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The is the story of a girl, or what's left of a girl, with a dark secret; she longs to be free. Continuously she searches for an answer, an escape, but it seems as though her voice is never heard. She often disappears into her own imagination and flies away to a fantasy world where life is beautiful, as is she. She knows where her life is headed and her entire existance is harmonious. But then reality hits and the pain is unbearable, the guilt overwealming, the sadness unbreakable and the strength of it's grasp immortal.
This girl is a lost soul and her life is a jigsaw. All she needs is someone to rescue her and put the pieces back as one. In this other world she is special, she has the ability to make a difference. Perhaps she already possesses these qualities but it is so hard for her to see, as this terrible shadow is cast upon her presence, her being. Despite the misery it has caused her loved ones and herself, she is reluctant to let it go. She has turned to it in times of need, used it as a cry for help, and the question she constantly asks herself is "Who will I be without it, what will fill the void?" She is participating in an everlasting war with her own troubled mind.
How can she trust what other tell her and put faith in their words when she has been living by her own rules, following her personal beliefs for all this time? She feels as though she is invincible, that she can survive without the bare necessities of life. Truth is, she cannot. She forever perceives herself as an outcast and believes in the abscence of something greatly important deep within her, but she is only human, no matter how unusual she feels she is. For too long she has felt so alone, lonely, isolated, and it seems as though her body is too large for the small person trapped inside, just dying to break free. But although she is suffering, enduring more hurt than she can bear, she battles on, as exhausting as it may be. She is a fighter. She is strong. She can beat it and she will beat it. Her name is Anna.
I hope this helps other sufferers struggling with coming to terms with their eating disorder and recovery, but know YOU CAN BEAT IT!!!!!
By Anna-Louise
We have started this off for you - why not carry on and try challenging some more of your negative thoughts?
| Negative thought | Positive thought |
| "I can't give up my eating disorder" | "I can beat my eating disorder!" |
| "I'm not worth it" | "I deserve to be happy and healthy." |
| "Getting better means getting fat" | "Getting better means being free of this" |
| "What's the point? I've tried everything" | "Recovery can be tough but I will get there" |
By Heather (beat Ambassador)
This is a powerful piece of writing from Lauren who has found the strength to tell her eating disorder that she is going to fight. Lauren says "I would like to help all the other people that are trying to battle with an eating disorder and don't feel like they are winning. I want them to know that you can!"
To Golem (the evil voice that lives in my head),
For a little while you looked cute and fluffy. A cuddly, happy being that helped me to cope with difficulties in my life. You made me promises that you kept. You told me that you could make me thinner and that that would make me happier. For a little while that was true and I enjoyed your company.
But that didn’t last long. Soon, nothing I did was good enough for you. My achievements no longer satisfied you. I couldn’t face the thought of losing you and I still trusted you, so I worked a little harder to please you. I was looking at you through rose tinted glasses and was willing to sacrifice everything for you, even my own happiness, because I believed that you would make me happy again, like you had before.
Still that wasn’t enough for you. I started to see a different side to you. You didn’t look so cuddly and attractive anymore. I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends with you. I wanted you to leave me alone. I tried to tell you politely to go away and when that didn’t work I tried to run away and hide from you. But the harder I tried to move away the closer you lingered to me. You said you just wanted to watch over me, but now I know you just wanted to continue you’re bullying and trickery. I wasn’t always strong enough to fight your persistence so sometimes I let you boss me around and I obeyed your commands.
But finally I have seen you for what you really are. An ugly, deceitful, evil liar. I even call you Golem. This letter is simply to tell you that I hate you with every inch of myself and I am going to ignore you until you p*** off and die (hopefully a very painful death). I hope it makes you sad to think that not a single person in the world is going to miss you or mourn your death. I know that my family and my real friends are going to celebrate it! It has taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to say this to you because part of me didn’t want to upset you and lose you. But now I see that you were never my friend and from the moment we met your plan has been to kill me. You are nothing more than a murderer.
I know that you are going to try and convince me that I don’t really mean these words and I think you genuinely believe that you can get me back on your side again. I want you to know that I will never listen to you again. The pain you have caused me is unforgivable. My only wish would be that you were solid so that I could kill you myself. Rot in hell.
Lauren
I found and am finding recovery very difficult I have good days and I have bad days. My bad days are when I feel depressed and I feel like I'd not want to live anymore and find it very difficult to eat. My good days are when I don’t think about that I am eating and I just focus on my day ahead me, and think to myself I am here be grateful. But of course I have anorexia it is most likely I think and worry about food at least once a day most of the time more. But this is all part of recovery.
Tips:
Paige
By Rachel
One of our ambassadors has written a piece on how she feels about the future and how there is hope. Download it below.
"im feel bad tho cus i binged n purged first time in 5 months yesterday im so angry at myself"
"i understand you being angry with yourself but don't let it set you back. Try to work out what caused it to happen and figure out how to deal with it differently next time"
"aww dont be so hard on your self, not doing it for 5months is amazing!"
"i feel such a faliure tho - i felt so low n wen i do i make stupid descions... i dunt even kno y i lost so much control it just took over n i feel so discusted i hav let myself down n my family"
"dont be so hard on yourself, try and think of the things your achieving (cnt spell) like not purging in 5months rather than the negitive things"
"Hey don't be so hard on yourself, maybe you need to be a bit kinder to you. You haven't let anyone down, you are recovering and it can be tough."
"im so lost, dno who i am anymore!"
"i kno i just feel the past 2 days ive completely lost my way in recovery and lost the fings keepin me strong"
"How about having a good write down of all the things you like, the things you enjoy etc, things that you don't like....soon you will get a picture of who you are."
"ye tht sounds cool - i hav a foto album of me b4 n durin the ED took over n pics of me wid great frends doin all the stuff i love n then hav a book ful of all my fave songs n films tht make me happy n just positives ive achieved - even like winnin one race in primary skool or getin a special stiker for spellings - i looked at them last nyt wen i was down"
"Im very positive too at the mo thanks! do you mind me asking has something in particular helped you?"
"i find that after you get past a certain point you realise that weight isn't everything"
"um just i fink therapoy has finally made me see fings for reality n tht n i guess - well dun
for feelin positiv - thts gd u feel ok abiut it cus it is ok to gain weifght and tht ur able to control it a bit more"
"i think the scariest bit of recovery was imagining life without the eating disorder"
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