Starting

I am sorry to hear you have found yourself in this situation. You sound like an honest person, and the first step to getting back to normality is realising you have a problem and need help. You NEED to talk to your freinds or family- what you said here is good summary of your situation. They will not be angry, but thankful that you have been honest with them. Although it helps a lot, a message board will not give you the proper help/support you need.

Goodluck and post back how you are doing soon

xxxxxxxxxxxx 

hiya im danielle i was ana but was recently healed from this. i also started skippin lunch abt the same tym as u. n lyk u it very soon got outta control i became obessed wiv losin weight. i was obbessed wiv starvin myself, i hated havin food in me i lyked bein hungry n luved losin weight. tho i nu i was underweight but i saw myself as fat. i binged n s/harmed n got my life in a mess.

but i promise u its not u tryin to lose weight, its not u resictin ur cals, its not u hu feels bad after eatin its ana. she is inside of u controlin ur thoughts n actions. its her hu will distort ur image its her hu is obbessed wiv weight loss n starvin u. i promise u this cos i hav bin thru it n returned to bein me. im a christian n a couple of wks ago God totally healed my of ana :) i went out to my youth club feelin fat cos i had food in me i wanted to purge. i had a fear of even lookin at high cal foods, i felt so **** n wanted to punish/starve myself cos id put on weight. but God healed me he took away all of ana i lost all my thoughts n fears to do wiv food, i was able to eat n enjoy it, i didnt care abt gettin fat or cals or havin food in me.  i didnt want to lose weight i didnt even weigh myself which had bin doin obessivly. when i got home i looked at myself n saw i was reali thin, too thin. it was ana hu made me feel all tht stuff n wudnt let me c how thin i was. 

plz hun tell someone u r beautiful n ur thin u just cant c it. plz try n tell someone a friend, parent, teache, gp, a relitive anyone just plz get help n i no irs reali hard but plz hun try. u shudnt hav to live wiv this plz get help so u can b free agen.

i hope this i helpful for u n if u want anymore help post agen n ill try n get bak. stay strong hunni u can beat this, i no its so hard but even if u hav an xtra mouthful at dinner or somefin u r beatin it. plz reali fink abt tellin someone n gettin help, it is so much better to b free.

remember hun u r beautiful n ur not fat :) stay strong always here for u beautiful :)

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks guys for your posts. It is really helpful to know people actually care. I feel sometimes I am too afraid to tell anyone. Afraid of what they might say or do. Maybe I should just push the voice inside my head away that shouts at me I shouldn't tell anyone and just do it. I hate looking in the mirror and feeling bad....

heya

of course we all care hun we r all here to support each other n we all care abt each other. if u r able to push the voice away thts reali gud but it can b reali hard to ignore n it may b ana tryin to convince u tht u dont need help but i fink u do hun. it doesnt matter hu u tell but try to find someone u trust, an adult is best but a freind if u cant fink of anyone else or u cud try ringin beat tht reali helped my n was the first step to me tellin someone else, i told my youth worker cos she alreadi nu i was wasnt eatin much n i hav a close relationship wiv her but u mite not no anyone lyk tht but if u r at skool or uni (soz i dont no ur age) there shud b someone there u can talk to. try to find someone u can tell it is the first step to beatin this n bein free of ana :)

also lyk i sed before ana is distortin ur image n wont let u c how thin u reali r. bein ana makes u fatter, the more u lose the fatter u c urself cos ana has a stronger hold on u. even tho ive put on a lot recently i still look thinner than i didnt when ana was incontrol. when ana left i suddenly saw the thin beautiful girl i am plz remember its the same for u, u r thin n beuatiful try to push away the voice n u will c it too.

always here if u need help hunni

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

hey im the same as you, im 16 and just before the summer when i was doing my gcse's i started to miss lunch and then as time has gone on i miss breakfast aswell. even when possible i try to get out of having dinner. my best friend has been very worried for me over the past months and it is only now that i can see why. she sed that i was losing weight and i was sure that i wasnt and if anything i was gettin fatter but after her making me go to the doctors earlier this month because i wasnt having any periods the doctor weighed me and sed that i was underweight, anorexic. it was the biggest shock i have ever had and truthfully i fell apart. within a week my mum and dad found out and i am now making my first step to recovery on monday by going to have an assement to find me a suitable couselor etc. i am scared but i am more scared of what will happen if i dont. i tried to ignor the fact and deney it but all the time i was doing that it was just getting worse so please dont do the same and go to the doctors or something even if it isnt for you but for a friend. good luck babe! we can all work together to beating this. much love xx

Heya sweetie,

i am sorry to hear about your situation...i feel for you soo much. I know it is hard but please try talking to someone - it is scary but i promise you they will help you, they will support you, they will try understand - they would be devasted if they knew you were suffering alone. You can't do this alone, or at least u shouldn't have to. What about writing a letter?

You are better off trying to get the help now before the feelings become stronger and you do permanent damage to yourself.... you seem to be struggling so much already, it doesn't just go hun, you have to face your demons and it can be hard so the sooner u start the easier it will be.

I'm always here for you if you need someone to talk to or anything, take things one day at a time, step by step. Take care,

lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx 

let us know how it goes huni.  i hope you manage to tell some one- keep us updated! there will b tough times ahead- but boy will it be worth the struggles when we recover!

x x x

My form tutor managed to find out today, because my best friends know I don't eat lunch, and they told like nearly the whole form. It was so embarrasing. The my form tutor talked to me. It felt really good when she talked to me, because it seemed to push the badness away. Even if it was only for a few moments.

hun its reali gud tht someone nos abt this now, n u may feel u dont want anyoune to no but its reali important u get the help n support u deserve, n u do deserve it hun i only had my ED for abt 5 months n i dont fink i cud hav coped much longer it had so much of a hold ova me - the real me was lost, hidden by ana, shoutin for help but always made to keep silent. if u can get help before ana totally takes ova it will b much easier.

friends can b reali great in supportin u thru this n its gud they no n its also gud a adult nos as well but u shud also fink abt tryin to tell ur parnets n a gp if u can so u can get the help u need. if talkin to ur tutor helped ask her if u had hav so tym wiv her, it can reali help to hav a person u can confide in n trust, i talked to my youth worker alot n it reali helped to no i had someone to cud let everyfin out on cos the worst fing to do is keep it all locked inside u.

well done for gettin help hun cos i no how hard it is but it will help, stay strong, even if u hav one more mouthful when ana tells u not to u r provin u r stronger than her n u can beat her. also remember wot i sed before abt u bein thin u just cant c it.

i hope u can find the strength to beat this, always here for u

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  

tanks danielle :)

You have been really helpful with helpful tips and advice.

I have my good and bad days (I guess you guys do too). But today I feel like such a scammer. I feel as if there is no problem, I dont have an ed (I'm not intirely sure I have one). I feel so bad. And now things seem to have gotten worse. I have just lost control of eating. Food had been rationed now.  And then if I feel hungry I am allowed a *. I fear that if I eat any more than this over the weekend I will become fat and gain weight. This has been happening since Wednesday. Mainly it stated on Thursday. I feel so tired, I feel freezing cold, and just want to go to bed! I am really scared and don't know what to do. If I don't do as I have told myself (the eating habbits, rationing food by loads) then I will have to feel guilty and bad, but if I do follow with what I have told myself, will I be able to survive through the weekend with all my coursework to do?

Sorry for writing this, but I just don't know what to do. There is no way I can tell my mum any of this as she will freak!

xxxx Aimie xxxx

hi aimie,

thts alrite its gud to no my advice is helpin u.

plz dont feel lyk a fake this isnt just for attention or somefin u can choose to do or not but its an ilness n from wot u hav written i wud say u cld hav an ED n u need help. its just ana sayin ur a fake cos she doesnt want u to get help but u need it hun. u sed ur form tutor found out n then u started to struggle this is just ana fightin bak. i found tht aswell everytym i admitted somefin was wrong or tryed to get help fings got worse but dont let this put u off its just ana tryin to fite bak n this proves she is not helpin u or makin u feel gud lyk often fort but she is evil n is just tryin to harm u. tellin someone may make stuff worse to start wiv but its betta in the long run cos u can get the support u reali need.

awww hun i no wot it feels lyk to just wanna sleep n to feel always cold its not how u shud feels n u need to work against wot ana tells u. somefin tht can help is to imagine ana as somefin else, somefin u dont lyk or hate, n remember tht it is ur enemy n u shud do the opposite of wot she says.

plz dont feel u hav to do wot ana says but i no how much of a struggle it can b to just find ur own voice. i no how bad it feels when uve eaten, ana used to make me self harm if i binged or put on weight but u dont hav to obey her every command but i no how hard it is. somefin tht mite help is to plan wot u will eat before hand make sure its a decend amount tho n tell urself this i wot im gunna eat n it wont make me fat n then do it.

i understand u dont want ur mum noing cos i didnt either but it wasnt tht bad, u cud try askin someone else such as a friend or ur tutor to tell her if u fink tht wud b easier or write her a letter. also try to tell a doctor i no its scary but u sound lyk u reali need some professional help. u cud also email or fone beat cos they r reali helpful. i dont no how old u r but if ur still n skool there shud b ppl u can talk to there ur tutor, head of year or any other teacher, counsiller, skool nurse or any one in skool hu shud b helpful to u. 

plz dont feel sorry for postin on here its wot its for n im always here for u, plz try n get some help soon n post bak anytym. stay strong n keep fightin

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh my goodness, things are just getting worse. Yesterday I ate. Well lets just  say barely anything. Not even a meal. Just some ****and *****. I felt so in control yesterday. But now I am so hungry and tired.

heya

soz ive not bin on for a while n dont hav much tym now so ill post agen 2moz. r u still strugglin hun? plz try n eat somefin u will much more energy if u eat even a bit. i hav to go now but plz remember wot i sed before abt ur ED not lettin u c u as reali u r. even if u only eat some *  it will help but i no its hard. stay strong, always here for u hun

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

hiya agen,

hun i no i can feel so gud to starve urself but its just a trick from ana. plz try to eat somefin hun n i no its so hard u may feel lyk u r in control but ur not ana is n every tym u let ana beat u she will get stronger n stronger till u cant remember wot u used to feel lyk before food n weight mattered to u. ana will take ova if u let her n i no ts hard but u hav to fite agenst her if u dont she will totaly take ova, she will try n tak ova ur life. n u probs dont fink ur harmin urself but u r hun. u hav to stamd up to ana before she takes hold of u. plz talk to someone hun n get help.

hun im always here for u plz try n eat u no deep down its wot u want to b able to eat without the fear of gettin fat. plz try to eat n try to beat it its so much better when ur free of ana.

stay strong hun n ill pray for u

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hiya hun,

Never apologise for expressing how you feel - we all need to let our feelings out sometimes.

I went through a stage of only eating as little dinner as possible, and nothing else all day, but my mum noticed pretty quickly and so I had to try and cover up. Although at the time I felt so angry with her for noticing and taking away the control I felt I had over my eating I am now sooo glad that she knows and is there for me should I be finding things difficult.

I know that this is so much easier said than done, but try and find someone you can trust enough to tell them how you feel. It can be absolutely anyone!! This will be one of the biggest steps you have to make, but one that I believe is essential if you really want to recover from this!

It is ultimately only you who can change the things that you are doing, but this will be a lot easier for you with the support from those around you and a better understanding of what this illness may be doing to you.

Always remember that you are a beautiful individual and you do have the courage somewhere inside you to beat this! Keep fighting and I am always here should you need me.

lexy -xxx-

thanks for your advice :)

I thought things were getting better. I didnt have that evil voice in my head all holidays saying I had to loose weight. So my intake of food increased. But as soon as I go back to school (today) everything changes. I have to suddenly reduce my food intake because im scared I will get fat. Some people have started to comment on how I look skinny. But I dont believe them. All I see is what I believe to be real. They must be lying? I just cant believe them. I must admit I have grown taller and havent put on weight. I am contantly checking my BMI now. I know if I say what it is it will be edited out. So I wont try. lets just say its not good. One of my friends keeps saying that I have to accept I have a problem, but I cannot ever believe I have anorexia. Anorexic people are really skinny! (no offence guys so please dont be upset)

Hope to hear from you guys soon. P.S sorry I havent been on much

From Aimie

hey hunni,

hope things are okay?

don't be too hard on yourself hun. things are not going to be easy, and some days will be harder than others. I know what you mean about school sometimes making things harder and making it seem as though people will think you are fat - if they are true friends they will not think anything bad of you, no matter what your weight!! I know that this doesn't make it any easier.

I'm not saying that you do have anorexia, but part of the illness is that you are unable to see how skinny you really are. are you able to be honest with your friend about how you feel?

I know that this is hard, but they are only commenting because they care about you.

always here for you hun,

lexy -xxx- 

heya hun,

its great tht u ate more n the hols even if uve stopped agen now its shows u can do it, u can eat. the fact u didnt hear the voice means it must still me quite weak n it mite not feel it to u but from the outside it seems weak n if u can get help now u will hav more chance of recoverin. hav u thought abt goin to ur gp? do any of ur friends no cos they mite come wiv u to ur gp if u dont wanna go alone.

lyk lexy sed ppl only comment cos they care n the fact they r sayin tht proves to me u r thin otherwise they wudnt say it. when u get too thn ppl will coment cos theyre scared u mite damage urself. i no u r probs gettin angry at me sayin ur thin cos u wont belive me n fink im lyin but hun i promise u im not. if other ppl can c ur thin n r commentin then u r, plz believe them. i no i hated ppl sayin i was thin so i understand but plz try n find to real u n fink abt it, its only ana hu makes u fink ur fat. promise. the fact u no ur BMI isnt gud means u do no ur thin u just wont admit to it. u can b ana without bein thin anyway its to do wiv ur relationship wiv food n how u feel not how thin u r.

i no its hard to accept uve got ana but ur freinds r worried cos thet just c u gettin thinner n not eatin rite n gettin even thinner n u wont even admit theres somefin wrong. hun if there gud friends they  wanna help u n support u thru this. they dont just wanna c u get thinner n thinner.   

let me no how fings go, n im always here if u need to chat. im prayin for u, plz try to honestly fink abt wot u look lyk n dont let ana rule ur mind.

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks guys

I love coming here because it means I can discuss or just get stuff off my chest. I am so glad you guys messaged back and thank you. Your comments are really helpful to me. I am only slightly worried at the mo, but not really. Today I went to school and things were as I see as normall. No breakfast. No lunch. But in the middle of my graphics lesson when I was doing some important course work, I was pulled out of class by the school nurse. She wanted to talk to me. I didnt really tell her that much about how I find eating and stuff, because why should she know? She would just think I am weird. Then she asked to weigh me and check my height. Not sure if this will be edited out but.  I was quite happy. Because I am loosing weight. But also growing and not gaining weight. That for me feels so, how do I put it? Well like a triamph. but then the nurse gave me a leaflet about eating disorders. And told me to show my mum. No way!! My mum would freak! I dont see how I can loose weight, and grow taller without looking any thinner! urg I just dont understand. I'm getting so worried about calorie counting and doing loads of exercise. I keep on thinking about making myself sick. But I never could! I would be too scared to do it. Things have got so much worse since last month. Part of me hopes it will go away. But the other part wants things to get worse, so I can get really skinny. I dont know what to do! I feel so determined to loose weight, but I dont know 100% why. Help!

xxxx Aimie xxxx

P.S I really do appreciate your advice and stuff guys, and I mean really. Its really good that I can talk to people with similar experiences.

Hey again,

I havent eaten anything yet . I am happy. It now means I  feel am in control.. Most of the time. I have to go out  .I cant and wont eat when I am out, so I'll most probably have to have dinner later.. If I can eat a little of that then I may feel tired,.These are the thoughts going round in my head. These and the fact my friend told my form tutor some stuff I told her privatley that I didnt want anyone else to find out about. Stuff like if I put on any weight then I will get fat, and stuff like that. It seems I cant trust anyone. I like my form tutor, and she said if I want to speak to her I can. But I just have no idea what to say.

xxxx Aimie xxxx

hey hunni,

you may feel as though your friend has gone behind your back by telling your form tutor, but she is only worried about you - she obviously doesn't want to lose you!

it's difficult I know when the people around you do things that you are uncomfortable with, but it is only because they care, they are not trying to hurt you, they just want you to be well again.

as for not eating all day I know that it makes you fell incredibly in control, but it is actually your ed controlling you hun, not the other way round. sorry to be so forthright, and I reall hope I haven't offended you, but I just don't want to see you get hurt hunni.

always here if you need me, and I really am not having a go at you hun, I know that it is much easier to be told what we have to do than to actually do it, and you are doing so well hunni to even recognise that things aren't right and to ask for help on these boards.

stay strong and take care,

lexy -xxx-

Hey lexi, no you didnt offend me. I prefer when people just say things instead of going around them and never really say what they are trying to. (Hope that makes sense?!)

I guess my friend was only trying to be helpful (strange way of going around it but....)

I feel whatever is happening to me is getting stronger, I dont know if I want it to stay, get worse or go away. It is so confusing. I can be really scary to myself sometimes. A person I never knew before. I just don't think I can ever be like I was before everything changed. It seems so distant. My friends think my way of not eating is strange, but I see myself before as being strange because I could never ever imagine myself eating breakfast or lunch again.

Thanks lexi and Danielle especially, but also everyone else who has given me advice.

xxxx Aimie xxxx

hiya aimie

hun ur skool nurse is tryin to help u n u shud try n b honest wiv her hun she wont fink ur weird. i no how it can feel when u lose weight but its not proper happiness lyk i thought its just u gettin a andrenalin rush so ana can make u keep losin.  ur harmin urself hun. its reali important u tell ur mum n if shes angry its only cos she cares n wont want to accept her daughter is starvin herself. the skool may hav to tell ur mum anyway n it wud probs b betta for u to tell her than for the skool to tell her.

hun i no exactly y ur not lookin thinner cos ana wont let u c. everyone else can c, u no tht cos ppl hav commented ur gettin thinner its just ana wont let u c. if u saw how thin u were than u wont want to lose weight n ana wud hav no control ova u so she decieves u. hun before i was ana i wudnt hav called myself fat but after losin so much i believed i was reali fat ive now put all the weight i lost bak on agen n im still thin it doesnt make sence does it tht losin weight made me fatter hun u no tht. it was cos ana decieved me, when i can c wot i truelly look lyk im thin its only thru anas eyes i was fat n its the same for u.

i no its reali difficult to not count calories n to not exercise but u need to try n stop. its great u dont wanna purge hun n plz plz neva even try it.

i no all u wanna do is lose weight but u cant hun, this gettin worse wont mak u thinner if ana gets stronger she'll mak u look fatter u'll neva look thin hun, promise. if u wanna b thin u hav to fite bak n mak it go away n then u'll b able to c urself n c tht ur thin. atm u still wanna get betta plz hang on to tht u no deep down wot ur doin is dangerous n u need to remember tht. somefin a lot of ppl on here do is name the voice n create a picture of it. somefin u dont lyk n deciede u dont want tht controllin u.

hun lyk lexy sed ur friend is tryin to help u cos she is worried all she sees is u not eatin, gettin reali thin, finkin ur fat, afraid ur gunna put on wieght  n shes scared of wot u mite do to urself.  if u wanna speak to ur form tutor u cud rite her a letter n giv it to her or write wot u wanna say to her n use it as u talk or take ur friend wiv u to support u cos she oviously wants to help.

plz try n eat somefin durin the day i no its hard but its dangerous not to n i no u lyk it i used to get a real high from it but its so dangerous hun n it wont make u fat hun, ive eatin 4 tyms alreadi today n havnt even had my dinner yet n im not fat.

hun plz try n fite bak n stop it gettin stronger u dont want it to take ova. u sed u scare urself its cos u do dangerous fings hun n the real u nos its rong n tht person u neva nu before is ana takin ova invadin u tryin to take ova n to starve u to a painful death hun u dont want tht do u? i no its easy to forget wot a normal way of eatin is but its normal to eat breaky n lunch n dinner n hav snacks n ur friends fink its strange cos it is, u r purposly starvin urself n ignorin hunger hun tht is strange n u need to try n stop urself. it is possible to eat hun, i often eat lyk 6 tyms a day n im thin.

soz this is so long. plz try n eat some more n talk to ur tutor or skool nurse they wanna help u. hun im always here for u n im prayin for u.

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

hey sweetie!!!

I know what you mean when you say you don't know whether you want this thing to stay or to go. You end up feeling fed up of having to do the same things everyday, but at the same time the regularity of it all seems to provide you with some form of security that you can find in nothing else.

You also don't want to lose something that you have come to see as, essentially, a part of yourself.

Your ed is not who you are unni, and you deserve a life without your ed, but at the end of the day it is only you who can make that decision. People can tell you to do things, they can be there for yo when things go wrong, but you have to choose to take their advice and allow yourself to go to them for support when things get tough.

Never forget that you are NEVER EVER alone. There will be many times that you may feel as though you are isolated and that people do not understand how you feel, but you can always let your feelings out on here and there will always be someone to listen to you.

I don't know how technologically minded you are, but maybe you could think about making a slideshow type thing of lots of pictures of good memories that you have and try putting a piece of your favourite happy music to it, so whenever you feel down or alone you could watch it? Just an idea I was having about making one for myself lol.

*hugs*

-xxx-

thanks once again guys for the helpful advice and comments. I dont know what I would do without you all. I get excited everyday when I come online just to see if I have a new message in her.

xxxxAimiexxxx

lol, awww hunni!! glad you find it helpful!!

I know that the boards made me feel soooo much stronger when I first found out I had an ed as I knew that there was always somewhere I could go when things got tough for me. I still check the boards everyday - I don't know what I would do without them!!!

how are things going for you at the moment sweetie??

take care,

ly!!!

lexy -xxx-

Hey all,

I was just wondering who I would/should go to, to see if I have an eating disorder. I mainly want to prove my friends wrong, but maybe I feel things are just getting worse. The way my mum talks to me and looks at me seems to be changing. Yesterday she said to me I know you most probably havent eaten yet, and this is getting ridickulus. I really didnt think she had noticed or cared. So yeah, I was just wondering who would be the best person to go to. Thinking that I could have anorexia is really strange, because I never thought I would have it. why did this happen to me? Hope one of you can help. Thanks for all your help and support so far guys. (Why do my friends keep saying I am anorexic and that I should just admit it? One of them says I am just in a stage of denial.)

xxxxAimiexxxx

hey sweetie,

I think it is more important to think about who you are most comfortable talking to begin with rather than thinking about you should talk to as by making things more scary than they need to be you will just be making things harder for yourself.

take care hunni,

lexy -xxx-

heya hun

well done for wantin to try n c someone. i no u r still tryin to deny it but i fink u r startin to fink abt it n thts great but u reali need to accept it before u can start fixin it. hav u told ur mum then or did she work it out? if u wanna talk to a proffessional u cud talk to a doctor or u probs hav a skool nurse which u cud ask ur form tutor abt. u cud also take one of ur friends or ur mum wiv u. if u want some more advice u cud ring the beat helpline as they're reali helpful. also if u fink u mite forget wot u want to say rite some stuff down wot u want to say to them. ur friends r oviously worried abt u so it mite b a great support for u to take one of them wiv u.

let me no how fings go hun n ill b prayin for u.

Danielle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I feel so completely anoid and angry today. For the last day or so my mum and dad have been trying to make me eat. I hate them for it. They keep bringing my dinner up from downstairs and saying I need to eat more. I eat a bit, but not much. The most I can manage is usually half. They always want to control everything in my life. I find one thing to control and they want to control that as well. I can't have anything for me. I can't do anything without being told if it's wrong or right. Don't you hate it when your parents say something like 'Oh you did quite well with.... (food related)' It makes me mad. It just makes me want to eat less next time. And now my dad is saying unless I eat what he feels 'satisfactory' I can't do any of the clubs I go to. This includes drama, dance, singing, Christian and the rehearsals for a show I am doing in April. It's so out of order and unfair. If they reallly cared they would have interviened earlier when things weren't as bad. Now they have no hope of getting through to me. They are stupid and I hate them! I JUST WISH THEY'D GET LOST. I don't need anyone. I don't deserve anyone. Especially not my form tutor or my friends or my sister or my parents. I don't deserve any of them. Yesterday I completely lost the will to live. I just wanted to die. I couldn't see a point in life anymore. If my parents are going to take away the one thing I love (performing) then I have no reason to be on this planet. I hate life so much. I see normal people who are skinny and eat normally. And live normal lives. Then I look at me. Why can't I live normally, eat normally and be normal?

Sorry for my mental outburst there! I just really needed to get it off my chest. I don't know how much longer I can cope. If I don't get things off my chest then I fear I will explode. And considering I meant to be doing my homework right now and I am at school, I don't want to bring attention to myself.

hey hunni,

sorry to hear that things are so difficult at the moment sweetie!

you can beat this, but you need to believe in yourself and allow yourself support from those around you!

I know it is frustrating when people try and meddle, but they are just trying to help. they just don't know how, and won't be able to know how unless you tell them hunni.

feel free to rant and rave as often as you need to sweetie, I'll always be here to listen.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

heya hunni,

soz to hear u feellin down. i understand how u feel wiv ur parents hunni i had the same problem. hun i no u hate them for it n ull hate me for sayin this but u need to eat hun. i no how hard it is to eat dinner wiv ur family but its so imprtant. often for me it was the only food i had all day n i hope ur not at tht stage yet but u still need to eat. try n ask if u can hav smaller portions cos i no tht feels easier when ur not faced wiv as much also ask to hav food ur comfortable wiv so its easier for u.

hun the only reason they r tryin to control wot u eat is cos ur ill n ur views on food rnt gud enuf to keep ur body goin n they dont wanna c u wastin away. i understand how those comments make it worse my mum used to do tht a lot. mayb u cud tell them tht cos they dont wanna make it worse for u but they dont understand how u fink so u hav to tell them wot helps n wot doesnt.

i understand u bein banned from clubs wud make u feel angry. id hav hated tht. do u find tht they help u n its ur lyk escape from them n from eatin. ana can cause u to become less socialbe n its great u still wanna go out. maybe tell tht to ur parents cos i no it wud hav made fings worse for me i cudnt do tht. r u a christain hunni?

hun they do care cos other wise they wudnt b makin u eat. they either didnt no abt it ealier or they were tryin to giv u want u wanted, control but now they cant trust u to look after urself wivout damagin ur body.

hun u do deserve ppl especially ur family n friends but i no how hard it can b when ur family r on top of u constantly. i dont even hav an ED anymore i dont get on wiv my family at all, i ****** hate them. i no how it feels to just wanna die i felt lyk tht abt a wk ago now but im still here. i was close to suicide at points but i didnt n the main reason was i cudnt do it to God. he has shown me some of his plans for my future n i no he wants to use me. i cudnt bring myself to do it. im not depressed anymore n i enjoy life agen. hang in there n life will get betta hunni.

hun u r skinny n ive told u so many tym before abt how its just ur ED n uve gotta belive me hunni.

ur welcome to come on here n rant anytym if it helps.  one fing tht has helped me is somefin i got from a self confidence bk my youth worker gav me n its journalin. it means i can rite woteva i want. wot ive done in the day  how i feel, hu i hate n i can swear n b as mean as i lyk cos they wont c it n it reali helps.

did u eva managfe to tell a proffessional? fink abt speakin to ur gp. it mite reali help u.

soz this is reali long.

stay strong hunni, always here if u wanna chat, or rant n rave. ill pray for u n i hope u feel betta soon hun.

Danielle xxx

Hiya all,

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the school nurse. I kinda worried. I don't want things to change from what they are. If I eat then I fear I will gain weight and become fat. The only thing I eat in a day is half my dinner. It can never finish dinner. Cant eat lunch or breakfast, and snacks have seemed to have faded away.

My mum hasnt noticed I havent eaten anything and it is like 6:20 in the evening. I'll most proberly have my first thing in a bit. (that will be dinner).

Oh, is it normal for hair to loose it's colour. Like being dull and a bit faded? the colour seems to just not be as good as before. And my hair is snapping quite easily. Not too bad... but.... My is so long! It goes like to the bottom of my bum!

Life is so weird. I am so nervous about tomorrow, and don't know what to do.  Help!!

xxxxAimiexxxx

hey hunni,

your hair losing its colour will be due to the lack of nutrition that you are getting sweetie.

anything you are eating is being used to keep you alive rather than make you look nice unfortunately!!!

unless you want to change hunni there is nothing anyone can do for you really as you are ultimately going to have to make the changes. people can tell you what to do and support you but you have to want to change sweetie.

let me know how it goes with the nurse,

lexy -xxx-

heya hunni,

how did it go hun? well done for gettin some help n i hope fings start lookin up soon.

hun the amounts u eat r dangerous hun n i dont wanna scare u but ull b puttin u body under pressure. the fact ur hair is deteriatin shows ur puttin ur body under strain. u dont hav to answer this but fink abt it. r u periods lighter or stopped? hun i dont want it to sound lyk im lecturin u but i can tell ur not eatin enuf to keep u body functionin properly.

hun plz dont let ur fear of gettin fat stop u gettin help i no its so hard n i no it feels lyk life wont b worth it if u put on weight but im promise u im more confident in myself than i was n im not worried tht i will get fat cos i eat properly n i eat stuff ana neva let me eat n im thin.

well done for gettin help hun, stay strong. ill pray for u n here for u if u need it.

Danielle xxx 

Hiya hun.

This message may seem a bit harsh- it's not intended to be at all but I think you need honesty here.

After reading your first message it was alot like how I used to be, just skipping a couple of meals and then reducing your intake at home, at first I don't think you felt as if oyu had an ED, it seemed like some sort of control issue, which evedently, all these things start with. Now, reading messages 2 months on you seem to have declined so rapidly, these feelings that you NEED to lose weight, especially when you have appointments to see people, goodness know's i'm much like that myself!

I think in your heart of hearts, you know what's happening isn't right, and you have mentioned the lack of colour in your hair, the fact that you are feeling cold etc. In some ways, and this is only my experience, actually being really honest with a friend or something can help. They can't take that control away from oyu, they can't stop you from doing what you do, but they may understand what's happening and be able to provide vital support if you're in a crisis. Afterall, these messageboards are good, but you don't know when people will be on here and sometimes taking time out with a friend and talking face-to-face can really help.

Ok, so that was the longest post ever! I hope some of it makes sense.

Take Care

x Kat x

Thanks for the comments. Sorry I haven't been on in a while, so much school work and stuff. Did anyone or does anyone have good times and bad times. Like when you think things are starting to get better, and then things start to get worse again. Like some kind of trick? I feel like such a failure at the moment because I feel I am eating too much. Even though I'm most probably eating far less than my friends. I just feel like a fraud. Do eating disorders do that to you?

I keep looking at myself in the mirror and thinking I so need to loose some more weight. Just a bit.  I just feel I dunno. Like a failure and I feel sick and I feel tried and I feel I just want things to stop, but I also don't want them to. I think I'd feel lonely if I didnt have something inside me saying right today you will eat blah blah calories, and only eat at blah blah time etc.

Very confused and unsure

xxxxAimiexxxx

hey sweetheart,

unfortunately hunni ed's do really distort our perception of things.

of course you will have good times and bad times sweetie, but gradually the good times will become more frequent, and the bad times less frequent.

I know that this will not change the way you feel, but you are never alone sweetheart, we are all always here for you.

take care,

lexy -xxx-

heya hun,

u will hav both gud n bad days but u hav to hang on to the gud days n aim to make them happen more often. i found when i tried to get betta or get help from someone or told someone fings got worse agen i fink its cos ur ED is fittein bak it doesnt want u to get betta n nos ur weaker on ur own n by makin fings worse itll put u off gettin help n then u jsut let it tak ova n ull neva get betta only worse.

ur not a fraud hunni, i wud say ur rite tht u eat less than others but ur ED sayin u eat too much means it can get u to eat less n less plz donr believe it hun ur probs not eatin enuf at all.

hun ur not a failure n u dont need to b any thinner u probs need to put on but even if u were literally diein from starvation ana wud tell u u need to b thinner. nothin is thin enuf for ana howeva thin u get it wont b gud enuf eva.

u hav to hang on to the bit tht wants this to stop cos tht is the real u but the part wantin fings to carry on n even get worse is ana. hun i thought id b so lonely if i let God heal me of ana but i wasnt lonely at all. i was so attached to ana, well i thought i was but i didnt struggle at all when she went i was just so happy. it isnt fillin a gap in u hunni shes replacin her own feelins wiv hers. shes stelain u hunni u hav to try n fite bak or shes free to totally tak u ova n itll b so much harder to beat. the longer u leave it the harder it gets.

i hope this helps stay strong , ill pray for u n im always here if u need me hun.

Danielle xxx

dannielle, i just want to say i think that you are an insperation to people suffering out there, and i agree with you when you say the longer you leave it the harder it gets.

its interesting that you called your voice ana, because the voice i had was a man. a strong, dominant and angry man. Did you actually hear a voice, or was it just thoughts?

x x x

Aimee-

I remember what it was like waking up with fear inside of me, not wanting to wake up because i could'nt bare the thought of eating. I'd of rather be dead then eat. but then i realized that wasn't me talking, it was the voice. :( I kept a diary, and in a way it helped me to write down my feelings, and it still helps me because i read it and think i never want to feel like that agin.

i understand how you feel about avoiding food altogther but food is a normal part of life, without it your hair will fall out, your skin will become dry and you wil grow dowdy hair to keep your thin body warm.

i rememer when i used to count up the amount of cals and fat i was "allowed" and not allowed to eat. and i think now, who is the voice to tell em what i can and cant do. why should it control me? i am my own self, not a slave of torture. and now i am comfortable when i eat. I donrt think about the caloies or fat, i just eat, and sometimes i enjoy. And i am proud that i enjoy because why should i not be allowed to eat?

try and eat something hunnie, trust me, what have you got to feel guilty about? you are not going to get fat, because i know i am not fat, and i eat like a normal person would. So just rememer food, is your friend, the voice is your enemy. look at it like that, and you will get through this!!!

becky x x x

Thank you, thank you all so much :)

I love each and every single one of you.

xxxxAimiexxxx

hey sweetie,

you're welcome =)

take care sweetheart and stay in touch.

let me know how things are going hunni,

lexy -xxx-

heya,

becky n aimie

i did hav a voice i my head sometyms they were just thoughts but sometyms it was another voice n it was a girls voice. at one point i gav ana a picture which helped. it was based on someone at skool, a girl hu i was friends wiv but hu had last yr mistreated me to the point she was bullyin me (fings r fine now tho :) ) but my pic of ana was of a girl wiv a perfect figure but also hair lyk my friends. sometyms havin a pic reminds u its someone else hu is mistreatin u n tht u need to fite agenst them.

aimie maybe try creatin a pic or an evil character for ana tht u can use to remind urself she is evil n u shudnt do wot she wants.

im always here for u hun n ill pray for u. stay strong hunni, u can beat this

Danielle xxx

It's strange that some people can have a voice and others do not. I don't have a voice telling me I am fat. Well i sort of do. It's thoughts though. But I will look at myself in the mirror and say 'look at you so fat.' Or 'Look at you so chubby.'

It's a horrible feeling. like there's someone inside you. Or that it is infact your self. It's strange the way the mind works. So baffling and amazing.

But I want to fight back. But then I don't, cause i'm scared that I will be lonely. It's like having someone there all the time. Even if they are mean!

Did anyone of you guys or are you going through a stage when you just wanted to be alone, not be with friends. Or have a great desire, almost a need for people to notice you at times? It's so confusing!

xxxxAimiexxxx

heya hunni,

at first i didnt hav a voice it came after i had bin ana for a while, i fink cant remember tht well n even after i did hav a voice it was sometyms still thoughts. hun i promise the thoughts u hav arnt urs n its more lyk someone else inside u n yes its a horrid feelin to fink tht someone else controls how i feel n wot im allowed to eat n thts y u shud fite agenst it.

hun i sed in my last post i based my pic of ana on someone in skool n my relationship wiv her had bin the same as my relationship wiv ana. i moved house at the end of yr 7 n started a nu skool i didnt make friends easily for a bit i was friends wiv 2 girls in my form but then they didnt want me anymore. so i was alone agen. it was simular for most of yr 8 sometyms they were fine wiv me other tyms they didnt want me n it was the same wiv other ppl i made friends wiv ppl n then they decided they didnt wanna b friends anymore. in yr 9 i became friend wiv these 2 girls agen n for a while it was gud i was happy but then they started askin me to do fings not in fings i shudnt do just doin little fings for them n i went along finkin i didnt want them to drop me agen n i betta do wot they wanted, but i got out of hand. they started forcin me to do fings even if i sed no  so i became scared of them but i still wanted to b friends n just did as they asked so we stayed friends i still wanted the happiness of havin friends even ones hu misstreated me but i want happy for a while i was bullied by thewm n i was depressed (it was sorted out n now fings r fine)

 tht was lyk my relationship wiv ana, but ana mistreated me. i had to s/harm as a punishment for bingin or puttin on too much, i was depressed but was convinced if i got to a certain weight id b happy n id stop but neva cud i just waned to b thinner.

ana will start makin fings worse n worse n ull still want her but it doesnt hav to b tht way the earlier u get help n fite bak the easier it is to get rid of ana. bein free brings true happiness hun. 

n yeah i often wanted to b alone but then i felt lyk i needed ppl. its a battle between u n ana. u wanted ppl to notice u need help n tht ur strugglin but tht makes fings worse for ana so she tries to make u wanna b alone. try n b wiv freinds even if u dont feel lyk it the real u wants it.

plz dont let ana mistreat u hunni, i hope this helped. ill pray for u n im here if u need me hun.

Danielle xxx

hey sweetheart,

I went through that stage around christmas time, where I didn't want anyone to be around me, but I didn't want to be alone either. To tell you the truth I didn't know what I wanted - I still don't sometimes.

mine isn't exactly a voice either, more like my own voice, but saying things that I would not normally say. kind of like to sides to me - like jekyll and hyde

hope you're okay?

lexy -xxx-

Heya

Ino how you feel    Sometimes I feel that I do not have the strength to fight back and that I do not want to.  other times I know that if I don'[t then that person will become stronger.  I wonder if that person/voice is fed by our fear and ED's.  If so then we need to try and fight back.  we need to try and keep the later thoughts in our heads when that voice appears.  It is hard though.  I want people to  notice what I do to myself but I also like the fact that I have a secret that they do not know about.  It is confusing but with hlp we can deal with all this.

I hope this makes sense I am not doing to well at the moment and I do not always make sense when I am.  You may feel alone but you are not there are people out there who cares and I hope this message  board helps you to see this.  We care about you and want to suport you and so does everyone else.

Stay strong!!!  keep writing and let me no how it is going!!

love

xxx

hey all,

lexy, what you said about being two sides of you is exactly what it's like for me!

I'm good thank you, well asgood as I can be at the moment! Hope you and everyone else is okay as well.

Speak to you guys soon.

xxxxAimiexxxx

awww sweetheart!!!

that's so good to hear!! glad you're doing okay at the moment sweetie!

things are a little tough, but I'm getting there I think, going backwards a little, but then that's just part of the recovery process I think?

take care,

let me know how you are,

lexy -xxx-

heya hunni,

thts great hunni, hav a fink abt y ur feelin gud atm n also try n remember this gud feelin so nxt tym u feel down u can hang on to the gud tyms. r u just feelin betta or r u eatin betta as well? if ur not try n eat a bit more while u do feel gud n well done if u r eaten betta.

stay strong hunni n let me no how fings r goin. ill keep prayin fo ya n here if u need me.

Danielle xxx

heya everyone =]

i just want to let you all know that i hope you are all doing well, and are keeping strong =] how are you all?? x

the voice i had was infact one of a man. a strong, powerful and angry man. i heard its voice, i didnt reli have voice, i heard a realistic voice that frightened me. but as i got stronger i decided that i wasn't goin to be bullied anymore. it was'nt fair! and wen i was strong and i managed to beat the bully and it vanished, and i was the powerful one again.

you could suggest i was like a tree i once owned, It was a healthy, beautiful tree and all of a sudden dark, ugly vines began to grow and the healthy leaves were dissapearing and becoming weaker. But one day i decided that i wanted to recover the beauty so i chopped away the bad leaves and once again the tree grew back to its natural form, elegant, independent and strong. And this time nothing can ruin that.

that is exactly ehat i went through with the voice, and i can promise you this, it will NEVER come back again, and if it does, i am ready to fight it!