Viewing 1 to 20 (43 Total)
Fiona x

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

Hello Fiona!

I just had to try and let you know that I have handed in my final assignments.

Finally! Thanks so much for getting me through 2nd and 3rd year, and helping me take steps towards getting help for my final year.

A little bit in limbo now but got the design shows to look forward to.

Not sure about therapy as I don't know where I am supposed to be in the country. Got that referal to the ED place in the city my uni is in?

Sooo relieved it's over. Lots of love. Tell me how you are if you ever see this!

Tags:
Posted on May 27, 2012 at 11:25 AM
44 Replies

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Planned what I want to do!

Putting in an application for a company-paid masters at my University. I have looked to other Universities but the courses just don't compare. It is an interdisciplinary course involving business, engineering and design. Will have to work and do therapy at the same time.

If I am offered my dream job I will obviously abandon this idea, but this is the plan.

Bit scared to phone up the ED bunch for an appointment. Will also likely be living with an old boyfriend who is moving up here in under 2 weeks - . Awkward!

Posted on June 07, 2012 at 5:42 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hi Fio



I passed my degree with a 2:1. I was so shocked as I was that close to dropping out most of the year!



Spent last week exhibiting my work too!!



Fiona, I DID IT!! I've gained weight but it was worth it.



Hope you are ok.



xxx

Posted on July 09, 2012 at 10:10 AM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hi Fiona,

I know you probably won't read this but I feel like I really just need an outlet and somewhere I feel safe to write.

I read an e-mail saying no to the funding for the masters, closely followed later by a call from CBT offering me an appointment next week (been waiting a month or 2) . I've discharged myself from the service as I am moving home. It was such a double hit as I know that the people I trust here won't be at home. I won't do therapy at home. I felt safe in the masters option. Everyone was constantly assuring me I would get it as most people do but I mustn't be good enough.

I just feel awful and seem to be getting into that mindset already. No one around again.

If you do ever read this I hope you and your d are well.

Best,

Hayley Jo xxx

Posted on August 02, 2012 at 10:26 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hi Fiona,

So struggling here. Slept in until 2 today. Writing up my food diary and sooo ashamed.

Having a feature article written about my work. Just got the e-mail telling me they're writing it now. Really nervous for it to be published in case no one likes it, or even if people do like it and want to get in touch with me.

My Dad is egging me on to apply for jobs abroad as he doesn't want me living here, but I don't think I'd feel safe in the UK let alone a country that doesn't speak English. Then everyone else is getting me applying to casual work.

Ah, I'm not making too much sense am I...I wish you were here sooo much.

Hope whatever you are doing you're enjoying yourself and everyone your end is well. xxx

Posted on September 10, 2012 at 3:54 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hi F.

So tired and so not up to going to sign on today. I feel such a failure its not nice to be seen treated like it too. I get funny looks, I feel so judgemental and awful towards others, and just when I smile to be polite I get scowled at. I feel like it's been such a waste of 6 years and I dont' want to do anything else. I feel I don't have that desire to do anything if I can't design.

And all the support from uni has gone completely now I've moved - I rang to see about referring me to CBT here but she's forgotten.

Sorry I'm so miserable I'm just finding all this so hard and my friends here aren't used to me being here, and I'm not trying, and my friends from uni aren't local so it's a lot of money and effort. And my mum keeps congratulating me on how well I am keeping it together.

Posted on September 18, 2012 at 1:16 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Feel like I cannot hold it together. Got an initial meeting tomorrow - they actually like my work Fiona!?

I'm so confused because I want to design, and just look at my last post haha, but I'm so panicked now that I'm not good enough. I wish my head would just stop and these thoughts would just go away.

I need to learn so much I'm looking at reports and trends and basically cramming in another 3 year course in a day. I have limited experience in this field and the designer has won so many awards and I don't know - it's so scary and I feel sick!

The role is customer-facing and I was thinking that'd be great because I'd overcome the whole confidence thing, but now I am a step closer it's terrifying. And if I do get it it would involve moving further away than uni, to a place that would be totally different to what I am used to. I managed it with uni, but I moved to halls with people who were in the same situation as me. Oh my gosh I'm so indecisive as to what I want. Argh!

My plans for today have changed too which is a massive stress for some reason. I was going to apply for a job (which is even scarier) hand in my application at a shop and CV's at other places and now I'm not sure about either. I was also going to bake something for my Grandma but I feel so sick.

Posted on September 21, 2012 at 1:32 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Passed. Feel even worse now - got a proper interview, written and drawing exam coming up next week.

Posted on September 22, 2012 at 2:04 PM

Fionaanothermother

Total Posts: 13
Joined: Sep 2012

re: Fiona x

Oh crickey I am not sure where to start. They changed the site, I tried and tried to get on, was never able to, tried to change names etc and that didnt work, rather gave up. I the interim, life got in the way, job turned horrid, i left and wasnt very good. and then the other night I just happened to look on the website and there was a message from you. I honestly thought you might not want to hear from me as I had let you down. really so sorry to have left you, honey. That said, haven't you done well!!! Upper second is really really good, specially given the doubts you have had, and how unwell you have been over the years. There were times you were going to give up, as I recall, and were convinced you couldn't do it. Well, you have been proved wrong (in the circs, is it unfair to say that I told you so?).

For what it's worth, not getting funding is not about you, but just that. My d had a post subject to funding, all completely positive they wanted her, but did not happen as no funding.
I see you have an interview today. I hope you come and tell me how you got on. Tell me how and where you are in relation to the ED? How are things with your mum?

Lots of love honey, and more apologies
Xxxxxxxx

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 4:54 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hello stranger. I can't tell you how lovely it is to hear from you. Sorry I bombarded you with messages but I never thought you let me down, always that something was in the way. I'm so glad you are OK. Where are you at with things now?

Yes, I am so pleased with my degree, thank-you. And yes, you may tell me you told me so - dozens of times! I think I really came through on my major project. I loved it so much and the feedback from consumers and buyers and fashion lecturers was really encouraging. I think I shocked my lecturers! We celebrated down at the exhibition - I made it down there!

I'm still gutted about the masters, but it is an option for the future. I think I maybe just wanted to stay where I felt safe rather than it being the right time if I'm honest. I've always wanted to do the masters but after a little experience to really get value from it? I think it felt the obvious option to continue with therapy alongside studies. I was pretty devastated! I was living with an old boyfriend at the time I found out and he was so sweet! I'm sorry to hear your D didn't get it either. How did she do?

Things really escalated during my final year and I was in and out of hospital an awful lot. I had to prove I was fit to study in February. The psychs speculated I have this that and the other. It was really horrible Fiona. I seem a little 'safer' now but I discharged myself from therapy and said bye to my GP and MHP when I left the city and I'm back to how it was before. I rang my GP to ask about CBT here, but then she didn't get back to me like she said she would and I didn't want to reply? Things with my mum aren't great. When I found out about the interview things spiralled even more and she clocked onto a lot more than I'd like her to. I still can't speak to her. She knows nothing about what went on up north.

I don't know how the interview went. It was 3 hours long and so hard! But I got another call back - interview with company director. I met her today and she is lovely and really liked my portfolio. Hopefully this is the final stage. When I asked for a little feedback on my interview technique they said I was saying all the right things, they liked my positive attitude, my skills/portfolio and my confidence, but maybe I wasn't passionate enough about the specific product. I didn't spend three years studying solely this product like others and I didn't start doing this when I was 4 - and I think that may count against me. It really could go either way but I can't do anymore to show the relevant skills. So lets just see what happens.

No one here wants me to get the job but I think it would be wonderful if I can keep on top of things. I think it would be much better for me than a mundane job.

Lots and lots of love.
Hayley Jo x

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 8:38 PM

Fionaanothermother

Total Posts: 13
Joined: Sep 2012

re: Fiona x

So if things were bad and you were in and out of hospital, where are you now? How are you at the moment? If your GP has forgotten, that is not doing her job properly, not at you don't need, or deserve the help. Will you think about ringing and asking what has happened? If you get the job, you need to be able to cope with it and do it well, or you risk beating yourself up about it. And you know, if they don't want you to get the job, would you like to be able to show them that you can do it and you can be responsible about your own health at e same time? Just a thought.......



it's funny, but not ha ha, because my d did v well (the perfectionist in her, probably) and there have been many changes. She chose to get some help, she recognised she needed to get well to be able to do all the things she wanted to do, in sport and work, and she made changes that have allowed her to do just that. And she has applied for things and not got them. We have talked about it a lot, because not being chosen is really hard, but I think we both agree that it is easier to cope when things go well, but what matters is how you cope when things are hard. Does that make sense? and every interview is a risk, so it's brave to try, and keep trying. Equally, every interview is a learning process, for you too, as you might decide you don't want to work for that person, or in that place, or the job isn't what you thought it was.



What really impresses me is that you have got help, and used it too by the sound of it. How does it feel for me to say that?



As for where i am at, I am still not working but doing some volunteering for a charity, and loving it. I am needed much less at home, and accepting that, and keeping busy, is a bit of a challenge, but I am trying to rise to it.



Have I asked too many questions? It is so lovely to be back in touch! Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on September 27, 2012 at 11:24 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hello,

I think I would want to prove myself in the job.



I'm sooo glad that your D did well, and recognised what she needed to do to get there. It is hard being rejected but I think it's important to identify your weaknesses, or why you're simply not suitable for specific roles, and to learn from that. It's hard not to take it personally but as you have said, got to keep trying. I think I will be 'giving up' on design soon though as I just need a job - I need money and I need something to keep me busy. I was about to go out to hand in my application at my old work when I got an e-mail about this last interview.



I don't feel I used the support as well as I maybe could've, but I was more open to it, and less scared now. I really got on with my MHP and I believe she did a lot to keep me safe when. I actually really miss her. She dealt with me as an individual. She figured out when I was drained/upset even when I didn't tell her, and didn't push me at all. She was lovely.



I'm glad you are enjoying your charity work, it does seem up your street! I absolutely cannot stand not having something to do. All I seem to do all day is apply for jobs. I'm still in my PJ's! I feel like * will shout at me as I have spent the past week researching and really tailoring my portfolio for this job. They don't understand there's a bit more to graduate jobs than just handing in a CV and having a 10 min interview. I know I can walk into my old job so I feel a bit guilty, but I don't want to let them down. I want them as back up for when things fall flat!



I've really missed you. x

Posted on September 28, 2012 at 12:16 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hi again,

Just so you know that what I said got editted. I'm not avoiding your questions.

Take care,

Hayley Jo x

Posted on September 28, 2012 at 2:50 PM

Fionaanothermother

Total Posts: 13
Joined: Sep 2012

re: Fiona x

It's is interesting I think. I taught post graduates, who would all apply for the same jobs, and only one would be successful. The one that got it, fitted, which is unscientific, but all were intelligent, had the same qualifications, good CVs, but there was only one job. The ones that didn't get it were not unsuitable, or incapable. It's important to remember that, I think.
It is really positive that you worked well with your MHP. Because you can do that again, ad know it is worth working to find someone that helps, and such ppl are out there. What did you think abut going back to your GP, sweetie? I haven't changed, I am not going to forget what I have asked you!!!!
Don't blame you for wanting back up. Dont forget there is charity work always available, and some of it might cast a different light on your CV. Have you heard from the interview yet?
What have you don't this weekend? Lots and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on September 30, 2012 at 10:13 AM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

I know, there's so many people out there wanting the same things aren't there. It's just so disheartening with every application. I haven't heard back about the 3rd stage of interviews yet. I'm going to give them a ring I think - that'll have given them one week. I'm really starting to think it will be a no.

I don't see the point in seeing anyone new about this. It feels like people always go away, or I do. I don't want to build that trust with anyone new. And it isn't that important because surely they'd have really encouraged me to go see someone? I'm well enough.

I spoke to someone who told me that I couldn't do an unpaid placement and get benefits as it affects my availability, even though I'd prioritise any interview for a paid job. So you've got me wondering now if that applies to charity work too. I have to pay my Dad for living here, so I really need to be careful.

Saturday: I was supposed to go for a drink with a friend, backed out. Sunday: I was supposed to go for lunch with another friend, backed out. Just visited my great auntie in the end and my sister came round. Also applied for a 4 more jobs - standard!

Sorry I'm chatting so much about me. What've you been up to? Do you do the charity work full-time? x

Posted on October 01, 2012 at 4:04 PM

Fionaanothermother

Total Posts: 13
Joined: Sep 2012

re: Fiona x

I think if you are getting interviews then your CV must be good and you are doing all you can to get a job which in itself is admirable.

Hmmmm to being 'well enough'. There is a life out there tp live, in colour. And I am really impressed you have found help that you fond useful.

You mentioned about finding social engagements difficult ?

Yes, the charity stuff really suits me. I feel useful again, a d valued by the organisation and the people I talk to. It's been really good, and I am so glad I do it.

How things this week ? Lots of love xx

Posted on October 03, 2012 at 12:01 AM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hello,

I hope so - I'm pleased with my CV and I think I surprised the lady I have to speak to, I sound lovely on paper! I'm confident with it.

I know what you are getting at, but I can't see myself getting settled with anyone new and I can't understand the contrast of being under the * team one weekend, and being home with no one the following week

Yeah, it's just constantly meeting up over food/drink? Even when it isn't planned it will involve it.

Today has been a mess as I have 2 interviews: one in retail and the other is that follow up interview. I'm not sure what I want and it doesn't help to have people questionning if I'm doing the right thing. A part of me wants to stay with my mum and near my friends, and learn to drive and get settled and save some pennies living at home, and another part of me wants to get as far away as possible and do what I've always aimed for? I've already applied for the companies in my hometown. I don't know what I want anymore. I've always been so focused and not let anything get in the way, but now when it's finally crunch time after 18 years of studying, I'm really unsure. I'm so overwhelmed. I'd love to chat to my mum about this but she'd just encourage me to stay. I think the doubts are a little bit because I know what I am capable of doing in terms of ED/SH, and a little bit because I have always been focused and never stopped to really think.

I'm pleased you feel appreciated, and sorry to hear you felt less valued at any point? I think you're wonderful. How's daughter#2 getting on?

x

Posted on October 03, 2012 at 3:41 PM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

I'm moving 200 miles away ASAP provided my references check out ok.

Oh my days I'm so close to a graduate job. Eek!

xxx

Posted on October 04, 2012 at 4:57 PM

Fionaanothermother

Total Posts: 13
Joined: Sep 2012

re: Fiona x

Oh wow!! You have done so so well, I guess what 'they' are all worried about is that you will stay well enough without them on your back to do the job . I know I feel that my d has to stay well enough, because if she isnt well enough to think and work well, she will feel she is letting everyone down, and that is a little hole for the ED to get in, or to expand. And then it becomes a circle of a vicious nature again.

My d has done so well, like you, but feels the burden of having a job when others dont, and feels she has to keep proving herself. And it is hard to move away, do a job you dont understand, make new friends, find your way about and prioritise looking after yourself.

A lot of the getting involved means meeting, eating, drinking. So I can see why 'they' are worried. There are ppl who can help, are really good, and that you can trust. Is the contrast of 24/7 one day and nothing the next a good enough reason not to get any help?

I wonder, if you were asked to advise someone like you, what would you say about moving and about help?

, you have done so well, just offering another point of view. Let me know what happens next xx

Posted on October 05, 2012 at 10:42 AM

Hayley1990

Hayley1990
Total Posts: 98
Joined: Jul 2011

re: Fiona x

Hello,

Thanks. Yes I can understand, I don't think I am doing myself any favours either. I'm really anxious and it is showing up a lot through my eating. I'm really trying but it is so much harder just now. My mum was in tears last night. I feel so bad.

Such well done to your d. I will probably be the same, there's so much talent out there. I really feel I just got lucky. I think on this one it was my personality that swung it. I was up against people who specifically studied this product for years and knew everything - I openly admitted I know very little.

I actually asked if I could transfer my application (before they offered the job) to their studio in the city as a vacancy just came available. It will be much more practical for me. I know someone who works at that studio too, so it feels a little safer. I will be living with her for a short while until I sort accommodation as it is quite risky sorting it from here and in a rush. I also know someone closeby
I'm really worrying aboutthe changes I don't know the set up and that really worries me.

I'd probably say that I need to implement support to be able to cope and do my very best in the job, but it's never that simple when it comes to ED's is it.

I'm glad I was cheeky and asked about the other vacancy. I was worrying about asking but they realised it made sense. Being quite central it's better for trains, buses, shops, people...

Fiona, I'm so so scared. I've been open about what I can and can't do, and they know they are hiring me over a specific type of designer. So I think they know I have a lot to learn. But moving so far again. I just wish I were well, I know it would still be difficult but this is the one thing that's really making me doubt it's the right choice. I'd be terrified regardless but I wouldn't be having the same doubts. .

xxx

Posted on October 05, 2012 at 3:57 PM
« Previous123Next »
  • Helpline
    0845
    634 1414
  • Youthline
    0845
    634 7650

everyclick.com - Search the web and raise money for charity

Message boardWant to talk to other people affected by an eating disorder?

Adults board Young people's board Register now

Latest topics

Occupational health

Posted by Lirael401

Feeling so alone and so ashamed

Posted by Rayofsunshine401

Help!

Posted by Emiloulou

View our photostream
Top of Page  ∧