven't seen you), this is from who you are as a person - and as a person I think you are great!

I don't know if this helps, but I hope it does!

Much Love xxx

Good evening girlies

Sorry this is going to be a very miserable post... major ranting... I am just having such a bad day and cannot fight the tears... I just need to let it all out. Hope you don't mind :) It will be long and in some parts very stupid. But here goes...

I hate work

I hate school

I hate E

I hate her boyfriend

I hate L

And the other L

I hate being ill

I hate not being able to go to the gym because of it

I hate revision

I hate exams

I hate my dog

I hate not being able to practice driving while all my friends are because they have a car to practice in

I hate having only 1 driving lesson a week

I hate feeling tired and lousy

I hate Mondays

I hate Thursdays too

I hate waiting in the cold for my mum to come and pick me up 20 minutes late

I hate being moved in lessons

I hate having to get up early and go to bed late in order to get on top of school work

I hate people who think having an ED is something new to try and to have one but not the next

I hate wanting to be normal, but being so far from it

I hate having to eat what I know is "safe", not what I fancy

I hate being anorexic

*deep sigh of relief*

Thanks guys :) Hope you are having a better time.

Let me know how you are keeping.

So much love to both you Dee and you Lexy. You are such fantastic, supportive people. Post back!!

Love Mols xXx 

hey sweetheart,

thank you so much for your post!!

both I think. I've never been very good eating large amounts of food in one go, but they won't let me have snacks as they want someone with me at mealtimes and don't think that I will have the snacks if they put them on (which is probably true).

they asked me what I'd be comfortable eating in a day and then added half that again. I really don't think I can eat that amount of calories or that amount of food!

I just can't think of food as medicine at the moment. it seems to have become my enemy yet again. I've started doing what I did when it all started the first time round.

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

*hugs*

lexy -xxx-

I think we all need a good dose of anti depressant or something to cheer us up! I feel your stress too, I know what it's like to feel that everything is bad and nothing is going right... Lexy - it is going to be scary and very very hard at first, but keep up the good work, if you need further support I would definitely recommend a day patient care as it takes a lot of the pressure out of your hands... as they make the meals and you HAVE to eat them, and it takes away all that choice that can sometimes leave you confused and reaching for low cal options. Maybe ask a parent to take complete control of your plan, and only allow you to have a small amount of say, maybe if someone could eat the meals with you it would help you gain a sense of normality back in your life? Mols - hunny, poor thing, i hate those kind of days, and why do you hate your dog!! And don't worry hun, I never had my own car to learn in, and was on 1 lesson a week, but trust me, be patient, and it will come in time (says the girl who passed on her 4th test, driving tests were not my forte!) I am driving now, and, had a sexy sporty car while I was working, had to give it up though, bloody student life, doesn't allow the kind of expenditure my car was costing! Anorexia sucks, but at least knowing that we hate her, allows us to see that she is bad and not good, and separates her from us, meaning that she is not part of who WE are, we are good people, and she is an evil witch who needs to return to Oz. I was looking back at some old pics of me and I had huge boobs, damn ana, she took them away! I worked hard for those! Hehehe! Hope you guys feel better soon, Always here if needed! Toodle pip! Dee xxx

 Hi Dee darling.

Thank you very much for you kind words! It was great to just let it all out and not give a care!! I wouldn't have minded if you hadn't replied, all my stress and anger just went into overload and just came spilling out!!

I am feeling a lot better today thanks. Partly because its Friday and... well, just because.  lol - I hated my dog last night because he was being the biggest pain in the backside! I was home alone and he was hungry, so I fed him. Then he was thirsty, so I gave him water. Then he wanted to go out. Then come back in. And out. And in. And then he escaped and I had to go and get him. Then when I came out from my room, I found he had gone through the rubbish bin in the kitchen and there was rubbish all over the floor. I picked it all up and smelt so bad... I told him to lie down, but he kept just barking and barking and I had such a headache... I just broke down and cried!! And THEN he lay down and went to sleep!! Ugh. Hes okay tonight though.

The car thing is really bothering me! I know its such a stupid thing to get worked up about, but I've been saving for a car for 3 years and now I find the insurance is sky high as I'm only 16 still. I just want a little polo to practice in or something crap!! I'm not fussy... we live 2 miles from the nearest bus stop, so either mum drops me there (and complains the whole way there!) or I walk (it takes 3/4 of an hour). If I had a car to practice in, then I could pass my test asap and then... well... drive. A guy in my year who turned 16 in Septemeber passed on Tuesday! He's the first one in our year. I've been driving for a month now!!

How are you anyway sweetie? Are you feeling good or not so good? Are you feeling better about the whole weight gain thing? Be positive and keep smiling!!!

Once again thanking you for your kind words and support!!

Lots of love

Mols xXx

Mols - awww sweetheart!!! *hugs*

just read your post from yesterday. glad you are feeling better today though.

have just had a major binge and just want to cry, but am going to watch my brother in his GCSE drama performance in about 5 mins and so hopefully will be cheered up!

take care sweetheart,

dee - I'm still so far from having any motivation, and the person who was supposed to be coming with the meal plan missed our appointment (secretly I'm quite pleased). having ana - it really has taken a hold again

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Lex - Hows it going sweetheart? Feeling any better?

Dee - Are you surviving day care? Are things any easier?

Love to both of you!

Mols xXx

hey sweetheart,

not going on meal plan now as I told her I have no motivation to do it and so she said there wasn't much point. she's going to send me some self-esteem stuff through the post though which I think will be quite helpful.

been getting kind of close to a guy which has been quite nice, but hey who knows what will happen

let me know how you are doing sweetheart!!!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

 There's a guy on the scene?! Good for you girl!!! I am so jealous of you! lol! Hope things improve on that front for you!!! I, too, met a lovely guy at a party the other day, but turns out he was interested in my friend instead . He told her she liked him, but she turned him down. She can't see him as she already has a boyfriend. She said I should go for him instead, but I don't wan't her leftovers... grrr!! *fingers crossed for you sweetie*

Shame about your meal plan, but I guess its the right thing to do if you didn't feel ready to begin it.

I'm a little nervous about a my prom in 3 weeks time. There is a 3 course meal which is the first glitch on the horizon!! My head of year is going to be there and I know it sounds stupid, but I hate eating infront of her. I have this phobia of her seeing me eat and at break  or lunch when we are in the cantine and she is walking round, I don't eat until she has left. Now I am allowed to go downtown at lunch so she can't see me. I just feel like if she sees me eating, then she will win. I don't know what she's got to win, but when I was at my lowest weight, she called my mum up to report it. I know it is such a wrong thing to think, but I like to think that if she sees me not eating, then she will think I am still ill. Its a very stupid way to think. I hope I don't sound like anymore of a headcase than I usually do, but I'm sure she will be watching me at the prom and if she sees me eating then it will seem like she has won. Grrr...

Anyway, thats the prom dilemma... lol. I've got 3 weeks to get over it, so I'd better start now!!

Best wishes and support, Lexy!! Keep me updated on this new guy!!!

Love Mols xXx

hey sweetheart!!

oh yes!!  I hope things improve on that front for me as well sweetie lol!!!

awww, bless you sweetheart!! I'm sure there are better people out there for you!! he doesn't know what he's missing out on!!

it doesn't sound stupid at all sweetheart! I can't eat when I'm at school as I think that people will see it as a weakness. I know that it is not and to see it as one is wrong, but that's how I feel at the moment.

my head of year was the first person to know anything about my eating, and fortunately she is incredibly understanding as she works with people with addictions and eating disorders and so has not tried to push me, but has been there for me.

I sure shall keep you updated!!!

let me know how tthings are going,

*hugs and kisses*

lexy -xxx-

Hey guys,

Mols - I know what you mean about the head of year seeing you eat, I hate people who have seen me ill, at my lowest weight, see me eating, I feel that they will think I am fine, and for some reason I have a real problem with that, maybe I like, in someway, the fact that with anorexia, I get nutured and cared for in a child like way, and I don't want to have the responsibiltiy in a sense of looking after myself...

But this is not a normal way of thinking, I think someway we need to think about the other people around us, and see them eat and think if they can do it, then why can't I! That's what I try to think anyway! It doesn't always work, but the idea is there!

Lexy - good luck with the new boy on the seen, fingers crossed for you, it is really nice to have someone who you can really trust, be it a friend or a boyfriend...  And for the meal plan, maybe keep it with you, and work through the self esteem issues, maybe set yourself a star chart, and reward yourself with a non food related treat if you reach certain goals. Mols - I know what you mean with your situation, I've been in that way too, where I've liked someone but they didn't like me in that way, it was back in school now though... it hurts... but try and see it as fate, the right person will come along, and maybe he wasn't the man for you!

I've been at day care today, and trust me, I feel SO stressed... I just find it so hard to accept that weight gain is going to cure all my depression and anxiety, I just, at the moment, can't see it getting any better... I know this is not the case in reality, but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place... but I'm still eating, bring on the meals! xxx

Goooooooood evening gurlies!!

I had written you a loevly long letter but when I went to submit it, the internet "could not display the webpage", so I lost everything I had written. So here goes attempt number 2...

So, how are you both? Been up to anything much?

Lex... I hope that things with you and this guy go well. Maybe if you two get together, then you will feel better about yourself and it will take your mind of things. I've always thought how nice it would be to have someone who loves you just simply for who you are and how you are... someone who respects you and loves every single thing about you!! Thats why I am so pleased for you sweetie. Its nice that you have a HOY like that, its good she knows about ED's and addiction etc. Mine doesn't really know about those sort of things because (as far as I know) I am the only one in my year who has battled an ED. I would love to be able to talk to her about it, but unfortunately I don't have the confidence to go. She's too nosy anyway - only 3 weeks until I am free of her!!! Hope all is going well sweetie x

Dee... you are right - its is very much the fear that people will see you eating and assume you are fine. For me, its not so much that nuturing and caring I get from having an ED, but more the worry that people will think I was doing it for attention. A lot of people think eating disorders are attention-seeking. At the beginning of mine, I overheard my mum on the phone to my aunty telling her that she thought thats what it was. It was very upsetting to hear that as I thought out of all the people, she could be the one I could trust. I guess not though. I don't want that to happen again.

I'm over that guy now and to be honest I really don't care anymore. I'm tired of always being upset about stupid things like that. It does bother me that I am never the one they like out of my social group and even more so that my friend who he liked already has a boyfriend (I mean, why does she need two?!)... I worry sometimes that its because I'm not pretty enough, funny enough, thin enough, flirty enough... because I'm a red-head or maybe because I've got an ED?? Guys don't want girls who order salads and mineral water do they or the same thing every time? Unfortunately though, thats me!!

Day care sounds hard. Your depression and anxiety will not be cured by gaining a couple of pounds, however it will decrease a signnificant amount! Obviously there will always be those thoughts and feelings that ED bring along with them, but you just have to learn to ignore the voice inside your head and do the opposite!! Yes darling - bring on the food!!!

I've had an okay day today - went to school (didn't want to as I am having a rather merde time as the french say) and I met my mum for lunch which was nice. It was a little hard as I don't usually eat a lot of lunch, and went back to school feeling uncomfortably full, if not slightly sick. Had Physical Ed though which was fun and then went to the gym after school. I hadn't been for just over a week, so I was quite ****, but I still felt better for it! There was only one minor problem this evening in the means of dinner because as mum was working tonight, she didn't have time to cook, so we went to a fast food restuarant instead. I hate them, but was not in the mood to argue, especially as she had let me go to the gym. So, we went and I don't know whether it was because I had just been exercising or what, but I was so hungry that my meal alone wasn't enought for me, so I had something else when I got home. I felt horrible, but I guess it was just my body's way of telling me that my meal wasn't enough. Ah well.

Anyway... had yearbook photos taken today... boring... more revision to do... boring... thought of school again tomorrow... boring... I need so excitement in my life!!!

Hope you two are both happy and doing well. Hope everything is going okay eating-wise too.

Lots of love,

Mols xXx 

heya girlies!!

thanks to both of you!! I hope things work out with this guy as well!

dee - sorry to hear that you are finding day care difficult sweetheart! you are doing so well though!! don't forget how far you have come!!

keep going sweetheart!!

you know where I am if you ever need me!!

mols - I'm doing okay. had a HUGE argument withmy best friend and ended up on the phone to my therapist for an hour because I felt so down, but hopefully we can sort things out.

I've been doing rehearsal after rehearsal for my drama exam on monday and am just about to go finish learning my lines!

binged so much today, but hey  ... tomorrow is another day!

you're generally right about the guys sweetheart which is why I told this guy from the beginning so that he knew from the start the sort of person I am like. we have nothing to be ashamed of and hiding it from people will only make it worse in the long run and harder for us to recover.

hope you are both doing okay??

keep me updated,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey sweetie!

Sorry its taken me so long to reply... I have just been so so busy (school, work etc)

I am so sorry to hear you've fallen out with your friend. Have you tried to speak to her since? I mean, if it was her fault then she should be the one to make the first move, but I mean, you were right in talking to your therapist. I hope they helped you.

Oooo!!! How did your exam go today? Did you manage to learn all your lines? What was your part in the production? Hope all went well.

How have you been since your binge? I mean, that was Thursday right? Like you said, everyday is a new day! Time to start afresh!!

Things okay with this guy? What did he say when you told him about your ED? Its the best thing to do to tell them from the start, then they know and can make up their own mind. I hope he makes the right choice!

I am doing okay. Not great, but not bad. I have been chosen to do a charity modelling shoot. I am very excited as I have wanted to do modelling for so long, but I am now a little worried about the clothes I am modelling. You'll never guess what it is...

... beachwear... I think that is bikinis and swimming costumes and basically, very little... I am having a little stress about it. I mean Then everyone might see my body. I know its a stupid thing to fret over, as I've wanted to model so badly for so long, but now all I can think is how much I can go tot the gym  to tone up and how much I should eat as to not gain anymore... I should be looking forward to it, but I am just panicking now.

Apart from that, I am feeling a little stressed about school. I have my french speaking exam next tuesday and I've only learned half of what I'm suppose to. I have art assignments due in and revision for other lessons too.

Drvining was once again bad this week. So bad infact, I was close to tears, but managed to hold them in until I got home where I just let it all out about how I couldn't do hill starts. Silly, eh? Anyway, hopefully better luck next week!

I hope you are keeping well hunny. Please post back and keep me updated!

Lots of love,

Mols xXx