to lillies258

Hi :)

Thank you for your lovely message. It really helped to cheer me up after i've had such a rough day. *hugs*

I would like to keep in touch with you on here if thats okay? You seem like a really nice person and you helped me a lot on the chat thing yesterday.

I don't really see how anyone could want anything i have. I am just a useless piece of rubbish to be honest, nothing more.

I'm too scared to write what happened today in case anyone recognises me, but it involved my mum phoning up the school and the whole sixth form lying to side with someone. I am really fed up.

sorry for going on,

-xxx- lillies

heya

hun i will talk to u for as long as u want i just wish i could stop the bullys for u

i kno wat its like to b bullied its horrid and u dunt kno who to tell who to trust and feel no1 can help

i sed on chat i dunt fink skools do enuf - i stik by that they dunt do enuf but it dusent mean u shuldnt tell them - atleast uve dun ur part by tellin them and if they dunt do anyfin u can take it further

do u hav any in skool supprt? i had a great skool nurse tht would see me all the time wen i just needed to tlk and get fings off my chest weva it was eating related or not

i can understand u bein worried bout writin wat happened i always get paranoid my family or therapist wuld read wat i put and work otu who i am by tht even tho i dunt use my name

is 6th form wat u want to do now? do u feel bein ther is good for ?

i had to loook it objectively - was carryin on my studies goin to benefit me or was it worth takin a yr out and tryin to get bit better first - i ended up goin bk after a week of quitin as i couldnt hack all the free time but i got extra supprt in place and sat all exams albeit with consideration given from exam board and did ok now on a yr out as i put my health at risk doin a levels as my eatin and purgign went hay wire - so basically hun do u fink its worth it all for now - u could take time out n start sumwer new wer no1 knows u - its drastic i kno n i guess i shuldnt encourage runnin away from the problems wid the bullys but i guess if its makin u so low and makin everythign else is it worth it

so u must hav exams comin up

hows tht all goin?

hunu r not useless u r strong kind and caring

just fink these ppl r ignorant as i sed b4 they bully u mayb for ther own insecurities - fink of it like intelligent ppl r called geeks and piked on for tht - thats becus the bully is jelous they r so clever

mayb these bullies r jelous of u

hmm im all lost i hav had a few drinks as ruff day but i will try n write betta 2moro as im off work for the day xxx

Hi,

I'm going to see my dad tomorrow. I have to go on the train, and i don't like trains after watching the film Unbreakable. That is a good film though, you should see it, although it is a bit scary in parts.

I also have a great school nurse. Maybe, because she is so amazing and has gotten me all this support and is helping me through my problems. She said that she thinks i need more therapy, because i'm not getting any better. I see her once a fortnight, sometimes once a week when things are going really bad, and i also see a psychiatric nurse in between seeing her. My psychiatrist seems to have forgotten about me.

I'm in sixth form at the moment, yeah. It is going really rubbish, and i think everyone hates me because people either ignore me or are nasty to me :(. God i sound so pathetic. Being there isn't good for me because it is making my ED worse. I think i might have lost weight.

My exams aren't going very well. I am trying to revise for two hours a day - i try to do more and i can't, because i am so tired all the time, and i feel so depressed that all i do is sleep, eat and revise, nothing else.

speak soon,

-xxx- lillies

you dunt sound pathetic at all

as i sed b4 u hav to assess wats best for u skool or health or rather which catalises u bein worse - so is it a help or hindrance?

fings here got a bit messy n ended up in hospital - not really related to my eatingdisorder but more to do with the other thing but my eating disorder made it mor dangerous

im ok now i left without full treatment as i couldnt hak it if my parents found out

i just feel numb at the moment like i duno how to explain but the food isnt an issue which is good but in sumways i wish thats how i coped the past few days as then i wouldnt of ended up in hospital

anyway hun its great u hav a great skool nurse i kno mine was a star and without her support i would of been so much worse atleast u hav her u can rely on and go by wat shes saying - if she finks u need mor help then go for it

just take on wat u can - so if u only feel able to revise a hour do tht and rest the rest of the time then that way u will probably get mor dun as u wont strss so much each time and u will feel better mayb ??

people can b pretty nasty at the best of times but wen they see somethign that scares them and they dont understand - im talkin about ur illness not u as a person they freak out and dont knowwhat to do so i guess a mechanism to hide how they feel turns to bullyin as a way to deflect there own issues mayb?

hmm im ramblin sorry head is a mush 2day havent caught up on sleep yet and feel a bit frazzled

take care let me kno how fings go xxx

p.s hope the train was ok i hate trains to

hope seeing ur dad was ok too xx

Hi,

Sorry i couldn't get on the computer on saturday. It's like half ten at night now and its the first chance i've had to go on my computer all day. I got back off the train at half seven on saturday, and then i ate something, which was horrible because it was something really calorific and then i collapsed in bed feeling really ill. I go like that when i go out shopping. I'm not very good with busy places, and the town was packed because there was a festival on, it was so awful.

It went okay with my dad and his girlfriend. The GF is really nice - i have met her before. My dad gave me £100 to spend because it is my birthday soon. I brought some nice things, including this metal wire shaped heart with beads on it which hangs from a ribbon with a bow (it's pink), a book, a cd, some shoes, etc. I enjoyed spending the money, but my dad seemed preoccupied with something. It was really weird. I got off the train, and my dad looked me up and down, and the smile vanished off his face just for a second, but enough for me to notice. So now i'm thinking: i've either put on masses of weight or i've lost weight. That is worrying me now. :(

I think if i was at home, not at school, i would just be tempted to stay there all the time, and that is where i would spend my life, in my room.

I'm sorry you ended up in hospital - do you want to talk about it? If you do, i'm here for you *hugs*

I think that the people at school think i am a weird freak whose weight fluctuates loads, has no friends and belongs in a psychiatric hospital (someone said that to me once, with a knowing look on their face). I don't know how much they know about me, but they treat me really badly. I can honestly say that i have been bullied for 14 years, and i have never been bullied as badly as i am being bullied now.

Got to go to sleep now :(

hope you're okay,

-xxx- lillies

Hi,

sorry, forgot to mention that i found a pattern in my depression today. During the week, mon-fri i feel really depressed, then saturday i feel a bit better through to sunday early afternoon, then after that it slowly comes back on me again ready for monday. I think it is school related. I told this to my mum and she agreed with me.

-xxx- lillies

hey hun

im feelin alot better this eve

it sounds like school is a big issue for u and all ur problems

u yr 12 or 13?

i think ur dad is just very worried and men dont know how to deal with body image aswel do they

sounds like u had a good shoppin trip im tryin to save hehe

its good u like his gf it will make it a whole lot easier i guess

i understand wat u mean by u would stay in ur room i spent a whole summer either walking or in my room as i couldnt face the outside world

i am k i guess things got to me and as i was determined not to let food b my way of controlling my feelings i turned to drink and then the rest followed

i still feel fragile in mind but theres peeks and troughs through the day so one moment things r all happy then next im reaching for a way to stop feeling dus that make sense? i am now going to aim to get my life back on track and live it for me - i have always belived i had to be there for my mum and family i put my life to the back now i live for me n to hell wat they fink

hmmm i can say it now lets see if i can do it haha

hun im so sorry to hear uve been bullied so much i wish i could stop it for u i really do u seem such a lovely person its so wrong they do this to you

hun u r ill its not ur fault and if they bully u cus of it mor stupid them - i cant fink of wat to say on it as its very hard to kno wat ur going fru but im here if u wana tlk bout it all n let it out xxxx

Hi,

I understand what you mean by peaks and troughs. Monday is my worst day, because i have a whole week of school, although i hide this fact from people, and saturday is my worst day, because i'm not at school.

I'm in year 12 - i get no study leave at all. My head of sixth form thinks it is pointless and unneccessary. I don't think it is.

If i drank * then it would probably kill me because of all the medication i am on.

I saw my school nurse today and she told me that she'd spoken to my head of sixth form and told her what she thought of the whole bullying situation. It sounded like they had an argument. Over me. Uh-oh. Basically, my head of sixth form said that i shouldn't be answering the bullies back, so then my school nurse said to my head of sixth form that if the bullies weren't nasty to me in the first place then i wouldn't have to answer them back. I thought that was a fair point. My school nurse seemed pretty fed up with the head of sixth form : / 

Haven't eaten much today, but then i really don't give a damn about my eating anymore. It is just too much effort.

take care,

-xxx- lillies

aw hugs hun i kno they cant do much but to let u kno im here n listenin

ur skool nurse sounds gr8 which is good for u atleast u hav 1 person ther for u on ur side 

ur head of yr seems not so good at all - i fink study leav is a triky subject and depends on the skool ur inbut mayb u could just take a few days sick ??

its such a hard situation ur in u dred skool but its also safe i guess from the pressures on eating ??

hun u must eat and give a dam becus if u dunt skool wil become worse and worse harder n harder so mayb if u keep in mind wat u want - good grades and to do well

too much effort ye - im not suprised its so hard for ya but u hav to keep fighting

xx

sorry if tht became preachy xxx

Hi,

I took a day off sick today - although i was actually ill. I might be going to the doctors next week because i keep feeling ill and light headed all the time. I don't see how it can be weight connected. I think i might have anemia (not enough iron or something) because i feel so tired all of the time.

I feel so guilty saying this, but yesterday afternoon i started self harming again, on my leg. I really couldn't help it. I just wanted something to take this incredible pain i feel away, and for a minute after i did it the pain was gone. I know it's wrong but i can't help it. I'm in a right state. I have all these things wrong with me and i will probably end up being sectioned or something because everyone thinks i am messed up in the head, which i suppose i am.

I find it easier to eat at school in a way, because my mum isn't there moaning at me about not eating enough, but everyone watches me eat, so i have to go and eat in an empty place where nobody can see me, and i hate people seeing me eat anyway, because i think that they think how can such a fat person eat all that food?

I'll be quiet now because i sound really stupid,

-xxx- lillies

hey

i hope ur feelin better

u shuld see the doc it wuld b gd to

i always preferd eatin at skool on my own it was easier lyk u say

try not n feel bad about the s/h i understand  wat ya mean about takin pain away

u r not fat hun

hun ur ill its not ur fault and u need help its not ur fault

u dunt sound stupid at all u sound lost and scared and thts ok

hun just take each day at a time n dunt b too hard on urself

xxx

Hi,

I've been restricting for the past three days.....can't help it....feel so depressed

My dog died today - i am very upset

I'm still self harming. I can't help that either. I sound so stupid, not being able to help anything

Sorry this is so short, but i haven't got the energy to write,

take care,

-xxx- lillies