Eating

Yeah, same... I was actually thrilled to be able to eat again when I first started refeeding (heehee, sounds slightly strange - ahem, sorry), even though I had to keep constantly asking for reassurance... I know you probably feel like you're putting too much strain on your mum, family etc, but if that's what you need, then it's better to p*** them off than face it on your own. I've been finding it hard to eat lately, too, and I've found the only thing that helps me is trying to forget it and hold on to the normal things in my life - not exactly the longest list in the world, but just try to make a lot out of the little things.

Oh, and it is HEAVEN when you can start socialising again. Are you at school or do you have to stay at home? (I remember my Staying at Home period well...) When I was told I could do literally NOTHING but sit at home, I was so miserable at first that I didn't want to eat, but then I used it as motivation. I'm BACK at school now, and it's so AMAZING to have something normal in my life, nothing to do with eating. I know you've probably heard it before, but try to use that as some kind of help, because it DOES make it easier.

Good luck

Rae xx

thanks for the reply :)

well im doin supposed to be doin my gcses this year but have had to be withdrawn from most of them so not back at school yet, just in for a few exams like maths and english. im out of hospital for about 2 months now and my days are constant calorie counting etc. it just annoys me, i want to be able to stop thinking about calories. i think im also scared that when everythings back to normal again, things will stress me out etc nd ill stop eating again. hospital wasnt a bad experience for me so my mum cant really use that as a threat if i dont eat, you know?

im rambling lol sorry

if you don't mind me asking, hw old r u? nd wats ur story? don't worry if u don't like talkin bout it, its just sometimes its nice to know im not the only one whos been like this.

thanks a lot!!

harriet x

Haha, don't worry, I can live with rambling... it's all I do

I'm doin GCSEs as well! Hard stuff, since I spend abt half my lessons thinking abt calories - I know exactly what u mean, and I hate it too. I reached a point where I was just desperate not to think abt them, and hospital seemed like a brilliant thing because I actually WOULDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THEM (Hallejulah).

I didn't actually go into hospital, although I came close abt two months ago. I'd gone on a stupid diet because I felt hideously fat, since I weighed more than loads of the girls in my class. It was actually first caught early, before I could get down too low, and I was in recovery for abt a year. Then in January I started thinking excercise, and felt paranoid that I wasn't doing enough to work off the calories and I should do more. In the next few months I lost LOADS of weight... it got very, very bad for a bit, and they were really pushing hard to take me in.

There was one weekend where I just felt really miserable and depressed, and weak and cold, because I was so thin. I was told I'd be admitted on Monday, and I still had Sunday to get through, so I thought I'd either just stay in bed and not eat anything (because I couldn't take another day) or I'd just STOP wasting, STOP the excercise, think of a totally new day of eating the things I LIKE, and just try to enjoy myself before I get admitted.

It was very, very hard, but I got through the day - checking on every calorie, of course, but it was still a huge, huge change. And then because things were looking up, they gave me a chance and I've been trying to eat more 'normally' ever since.

I know what u mean abt the calorie-counting, though, and I'm so sorry because I know how hideous it is. I've been trying to escape from them, but it just makes me scared of what I'm eating. I think making me scared is The Voice's final go at me, though, and I really don't want it to win.

I know it'll be hard to eat normally again, and of course you want to eat less. What helps me is not thinking about it so much, which I know sounds stupid, but if you think about food less, you don't have to think of everything bad about it.

How r u?

Rae xx

(Sorry I talked so much )

good luck in all ur gcses!! i just had my music today lol

i guess mine was caught early too but it feels like ive had it for shorter than i have coz i guess i denied it coz i thought i was fat. my friend told me she thought i wasnt eating properly and over- exercising but i didnt believe her. it all started just over a year ago probably. it wasnt until my period stopped that i thought it was serious and thats when i let my mum get me help. i dont know about you or if ur in counselling or watever but it took us a good few months to find a conusellor, the first said they only took over 16s, we didnt live in the right area for the next so we went private nd then actually found a CAMHS unit 2 minutes  from my house. so by this stage id lost more weight and was eating barely anything. they threatened me with hospital lots of times and told me id be miserable if i got admitted but there was just no way i could eat anything extra i was so used to my routine.

i went into hospital, still didnt eat, and was tube fed for 6 weeks and i felt soooooooo much better than i had before. i wasnt as cold, i  could smile. and eating was just something i had to do.

but now ive been out of hospital a few months nd feeling better i guess ive kind of forgotten what it was like to be so cold and miserable nd thats why ive started thinking about food so much again i think.

im ok, but even in my exam today i was thinking that people were staring at me thinking how big i was, which obviously they werent!! for a while i was able to eat food out but recently i cant bear the thought of not knowing exactly whats in my food.

right noww i really want to go do some exercise but im not because it will just spiral out of control again. my counsellor was a bit unhanppy yesterday as my weight had dropped, not a huge amount but i guess any amount is too much too lose...I didnt go with my friends to the cinema today coz i knew thered be food involved which makes me sad coz i thought id got so much better when i came out of hospital and would be able to socialise again, i think i just underestimated the length of recovery and that just coz youve gained weight doesnt mean your better.

ive written so much here but just thought id tell you da background of my disorder so you know what im talking about.

how are you? hows the exams goin?

are you doing ok with food etc?

thxnks for replyin!!

harriet

Urgh… been a bad few eating days.

I know what u mean… I thought as soon as I started eating again everything would just be simple, and I’d get back to normal, whatever ‘normal’ once was. It’s so hard to just make yourself DO it, when you just don’t want to eat anything. Do you get a Voice inside your head, telling you not to do or eat things, or saying that you’ve done things wrong? Or telling you you look fat, from what it sounds like! I HATE my voice. I was lying awake the other night just thinking, ‘I hate you, I hate you, I hate you’ over and over again, because it was making me scared about eating the next day.

Do you get scared about the eating, or do you just think you shouldn’t do it? I got used to thinking I should do it, but then I got terrified of eating too much, and now I’m even scared of putting it in my mouth. At least I don’t think I’m fat any more… but I know how horrible it is when you think you are and everyone’s telling you to eat, and you just think ‘Nooooooooooooo!’ I know you’ll have heard it before, but honestly, if you’ve been ill enough to have to go to hospital, no-one would ever think you look fat.

Good luck 2 u 2! I had one of my Worst Days on bl**dy Maths exam day… mmm, ideal time. I’m going to try to force the food down me. They (councillors – er, is that how u spell councillors?) say it’ll be a long time before I actually enjoy it again, so I have to just be ‘mechanical’ atm. Probably u will too… not exactly fun! But if I don’t eat, it’ll just get worse, and I can’t go back to the old routine again.

Sigh…

How’ve u been? Do u get 2 c ur friends at all? I’m supposed 2 b asking them for support at mealtimes, because it’s in school that I can’t cope – but it’s really nerve-racking!

Whatever u do, don’t think abt food! I know I’ve just written something really long and rambling abt food, so that’s a stupid thing to say, but… yeah.

Rae xx

yea i know what you mean. I know i have to eat and i know i will eventually eat whats on my plate but i just keep thinking i shouldn't. my "voice" has started telling me other things that are ridiculous like im such a ugly person coz i dont have a boyfriend and never will but then the sensible side of me says how could u have even been in a relationship in the state you were in. this is just recently happening though and i think its my minds way of trying to distract me from food and keep me unhappy.

before i went into hospital i had the same routine before i ate and i wouldnt eat until i had finished the routine.

ive been just the same really, constantly trying to think of th lowest calorie amount i can eat etc. im quite tired too im nt sure if its coz ive been revising or coz i should be eating more.

I see my friends when im in for exams but sometimes i just cant cope with going into town or whatever. im not really in school at the minute so havent eaten in school since last year so don't know how i'll cope.

i so badly want to be normal again but i find my friends arent talking to me as much as they used too and then the voice tells me well whats the point in getting better if your friends wont talk to you anyway.

im going to london next week so ill need lots of energy to walk around but i know eating will still be scary.

my councillors warned me when i came out of hospital that recovery wouldn't be smooth but I just thought everything would be fine with eating etc. now they're having to get me meal plans so i know exactly what to eat coz im not eating enough apparently at the moment.

o well im sure we all go through this for a reason.

how are you keeping?  is school any better? hope your keeping well!

Harriet xo

Hiya

Sorry I haven't written in a while... we've been up in Wales for half-term (oi'm Cornish). What a fun week that was.... 'Fancy a snack, Rach?' 'Erm, no, I'm OK, thanks...'

I don't know what's happened in that time, obviously, but I hope you've managed to get out a bit more and see your friends. They're probably a bit funny because they don't know what to say - my friends were like that. I used to feel really miserable, and as though no-one liked me or wanted to talk to me. I don't know if u hav it, bt we're all on this social network and there's a Top Friends list on each page... nd for a while I'd see myself slipping down their lists and think it was because they hated me. I got really, really upset about it... but then I found out that they didn't really know how to act around me because I'd been really moody (because my anorexia does that to me) and they didn't think I liked them. So it's probably just how u see things... no-one would not like u because of this! And don't think ur ugly, either - I know I can't exactly judge on that, bt I've spent the last few years thinking I'm hideously ugly nd no-one would ever go out with me, so I know what it's like. Nd now I get people saying all the time how pretty I am... which I don't believe at all, bt it's nicer than what the ED tells me!

If u still feel nervous abt going out with ur friends because of eating, then there's no reason why u should hav 2 go, but make sure it's what u want and it's not The Voice trying to isolate u (urgh, I sound really preachy). That's what happened to me for a while, and so now I try to see my friends as much as I can, even though I'm not allowed out too much. I've tried to start eating at school lunchtimes again........I've got to try again this term, which I'm going 2 HATE.

I know how horrible it is... I've had a hellish day 2day, nd I don't want to eat at all later, but I've spent the last few weeks just MAKING myself eat, and the councillors warned that I'd have to do that. I'm hoping that when I weigh a bit more it'll be easier to fight, but it's so hard to keep telling yourself that every time it's hard.

How hav u been? Did u get 2 c ur friends at all?

Rae xx

hey hey

how r u? hws skool going?

i know what you mean, havent really been out at all really except to school and stuff. my friends still dont talk to me that much or invite me anywhere but i guess i still kind of isolate myself incase they invite me out and i have to eat. JUst had a gcse today so saw people then.

had a good/bad time in london, good because anorexia liked all the walking i had to do but bad coz i ate hardly anything because i didnt know exactly how it was prepared, had to go out for lunch with family friends for lunch nd my mum made a huge deal out of what i was eating, it was so embarassing but part of me didnt care coz it was anorexia teling me it was good id eaten hardly anything.

im supposedly in recovery but i can feel like im slipping back. ive only been out of hospital for about 2 1/2 months and ive started trying to eat lessfor over a month, my weights drropping a wee bit and anorexias playing its tricks again. it said when i got to such and such a weight that would be ok but now im almost that weight anorexia tells me to lose more and i know it will kep telling me that even until im really ill. i dont know what to do any more.

my dieticians been asked to give me a very strict meal plan instead of just suggestions which im kind of glad about but im scared it will make me fat etc.

ill try and listen to me next time i get invited out but i find it hard to distinguish between my sensible voice and anorexia.

hows eating with you? are you doing any exams?

harriet xo

Hi... sorry haven't written for ages YET AGAIN, bt have had loads going on lately. My scary Aunt's come down from Wales to help 'battle the Eating Disorder'. I thought it might help at first, but now it's just unbearable. She doesn't understand that I can't just be back to normal within a week, and seems to think that just by shouting at me she can make things get better. She wants me to just treat small amounts of calories as 0, which I cannot do atm, and keeps watching over my shoulder and trying to make me do things I don't want to. She sits there scowling and looking miserable at mealtimes, because she clearly doesn't want to be there, which just makes me feel terrible. I wish everyone would just leave me alone and let me get on with it, since they obviously hate eating with me so much. I'd hate eating with me too.

Urgh... so that's been my week pretty much. Oh, and yo-yo weight. I'll put on a load one week, then panic, eat less the next week, lose the same amount, then put on another load, then panic... etc. Everyone gets really pissed off when I lose the weight, but the anorexia loves it, of course. I hate that, because it feels like it's winning, and I can't stop it, or at least, not without going through total hell, ie having to shovel in food with it telling me that I'm greedy over and over.

I don't know how this new diet's gone, but I hope it's been OK... I know it's horrible trying to do something different in the first few days, but you might get used to eating what they set you without feeling you're going to get fat. I suppose one good thing is that I'm starting to see how skinny I am a bit more now, and I can actually see that it'll be a good few stone more before I'm fat. Now I'm just scared of gaining it too quickly... isn't it great that there's always something to worry about?

I've been invited out next Saturday with my friends, but even if I'm allowed the extra excercise, I don't know how I'll handle the food. I can't stand eating at lunchtime in school, so I have to go somewhere after school and quickly force it in because I don't want to go back to not eating at all.

Good luck, anyway - how r u? How's the diet gone?

WB

Rae xx

hey sweetheart,

only just seen your post - been struggling a lot lately.

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling beautiful *hugs*

I'm always here if you ever need to talk,

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

hey

well i got the new meal plan but i just looked at it, didnt show it to my mum but she found it lol i thought she'd make me follow it but i havent eaten what it says at all.. im still not eating enough but i always convince myself that it is enough. like today i just really felt like having a nice big meal coz i was really hungry but anorexia quickly butted in and was like no just the usual!im going to this big event today and we're having a barbeque to dinner but theres always lots of salads there to eat so that should be ok!

ive had a bad week, i developed these really controlling routines that i feel I have to do but managed to stop doing them today

im quite worried about tonight coz most people who'll be there will know that ive struggled with eating but ill try my best.

my weights fallen and im only a few kilos heavier than i was when i came out of hospital but i dont feel that thin at all, i huess thats just anorexia. like just recently there was an advertisement for eating disorders with this really thin girl looking in the mirror and seeing a huge person and she was like you're as thin if not thinner than that girl and i was just like"No i am not!!" i never really thought i saw myself as big but i guess i do.

im supposed to be going back to school at the end of august and start my AS levels but im scared i wont  be able to cope or  i'll feel really lonely coz ill have been off school for ten months.ahh!!

i know what you mean, i always find something to worry about even if it's not actually true!! it's awful!!!

im feeling ok at the moment though so thats good.

how has your aunt beenwith your eating and stuff? i havent really had much experience of extended family trying to fsort out my eating disorder, it was always just me and my mum and doctors etc although a lot of people found out about it eventually. i havent really experienced eating in school since like last year but i think ill find it difficult and il feel like im being watched. i actually dreamt about being at school and at lunch time people looked at my plate and asked my i wasnt eating a lot. which is weird lol.

im going on for ages, sorry, just take it easy when your out coz me and my friends went to the park last weekend and played games like rounders and things and i was sooo tired after running hardly any distance and then i remembered that was probably the first time ive been running in months. so just don't tire yourself out too much whatever you're doing.

something thats been on my mind for ages is that anorexia tell me i didnt suffer enough coz you know how some people suffer for like 10 years, anorexia tells me i didnt suffer enough coz i had it for a year or less. it really bugs me coz then it makes me think that i want to be anorexic when i dont coz it just takes all the happiness out of your life, but i think ive forgotten what true happiness is now :(

thanks for your messages, rae and lexy. Lexy, im sorry your struggling at the moment but remmeber that this can be beaten! what in particular are you struggling with? don't know if ill be able to help, but maybe i can!

wb

thanks

Harriet xo

hey sweetheart,

who knows!!?? lol I have no idea why I'm struggling.

I think you summed my feelings up perfectly when you said about only having it for a year, as I think at the moment I feel i want to be really anorexic again as I was never hospitalised etc., but at the same time I'm trying to fight these thoughts.

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

hey

i haven't posted here in a while...sorry

well how are things with you all??

hows the summer going? are you going anywere nice?

well im really struggling lately ive lost a lot of weight apparently but i still think i could lose more so theyve put me on those calorie drinks. i started off ok but then i couldnt cope with it so started cutting back what i was eating and then started pouring them away. i can't seem to eat what i used to.

they're referring me back to the doctor in the hospital, i dont know how to feel coz part of me is happy with being in hospital as it was easier to eat in hospital and i feel like i have no friends anymore anyway but the other part of me knows that if i miss more school itl mess up my exams and dreams of becoming a doctor and doing all the things i want to in life. im so muddled up and don't know what to do. its not like last time were i really wanted to eat more but just couldn't .  im not sure if i want to get better as that would mean living without anorexia which is scary...ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

sorry for rambling lol

harriet

Awww, I'm so sorry to hear about u losing weight! I've been stuck on the calorie drinks as well. The pharmacy ordered in loads specially, so now we've got this massive box of them. I know I'd find it easier to drink than to eat, but I just... don't feel i want to! There's a part of me that really does want to get better and knows that gaining weight is the best thing, but it just seems like such a horrible thing to have to do.

I've been a bit down recently, just feeling like everything I've done to try and beat this isn't working AT ALL. And last week I got a stomach bug and just felt sick all the time, so I couldn't eat everything I was supposed to. Now that I'm over it, you'd think things would get better, but now the anorexia's got a grip on me and keeps telling me I shouldn't eat. I've been trying for days to eat something in the afternoon, and I just don't know how to do it. It's so annoying, because if I could just gain weight without having to eat, I'd do it.

Is it easier in hospital? Because I'm finding it so hard at the moment, and people have started talking about me going into a unit for some time in the summer just to put some weight on. I don't know if it's good or bad... because I really want to stay at home with my family, friends etc but I don't see myself putting the weight on.

Don't worry abt your friends! I thought for ages that no-one liked me, and I used to be scared of seeing them in case they thought I was a freak, but as I've been allowed out more I've been able to go out with them and become part of the group again.

I know it's scary to think of life without anorexia... I told my mum that I didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have it (and she just gaped at me, so I er, didn't say anything again :p). There are times when I just want to give in to it just to get it to shut up. Most of the time I want to KILL IT. I actually want to stab it, so that it dies, PAINFULLY (mwa ha ha, evil laugh). When I find it hard to eat, it actually sometimes helps me to think of it HATING me eating. On bad days the only thing that ever helps me is knowing that it gets weaker as I eat more. It's just hard getting myself to believe that... I know it makes sense, but ana just twists everything to make me think that everything else is wrong, and only it's right.

Good luck with everything, and don't let it stop you doing what you want

Rae xx

hey sweetheart,

don't worry about me lol

you do want to get better. life without ana is scary, but life with it is even scarier.

you haven't rambled at all, and even if you had, ramble all you want if it makes you feel better!

please let me know how things go with the doctor beautiful.

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

well i wasnt in a unit coz i live in northern ireland and there are no eating disorder units, so i was put on a general medical ward and tube fed coz i was losing weight to fast, it gave me the boost i needed to start eating again but not long after i came out i  started losing weight. i think ive come to kinda like being in hospital coz theres loads of people who care for you and you feel like your achieving something when you put on weight and eat more etc but thats also a bad thing coz you dont learn how to cope in the normal world if you know what i mean. and i also found more people visited me when i was in hospital and now feel really lonely at home. but sometimes hospital is the only option, i dont know what eating disorder unit is like though, coz i know i found it hard to eat when other patients wernt eating a lot but i had to remind my self that they might be feeling sick and that food was my medicine.

are you geting gcse results in aug?

my mum says i cant go back to school unless i put on weight :( but i think if i did go back to school i might feel more able and at ease with eating

how are you doing lexy and rae?

hope alls well!!

harriet xo

hey everyone

sorry to butt in like this...i just need to write some stuff down and dont know which board to post it on so im just putting it on this one!!! sorry, u dont have to reply!

im just sitting here wondering to myself...coz i need to gain weight, im in recovery from anorexia, and have been doing quite well recently. but im struggling...i hate feeling full, it makes me so sick! i don't have an appetite at all, but im so used to having to eat that i now no longer know when to stop eating...since i'm full when i start the meal, it doesnt seem to make a difference how much i have to eat coz i always feel the same afterwards, full sick and disgusting!

maybe it's because i still don't allow myself * foods except for * and *sometimes, and so i have to eat a LOT of foods like my * to make up the calories...would it be better to eat less, but higher calorie foods. the only trouble there is im scared that i will suddenly get hungry and have too many calories to eat any more...even though i haven't been hungry for months...

im so sorry to be talking about weight! its just the ONLY thing im struggling with.  in my head i know that i dont want to be like this, and even can deal with food, just not weight...

thanks for reading...sorry again

i hope everyone is ok...and i haven't made anyone feel s***!

love Caitlin

xxxx

sweetheart, please don't worry about me. I'm not doing great but I'm coping.

I get my a level results in august

hope you are okay beautiful,

lexy -xxx-

I know what you mean... I have huge problems trying to get myself to eat higher-calorie food instead of my (precious!) * It's so annoying because I do want to gain the weight, but I cannot stand the thought of having more calories!

When I first started gaining weight I went through a really horrible time when I just felt sick and bloated and had a big (well, I thought it was big)... I know this will sound stupid, but try not to think about it. I thought everyone was lying to me and was trying to make me get fat because it just looked so huge, but it's got a lot better now that I'm more used to eating. I know what you mean about not feeling full, too, but that's got better as I've got used to it. Just because you've eaten doesn't make you disgusting, either. I know it's hideous but it does get better.

And don't worry, I don't think I could feel much *

Really scared about the ED Unit atm!! I'm scared about eating in the holidays but I'm even more scared about that!! I'm going for a visit app... but I think I'll run away screaming if they tell me to go in lol

Yeah, I've got results at the end of August... *screams* *cries* Good luck with yours... v scared abt mine...

Lexy, I'm really sad to hear that ur struggling! U helped me out once when I was having a horrible time (stuck indoors, not allowed out, etc) and I've always seen u b so brilliant with helping other people as well. It's not fair that u hav 2 put up with this when u've been so good to everyone.

Good luck on weight gain, Harriet... believe me, I know how hard it is!

love to all

Rae xx

sweetheart your message was sooo lovely!! thank you =)

please let me know how the ed unit goes beautiful ...

this is going to sound stupid but I feel good even though I know deep in my heart that everything I'm doing is wrong and got me in a mess in the first place.

take care gorgeous,

lexy -xxx-

Hey Rae

Thanks for the reassurance, I'm sure you know what it's like, you feel so pathetic but you just need people to keep telling you it's going to be ok...I get myself in such stupid panics.

Right now, I'm feeling really bloated and big...but I know it's my stomach telling my head that it is full and now I just need to wait for it to go away...I wish my appetite would sort itself out though, it's SERIOUSLY bugging me atm.  I've made an appointment with a dietician so hopefully talking to them will help, I am really serious about trying to sort this out, but I am also extremely scared that a dietician will make me eat "scary" foods...I'm not sure I can do that...

Results at the end of August AHHHHH I'm scared, but then I'm not expecting anything much because I missed so much school! Ahhh I shouldn't con myself, I'm still expecting like a miracle to happen and me to get my predicted grades...and I Know I'm going to be disappointed in myself when I don't get them, even though I have an excuse...such a bummer!

Hun, don't be scared about the ED Unit, sometimes it's the best place to be.  It's quite likely that if you're struggling with eating then they will want to admit you, but it's really not so bad, and you get a lot of support.    It's best if you can manage to force your head into good working order, deciding that you want to get better and realising that the only way to do that is to EAT!!!  Remember that every time you eat is another moment you can enjoy of your life...doing something that you want to do, but will miss out on the longer you let this rule your life.

Lexy-Just keep going babe.

Harriet-Good luck!!!  I'm with you all the way...(sympathy)

Take care everyone

Much Love

Caitlin

xxxx

hey every1

hope ur all doing well,

lexy, uve done so well to get this far just keep persevering and everything will work out

rae, i know i felt exactly yhe same as you when i started gaining weight, i felt big but got used to it and started feeling proud when i gained weight but when i reached an ok weight i felt like maintaining wasnt really achieving anything so i went back to what made me feel good, losing weight so now im practically back to square one. Don't worry about the unit, i know thats easier said than done, but hoonestly if its whats best for you the everything will be ok :) results will be ok just remember we've had so much more to deal with than everyone else and just eating properly is an achievement.

Hi caitlin, how are you? i know what you mean i used to always feel full and then i got my appetite back and now i never really feel full or satisfied or hungry if that makes sense coz i just eat practically the same everyday and dont let myself have something if i feel like it, like a normal person would. You could maybe try replacing a few of your low calorie foods for something higher calorie to see how you feel and then maybe replace something else but if that doesnt work out just stick to eating the foods that you know satisfy you. you never know you might actually end up being able to eat more variety of foods and end up enjoying some highercalorie foods coz they might taste nicer hehe :) its good that you joined our chat hehe:)

talk to you all soon!!

Harriet xo

sorry to be down but I'm struggling badly. I shouldn't be complaining because I'm a healthy weight, but mentally I can't eat.

sorry,

lexy -xxx-

p.s. I'm going to apologise now for not reading the posts today, but I will come back tomorrow morning before ana crushes the spirit and energy out of me like she has today and reply to them properly.

Hey Harriet

Yeah, I think that's more the stage I am at now, I sort of never feel full, or empty.  It's weird, I just feel sick...?  Yet I can eat ANY amount put in front of me, it just goes in somehow, I have no idea where I put it!!!  It really annoys me because my brother keeps looking at my plate like, "WOOOW are you actually gonna eat ALL of that" and I'm like, "erm yeah, it's not actually that many calories" even though it's like a WHOLE plate .It was really nice to chat on live chat, I will try and be on more often, I'm just so easily distracted that I forget...bad girl!

Hope you're well today!  I feel a bit heavy...if you know what I mean...

Love Caitlin xxxx

don't worry about it lexy, just make sure you put your own wellbeing first :)

i know its so weird, i know i could probably eat anything but i dont because im scared i wont stop and get really fat which is ridiculous to think lol. if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been recovering roughly? i hate people watching me at meal times!!!!!!!!!! i also hate when people try to tell me what i should have for dinner which is weird coz anorexia tells me what to have for dinner all the time, i actually had quite a busy day but quite bad i guess coz i went to the dentist just for a checkup but felt a bit funny in the chair then when i left i fainted which was a bit scary, its only happened once before, then my mum took me to the doctors, not my usual gp but he was actually really nice and someone in his family had anorexia so he actually understood me!! they eventually got me to admit i hadnt been drinking my fortisips so mum made me have one,THEN we had an appointment with the dietician which was pointless coz my mum took over and did all the talking and they just said i should eat more and have fortisip and im just thinking ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! so basically they all say they're "concerned" about my weight etc etc which makes me really fustrated coz they're just telling me stuff i already know phew anyway now im finished rambling lol

how was your day? i hope you stay well!!

harriet xo

Hey Hun

God, that's not good, I hope you're ok now!  I hate it that people think once you start eating again you're just expected to be suddenly fine!  It's just not like that!!!  I always get really bad dizzy spells, muscle aches, tiredness, lethargy etc, it's just all part of it, and don't you find it gets worse at the start of recovery than when you were at your lowest with the ED???  I do...

I was on *for ages, not *they weren't enough lol, but I stopped having them because I always used to cheat them, and when I decided I really wanted to get better I realised it meant I had to do it without the shakes or else it didn't mean anything to me, then I'd still have to replace them with food and the journey would be longer...

Hmmm...interesting question about recovery time...I have no answer really.  I started recovery in December, went into hospital in January, in and out of inpatient care because I kept relapsing.  Have had two serious relapses since I came out of inpatient at the beginning of May, am still being threatened with IP if I don't improve, but I think I'm doing ok, so we'll see.  I'm really still just in the whole process, but something has definitely changed in my head.  I totally get what you mean by the whole you think you could eat anything but can't because you're scared of what it will do to you.  I can now put food in my mouth etc, I'm just too scared of certain foods...

And as for people telling you what to have, well that's just always a nightmare.  I don't actually get to choose my dinner which i HATE, and that's why I restrict more in the day, but hey...

My dinner is actually ready now so I gotta go

Take care

Love Caitlin

xxxx

wer u in an eating disorder unit? yeh im fine dont no what happened i was in hospital in january too well february actually  but was out before the end of march and only really managed to mintain weight for like 2 months and now im back to one of my lower weights so theyre sayin i cant go to school if i dont put on weight AHH!!

i think my mum lets me choose what to eat coz she gets worried that if she makes something and i dont want it il just not eat so she thinks its better for me to eat something at least, i just dont no what to do i want to lose eight but everyone else is controlling my life!

o well hope ur well!!

harriet xo

Hey Hun

Yeah my mum used to do that, but the more control she gave me, the more my anorexia took over...since dinner is the main meal we made a compromise that she makes the dinner and I make my other meals, but I do get to help myself to the amount I think I can manage.  It makes me try a bit harder because I don't want to disappoint her, but at the same time gives me the control that my personality needs...I can't let people do things for me, it just doesn't work!  I'll never be able to hand over all control of my life to another person, that's why hospital didn't work for me I guess.

It sounds like you're kind of similar, in that you came out of hospital and went backwards.  Although well done for maintaining the weight for 2 months!!!  That's a good achievement to make you realise you are capable of doing it! Something must have just come in your way that stopped you from continuing, but it doesn't mean you can't go back!

I know I've put on a lot of weight since my last hospital appointment two weeks ago, I didn't have one last week because my team leader was on holiday...I'm S**T scared about tomorrow, I don't know how I will cope if I've put on a ridiculous amount.  I've restricted today without even meaning to, not badly, but I will no way near make up the final numbers that I'm supposed to...but it's sod's law that I will still gain even though I don't have enough, that always seems to happen to me!  Stupid body...but then, I need to gain to be well, so I should stop listening to this STUPID FREAKING VOICE and be happy that I've achieved something positive!

Hope you're ok today...try to think about what I said of ways to feel like you're taking control.  Talk to your mum and ask her to give you maybe two options to choose from for dinner, that way you're still in control, but she can make sure it's a proper dinner etc.

Take care huni!

Love Caitlin

xxxx

Hiyaaaaaaa

I have ‘the dinner’ thing too… We’ve been given a list of all the portion sizes so I’m not allowed to count calories , and my mum’s supposed to make all my meals for me. We tried it for a little bit, but I really hated someone else preparing my meals and it just made me really tense about it… so then I started refusing to eat unless I got to make my own meals. And it’s just the same: I don’t actually get to decide what I want to eat because the anorexia does that for me. ‘Right, so you have this food, and that’s this many calories, and then you’ll have that, and then you add that to that…’ and whenever I want it to shut up it’s as though it’s GLOATING, which I know sounds slightly demented, but I can just see it smirking because it’s got its own way.

Harriet, that’s v v scary about fainting!! How’s it going now? I’ve been quite lucky because I haven’t actually fainted, but I’ve started feeling dizzy ALL THE TIME, and I have to heave myself up slowly like an old person so I don’t splat on the floor… It does feel like things have gotten worse since I started recovering, because I suppose I just didn’t realise when I was actually at my worst stage.

I lost weight again… I’m not surprised, tbh. I still think that I’m going to gain too much weight if I eat everything I’m supposed to, so I keep cutting back, and I’ve started exercising more yet again. I wish I could just stop… bad times atm.

Caitlin, you’ve heard this before, probably (I get it all the time) – gaining weight is better than losing it! I always feel awful for ages when I do gain weight, but now that I’ve lost it again The Voice just gets in and tells me I’m * for not beating it and that IT WILL ALWAYS WIN. It keeps saying I should be exercising now, because of course only lazy people sit down for two seconds.

Lexy, hope you’re OK. It might feel good to give in to the anorexia now, but just remember how miserable it is when it gets hold of you. You probably know better than I do! It’s horrible and nasty and evil, and it doesn’t deserve to control your life.

Love to all

Rae xx

i had a wieght check in as well today lol,, how did your day go?

i had to get blood taken which was awful id got used to it but they had to try 3 times and couldnt gete any so stoped so i didnt faint , they wernt happy with my weight so said i should take more * etc, its annoying coz they dont know how haard it is for us, although it is easier to take supplements coz i know the doctor said i have to but i feel like bad when i eat etc.

im going to try different types of supplements like * etc which might be better.

she bought some stuff for dinner so i could choose what i wanted which is ok :)

how was ur appointment?

harriet xo

hey sweetheart,

I'm just struggling at the moment.

lexy -xxx-

Hey everyone

I had hospital today aswell, weigh-in and bloods etc.  Seems Friday is a popular clinic day huh?

Rae...yeah I do get told that all the time, and it's just a lose lose isn't it because you know what's right in YOUR head, but the anorexia takes over your head and tells you the opposite...I'm so upset today.  I didn't gain at all, not one bit, so basically maintained.  I tried SO *HARD AND IT DIDN'T WORK!!!!!!  At first when she told me I'd lost I was like "YES!!!" but then I realised that was just the anorexia, and I actually feel REALLY awful about it.  It means I have to eat EVEN MORE, push even harder, feel even sicker, look even more bloated, just to gain what is gonna make me healthy???  Sorry, this has really upset me today, I hate it when I actually try for the first time, it doesn't *work!!!

Hope everyone is ok...

Love Caitlin

xxxx

hey how are you all?

im going to get blood taken today :( but im also going to get my nails done :)

im really bored this summer, anorexia tells me im lazy for not doing anything

im sorry for being a bit down, hope your all having a nice day!

harriet xo

Oh God, I HATE giving blood so much... when I lost loooooooooaaaaaaads of weight the first time they kept on taking it from me ALL THE TIME

I'm really not having a nice day!! Because I lost weight last week, I got told today that I was basically heading straight for hospital unless something changed. So today I've had to try and uproot everything... I had to eat earlier, eat more, eat more snacks, do less excercise, stay in all day... Of course, now that I'm through it, I'm glad I've actually done it, because at least it means I might actually gain some weight, but it's been hell trying to fight off The Voice.

My mum went insane and ranted at the family therapist! I was really shocked because we usually both just try to smile and be all nicey nice for those meetings, and then she just suddenly started off on a huge rant! She hated the way the therapist was always saying, 'All you have to do is be firm' because she knows how horrible it is when you stand up to the ED... And I was actually really pleased she did say something, because I've sat there before thinking that it's alright for them; they don't have to put up with it 24/7.

After that I thought I should really try to turn things round, because it's just getting to her so much, so... today is the start of the 'new regime'... which I HAAAAAAAATTTTTEEE, but atm I just want to try anything to get rid of it and get my life back.

Sorry to hear ur a bit down... how have things been? I've been miserable lately too...

Rae xx

keep fighting girlies

-xxx-

thanks for the messages :)

rae, hope ur 'new regime' is going well, i hope i dont need any more blood taken, i think they just wanted to check everything wa ok as i had fainted etc,

ive tried to not exercise as i know it will only get obsessive again, ive lost weight everyweek too and they say im headin for hospital too and definately not school which i thought was the plan to start school in september,

i keep think im eating way more than i did last time i lost weight but i musnt be, i know sometimes i hate those therapy meetings too, they wonder why i dont say anything and i just feel like saying coz i dont know the answer to ur questions obviously!!! or i hate when my dad goes on about how i dont talk to him enough and he always makes it seem like hes the one having a hard time!!

since i developed this eating disorder ive noticed how everyone else eats, like when we were young y dad was hardly ever home for dinner so would have his really late or none at all, now i have anorexia i notice  nd i feel like shouting 'you keep saying i have to eat more yet dont eat enough yourself and run like everyday' he thinks i should get better but he just is such a hypocrite by not eating propeerly and exercising excessivelt himself!! even my brother comments on these things too! ahhhhhhhh it just annoys me so much!!!!

what are your family like with food and stuff?

sorry for ranting lol

harriet xo