nobody deserves this

Hey i don't think we talked before but anyway....

i was wondering if you could give me any tips on how you got over you ed? I'm still really struggling.

thanks

 xxx

hey hunni,

not sure if I've spoken to you before or not?? I have an incredibly bad memory lol!!

sooo glad that you have managed to beat this illness sweetie!!

hearing of people who have managed to overcome an ed always gives me a lot of hope as I sometimes feel as though things will never get better as I seem to just be going round in circles and have done for quite a few years.

thanks for you inspiring post hunni!!

love always,

lexy -xxx-

hey again

thanks for all your replies. nice to know people are trying to get better and not just letting it take over. you are all so brave *hugs*

here are some tips for recovery...

1. well first i thought about what i could do after i had gotten better...some of  mine were to to not have to be so ashamed of my body when i go swimming etc, and just be happy and not have so much worry  al the time and esspecily to make my famiy and freinds proud. the last one was the main one.i wrote all these down and stuck it on my mirror, so whenever i looked in the mirror and feet bad about my body i could read that and feel stronger. i also put insiring notes on my mirror, that helped a little bit too.

1. my therapist told me to do this every night- write down a list of what the voice had said that day- ussaly a lot for me- and then underneath what i can argue back, which is the truth. then when the voice goes to say something the next day, it is a tiny tiny bit weaker because you actuly know it is all lies.
   

1. when you look in the mirror in the morning try to find something nice about yourself, even if it is nothing to do with your figure, such as nice eyes or pretty hair. i was tod it builds your sef esteem.

1. when you have a meal in front of you and you really dont want it, eat what the voice says you are 'allowed' to eat and then just try to eat the tiniest bit more, even if it is just like ******. no matter how small it is, you wil have defied the voice and it wil be easier next time.

i really hope some of this wil help.

even if it just a tiny it better cos of this it wi be worth it cos it is so much better recovered. 

 good luck       xxxxxxxxxx

hey hunni,

thanks for the tips sweetie!! I am definitely going to try some of them!!

luckily I don't have a mirror in my room and I have actually found this quite helpful tbh, but I am definitely going to put inspiring notes around my room though!!!

stay in touch hunni and let me know how things are going!!

lexy -xxx-

 hey

good luck with trying the tips!

yeah i think it is  a great idea to put notes around your room. you coud even try putting some near you scales to remind you how beutiful you are if you look down and get mad at yourself about what it says on the scales.

i wil write more later but i have to go out now

good luck xxxxxxxxxxxx 

hey sweetie,

ty!! I found a fab website with some really nice quotes on it!! I have written them down and am planning to make some little cards with cute piccies on them to go round my room lol.

I can't really put anything by the scales as they are downstairs and used by the rest of my family pretty much everyday and they don't really know everything tbh.

hope you had a good time wherever you were going sweetie,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey again

hoping your ok....tell me how you are getting on with the tips. *hugs* 

i am still ok. even when you are recoverd there is the voice in your head, but it is so much weaker now and i can contol it and eat what i want..so i am doing good.

i was just thinking...why not try putting inspriring notes near your scales? might help you when you weigh yourself.

also um have you told your close freinds? not wanting to sound ike i am nagging you or trying to persuade you to or anything but when i told my freinds they were so supportive and stopped me from breaking down competly. you might want to consider telling your freinds...you might be suprised how much they can make you feel better.   

 one more thing...have you tried listening to some inspiring music?

 it could help with your recovery or as just an escape from it all for a bit.

hope your ok  

 becky  xxxxxxxx

hey hunni,

tbh I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to use the tips. all my friends know about my ed, and whilst they are trying to be supportive I just feel so isolated and alone from them all.

am feeling so down and really fat and disgusting today and my mum is really stressing me out. I don't really know what I want at the mo tbh, I guess just not to feel alone.

I know I have the boards, but I don't know if you ever felt like they're not always enough. yeh they help, but sometimes you actually need to hear someone's voice talking to you if that makes sense?

soz this was such a negative post sweetie.

I'm always listening to music lol - one thing I couldn't live without!!

glad things are still going okay for you hunni,

love always,

lexy -xxx-

hey

im really sorry to hear you are feeling really low. like i said at the beginning, you dont derserve this. *hugs*

i know there are times when it fees like you are completly alone. i geuss its cos no-one else who hasnt had it understands what you are thinking and what the vioce is telling you to do. even so your freinds are going to be there for you and support you as much as they can. i dont know them, but i am sure thats what they will do. us people on the boards wil always be here for you as well. *hugs*

i know what you mean about wanting someone there next to you talking to you though. i wish i could do that but i cant  really sorry you are feeling so low today. why dont you try something to take your mind off it, like having a warm bath or doing a face mask, something to pamper yoursef and remind you how beutiful you really are.

just always remember how beutiful you are and much you deserve to get better.

its ok about it being a negative post btw. thats what the boards are here for

i hope this has made you feel a little bit better about yourself.

write back and tell me how you are

becky xxxxx 

hey sweetie,

*hugs* that was such a sweet post!!

am feeling a little better today. haven't binged which I think has helped my mood a little, but am meant to be going out tonight and don't really want to go. but at the same time I know that by not going I am isolating myself from my friends even more than I have already.

I don't want to go out, but I don't like being at home either. the only place I feel okay is on my own in my room - it's so confusing.

I have so much that I need to be doing, but I just keep avoiding it and so it is piling up, and when I get to the end of the day and realise I haven't done half of what I was supposed to I end up feeling worse.

hope you're okay,

loads of love and hugs,

lexy -xxx-

hey

its great youre feeing better  really happy for you cos you were feeling so bad before.

sorry you have to go out though. when i was bad about food i never wanted to go out, i just wanted to be alone, so i geuss it is the same for you. about isoating yoursef from your freinds-i geuss it  does feel quite bad for you to be kind of disappointing them, but to be honest you shoud  be thinking about you. i dont mean that i a mean way though. its just i think you really deserve to get better cos you are such  a nice person. *hugs*

 sorry this post has been quite short...i will try to maybe write more later.

hoping youre okay

becky xxxxxxx 

awww hunni, that's so sweet of you!!!

I didn't go in the end, but had a couple of friends over to watch a film instead which felt a lot less scary.

I don't think my mum trusts me at all anymore though as I think she has been looking through my stuff, including my food diary in which I have written about my use of laxatives. when I rang my mum on my lunch break she sounded really down and when I asked what was wrong she said she was worried about me and when I came home some of the stuff in my room had been moved around.

take care hunni,

lexy -xxx-

hey

its good you got to stay at home. i bet it felt better just to be with your freinds and relax a bit. better to be with your freinds than with a bunch of people you dont even know that well. (no offence to those people btw).

it must feel horrible to know all your family and freinds are worried bout you, especcily as it probaly feels you cant do much about it. it must also feel bad for it to feel ike nobody trusts you anymore. 

 about your mum- you dont hve to but maybe you could tak to her bout all of this. mabee just to stop her worrying a bit. she will still worry, obviosly, but hopefuly if she feels more involved then she will not worry so much. you dont have to if you dont wnt to, cos i know it is very hard.

im sorry you feel so bad right now. just remeber it will get better some day, and one day you wont be haunted by this. you will be carefree and happy, and able to enjoy life againtrust me. its gonna be okay. *hugs*

tell me how you are. hope your ok 

becky xxxxxxxxx 

hey sweetie,

my mum asked me about purging/taking laxatives and I told her about the laxatives. it didn't go as bad as I thought it would as she even thanked me for telling her as she said that she knew it must have been difficult and I appreciated that.

I don't feel quite so bad as I am having all of them over mine this saturday to watch a few films. I don't know why but I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that we are going to be at my house rather than anyone else's.

thanks so much hunni - your support has been amazing!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey again

well done on talking to your mum! she was right it must have been really scary and you were really brave.

it is really good you are feeling a bit better right now. i am really glad for you :-)

maybe the reason you feel more comfatable round your house is beucuase it is all people you know quite well and you feel more secure with them. that might be it. i dont know lol.

your support has been amazing too.  it makes me feel really good to feel like i am helping someone get free of this *hugs*

 tell me how you are feeling...are the tips a gave you a while ago helping? i hope so. *hugs*

becky xxxxx 

hey sweetheart,

been feeling a little down today =( might just be because they upped my anti-depressants - I remember feel like this when I first started taking the lower dosage. I also feel incredibly fat and disgusting - bigger than I have felt in a long time.

I'm really sorry hunni but I haven't really tried many of the tips tbh. I've made a little book with inspiring messages and pics of me when I was doing activities that I really enjoyed and when I look happy, but I can't bear to look in the mirror, and until today I have been kind of trying to pretend that the voice doesn't exist, but as you can imagine it hasn't worked.

how are you sweetie???

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey again

sorry i am late posting

 dont worry about not really using any of the tips- i know it is hard to even contemplate revovering, let alone try and do something about it. its ok.

its a really great idea about making the little book though. you could try looking through it whenever you feel really fat and disgusting like today. it could help remind you of what you still haVe to recover for,a nd how much you deserve to get better.

i found that i couldentbear to look in the mirror cos in my head i was  fatter each time i looked in the mirror and i just couldent look at myself and hate myself even more.

maybe this is the same for you?  i dont know. but remember, what ever the voice says, it is all lies. trust me. =) that might not really help right now, but still.

im doing ok. over the past few days i have been thinking about food and weight  lot more and i almoost went back into it all again, but i am trying to be really strong and fight it, and it is working, but its really hard. dont worry about me though. i will be ok. as a new years resolution this year i promised myself i wouldent go into all that again, and i am trying really hard not to. i will be ok.

 hope your ok. *hugs* tell me how you are doing.

becky xxxxxxx 

hey sweetheart,

I know what you mean about every time you look in the mirror it makes you feel bigger.

I've been restricting more and more but I told my mum this evening as I know that it is wrong and I feel like she needs to know as I found out in family therapy today that they all think I am eating a lot better, which I'm not.

glad you're doing okay sweetie, but you know where I am if things ever get to much and you just need to rant. you don't need to be strong on here if you don't feel like strong inside sweetheart. sometimes its better to let someone else know how you're feeling - but at the same time I respect the fact you may not want to talk and that's fine as well.

let me know how you are sweetie,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey there, sorry to interrupt but I just wanted to say how inspiring you both are and thanks for the tips =). I'm guna try some. I've had ana for bout 5 n half yrs now and a one point almost reached "normal" weight, then I kinda freaked out and went all the way back to square 1 !

I'm off to Dublin on wed and am scared to death as it will mean a total loss of control over what I eat as will be staying with relatives...will try some of the tips though, thanx .

As for telling your mum stuff, well done! It's the 1st step to standing up to it, and defo for the best as when I started "cheating" people began to expect more and more and I just couldn't do it. Keep going...we'll make it together =)

Stay strong

love katie x

hey

its good youre being honest with your mum. i know it feels bad that it seems like you are lying to everyone and no-one around you knows how you are feeling inside and the real truth about how you are eating. it sounds like you seem to have a really good realationship with your mum though -keep it up!

sorry that you are restricting more.  it must feel bad cos i know you are trying to get better.  i geuss the voice gets mixed up with your r eal feelings and you dont know what to do or eat becuase it seems like the vioce has taken over and you think the voice is your real common sense of how you should eat. is that right? its how it was for me anyway.

 thank you for saying that i can open up and rant to you.

 over the past feel days i have felt like such a failure becouse i feel like everyone around me is disppointed in me for being not being strong enough to remain recovered. they dont know that when you are recoverd you still feel fat and disgusting sometimes, and the voice is still there, (much weaker though), ad it is just now i have actully listened to it and now i am almost back to how i was. i feel like i should be recovered and normal and not let everyone down. i am trying really hard not to let it take over and it is working a bit.

 sorry if i have rambeled on for a bit too long (-:

  how are you?

 becky xxxxx 

no need to apologise sweetheart! interrupt any time if it helps!!

hope becky's tips help for your weekend away in Dublin sweetie!!

I know that the food part of the trip is going to be scary but it may help you to have a change of scenery?

let me know how the weekend goes anyway sweetheart!!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

you're welcome sweetheart!!! any time!!

you haven't gone on too long at all sweetie!!

so things have been a little tough lately, it's not the end of the world hunni. relapse is part of the recovery process unfortunately, as hard as it may be.

when you are having these setback why not try and think about the strength that you have had to come as far as you have. even if you only manage the strength for one day, gradually you will be able to manage more again and you can fully recover sweetheart but it will take a long time. recovery is not an easy process.

I'm okay, have just got back from a friend's house who invited my group of friends round for the evening. am feeling pretty tired but am not sure whether that's because I've been doing too much, having been eating enough or because it's 1 am.

let me know how things are going sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hi back from my travels and glad to be home =). The food bit was soooo hard ended up skipping meals and cutting down which was silly because now it's hard to go back to what i was eating before i went away! My aunt tried hard but made to big a deal out of it really and fussed too much when i just wanted to fade away into the background but the tips did help a little. I just get so frustrated and annoyed with myself, and feel bad on my family .

It annoys me because there are things i want to do and places i want to go but know i won't enjoy it because of ana. I went away in the summer to egypt with my friend, my therapist almost stopped me going but in the end it was agreed i could if my mum came too.

Anyway sorry for blabbering on- how are you both? thanks for the help.

*hugs*

katie x

 hey

this time i really am late replying- went away on a long weekend holiday and only found out about it the day we were going lol. so sorry about that. (=

thank you for the great idea about thinking about my strengh i already have and trying to focus on it. i have been trying to do that and it is helping...i can control the voice more now and it is better so thank you. 

i am feeling a lot better right now. have been really trying to be strong and not let it take over again, which is kind of working, even though it is so hard to do. it is really upsetting to see the effect on my freinds and family, i hate to see all this cos it is making me feel worse and it makes me feel like it is all my fault and sometimes i wonder if i am worth caring about, i have caused this much upset and hassle. but i dont want to get so hung up on all that again, so let talk about you.

 its great you are feeling a bit better. your freinds sound really nice. do you ever talk about your ed with them? it could help you to talk about it with people who are actully there next to you. me and everyone else on the baords are always here for you too. everyone wants you to be better, includng you hopefully. 

 tell me how you are doing.

 hope your ok  xxxxxx 

katie - awww sweetheart *hugs*

I know what you mean about it being hard to get yourself back on track again as the same thing has happened to me over the easter holidays. we just have to remember that life will be so much better without our ed!! and, more importantly, we have the strength and courage to beat this!!

becky - hey sweetheart,

ooo, did you go anywhere nice? enjoy it??

glad you found it helpful!

my friends are pretty amazing. not really - I know they wouldn't mind, it just doesn't feel right for some reason?

I'm really struggling right now. I've relapsed over easter and can no longer seem to find the motivation to recover. I've felt absolutely awful today and am just so down.

*hugs*

take care girlies,

you know where I am if you need me,

lexy -xxx-

yeh i hate easter hols- i know it may seem a lil strange as most people can't wait for them but the i need structure to my day as i get bored real easily. When are you back at college/school , perhaps that will help to give you a focus again? It's not fair though i want so much more 4 u , u should be able to enjoy the hols and experience new things wish i could take away all the nasty ana thoughts and feelings and make it all beta 4 u =) Keep going girly and think of how much brighter the future will be.

It may be raining right now but there is always sunshine after rain...hope you find your sunshine soon- keep going. (sorry if that sounded a bit cheesy,lol!) 

It's hard regaining motivation thinking of all the things people my age should be enjoying sometimes helps me as it makes me realise how much ma ed takes over my life. Are you on any medication to help your mood? I'm on fluoxatine for a while now , not sure how much it helps though as i still feel really down sometimes, its like i just want to fade away and let every1 4get about me.

i don't like to burden my friends with my  troubles and sometimes when i do say them out loud they just sound so pathetic and i don't think they'd understand, that's y i aven't told any1 at uni (tho they may hav guessed). Then there's another part of me that wants to tell every1 to make them understand and not judge me or any1 else with an ed.

Anyway think i've gone off track a lil there but keep going lexy ...here 4 u =)

*hugs*

katie x

hey lexy and katie

that is a really nice metaphor about sunshine after rain, it dosent sound cheesy at all! its really beutiful. i probaly sound cheesy now but hey. [ =

i am feeling a lot better now, am eating better now  and right now i just want to make others feel better.

so i hope you guys are ok. *hugs*

 i know what you guys mean about not liking easter holidays. it kind of feels like you need structure in your day and designated meal times, especilly when you are trying to recover. i felt like it was just easier to skip meals during holidays, and the voice ws saying that was good then, but now i know it was bad.

 i went to the seaside at the weekend. it was ok and i found most of it fun, its just one night we went to this resturant and there was a 5 course meal and that was horrible for me cos i felt like everyone was watching me eat. i know that wasnt really  true and i was prbaly just being paranoid, but i geuss that happens to many peple who are like this. does it happen for you guys? 

 i will write more later but i have to go.

 becky xxxxxxxx 

Hi

Glad u had a nice time at the sea side the more positive experiences u have the better, it'll help u fight ana- keep going my lovely =)

I bet the meal was awful *hugs* well done for getting thru it u shud b proud . I totally know what you mean i sometimes feel like everybody is watching what i'm eating and  commenting on it. I remember when i went to stay with family n they took us all out for a massive meal at a posh restaurant (they dint know about ana then as i dont c em much)- it was awful i just started crying and hid in the toilet so you did really well to cope with that. Well done...maybe next time it'll b a little easier n it will giv u a bit of confidence?

So glad to hear your feeling a bit better -keep going.

*sunshine*

katie xxx

hey guys,

awww katie, your post made me smile sweetheart!

being back at college has given me a focus, but not a good one!! I had someone from CAMHS round yesterday afternoon and I'm going on a meal plan.  I know it's just going to cause more stress for my family as I don't want to stick to it.

am in the middle of talking to my best friend on msn as well and it seems as though I'm going to lose her. If I lose her I don't want to carry on.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Awwww lexy please carry on - for me , i can if you can. How things goin wiv your best friend? If she's a true friend she'll stick by you, i hope she does =). It can be hard coz i don't know what it's like 4 u but 4 me ana demands so much time n sumtimes it's hard to do stuff with other people coz it means eating with them n things. Hope things work out ok wiv her.

Me n my best friend went to diff uni's this year which has been hard as she kinda understood what i was thinking n feeling wivout me havin 2 explain in words. I have lots of friends at uni but no1 i'd call a best friend, she's got new friends too (one's who don't cause her as much stress as me!) so understand how u feel i kinda feel i'm loosing her.

Were you given the meal plan or did you help make it. I've helped make all mine but i don't like em coz i kinda feel they set me up for failiure as they always seem 2 ask 2 much of me so i end up saying i've stuck 2 it wen i haven't - i hate lying but don't want 2 let any1 down .I wun't advise it tho coz it just leads to more probs when they want to keep increasing it coz your not gaining weight. Perhaps sum1 at home could help you a bit with it?

Hows college goin? Hope things aren't too tough , but don't giv up , I'm here for u whateva happens wiv college, your meal plan, your family, your friends, whateva.....

*thinking of u *

katie x

hey sweetheart,

I can't do it!!!  today has been awful. I keep remembering what my friend said last night and I just feel as though I don't want the help anymore. I want to be left alone to deal with things my own way.

They're drawing up a meal plan for me and they want me to sit with someone at every meal time so that they can make sure I am eating, but I don't want to do it! I know that its going to cause stress in the family because I want to refuse, but I just can't do it!

college is going okay. I feel happy when I am there at least, apart from today one of my friends was talking about how someone they know has just been taken to the clinic that I was going to go to, but instead of motivating me to recover as it should have done its kind of done the opposite.

sorry this was so long and depressing.

let me know how you are doing sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey *hugs*

really sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. 

really sorry to hear about your freind. katie is right, if she is a true friend she will stick by you. she is probaly really fustrated and is finding it really diffcult to understand why you cant just eat. for me it feels like everyone around me feels like that and is mad at me. but fr you hopefully she will regonise you are going through a really hard time and you just dont need this right now, and apoligise to you. try srt of talking to her, and saying just cos you have issues with food and weight doesent make you not kind or fun to be around or beutiful or a good freind. im sure all of these things are true. [= *hugs*

i know it des feel like you can cope on your own...but tbh you really need to let the docters help. i know that probaly seems like the last thing you want to hear right now..but it is pretty much impossible to get better on your own. you are battling this huge demon inside of you, and it isnt going to go without a fight. sorry if i sound like a counseller.

 aw katie, thanks for the lovley post.it  made me feel better *hugs* 

 becky xxxxx 

Hey you can do it !

Try to stay positive babe . I agree with Becky as hard as it is i think it would be best to let people help...try to take little steps, take it slow. Things aren't so great now, try to be brave n put your trust in those that love and care 4 u . People eating with you can be stressful and annoying but if you refuse things are only guna get worse n if you end up being admitted you'll be monitored even more. If you were left to deal with things how would you do it ?

Perhaps you could help make the meal plan (- although this can be stressful too! I've spent hours arguing over the tiniest things  ) Glad college is ok, try to ignore the others your health is what's important. Hows things with your friend ?

Stay strong and let me know how it goes .

How are you doing becky sweetie ? hope things are a lil beta 4 u .

Here for you both keep fighting...

*hugs*

katie x

hey sweetheart,

I think deep down I know that what you are saying is true, but I just don't want what they want for me at the moment.

hope you're okay sweetheart,

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hmmm I know how you feel it's awful when people are trying to push you too fast in directions your not ready to go in . You have to feel ready to make the changes ...until then they probably won't work long term.

I think you have to work out what you want for you and talk to those arround you about how you feel. This is tough i know, perhaps you could write it down? Hows the meal plan going?

This week hasn't been too good, back to uni on wed tho which i'm soooooooooo looking 4ward 2  . my mums starting to nag me all the time and driving me mad. Getting really rigid and can't wait to be back in my own little space doing what i want to do . Just kinda feel numb like i know i'm sad but can't feel it properly, prob the * i'm on. Just wish i could freeze time...feel like every1 is moving on with life but i'm in the same place i was 6 yrs ago just  floating somewhere between life and death, just existing but not living. Sorry  you don't need this you hav troubles of your own wivout me depressing u !

Let me know how the meal plan n things wiv your friend is going.

stay strong babe

love

katie xxx

hey sweetheart,

don't be silly!! of course I want to hear if you want to talk!!

glad you're looking forward to going backto uni sweetheart.

meal plan has been postponed till tuesday as the woman I was meant to be seeing missed our appointment due to a confusion over times.

haven't spoken to my friend since other than to tell her that I couldn't go to the cinema with her tomorrow as I am in ****** with my dad, to which she hasn't replied.

let me know how things are going,

take care sweetheart,

lexy -xxx-

Awww hope things go ok with your friend ....I'm sure she'll be there 4 u in the end. I bet it's really hard 4 family and friends....i realised that when i saw my dad cry- he's so strong usually n it broke my heart knowing i'd caused that. Hope you have a good time with your dad in ******...you looking forward 2 it?

Hmmmm things just a lil hard at the mo n my parents are starting to notice and watch what i eat and be more pushy- after being at uni i'm not used to that anymore n get a bit fed up with it. Still back soon, i miss all my friends there too so hopefully seeing them all again will remind me whatb it is i'm fighting 4. It may sound silly but from the moment i get up i'm looking forward to the day ending again n i can have a few hours of sleep that are ana free. Life shouldn't be like that should it ??????

You still worried bout the meal plan? What you doing in the meantime? Stay strong

*hugs*

Katie xxx

hey guys

it sounds like both of you are having a really bad time right now. im really sorry

i am doing okay right now though. i am being really strong and fighting an and it is working which is good i geuss. its weird, the voice is weaker and i can control it now, but i am not sure that is what i want. its kiind of confusing.

i like the idea katie said about writing your feelings  down cos i know it is really really hard to just talk about it, especcily if you dont talk about it that often. maybe try writing a letter? whatever you feel comfortuble with i geuss.

 katie..i am really sorry you are finding things so hard right now. i know what you mean by wanting to freeze time and not have anyone mad at you or anything...it also horrible to know everyone else is just moving on and being happy......maybe try thinking that you can achieve what everyone else around you is acheiving. really try to beleive it. its gonna be really hard but you can do it *hugs*

 you could try setting a goal for where you want to be this time next year or something and recover for that. or it could be easier to set little goals for yourself each week. sorry if i am rambling. i hope it helps.

 hoping both of you are okay

 xxxxxxx becky 

hey guys

katie - awww, sweetheart. I know what you mean about being watched. my mum is the same. starting the meal plan tomorrow and am still so scared about it. I don't want to do it still. things haven't been going too well on the eating front.

I hate getting up in the morning knowing that I have to face another day, and just love the feeling of going to bed again lol, much as you do.

I had a really good time with my dad thanks.

I hope so. I really miss being able to talk to her about things.

becky - hey sweetheart,

no need to be sorry!! it's nothing you've done!

glad to hear you're doing well sweetie!!

things aren't great, especially not on the eating front, but I think I'm coping on the emotional front.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey , yeah sorry i've been so depressing guys =(

Well done becky that's great, keep going. It's so encouraging to know the voice can be turned down and although things aren't perfect can be a bit beta. After listening to the voice for sooo long prob wierd it being quieter and may be confusing but you defo dont want to go back- stay strong and keep going , you deserve it. Wheneva you feel weak just remind yourself what things were like, how bad they were and how things are beta now. I'm proud of you your inspiring =) (oh and stop saying sorry, i'm happy for you n you doing well is great ) The goal idea is great by the way I'm guna think of some tonight.

Lexy babe good luck, let me know how it goes ...I'll be thinking of you- stay strong. Give it a go, things aren't great at the mo so starting the eating plan can't make things much worse can it ??? I know - easy 4 me 2 say I'm not the one about to start 1 . Glad you had a good time wiv your dad and didn't let ana ruin it 4 u . Good experiences wil help you fight ana. You back at college / school ? Hope exams aren't too stressful on top of everything else.

I still feel a lil weak at the mo but hearing how well your doing becky has made me want to fight this. I'm back at uni on wed - can't wait! But i'm not sure if it's me that can't wait or ana so my mum n dad aren't arround to keep tabs on me. I'll have to see my doctor bout my medication tho so we'll see what she says- she wont too impressed wiv me last time n threatened to av me admitted =( It's just hard switching between uni and home takes me ages 2 open up 2 a therapist and then i'm going home again so don't really see the point.

Glad to hear your coping on the emotional front lexy - good luck 4 tomoro and stay strong- let me know how it goes =)

Sorry i'm blabbering now but thanx 4 listening to me ....it means a lot

*hugs*

Katie xxx

hey people

 lexy-- want to wish you really good luck on the meal plan! i understand how you feel bout not wanting to do it and just wanting to be left alone to make your own desisions about what you are eating. a part of me just wants to let ana take over and block everyone trying to help out. so it might be the same for you. i dont wan to make assuptions on how you feel thuogh. but anyways good luck and remember you can do it =]

 how are things with your freind?...... i hope things are better with her. 

 katie-- i understand about being watched....its horrible cos it makes you feel worse.my parent are horrible..they try and force me to eat and i hate it cos it is clear they dont understand. but anyways i hope youre ok. try talking to your parents about how you feel. remember they are just watching you cos they care....it might not feel like it sometimes but its true. 

 its great you feel like you have something to fight for *hugs*  it is so easy just to forget why you are trying to get better. but if you know what you are fighting for then it is a great motivation to get better.

 *hugs to both of you*

 becky xxxxx 

hey guys

thanks to both of you for your messages!!

meal plan has been scrapped as I said I don't have motivation to stick to it and so she didn't see much point as I just can't do it at the moment but she said to call her if I change my mind about anything or want to ask her anything. I feel like I've kind of been left in the lurch but hey its my own fault.

katie, so glad you're feeling more motivated sweetheart! yeh, I'm back at college. little stressed out about exam on monday but never mind - will be over soon.

becky - things aren't really any better with my friend, but then I guess it may take a while.

let me know how you are both doing!

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey,

I supose it's kinda gud it's been scrapped in a way as it wud prob only lead to u failing which int gud. Is she giving u any other support or making an easier plan to follow. I think you need help babes so hope your not totally alone on this 1 ( corse i'm here if u need me ). Yeh keep going wiv your friend , i bet she's not happy you've fallen out n sumtimes can take people a while to come arround and swallow their pride but i do know that wen i'm not friends wiv people i hate it and it eats away at me so hopefully she'lln pull through 4 u .

Yey i'm back at uni n away from the nagging of ma mum n dad. I kinda feel bad tho coz they went out for a meal tonight n i dint av anything coz it was 2 early n i dint wana anyway which kinda upset ma mum. I tried to talk to her yesterday but she dint really listen. I met up wiv ma old therapist who i can really talk to n it made me realise how alone i feel now i dont see her regularly. I'm not going to meet up wiv ma friends 2nite- cant face it , it's like i've lost all confidence n just wana b alone.

Gud luck wiv the exam , i'm sure you'll do great . I get really stressed bout exams 2 so totally know how u feel . At the end of the day it's just an exam tho, ur health is far more important so dont let it get u down.

Hows things going becky? Stay strong huni u really inspire me to make it in the end , i'm soooooo proud of u

*hugs*

Katie xxx

hey sweetheart,

sorry to hear you're feeling so down sweetheart. *hugs*

you're such a strong person sweetheart, and you have helped me sooo much!

things are even worse between me and my friend.

I think we're just not going to talk for a while. I feel like there's not really a lot to recover for now though.

she's not really planning to do anything else unless I think of anything that she can do, in which case I am to ring her.

my mum was saying today when I was talking to her in floods of tears after talking to my friend that she wishes that it was happening to her so that I wasn't hurting anymore. it made me feel horrible.

I've found a guy that I've been really able to open up to though so maybe something good will come out of all the negative. he's going to come over saturday evening to watch a film with me which might be quite nice.

lets hope so. I still don't know my lines for the exam. was hoping to learn them tonight but then everything happened with my friend and ended up in tears for an hour or so and so didn't really get much done.

hope you're okay??

let me know how you are doing,

thinking of you sweetheart,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

p.s. sorry this was so long and depressing

Hey- no need to say sorry , you need to let it out babe and here is the place to do it .

Yey for you, it's great your having this guy over . Is he just a friend or a potential bf ? Talking to him will hopefully give you the confidence and strenth to fight this , let me know how it goes? what you going to watch? ( Don't let him hurt u tho babe, notb that i think he will just worry 4 u that's all)

Hmmm i know what you mean parents have the ability to make you feel sooooooo bad without them even trying 2 . My mum's face as she left me at uni was full of worry n she had tears in her eyes, it was as tho my heart had been ripped out felt so bad to know i'd caused that pain 4 her. And yet the guilt of hurting my parents is never able to help me beat this 4 sum reason

Things aren't too great eating wise but forced myself to go and say hi to people yesterday, then went out at night 4 a few drinks, dint really want 2 but made myself go . It's hard too as i dont actually drink alcohol, but it makes me stand out a lil . Anyway was nice to spend time wiv people as i dont want to become reclusive.

Hows the food going ?

Hope u hav a great time 2morro

Katie xxx

hey sweetheart,

hopefully a potential boyfriend, but even if he turns out to be just a good friend then I'm happy with that.  no idea what we are going to watch lol, but I'm sure we'll find something.

I hate it when parents do that to you.

I know. even after everything that my best friend has been saying this week and knowing how much I am hurting her I still just don't want to change.

eating is going terrible and I am so stressed out. meals are non-existent but I am bingeing loads!!

sorry you're having a difficult time sweetheart. I don't really drink either and always feel like I am standing out.

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Was just reading ur title n u no what? I do deserve this! Can't believe I can be so ungrateful for what I have. Omg it doesn't bear thinking about. So many people with nothing and I'm starving myself delibarately. How can I do this!?!?!?! Of course I have no way of taking out my shame but hurting myself. I hate cycles. Im beginning to wonder if ill ever get off this loop.im just so tired of having to fight it.......after all does it matter if i wither away? Its not as if i was much good here anyway. Oh god, now im crying

Hey good luck for tonight u go for it girly, hope u have an awesome time n dont let ana ruin it. This may be just what u need, i hope so.

Hey, yeh i'm not too bad just cant wait 4 lectures 2 start on mon, this weekend is just soooo hard coz dont really have anything to do so it's hard not to just go and exercise. We have a fancy dress party thing tonight which i'll go to but really dont have the energy. It's awkward when people ask me why i dont drink as i cant just tell them ana wont let me, also i'm on anti depressants so cunt if i wanted 2 ! Even if i cud tho dunno if i would .

Let me know how things went

*hugs*

katie xxx

Awwww huni don't cry, u sooooo do not deserve this u dint choose it.

I wunt wish this on my worst enemy . I know how u feel bout thinking of others starving and it makes me feel guilty too but u av to try and remember that your ill and i'm sure u dint ask for an ed.

Try and stay strong sweetie, u do deserve to live, think of all the people who love and care 4 u . How would they feel if u were to go?

Do u have any help? sounds like your really down babe...hope there's sum1 there 4 u 2 talk 2 ...but either way i'm here.

* super hugs*

katie xxx

hey guys,

katie - thank you sweetheart!! I will let you know!!

have had the most stressful day at work and just cannot wait to relax and unwind!

hope you have a good time at the party sweetheart!

jennywren - awww sweetheart *hugs*.

just as katie said, you don't deserve this. unfortunately part of the illness is to make us feel as though we do not deserve help and this only makes it harder, but sweetheart you really do deserve help!!

let me know how things ar going both of you,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey how'd it go! Hope your ok .

u got exams yet? I'm back at uni and stress has hit hav soooooooooo much reading to do it's unreal n it's made worse by the fact that i hate sitting down n just reading. Ah well....gud to be back having something to do tho.

Hope things are a lil beta this week =)

katie xxx

hey guys    

really really sorry i have been away for so long. =(

im back now.

jennywren- you and everyone on here dosent deserve this. saying this might not help, but i was reading what you put and it sounded like you wrote that when you were very very upset and emotionanal. i really hope you feel a bit better now. just remember how beutiful you are each day..i know it probaly dosent help, but just try and be strong cos you and everyone else really deseves recovery and to be happy. *hugs*

lexy and katie- sorry to hear your eating isnt so well right now. hope the parties went ok .  i know it feels like when ana is in your head you feel like you cannot have fun and think about eating all the time..but if you had a good time then thats fantastic and i hope feel at least a tiny bit better. *huggs*  its good you are trying to think of goals katie, cos that is a positive step towards recovery,

 also i was wondering......you dont have to say if you dont want but, i was just randomly wondering how old you guys are.  im 13. =]

 but anyways i just want both of you and in fact everyone else on these boards to remember recovery is possible. *hugs*   i feel it is almost the hardest thing in the world, but trust me you are all beutiful kind people and i have probaly said this before many times but you deserve to be happy, not scared and restricted.

 keep fighting

 xxxxxxxxx becky 

hey sweetheart,

yeh, I had my first exam yesterday.

things aren't going great. have lost a best friend due to my ed.

awww hunni *hugs* hope you get it all done sweetie!!

let me know how things are going,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

hey sweetheart,

recovery really does seem hard at the moment if I am honest.

I am 17, will be 18 in June - yay!! =D

I seem to have lost my best friend due to my ed as well =(.

let me know how things are going hunni,

take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hi, just wanted to see how your doing?

Whats happening with the meal plan n everything...hope your still getting help =)

I'm battling on but really busy at the mo hav sooooooo much reading n it's hard coz i feel guilty sitting down so much to do it. I'll write more later got to go now but just dint want u to think i'd 4gotten u .

*hugs*

katie x

ps. I'm 19 by the way which is pretty scary as this started wen i was bout 13 which is quite sad coz i wont be a teenager soon n haven had a proper teen experience really =(