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Viewing 1 to (130 Total) how to let go |
Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
hey helen,
so nice to hear from you as usual.
Glad you had a good time at your parents - it is lovely you feel you can spend more time with them now. don't wish you had told them sooner as it obviously wasn't the right time for you to tell them then.. what counts is that they know now and you are spending time with them.
your therapist sounds really good. is she helping you cope with the nightmares? remember i am always here when your ready to talk but there is never any pressure. sometimes its just good to know you have someone just in case and i am that person for you. have you been reading your letter? i think writing things down is a good idea. sometime i would write pages of thoughts in the night without really thinking about it then in the morning when i read it i would surprise myself with some of the things i think without realising.. if that makes sense.
how was this weeks session?
best of luck for your son with his exams. i have still got exams this week but going to the festival now which is next week. i offered to drive some people so now i can't change my mind. thank you. i am excited to actually go but also scared at the same time.. i get scared I'm going to be put in a situation i can't cope with.
I'm sorry about your husband.. him talking to the other woman isn't a reflection of you though.. it is because like you keep saying he just isn't the right person to deal with what we are going through. There are people that can help us and know what to do and my boyfriend and your husband just aren't them.
you seem like such a good mum.. your 3 children are lucky. keep going for them and for you.
i am STILL eating. i really want to keep going but sometime its very hard. but my hair is shiny and people say i look smiley and healthy.. (also i got my period!)
when you are ready to take the leap i will try answer any questions or worries as best i can.. the first few weeks are the worst but it does get easier. i realise you may not be ready yet but when you are I'm here waiting for you.
keep going, the steps you are taking are getting bigger every week. your doing amazing and doing your children and yourself proud. this is the hardest thing and you are getting there.
take care, thinking about you.
ess xxxxxx
Posted on June 08, 2012 at 11:12 AM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi Jess
Glad you are ok. Nice to hear from you too.
Yes I am so glad my parents are more in the know now as it makes being with them easier and I already feel that our relationship is the best it has ever been. I think you are right too that it wasnt the right time to tell them and now it is so i will stop wishing id told them earlier because it wont change anything will it?
This weeks sessions was helpful again. I really feel like I am very very slowly beginning to look to the future in a more positive way and to realise that I can get better and i will continue to fight every step of the way. It really helps as my therapist is so good and she is so easy to talk to whilst also showing me new ways of thinking about things- i tend to look at things in a very black and white way and she is helping me to realise that everything isnt black or white.
I have read my letter back several times and it gives me the strength to go on as it makes me realise how much my life has been affected by my eating and how sad I feel That gives me the determination to fight and win. I wrote things down a lot when my daughter died and it really helped me then too. It helped me to express myself and to stop feeling as if I was going mad.
I am so pleased you are going to the festival you deserve to after all your hard work with the eating and with your exams. I am going to a hen night and I would usually have pulled out by now but I am determined to go as I really need a bit of me time especially right now. I am worried as there is food involved but it is in a more relaxedmanner- a BBQ so I wont be pressured into anything which is how I need it to be at the minute.
My husband and I have a rocky road ahead. He wants to try and work things out and wants to move back in but I am very wary as he has hurt me badly and my past experiences mean I have beenthrough a lot of hurt from men and I cannot take anymore so I am not rushing into anything, The tough part for me is that I do love him so much and it hurts that he turned to someone but I also have come to realise what an enormous impact my eating has had on him and his life too. I think i had tried to pretend because he never mentioned it it didnt affect him but how wrong I was. I dont want my marriage to be a victim of this whole thing but I need to build up the trust again which could take me some time.
I try to be the best mum I can- I just want my children to be happy and to be respectful people as they grow up and we are always getting compliments about how lovely the two here are so must be doing something right.
I am so happy that you are still eating more. That is great and well done as I know how hard that must be for you. I can also understand that it is hard to keep going but now you have started fight really hard to not give in. WELL DONE!!
Part of me thinks I am ready to take the leap whilst the other part of me is terrified. My therapist says it is best to deal with the issues behind the eating as at the minute they are still very raw and my eating is my coping mechanism,. I need to face my past before I make any drastic changes. But she is also urging me to try and have enough so my body can keep goin but my question is where do I start?
I am pleased that I am beginning to be more opne- it is still very hard for me to talk honestly about how I feel and some days I shut off again but then I remember how good you and my friends are being and know i have to keep talking to overcome everything i am faced with.
Thanks for caring and for helping me to see I am worth helping and that I can keep fighting.
Hope you enjoy your festival I will be thinking of you hoping you are allowing yourself to relax and live a little like you deserve to.
Take care and keep going.
Helen xxxxx
Posted on June 08, 2012 at 8:00 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi
Having a bad day and remembered you saying to post here if ever I needed to. Just feel as if everything is too much at the minute and feel a bit desperate.
I hate my life and how things are. I wish I didnt have the ED and that could be happy and carefee and the person I should be. Every day is a struggle as I try to deal with what happened to me and at the minute deal with the anniversary of my daughters birth and death approaching. I went to a memorial service for babies who have died and it was very emotional. To see all those people who have suffered makes it so sad-
I just want to be able to eat without all the thoughts and feelings associated with it. I am fed up of avoiding situations to avoid food and of just existing rather than living. I feel as if I have wasted so much of my life and I will nbever get it back. Why cant I just deal with what happened and move on? I am starting to blame myself again and feel that I am not worthy of help from people which means i stop talking and keep it all inside which does me more harm.
Anyway sorry to offload on you but i needed somewhere to turn as feel desperate at the minute.
hope you are ok and hopefully i will be bac on track soon.
helenxxx
Posted on June 10, 2012 at 8:04 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
hey
i am so sorry i have only just got back to you. i feel like i have let you down. I only just got back yesterday from the festival so have had no internet. I have been thinking about you every day
how are you now?
yes your right there is no point in regretting not telling them as it wouldn't have changed anything. Its good you have told them now as you are ready to change.
did you go to the hen do?! was it good? i really hope you did.
I know it is so hard to trust your husband but if you love him what is the point of cutting him out.. you can start again now you are recovering. Theres so many time my mum has given up and said she's had enough but i know she still loves me but what we have is just sometimes too much for people to cope. Mum went away for a few days a couple of weeks ago to get away from it. I think this is kind of similar to your husband. it also seems like it is hurting you that you are him are not together anymore so you might as well try.
if you want my opinion on the food it would be just throw yourself in to it. there is no easy way but i can promise you eating makes everything clearer. its so hard for the first few weeks, i cried every day but it gets so much better i can't even tell you.
how has your therapist been this week? how is talking about your past going?
helen you are so worth helping. From the last couple of months i can see you are such a good person and an amazing mum and you deserve to get better. None of this is your fault. we can't help that we have been burdened with this but what we can do it get better. don't give in because you'll only have to start again. You can't go on like this.. you have such a good life ahead of you you just have to fight for it and i know you can do it.
there is so much to look forward to and you are doing so well.
you have to make your self happy.
keep going and stay strong. I know you can do it helen
jess xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted on June 19, 2012 at 3:18 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi
Please dont apologise. I am glad you are ok and went to the festival. How did it go? i am so pleased you made it there and hope you were able to relax and enjoy the break- you deserved to.
I am ok- still struggling a bit but feel slightly better than last week. I think sometimes the reality of living with this all becomes a bit too much and the end seems no nearer than it did last month. some days I just feel I have so much to overcome .
I did go to the hen do and had a really good night. Food wasnt an issue so I was able to relax . I had a few drinks and really tried to relax as it is one of my closest friends who was celebrating.
I just find things with my husband so hard. He struggles to listen to my feelings/emotions and doesnt like to talk but i have come to realise that the only way I can ever hope to get better is by talking lots and lots and lots!!! This is hard for me and I need to be around people who can help me do this so I have every chance of getting better. He has alwasy eben like this but it is only recently i have realised that just maybe I can't live like this. he has been very different these last few weeks and has been quite an eye opener to be honest. He just cant seem to understand that i need him. Just simple things like texting me on the day of my therapy to let me know he is there would mean the world to me. I have told him several times but its just like talking to a brick wall. I have come to realise it has been hard for him living with this too but he chose to turn to someone else rather than me which hurts. I dont know what will happen but i need time.
Thanks for the advice on the food.Its so scary though and i need to prepare myself for that step.
Therapy was really hard last week really starting to talk about my past and trying to look at the idea of me blaming myself for all that has happened to me. That was tough as i have blamed myself for so long and starting to look from another angle is hard. I still think she will get fed up of listening to me and that i am not worthy of her help but she recognises this and constantly tells me i am important. Maybe one day i will believe her.
I will keep on trying because i really want a different life so much. I am strong and will fight all the way.
Had to go for ECG and bollds today as my therapist is worried about my health and I found that hard as I feel like people are judging me and thinking this is all my own fault.
Thank you for all your advice and support,. It really helps me to know you are there every step of the way and I can wait to celebrate our recovery together when it eventually comes.
I just have to remember I have been like this for seventeen years and have lived with my past for that long so it is not going to simply disappear. When I remember that i can see i have come along way as only a few months ago i wouldnt have talked to anyone about any of this but would have kept it all bottled up inside. I just need to talk to finally begin to heal.
I hope you are ok and keeping up the good work.
You too are doing really well and one day we will look back on this together and see how far we have come.
Take care
Helenxxxx
Posted on June 19, 2012 at 8:20 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
hi helen,
I'm sorry your having a bad few weeks but hopefully the messageboards can help you get through it.
that is exactly the same that happened with my boyfriend.. my dad is the same. I spoke to him about it and he said it's because he doesnt want to make it worse. Sometimes when people say things to me i get upset,so can see why they would be scared to say anything in case it is wrong. Maybe it is like this for your husband.. he cares about you so much that he is frightened of upsetting you further. I think you should try and talk to him about it and ask him why he doesnt want to talk about the illness we have with you.
like you said yourself talking is the way to recovery!! dont keep things bottled up.
how were your bloods and ecg? no one is blaming you, they just want you to be okay and look after you. it is not your fault and anyone who thinks differently doesnt understand the illness.
you are doing so well helen. this is the hardest thing you will have to do your whole life It feels easier to stick to the life we know rather than battle for the better one but it is worth the fight. keep going.
how is your friend from work? is she still helping?
how was your sons exams?
best of luck with your therapist tomorrow. when your struggling with what to say just go for it. talking will get you closer to recovery.
take care and push through these hard few weeks. you'll get there xxx
Posted on June 20, 2012 at 2:43 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
p.s. i may struggle again to get internet til early next week but i will be thinking of you as usual and sending lots of positive thoughts your way! xx
Posted on June 20, 2012 at 2:52 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi
Thanks for the reply. It is always good to hear from you and you help me to feel better again.
The message boards are really useful and they help me to realise how I am feeling is normal and I will come out the other side.
I have tried so many times to talkt o my husband but it is like he can only listen for a short while and then he acts as if everything is fine again. It is tough because I just need support right now and I have to accept that maybe that he isnt the person to offer that but that leaves me wondering if we have a future like this?
I know i need to keep talking and it is tough but I keep trying to remember that is the only way I will get better and keep making myself do it.
I get blood results and ECG results Friday as the doctor needs to interpret them so wont know anything til then but thanks for asking.
You are right this is the hardest thing I will have to do and I am determined to fight it and win but some days i just feel like I dont have the energy that is needed! It will be worth the fight and I keep reminding myself of that.
My friend from work is great but not had much chance to talk these last couple of weeks as been under quite a bit of pressure at work with deadline due to the year group we thing and goverment requirements. Thankfully they are all out of the way now and we can start to enjoy the last few weeks of the school year. We foiund out we are still going to be working together in september which has made me feel better as I know she will be there. I dont always need to talk to her but just knowing she is around helps a lot.
My son has nearly got all his exam results back and has done brilliantly. I am so proud of him and he deserves his results as he worked hard. He has got level * and ablve in nearly all exams which isnt bad considering he is in year 7. He got a level * in a couiple too and I am so pleased for him. He has so much to lookf orawrd to in his future.
I am getting a bit worked up about therapy tomorrow as I know it will be tough but it is slowly helping me too so I know I need to go.
How are you?
I hope Uni is ok and you are managing to keep up the good work with the eating.
Remember if you need me I am here for you too!! I dont like to think of everything being abouit me.
Take care
Thank you
Helen xxxxx
Posted on June 20, 2012 at 9:17 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hey Helen im really reallt struggling to her Internet as I am away. I've been trying to get in touch over the last few days! Hope your doing okay I can't reply properly to your post at the min as im on my phone but know I am thinking of you and will get back to you asap!! I have been worrying.
I know you can do this so stay strong and keep going. Hope your therapist and getting your results was okay!!!
Keep going helen, your doing so well xxx
Posted on June 24, 2012 at 3:57 AM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi Jess
Thanks for your message and please dont worry about me. I am always ok in the end just struggle to deal with some of the difficult emotions that I go through as i think we all do when faced with this daily battle.
Sorry havent posted sooner but had a bit of a melt down as it was the anniversary since I lost my daughter and just been trying to deal with that to behinest.
I hope you are ok and are able to relax a bit now your exams are over. Hope you are glad you went to the festival and have some new memories to cherish.
I am trying to stay strong and therapy is really helping. This week wsnt quite as bad as last week as we didnt go into too much depth about my past rather about me blaming myself for the things which happened to me which i know is going to be really helpful to me.
My therapist is really good and seems to know me really well from the times we have talked. She is able to ask questions which then make me question my thoughts and way of thinking and make me think that maybe there is another way of thinking about things.
I know that I really have to face my past and talk about it if I am to have any hope of moving but it is just incredibly hard to do as I have been hurt and let down so many times by so many peope that trusting people is so incredibly hard. I am trying to open up to my friends but I am ashamed of my past and it is hard. i will keep trying though as I know one day I will be able to get it all out and will feel so much better.
Cant believe it is only three weeks til we break up for the summer. Where has the time gone? Then I am so looking forward to spending time with my children. Have lots of plans as I like to do as much as possible with them as when I am working I cant. We are going to * for a week with my parents, sister and nephew which should be a good break. Then I am going to * for a weekend for my friends wedding which I am looking forward to.
anyway hope this finds you well and you are keeping the good start on eating up.
Thinking of you lots and hoping you are ok
Remember I am here for you too.
Helen xxxxx
Posted on June 29, 2012 at 7:12 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
hi helen
i cannot imagine how it must feel and im sorry i cant do anything to take away the pain of your daughter.
have your family been supportive.. and your friend?
Im glad you looked at why you blame yourself becuase like i keep saying nothing is your fault. when things are happening you think they are only a phase and wait for them to get better thinking it will pass.
you shouldnt be ashamed, talking is the way forward. you have come so far over the last few months and you have managed to open up as i cant imagine how difficult it must be after all this time. you are doing amazing helen and you should be so pleased you have made the decision to recover and from my end it seems you are fighting as hard as you can.
i know.. i cant believe i have done a whole year at uni! it has gone so fast and been such a strange year. its great you have the whole summer off with your children!
wow your son has done well! thats really good! all that hard work paid off!
so glad you are going to the wedding!! the festival was so fun and i cant thank you enough for encouraging me to go. it showed me the positives of recovery - energy to do more things and hold conversations i am actually interested in and paying attention to! it's a whole new life i didnt know existed. I have had a bad couple of days in the last few weeks but on the whole im okay. I have an appointment at the clinic on * (finally) which i keep debating whether or not to go to but mum says my head still isnt in the right place and its that that needs to be sorted. we had a massive argument a couple of days ago and she said she cant take it anymore and it was awful, i think she thought i was all better because id been telling her i was okay so she dint expect me to get upset over a meal anymore.
how were your blood results and ecg?
how is everything else?
thankyou so much
Stay strong helen, thinking of you and hoping your okay as usual!
jess xxxx
Posted on June 29, 2012 at 10:23 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi
Thanks for the message it came at a time when I needed it and reassured me that I can do this and am making a good start to recovery.
On my daughters anniversary last Sunday I was really touched by the friends who messaged me to let me know they were thinking of me. I know it is hard for those who havent lost a child to understand but knowing they were thinking of me meant a lot and made me think that maybe I am not such a bad person to be around after all.
I am really trying to look at why I blame myself for everything which is very hard after doing so for so long b ut I know that unless I deal with this and other issues I will never be able to face the eating to enable me to live the life I want and deserve. I think what makes it hard is because my past isnt one singel bad experience but several which make it easy to think it is my fault. I have always seen it that I must have asked for those things to happen for it to happen again and again and again all within a couple of years.
Mty therapist constantly tells me it wasnt my fault as I was just a child and now I am an adult I am beginning to see I was unable to stop things happening as a child. I will keep working on it and one day hopefully I will believe in myself and the fact that I did nothing wrong.
I am too gald to be going to the wedding as it is a very good friend from work who has helped me out in the last couple fo years by just being there. You have spurred me on by going to the festival and having a good time. I think I deserve some happiness and will go. I am so gald you went and enjoiyed yourslef because you really deserve to. when I was at Uni i turned down every invite and that is one of my biggest regrets as my eating become so controlling of every aspect of my life which I will always regret.
Sorry to hear you have had a few bad days but try to remember that tomorrow is a new day. When we have a bad day it is easy to then think of this is how my life will always be but a blip is just part of the ong recovery process and we must pick ourselves up and keep up the good work. Remember your mum- like my parents- must find it all so very hard to understand. They want to protect us their daughters and cannot understand why eating which for them is just a part of every day life is such a hard task for us. They want us to be ok and to be happy and i suppose they get frustrated with us hurting ourselves. It is only recently that I have really realised how much of an effect my problems have had on those around me and I wish I could take that away as i never wanted to hurt anyone as I love them so much.
Please try to go to your appointment. I know it is easy to think you dont need it but for me that was the start of me starting to change. It will be well worth the wait and you will get the help and support you need and deserve.
My ECG was ok- they are keeping a check on me. My bloods showed a vitamin deficiency so I am on medication, In the past they have all been ok which have only made me think there really wasnt a problem but now I can see that slowly my body is struggling to keep going and I have to change that now. It scared me a bit but I am determined more than ever to fight this.
Everything else is ok thanks. My husband moved back in yesterday as I have to give it a try to make things work or I will never know if we could be happy again.It is scary because I have so much to deal with but I love him so much and cannot imagine my life without him permanently. Time will tell I suppose.
How are you? What are you planning to do now Uni is over for the summer? Hope you get some time to chill out and relax.
Keep up the good work and remember I am here whenever you need me to be.
You stay strong too and keep on with the eating.
Helen xxxx
Posted on July 01, 2012 at 4:20 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hey Helen
First of all so happy to hear your husband has moved back in! It is a hard decision to have made but I'm starting to try to live by the moto 'you only live once'. You seem to really love your husband and if you can't imagine life without him as hard as it is to forgive him you might as well try to make it work as that is what you truly want at the end of the day how do your children feel about him moving back in?
Yes, it is had to understand what it must be like to lose a child. I can only be here for you and let you know if you ever need to talk I am here. I can't pretend I know how it must feel as it must be one of the hardest things to go through. Your doing well and I am thinking about you just like your family and friends.
In a round-a-bout way the result are good as it is another wake up call and more motivation to keep going. Your body needs enegy and fuel to survive and you deserve to eat what it needs.
What happened to you as a child is not your fault, and I hope one day you will see that. Try to imagine if our roles were reversed.. Would you say it was my fault? No one things bad of you for your past as it is out of your control, they just want to take care of you.
I'm glad you are excited about the wedding - I am excited for you!! You can get something nice to wear I don't have much planned but want to go away somewhere abroad by myself. As strange as that sounds I really just want to get away and try get some perspective without everyone around me.
I feel okay again but today I am panicking I may be relapsing without knowing? I feel quite upset about this as I thought I was doing better than I was.
Thank you very much for what you said about my mum. You are right, it's so hard for people to understand. With my medical degree I am know hoping to go into something to do with ED and hopefully make people more aware as I think even a lot of gps don't really understand it. I guess that is something positive that has come out of this. (I found out I passed the year today!!)
I'm so happy to have you to talk to. it's such a good feeling to have that support. I hope you feel the same.
How are you this week? When do you break up for summer?
Take care and keep going as recovery is on the horizon
Jess xxxxxxx
Posted on July 02, 2012 at 8:30 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi Jess
Thanks for your reply once again you fill me with hope that I am ok and will get there so thanks for that it means a lot to me.
It is very early days with my husband but I just feel that we have to try as we have been through so much together and I really do love him. I have to be so careful not to punish myself even further by pushing him away and I am trying to open up more to him to give him an idea of what I am going through in terms of my eating and my past.
I find it so hard to tell people for fear of being judged , My therapist has encouraged me to test that out by telling her a little bit and seeing how she reacts. So yesterday I took that step which was so scary and i was petrified and couldnt tell her things that happened so instead I wrote them down and then let her read it- only a very little bit incase she reacted how I expected. But she didnt. She was really good and showed me that just maybe people wont judge me for what happened.
My children are really happy that we are together as a family again and they are both brilliant. I am so proud of them and can't believe sometimes that I have achieved something that great-
Yes you are right the results were a wake up call for me as the eating has kind of taken a back seat at the minute to be honest with everything else going on and it has made me realise that I still have an ED (have avoided linking that with me again for a while) and need to tackle that too but as my therapist keeps saying I have to deal with what made it start in the first place which could take some time.
My therapist tells me to think of what happened to me happening to someone else and would I think it was their fault. Of course I would say no way and I know that but when it comes to me i find it hard to say that its not my fault. I am trying to get rid of this blame but it is so hard as it has been there for so long.
Going abroad by yourself sounds scary to me but I understand why you would feel the need. Just make sure you take care of yourself and really relax and think about everything going on because you deserve to get better too.
I hope you feel ok again now. Remember we have our bad days but need to try not to let them define the rest of the days. I think you are doing really well and you are giving me hope .
That's great that you are thinking of going into something to do with ED's. I think that when you have experience of something you can be a much better person to help others as you really know what they are experiencing and how to support them. I am sure you will be very good at it as you have helped me so much these last few months.
I am happy to have you to talk to too.. Then when I read what you write I know I deserve the support
I am ok this week. After therapy yesterday found last night and today a bit tough but that is mostly how it goes due to the things we are talking about at the minute. \it makes the past very real and talking about it stirs up feelings i have buried for years and years but i know I have to face these to be able to move on.
How are you? I hope you are managing to relax alittle and are still making steps forward witht he eating.
I break up two weeks today which is great and I can't wait.
Take care and keep going as you are doing really well.
Helen xxxxx
Posted on July 06, 2012 at 7:59 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi Jess
Hope you are ok. Just thought I'd leave you a message as always helps to talk about what's going on. Hope you don't mind.
Therapy tough again yesterday as we talked a lot more about my past and I am really starting to see probably for the first time properly where my eating really came from and why I feel like I do about myself and my body. It's like the jigsaw is finally starting to piece together and the missing pieces are being found. Does that make sense?
I also took the massive step of sharing with my friend from work details of what happened to me all those years ago which was really hard to do but I wanted to do it to help me have someone to talk to in between therapy sessions. I didnt tell her very much as my therapist tells me to test out my fear of peoples reaction by telling them a little and seeing how they react to that. she wants me to feel in control by deciding how much or little and when I tell about things which actrually helps because I dont feel pressured into anything which helps me. My friends has been great and she is helping memore than she will ever know. She just listens and doesnt judge which is my biggest fear.
Things are tough as I cannot understand why things happened to me and why I didnt stop them from happeneing. I also am starting to get angry with myself for allowing these things to affect my whole life for so long. I feel sad that I have missed out on so much, just simple things like having a meal for my children's birthday or relaxing on holiday as I am always so uptight about eating and avoiding food.
I also feel guily about the fact I used to make myself ill as I felt I didnt deserve it. I am sure I have caused damage to my body and cannot fully get why I did that for so long. I just know at the time I wanted to disappear to make things stop happening and that was the way I tried to make it happen.
I spent days when I hardly left the house because I felt so bad and isolated myself so much that now I find it hard to socialise and to be 'normal.' some days the battle seems to big and the fight in me doesnt seem strong enough.
How are you? I hope you are ok and are managing things ok. How are things with your mum? Hope not too stressful.
I have a week left at work and cannot wait to have some time off to relax and do things with the children
Had my sons parents eveining this week and got my daughters report today and I am so proud of them both. I love them so much and really owe it to them to be a better mum who is well.
Anyway just wanted to stay in touch and know you are always there.
Take care
Helen xxxxxx
Posted on July 13, 2012 at 6:50 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
helen,
first of all i will explain why it has taken me so long. I booked a one way flight abroad by myself as everything got to much here and i wanted t get away. i got back yesterday. i was okay while i was away and by myself but now i am home i have gone back to exactly the same. i can't keep running away. my sister also got back from holiday . I am so sorry i didn't tell you or couldn't get in touch.. i lost my Phone aswell so had no internet or wifi.
when i read that you opened up to your therapist it actually made me smile. i am so so proud of you, you are doing amazing and hope you have been okay for these last couple of weeks. I have been thinking about you everyday and been wanting to talk to you so bad!
what you said about a jigsaw definitely makes sense. I feel the same. so lost and confused about everything and why this has happened to me. I am glad your jigsaw is coming together. when you are ready you know i am here to help you put the pieces together further!
the fact that you are angry shows that you are changing and moving forward. But don't be angry at yourself as none of this is your fault.
i honestly cannot believe the progress you have made while i have been away. I feel bad that i have let you down again by not being there when you need me. Honestly though you have done incredible and i hope you can see how far you have come in just a few weeks. I cannot believe you have taken the huge step of telling your friend more! you have truly done amazing.
what you said about staying in the house and isolating yourself is kind of why i went away to another country as i have no where to hide at home. It hasn't really helped like i thought it would though.
your children are very clever from what you have said and i bet it is amazing to be back to a family... how are things going with your husband helen?
how are things this week?
please please catch me up on everything i have missed, i really can't wait to hear form you and hope you are okay.
stay strong and keep going as you are recovering incredibly quickly to say how hard this is. just reading what you have said is inspiration for me to keep going.
thank you and sorry again.
jess xx
Posted on July 22, 2012 at 12:54 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi Jess
its so good to hear fro you. Please don't apologise I am just happy that you are ok as I was getting worried. You havent let me down at all. I understand that you needed to get away and am just sorry it didnt help you in the way you wanted.
Did you go anywhere nice? I hope yuo managed to relax a little and no you cant run away but maybe a break did you good. I feel like doing that sometimes but with the children it is not an option. However I a starting very slowly with the advice of y therapist to make time for me. I have never done that always putting everyone else before me but i cannot live like that anyore never doing anything for me or going anywhere I want to go. I a trying to rectify that but it is hard after neglecting myself for so long.
It has been a tough few weeks with opening up to y therapist as the after math of doing so has been tough for me to cope with which is why I opened up a bit more to my friend as I need her to help me get through between appointents. I have realised I cannot do it alone. The last couple of weeks has been wierd a bit of a roller coaster of emotions to be honest. I have had some really low lows but then other days I feel ok and that i will get through all of this. I think it is coping with my past and all that is associated with it whilst always trying so hard to save my marriage.
I do feel angry but at the minute it is more at myselff which we are working on in therapy.
I am making progress but am very aware it is a very slow, painful process. I have to do it though as i feel there is no going back for me now because to have to start all over again would be too much.
am sorry your break hasnt helped like you thought it would. Maybe you could try to find a friend you could start to open up to believe me it is one of the best things i have ever done. Just takes the loneliness away and we dont always talk about me but about her and her problems too which helps me as i feel it is not all one sided if you know what I mean.
My children are away at the minute at mymums so I can go into work and sort my classroom out ready for the new term, I miss them so much it hurts and i cant wait to see them again. Things with my husband are still tough as I cannot understand why he turned to someone else and he cannot explain why.
This week is going fast as I am working all day ready for September and then i can have a holiday with my children.
I hope you are ok and being back home isnt too tough for you. How is the eating going?
Glad you are ok and we are back in touch.
I hope you can relax a bit over the summer and remember I am always here for you whether you want to chat or tell me things or ask advice. I will help whenever I can.
Thank you and please dont apologise.
Helen xxxxx
Posted on July 24, 2012 at 7:55 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
hey,
no you do help me, i wanted to talk to you while i was away. it was one thing that made me come back as i felt really lonely not talking to anyone.
i went to a nice island with beaches and relaxing. yes it was a break from the pressure of all of this but as soon as i got back it all just started again.
i am glad you understand why i had to get away. I think it may have been for the wrong reasons though as when i am by myself my Ed thoughts and behaviours are strong and unmonitored. I feel I may have slipped back a bit.
it will be a bit of a rollercoaster as recovery is hard. it was at its worst for me in the first few weeks i started recovering properly but looking back i can tell you the rollercoster is better that the continuous sadness and numb feeling i used to get. i dont know if you know what i mean? i just used to feel empty all the time. i still get that sometimes but not as much and the better days in between keep me going. i hope it is like this for you too
i still cant get over how well you are doing. how has your therapist been today?
keep going with looking into your past as it will get better with time. you just have to get through this part!
i am glad you have got your friend to get you through the week and hope you know i am still here to help you along the way.
have you started trying to tackle the eating side of things? i have found when i eat less and get hungry the minx comes back more strongly and i feel more low and down. I have to be honest and say that i still get unhappy feelings and thoughts from eating but it is no where near as bad as when you dont have enough enery in you as you cant get your thoughts straight.
i know you have so much to deal with at the minute and it is so hard but maybe starting to eat more would help you even more with thinking about your past. I know your therapist says to start with your past .my honest feeling is that you should just jump into it and try. The first couple of weeks were hell for me but after that, so much better than before. please think about it.
have you still been writing letters? have you read back over your old ones recently?
where are you taking your children? when are they home from your mums?
sorry about all the questions!
keep going helen as you are doing amazing well. you have come so far since we first started talking and the change is massive. I believe in you .
stay strong x
Posted on July 26, 2012 at 5:27 PM
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Total Posts: 73
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
Hi Jess
Hope you are ok and readjusting to being home again. I know what you meant that sometimes going away actually makes things seems worse when we return as we have not overcome our problems just left them ebhind for a little while. Maybe it did you good to have a little break and now you can fight the battle full on again.
I too find it harder when on my own to fight my thoughts and behaviours so maybe being around people again will help you get back on track.
I thought I was doing really well but today I am really struggling with the whole thoughts anf behaviours- the worst i have done for a long time. I just wish that for one day I could be happy with how I look when I look in the mirror instead of geettig so upset and down like today. I just cannot even begin to imagin having real meals as the thoughts i feel are too overpowering at the minute. I am trying to think of a way of breaking the cycle but because i am dealing with how it all began the reasos behind all of my ED are very strong in my head at the minute and I have to work through those and let go of them as much as I can before I am able to start eating- if that makes sense. My therapist says at the minute my past has come back to haunt me big time because i am talking about it more and trying to deal with it and accept what happened to me. At the minute my ED is the only way I can control what is happening in my life and she thinks its could be too tough to let go of my control mechanism at the minute.
But I will keep thinking if there is anyway I can make a slight change. I am sick of feeling cold and tired all of the time, having no energy to do anything. I am fed up of letting my children down and letting them think that how I am is ok because it would destroy me if either of them ever faced this battle.
I do know what you mean about the sad and numb feeling- I have that every day too and want it to disappear so I can live the life I am meant to.
I am trying to keep strong and deal with everything but today I feel like giving up. It is very hard to face what happened to me and it has put a massive strain on my marriage which I am not sure can survive all of this and everythign else that has happened. I think my husband deserves more than I can give him but I just cant give the sort of life he wants at the minute.
I just want all this to end- the constant fears of gaining weigth and the constant battle with food. It is so wearing and I just dont understand why it chose me.
I do still write letters nabout what happened to me and then show them to my therapist because I just cannot say the words abut the past. It is going ok because she is able to build a clearer picture about me and why I am like I am but i dont have to say it. I do read back old letters sometimes when I am feeling strong enough. I have to be careful as on days like today they can draw me back into a downward spiral making me more down than norma./
I am going to * with my children in couple of weeks so hoping the weather is good. They came home two days ago and my son has now gone away with his friend camping for a few days. I have the wedding in * next weekend which is causine me massive anxieties as the food side is playing on my mind. My therapist said why not have a holiday from your ED which sounds appealing but I am not sure how that will be possible. I want to be ablet to enjoy the wedding without all this build up and tension I can already start to feel.
Sorry for being a bit negative but feel low today and needed to off load.
I hope you are ok and are feeling better now you are back home.
What are you up to over the summer? Do you work at all or are you just relaxing ready for the next year at Uni?
Thanks for being so positive towards me, I think you are amazing and hopefully one day I can be as strong as you are and fight this once and forall.
Take care
Helenxxx
Posted on July 29, 2012 at 1:41 PM
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Total Posts: 71
Joined: Mar 2012
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re: how to let go
hi helen,
thats exactly what its like. It feels like they have almost gone when you are away but as soon as you are home everything hits you full on.
what you said about being cold i had actually completely forgotten about. i used to be cold it was awful. That has gone now and i can get up and move around and walk upstairs without anything being a challenge or problem.
I am so sorry you have been down.
helen please please do not give up. You have done amazing so far!! read back to the start of our condo again and see how far you have come!
it gets worse before it gets better! this is the worse phase and if you give in you only have to start again.
you deserve a normal life and a better future no matter what has happened in your past. You can get through this and you and your children and husband can have the life you want.
your husband has moved back in with you for a reason- he wants to be with you and he obviously loves you very much. when i was with my boyfriend i wanted to break up with him because i was trying to predict his thoughts and i was worried he wasn't happy with how i was although he never actually really said anything. I wanted to break up with him before he was the one to say he wanted something more and broke up with me first but looking back i think he actually just wanted to help me. i know its not really the same as your situation is a lot more serious but what i am trying to say is that people with ED tend to over think everything and also feel like other people aren't happy with us and how we are and panic so try to push them away? I think for now you should just wait and see what happens in the future and don't make any hasty decisions.
the wedding is this weekend coming? I hope you can have a break from ED. its only one weekend and maybe that would help you with recovery for next week? Something i found with recovery though was when i started eating i would feel a bit out of control and eat even more than everyone else just because my body was so starved of energy and got happy at the chance for food!.. but remember this is totally normal and in one weekend you will not see any difference in your body but maybe you will in your mind.. it could help straighten out your thoughts?
i really really hope you have the courage to take a break from it. I will be here to support you.
helen you are as strong as me, if anything even stronger. Honestly the things you are doing amaze me.
how are you feeling this week and how was your session today?
are you excited about your holiday?
i don't have a job as such but i work for my mum and dad sometimes as they have a business. apart from that i am just trying to get better to be okay again when i am by myself at uni.
I hope you okay, thinking about you as usual!
stay strong and keep on going.
take care xxxxxx
Posted on August 02, 2012 at 5:09 PM
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