hi - im recovored but here for anyone hu needs it

hey

i fink u r really great - u hav always been so supportiv on here

im sort of recovered myself and have been for 6 months with v few problems with b/p restrictiny  or binging now but im finding it hard to fully regain control of my life and feel ok about weight and i guess a life without the food as my sort of release the way i delt with my problems covering them and releasing it that way.

how have u managed to stay strong? how hav u been able to accept ur weight? i havent even gained that much but i find it incredibaley hard and akltho i kno my weight is only just into healthy i find it so hard some days

im not christian myself i kind of lost faith as i got older altho i was brought up going to church and believing in god however my mum lost alot of faith when i became taken over by the eating disorder and some other problems in her life and family life she lost faith and i guess it stopped me from thinking into faith more - if any of that makes sense

how did you not lose your faith? i dont know hun i find it hard to understand y god would torment one so much it says in the bible God doesnt deal what the person cant cope with but on many levels in mine and my familys life this hasnt been so - i could understand if we were bad ppl and had done wrong but we havent

i dont know hun im sorry to questiion faith but i wonder how u keep strong /

take care

Heya,

I really struggle with my eating and have read many of your posts to other people.  I know that I am not a new girl anymore but it has always amazed me how you have stuck by your faith.  I used to be a regular church goer up to about 4years ago when things started getting really hard.  Before that I had almost complete faith in God.    I want to start going back to church but I am too scared because of what I am doing to myself through eating and self harm and the fact that I blamed God for it all. 

I guess what I want to know is how did you manage to keep your faith through your ED and not just want to give up on it?

You seem like a strong person. Well done for recovering and fighting/beating your ED.

take care

xxx

hiya,

sorri but lyk the other day i just cant seem to concentrate atm so i cant reply properly 2day but ill try n reply properly soon. im just a bit busy n sleepy so i cant seem to rite anyfin rite lol

ill pray for u both

stay strong luvlies

Danielle xxx

hiya lollypop,

well done on pretty much recoverin :D most of the tym it has bin easy for me as when God healed me he totally took away the voice n the thoughts so most of the tym i hav a totally normal relationship wiv food n weight. tho sometyms it tries to sneak bak in agen n its starts gettin harder n i hav to jsut try n stand up to it n ignore it til i giv God a chance to heal me agen n get rid of all the thoughts n then its easy for me. n the same wiv the weight, God allowed me to c for myself wot i looked lyk n not c the distorted image of my ED n as i cud c i was reali reali thin i wanted to put on. He also lited me self image/esteem so tho i hav bad days most of the tym im happy wiv how i look, certainy enuf for it to not put me down.

i did kinda lose faith n God while i was ana, i still believd he was there but i didnt lyk him anymore, i kinda jsut fell out wiv him for wot he let happen n stuff. tho i kept goin to church n my youth groups partly cos i enjoy them n hav gud friends there also cos the church youth worker was a great support for me. i spose also it was cos of last summer when i went to * (a christian camp for young ppl) n saw God do some amazin fings in me n others.

hunni u may alreadi now this but just in case u dont:

I think God created us so he cud luv us n we cud luv him, for tht luv to b true it has to b opptional, luv wudnt b luv if it was forced apon u. so God gav us free will. tht free will also gav angles choice abt whether or not to luv God n one angel (now known as satan) rebelled agenst God n so was banashed from heaven n sent to hell along wiv all the angels hu sided wiv him (now called demons).

hunni its hard for me to comment on whether or not wot u n ur family goes thru is more than u can take but ur rite n sayin thts wot the bible says. but hunni u hav to understand God didnt want u to b put thru this, lyk i sed either to help others or it may b he will use this for u to learn to trust him n rely on him. if sure someone else cud giv a betta answer to this but ive tried 

hunni its gud ur finkin abt the faith of others n abt God n askin these questions. ill pray for u n if u hav anymore questions ill giv them a go too, im happy to help.

i spose i just keep strong not in my strengh but in the strengh of the holy spirit livin in me

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

hiya butterflies,

hunni it doesnt matter ur not nu ill post to anyone. hunni goin bak to church cud help u. even tho i fell out wiv God while i was ana i still went to church n youth groups tho partly cos of my freinds but i also got so much support from my church youth worker. hunni its bin pointed out to me tht even tho i hav blamed somefin on God, i havnt doubted his existance. so kyk me u still belive in God so u shudnt b scared abt goin bak to church. if u not wanna go bak to the same church try a nu one. u dont hav to tell ppl abt ur ED unless u want to. i dunno how old u r but u mite b able to join a youth club (i prefer these to church) also some shurches hav a youth worker hu u can talk to n get prayer from, u cud talk to anyone im church but a minister or youth worker will probs b more qualified.

ur question is answered in my last post but i spose i kept my faith cos of the amazin fings i hav seen God do n thru the holy spirit in me helpin me n the support i had form my youth worker.

hunni im strong cos of God I pray tht he will help u. im happy to answer any more queations or jsut support u so feel free to post anytym

stay strong beautiful 

Danielle xxx

Heya sweety,

Thanks for that.  I am 20 and live in two places and I suppose countries (because of uni).  Scotland and enland.  I keep wanting to go to a church in scotland that I thought looked good but always felt dirty and ruined when I stepped in  a church.  I occassionally go to the one that my family go to down in England but I am always close to tears during or after the service and spend the rest of the day feeling low and bad about myself.  It is hard to explain.  I guess I just do not feel at peace with him yet and yet I know he is waiting for me for when I turn back to him for good.  I guess I am just getting confused with what God wants from me.

take care

xxx

heya hunni

if u 20 u mite not b able to go to youth clubs but hunni u shud try n go to church. hunni dont feel bad abt bein in church, hunni God accepts anyone hu accepts him. hunni all God wants is for ppl to beleive tht Jesus lived, died n was resurrected for everyone n thru him ur sins r forgiven.  hunni he forgivies everyone even if they keep messin up he just wants them to let him help

 u jsut need to no tht i think he will forgive people for anyfin even if they keepmaking mistakes.

hunni u dont hav to go to church atm if u dont wanna but try puttin some gud christian music, if u dont hav any or wanna try somefin nu then go to a religious radio station 

anyway i hav to go but im always here n happy to answer anymore questions u hav n ill keep prayin loads

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Thank you.

How are you doing?

xxx

heya hunni,

its fine

im gud today thx n im on half term now :D

how r u doin? hav u done anyfin abt wot i sed yet? i cant force u but i so recommend it hunni

ill keep prayin for u n im always here if u wanna talk

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya

I am on my summer holidays and job hunting. (I am a uni student)

Things are getting hard at the moment and I know I need to see a doctor about it but things r a lil more complicated than that.  I study in scotland and so my doctor is in scotland with my supoort network and they will not do anything whilst I am down here.  It's hard because the scotland people do not know how bad things are in terms of my ED and myself.  They do not realise how bad my laxative taking is and...or anything. I just feel like a mess and unworthy + tired and alone with noone.  My parents are still not aware of my ED.  It is alll just complicated and I wish it wasn't.

Sorry I am being depressive. It's worse when I feel like I should be able to get over things because I am 20 and that that is what adults do. Cope with problems.  Sorry I still have child beliefs sometimes. Long and complicated story.

As for what you have suggested no not yet but I am going to try to go to chirch tomorrow but I am dreading is because of how I am feeling about my faith.  It is worse when I find out that people who are younger than me have made the choice to be baptised. 

Hope you are doing ok.

take care

xxx

heya hunni,

sorri iv enot got bak to u but satan is puttin me off postin to ppl but ive decided to ignore him n reply to u

ur so lucky to b on summer hols ive still got 7 n half skool wks left n 3 exams in tht tym but its half term this wk :D

wot r u doin at uni?

hunni r u gunna b down here til september cos if u r then u reali need supportin between now n then. is there anyway u can c / speak to ur support nettwork? hunni u reali need to tell them how bad it reali is so they can proberly help u. hunni i promise u not a mess ur definatly not unworthy of anyfin n ur not alone hunni. fink abt tellin ur parents, rite them a letter if thts easier but if ur gunna b home for a while they cud reali help u.

hunni it doesnt matter how old u r n just cos ur older than me n hav started adulthood it doesnt automatically mak u able to get ova problems. n it doesnt matter if u still hav child beliefs.

did u manage to go to church? how did u feel? hunni it doesnt matter if ur a christian or not or just dont get on wiv God everyone has the rite to go to church especially ppl lyk u hu need his help. hunni a few yrs ago i felt eveyone my age was bein baptised n tht i shud too but i didnt feel readi in my faith so i didnt. u probs dont wanna no this but i few months ago after i stopped hatin God for wot happened wiv my ED i started finkin abt baptism n soon after i got healed of ana n i made the decision to get baptised so i am nxt month. hunni baptism isnt jsut for yoing ppl n some get there before others r readi n its no reflection apon u or ur faith. hunni im sure u will get baptised one day when its rite for u. i want readi til i realised tht God was in control of wot happen wiv my ED n tht he has a plan for me n he will n is usin me ED for gud

yep im doin gud

hunni ill pray lots for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I did not go to church (there was not any room for me in the car, feeble excuse I know but I did want to go).  Listened to worship songs today in the car though. My mum did not think that I wud not want to go to church as I have not gone for a long time.

I am a christian and I do believe my faith has just been tested a lot and I fel I am struggling to complete the test in a good way.

I study psychology which is really ironic compared to what I am going through at the moment and I am really enjoying it.   My support system has made it obvious that they will not help me whilst I am down here.  They have made this plain and clear. So I am completely alone.  I want to see my gp down here as I am worried I may have done some damage to myself and feel that this wil help me tell my parents but seeing the gp is scary enough.  My parents think it is because I am anaemic (due to being a vegetarian) and that my problems will be because of my iron tablets...or rather that is wat I have lead them to believe...

I still feel like I am a mess and that it is impossible to get out of it all.  I know what I am doing butI can not help it.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It is really good being able t talk to someone who has recovered from their ED. I am just scared that I may start you back up again.

thank you.

xxxx

heya,

hunni if u cudnt go this wk try goin nxt wk, mayb mention before hand u wud lyk to go so ur family no in advance. its gud tht u put on worship songs. i hav some reali great ones tht i cudnt live wivout, they help me so much to focas on God durin the bad tyms n the gud.

my faith has bin tested a lot the past few yrs n hav totally failed the tests at points n turned my bak on God n hated him for wot was happenin but i hav always turned bak in the end n all u need to do is confess n ask for his forgivness.

do u no wot u wanna do once uve finished uni yet?

i wud advice u to c ur gp if u fink tht u may hav damaged urself. hunni it wud b great to tell ur parents as well. if u manage to tell them first u cud ask someone to go wiv u to the gps.

hunni it is possible to get thru this, trust God to help u, i no how hard it is to stop this but u hav to keep goin.

its fine im happy to pray for ppl. hunni u wont start me up agen. im still tempted bak by ana but she always starts weak n i no to jsut let God sort it out. im fine talkin abt EDs on here n it doesnt affect me, i no i cud neva go bak there agen.

ur welcome hunni, ill keep prayin

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

ps cud u pray for me, i s/hed badly yesterday n havin to work hard to not today :(

Heya,

Yeah Of course I will pray for you.  Self harming is not a good way of coping thinking in a rational way,  I do it when I am really stressed or really low . Well done for trying not to self harm today. Just take one day at a time. 

I want to be a clinical psychologist once I have graduated and done my Phd. I have a huge interest in abnormalities and peoples personal crisis. (sorry this sounds so wrong). I am into people and it seems to be the only thing that I am good at...giving advice.

I never tell my parents anything to do with my health unless it is confirmed as serious as an adult they do not have to know anything and when it comes to my parents, and |I love them dearly, it is best that they know nothing at the moment.  I am not putting my university place in jepody. Sorry I am stubborn but they just would not understand.  When my problems started (that lead on to my eating problems) I went to the gp six times behind my parents back until it came to the pooint of having to let my mum know that I needed proffessional help because they would not take me unless my parents knew.  That was when I was 14. 

I am ok today am feeling good.

take care

Let me know how things are going in terms of s/h.

hugs

xxxx

heya hunni,

thank u :) i no its not gud, i reali hate it n feel so awful after but satan n ana use it as a punishment cos they no i hate it. id done well n not done it properly for months (well i hadnt cut myself). n i managed not to yesterday n so far today tho satan is alwys whisperin stuff to me tht make me want to n im jsut havin to put on christian music n trust God to get me thru.

hunni it doesnt sound rong , its great to b able to help ppl n giv gud advice n u do giv gud advice on here hunni.

i dont tell my parents much either, id tell them nothin if i cud tho cos i still live wiv them its hard not to. hunni i understand y u dont want ur parents noin. it was my youth worker hu told my mum, cos she had to reali cos of wot i was doin to myself, tho she kept it secret for a while but i just got worse. but she did tell me she wud beforehand

well done for takin urself to ur gps n then admittin it to ur parents n sayin u needed help.

its gud ur gud today, tho im not. im a bit down n rite now all i wanna do is s/h n its so ahrd not to cos satan just constantly whispers tht i do n itll help but i kno it wont but he wears me down. so im jsut gunna go on a bit here cos i fink itll b t soon n tak up some tym.

a while a go God told me he wanted me to become a youth worker for a church so thts wot i wanna do when im older. n im gunna do my work experiance in december wiv my youth worker.

unfortunatly t is gunna b ages so im gunna hav to go n jsut try n pray, my music is helpin but i dunno how much longer i can hold it off. i jsut feel i need it n i no its a lie but i dont fink im strong enuf :(

stay stong beautiful n we can pray for each other

Danielle xxx 

Heya sweety,

It is really good that you have ambitions and that your youth worker is supportive with everything you have been through and going through. 

Keep going strong with the not self harming. i know that once you start it is hard to stop again.  I too am on here passing the time (hence why a 3:30ish am post)  I am suffering a small bout of insomnia which is doing my head in because it means that I am the only one up in the house and it is really quiet.  But it is nice at the same time because it gives me space to think.  I am also texting samaritans atm to keep me going so I guess I am not going to well atm.  My past is catching up again and my eating has got worse along wiv the laxative abuse.

What else do you enjoy doing?  other than music...it is good to have a back up so when one thing fails you can go on to another.  I like writing it brings me freedom so when ever I want to cut I write down my feelings instead and it often helps me work out why I feel like that.  Or I go for a walk and take notice of the world I often end up in the common sitting and making out patterns in the clouds whilst I keep myself out of danger.  I was told when I was 18 to throw away the thing I cut with ina bin that was outside my house and one that I could not get into to get it back.  It helped for a bit until I found something new and then I just gave up with that idea but you could  try it and see if it works for you although it is a hard thing to do but it stops it for a while.

I have got a doctors appointment for next week. just thinking if you have started self harming again maybe you should make one???

Take care

I will keep praying.

hugs

xxx

heya,

havin somefin to aim for helps me wiv skool n stuff otherwise i kinda stop carin.

yes i no im a lucky to hav someone hu has been such a massive help to me thru so much :D

how r u? im reali gud atm, i went out to youth club n spent the whole tym alone jsut lettin God sort stuff out agen so now anas gone:D which is great cos my youth worker sed hav to tell my mum if  i didnt stop which i so didnt want cos she doesnt believe tht God eva healed me (even tho shes a christian) n when i relpesed before n told her it jsut proved to her tht he hadnt even tho he had.

so now i can eat agen as id bin restrictin agen recently n it also means i shudnt s/h cos i only eva s/h when satan has a hold on me n maeks me as i cant bring myself to do it. i s/h reali badly on fiday n then on sunday at youth club i reali wanted to but didnt hav anyfin but i still hav loadsa scars n im spose to b swimmin in skool on friday n reali need an excuse cos itll b ovious n i dont want ppl to no i s/h.

i lyk bein in the house alone but only cos its betta than havin my family in but yeah it does get quiet i often put the radio on loud so its not so quiet.

hunni if u need to txt them do but dont put urself down abt it a\t least ur doi somefin to help urself instead of jsut sittin there n watchin all this stuff tak ova u. hunni if u wanna talk abt anyfin from ur past i reali dont mind as long as ur fine  wiv it. hunni im sorri but i cant rememebr wot ED u hav? n im sure uve heard this so many tyms before but laxative abuse is so bad for ur body hunni. i no uve gps comin up soon so try n mention abt the laxatives.

um duuno sometyms i will read or pray or go on the computer also i find tv reali helpful especially if its somefin i canl lose myself in. prayin is sometyms reali gud if im allowed cos sometyms satan will shout at me each thm i try n pray. i dont enjoy writtin tht much n when i fell lyk s/hin i wudnt b able to concentrate at all so i dont fink tht wud work for me. i hav plenty of fings i cud myself wiv but last tym my youth worker was prayin wiv me  startin wantin to s/h n all i was doin was finkin abt stuuf in my room i cud do it wiv n eventually told her n she moved them away form me but i kept tryin to get at them so so dropped them out my window then i thought of somefin else so she got rid of tht as well.

let me no how ur gp n self help group goes. ill fink ill b all rite now anas gone but thx for the suggestion. im sorri this is so long n probs makes no sence as its lyk midnite opps id betta go sleep as i hav to b up n lyk 7 n half hrs for skool n i hav an exam 2moz but it shud b easy so quite confident.

hunni if u eva wanna talk abt anyfin im always here n ill pray for u. cud u plz pray tht im protected from attacks of satan n will resist them if they happen.

stay strong beautiful *hugs*

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Cause I will.  I am sorry you have had a difficult time but I am glad that you have been able to keep strong with God's help.

Doctor took blood am waiting for her to get back to me with the results. I am also ment to see her in three weeks time.  She was really helpful and although she wants me to go to an ED clinic she is aware that by the time I get in I will have to go bac to uni.  So she has organised an urgent referal to a psychiatrist down here so I will hopefully have support not only in Scotland but down here as well and hopefully both psycs will be able to carry on my treatment together.  Or so my doctor says.  I went to the group and took a really close friend. We were the only ones arrived but for me that was good as I was not ready to met other people. It was helpful and it has given me some hope for recovery.

I had a really hard morning as I found that I had failled a module so I took a load of laxatives and have yet to eat anything and forced self to cycle.  It turns out the grader had put up the wrong marks and changed them and I have now passed the module but only just. So I do not have to go back early. So I have completely passed first year of uni.

I am confused, tired, and a little bit low but I am feeling ok...in otherwords I am average.

hw did the exam go?

Hope your ok

Take care

xxx

p.s. will pray.

heya hunni,

yep had a bit of a rough wk but i managd to get thru which is gud n i feel betta n tho satan still tells me to do stuff i dont wanna its easy to tell him to jsut stup up n go away, but everynow n then he gets a hold ova me n its harder to ignore him.

hunni its great tht ur gp was helpful :D n its great shes tryin to get u urget help n support. well done for goin to the group n its gud u took a friend. can u get her to support u when u havin a hard tym. hunni im glad uve got some hope for recovery. hunni u shud reali try n get here cos its so much betta bein free.

hunni im sorri to hear abt ur mornin n i hope 2moz will b betta. hunni when u saw the gp did u say abt ur laxative abuse? hunni its great u passed ur yr at uni :D its so unfortunate they made tht mistake it cud hav totally changed ur day n prevented so much. hunni i wanna congratulate u on passin, its such a great achievment especially considerin everyfin ur copin wiv so well done n big hugs :D

hunni as i was typin this i felt God say tht he want to say he will help u thru this :D

my exam went reali well, it was easy.

hunni i hope u feel betta 2moz , thx for prayin, im prayin for u loads.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Yeah It was in the letter I gave to her, that was why she took bloods to check my salt balance? She reackons that it will come bac as a concern but I don't think that I will come back saying anything except that everything is normal.  All my blood tests in the past have said this so what makes this one different?

I hope God will help I canna do this and I am so scared.  I took laxatives recently without eating anything.  Then when I ate something I just wanted to get it out of my body. I feel so fat and ugly and I do not believe the mirror lies. It shows me this lump of lard.

Well done for fighting against Satan.

Hope you are ok.

Take care.

xxx

Your strength is amazing.

heya hunni,

well done hunni :D but u need to stop tellin urself ur not harmin ur body. wot maks a differnce is tht uve bin abusin them longer than u had last tym. hunni nxt tym u c support either here or scotland tell them tht u need help wiv this.

hunni u hav to remember tht God is always wiv u n will neva leave u. hunni u need to trust him n pray for his help n believ tht he will help u. hunni plz plz try not to tak them esepcially when u havnt eaten. hunni i no the fellin tht u jsut need to get it out of u but hunni ur body needs it n leavin it in there wont amke u fat.

hunni i promise u ur not fat or ugly hunni ur a beautiful n gorgeous person dont lat ana tak tht from u. hunni cos i was healed in such a short space of tym i cud easily c the difference it makes. hunni when i was healed the first tym i went out to youth group feelin so fat n ugly n horrible n i so hated the way i looked. but then i got healed, ate loads came home n i lookin in the mirror n saw tht not only was i not fat i wasnt evn thin i was so so thin, too thin. my bones stuck ot badly n it was basiclly awful n not gud at all. sfter i put on wieght n got bak to healthy i saw tht i was te rite weight, thin but not too thin n i cud c tht i was beautiful :D hunni its the same for u to say ur a big lump is i massive fat lie n its so not true.

God has helped me n im stronger agenst satan atm hunni its not my strengh i live off its the strengh of God n the holy spirit tht lives wivin me. im gud today thx :D how r u doin?

stay strong beautiful, im prayin lots

Danielle xxx

heya,

That is really inspirational. Am getting weighed tomorrow and although I am normal weight it is still scary. 

My mum has also found out I told her today and  she is angry.  I am scared of recovery. Not sure that I want or can let go.

xxxx

How are you doing? Are you ok?

take care

xxx

heya hunni,

thx glad it was helpful

hunni i no how bad u feel when u no ur gettin weighed, is it by ur gp? hunni if u r normal weight u shudnt b worried. i ahted bein weighed while i was ana cos i nu they wud say i didnt weight enuf i needed to put on but ana wud shout FAT at me. let me no how it goes.

hunni well done :D i no its so hard, i wudnt tell her myself. hunni shes pros only angry tht u had bin sufferin wivout her noin. hunni God healed me on a sunday n he told me earlier in the wk tht he wud. but when it came to it i was so scared n almost didnt let him do it, i didnt no how to live wivout ana n didnt no how i wud cope n wot id fink abt or how much a person eats n how to react to food n how id come when i put on weight n i had a chance to hav it totally removed from me n to b totally healed so hunni i understand how u feel but im gunna b here for u all the way thru. n hunni to b free of this is so amazin, neva giv up hunni u hav to get bak ur freedom hunni it makes u so happy, its the most amazin feelin to live a normal life agen :D

hunni they will work wiv u to let it go hunni u hav to rememebr tht tht feelin is from ana n is more lies. u can live wivout it n u will. all those fings above tht i was scared abt where fine n it all came bak n i coped reali well n after seein wot i truely loked lyk i wanted to put on. its ana tht says u cant n wont let go n tht u dont want to cos hunni deep down u no the real u does n u will hunni.

hunni im doin reali well atm n im happy so hts gud, bit stressed abt skool tho ive so much important stuff goin on n need a break. how r u hunni, how is ur eatin n laxative use?

stay strong beautiful, im prayin for u

Danielle xxx

I know but now this is all so hard they are going to stop me from getting the weight that I want to be.

Glad you are doing ok

heya hunni,

hunni the weight u want is not gunna b gud for u n i bet its too low n hunni i no tht u feel thts all u want atm but hunni u gotta remember those arnt ur feelins its ana n they arnt true feelins only lies. hunni i no this is hard but hunni uve got to come thru this n beat it not giv in hunni, uve got ur hole life ahead of u dont giv it all up for a lie.

hunni u hav to cling on to God, wud i b rite in sayin tht u dont want his help cos ur angry at wot uve bin/goin thru n blsme it on him n dont want him in charge of ur life ( so sorri if im rong cos there quite strong claims but thts wot i fink i felt God say to me) hunni if tht is true then u need to say ur sorri n ask for forgivness n ask the holy spirit to heal ur heart so u can let go of ur anger n then God will help u but he can only do tht if u r willing to let go n forgive n he does want to n will . well i was doin well up til today. its cos a boy in my class sed i was fat n i no he didnt mean it at all, he didnt mean it hes a nice boy n was jsut jokin n i no im not fat n i thought i b ok n was for a while but satan is usin it to play wiv my mind n got me depressed so i hav bin comfort eatin which is irony cos eatin wont make me thin n hav so far managed not to s/h ova it tho i wanna. 

hunni u sed in lillies post uve lsot weight n it made u happy. hunni i totally understand how u feel but u no its bad n even if ur still in the healthy range ull keep sayin tht to mak it acceptable but soon u wont b, hunni i no its hard but u gotta try n keep it stable

ill keep prayin for u stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Sorry about the boy incident and it is good that you were able to know that he was joking. Well done for not self harming.

Your right about the feelings I have for God. Thing is I feel like I am constantly saying sorry to him and that now he will think that I do not meant it.

I hate this disease and I just wish that I did not have it and that I can  be back at peace with God again.  I cry at the knowledge that I am letting him down constantly and that I feel powerless to stop doing this.

I just know I have to lose that weight.  As a psychology Student I know tis is not healthy .I  do not have an ED what I am doing is normal. And yet I know it isn't..      I want to stop to get my life back but I do not know how. I just feel so alone right now.

Sorry for this post.

xxx

heya hunni,

dont b sorri hunni, i dont mind, i just wanna try n help u.

im glad a managed to not s/h tho did hav to days of bein depressed n comfort eatin to cope, feel betta today tho havnt totally stopped comfort eatin.

hunni all those feelin u hav abt God ive had them too more than once. God nos how u feel hunni u cant hide tht from him. there hav bin tyms when i wanted to trust God nasked for forgivness but in my heart i didnt mean it i cudnt let go of my anger. to sort it out i had to let the holy spirit work wiv the anger i had stored so i cud begin to trust him agen in forgivness i ment. hunni i was angry at God for abt a yr  n at points since but hunni he wants u to accept his forgivness.

hunni i no ur angry n u cant understand y u hav to go thru this but hunni u hav to try n trust tht God has a plan n is workin thru this wiv u n he is gunna use ur experences to do kl fings if u stick wiv him n trust him n i now its hard. hunni God is usin my experiences wiv ana to help u n other ppl on here.

hunni ur not lettin him down, hunni someone pointed out to me tht i hav a gud storng faith cos tho i cudnt understand y God was lrttin stuff happen n y i had to go thru stuff, i still believed tht he existed. hunni lots of ppl dont believe in God cos of all the bad stuff n it takes a strong faith to still belive he exists even if ur angry at him. hunni alone u hav the holy spirit livin in u n he is ur strengh n he can n will help u.

hunni plz dont deny u hav an ED, u cant say this is normal u no it isnt. hunni uve just got help cos u no u need help, has ur gp managed to sort u some help yet. hunni get ur mum to support u.

hunni im sorri this seems to b a massive preach to u. i no u feel so alone but hunni im always here for u, we can talk abt woteva u want n ill pray lots for u hunni.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

 the post is really sweet and some parts hit home. I have been like this for 6yrs, abnormal eating habits that is, and I have falling in to the pattern of it and it has become normal to me. Changing my habits is going to be a real  struggle.

I just want someone to tell me how to eat and not take the laxatives straight after. It is becomig another way of life. Another way of running away and coping with my underlying problems. I cannot let my mum help me. I am 20 ment to be independant...I have a job interview this afternoon...how can I rely on her for help. It is something I have to do alone. The help the GP has refered me to has yet to get back to me with an appointment to go and see them. It is just as if I do not have anything wrong. After all I am in a normalBMI range. Y should they help.

Sorry I am just so scared. I do not want to do this any more. I want to get out of this illness and yet It seems impossible to.

I am going to stop on this post for today. I do not think that saying anymore is going to be helpful for me or to you. I can not risk pulling you or anyone else down.

Take Care

xxx

heya hunni,

hunni i no its hard when some parts hit home but i hope it was helpful

hunni i understand tht they way u r around food seems the normallity it u can remember the way u shud b around food n i no ur habits r deeply ingrained n u cant imagine life wivout them but hunni u can do it. i felt lyk tht after 6 months so it must b a lot stronger after 6 yrs but hunni the normallity comes bak to u. i didnt no if id no how to eat after God healed me but my natural habits came bak to me straight away n i cud eat fine.

hunni u i hope u can get tht support soon, its not easy for me to help u wiv tht ova here but maybe try writtin the nxt days food so u r prepared for wot ur gunna eat. i no its hard for u to stop laxatives altogether atm but maybe say ur only gunna hav so many per wk n if u hav them all near the begginin ull hav none left n graudually decrese the amount u allow urself.

were u workin on the underlyin problems wiv ur team at uni? try n talk abt them here as well if u get ur referal. i hope u get it soon cos i nos its hard for u wiv no help.

hunni i understand how u feel to not want help from ur mum, i started pushin for more indepentance a while a go n dont lyk much help from my parents at 15 so i no y u dont want help from ur mum. wot job is it?

hunni just cos u hav a normal BMI doesnt mean u dont deserve help. u can hav a much worse relationship wiv food than someone hu has a low or high BMI. u deserve help hunni

hunni i no u just wanna giv up but u hav to keep fittin. hunni remember tht nothin is impossible for God.

hunni u can say woteva u want i reali doubt u cud say somefin allowed by beat tht wud pull me down. hunni im always here for u n ill pray lots for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

No I haven't really talked about it at uni as not had the time. Last time I spoke about them (except to police) was about 3 years ago  and that didn't help.

It helps what you say and I think that the reason it all hits home is because I know it is true but I really struggle to work on it.

ooo...that posted wen I hadn't finished writing.

I need to cope but I cannot do this I just like what I am doing. I do not undertand why someone would want to elp me if I am in my normal BMI after all, I am not stick thin. It seems like  I have to be this before any one takes any notice or decides that I do need help.

The job is in retail in La Senza. I will find out tonight if I get the job. It is only part time though but good money per hour and good discount and bonuses etc... uniform also provided.

Well I am off to look after a baby for the day.

How are you?

take care

xxxx

heya hunni,

hunni if u dont sort out the underlyin issues u will always be tryin to find copin methods the help u n must wont b any gud for u, so u reali need to sort out the reasons behind it.

im glad wot i say is helpful n ill pray tht u hav the strengh to work thru stuff.

hunni u do shudnt b doin this n tht its not helpful but u feel u hav no other way n hunni thts y ppl want to help u jsut cos u r damagin urself physically(u jsut cant c it) n mentally. hunni u do need help n its betta if u get help now so u can work on the underlyin issues instead of keepin ur body workin.

let me no if u get it. it sounds kl. i cud do wiv a job but im too lazy to do anyfin abt it n cos i live in a village its not easy to get to somewhere wiv work. but i cud do wiv the money. i spose ill hav more chioce once im 16. hav fun wiv the baby

well i feel fine but im still comfort eatin n relai bad. i jsut totally forgot to say yesterday. im not even depressed so i dunno y i need the comfort but i jsut do n im in a reali strong cycle.  it seems to b gettin worse.

it was also the last of one of my youth groups for the summer as the 2 ppl hu help my youth worker run it were on a gap yr n helpin at r church for a placement wiv christians in sport n tonite was there last nite wiv us  so the boys did ps2 n we were gunna do girly fings but neva did. we basically had lots food n sweets. i turned up n got hyper on nothin n then ate sweets n got so so hyper n jsut ran around n jumped abt n stuff. was the most hyper ive bin for ages. tho i felt sick after a while combination of overeatin cos i was comfort eatin n runnin around. n then we had to say goodbye n i wont c them for ages  n ppl srin lots n i kinda managed not to jsut which is gud cos i did wanna hav my make up run everywhere lol but  shud c them in august on a christian camp

anyway im ramblin n i need to go to sleep cos its late n i hav to b up in abt 8 hrs

i still a bit hyper lol,  dunno if u can tell tho, i reali wanna run around or jump up n down but everyones asleep n ill make loadsa noise so i cant anyway i best sleep off my hyperness lol

anyway ill pray for u n can u plz pray abt my obsessive comfort eatin

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Yeah you can tell you are hyper and that is really good.lol.

I will pray that you eat normal amounts although it is not that bad to comfort eat.

It is joyful and mad and crazy but you post has made me laugh.

I didn't get the job but hey I didn't really like the interviewer. She seemed like she would be nice to your face but nasty behind your back.

Take care of yourself

xxx

heya,

i just looked at my last post n yeah its a bit ovious lol. i did enjoy myself n it help cos otherwise i wud hav probs got reali depressed. i was so hyper tho n was still a bit hyper the nxt day so yeah i went a bit ova the top on* but i was comfort eatin n there was a big bag in front of me n i jsut cudnt stop. lol

i no its a lot betta than other eatin habits ive had but yeah i was worried tht if i kept it up i start finkin i was fat agen n started starvin myself but its not bin to bad. yesterday i still did it sometyms but not everyfin i ate n hav done it once or twice today but nothin much which is gud so thx for prayin but i still need a bit more prayer

im glad it made u laugh :D

mayb its betta u didnt get it then.

i will but u need to take care of urself too

stay strong beautiful n im prayin lots for u

Danielle xxx

ps how is eatin n laxatives n God n stuff goin atm

Heya,

Eating...do not go there...LAxatives not great still take them.... So I guess I am still not really taking care of myself.

God...well I went to church today. I had this sudden urge to go...I just had to go. I guess it was God telling me to in a strange way. Couldn't really understand why I had to go until I listened to the sermon and it basically said what I was looking for...do not get me wrong I do not really know what I was looking for but the sermon really got to me to the point I was crying.

I needed to here what my reverend had to say.  just put my mind to rest that even though I am not as 'fruitful' as I would like to be it is ok to be how I am. I am surviving in my faith only just but I am geting there. It was just how he talked...It is really difficult to explain the effect it had on me...it was just really odd. I stayed behind to be prayed for and that just made me cry even more but the women who prayed for me also gave me some encouraging words and just because I was crying she started to as well. I just felt safe. maybe not strong enough to beat this but like you keep telling me with Gods help I can beat this disorder.

I am strangely feeling a little positive.

Will keep praying for you.

Ooops sorry I am rambling.

I ubnderstand your fears but just face each day as it comes. If you want to eat something then eat it!!!! I wish I could do that.

hope you are ok

Take care

God Bless

xxx

p.s.  Met a friend yesterday who I haven't properly seen for 3 years and she said that she could tell that my faith was still there as she could har it when I talked about God (she too is a christian) and that It doesn't matter that I feel like I couldn't go to church atm it doesn't make me any less of a person or a christian in Gods eyes.

It just helped me hearing that.

take care.

xxx

heya hunni,

hunni i no its hard but uve got to try n look after urself. but u no tht.

hunni i reali glad u went to church yesterday :D hunni i no wo u mean wen u get a strong urge to do somefin from God hes done it to me a few tyms. n im reali glad u didnt ignore him tho is often hard not to. hunni God cares abt u cos otherwise he wudnt hav made u go.

hunni i no how it feels to end up in tears dont fink ive eva done it in a sermon but we recently got ur extended church bak n we had a special youth group wiv a guest seaker hu talked abt nu beginings which got me cryin a lot. which is unusual cos i hardly eva cry anymore even when i want to i jsut cant, i hav no tears but i proberly cried for ages n got mascara eveywhere littrerly. lol

hunni im reali glad it helped u. hunni God uses us thru r weaknesses n hes gunna use this. hunni erveryone goes thru hard tyms n has their faith tested, ull b one of many. hunni im glad u felt safe. n its great u stayed for prayer :D hunni u dont hav to beat it thru ur own strengh but thru Gods.

hunni thx for prayn im prayin for u too. im reali glad u feel more posive rememeber tht feelin. my eatin is all ova the place atm, satan is jsut tryin to mak life difficult cos its my baptism on sunday  yeah on minute i comfort eatin then nxt i wanna not eat n then i eat loads lyk im bingin. i had to get my friend to stand wiv me away from the food at youth group so i cudnt keep eatin n then i wanted to purge n the s/h basiclly i cant decide how i feel. today i cudnt decide if i was depressed or not or how i felt :S

its gud other ppl can c ur faith. hunni she is rite God luvs u do matter wot happens or how u feel n there notin u can do to change tht he will always luv u. hunni even wen i hated God n ran away from him he ran after me cos he cares

hunni does ur friend no abt ur ED? if sure shed b willin to support u.

hunni can u also pray tht i manage to inivte a perticual friend to my baptism. God wants me to but im scared tht shell fink its reali weird n im sayin abt ana in my tesimony n i dont want her to no but God clearly does cos he keeps prodin me to invite her but im too scared.

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

I am wondering if your friend is going down the track of an ED or knows someone who is and that is why God wants you to invite her and talk about your ana infront of her. Sorry I all of a sudden thought this as I was reading that part of your post. I could be completely wrong of couse...but if I am not it might be o f use for your friend to know that you undestand. It could also be that your friend really wants to find a church and start going wants to know more about your faith but for some reason I do not feel the same typing this as I did the first bit. But I certainly will pray for you.

Weldone and congratulations on getting baptised and may God be with you always through the good and the bad.  Remember the footsteps poem.  I hope that your faith grows and becomes stronger than it already is.

My friend does no about the ED she is supportive and didn't judge me on it either in anyway maybe because she knows about my past and my life.

May sound strange to you but I feel like it is my job to support, care and love other people and forget about myself. Taking care hardly exists in my own book.

I can't stop crying. Ever since sunday I have cried at the most stupidist of things and last night I wanted to SH because I could not stop crying. I still can't. I do not know what is wrong with me. It is stupid and idiotic and weak. Childish as well in some cases. Lst night I cried because my dad told my brother to go for the same job as I was planning to. I felt it wasx unfair. Then I cried because I felt guilty because I wanted him to have a job and I would love to work in the same job as him.  Today I rang the place up and they told me that there is no way I could get a job because I am not going to be around for the full three months training. So I cried again when I got off the phone. I was almost in tears coz I couldn't get to sleep last night and then this morning I cried because I did not wake to have to go to the loo last night because of laxatives instead had to go this morning. Cried coz had to babysit last night...and I love babysitting. I just can't stop crying.

I realy want a job though but know where seems to want to employ anyone or I am too good for the company that they feel there jobs ar e being threatened if they hired me etc.

Any way I am going to stop my ranting and raving. Flipping heck I am crying now coz I have rambled. Even your post made me cry.lol.

Keep fighting Satan...He is testing your faith but you are strong I will pray also for you to keep your strength up and be able to stand up to him.

God bless and take care

xxx

hey im gunna reply proberly 2moz as its late n i hav to b up for skool in 8 hrs n jsut aint sleepin enuf atm but thx for prayin it means a lot n im prayin for u too

stay strong beautiful -God bless

Danielle xxx

heya hunni,

i reali hope she isnt, we arnt as close as we used to b n i dont pay much attantion to how she eats anymore. but i no she cud easily mess her life up if she isnt careful cos shes smokes n does drugs n alcohol n has bin sexually active since she was quite young n s/hs n i no God wants to use me but tis jsut so hard but ur post did help me to fink abt y he wants tht n i dont wanna let him down its jsut so hard.

i luv the footsteps poem, we hav it in a frame on the wall outside the bathroom so i walk past it alot but hardly eva read it.  hunni i hope ur faith is streghened in tym n one day u may feel readi for baptism also.

hunni mayb u shud talk wiv ur friend more often, sometyms u feel more comfortable talkin to friends than proffessional cos they wont try n find a treatment or ascess ur mental state or woteva else theyt do.

hunni it doesnt sound strange, i sometyms feel a bit ly tht but i do tend to look after myself as well, but i do no someone lyk tht alot so yeah i understand.

 hunni im sure ull find u job soon. i jsut rely on my parents payin me to do stuff atm

im tryin but he is gettin stronger, i reali badly comfort ate ealier n almost binged n then had dinner n now

i feel i  n wanna s/h

God bless, im prayin for u

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

Hope you are ok. I do not know what to write except stay strong. I have given up with job hunting. Never going to get one so why try.

I have been refered to an ED unit and I am scared because I have heard that it is mainly an in patient treaatment anf I am not sure that I could handle being admitted but I could be...they know that I have recently been with CAMHS and nothing there has worked ob as I wouldn't be like this. However my blood tests came back completely normal except my protein levels are very low. My blood presure is fine and my heart as well as my BMI. Although my GP is very pleased and relieved about all this, but now I feel like I am wasting everyones time because I am not physically ill just mental with my ED.  I am just scared that for the remanfer of my summer hol they will admit me and then transfer me up to Scotland or not let me go back up to do my course. The only thing that is noticable is that my poor blood circulation (I react to feeling cold and turn blue) has got worse...I am feeling more tiered and low.

I feel that I just want to hand it all over to the ED now.

As for the friend I do not know if I have her correct phone number any more. She has my mobile number and email address but hasn't yet contacted me. Idon't want to burden her any more than I have done because she is just about to start a new job.

Hunny take care and have an amazing sunday withyour baptism. Is your friend going?

Let me know how it all goes. Will be think of you.

Take Care.

xxx

p.s. if you sh now then the cut will show when you get baptised. I do not think that is something that you want to happen. Stay strong Good luck.

heya hunni,

im not to bad but i got reali depressed this afternoon. i had no skool cos of a random TD day, but still had to get up cos i had baptism prep n then i had a clarinet exam n ive got coursewk to do.

hunni if u want a job u shud try n get one, itll keep u busy as well (if u want tht) keep ur eye put for ads but if u go finkin im not gunna get it then u wont, keep positive.

hunni i no tht ur scared by IP treatment, i was so scared of it i always deniyed i was anywhere near bad enuf. so i understand how u feel but mayb itll b wot u need. but hunni its great uve got a referal n will start gettin help. hunni u cud try askin to just to outpatient to start wiv n c if tht helps.

hunni im glad tht ur blood came bak almost fine, has ur gp advised u to do abt the protien, i spose its jsut eat more protein. my circulation was bad wen i lost weight n was always frozen. hunni dont feel ur wastin ppls tym cos hunni ur not n metal illness can b reali serious n u wudnt hav got refered to the unit if it wasnt. hunni the low protein n bad circulation r physical problems its not jsut mental n if u get help now it cud reali help prevent future physical problems.

hunni they wud only admit u if they felt i wud reali help or ur in serious danger of damagin urself n they wud only not let u do ur course if it was serious.

hunni promise me u wont hand urself ova the ur ED, if u do itll b a massive mistak, ive done it hunni ull regret it n itll b harder it get free agen n u will probs get amitted, hunni neva eva giv urself ova, plz

hunni if u hav no way of contactin her i spose ull jst hav to wait but if u do try n keep in touch, its useful to hav someone lyk tht thru this. hunni u wont b a burden hunni ppl tend to want to no how ur doin n wen ur strugglin but sometyms they dont no how to ask n if u want them to or how to help n dont wanna sound lyk there always checkin up on u.

hunni r u gunna go to church this wk? i kept jokin i wasnt gunna turn up so my youth worker made a rule tht if i dont come my towel girl will hav to b baptised instead lol, i fink tht wud b quite funny

my friend asked my on bebo wot i was doin for tht wknd so i replied sayin i was gettin baptised so now its on bebo for everyone to c, but ittl b fine. n also invited her n she sed she mite b busy but tht shed txt me if she cud n she asked for my number cos she cudnt remeber if she had it so it she didnt seem lyk she was sayin it to plz me but i still dunno if i wnt her to come or not but i do more than i dont its jsut im nervous abt her hearin all the stuff in my testimony. she also bullied me in the past n thts in there n it doesnt say her by name but shell no its her n i dont want her to feel bad. but at least i asked her n its up to God now n im plz i managed to invite her cos now she has the option n i wu hav felt lyk id let god down if i cudnt even tell her

i tend to cud where it wont show tho. im tryin not to tho n hav managed so far n i fink i shud b ok cos it only happens wen satan has a strong hold on me n he doesnt atm he is jsit temptin me. ill let u no monday wot happened

stay strong beautiful, im prayin

Danielle xxx

Heya,

weldone for asking her. It would be really good if she could turn up to. I know you are mixed about this but it would be good. How did the clarinent exam go?

I bet you are excited about tomorrow. I would be as well as a bit nervous.

I think you are amazing and plz do not ever forget that and weldone for not SHing.

I can't promise about not letting my ED take over. I just do not know what to do any more.I am a vegetarian which is why my protein levels are really low but  I am not going ot eat meat just coz of that. I don't really like the stuff. This is when all my eating problems started though becoming a vegetarian. I saw that I lost a lot of weight ad I like it, people even commented. So my eating problems grew, I started not eaating breakfast etc...and other stuff and it really made me feel in control and I was happy. that was six years ago and it has got a lot worse and I guess I am not in control anymore.

I am planning on going to church this week. Kinda have to coz I told y minister that I would be coming every week now.

I am just an idiot. Who really does not care about herself any more and wants to stay with the mask that says I am strong, bubbly happy amazing and someone that you can load off all your problems to. I really struggled to get out of bed this morning... even feel asleep on the loo. Have a babysitting job this after noon that is about 4 miles away from me and I have to cycle that but I really do not have the energy. But my parents are forcing me. It is the only way I can stop the ED from getting worse is by  not excerising...I love to exercise but...

I really hope you do not read this until monday. It is so depressing.

Good luck for tommorrow and enjoy it.

Take Care - God bless

joyful Hugs (for tomorrow after you get baptised)

xxx

heya hunni,

sorri but its only saturday but if i didnt read til mon i wudnt hav got the hugs for my baptism

i no it wud b gud n i do want her to come but she hasnt txt me yet so she mite not come. my exam was ok, i hope it was gud enuf to pass but i did totally muck up my scales sp not reali sure

i am startin to get excited, i was more excited last nite cos my body clock has bin a day a day ahead for lyk 2 wks now (long story) n i kept finkin it was tday. we hav some family comin up today so they r stsrtin to get here, ill b excited by this evenin wen it sniks it its is tomoz agen. but yeah i am a bit nervous as well.

thx but i dont fink the same way, tho i am plzd i havnt s/hed

hunni i understand tht u cant promise but plz reali try. i no u dont no wot to do but i cant promsie u tht givin into ur ED wotnhelp at all n will amke fings worse. wen is ur first appointment wiv the ED unit?

hunni do u hav protein subs? i spose u jsut cut out one fing at a tym n u didnt realise how little u were eatin n it jsut got out of hand. i can tell u tht ur eatin is contollin u not the otehr way round n ur gunna need help to change this.

im glad ur goin to church.

hunni ur not an idiot, hunni its normally easier to fix other ppls problems than ur own. hunni i often live wiv tht mask to but im lucky cos i hav my youth worker hu is probs the only person i let c behind tht mask n woteva is goin on

im tired too but only cos i stay up on my laptop wen i shud b asleep cos im neva tired in the evenins but am in the mornins.

i cant cycle tht far even if i wasnt tired, i am actually the laziest person eva n neva eva do any exercise wot so eva. so i am extremly unfit n i wanna change but im too lazy :( hav fun babysittin. y wont ur parents tak u it must b ovoius ur tired.

thx im sure itll b reali gud :D

big hugs hunni, u sound lyk u need cheerin up

God bless, ill pray for u lots

stay strong beautiful

Danielle xxx

Heya,

They did take me in the end. I would never have found it by myself. How was your baptism???!!!!!!!!!!????????

I hope it went ok. Never mind about receiving the hugs before hand you could have taking them with you.

Nah I do not have protein subs. I can't afod them and even if I could I would forget to take them.

I am still fighting and no I have not heard from them. Even if I did I would not be able to make the appointment I have just been given a full time job.

Hope you ar ok.

Hugs

xxxx