lexy xXx

hey sweetie!!

awww hunni, you're welcome!

I don't want to move on to adult services either =(. I like my therapist and have only really seen her for about 4 weeks, so really don't feel ready to change.

things aren't great tbh. I'm hiding things from my mum even more than I used to (I've started abusing laxatives and seem to have got addicted pretty quickly = / ). I find it quite hard to talk to her because of her depression, and also because what is happening to me is following pretty much the same pattern as what has happened to her for many years and I don't want her to think that it is all her fault if that makes sense?

I don't know how things are going ed wise tbh, I'm soooo confused!!! I don't know what is happening anymore and I don't know what I want!!

let me know how things are going for you sweetie!!

take care,

love always,

lexy -xxx-

hey hun

sorry for the late reply , i hav no idea why its taken so long i guess i ve just been waiting for my mood to be ok so i dont feel like i m writing under rubbish

its horrible when u feel so confused is nt it, my step mum used to blame herself for my ED as it came about the same time she moved it ...so i know how u feel u dont wanna blame anyone, people used to ask why i developed my ED and i just dont know...i ve got some ideas but nothing i can blame it on so to speak

i became addicted to laxitives pretty quick but managed to give them up after a 6 week stay inpatient in november...it can make u feel really uneasy giving them up at first but its better in the long run the earlier u do it

i got abook called getting better bit(e) by bit(e) which really helped its aimed more at bulimia but i did find it quite useful

glad u like your therapist i went through 3 b4 this one so i think its definalty important to get on with one of them

sorry if u think i ve rambled on how things now?? good easter??

wb lottie

xxxx

hey sweetheart,

no worries about the late reply =)

I might have a look for that book. do you know who it's by??

I'm not too bad thanks - have been out most days this week and my anti-depressants have been upped so I haven't felt quite so down.

my easter was okay I guess. I've got a few friends coming over to watch a few films on saturday which should be good fun.

how are things going for you hunni?? why do you think you've been feeling so low sweetie?

how was your easter??

hope you're okay hunni,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hi hun

o i cant remember who the books by i ll def hav a look tho its in my room somewhere and right now my bedroom is a mess

glad u hav sumin to look forward to like seeing your friends, i met up with mine today it was proper girly, coffee and the endless conversations bout clothes telly boyfriends you know like everything with the odd cute picture take, which is nice i used to be so worried about being in photos but i guess its not so bad

i hav no idea why i get so low everyday this week has been binging and purging but today has been ok i managed to eat a little bit , and being out with friends has done me some good

easter were nt that good i managed to hold off  ** for a few days but then they i binged and ate loads of them in one go ...never mind tho even tho its hard i guess i just have to forget about it...not let it bring me down

i m feeling quite positive today YAY !!

wb hope ur having fun out and about

xxxxxx

awww sweetheart I'm so happy for you!!

I'm really glad you enjoyed your time out with the girlies hunni.

I did exactly the same at easter lol - doesn't help that my dad decided he wanted to buy me a huge one as he hadn't seen me for so long.

have been feeling pretty drained and negative today, but have no idea why. might be because of my tablets =/

oh well - hopefully tomorrow will be better.

met up with an old friend that I haven't seen for over a year and a half yesterday and we went for a wander and a catch up which was lovely.

keep in touch sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

heya

glad u enjoyed your catch up with your friend...how come you had nt seen her in so long??

stay positive i know its hard, but tomorrow really is another day...i found out who the books buy i mentioned its by  janet treasure

also hope your feeling alittle bit happier now... i dyed my hair over the weekend but i found out i hav to wear glasses i ve picked them out and i m goin to pick them up today but i m a little nervous about wearing them around friends etc as i do look really different and feel self concious

sorry hun i really do seem to rant abit when posting to u

xxxx

lol, aww bless you sweetheart!!

rant away, I'm more than happy to be your sounding board

thanks for the author of the book btw.

I hadn't seen my friend as we had a bit of a fall out before she moved schools and have only just really started speaking again since I am able to stand up for myself a little bit more ... long story!

I bet you look fab in the glasses hunni!! I've always wanted glasses, but then I guess I'm a bit of a freak

hope you're okay sweetie,

let me know things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

how wierd what you said about your friend

me and my best friend fell out just before i moved schools ( moved cuz got bullied for ED ) and i ve seen her around and sometimes she says we shud meet up and sort things out but i still dont hav the guts to go and say what i really think

my friends liked my glasses... i m sure your not a freak darling and any way i prefer peole who are nt afraid to stand from the crowd and dress different ..one of my best friends looks amazing in the clothes she wears, but i no i could never do it, i m still not brave enough to wear these bright pink tights i bought...

i hav a therapy appiontment today which i hav to go 2 as i missed a good few recently it ll be hard and i m worrie

wb

xxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetheart!

glad your friends like your glasses!!

I'm sure you'll know when the time is right for you and your friend to start talking again hunni.

pink tights!! sound cool!!

let me know how the therapy appointment goes sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

heya

therapy was horrible really it was......she said i may need to go inpatient as she is worried about my mood and chest pains etc...so shes gonna hav a word with my doctor and my parents hav to ring the hospital ...ergh i m not even under weight !!

so that was therapy

anyhu its super sunny today so i think i may just sit outside with my ipod and be lazy ...hehe

hows your therapy going??

wb darling

xxxxxx

awww sweetheart!

haven't really had any for the past couple of weeks. am really struggling at the moment though.

it has been a really nice day today and I was quite happy until I came home =(

let me know how things are sweetheart.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey chick

sorry that your struggling you know i m here if u need me...what happened when u got home darlin??

i had a huge binge last night i went out bought loads and came home ate all that and more.....was so tired and did nt wanna hurt my chest or stomach even more so i did nt purge so yeah feeling really drained today....mentally and physically

wb hun lotsa love

lottie xXxXx

well done for not purging sweetheart!!! you should be so proud of yourself!!

nothing really happened as such when I got home, but I've been realising more and more lately just how horrible the atmosphere at home is. everyone is so stressed out and we're all taking it out on each other,me included, when we should be sticking together to get through the things that are going on at the moment.

let me know how you are next time you're on sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey hunny sorry its taken so long to reply...i ve had such a horrible week

my dad and stepmum hav seperated for a bit..kinda worrying me , i got told by the doctors i hav low pottasium because of purging , i ve self harmed this week is just going awful hun

i know you said you and your family hav been taking stuff out on eashother hav u spoken about whats going on??

ergh i hav to go swimming this week and i feel so fat and now i ve self harmed its gonna be even worse

sorry for the rant wb xxxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

no worries!

things haven't been going great for me either. ana has taken a hold. I don't want to eat at all. I don't want to recover. I'm meant to be going on a meal plan on saturday and I just want to burst into tears every time I think about it.

I went on the live chat on monday and the moderator said I should ring the beat helpline, and I have rung them before and found them helpful but am just too scared - I don't know what I want to say.

my best friend is being really funny with me as well. she said something to me last night - don't know if this will get edited out. but she basically turned round and said 'so you're just going to pretend to everyone around you that everything's fine whilst you starve yourself to death.' of all the people I know I thought she would be the last person to say something like that.

sorry this was so depressing sweetheart

what's worrying you about your mum and stepdad sweetheart??

let me know how swimming goes,

take care sweetheart,

*hugs*

lexy -xxx-

hey babes

you really hav to try with this meal plan i know o to well how hard it is , just take it a little bit at a time dont rush into everything at once ...

i ve thought about ringing the helpline before but i ve always been to scared, so i dunno what to suggest as that my main problem with it like what do i say ??

but hun i m sure lots of girls on the board will hav rung maybe they could help u out a little bit with that side of things...some of my friends used to make comments like that but honest i m sure she did nt mean it in a nasty way alot of my friends just said they were frustrated as they were seeing some one they care about going thro so much and there s not much they can do to help.....i hope that made sense

it just worries me that my dad and stepmum are like not together right now kind of on a break i hat ethe thought of not having her around because since my mum died shes kind of been that sort of a role model

so swimming is later today so i probs wont post about it till friday well tomorrow lol.i m so nervous as hav binged and gained some weight so mmh i m really scared that i ll look disgusting, but my boyfriends coming with me to hold my hand ( as he put it ) so i guess that will make it a bit easier

dont worry about seeming depressing we all need to vent sometime

xxxx

hey sweetheart,

I rang the helpline last night in the end and I just said 'I don't really know what to say' and they were really enouraging and managed to get me to open up a little. if you ever find the courage sweetheart I suggest you call them up.

I had individual therapy today and I told her everything that had happened over easter, my lack of motivation, and then I had to show her my food diary. even though she didn't say much, just stated that I had gone from bingeing to restricting once again and explained what had happened when I had first seen her and was quite underweight, I found her incedibly supportive.

even though your dad and stepmum are not together at the moment are you still ale to talk to her about things?

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

hey sweety

i m not really talking to my stepmum at the minute, just because i dont really know what to say , and she left so i m with my dad so yep she aint around much at the mo

i m glad u found your therapist supportive ...i saw mine the other day sometimes i find her supportive other times i think she makes me feel quite stupid with my ED

so i went swimming after about an hour of crying with boyfriend that i was scared everyone would think i was fat etc

but i eventually got there swam and felt alot better for it so i m treating myself today , i m trying to save money but i may go into town and buy myself alil prezzie hehe oh and yesterday i did nt binge for the first time in a week !!!! YAY me

wb lots of love

xxxxx

hey sweetheart,

well done you!!

really sorry to hear that you're not talking to your stepmum much at the moment though sweetheart.

I know that this is wrong to think but the woman who was supposed to be bringing my meal plan missed our appointment today and so I'm going to be seeing her tuesday and I'm really glad she didn't come.

have kind of been asked on a date as well, although nothing is set in concrete yet, but I'm quite excited!

let me know how you are doing,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

yay a date i d be exited too

well my dad and stepmum are officially seperated, i ve tried talking to her but yeah she was nt that interested.... i had my first go at driving a car as i m 17 next week which was scary

this morning i turned up half hour late to therapy because of problems with the bus and yep just like u i was happy as i had less time...

so yep thats me,

nice weekend ??

xxx

awww sweetheart!! *hugs*

my weekend was okay thankyou, and yours??

had a session with just me and my mum this morning which was a little awkward but quite helpful in a strange way lol.

how was the driving sweetheart??? I'm 18 in June and still haven't set foot anywhere near a car lol.  when's your birthday sweetie?? doing anything nice??

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

my birthdays next week i dont really have any plans my boyfriends taking me shopping...so yeah someone to carry my bags

driving was possibly the scariest thing eva hehe so yeah today i ve had such an urge to bing but i m managing to hold off a big binge.

this week is quite boring so yeah lack of things probably wont help ED but considering this time last week i was so scared of swimming i m really enjoying it

any plans for this week ??

lots of love

xxx

lol, yay!!! every girl loves a bit of shopping!!!

well done for resisting the urge to binge sweetheart!! I had the worst binge I've had in a long time last night, but I'm no longer going on the meal plan as I said I wasn't motivated to do it and so she said that there wasn't much point.

just a lot of rehearsals as I have my drama exam on monday, and working.

I went out with the guy on sunday afternoon and really enjoyed. also spoke to a friend today who said he'd been asking her about me  ended up in tears due to something that had happened and he look concerned, bless him!!

take care sweetheart!!

let me know how things are going!

lexy -xxx-

hehe i did even more shopping today hun new shoes underwear, and to new tops

i m havin such an awful week first i was trying so hard not 2 binge now i  just cant eat at all and am restricting and ergh i m so tired

good luck with your drama exam...

o this guy must really like u hun, i m glad u enjoyed yourslef eith him...do ur friends know about your ED??

wb darling

loads love lottie xxx

hey sweetheart!!

yay!! I've put even more clothes by at work as well lol! never mind, 40% off at the end of next week!

yeh my friends know about my ed (has caused quite a few arguments this week). the guy knows about it as well. it's one of the first things I told him about, and then he asked me to meet up with him after he knew about my ed.

awwww *hugs* sorry to hear that things have gone downhill for you sweetheart. I was on the phone to my therapist for nearly an hour this afternoon due to a HUGE argument with my best friend which resulted in her saying that she didn't know if she could be there for me anymore, but am now feeling a lot more positive.

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

heya

sorry this be a rant hunny i just need to vent

so yeasterday i went to see the ED nurse and some of the stuff she said got me really like worked up and i left her appiontment to go to one at the hospital but i binged on the way up there on loads and turned up having a full blown panic attack i could nt talk and all i could say was how i wanted to be on my own so i could make myself sick and cut myslef for bein so stupid so yeah they ended up calling my dad becaus e i was nt fit enough to be on my own

so ergh horrible day ....then i got home and ate even more

glad ur feeling more positive....my birthday this week yay xxxxx

hey sweetheart,

awww hunni!! *hugs* please don't apologise for ranting sweetie! I'm going to be doing it too

I have been bingeing loads as well sweetheart and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel so low. I have lost my best friend due to my ed and depression and just don't know where to turn or who to talk to =(

what day is your birthday on hunni?? hope you have a fab day!!

love you loads,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

my birthdays on thursday

bingings horrible aint it hun...hav u tried talking to your friend it might help ...hopefully my birthday will be good , i had therapy again today and it was truely horrible....

u no u can always talk on here if u need to

let me no if things are betta hun

loads of love

lottie

xXxXx

awww, yay!! =D

today has been even worse!! I can't even explain why but it has just been awful!

I hope you have a fab birthday if I don't manage to get online tomorrow as I am out all day and so probably won't get the chance =(

*sending you mahussive birthday hugs and kisses*!!!

love you loads!!

lexy -xxx-

i had the most brilliant birthday i got my nose pierced and then today ( friday ) i ve been shopping with all the money i got.i got some really nice clothes yay !!

bad news tho i m back on the laxitives.....i just cant help taking them.....oh and also this week i kind of broke down and told my parents about all this abuse and stuff that happened whan i was younger and they cried but then said nothing more about it ...so i think i m gonna hav to talk to professionals about it which is sooooooooo scary

* loads of hugs *

hope your awful day got betta

loads love

xxxxxxxxxx

=D soo glad you had a good birthday sweetheart!

its good that you have noted that although you are taking the laxatives this is not a good thing.

awww hunni *hugs* sorry to hear about the abuse. I really hope you find the strength to talk to the professionals as I am sure it will really, really help you.

not really, but never mind!

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey babes

i had to hav bloods and heart tracing done yesterday so yeah never a good sign when u need all that doing....thanx 4 the hugs i seem to be getting alot of them lately, and thanx for always being around to listen to me rant and rave about stuff *big big hugs*

i told the professionals like basics about it like how old i was the nature of , but i dont feel ready to go into detail its really hard to talk about it seeing as a family friend was involved

so how are things with you darling?? and the depression sweety ??

wb

xxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

awww, bless you hunni! I'm sure it will all be fine.

you're welcome! any time!

that's understandable, and its great you were able to tell them some things, even if not in great detail.

eating could be better. depression is really bad. had a couple of days where I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, and didn't manage to go to college yesterday because of it. =(

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

aww hunny i ve had a horrible day i fainted in town and it was so embarrasing but i got a taxi home..and i ve slept a bit

i totally understand the depression mines been real bad this week too i just dont feel like doing anything

i guess it will get easier to talk about things in time

are u on anti depressents??

wb xxxx

awww sweetheart!! you okay now??

yeh, I am, they've already upped them once already though, and I don't really want them to up them again. =(

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

i m feeling a little better now thanx...just really struggling with tthe eating side of things and am restricting quite a bit

are there like different anti depressents you can try ?? i dunno i was told i was nt suitable for them

have u managed to go  into college yet ?? hope so ..hang in there hun xxx

*hugs* you'll get there in time - I promise sweetheart =)

yeh, my mum is on different anti-depressants to me, but I don't know - I've got to go see my doctor for a check-up soon anyway and so will see what he says.

yeh, I managed college, but literally the lessons I had to go in for and then came straight home and straight back to bed =(

let me know how you are doing gorgeous,

take care,

lexy-xxx-

at least you manged the lessons thats such an effort in itself and i m so proud of you for doing it

i saw the mental health nurse today ...i felt like crying all the way through obv shes concerned that i fainted so yeah i have to go back to the hospital on tuesday to be chaecked AGAIN !! why do EDs make life so hard??

anyhu i m going swimming today so i ve been looking forward to that like all week

how are things at home?? with your mum etc

xxxxxx

hey sweetheart,

did you have a good time swimming hunni??

things are okay, just a little stressful. my nan was totally out of her head today (she is an alcholic) which made my mum a little more stressed and the whole atmosphere more tense.

let me know how you are doing gorgeous,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

swimming was ok it was nice to do something normal...my brothers an alcoholic so yeah i know how stressful that can be spesh when they are already on the drink at breakfast

i ve been quite ill this week since the fainting thing but i m trying my best to stay positive

hope ur having a nice 3 day weekend xxx

hey sweetheart,

not really. been crying, having panic attacks, migraines, terrible binges =(

glad the swimming was okay,

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

aww i really hope things get better for you hunny i hate the thought of you feeling so low..

things my end are pretty rubbish to i ve been restricting alot and hav lost a bit of weight quite quick...i feel so tired like all the time, its horrible..

does crying make u feel better?? sometimes when i cry i feel better after

wb darling xxxx

hey sweetheart,

crying makes me feel better briefly, but unfortunately not for long.

I just hate everything at the moment =(

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey hun really quick post

i ve had to go inpatient with ED depression and SH after a really tough time the last week

wont be on  much sorry xx

awww sweetheart!!!!*hugs*

am thinking of you, and I love you sooooo much!!!

you can win hunni, because you are a strong and gorgeous woman.

take care gorgeous and drop us a post when you can,

lexy -xxx-