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Viewing 1 to (16 Total) Anorexia now Bulimic! |
Total Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012
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Hi, i used to use these message boards when i was first diagnosed with anorexia over 4 years ago but not been on in ages. A lot has changed since then, i never really got into any sort of normal eating pattern and now at 23 years old have lost control entirely and for the last 6 months have found myself consumed in the exhausting Binge-Purge cycle.
Currently i just don't know what to do. I have been seeing the same therapist for the last 4 years and as a result have become quite attached but now have been referred to another clinic as we decided she wasnt able to help me. I suddenly feel lost and afraid of changing therapist and not only fear the unknown and thought of retelling my story all over again but i also feel like im losing someone im close to. I understand she is my therapist and not my friend but i feel like the one person who knows everything about me, who knows all my secrets is suddenly being pulled away from me.
My binge/purge cycle is also a big secret from everyone but my therapist. So once again my ED has become a big secret that no one can help me with. I dont want to tell anyone about my purging, I'm ashamed and my parents have previously made it very clear what their views are on that.
I guess im just here looking for people who are experiencing similar things...just someone to talk to really.
Hope everyone is ok x
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Posted on February 09, 2012 at 6:20 PM
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15 Replies
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hello
Just wanted to say I've been through some of the same so I know what you mean. I had a therapist who I felt so close to and when she left I was absolutely devastated, I felt like she had died because I couldn't speak to her any more and wouldn't ever see her again. Like you said they're not your friends but you tell them things you've never told anyone so its such a close relationship. I think its probably hard for people who haven't been through that to understand.
I too have been bulimic and anorexic, I swap from one to the other in a constant hideous cycle. I have found though that being more open about my EDs with people has meant I feel a bit less pressure to hide my behaviour so that reduces my stress levels a bit. Do you have any friends you could confide in who might be able to support you? I didn't tell anyone in my family for years, I know how embarrassing it can feel to have to admit to binging and purging. But remember how common it is and that it is a recognised illness, you are not choosing to be like this and you shouldn't feel ashamed.
Good luck with your new therapist, maybe a change will be what you need to make a start on recovering from this. Big hugs,
Abi X
Posted on February 12, 2012 at 3:32 PM
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Total Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012
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Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Abi, thanks for replying its always nice to know your alone  Actually its nice to hear that im not the only one who has reacted this way to changing therapist. As it happens im not sure how therapy will work out for me now. I am about to start a new job next week and they have made it very clear they wont allow you any time off for doctors appointments and i havent told them about my ED because i didnt want it to affect my chances of getting the job. Currently my therapist only works until 5 making it impossible for me to get there in time. Anyway i will ahve to wait and see what happens at the new clinic on Friday!
A few of my friends know about my anorexia but obviously now i dont look anorexic people dont really understand that im still struggling. In a way i feel more ashamed of my bulimia and i dont think i could confide in anyone, no one would understand. I know your probably thinking well how do i know that but ive had conversations when i was at my worst with anorexia and responses from parents and friends were 'well at least you dont make yourself sick...i dont know how we'd cope if you did that'.
Are you recovered now or in recovery? Hope things are going ok for you!
Take care
Laura x x
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 7:03 PM
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Laura
Oh what a nightmare about your work, I don't know what you can do about that but surely if you speak to someone from the occupational health department I would've thought they have to give you time off to attend for therapy. But I don't know, maybe they don't have to.
That is awful those people saying 'oh well at least you don't make yourself sick', they obviously have no idea how to be supportive. I wish there were ED groups we could go to to meet up and support each other, I'll be as supportive as I can from here but I know its not the same as having real people there to lean on.
I know what you mean about the humiliation of bulimia, I have B and P twice today and feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I much prefer it when I'm in an anorexic phase, hideous as that sounds, but at least with anorexia I feel like I'm in control to an extent. With bulimia its like there's something controlling me that I have no power over. I hate it so much.
I've had EDs since I was about 13, I'm now 36. Over the years I've had CBT, psychodynamic counselling, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, acupuncture, reflexology and so far nothing has worked. But I'm hoping to go into hospital as a day patient soon to try to learn to eat normally. If that doesn't work I'm going to give up.
I would really like to help you with any advice I can (I'm full of great ideas, I just don't follow any of them myself!). Please don't let my negative experiences make you feel despondant, there are so many people who do get better from EDs, I'm sure there's still hope for us both yet!
Take care of yourself
love Abi X
Posted on February 13, 2012 at 8:19 PM
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Total Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi, sounds like you've been through some tough times with your ED, i guess we both know they're not easy to deal with. Ive considered hypnotherapy but im a bit skeptical. How did work for you? Did you have to tell them all about your past and what you thought your triggers were?
Currently im receiving CBT which ive had for the last 5 years but more recently since december ive been trying acupuncture. Ive found this helps a bit with my mood but ive not found it to be all that effective. Im partly switching therapists and clinics to discuss other forms of therapy which could help. I was almost hospitalised when i first received treatment Now thinking back i think maybe going in hospital could have been the better option and would have possibly helped me get into a regular routine with eating. Instead i chose to remain an outpatient Basically ive not followed a healthy eating plan of any kind for over 6 years so to me it feels very difficult to achieve
Im always open to advice, i do tend to come up with big ideas and plans to distract me from binging but as you probably know the evil voice in my head usually gets the better of me and screams at me until i give in.
I keep thinking maybe work will help me regain some control but i am fully aware this could possibly lead to more anorexic type behaviours... i guess im stuck whichever route i take.
I do want to recover
Hope that all made sense and its not just babble. Thanks again for your support
Laura xx
Posted on February 14, 2012 at 6:57 PM
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Total Posts: 36
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Laura and Abi,
I just wanted to make contact with you as I was also seriously ill with anorexia but have now swung to bulimia. I haven't got the energy to say much now having binged and purged. Like you though i hate bulimia. Now I feel so desperate as I still feel anorexic on the inside, but binging and weighing more on the outside. no-one understands that as i'm not seen as anorexic anymore. Hope you are both okay. Feel for you and will write again soon.
aimeex
Posted on February 18, 2012 at 10:13 PM
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Laura and Aimee,
I wish I had some positive things to say but we all know how hard this is and there's no rosy way to say how hard recovery is. I'm going for an appointment this week to find out if I can go in to day patient treatment. They've said if I do it will be for at least 3 months. I'm terrified that they'll say I can and terrified that they'll say I can't, does that make sense? Either way its going to be very hard. I guess we've just got to focus on the small victories, the days when our EDs are less overwhelming, the times we manage to eat healthy food without purging. One day we'll get there.
Thinking of you both
Abi X
Posted on February 20, 2012 at 8:24 PM
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Total Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Aimee and Abi,
Its nice to hear from you both! I know that tiring feeling after binging and purging...its an awful feeling and as for feeling anorexic but not looking it, i can definitely relate to you on that! Everyone around me seems to think ive recovered and am doing great when in reality im not coping at all, im not eating regularly or normally...far from it. They just have no idea.
Good luck with the inpatient treatment Abi, i hope you do get it as i know this could help you. I often wish i had taken the opportunity when i had it.
I went for an assessment at another ED service and it went better than i thought but i just hope they can arrange late evening appointments because my new job is not flexible in anyway but i really feel like i need help. I started my new job today and couldnt bring myself to eat then i get home and feel the need to b/p...i know people will more than likely say its because ive not eaten and will be hungry but its not. Ive had my tea and am in no way hungry yet when im in my home environment the only thing on my mind is how much food i can get inside me...its so tiring!
Anyway i hope your both ok, thinking of you
Laura x
Posted on February 20, 2012 at 8:40 PM
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Total Posts: 36
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hey Guys,
thinking of you both. Abi, any news on day-patient treatment? I was a day patient for a while and it was scary, mostly because of having to eat meals there, but it helped. It was good to establish a better eating pattern and meet other people who were struggling. I hope you find the courage to engage in it as I think you'll find it supportive.
Laura, any news on the timings of your appointments? I only manage to work part-time and I find that hard enough so I admire your efforts.
I have been struggling, but I've got a meeting with my psychologist and G.P in 2 weeks, to see where we can go from here. I hope I don't feel let down by the meeting. At the moment I'm just finding ways of getting through each day. Yesterday I had a medical assessment with the benefits people and was cross as they didn't want to know about my eating disorder! So I wait to hear if they're going to cut my benefits...
Look after yourselves.
Aimeex
Posted on February 22, 2012 at 12:54 PM
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Sitting here trying to distract myself from urges. I hope you're both ok today and Laura how's the new job going? I know what you mean about being too scared to eat in front of people at work then binging in the evenings. Maybe with your new job you can start a new routine of having lunch with someone so even if you do end up having a rubbish evening at least you've had some during the day. I really hop they manage to sort some evening appointments for you, surely there must be other people they see who work all day! Or maybe they can offer support some other way. Aimee thanks for the advice, if they offer me day patient treatment I'll definitely go for it.
Lots of love to you both,
Abi X
Posted on February 22, 2012 at 2:43 PM
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Total Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hey,
...i cant really describe how im feeling at the minute, like you guys im struggling. The job is really good but a lot of responsibility all at once and ive been thrown in at the deep end so to speak and have been lone working right from day one with very little training so far. What part time work have you got Aimee? Abi what you said about it being a new start and the chance to get into a new regime, well this is exactly what i thought but its really not going to plan. I have been working on my own most of the time and its rare i am around anyone at dinner that makes it sound like im not even trying but i do take dinner with me i just cant bring myself to eat it yet when i get home and no one is around nothing stops me then, im uncontrollable.
I havent heard back from the new ED clinic yet but its not looking like i will be able to fit in another final appointment with my old therapist as there is no flexibility at all and work are being very strict about it and im not really in a position where i feel i can jepordise my job when its taken me nearly a year to get one....argh i just dont know what to do.
Hope everything goes as you hope with your psychologist and GP Aimee, i will be thinking of you. Ive found a lot of people dont understand ED's at all and clearly dont realise how debilitating they can be, hopefully they wont cut your benefits.
I hope you get the inpatient treatment your hoping for, i think it could be really useful and hope it works out for you.
sending love and hugs
Laura x
Posted on February 22, 2012 at 9:10 PM
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Oh Laura I'm sending you massive hugs, that sounds so ****. I really hope when you get to meet the new psych team they are more understanding and can help you put some steps in to action to get you out of the chaos you're in. Are there any ED support groups in your area? They tend to have meetings later I think (not that I've ever been to one as there's none in my area but I've read about them) so that working people can go. I know you said you hate talking to people about personal stuff and opening up the can of worms but maybe by just listening to other people it might help you.
They said they will admit me as a day patient for minimum of 3 months but the units full at the moment so not sure when I'll be going in. I'm just hoping and praying that it will start me on the road to getting rid of this horrible illness and give me back some control. Any useful advice I get or things I think would be helpful I will post them on here for you guys.
Aimee I hope you're well hun, keep trying, we just have to keep trying to eat well 3 times a day and every time is a success and helps us towards recovery. Big hugs for you too.
Love Abi X
Posted on February 24, 2012 at 8:59 AM
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Total Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2012
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi sorry its taken me so long to reply. I kept hoping things would get a bit better so i had something more positive to write but unfortunatly i feel like things are only getting worse.
I cant break the binge/purge/restriction cycle. I vow to change and then cant bring myself to eat properly so then hunger adds to the binge cravings making it harder to resist. I now dread going home to my own house. The place where i am supposed to feel safe i feel most vulnerable and open to temptation. My depression is slowly getting worse or is certainly not getting better and i have been put back on calcium tablets because i have borderline osteoporosis.
I havent herd anything from the other clinic yet but my doctor has had a letter so i should be getting new treatment soon. On a positive note i think work is going ok, i have days where i believe in myself and others where i feel i am not capable enough.
Anyway how are you both doin? I think its great that you will offered inpatient treatment Abi, i guess its just the tough waiting game now until you can be admitted. I really hope it helps and any tips for recovery you pick up i would love to hear about.
Hows things with you Aimee, any better?
Thinking of you both,
Love Laura xxx
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 7:41 AM
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Laura,
good to hear from you, I've been hoping you would have heard from the new clinic by now, its so frustrating having to wait for help you so desperately need. I really hope they get you started soon, it could be so good for you and help you turn a corner.
I know what you mean about dreading going home and it not being the safe haven it should be. I don't know how to get round that really, hopefully when you get your new therapy they might be able to help you change the way you think so you can start enjoying your own company instead of dreading what you're going to do to yourself. Some days I beat the urges, some days I don't but I have no idea what it is that governs that, I guess its the same for you. Maybe one day something will just click and it will be easier.
Is work getting any better? I know you said you work alone a lot, that must be hard, I'm sure having nice people to talk to must be good for lifting your spirits. Do you have any good friends who you would want to spend time with in the evenings? You could plan to meet up for a non-food related social activity, maybe some kind of gentle exercise like yoga? It might help you de-stress before going home?
Aimee I hope you're doing ok hun and managing to be kind to yourself.
Big hugs to you both, lots of love
Abi X
Posted on March 09, 2012 at 1:38 PM
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Total Posts: 36
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hey everyone. Sorry i've not been on here for a bit. Think i'm at risk of isolating myself as I've been trying to get help from professionals and have got nowhere, in the short-term, (on a waiting list!), . Sorry not to be more positive I find evenings so hard . However, I've been working 2 days a week. Totally exhausting as I teach 11-18 year olds, but It is really good for me. The kids are so lively they energize me.
Thinking of you all.
Aimeex
Posted on March 15, 2012 at 9:22 PM
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Total Posts: 38
Joined: Aug 2011
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re: Anorexia now Bulimic!
Hi Aimee, good to hear you're ok. That's brilliant that you're working, sounds like a really positive thing to be doing and if its making you feel energised, fantastic.
I'm still on the waiting list too. Waiting is so hard.
Love Abi x
Posted on March 16, 2012 at 2:13 PM
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